You should know Jason Parks

Still alive, mostly

2012-02-11T13:29:00.000-05:00

Hello world,

I don't really have anything to say right now. It's just that time of year, when I go for a long spell without any communication and then all of a sudden *POOF* into existence again to give you your quarterly fix of Jason Parks.

I realize I'm way behind on things- my Fantasy Football wrap up still is waiting in the wings. Unfortunately I have no real time table for them- creatively I'm running on the fumes of 2010 here, so I can't promise when I might be so inspired as to deliver my usual Grade-A-wesomeness in literary form.

Life has been ridiculously busy. I'm basically working 7 days a week- which for you math majors out there means that yes, I am working every single day. I have periodic days off at the school (thanks God for those snow days a few weeks ago), but I'll have a consistently full schedule until the summer. While that will be good for our bank account, it won't be as good for my blog account. Of course, that's what the world cares about. Right?

Honestly, today is the first time I've thought about my blog in a couple weeks. So I suppose that me writing this is perhaps a step in a positive direction towards reconnecting with myself in the arena of words. Or maybe I just had a spark of inspiration that will just as quickly fizzle into nothingness. Stay tuned!

Lately I've been watching professional wrestling, which is good for the soul. It makes me feel like a man to watch muscled dudes confront other muscled dudes and wear tiny clothing and jump around and beat each other up. I'm pretty sure my testosterone levels have gone through the roof. One really cool thing that's come out of my newest craze is the wrestling video game I bought has enabled me to connect with my kids.

Yes, you read that correctly. A wrestling video game has deepened the parent-child bond in the Parks household.

See, I downloaded some previously created wrestlers that you might have heard of- Incredible Hulk. Thor. Spider-man. Superman. Captain America. Batman. No, they aren't wrestlers in the traditional sense. But someone made them for a wrestling game, and I downloaded them, and now I have tons of fun watching Royal Rumbles involving the Avengers. How cool is that! Plus, I give them all custom theme songs that my kids are growing attached to. Do you know how deeply it warms my heart to have my children request that we listen to 'Walk' by Pantera in the car before school?

IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOU KNOW (sorry. Channeling my inner The Rock there).

Anyways, that's what I've been up to. Work and wrestling. As time frees up, interests will vary and I'll begin writing again in earnest. I anxiously await your waiting with bated breath.

Love you all!

Bi-polarness

2012-01-14T09:23:00.000-05:00

Apologies for future ramblings. But I haven't sat down at a computer with the intention to write since New Years day- pretty much exclusively because I haven't felt like it. At all. But this morning I got that gust of inspiration (which went away almost as quickly as it came) and so here I find myself banging on the keypad trying to reincarnate that three minutes of my shower where the words were flowing in my brain like something that flows (see? Gone. Just like that.).

I think my whole moment of inspiration thing started because I was thinking about how much I just haven't had the writing bug lately. So then I started thinking about how last year at this time, I was trying to write a blog every day. Then I started thinking about how meaningless calendars are in the grand scheme, but how they help us here and now to give our lives order and help us make sense of the chaos.

Then I thought about how I'm sort of bi-polar. How sometimes I'm manic about something and then it just goes away. I started to think about all of the things I have talked about in my blog with such certainty that haven't come to fruition- and some of them that I've flat-out contradicted. Then I thought about how I myself am a walking contradiction. See when I worked at TFH, I realized over time that I had many of the presenting symptoms that the kids in our homes did. Sure, I didn't smear poop on the wall or call my bosses "f*cking b*tches"- but there were many things that I had in common with those kids (or had in common when I was a kid. Because clearly I grew up and became a model citizen).

I am guarded- but sometimes I put myself out there too far. I can think critically- but sometimes I am too quick to suspend disbelief and trust too easily. I enjoy spending time with people- but sometimes I want nothing to do with anybody.

So what am I saying? Nothing really. Like I said, the inspiration to write quickly left. But after weeks of nothing, it was nice to have that pot stirred again, and so hopefully even writing these few paragraphs of random nothingness will help keep sparking those inspired seconds and I can resume bringing you the unadulterated awesomeness that you are probably quite used to.

A letter to 2012

2012-01-01T08:07:00.000-05:00

To 2012,

Hey there 2k12. We just met, and I know you probably have a lot of questions about me. Quite frankly I'm not sure how much I want to share, since everybody tells me that you're likely going to end up killing me at some point in December. I hope the rumors aren't true and that we can develop a mutually beneficial and amicable relationship.

I'm sure that you talked to 2011 last night, and I'm fine with that. I don't have much to say about 2011- 2011 wasn't particularly bad or good, she was just there. Probably the worst fall I've ever had (saved merely by the fact that both of my kids started school), but we had a wonderful summer and even though she didn't give me much snow in December, she did give me a white Christmas. So that was something.

Well, maybe 'wonderful summer' is a bit strong. It was light years ahead of 2010's summer. We did a lot of fun things as a family, hung out with some cool people. But we did most of it with no money coming in while I was in-between jobs. That was pretty rough. Brutal, in fact. Definitely the biggest personal financial crisis of my life.

I'm hoping that you help me out with that, 2012. See, I got this new job a few weeks ago- and I'm loving it. LOVING it. Sure, it's not a cushy 9-5, Monday-Friday desk job- but it's the next best thing. It's at a school, working with children who have developmental disabilities. I know this might sound crazy, but it's been a lot of fun. Tiring, yes, and definitely with some stress potential, but I think that'll be minimized by the fact that I work directly with some amazing ladies and the team at the school seems to be phenomenal. I seriously feel like this is the best place I've ever worked.

I'm really worried though- because it seems like for me, good things are always a 'one step forward two steps back' affair. See before working there I had an opportunity that I thought was surefire at this one place, and it was going to give us some more money...and it fell through. It fell through hard. We-almost-didn't-recover hard, and in many ways we're still recovering. Now I've been able to move past that, and I have this terrific opportunity. So please, 2012, don't blow it for me.

See 2010 and 2011 were nice enough years and I'm sure they meant well- they just didn't really know me and my family, who we are, what we were going through- and they just sort of treated us like numbers. Which makes sense, because they're just numbers and so why shouldn't they treat us like numbers? I mean, I'm a person and I'm treating them like a person, so what do I expect, eh?

The problem is that exactly that though- we aren't just numbers, we're people. People with feelings. People who are scratching and clawing, trying desperately to make it on our own, to make our way in the world, to do something of note, something that will make some sort of impact. To do that, we need money. Yes, money is just numbers on paper- but those numbers on that paper can surprisingly bring peace of mind. Not everlasting bliss, just the bliss of not having to worry about bouncing a check to buy toilet paper.

2011 realized that- in the end. It learned from 2010s mistakes (kind of late, but hey it's better than never), started treating me decently and lo and behold- I get to meet you, 2012! Sure, there's a chance that I might spend all year with you only to have you destroy me. But there's also a chance that you'll see the great things that 2011 and I did and aspire for more. There's a chance that you'll remember that I'm a person who hurts and bleeds and can be broken- and that you'll want to keep those things from happening to me.

At least until December.

Signed with hope,

Jason

Snow Flurries Playoffs 2011- We are (almost) the champions!

2011-12-31T03:00:00.000-05:00

Our Fantasy Football playoffs are over. The results are in- and I cameTHISclose to being the champion of the Center League. THISclose. In the end, I fell short in the second round against ~~Drew Brees~~ Team Dennis and bowed to ~~a far inferior 7-6 squad~~ Team Dennis. I'd love to make excuses- really, I would- but in the end, he just had a better day than I did. Congrats to Dennis, and to the SHEagles, the eventual champion.
And now I get on my soap box. After I find it.

So this definitely defines why Fantasy Football is so frustrating for me (and millions of people like me, I'd imagine). I was 11-2, unequivocally the best team in the league, top-3 QB, 4 legit starting RBs, solid WR corps/Defense, the top 2 TEs- and I got bounced by a team that barely made the playoffs simply because I had a bad week at the wrong time against a guy who had a great week at the right time.

And it's a matchup that almost didn't even happen! In the first round of the playoffs, Team Dennis beat War Machine 101-100. 1. Single. Point. Basically that's all that separated me from the glory of playing for the championship, because I would have beat War Machine by almost 40 in the second round. That's honestly what should have happened- War Machine gets a nice little first round upset, and then gets taken out in the second round by the heavyweight. That would have been justice, and proof that God does exist.

Instead I spent that Sunday's early games watching in horror as Reggie Bush (where the hell did you come from, Reg?) and Drew Brees combined for almost 75 points by themselves while Team Dennis built a 100 point lead on me heading into the back half of the schedule. I made a gallant effort to come back but still ended up losing by almost 50 points.

I do take some solace that even had I made the championship game, I still would have lost (although if I would have played the Giants D...GAH, FUGHETABOUDIT), and I don't want to take anything away from Dennis' win. I have to acknowledge that for most of the regular season, I managed to avoid the injuries that other people suffered that probably enabled be to win some games that I might not have won if some of my guys had been hurt (fortunately those injuries decided to happen at playoff time). So 11-2 was probably a bit of a mirage. My team probably wasn't that good.

Still, it was a really solid team that unfortunately couldn't withstand the loss of two top RBs so late in the season. I think that's probably why I won 11 games but lost the championship- I had pretty much the same level of injuries as everyone else did this year, just at the most inopportune time.  In the early going, you can turn an injury into a gold mine with a sweet waiver wire pick-up. That's how I got Victor Cruz. But later on in the season, all the guys who are going to score significant points have been gobbled up and you're left with what you have. For most of the year, that was enough to win. But not in the playoffs. Not in the playoffs.

In the end, I was able to rally the troops and walk away with a 125-111 win over arch rival Fergy. Third place. Bronze medal. It feels....okay.  I placed, I guess. I'm on the victory stand. But it could have been better. It should have been better.

However, I did win the championship in my concubine league, which means that yes, I do expect you all to refer to me as the King of the Universe for the next calendar year. And yes, you do have to do the hand motions that go along with the song. Because I am, after all, a Fantasy Football champion.

Fantasy Football- the end of an era

2011-12-30T19:33:00.004-05:00

In the next couple weeks, I'll be bringing you the trimmings and trappings you normally associate with this blog- my Fantasy Football playoff recap, draft review, and transaction assessment. It might not be epic, but I guarantee it'll be. So for the next couple weeks, stay constantly vigilant, with your eyes glued to your computer screen. Also, I meant that figuratively and not literally. Just so everyone is on the same page.

And after that, I think I might be done writing about Fantasy Football for awhile (pause for sad groans). I don't think I'm done playing it yet- I suspect I have this weird numbers fetish that, combined with my passive aggressive desire for competition leaves a massively gaping hole in my heart that only Fantasy Football can fill. I just won't be clogging up my blog with it.

I don't know- this season, I've just felt....well, really empty while writing about my exploits. Maybe it was stuff going on in my personal life that kept me from getting truly attached to my team. It might be that I actually had success, which removed much of the pain and angst that fueled my prior ramblings. It could be that my heart is two sizes too small.

Whatever the reason, I've found that writing about my Fantasy Football team lately has been very stale. I feel like I'm trying to draw from the well, but all I'm getting is stale jokes and recycled cliche's. It's just not fun for me. In the past, it was fun. It was fun to write a fake eulogy for Ryan Grant. It was fun to write a mid-season review after an 0-4 start. It was fun to write about how I stole Dwayne Bowe from Josh in the 5th round. This year, the fun just hasn't been there.

Like most things that I say, I reserve the right to take this back once next football season hits. It's very possible that I'll get the desire again when we have our drafts and I want the whole world to know that I picked Player X in the Nth round, and I'm stoked out of my mind because I think he's an absolute steal. It's very probable that when my (insert early round here) player suffers a serious injury in week (insert low number here) that the sparks in my soul will begin to fly and like the Phoenix my Fantasy Football pieces will rise from the ashes of my apathy. I don't want to rule anything out at this point.

Well, other than a commitment to writing about Fantasy Football next season.

Let there be....grass?????

2011-12-24T09:22:00.001-05:00

Christmas is tomorrow (already?????) and it looks like it will be a white one...barely. Seriously, we have less than an inch of snow on the ground and we only have that because of snow fall a couple days ago. December is a month when the Christmas spirit is supposed to be augmented by the white falling water crystals like how you get the sneak-attack bonus while using an enchanted weapon (sorry...might have been up too late last night playing Skyrim). Instead, we had to deal with patches of ice and fields of frozen mud and dead grass all month. How freaking depressing!

At least we have some snow, though. And I'm hoping that this little tiny snow we have will stay through at least tomorrow. Unfortunately, tomorrow is supposed to get past the magic number (32) in temperature, and the next day warmer still. Goodbye snow- I sure will miss you!

Sadly it seems that my moving to Marquette has effectively killed the Epic Snowstorm industry that I have heard so much about. I wouldn't be surprised if the six winters I've been up here are the six worst years in terms of accumulated snow fall. I also wouldn't be surprised if you told me the sun revolves around me.

So in order to keep myself from gluing cotton balls all over the front yard in order to stave off the depression, I've been pondering global warming. Probably doesn't seem like something you'd want to think about to try and keep from being depressed about the weather, but that's the way my mind works. I think about global warming, and the effects that it might have on, say, weak snow storms where I'm at and huge snow storms in places that aren't supposed to get huge snow storms. And now I'm depressed again. AARRGGHH (runs off to watch Frosty Returns).

As far as global warming goes, I personally know just enough to have an extremely uninformed opinion, so if you came here looking for the usual wisdom, counsel, and guidance that I usually offer...well then stick around, because that's exactly what you're going to get. Merry ChristMAS!!!

Admittedly, I should know more about the subject. But even though I'm (for all intents and purposes, willfully) ignorant, I do try to do my part to be an ecologically responsible citizen. I walk to work sometimes (hopefully more frequently when the weather warms up). I shut lights off in rooms that I'm not in. I recycle. I eat cardboard (not true). Sometimes I even hold my breath- anything to reduce my personal carbon foot print.

But sometimesI wonder if this climate change is just a natural thing that we're caught in the middle of and global warming is our attempt to understand and make sense of it. Sure, that's a tremendous simplification. Still, think about various times in our history when things were drastically different than they are now. The ice age, for example. Obviously the Earth was not always covered in ice- it gradually had to change to get that way- except that it's not still covered in ice, so clearly there was another ginormous gradual change. And yet, here we are today, after all that massive change and the countless tragedies in terms of the loss of plant and animal life. Ta-da!

Our world today did not just happen like some magical pop-up book. The world as we know it has been violently shaken and crafted by the impartially cruel forces of nature. And it will continue to happen, regardless of what we do or don't do. Maybe global warming, then, is less a 'thing' and more of a label to help us feel like we are at least a little bit in control of things that we are really not in control of at all.

That doesn't mean that I am advocating for a hummer in every heated garage or loosened smog restrictions. It bothers me that people are cutting down forests to make golf courses and luxury hotels. I'm against the blatant misuse of resources. I have kids, after all, and I would really like them to be able to grow up in a world that more resembles Max and Ruby than it does Mad Max (actually...scratch that, because that would mean that four-foot tall talking female rabbits would be the dominant species).

For now all I wish is that we could have a white Christmas. Just like the ones I used to know.

9 vs 0 yardage analysis for Fantasy Football update 2

2011-12-16T08:48:00.000-05:00

Again with the promises and dropping of the ball!! So a couple months back I wrote you how I was working midnight shift, and how when things came back to normal that I'd hopefully (note that I did not use an absolute quantifier. Only the Sith deal in absolutes, after all) get a chance to resume my ground breaking research.

Unfortunately that hasn't happened. And seeing that I am now working much more than I was even then, I'm honestly not sure when I'll get around to it. I know one person for sure was looking forward to reading my findings, and I hypothesize that there may have been as many as three. And your faith in my world-shaking project will not be in vain. It will just have to wait. For an indefinite period of time.

So, Christmas...

Snow Flurries 2011- The March of the Penguins continues

2011-12-11T08:00:00.000-05:00

Do you know why I'm writing about my Fantasy Football team this week? Do you? Huh, huh? Do ya do ya do ya???? Also, imagine I'm pretending to poke you while being about a half inch from you. Sorry about the over exuberance- I just can't help it. I'm on a bye week this week! Do you even know what that means? Why, simply this- I had one of the top two records (well, actually the best record...just saying) , so while the playoffs are starting for the rest of my league, me and my boys are going to be sitting beside a pool somewhere in Marquette and...okay, well it's like 1°F with a wind chill of -9°F right now, so we're probably not at an outdoor pool...come to think of it we're probably in like a Best Western or something. Man, this sucks. Wish we were playing.

Anyhow, sorry if that came across a little bit insufferably jerky- it's just that you literally no idea how shocked and surprised I am that my team has not only done well this year- but it has done VERY well. Sure, I could lose next week and go home with the consolation prize of 'Paper Champion'. But for a guy who had never had a winning season before, to have the best team in the league this late in the season...well, it's a pretty big deal. And so over the next couple weeks, I will probably continue to write insufferable jerk things about my Fantasy team (even more so if I actually, you know, win at all in the playoffs).

But I know you really love this because you've seen me bare my heart and soul on these pages, and you know the pain and suffering I've endured the last two years and you're probably just really happy for me. Therefore I'll continue to indulge you with what is essentially "Chicken Soup for the Fantasy Football player's soul".

Week 8- This week, I realized that the term 'Fantasy Football' is actually quite a misnomer. See, if this was my 'fantasy', then my best players would never have bye weeks at the same time, they would never get hurt, and they would always have 'green' matchups. So in reality, "Fantasy" Football usually ends up being "AARRGGH FRICKING STUPID #*%*" Football and I hate it. Week 8 found me facing the expansion L'Anse SHEagles, with (so I thought) all three of my top RBs out (two with bye weeks) and many of my other players caught in 'red' matchups (Note: I'm not actually going to explain the difference between 'green' and 'red'. Feel free to make up your own definitions). My team was brave and almost pulled out the win, but ended up on the short end of a 113-102 score.
What went right-Victor Cruz (15) and Mario Manningham (12) looked good in my WR corps. Nick Novak had 15 in the K slot. And I only lost by 11 points. So that's a good thing- a positive I can build off of, right? RIGHT????

This doesn't have anything to do with this article- but anytime you can post a picture of a football player peeing on the sidelines...well, you do it. You just do.

What went wrong- Earlier, I alluded to the belief that my top three RBs were unavailable to play for me. Of course, Beanie Wells wasn't really out- he just let me think he was all week. He must have had, like, his own personal healing crusade, going from "season ending injury" to "maybe see some action versus the Angry Ravens" to "14 points". Thanks Beanie. Thanks for the heads up. JERK. Tom Brady struggled so badly in Pittsburgh (even though he had 19 points) that I seriously went out and started checking out other QBs. What's that- Curtis Painter is still availble? Interesting (strokes chin).... It didn't help that all the NFL talking heads kept going on and on about how the league had figured out how to stop the Patriots.
Bonehead move- Analyzing each game like it's a middle school relationship. Seriously, I am running out of ways to discuss my inability to grasp reality when it comes to Fantasy Football. Aside from the whole 'it's not really real' aspect, I cannot understand my lack of understanding that, despite having poor matchups and some injuries, I almost won this game. This was not a bad loss- and yet, mentally, the dip to a 6-2 record somehow forced me to tighten the belt-strap of my positive outlook and plan for another playoff-less year. After an 11 point loss. Dear God, what's wrong with me????

Week 9- Oh, great. A matchup with War Machine, my other nemesis- just when things are falling apart. Perfect! That's just great. This is the guy that knocked me out of the playoffs a couple years ago. This is the guy that I always seem to make some really dumb move when I'm playing against him that costs me the game. And while I didn't get the most out of my matchups this week, I was able to pull off a 102-99 thriller.
What went right- I'm going to have to start calling Matt Forte "The Closer", since for whatever reason he always seems to be one of my last players playing and has never failed to score enough points to secure the win. This week he had 11, which paired with DeSean Jackson's 0, enabled me to eek out the improbable victory. Of course, it wouldn't have been so improbable if I hadn't left Gronkowski's 17 and Nelsons 17 on the bench. Brady ended my brief flirtation with Painter by scoring 20, and Michael Bush had 18 in relief of the injured RunDMC.
What went wrong- Once again I'm bitten by the "Smart move turned stupid by WTFness". DeMarch Murry, a third round pick who had been playing semi-sporadically, racks up 18 points against the #6 defense. Obviously I sat him. Beanie Wells, meanwhile, faced off against the next-to-last ranked defense- and accumulated a whole 3 points. Obviously I played him.
Bonehead move- I think it's because I'm starting to realize that this whole thing is a crapshoot and there really are no great or bonehead moves except in hindsight, but I probably played my roster the right way this week. Even though I left lots of points on the bench, my theories behind them were usually sound, and things just didn't turn out the way I thought they would. Wait a minute, was that cool-headed logic I just applied? I think I need to lie down.

Week 10- Whew! That was close. No time to enjoy a hard earned win though- not with Bullies coming into town for a rematch. A win coupled with a loss by War Machine or Disco will guarantee me a playoff spot.  And I did my part (almost doubling him up, 158-80, as my team remembers that it kicks serious ass), therefore reducing the magic number to clinching not just a playoff spot- but the division- to 1 game.
What went right- I had 7 of 9 guys go for double digits. Brady had 32 and put Curtis Painter so far back on the rear view mirror he looks like Kurt Cobain. Bush had 30 on the Thursday night game, which gave me a little bit of relief after a couple stress-filled Sabbaths. Murray had 23 and Nelson had 18.
What went wrong- Picking nits, but Gronkowski had 24 points on my bench. When you win by 78 it's difficult sometimes to pick out the bad. Which you have to do, or these slackers will turn soft.
Bonehead move- At this point, things are going the best they ever have in my Fantasy Football career. My roster, as I've said before, often sets itself. I have tremendous depth at RB and TE, with a great QB, a solid D, and enough points from WR and K to fill in the blanks. No bonehead move this week. Other than Gronkowski.

Week 11- A rematch with Disco, who has turned things around (4-1 in his last 5) and is now in the thick of the playoff hunt. A win here and I pretty much clinch the division. And (as I like to think I am wont to do in such situations) I put the lumber to Disco, 137-65 (my 2nd straight week of high scoringness) and clinch the division. Hello, playoffs- it's been awhile!
What went right- Hmmm....should I start with Nelson's 25? Or how about Gronkowskis 21? Maybe Brady should get some props for his 20. But I'll give the props to Cruz, who had 19 and is pretty much the best waiver wire pick-up I've ever had. A special shout-out to Kevin Smith for the huge, HUGE game he had for the Lions. No, he wasn't on my roster- and Disco didn't leave him on the bench. No, Smith was racking up 39 points for the Lions for the Knights while Mercury Morris (starting for team Disco) was more importantly not racking up those points.
What went wrong- Nothing for me (other than Mike Williams' 14 point resurrection from the dead) - but poor Disco. Chris Johnson continued his campaign to forever be the highest paid RB by making sure other teams never ever give contract extensions to their RBs again. This time, it was a 2 point stinker.  Of course, there's not too much sympathy from a former 4-9 squad given to the 2-time defending champs. I just needed to write something about Chris Johnson and how much he sucks this year.
Bonehead move- None. Zip. Zero. I was flawless this week. Well, other than I could have played Mike Williams and got some more points. But then I would have had to play Mike Williams. And that would have been a bonehead move.

Week 12- So this must be what retirement is like- you work, work, work for your whole lifetime (or in this case, 11 weeks) and when you're done, you just kind of...sit there, I guess? Because having clinched the division and a first round bye with 2 weeks to go...I'm not sure what I should do. I can't rest my starters, because they aren't really resting- so I guess I'll just keep kicking ass and taking names. This week I rematch against Team Knights, and since the Lions (which are the lifeblood of the Knights) play on Turkey day, I knew that by Friday I would know whether or not I'd most likely win or not. And it turns out that I did win, rather handily, by a score of 153-90. For the third straight week (and fifth time overall) I have the highest score in the league. At this point I keep pinching myself to makOUCH!! Yup. Not dreaming.
What went right- Tom (35 points) you know I wouldn't have traded you for real, right? Please tell me you know my sudden infatuation with Curtis Painter was mostly because I saw him from behind. You've always been the QB for me, Tom. Jimmy Graham (20), Cruz (28), and the Ravens D (25) all crack the 20 mark. And sadly (for the Lions fan who lives somewhere in the closet of my brain) the Lions struggle, which means that Team Knights struggled.
What went wrong- But it's a good thing the Lions struggled- because I would have been simply livid with myself had my sitting of Beanie Wells (and his 28 points) came back to bite me. I know, I know- he was playing against the Rams- how could I sit him? To which I would have replied, 'How could I not sit him?'. Last time they played the Rams, he had 2 whole points. I remember that game, because I had been so excited to play him against the Rams- 2 points. 2! Additionally, they said he was pretty banged up. And John Skelton was his QB. So that's why I sat him. And his 28 points. But it wasn't just wells. Even Donald Brown had 15 points. And Mike Williams had 12.  It's like my bench guys are starting to riot. There's too many points- I can't keep them under control, warden!!!
Bonehead move- Having my bench guys use up their cosmically allotted groups of points. I didn't need any extra points, fellas! I won by 63 this week. Why didn't you use those earlier this year, Mike? Beanie, where were some of those 28 points the last time you played the Rams? YOU'RE KILLING ME GUYS!!! KILLING ME!!!

Week 13- A late season divisional rematch against Dennis with...well, nothing on the line? The stakes in this pre-playoff tune-up are....surprisingly low? My goodness. What a crazy year this has been. But I've been rolling, and life's been good. I clinched a playoff spot a few weeks ago, clinched the division last week, and Week 12 saw me clinch the top overall seed. What to play for, really? I guess 11-2 looks better than 10-3- and who wouldn't want to enter the playoffs on a high note, right? So obviously I went out and won 106-91 to cap what has been (and will most likely be) the most glorious year of my Fantasy Football career.
What went right- This win largely came down to luck as opposed to skill. Stephen Jackson (for Dennis) was playing against the 49ers behind the immortal A.J. Feeley. Given those two facts, his 2 points was probably more like 13-14. Brady (23) and Gronkowski (24) combined for almost 50 points, and the Ravens D had 27.
What went wrong- Forget about the fact that Bush and Murray each had only 3 points while Wells (12) and Brown (11) languished on my bench. The Closer got hurt early in the Chiefs game. It didn't hurt me this week, and it might not even hurt me in the playoffs (since I'm freaking LOAD-ed). Still, if there's ever a time when you want your #1 RB to get a season ending injury, it's definitely not in a meaningless tune-up game right before the playoffs. Seriously Matt- I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I played you- I just...well, I just felt the peer pressure, and those guys are all still fighting for their playoff lives (bless their hearts) and I didn't want to make it seem like I was being unfair, and I....okay, I'll stop. Just please, get better soon!
Bonehead move- Leaving my RB situation potentially in the hands of a rookie, a Colt, and Beanie Wells. Seriously. I think that my WRs are going to have to carry me now in the playoffs, and while they've shown that they theoretically can do that...I don't even want to go there. I need to go lie down again.

So I'll be honest- this season review was hard to write. When things are going poorly, it's so much easier for words to flow like water from the broken places of my soul onto the screen. But man, when things are going good? It's just a pain in the butt to try and think of ways to celebrate my awesomeness.  I only came up with, like, five.

As far as the playoffs, I think I have a real good shot at taking it all. But I also know that anything can happen. For instance, if the playoffs had started this week (and I didn't have my, you know, FIRST ROUND PLAYOFF BYE!!!!!)
then most of the teams in our league would have bounced me from the playoffs. So we'll see what happens. The only thing I know for sure is that a huge episode of pain and misery is only one misplay or one injury away. Ah yes, there's that good old defeatist cynicism I've been missing!

PIC-Chicken soup- http://www.blogcdn.com/www.kitchendaily.com/media/2010/05/chicken-in-pot-240.jpg
Novak- http://larrybrownsports.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/nick-novak-peeing-530x363.jpg

5 secretly traumatic Christmas songs

2011-12-04T10:40:00.000-05:00

Aside from religious wars, annoying relatives (uh...that I've heard about. Not any of my relatives. Moving on) and Linnea calender inserts as gifts, Christmas is a peace-filled, loving, and hopeful season that brings out the Thomas Kinkade painting in all of us.

Just let me know when you've stopped throwing up

But the holidays are not all baby deer and rainbow brooks- Christmas is one of the most stressful times of the year. Financial concerns, family stresses, and trying to keep up with the Jones' can make any jolly old elf start dreaming of a white supremacist Christmas.

But even when things are at their absolute worst, you can always listen to Christmas songs. Beacons of light and hope, they are full of heartwarming innocence and wonder. Well, except for the following five songs, which are harboring secret messages of tragedy and trauma and seem to be working to push cognitively unstable people off the edge of their mental cliffs, possibly to serve as minions for Santa in his power play for world domination.

Ho. Ho. Ho.

5) I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

To a kid, about the only thing grosser than the idea of kissing is the idea of your parents kissing. Most kids freak out at the thought of their parents being intimate. Understandable, since that is the yuckiest thing ever. So this song already provides a little bit of trauma right there. This poor little kid, sneaking downstairs hoping to catch a glimpse of the mysterious enigma of Santa Claus, only OH MY GOD THAT IS DISGUSTING- KISSING???? BLECH....and then, he sees it.

Wait a minute- mommy's not kissing Daddy. Mommy's kissing Santa Claus.

Kids aren't generally relationship savants, but even they know that mommies are only supposed to kiss daddies. Sure, maybe the kid would think 'Hey it might be kind of cool to have a new dad who has access to magic flying reindeer and literally every toy I've ever wanted'. More than likely, the child would retreat into an internal safe place where you don't have to worry about your mom leaving the family for a land of elves and candy canes to live with an ageless old geezer while you and your dad live out the rest of your days eating baked beans by the trash can fire.

4) Santa Claus Is Coming To Town

The only reason the lyrics to this song don't make us piss our pants every time we hear it (other than Bruce Springsteen's oddly reassuring fake laugh) is that Santa Claus (SPOILER) isn't actually real. Which is a good thing, because the Santa Claus of this song is a mixture of a vengeful deity, big government, and Edward Cullen.

- You better watch out
You better not cry
Generally when you tell someone they had 'better watch out', it's not because you're genuinely concerned for their well-being. It's because you want them to know that you are a force to be reckoned with and quite possibly a loose cannon as well. Santa starts off his triumphant procession into town by letting everyone know that he is fully capable of kicking ass and taking names.

-He's making a list
And checking it twice;
Gonna find out Who's naughty and nice

So I'm fine with a system of checks and balances. I understand that Santa wants to have standards, and I think he should. After all, you don't want to be spending all your time and magic making gifts for kids that really don't deserve them. It's what makes Christmas work. You have to be good all year so you get that big pay out at the end. Otherwise, society falls apart. It's not that part that bothers me (although considering Santa's bullying tendencies, it is a little disconcerting). No, the problem is this...

-He sees you when you're sleeping
He knows when you're awake
He knows if you've been bad or good

This is where things get pretty creepy. We've already established that Santa is a bully. Now we find out that he's pretty much an omniscient voyeur who is constantly stalking you and keeping track of your actions- and the tone of this song would suggest that he is just waiting for that one moment, that one time when you slip up and let your defenses down. BANG.

You just got taken out by the naughty list. Merry Christmas.

3) Santa Baby

My friend Summer pointed out that this song paints a gold-digging picture of women and implies that a woman finds her worth in being good looking and having a rich man give them lots of fancy stuff (as opposed to earning it herself). Now she's really smart and a woman (um....I don't mean that in a scientific discovery sort of way- like, World's first actually smart woman found frozen in ice cave) so I can't comment too much on her thoughts (But she's right).

No, I want to focus on the fact that the woman singing the song seems to be suffering from a severe case of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It's not fatal- it'll probably just lead to the downfall of Christmas.

In case you didn't read the hyperlink, here's a few of the symptoms of NPD. Let me know if any of these sound familiar:
•Take advantage of other people to achieve his or her own goals
•Exaggerate achievements and talents
•Be preoccupied with fantasies of success, power, beauty, intelligence, or ideal love
•Have unreasonable expectations of favorable treatment
•Pursue mainly selfish goals

Obviously this woman is blatantly trying to rip off the 'Be good/get free stuff' holiday system by being marginally good and asking for way more stuff than any one person should be. Amongst the things she asks for are: a sable (not sure what a sable is. It could be this. Or this), a light blue '54 convertible, a yacht, the deed to a platinum mine, a duplex, blank checks (already signed, presumably from Santa's magical money bank), and something else...what is it...oh yeah. A ring. Not on the phone either. A ring.

No, no, no- not The Ring- just a ring.

She's not the kind of person that can accept that, maybe this year you only get the '54 convertible and the blank checks but you'll have to wait until next year for the other stuff. No, she's like SANTA BRING ME ALL MY STUFF RIGHT NOW!!!!

But when is right now? Is it Christmas eve? If so, isn't it a little unreasonable to present Santa with the above Christmas list on the night before Christmas??? Sure, Santa has some magic- but little elves make most of the stuff. You think you can just place an order for an antique car, a yacht, and a duplex like elves are some fantasy short order cooks? And if it's not Christmas eve, then who does she think she is, ordering Santa to make an extra trip?

Really, she should be thankful to get anything. Despite her claims to have been an 'awful good girl', she offers very little evidence to support her claim. Apparently by missing out on tons of fun and not kissing a bunch of dudes, she thinks that she's somehow the Mother Theresa of gift requesters. Well you know what lady? I didn't have much fun this year- it's called "being poor". And I didn't go around kissing a bunch of other people, either. It's called "I love my wife". But you don't see me asking for a bunch of crap for Christmas- the only thing from your list that remotely appeals to me is the blank checks from Santa. And I might not be a good guy, just so you know.

Nonetheless, I think Santa will do the right thing. I trust Santa's decision making- this is the same guy that initially denied Ralphie's request for an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle because of concerns about shooting his eye out. But after reading this list, Santa might bypass 'well she can't have this/this/that' and just go straight to 'I quit'. If you spend any time around older people, you know some of the disdain they have for the entitlement of our generation. Well imagine being as old as Santa Claus and spending your entire life revolving around giving people nice things for free and never really receiving the proper thanks. Now imagine that some woman unloads a Christmas list worth more than some small countries and demands immediate service. Sounds like retirement to me.

2) Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer

Thanks to the wonder of claymation, we all know the story of Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer. The upstart mutant freak of the North Pole saved the day, married the girl, and lived happily ever after.

Except he didn't.

Because the song leaves us right before Rudolph leaves on his big Christmas saving adventure. We literally don't know what happened the next day, or any of the days after. Sure, the other reindeer say 'you'll go down in history'- but that's just because Rudolph is about to bail them out big time. They'd say anything to get him to help them out.

So what do you think happens when the reindeer return to the North Pole? They're returning to the same culture where Rudolph was repeatedly ostracized for his glowing non-conformity. The ones that hated him before will have even more reason to hate him now that they see everyone fawning over him for saving Christmas. And that hatred will burn even brighter- you could even say it'll glow. Life is not some cheesy movie or simple song- the apparent instantaneous transformation from disableists to Rudo!ph 4ever!sts probably has more to do with the fact that he was saving their asses than it does any change of heart. Now that they're back in the normal routine, they'll realize that they still hate Rudolph.

It's no coincidence that Rudolph is pretty much never heard from again (despite the songs' claims that he is 'the most famous reindeer of all'). Rudolph is the classic shooting star- he came out of nowhere, saved Christmas, and then disappeared from the scene forever. And do you know why we probably never heard about Rudolph again? Because the other reindeer finally let him play some reindeer games. Specifically the 'Gut Rudolph And Dump The Body' one.

1) Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer

I know, I said songs that were 'secretly' tragic. So how does this one qualify- the tragedy is in the fracking title!

To which I say 'Yes, yes it is'. Obviously it would be horrible to have a relative die on Christmas eve in any fashion. The fact that the family dresses in black, returns gifts, and eats fig pudding speaks about the terrible, inconsolable Christmas that they had this year. And even as the years go on, as the pain slowly fades away there will still be a twinge of regret about the events of that fated Christmas eve.

Regret, mixed with vile hatred and an insatiable thirst for revenge. Because the tragedy is not what happens to grandma, but what is spawned from the aftermath of her death.

Let's start with the premise that there is some tension between the Santa Claus faithful and the non-believing element. Evidently in this Santa Claus-exists universe, there is a crisis of faith. How there can be such a crisis of faith in a world where Santa is real, I don't know- but they are having one. It must be at least a decently sized group, since the implication is that it took the death of grandma at Santa's hands for grandpa to believe.

So Santa Claus, needing to reestablish his legitimacy, accidentally runs over some old woman while out on his rounds. Now, the whole thing is probably just a misunderstanding gone wrong.  Some drunk elderly woman (who had forgot her medication) walking home on a snowy night gets run over by reindeer-drawn sleigh. It happens. Most likely what happened is that Santa is simply guilty of negligent homicide. He should have left a note with his contact info and insurance information.  Or at the very least, hide the body. End of issue.

Instead, Santa not only leaves the body with no expression of recourse or remorse- but he plants Claus marks on her back. I'm not sure what a Claus mark is, but it's enough of a mark to where people can see it and say 'Oh my God- this was the work of Santa Claus!'.  Yup- this story just took a turn into serial killer land.

But Santa is not a serial killer- he's a father figure who has fallen on hard times and is trying to protect his family.  The whole Christmas operation runs on the Christmas spirit that, for whatever reason, seems to be dwindling. Faced with making tough choices like laying off elves or possibly cutting back on presents, Santa has to do something drastic to reignite the passion in everyones hearts. Unfortunately, he's a little out of touch with the mainstream and doesn't realize that it's not really acceptable to kill people and leave their bodies lying around as a form of communication.

Grandma's family takes this action personally and funnels their passion into an anti-Santa bunker mentality.  This family has decided that this one simple, probable accident is the last straw and they want to revoke Santa's license.  Whatever it was that happened on that fateful night, Santa Claus can look forward to an eternity of 'God hates Santa' posters and Christmas eve picketers on rooftops all over the Bible Belt.

Imagine a universe where Santa Claus is solely responsible for creating Fred Phelps and the Westboro Baptist Church. Because that's what will likely happen after grandma's funeral is over. Praise the Lord- and pass the ammunition.

PIC- Kinkade http://www.kinkadecentral.com/kinkade-2010-bambis-first-year-1st-art-disney-thomas.jpg
Firearms- http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2011/11/27/article-2066860-0EF6BD5E00000578-307_636x392.jpg
Santa- http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_m0l6BP3niIU/TRTL79vHLAI/AAAAAAAAAOU/JmF7zT3TJT0/s1600/url.jpeg
Elf sniper- http://www.victoryforce.com/Merchant2/merchant.mvc?Screen=PROD&Store_Code=VFM&Product_Code=770111&Category_Code=storybook
The Ring- http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_6DpEiwWPjI8/TMWpgXVZfoI/AAAAAAAAKDo/zP073WR-IRQ/s1600/655b6f0c-baca-411b-a3a6-8f0be0207a4a_Samara_Morgan.jpg
Fred Phelps- http://images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20060922084242/wikiality/images/1/1e/Fred_Phelps.png

Get a Bachelors Degree in Whatever It Was You Could Already Do

2011-12-03T09:35:00.000-05:00

This Monday, I start my second job at the elementary school. For those of you not strategically tapped into my brain waves, I'm going to be working in a functional learning skills classroom with children with some pretty severe developmental disabilities. I know it's going to be hard work and there will be many challenging days. Plus I'll still be working at my current job, so I'll be working literally every day of the week (around 60 hours per week in total. Yup. I'm badass). Nonetheless, I'm very excited about this opportunity. Which, given the hopelessness in my job searching since graduation, is no small feat.

It's been a year and a half since I graduated, and the only jobs I've been able to secure are the ones that I could have got with a mere high school education. Don't get me wrong- I've enjoyed most of those jobs. I've had fun, got some nice experience, and met some great people. But it is slightly frustrating to have spent mucho mula to go to college to get jobs that I could have with my trusty high school diploma.

Not that I would give back my college experience for anything. I learned so much about the world I live in, I met a phenomenal group of women that taught me just as much as the professors did (a metric crap-ton), and I got some nice looking trophies to hang on my resume. I got to be the first person in my immediate family to graduate from college and that is an achievement that I do not take lightly. And my children got to see me walk across the stage to receive my degree, so they see that there is some value in hard work and perseverance.

Of course, it's a good thing I learned to persevere so that when I graduated I could find a series of part time jobs to work hard at so we could barely stay afloat. Post college life has been a struggle. Before I got this job at the school, I hadn't been able to find anyone willing to hire me for more than 24 hours a week or $8 an hour (I don't count my time as an AFT because that was like a paid three-month tour of duty in hell). Not from lack of effort- there's just not that much out here in the U.P. I even applied at Target and Wal-Mart! All I got was a 'Thanks but no thanks' e-mail from Target and no call back from Wal-Mart. I guess it was just as depressing for them to think about hiring a 32-year old college graduate as it was for me to think about working there.

I shouldn't take it so personally though. The fact is that more kids are graduating from college today than in the past, and so the field of potential employees for limited jobs is now a much more competitive one (for better and for worse). I didn't get a case manager position at the social service agency I work for now because a couple of other BSWs had applied for the same position. Sure, I have reason to believe that I was the better candidate based on my resume (and my self-affirmation bias) but the reality is that there are more and more people who look like me (just on paper, thank God) in the search for jobs.

The structure of the employment market is different too. Back in the day, you could afford to graduate from high school and get a nice factory job that would pay you good, middle-class money and you could work there for 30 years or whatever and then retire. BOOM. Sure, there were elite jobs that required college, but you could still make a good living without it.

Nowadays, the same hierarchical job structure is there, except that the factory-type job paying middle-class money with benefits has been outsourced to other countries. So the middle and lower jobs saw a shift downwards in the income level, but now you have to spend around $50,000 just to have a chance to get rejected from these lesser jobs. Unless you go to a rich school where you can make some meaningful ($$$) connections.

Even then, in this era of affirmative action and equal hiring policies you see the 'Old boys network' slowly eroding away. Sure, there are places that you can get a job just based on who you know (and the reality is that social networks do play a role in getting many jobs), but it's getting harder and harder to simply cash in a favor for such work. Trust me, I know. I now have a negative favor balance and a restraining order from Shop-ko.

And even though I've had some nice experiences, apparently they haven't been the right ones. In my quest to thrust myself into the upper-lower class, I have found a plethora of jobs that all seem to be looking for this one thing- experience. Unfortunately you need experience to get experience and they won't hire you without experience. It's like a circular logic merry-go-round, and I'm trying to jump on it...except the guy spinning it is the Incredible Hulk.

And he's drinking what looks to be Campells Grape-flavored soup. Must have been a '70's thing...

Say what you will about Occupy Wall Street (I guess really I should just say Occupy X, since prit-near every city has their own Occupy movement now), but the basic premise of the movement is sound. There is a disparity in our society. It's easy to point the finger at poor people and call them lazy or entitled or whatever, but there are people out there who are willing and able to work hard- there just aren't many opportunities to work hard and make a decent living. Yes, my life as an American in poverty is much, much better than most of the poor people (and even some non-poor people) elsewhere in the world. I'm thankful for what I have and for the opportunities that I've been afforded.

But the American Dream wasn't built on the idea that hard work and sacrifice will get you the exact same thing that just doing the bare minimum would. No, that's just what the latest version of it has become.
PS- Since I'll be working around 60 hours per week between my two jobs, I can't promise that my blog will receive the tender love and care that you've come to expect from me. I do hope to update it often enough for it to not fade into oblivion...but I don't know how much energy I'll have at the end of each day, either. Regardless of what happens in the short term, I at http://www.youshouldknowjasonparks.blogspot.com/ am not leaving and will continue to sporadically give you the same level of post quality as I did back when I was a underemployed stay-at-home dad/bum. Which I suppose could be taken as a sign to abandon ship, I don't know.

PIC- http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Jc2OHMpo7FE/Te_DAFPjwQI/AAAAAAAACS8/M6HGFZfcUnY/s1600/bixby_hulk5.jpg

College football thoughts from this past weekend

2011-11-26T21:07:00.001-05:00

Despite paying little or no attention to college football in my blog this year, in the spirit of the recently-concluded "rivalry weekend" (or I guess I could say week now, as there were games on Thursday and Friday), I'm going to force you to choose whether or not to be subjected to my musings. (But the answer is yes).

-First of all, hats off to Michigan for beating the Buckeyes for the first time in seven years. Granted it was a very close win at home against a far inferior opponent, but still- a win is a win. A lot has changed at Michigan since the last time they beat the team from the south. Michigan has been doing the Hoke-y Pokey this season, which seems to have turned themselves around (which is really what it's all about). Jim Tressel (the anti-John Cooper) is busy rocking his sweater-vest as a consultant for worst NFL team in the world (for once, not the Detroit Lions). Terrelle Pryor, highly esteemed four year OSU starting QB, graduated and....wait, you mean Pryor didn't graduate? He was forced to leave school early because of a scandal? Oh. Never mind*.

- Urban Meyer, former Florida Gators coach and current ESPN talky guy, created quite a stir this weekend by denying reports that Ohio State had offered him its head coaching position, but then asking to be taken off of the broadcast team for the OSU-U-M game. Meyer has admitted that if the Buckeyes make an offer, he'd have "a decision to make" (which shows that Meyer has come a long way from middle school, when girls would ask him to dance and he'd just sort of stand there until they either gave up or just grabbed his arms and dragged him to the dance floor).

I mean, if he does decide to return to coaching, he's not going to get much of a better offer than OSU. Top notch school, great tradition and history, able to pick from the best players every year- with a great offensive mind like Meyer has, OSU would be back on top in, like, two seasons. Tops.

And I hate that we're even talking about this. Not just because it's OSU, either.

What pisses me off is that he "retired" last December (which is, according to my calendar, less than a year ago) to "spend some time with his family". I used the ".." because I think it's probably B.S. And I'm not just hating on Meyer. I know other coaches have done this as well, and and retiring to spend time with his family, only to quickly return to some other lucrative coaching opportunity.

At least Meyer did take some time off. Yeah, he took off about a month and a half before he was hired by ESPN in January of 2011 to be a college football analyst. This probably means one of three things:
1) He realized that he really doesn't like his family that much.
2) He does like his family, but in that month and a half he was able to spend so much time with them that there was literally nothing else that they could do as a family.
3) Urban is really, really bad with money and just needed to get a job.

Of course, a fourth reason is probably that he realized Tim Tebow had graduated and that a string of 4-5+ loss seasons was looking him square in the face. That's enough to send any coach to the hospital with chest pains. I think coaches leave for this reason or that reason, and the "spend time with family" one is supposed to somehow dumb things down- like they're trying to convince us that they really are humans (just like us) and not simply overly-competitive workaholic megalomaniacs.

I wonder if his kids got really excited when they found out he was quitting the job that meant he was never, ever home (and probably distant/stressed out when he was home)- and what their feelings were when, less than two months later, he was going back to another job that meant lots of hours, phone calls on birthdays and 'hurry up and open your damn Christmas presents, I have to be at practice at 6 a.m. today' holidays.

Note to future Urban Meyer players: If Urban Meyer ever refers to your team as 'family', then abandon ship- you know that you are about to be thrown under the bus.

-Speaking of throwing under the bus, Montee Ball from U-W decided that, in his quest to break Barry Sanders' single-season record for TDs (and by the way, when I read that, I realized how strongly I still feel about Barry Sanders because it sort of made me mad that someone was approaching his record), he would give his O-line the Marq-tran Heave-ho. After the Badgers win against Penn State, he said (in terms of the record), "Whatever the offensive line wants. If they want me to get there, then I'll get there".

Alright, so I guess it's not really throwing them under the bus, it's more like a well-time hip check just as the bus is coming by.

Still, I couldn't believe it when I read that. You're putting the onus on your O-line to get you this mark? That whether or not you achieve your record is dependent on their level of desire? Never mind which plays the coaches call, down/distance, game situations, defensive game planning, what have you. The latent statement here is "If I don't get it, it's because my O-line is a bunch of selfish slackers". Which isn't really a message you want to send to the guys protecting you from the 250+ pound Ball-seeking missiles.

Montee, you've had a phenomenal season, even if you don't break the TD record (and I'm hoping you don't. Just saying). But could it be that maybe you got your sports cliches mixed up? That is, you recognize that the O-line is a huge part of your success and you know that every player is an important part of the team but you had to answer a question about an individual record and there was some sort of short circuit in your brain...maybe?

It'll be interesting to see if the Badger O-line takes it personal (and I'm hoping they do. Just saying).

-After a topsy turvey seasons end, the BCS is finally shaping up a little bit...unfortunately it looks like it's going to be an SEC title game in the NCAA title game. As a football fan and SEC ambivalist, I'm not really looking forward to this.

I don't want to take away anything from the LSU Tigers- they were pretty much dominant in every game this season (only one win was by less than 2 TD- technically. 13 point win against Mississippi State) and they look like the best team in the country. I'm still holding out hope that Georgia pulls the upset in the SEC title game but I'm not holding my breath. And even if I were holding my breath, I'd wait until much, much closer to the actual game itself because I would surely pass out several times if I started now.
But after seeing Michigan lose out on a shot at a rematch against OSU a few years ago (when they met late in the season as #1 vs. #2) , I'm not overly keen on seeing LSU-Alabama II for all the marbles. Yes, they're ranked #1 and #2- but my personal feelings are that those rankings are (maybe) more indicative of where they started the season ranked. At seasons beginning, LSU was ranked #4 and Alabama was #2. Now, they did each have an early season test (which they both passed)- but there was a lot of fluff to be had on those schedules as well. And overall, the SEC had what I would call a down year.

I've already written about the inherent flaw in the ranking system, so I won't get into that again. In fact, I'm not even going to hyperlink to it. If you want to read it, then by golly get up off your lazy butt and find it! Sorry, I was just channeling my inner-Montee Ball there for a second.

As someone who likes to see underdogs succeed, it's very frustrating that teams like Oklahoma State (who admittedly had a really, really bad hiccup), Boise State (who lost a much more defensible close game at home versus a very good TCU team), and even Stanford (with only one loss, which came against a top-10 team) are going to be left on the sidelines while Alabama gets the second chance that Michigan didn't get five years ago.

- If Mark Ingram won the Heisman back in 2009 (which he did, according to my sources), then Trent Richardson deserves to win it in 2011. I would vote for Richardson on principle, but he's had superior numbers to Ingram and ended his regular season with a monster game in the Iron Bowl against Auburn (unlike Ingram, who limped to the finish and pretty much won the Heisman because he had a captive audience the weekend the votes were cast). There are plenty of worthy candidates- but Richardson has been a beast all year playing for the #2 ranked team. He was held under 100 yards rushing 3 times- against Kent State (37 yards, probably only played like a quarter, did have 3 TDs), Tennessee (77 yards, had 2 TDs), and LSU (89 yards, with 80 yards receiving). So even when he was "sub-par", he was still pretty "sup-er". Did you see what I did there? Impressive, no?

So that's my football thoughts for now. In the meantime, Go Snow Flurries!!!

*Obviously I knew about the scandal. Even though I no longer consider myself a die-hard Michigan fan, this disdain for OSU has died hard, and I couldn't resist a little elbow-to-the-ribs of the Buckeye nation. Nothing like a rivalry win to make me feel a little Internet bravery, eh?

Shame on Suh

2011-11-24T19:32:00.001-05:00

As Thanksgiving day 2011 comes to a close, I just thought of something else I'm thankful for. I'm thankful for having a Detroit Lions team that does not disgrace the game so badly that the TV talking heads are forced to opine the merits of taking away the one Lions tradition that does not involve poor drafting or poor play. If there's one thing I hate worse than always having a bad team, it's watching pre-game shows where everybody tells me how bad my team is. Hey, thanks Dan Marino- but I already knew that Matt Millen flushed the whole freaking franchise down the toilet.

In case you didn't watch the Packers-Lions turkey day tilt this afternoon (and if you're reading this blog, there is really no reason why you shouldn't have), then you missed the time when Ndamukong Suh morphed into the WWF version of the Incredible Hulk.

Much has been made this season about the Detroit Lions being a dirty team and Suh being named the dirtiest player in the league (in a recent poll done by the Sporting News. I guess). For the most part, I don't have a huge problem with, as Brian Urlacher put it, the Lions playing to 'the echo of the whistle'. This is about changing a losing culture, and if they have to go a little too far the other way- well, that's fine. People just need to know that they can't mess with the Detroit Lions.

In that regard, I love what Suh brings to the table. He is a physical freak- with python-like arms, a non-stop motor, and running back athleticism. He has an impossible to pronounce/spell first name mixed with a phonetically pleasing last name which helps him to appeal to...well, whatever demographic that sort of thing appeals to. His arrival in Detroit has coincided with the Renaissance that has been Detroit football the last couple years. It's like a breath of fresh air, which is no trivial thing when you're living in a cesspool like Detroit.

Of course, you have to take the bad with the good, and in this case, our dominant defensive lineman/philanthropist is also apparently a delusional homicidal maniac. During the past two seasons, he has almost ripped the heads off of two QBs. He also did a pretty fair 'Hulk Smash' impression on Jay Cutler's back last year. The worst part of this is that he doesn't seem to realize this- or he does realize and just doesn't care.

Today's incident seriously upped the rhetoric from the 'Suh/dirty player' camps, and as much as it pains me to say this- the pundits just might be right about this one. I think what puts elevates this incident over the others in terms of 'Okay, maybe Suh is a little bit of an angry douche-bag' was when he unsuccessfully tried to tell the world that he was the victim here.

Before watching Suh wade through probably the worst apology/defense since Tiger Woods tried to tell us his golf clubs had attacked him, his shenanigans reminded me of the Bad Boys. Sure, they played rough, and they may or may not have broken some rules (as well as basic laws of human decency), but they were our team and it actually made us feel closer to them. People were backing us into the same corner, and as long as that corner wasn't anywhere near Bill Laimbeer, we were just fine to bunkerize ourselves with them.

It's been the same thing for Donkey-Kong Suh. With each incident, each act of competitive violence, it was just justified in the context of being a 'competitor'. Yeah he tried to rip his head off- but it's Jake Delhomme. He'd have done the Browns a favor! And so what that he tried to forearm shiver Jay Cutler into a greasy paste? He was just trying to make a play! Besides, sometimes I just think your hands end up really close to someones head in football and you just have to violently tear them away. Completely natural.

But today was somehow different. And I really think the difference lies in the level of self-deceit apparent in the post game comments about the incident.

Understand that football can be a violent game and with all that adrenaline and testosterone and pressure, it makes sense that dudes would get pissed off once in awhile. I'm not begrudging Suh that. Sure, his stunt gave the Packers a first down inside the 5 after we had just stopped them on a third-and-goal, which was exactly what our team needed after the Packers apparently performed some sort of ritual exorcism at halftime and rid them of the first half sucktitude. The fact that he got ejected was just icing on the 'We're screwed' cake. Okay, so maybe I'm a little bit begrudging.

But if he just would have came out afterwards and been like 'Man, I don't know what happened- I was just really really hungry and I didn't think I could wait until after the game, and I just kept thinking about turkey, and I was pissed that I couldn't eat until after the game and- well, I let my hunger get the best of me and I behaved in a way that was detrimental to my team, the fans, and this great organization. I'm sorry, and I'll accept whatever punishment that comes my way'. I would have accepted that. Lots of dudes get angry and do stupid stuff. Especially when turkey is involved.

That's not what he did though. He came out and basically blamed the refs for throwing him out for just trying to get up. He appealed to his 'true fans' and God (I'm assuming God. He said 'the man upstairs'. Which, given his apparent assessment of reality, could be some guy that he actually thinks lives 'upstairs') and basically accused anyone who tries to spin this into the 'Suh=dirtiest NFL player' narrative of being some sort of self-serving jerk-nalist. He tried to justify the kicking action by saying he was 'trying to gain his balance'.

HULK...TRYING TO...MAINTAIN....EQUILIBRIUM...

Some of the TV talking heads were talking about the possibility of a suspension and I have to say I agree with them on this. I'm sorry, he can create a persecution-free layer of protection in his mind, but it's pretty plain to see that there was some malicious intent there. At the very least, suspend him for a game and send him to some ballet classes where they can help him with his balance so that he doesn't accidentally kill someone next time he falls down.

And seriously, I think a suspension would do him good, if for no other reason than to hopefully get him to acknowledge that 'Hey, I can still be a tough guy who stretches the rules just as long as I don't obviously break them'. We were joking about Suh before the game, and the ripping off of other players heads (figuratively speaking) and in that moment I sort of pictured that very thing literally happening- and it didn't surprise me at all. And it makes sense. Suh is not the first guy with that kind of strength and that built up passive rage (while seeming to lack the ability to comprehend his actions from a second-person perspective) that we've come across...

HULK SHOW YOU ROUGHING PASSER!!!!!

Please, Ndamukong- get some self control before you really hurt someone and throw a potentially Hall-of-Fame career down the toilet.

PIC-
Hulk 1- http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4127/4835814723_cce53fd3c3.jpg
Hulk 2- http://www.riverglassdesigns.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/hulk-smash1.jpg

Rock, paper, scissors, arms race

2011-11-23T01:11:00.000-05:00

NEWS FLASH- Being a parent is hard, apparently. Especially those first few precious years of life when you spend most of your time thinking about what the hell you were thinking. Really the only thing that helps parents get through that endless stretch of sleepless nights, constant crying, and crappy diapers (other than the fear of legal recourse. Oh, and love. Heh heh, obviously love too. I thought that was implied. Guys?) is the knowledge the someday, your children's worldview will completely and totally be like clay in your hands.

What this really means in layman's terms is that you will be able to buy the toys that you wished you could buy when you were a kid (but your parents wouldn't let you have) and watch your favorite movies and TV shows all the time. Sure, your kids will end up just as screwed up as you are- but that's why they have kids. So they can heal through the life journey that is living our your repressed childhood fantasies through action figures and video games. It's called the circle of life for a reason people!

I say all of that merely to say that one of the recent events in my own pre-apocalyptic timeline is that I have indoctrinated my children into the greatest game ever invented- Paper, Scissors, Rock. Or is it Rock, Paper, Scissors? Gah, I can never remember!

For a passive, non-confrontationalist like me, Crush/Cover/Cut is THE way for solving problems without actually solving problems. If you've spent any time around human beings lately, you know that there are always issues that arise that are not immediately settled and requires either quick thinking or violence to resolve. This happens generally for two reasons (there are probably more but for the sake of making me seem like I know what I'm talking about, let's just assume there's only two):
1) There is an inadequate supply of resources.
2) Negotiations have broken down to a state of 'Uh huh/Nuh uh'.

Teaching them Rochambeau is a great way to help them resolve conflict in a nice, tidy way without yelling, screaming, or violent fisticuffs. But sometimes I feel that by teaching my children to obtain a compromise by using this game, I am just painting them with blood and throwing them to the sharks. Am I overreacting?

Look at this face. It is serious. Clearly then the answer is 'no, I am not overreacting'.

Obviously I'm not teaching them this game just to play it as a game. As you know from all the times you've ever played Paper, Rock, Scissors, the only time it ever gets played is when there is some discord that needs to be unsown. Whether it's the last piece of pizza or who has to get their pajamas on first, Rock, Scissors, Paper is just a much faster and easier way to get to the bottom of things- and it's much more fun! Besides, it potentially involves thumping your sister without fear of reprisal. Wait- I thought you were writing against the game. So what are these supposed downsides?

Well, they are simply this- that my children will not only develop a series of easily deduced (yet fatal) flaws, but also develop equally inane (yet limited) strengths. To convince you that I am, in fact, a Prophet, we're going to look at the Scissors, Paper, Rock love triangle and how all of these pieces interact with each other. Your role in this is to be amazed and then send me money.

Paper versus Rock
Winner: Paper
What Paper teaches us- To take on challenges outside of your pay grade because of you have a plucky underdog spirit.
What would happen instead- You get chewed up, crumpled up, stepped on, torn apart and sent to the recycling bin.

I'm starting with the most obvious miscast first. I cannot imagine any sort of battle where wielding paper would lead you to victory- unless your enemy is packing air guitars. Generally, if you are going into battle and your strongest weapon is found in a MEAD notebook, you might as well tear out a piece, tape it to a pencil (I'm assuming you have these things with you because you have chosen to wage war with office supplies) and just wave it around in the air because surrendering is your best option.

Yes sometimes it's good to face the odds and stare them down because underdogs can win. But sometimes it's just as good to retreat. Sure David beat Goliath- but it's not because Goliath was a great big pushover. David had a little thing I like to call 'divine intervention'. When you clearly don't have that though, probably the next best thing is a little thing I like to call 'retreat!'.

Who is covering who now, huh punk?

A great man of wisdom said it best- You gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, and know just when to get the eff out. For instance, whenever the best weapon in your arsenal is wood shavings mixed with water.

Rock versus Scissors
Winner:Rock
What Rock teaches us- You don't need to totally defeat your enemies- you can get by with only mostly defeating them.
What would happen instead- No, you actually need to defeat them all the way or else they will come back bigger, stronger, and wearing an ass-kicking chip on their now-robust shoulders.

This one actually makes more sense than Paper v. Rock- especially if your scissors are made of plastic. A well-placed blow from a heavy rock to a pair of children's paring shears could probably reduce the scissors to dust (and the child to tears. Uh, sorry kid, war is an ugly thing...and you should have picked paper. I know, it doesn't make sense to me either). But if it's an average pair of kitchen sheers? Then maybe not so much. See lots of scissors are made from stainless steel. Now I'm not smart guy, but I do know that a blow from a rock is not going to be enough to destroy steel. Steel is meant to withstand heavy blows, and it takes thousands of degrees of applied heat to really get close to what I would consider to be 'destroying' it.

In fact, brute strength plays an essential part in the creation of a pair of scissors. One of the tools used to make scissors is called a drop hammer. A drop hammer can exert more than 11,000 pounds of force. When they pound the red-hot steel with one of those suckers, it not only shapes the steel- but it makes it stronger as well.

So unless you are generating large amounts of continuous heat by striking with your rock with the force of a drop hammer, you are definitely not defeating the scissors. All you are probably doing is pissing them off and making them stronger. And if that pair of scissors decides to turn on you?

Oh. So that's what pissed-off metal can do to rock.

Scissors versus Paper
Winner: Scissors
What Scissors teach us- Treat anyone however you wish to treat them, even if that means that you have to hurt them in the process.
What would happen instead- People will get tired of your antics, band together, and you will face an endlessly self-replicating army of enemies.

This one definitely makes the most sense, because it obviously works. Look, I went to Kindergarten. I've seen scissors cut paper before- and it was like the paper wasn't even there. That's a fact. Yo.

Unfortunately, unless you are using flaming scissors, cutting the paper does not kill it. Surely you know this! As with Rock v. Scissors, physical deformity does not equal defeat. All your smug efforts have done is create a second sheet of paper. Sure it's smaller- but you haven't destroyed it, or even disarmed it- you've just doubled it. And probably pissed it off. Congratulations!

And due to the rules of engagement you definitely can't burn it- unless you use the Nuke. But then you're breaking the rules. And nobody likes to play with the kid that breaks the rules.

Right?

PICS-
Rock- http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/7/7e/Rock-paper-scissors_(rock).png
Paper- http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/a/af/Rock-paper-scissors_(paper).png
Scissors- http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/5/5f/Rock-paper-scissors_%28scissors%29.png
Rock- http://www.hobbycraft.co.uk/Assets/Ideas/Large/84.jpg
Shawshank- http://images.wikia.com/shawshank/images/8/85/Andy_Dufresene%27s_escape.jpg
Congress- http://micevhill.com/attachments/Image/congressional_seal.png

Rex Ryan and the $75,000 F-bomb

2011-11-21T20:48:00.000-05:00

In the spirit of Thanksgiving in three days, I have finally found something to be thankful for. And it came to me in the most unlikely of places (New York) in the most unlikely of packages (Rex Ryan). Guys, I am thankful for Rex Ryan. I'll say it right now, I don't even care who knows it- Jesus, thank you for giving Rex Ryan to the NFL.

True, I think he talks way too much trash for someone who hasn't really done anything except almost make it to two Super Bowls. And...actually, I guess now that I think about it, the only thing I really hold against him is his bravado. Hmmm...he might actually be a decent guy!

Let's see...his players seem to love playing for him. He has a better sense of humor than most coaches. Rexy has, for the most part, been a successful head coach- two trips to the AFC title game the last two years (his first two on the job, OH BY THE WAY). He's quite portly, which gives me and my expanding waistline hope for success. Shoot, I might have just talked myself into the Rex Ryan fan club. Thank you, Thanksgiving!

Since I'm Rex's newest BFF, I have no other alternative than to come to the defense of my closest friend. Today, the NFL announced that Rex Ryan would be fined $75,000 for swearing at a fan. Here's the video if you haven't seen it:

Apparently the NFL stands for 'No F-bombs aLlowed', or something. Apparently in the magical land of the NFL, a fan can provoke a coach who is coming off of a three hour emotional rollercoaster (that pretty much ended with a straight shot down into hell) into saying the 'F' word and it costs the coach $75,000. Meanwhile, Lee Corso drops an 'Effer in a nice comfy chair surrounded by cute,cheering co-eds-


And don't forget beautiful college girls

and gets zero disciplinary action (other than having to apologize on-air). So unfair.

Seriously, this is completely ridiculous! Is anyone else as pissed off as I am pretending to be? I know, I know- these aren't even the same situation. Two very different bureaucracies (NFL vs. ESPN) involving two wildy divergent histories (the Sunshine Scooter versus the NFL's Marshall Mathers). Some dufus with a webcam pokes Rex with a verbal stick (which seems about as smart as poking a bear with a stick-stick, and not just because of physical similarities) while Corso works the room like a comedian getting ready to drop the big punchline. Just makes me sick.

I'm not really bothered by either incident, actually. I've already talked about how words are really just formations of letters that are devoid of meaning unless it's assigned meaning from an external source. An 'eff bomb' here or there doesn't really bother me at all- in fact, Lee Corso doubled my joy intake for his gaffer. I just find it terrible that Ryan's more defensible act cost him 75,000 bones while Corso's seemingly more pre-meditated (at best, less of an emotional reaction) cost him a five-second apology.

Okay, okay, my ill-conceived and baseless rant in defense of my buddy is over. Yes I was wrong. I recognize that there are rules for a reason and that Ryan clearly violated the sportsmanship clause of the disciplinary policy. As the coach of an NFL team, you can't take your frustrations out on the poor, defenseless ~~probably drunk~~ fans. You have to keep your cool, Rex.

But this is where I show Rex that I'm a real friend. Because not only did I stick up for him- but I'm going to help him do better next time. I did some exhaustive research (by that I mean I read like, four articles maybe) and found some ways that Rex can blow off some steam, maintain a sense of self-deviance, and save a bundle of money (or at least get more bang for his buck).
- Try to rip off an opponents head by grabbing the face mask and just ripping that puppy off. That only cost Matthew Stafford $7,500. Savings- $67,500
- Allow someone to try and tear your head off and then get pissed and retaliate, just like D.J. Moore did. Sure, you'll get fined twice as much as the guy who tries the initial head/neck breach ($15,000), but you'll still save a cool $60,000.
- Next time there's a lockout, just say 'Whatever' to the rules and keep in touch with your players. The Bucs just got fined 100,000 big ones for improper lockout contact. Sure, it's more money up front. But wouldn't you rather spend $100,000 to practice illegally than $75,000 getting pissed because it looks like you don't practice at all?
- Lots of times, we can tell if we're starting to get stressed way before we have a big blow up. And when that happens, we just have to find someone that we're comfortable talking to. Blow off a little steam, get some feedback, and we're good to go. Crisis averted. Borrow a page from Troy Polamalu's book and just keep a cell phone handy on the sidelines for such an occasion. That'll only cost you 10k, and save you a fortune (depending on your cell phone plan, of course).
- Sometimes a little talky-talky doesn't really do the soul any good though. In those instances, the best thing you can do is find someone in a vulnerable, defenseless position and just unload on them. Knock that poor bastard into next week. It won't save you a ton of change (Ryan Clark was fined $40,000 for hitting a defenseless receiver), but the satisfaction it brings will make up for it in spades.
- Don't be afraid to do something a little bit dangerous...as far as fashion goes. The NFL had to fine Earl Bennett twice (for a total of 15,000) and threatened him with an additional $15,000 fine for wearing bright orange shoes during two games (instead of the acceptable orange and blue shoes). Why the fine? I posit that it's because Earl was just working those shoes, man!

Admit it- you would pretend to care about fashion to be this close to Heidi Klum.

- It's okay to admit that you don't like Tom Brady. You hate him. You don't have to pretend with me, Rexy- I know how you feel about him. Especially when you look at your own QB (Mark Sanchez) and see how much he sucks when compared to Brady. It's like that cocky neighbor kid you just can't stand...except you keep comparing him to your own kid and realizing how much better he is than your kid and so you still hate the neighbor kid but now you don't really like your own kid and ALRIGHT ALREADY JUST HIT HIM IN THE KNEE- JUST TAKE A SLEDGEHAMMER TO THAT #*%$*#@*% KNEE FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!!!! Cost of relief- $15,000 (as long as it's you nicknaming one of your players 'Sledgehammer'. An actual sledgehammer to the knee will probably run you much more than $15,000)
- Sometimes it's not what you say, but how you say it. Take A.J. Hawk for example. In a game earlier this year, Hawk decided to fly the Middle Finger flag- and only got docked $10,000. Think about it man- if you just flip the bird when you're in the tunnel, instead of using that sweet, sultry baritone booming voice to thunder the old 'F.U.'- you'd most likely still have that $75,000 to spend on Twinkies. Worst case scenario, you're only out $10,000.

Of course, it'd probably be best if you just handled it like your peers do. After the game, charge across the field like a crazy-eyed Jack Nicholson, launch yourself into the air (as much as is possible after charging all the way across the field) and simply slam into the opponents coach- a la Jim Harbaugh/Schwartz. That might be the least appropriate course of action, though. After all, as a coach, you're expected to model acceptable behavior and model fine, upstanding citizenry. And to do something like that would cost you way more than the $75,...wait, what? They didn't get fined? Never mind. Break out the Sledgehammer.

Information regarding fines was used from several articles on NFL.com
PIC- Kirk- http://www.clevelandleader.com/files/Kirk%20Herbstreit.jpg
Christian- http://www.nypost.com/r/nypost/blogs/popwrap/200809/Images/200809_christian_siriano41.jpg

Everyone wants to keep CHRIST in Christmas...what about MAS?

2011-11-20T11:26:00.000-05:00

Well, November is over halfway done, and Thanksgiving is next week (this week if you're one of those crazies that starts their week on Sunday), which can only mean one thing- Christmas season started 3 weeks ago.

Normally I'm all gung-ho for Christmas. A couple years ago, I spontaneously decorated the house one early November weekend because we got an inch of snow. This year....well, this year I'm trying to remember that Turkey Day technically comes first chronologically and there's still a whole month to enjoy the Christmas festivities afterwards. Besides, snow (obviously) plays a huge role in my Christmaspiritometer, and Marquette has been going through a period of snow impotence lately. I mean, I woke up to our first snow day of the year to find this on the ground:

In serious need of some snow Viagra.

Most people don't care about that though, and so Christmas has begun. Viva la Christmas!

With the onset of the Christmas fever, it is inevitable that Facebook walls, Twitter, message boards, and church signs everywhere will begin the War on anti-christ-mas and those unholy spawns of Satan who want to ninja-sneak into our beds and slice the CHRIST right out of CHRISTmas- leaving behind a poor, tired, huddled -Mas. Indeed, it has already begun, and can only lead to a holly, jolly blood bath, some amped up rhetoric, and all of us waking up on December 26th just to realize no one really changed anyone's mind or made any headway in winning the war. Nope- we just took a month of peace and goodwill, dragged it out back, and shot it in the face. Ho ho ho indeed.

It doesn't have to be this way though. Because here's the thing about holidays- they are what you make them. You. Singular. Emphasis on YOU. You decide the meaning of the holiday. I literally cannot make this any more clear. Seriously, I can't. I bolded/underlined/italicized it. Then I changed the size and the font. Finally, I gave it some color (Christmas colors in fact). The only thing I could do at this point would be to provide a hyperlink, but if you can't understand it here, you sure as heck aren't going to understand it there, where they don't even go to the trouble of providing such witty banter and excellent service.

Think about the various Christmas traditions. Santa Claus. Christmas trees. The decorations. The giving of the gifts. Even the date (December 25th). All of them have some basis on Pagan traditions. But most of us don't care about that because all of those things mean something completely different to us now. Saturnaila is out of the picture. We aren't worshipping the trees by adorning them with precious idols.

And we are able to celebrate free from the stain of guilt on our pious consciences because we have made these customs our own. Each person, each family folds a desired practice into their celebration and lets the other things fall by the wayside.

This doesn't just go for Christmas, either. It's all holidays. In our family, Halloween is not some big Satan fest (we celebrate that on 'SomeBigSatanFest Day')- it's a day where we get to dress up like Batman and go get free candy. I'm sure I have spent at least a few Thanksgivings without giving thanks for anything besides that big old turkey we chomping at the bit for. On Easter we teach our kids about the time the Easter Bunny rose from the dead to check if there was six more weeks of winter and to give all the good little boys and girls of the world pastel candy.

Of course, we also have the freedom to ignore holidays should we so choose. Columbus Day pretty much comes and goes like any other non-Columbus Day in our house (except with disruption to the mail and banking sectors. Even in death, Chris Columbus is giving us the finger).

No holiday pay for you, SUCKAS!!!!

I believe the reason that things started to shift away from Christmas and towards Wintersmas is that some people couldn't understand/accept the idea of different beliefs being taught than what they believed and felt persecuted. Then they went on a crusade for their beliefs. So the powers-that-be, not really understanding how to accommodate minority belief systems without upsetting the majority, just decided that nobody gets to play Special Winter Holiday today (which is honestly how any good parent decides a dispute between their two children fighting over the same toy. That is what good parents do, right?). Many Christians, not understanding/accepting the idea of different beliefs than what they believed, started to feel persecuted and began to crusade for their beliefs.

Just saying.

Personally, I have no problem saying 'happy holidays' to someone. I'm acknowledging the fact that there are like, a bunch of holidays in the span of a month as well as acknowledging respect for another persons feelings and beliefs. Maybe they celebrate Christmas because of Jesus, maybe they even celebrate Christmas without Jesus (because, let's be honest- the idea of unlimited sweets, free stuff, and two weeks off of school are all pretty good non-religious reasons to celebrate Christmas), and maybe they don't celebrate Christmas period. In a country that was forged by a group of people fleeing religious persecution, I don't mind not persecuting someone's religion.

If you want to keep Christ in Christmas, then first try being Christ-like. Jesus didn't run around waving the sword of "Na-nana boo-boo" or smashing people over the head with the hammer of "Pwn'd n00bs". By and large, his earthly ministry was based on kindness, compassion, and humility. Of course, we take that example and become the religious equivalent of John McClane.

Shoot first, shoot later. THEN ask questions. Then shoot them too.

Myself, I wouldn't mind if schools allowed the incorporation of different festivities- and not just so I could keep my CHRISTmas. It'd be a way for my kids to learn about people outside their tiny bubble. I mean, come on- most children end up believing what their parents believe anyways so it's not like our kids are going to drift away into heresy. As long as we're actively involved in their lives, and they know we love them and want what is best for them, we have nothing to fear about them being exposed to things outside of our comfort zone. If we actually embraced differences (instead of treating them like they're a great big game of Hot Potato) then maybe our kids would grow up and realize that 'Hey. We can, you know...actually talk about our differences in a respectful fashion and maybe not just hate each other because of some invisible, ideological divide'. Crazy talk, I know.

Look, Jesus was the Son of God, right? The Son of freaking God. Not only that, but He was freaking God Himself. But He humbled Himself to come down to Earth to hang with us, teach us all really good lessons, and then die for our sins. I think if God was willing to do that...then maybe this Christmas we can all humble ourselves and spread some peace and goodwill instead of lobbing culture bombs at our demon neighbors.

PICS- Columubs- http://sepiamutiny.com/blog/2005/10/10/o_henry/
John McClane- http://media.screened.com/uploads/1/13855/580047-3.jpg

Assassins Creed: Revelations comes out today...which means I won't be getting it for a couple months

2011-11-15T13:13:00.000-05:00

This blog is one of those rare entities where the title of my blog pretty much says what I want the whole blog to say. And if you want to leave right now, I wouldn't blame you. You've probably spent minutes, if not hours, reading my posts before only to arrive at the end with your neck involuntarily spasming and contracting your face into your desk. So leave now if you must. I won't hold it against you. You'll just miss out on the chance to win free money.

Now that I have you hooked, I'm going to tell you that there actually is no chance at winning free money. But hahaha- you're hooked! You can't just leave now! You'd look/feel foolish. So even though you'll keep reading until the end with slightly blushing cheeks and an increasingly complex plan for vengeance, by the time you reach the end of this I'll most likely be washing my hair in another country. Also, you'll notice that I've managed to stretch a blog that admittedly was summarized in the title into two whole paragraphs.

(I just wanted a chance to show a picture of pre-meltingly hot Patrick McDreamy Pants)

But let's get down to some business. Because I do actually have something I would consider to be relevant commentary on the thesis I proposed in my title.

Yes, the new Assassins Creed game (Revelations) comes out today and I want it- bad. In fact, on my Wishpot wish list, I gave it the highest desire ranking I could- I neeeed it! I've played through the first three games (although Assassins Creed: Revelations is not Assassins Creed IV...it's more like II.III), and could conceivably never own another (non-Assassins Creed) game for the rest of my life. They're amazing.

The Assassins Creed games are basically every dudes fantasy set a few hundred years in the past. Your whole job is to climb up buildings, kick butt, mess with the local police force, and sometimes kill bad guys. You have an almost unlimited means of income. You can rent women. At any given time, you'll have a pistol, two hidden daggers, a sword, a knife, some vials of poison, and several throwing blades on your person. You are always in peak physical fitness and you can traipse around the city wearing robes and armor. In other words, this is exactly the kind of stuff we used to play when we were kids, except our weapons were sticks and women were still the enemy (cooties are much like a weaponized Krippen virus back then). I don't need to buy any more video games ever...that is, until they make a new Assassins Creed game.

I'm mostly joking when I say this, but that's pretty much what capitalism is built on- the production and consumption of things that we don't really need. And the people that make these things (and the people that market them) are very, VERY good at their jobs. Sure, I don't need this game at all in a technical sense, and I definitely need things like toilet paper, gasoline, and a place to live much more than I need to roam around virtual Constantinople in the 1500s. I know these things in my head. I know the the games $59.99 price tag will go down considerably after a few months, and I'll be able to play the same game but for cheaper (while also having a home where I can wipe my bum with the toilet paper I drove to the store to buy).

But that didn't stop me from having to basically strap myself to a chair and take myself offline over the past week as my mind kept trying to figure out some way, any way, to get my hands on that game on the day it came out. "How much cushion do we have in the checking account? How much remaining balance is on that credit card? How much could I get if I sold this game or that book or those children? Hey, I could order from here and open a new account...". Even though I rationally understand that the ability to wait will give us added financial stability while saving money in the long run, my brain was still trying to convince me to just go ahead and get the game already. Thanks a lot, brain.

Please understand, I'm not looking for sympathy (maybe a little) or a handout (although I wouldn't give it back)- I'm just relaying the ridiculous struggle that I'm sure millions of Americans go through when their favorite book/movie/game/toy is released to stores. Somehow, whether from our parents or our friends or commercials or our own humanity (or a combination of the above), we get roped into the capitalist mindset and struggle to suppress immediate gratification for trivia even though the practical situational reality should work just fine to ensure that we focus our energies on the bottom parts of the hierarchy. You know, just things like FOOD. WATER. SHELTER.

Capitalism doesn't want to hear that noise though, so they created credit cards. And while things have changed in recent years to make things less unfair for credit card users (including not having college kids sitting around giving out free t-shirts for signing up for your first credit card), that doesn't change the reality for myself and millions of Americans.

I don't think this is a moral issue or something where it makes me (and people like me) somehow 'inferior' to others. The system was created to exploit us! I'm frustrated that the Occupy Wall Street dividing line seems to be between hippie socialists and stoic Great Depression survivors. Many on the stoic side say , "If I want something I just save for it. I don't live past my means". Which is, by all accounts, outstanding. I commend you. That doesn't give you the right to look down on the rest of us, but I commend you.

Unfortunately, that's not everybody. And it isn't that I want a bailout, or a do-over. I made mistakes- I know that, I own them, and have no problem paying back the money that I borrowed against my future to pay for the present. That's my role in all this. I may not have completely understood the ramifications, but I at least knew that I'd have to pay this money back.

The system is still screwed up though. It's designed around people like me. Without people like me, it falls apart. So they use crazy powerful science to manipulate our feelings, emotions, thinking and get us to desire things that we don't really need (or even want)...and then they give us the means to purchase those things even when we don't have the means. That's why I'm generally for the Occupy movement. The system is designed to keep the masses suppressed and immobilized while a select few hold onto the resources and power in our society.

But I'm getting slightly off topic. I honestly didn't mean to turn this into anti-capitalist propaganda. I actually was hoping primarily to talk about how I'm refocusing my other blog. You know, the Sojourn Boulevard one? What am I talking about- of course you remember. Pretend like I didn't even question.

I'm pretty much turning it into my own little on-line journal/diary/what have you about Ezio's escapades through late 15th-early 16th century Italy. There's three games (as well as some novels and a wiki), so I should have lots of info for plenty of shenanigans to keep me busy. I will miss the Darth Vader/Dr. Manhattan/Ezio roomie situation (and possibly one day will bring it back), but in the end I just don't have the chops to pull it off right now. Not that I have the chops to pull of most of what I write, but hey, what do you expect? Don't look for it anytime soon necessarily- I've actually taken it offline for the time being- because I'm trying to focus more on seriousy type stuff. But I just wanted to let you, the faithful reader, be in the know before the know gets known. Ya know?

So now- aren't you glad you finished reading this post? Please, don't answer that.

PIC- http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-tuttn2HpAfE/TknWPjV2hHI/AAAAAAAAAp0/afZCPwC-64U/s1600/Can-t-Buy-Me-Love-caps-patrick-dempsey-7134090-720-528.jpg

The Least Likely to Succeed: The review

2011-11-12T10:33:00.000-05:00

Last week, I privileged you with a copy of my first (and so far only) published work. If you haven't read it (and judging from the page view stats from Google, almost 7 billion of you haven't), then you need to stop doing whatever it is that you are doing that isn't reading my blog- and go read it. It will change your life- or at least give my page view a bump.

Now that you've read it, I can tell you that it's not my best work (it's about ten years old after all). Hey I couldn't have told you that before you read it- then you might not have read it. Sometimes a little trickery is involved in this business. I don't make the rules- I just play by them.

Understand that I still think it's pretty good. I proudly claim it as my own. It's just....rough around the edges. In fact, when I first went through to type it out, I got about two paragraphs in when I realized that some serious rewriting could be done. I danced around points, was overly wordy, and on more than one occasion did not successfully link points together. STOP NODDING YOUR HEADS, ALL OF YOU!!!!

I ended up deciding against it- on the condition that I could critique it. Not really critique it (that's an actual skill that I actually don't possess)- I guess I was thinking I'd provide, like, the directors commentary as a bonus feature. Like any good directors commentary, I will seek to be equal parts informative, funny, and not-boring.

Let's just start with a technical issue- my love of the comma has not cooled at all. It's as if I'm working on a comma commission, or a comma-ission. Come to think of it, that's not a bad idea. I could be rich!

And have a beard. And also, I'm punching a giant squid on my shoulder.

Seriously though, grammar has never been one of my strong suits, and this piece wears my incompetence proudly. Although I do feel that grammar is merely an artificial system set up by higher education to further illuminate the difference between the haves and the have-nots. So maybe I'm just like the grammar Robin Hood, sticking it to the establishment every time I misuse punctuation. That's how I sleep at night, anyways...
Second, I was so focused on discerning the mystery meaning of Tolkien's words that the idea that an audience will attach their own meanings onto the subject completely passed me by. Yes, Tolkien's beliefs would at the very least shade his writings in some way- but a reader would do the same thing with their own beliefs, meaning that my role was not so much herald of Tolkien's secret message- but more of hit-you-over-the-head harbinger of my own message.

In fact, that's probably my biggest frustration with this piece- I wrote it through the eyes of my younger, fundamentally religious self that looked to slap the Jesus label on anything and everything. There was no part of me that would have ever thought "Hey, maybe Tolkien just wrote this book because he had some really cool dreams"- everything was black and white to me, and I had to try and fit my own ideas and beliefs with the fact that Lord of the Rings existed.

That doesn't nullify my paper necessarily. Obviously I was writing out of the meaning that I attached to it. It's not wrong to have opinions, and my interpretation was pretty 'pro' actually (for the non-inundated, 'pro' is pretty much the best thing you can be called). Isn't that why we read movie reviews and book reviews and watch shows like 'The View' and 'Pardon the Interruption' (and no, I don't watch 'The View' anymore)? We enjoy to hear what other people thing about things. That way we can either strengthen our own beliefs and views or else feel righteous indignation that someone doesn't agree with us.

It's just that when I read this piece, it's like 23 year old Jason is in the room, talking to me, and I want to acknowledge him for everything that he meant to 32 year old Jason- while also telling him to chill out and just enjoy life. There doesn't have to be a spiritual meaning in everything. It's okay to just watch a good movie or read a good book. You don't have to write Bible verses on the cash drop envelopes at the Gas Station. If you see a license plate from Texas, don't read too much into it. Some things in life...just...are.

Back to technical disproficiency. As I am wont to do, I strayed a little off topic and spent a few too many words that were ultimately inconsequential to the main point, which was that Frodo was a parallel to Christ. I still like that premise- I think Frodo's quest parallels the Jesus QUEST of biblical lore. I just could have shaved a couple paragraphs by skipping over the Messianic qualifications of Aragorn and Gandalf (and saved that for my own little trilogy of essays) and just gone straight to Frodo...which was the point of the essay.

Of course, it doesn't matter what the point of the essay was if there was nobody to deliver it to, and that's probably the biggest glaring weakness- no real focused audience. Sometimes I feel like I'm writing to Christians, other times to non-Christians. Sometimes I'm explaining basic Lord of the Rings concepts like I'm writing a 'One Ring for Dummies' book, explaining the Ringwraiths and Rivendell. Then I basically turn around and quote the Silmarillion, quote Erestor, name-drop the Ainur and I even freaking called Mount Doom Orodruin.

At that point, I really don't think I understood the importance of knowing your audience. One could make the argument that I still don't, to which I say 'hold still while I go get a heavy iron pan'. My favorite authors to read are the ones who know their audience and cater to that audience. Bill Simmons. The guys at Cracked.com. Granted, they chose largely to write to simpletons like me- but still. I love it. It might just be that I feel like I'm a part of a bigger community when I read their stuff, so I view it more favorably- or it could be that they know who they are and who they're writing for, and that leads to more focus.

I'm also struck by a lack of research. Back then, I really didn't have any clue how big the world is, and how much information is out there. Of course, a lot of it is just airheads like me flying off the cuff. But at least I have the pretense of subjecting myself to a higher standard. Not back then though.

For instance,my comparison between Sauron and Satan was not necessarily based in empirical fact or comparison to other literary villains- or even an actual literary assessment of Satan himself- but my own understanding of what I had been told about Satan. The problem with that is that it can easily sound like I know what I'm talking about without actually knowing what I'm talking about. That's how misinformation can spread.

I'm better now about fact checking than I used to be, but sometimes things get past the goalie. A few weeks ago I forwarded around what I was told was the last-ever strip of Calvin and Hobbes comic strip. It's been out of circulation for about 15 years, so I knew it had ended, but I didn't explicitly remember the strip. The one forwarded to me was this terribly sad strip where Calvin has been put on some medication and is furiously working on some report. Hobbes wants to play, but Calvin wants to get the report done. The last shot is Calvin working while the stuffed Tiger Hobbes just sits there. It almost brought tears to my eyes- how sad, that Calvin's imagination and wonder were taken away by the system trying to control him!

Of course, then when I actually Googled the last strip, it was something much more hopeful and the above-mentioned strip was some sort of sick, bizarre fan submission or something (of course, maybe it's not. CURSE YOU INTERNET!!!). The point is that I'm trying to work towards a point where the things I write and say are either blatantly personal opinion or well researched stated facts. Least Likely To Succeed was blatantly personal opinion mixed with a lot of heresay facts. That might cut it some places- but that's not where I want to be, either as a writer or as a person.

The thing I missed the most though was my trademark humor (although some people might not miss it or worse yet- not think I'm funny at all. EEK). I do think this was probably intentional, partially because of the tone of the piece (serious) and largely due to the fact that I really hadn't discovered my own voice yet as a writer (other than the overuse of commas and utilizing superfluous words like they were going out of style).

Despite my missteps and whatnot, I do feel like it was a fairly well constructed essay, and I was setting up for the dramatic ending haymaker and.....well, I just sort of fizzled. "With the victory He purchased, we don't have to". Really? That's the dramatic ending? Geeze- the haymaker ended up more like a grazing slap across the shoulder.

All in all, I'm glad I went back into the vault and read this piece. It's always good to look back and see areas of growth as well as areas that still need tweeking. As cringing as it was at times, it was still a tremendous experience to have something I crafted see publication- no matter how small of an audience got to see it. I had a lot of fun working on the piece, and I am proud to have contributed to keeping the Lord of the Rings alive- a timeless tale of fantasy, good-versus evil, friendship...and whatever else you decide it is.
PIC- http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-_Tf3fiv4plU/TmhCOb2TjfI/AAAAAAAABD4/F8skCD9BVrM/s1600/nice+ad%252C+old+spice+sea+captain.png

Penn State and video games

2011-11-11T13:57:00.001-05:00

This is going to sound extremely trivial, so you're going to have to bear (bare? Gosh, I can never get this right!) with me for a bit- NCAA Football 11 for the PS3 drove home the magnitude of the Penn State sexual abuse/cover up scandal.

I don't mean this to belittle the severity of what happened or the pain of those whose lives have forever been shattered. I just merely wish to point out that in the complexity of the human brain, we can still find surprises in the every day, mundane things. In this instance, I spent several hours this past week reading articles about Jerry Sandusky and Penn State University and it took EA Sports and a year-old PS3 title for me to really process this historically awful event.

Let me break it down.

Earlier this afternoon I was playing NCAA Football 11 while I try to get Shane to JUST FREAKING FALL ASLEEP ALREADY OH MY GOSH!!!! Seriously he was not feeling well so I was doing whatever I could to get him to get bored and fall asleep. Like a good dad should, right? Anyways, what could be more boring than watching your dad relive his imaginary glory years than by quarterbacking a pretend school on a 27 inch television?

And ordinarily, you'd be right.

So I turned it on, started playing innocen...OH COME ON REF- THAT HOLD HAD NO RELEVANCE TO THE PLAY- GAH ALL THE COMPUTER DOES IS FRICKING CHEAT!!!!! And that's when I started to realize what this whole Penn State fiasco means for football.

I don't mean that statement in a manner that belittles the sufferings of sexual abuse victims. I spent about four years at a non-profit agency working with kids who had been abused and neglected. So I have a slight idea, a limited understanding of what sexual abuse means to those kids. It's probably the ugliest thing that can happen in our society nowadays. So in the grand scheme, it really doesn't matter what it means to football.

But looking at college football as a separate entity...OH MY GOODNESS- how does this happen? I know that sports are not immune to this sort of vile crime, and that I'm prone to thinking through my idiot lens. But college football people don't do this. College football people take steroids, and pay athletes under the table, and practice more than they're supposed to, and sell their swag for tattoos, and help their athletes stay eligible by cheating in the classroom. College football people don't sexually abuse children. They don't ruin innocence. Yes, yes, I'm generalizing and type casting- but that's the college football image that has been cultivated in my mind over years and years of exposure. Sure, we break the rules...but nobody really gets hurt. They can't say that anymore.

The fact that it's Penn State just adds to the layer of shock. Maybe it's just all the articles I've read in the past couple of days from Penn State alums talking about how great Penn State is/was...but this is probably the last institution I ever would have thought I'd hear that this sort of thing had happened at. Maybe it's the boring uniforms or the lack of offseason shenanigans or the Coke-bottle glasses-wearing coach- the truth is I just never really thought about Penn State at all, which in our culture of Falling-Star worship is pretty much the highest praise I can give to an institution. They excelled on the football field, but they kept their profile out of the tabloids. You can't say that anymore.
And it took an afternoon playing a football video game for me to really get ahold of the concept that the Penn State scandal is not just about the loss of innocence for those 8 victims- it's about the loss of innocence for an entire sport. Sexual abuse is no longer just something that that faceless villains to do innocent kids in nameless towns all over the world. It's something that can happen anywhere. Anywhere. Even in college football, a place that I always thought was safe from that sort of thing.

Of course, having worked with a subset of the population that it has happened to, I knew this. It's probably my biggest fear as a parent is that somewhere in the system, someone that we trust our children's lives with will brutally and shamefully violate that trust and leave our children with the most horrible and painful scars imaginable. But I suppress it, largely because if you have that level of distrust of every person working in the system all the time- you turn into a paranoid schizophrenic.

Still though...the lesson now is that as a parent, there is a need for some hypervigilance. Those we used to write blank trust checks for are now the ones that we will take the closest look at. By all accounts, Jerry Sandusky was a saint. Now it appears he was merely a wolf dressed as a sheep. And his alleged actions (and the actions of those like him) have made wearing wool the latest fashion faux pas.

Today, I officially laid to rest college football's aura of innocence. I don't grieve for the sport- rather, I grieve for those who have been hurt because of my (and those like me) obsession with it. The culture of invincibility that we have worshipped at for countless Saturdays has been exposed as just another big business venture willing to do whatever to whoever in the name of self-interest. That said, I will try to keep perspective in the weeks and months ahead and not just assume the worst of every coach, coordinator, and player I see.

I just won't think they're Mr. Rogers, either.

PIC- http://www.nickjr.com/flex_article/assets/wallpaper/dora-school-wallpaper/dora-school-wallpaper-standard.jpg

The -ology of passing the buck

2011-11-09T21:51:00.005-05:00

By the time you read this, a news story that surfaced this weekend has exploded into a major scandal that has already claimed the job of the winningest D-1 football coach ever, put a university president on notice and left a couple more high ranking officials reading the writing on the wall. Not to mention the lives of at least 8 young men forever scarred. I'm talking about the happenings at Penn State University.

There isn't much I can add to the discussion of the Penn State sexual abuse scandal that hasn't already been said. And believe me, I looked. I did extensive research on this issue- literally reading more than three articles for over twenty minutes and accumulating at least two pages of notes.

But I'm still going to blog about it anyways. Don't worry- I'm not going to be playing the part of Internet Avenger or Moral Crusader. What I am going to say is that in light of what we know about human psychology and organizational theory, this type of cover-up response is not necessarily indicative of any moral failure- at least, not as we understand morality in our day-to-day lives.

Before I begin, I'm going to tell you what I'll not be saying. I'm not saying it's okay to sexually abuse children. I'm not saying it's okay for people in power positions to abuse their position. I'm not saying that people (Paterno and Spanier specifically) shouldn't lose their jobs. I'm not saying Penn State and Second Mile are blameless in this. I'm not saying that organizations should expect to employ child predators or that it's okay to cover up the transgressions of others. That should cover the list of things that I'm not saying.

Now, to what I am saying. And what I am saying is that the behaviors of Joe Paterno, Tim Curley, Gary Schultz, and Graham Spanier (among others) are understandable within the context of organizational theory and our understanding of psychology.

Look, I'm 99% sure we can all agree that there is no place for the abuse of power that happened in this situation, and that people need to be held accountable. And obviously sexual abuse is a moral issue and its perpetrators have what I would consider a moral failing. But I do not agree with those that say Paterno and Spanier (by omission) committed gross moral failure. In fact, statistically speaking, they probably did what a majority of us would have done were we in their same shoes.

Chilling? Maybe. Unbelievable? Most definitely. But that's why you read this blog, right? To be consistently and routinely amazed. Anyways, enough about me. Let's talk about you- what do you think of me?

I'm building my hypothesis with bricks of psychology and macro-sociology.

To start with, check out these human behavior experiments. Ordinarily, Cracked probably wouldn't be the first source of authority I'd send you to to back up my points (Wikipedia would be the first), but these are all legitimate scientific studies that each tell a frightening tale about the depths of common humanity.

The whole article is relevant in that it talks about ways we change our behavior from norms depending on social settings/power/etc. Pay particular attention to #3 (Bystander apathy) and #2 (Stanford prison). Have you read it yet? No. Okay. Go read it, and then come back. And no, I'm not stalling.

My point is this- our ideological morality is not necessarily our pragmatic morality. Most of us have some sort of moral code that we adhere to. It helps us navigate a very grey world by making certain areas black and white. That means we have to spend less time thinking and pondering those situations- we can just process them through our moral filter, make a quick judgment, and move onto the next ~~episode of American Idol~~ pressing ethical dilemma.

The thing is that, as these studies have shown, our moral compasses are not always set to 'stun'. Our behavior is shaped by a multitude of forces other than what we believe to be right and wrong. Sometimes people will do things they would otherwise deem inappropriate because of social setting. Sometimes people will do those things because they are given power. Sometimes people will do things because of peer pressure. But regardless, there are situations that arise that will impact our behavior and cause us to do things that we probably swore we would never ever do.

These statements will make more sense as I awkwardly transition to my second topic, which is organizational theory. But first, another disclaimer!

Again, I am not saying that people shouldn't be held accountable for what happened. I agree with State police commissioner Frank Noonan when he says "somebody has to question about what I would consider the moral requirements for a human being that knows of sexual things that are taking place with a child...I think you have the moral responsibility, anyone...to call us". I just want everybody playing the moral superiority card to tone it down a few notches- because each of us has a unique set of circumstances that could put us in morally compromising situations that we probably would handle pretty damn poorly according to the popular consensus.

Moving on.

Organizations are, anthropomorphically speaking, survivors that form a symbiotic relationship with human beings. They give us power, money, prestige- we give them the ability to survive. Fair trade right? Except for the part about human beings giving them life. That's just asking for a techno-organic cluster-frack.

This is an example of a non-profit techno-organic cluster frack

Looking at the Penn State situation specifically, some are chalking it up to big bucks football power-type stuff, where love of the green (grass) and love of the green (money) come together to sacrifice kittens in crudely drawn, bloody pentagrams in endzones across the country. I would posit that it's much more than that. This isn't just about money and football- it's a reality of any organization. It's a systemic issue. It's inherently built into the system.

There's a reason that certain people are mandated reporters. I'll give you a hint- it isn't because these people are screw-ups or likely to have indecent moral standards. I'm guessing it's because sticky ethical situations probably arose and the government wanted to have some form of legal recourse (note: I'm sure I could do some research to find out the origin of mandated reporter laws- but you've been flat-out blessed by all the research I've done so far. Don't push it).

In the ESPN article I linked to above (good read, BTW), Bryant says the "special power of an institution lies in it's moral authority". I disagree. I say that institutions (to be fair, he may be talking strictly collegiate institution whereas I am applying it in a broader sense) have power because that power has been given to (or more accurately, not taken away from) them by those we charge with our governance. We tacitly give our stamp of approval by our willing submission to those organizations on a daily basis. Many of them are necessary to run our society- at least, the society that we choose to live in. I mean, when you have cities with hundreds of thousands of people, you pretty much have to turn things over to the Man in order for things to even run with a modicum of precision.

Of course, that precision comes with a price, and unfortunately there are times when the cost is our humanity. Our systems are largely built on chain-of-command communication which can lend itself quite skillfully to breaking down while also providing a wonderful layer of protection. Just make sure to pass on information to your superior (or whoever you are supposed to tell), and you can pretty much cross it off your to-do list- once you've made the proper documentation that is. This sort of thing probably happens way more than you'd think- it's just not usually with serious things like sexual abuse.

Communications breakdowns aside (and there were a crap ton of them with this Penn State debacle), I think there are a couple of reasons why something like this could happen without someone being like 'hey, um, this is pretty...wrong'. Note: I'm not saying that these are legitimate reasons that give a free pass for covering for illegal, immoral activities. I'm just saying that in the context of an organization's desire for survival, these are probably reasons why 'cover-ups' would happen.

1) Protect the organization. There can be a lot of chaos when something like this hits the tabloids. Disruption in the work place and at home. Loss of jobs. Tarnished reputation- both for an individual and the agency/organization they are associated with. It's pretty easy on the outside to say that those things are not more important than people- and in a vacuum, you'd be 100% right. But when it comes down to protecting a living, breathing, known quantity (self, friends, family) or protecting a nameless, possibly faceless statistic...that 100% can come down considerably.

Like a living organism, an organization is going to fight to survive- and it fights for survival through the people it feeds. It will not be consumed. It disguises its intentions behind peoples lives, their jobs, and their financial security. It takes what we have in common and disregards it in favor of what makes us different (namely that you're here and they're not).

2) Protect friends. It's easier to want to cover up and hide people you know and are probably friends with than unknown- which doesn't make it right, but that doesn't make it an ethical slam dunk either. Paterno knew Sandusky for over 40 years. Sandusky played football while Paterno was an assistant coach at Penn State, and became the defensive coordinator the year after JoePa started as head coach. So they worked together for over 30 years. Sandusky started his Second Mile foundation (a non-profit which helped at-risk youth) in 1977. So they knew each other for over 40 years, worked together for over 30, and Sandusky ran a non-profit organization for over 20 years when the 2002 incident happened.

So when a graduate assistant came to his house and told him he had seen Sandusky behaving inappropriately in the shower with a young boy- I'm just assuming that it didn't register as something that was really happening. Obviously he told his superior, which fulfilled his legal requirement. We know the incident was never followed up on. But I imagine there was probably quite a struggle of being confronted with that terrible accusation- a person, a friend that you've known for over 40 years does the absolute most disgusting, horrible, inhumane thing you can imagine.

There's also probably a degree of self-indictment. If you allow yourself to really think on the horrible things that your friend has done while still outwardly appearing like everything is going on like business as usual...it seems like there would be a tremendous overwhelming sensation of 'what else have I been wrong about?'. You probably refuse to believe that you could be deluded, because you have such a strong, alert moral filter. Maybe you live in denial of the event. Maybe you minimize it. Maybe you think 'well, I told my boss, so if this is the real deal, then something will happen and then I will deal with this'.

Of course outside people are quickly accusing the Penn State big wigs of simply passing the buck. They say they absconded from their moral and ethical responsibilities. To which I would say, well of course they did- they live and work in a system that is set up for them to do such a thing.

One of the board members said on Tuesday that they want to put "systems, procedures...in place so this can never happen again". You mean like the ones you have now? I mean, the chances are that there was already some sort of system in place- the one where you just keep telling your boss to tell his boss and assume that someone has to tell the relevant authorities.

I don't imagine anything like this will happen at Penn State again for awhile (if ever) simply because the University's reputation has become stained by this event. But for him to think that there is some sort of magical system that can be installed in such a large institution to keep this horrible tragedy from happening again- it's just not realistic. There are always precautions and measures to be taken. Precautions and measures that are sometimes conflicted by human psychology and organizational structure.

In the end, Goliath did not throw the stone at his own head. What brought Sandusky's horrible actions to a stop was not the system. It wasn't a chain of command. It was a mother, who persisted until there was action. Let this be a warning to all of us- that we need to be active participants in our lives and the lives of those around us. We can't rely on our systems and we can't necessarily rely on others. Don't wait for the cavalry...because chances are, they've been held up by loads and loads of red tape.

As the people involved in this Penn State tragedy move forward and the world tries to learn from this, I hope that you can see that our moral actions do not take place in a textbook or a video game. Life is not as black and white or linear as we try to make it out to be. Yes, we humans have our standards to always live up to our conscience whatever system our morals are based on. Accountability and consequences are an important part of a healthy society in my opinion. But that said, there are forces outside of us, outside of our understanding that can cause us to do things that we might not normally do outside of that context. Therefore we shouldn't be so quick to judge. Who knows- one day we could be the ones answering to the torches and pitchforks.

Information from ESPN was used in this blog.
PIC: http://www.tony5m17h.net/MatrixNet.gif

Again with the anecdotes!

2011-11-08T14:55:00.002-05:00

I saw this picture making the rounds on Facebook today, and I have to say that I'm not impressed. Not that I'm going to tell anyone that Occupy Wallstreet is 100% right and you should have to believe in it in order to be American- that'd be UnAmer'cun. And I certainly don't want to come across as being disrespectful to a soldier- I can only imagine how much hard work and sacrifice that dude had to make to even be a soldier, let alone the job related hazards he has to put up with.

But this picture is just a snapshot of everything that's wrong with the United States of America today. Let me 'splain.

To me, this picture symbolizes how divided we are as a society. Blame it on politics, religion, talk radio, or whatever, but it's painfully apparent that we are no longer 'one nation', under God or otherwise. It's no wonder that with such an atmosphere of mistrust and division, we can't even decide on something simple like an economic protest.

Playing a significant role is the underlying values that our country was founded on. Values are not just good deals at Wal-Mart- they define the very rules and laws (written and unspoken) our society functions by. In America, two of the most important values are ~~sticking our noses in other peoples business~~ helping those who are less fortunate and working hard. Sometimes they work together to make us better people and sometimes they are in conflict. Unfortunately, the Occupy Wall Street movement has brought their clash to the forefront- and we are all witnesses of one great-big-giant value-cat fight.

Right now, it looks like Hard Work has Helping the Less Fortunate in a very painful noogie-deathlock.

Never mind that there is room for both philosophies- Occupy Wall Street (OWS) has made the two seem as different as Democrat and Republican. Which, oddly enough, seems to be the dividing line for this whole mess. I realize that's a generalization- but think about the last time you heard one of your conservative friends talking about what a good thing OWS is- or the last time a liberal chum decried the lazy poor looking to get an unearned distribution of hard-earned tax payer dollar bills. It doesn't happen- because we're just stupid sheep, droning along to whatever Pied-Piper tune our news source of choice tells us to drone to.

When I see the picture above (no, not the wrestling chicks- keep going up), it reminds me that the ties that bind are not nearly as strong as the ties that divide. That picture says to me that anyone who is complaining is a lazy, good-for-nothing because there are jobs all around us- even if all you have to do is become a soldier. It says that the 99% movement is just made up of lazy, freeloading, couch-surfing, feeding-hand-biters. Well maybe not all of the 99%....but at least, 98% ...of the, um...99%...or is it 99% of the ...99%??? Gah I'm so confused!

Of course, ideological stances aside (because there are legitimate reasons for not wanting to join the military), it's asinine to say that 'Well, because my job is that I'm a soldier that means that no one else has a right to complain/accept government handouts because they should just all be soldiers if they can't find a job'. That's not an option for everybody. Some people literally cannot enlist in the Armed Forces for various reasons- and some of them aren't even moral failings!

This picture is just another reminder that many Americans still operate under the auspices of the 'Pull yourself up by your bootstraps' philosophy that blatantly ignores a couple centuries of every 'ism' you can imagine. Problem- not everyone has bootstraps. And even those of us with bootstraps might not be able to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps. But still, many operate under the idea that 'if I can do it, so can everybody else'. That attitude is to empathy like Kim Kardashian is to 'Death do us part'.

The fact is that just because the Declaration of Independence says that all men are created equal doesn't mean that it is so. And not all poor people are lazy bums sitting around trying to milk the system. There are plenty of hard working people making sacrifices that do receive some form of government assistance (terrible, I know) because of the economic reality we live in. And they still don't have enough to make ends meet.

That's why this picture pisses me off. It's just another example of someone with a subjective opinion and a successful anecdote getting on the Internet and turning what could be a thoughtful discussion about how to better improve the lives of our poor people into a big-hornets-nest-poking-stick monologue about the evils of socialism. Too bad that you don't have to walk a mile in someone elses shoes before you can criticize them for shopping at Goodwill.

PICS- Soldier- Find it on Facebook
Catfight- http://dallaspenn.com/pics/albums/backup3/catfight.jpg

The Least Likely to Succeed: The actual

2011-11-04T06:28:00.000-04:00

A couple of weeks ago (closer to a month, but still countable in weeks), I promised to deliver you a rendering of that one time when someone actually set my words to type and sent them around the globe. Today, I come to honor that promise. The long awaited world-wide Internet presentation of: The Least Likely to Succeed!

Despite the constant cringing and incessant temptations to change things (minimally at times, often drastically), I have decided to present the essay in its pure, undistilled form. And....here it is.

Non can foretell what will come to pass, if we take this road or that. But it seems to me not clear which road that we must take. The westward road seems easiest. Therefore it must be shunned....Now at this last we must take a hard road, a road unforseen. There lies our hope, if hope it be. To walk into peril- to Mordor. We must send the ring to the fire- Elrond

In the midst of the excitement of seeing The Lord of the Rings masterfully translated onto the big screen (although in truth I was more versed in The Hobbit as a child), it is important to remember that Tolkien's work is not just entertainment but an extension of who he was. Try as we might, we cannot fully separate entertainment from reality because entertainment is really just an outlet of creative expression of who we are. Whether it is music, or acting, or writing, as an artist it is impossible to completely sunder who we are from what we want to portray.

The Lord of the Rings is no exception. I don't claim to know what J.R.R. Tolkien intended in his writing, nor do I know what he was thinking. What I do know is that Tolkien was a Christian man who could not separate his Christianity from his writings. The Lord of the Rings is an unbelievably well designed tale, with depth that very few stories have ever attempted and stirring of the imagination that few stories ever achieve. Reading The Lord of the Rings is like taking a trip to another world, a world with it's own extensive history and stories of it's own. When reading, the reader feels not only that Middle-earth actually exists, but that they are actually there.

However, the Lord of the Rings text contains more than a story; it is filled with Christian parallels. Indeed, reading the Trilogy has helped me in my Christian walk, in that I've been able to see some things in a different light. Things such as understanding God as the King, creation (from The Silmarillion), and the corruption of sin. These are things I knew about, but by applying Christian principles to Tolkien's work, I have gained an even greater understanding and appreciation for them.

The One Ring serves to show us the power and enticement of sin. Sauron is very much a form of Satan, pure evil and hatred personified, as opposed to the typical watered down Dr. Evil type of villain ("I'm holding the world ransom for one million dollars!"). Sauron, like Satan, does not merely desire to rule the world; he desires to completely annihilate all that is good.

But ultimately, every element of the story serves to compliment one central theme: final victory over evil. In The Lord of the Rings, this theme is embodied in Frodo's quest to destroy the One Ring. In Christianity, it is the death and resurrection of Christ to defeat Sin and Satan.

There are three Christ-types in the story (according to my count; there may be more): Aragorn, the victorious King, the healer, the social outcast whose return marks the end of the age and ushers in a period of peace; Gandalf, the wise wizard, the Istari sent by the Ainur to guide the protect men, who gave his live to save his companions from the evil demon Balrog; and Frodo.

Aragorn is the image of Christ's return. We first meet up with Aragorn in the Bree, under the guise of a Ranger named Strider. Strider is suspicious at best and has the appearance of someone who is up to no good. As the saga unfolds, however, more of Aragorn's kingly nature shines through, climaxing at his daring adventure through the Paths of the Dead. Much of Aragorn's life is fulfillment of prophecy. In addition to his jaunt through the Paths of the Dead, Aragorn turns out to have 'healing hands', which only the King returning is said to have. His reign on the throne ushers in the beginning of the fourth age, a peaceful age.

Gandalf could be said to be the one who illustrates Christ's death. Just as Jesus was sent to help people find God (both through His life and His death), Gandalf was sent by the Ainur (who were sent by Ilu'vatar to be gods of Middle Earth) to help all beings of a good heart. More than a man, but less than the Ainur, Gandalf has some power allotted to him, but only within the confines of Middle-Earth. When the fellowship is trapped in the Mines of Moria by a Balrog, Gandalf lays his life aside to battle it, and falls "into shadow". Gandalf defeats the demon and emerges from the confrontation, changed, more powerful and wise. Gandalf the Grey has become Gandalf the White, much like the Lamb who was slain is now the King of Kings and Lord of Lords.

There are two follies to avoid. To use this [Ring] is perilous. At this hour, to send it into the hands of a witless halfling into the land of the enemy himself, as you have done...that's madness- Denethor

Frodo is the most unlikely Christ-type of all. Aragorn had the credentials of being a descendant of the Dunedain, the greatest of all the race of men. Gandalf was a wizard, given great power with which to battle against the forces of Sauron. But Frodo? He was a hobbit, which was mockingly called halfling by other people. Most of the tales of of lore in Middle-earth don't even allow for the existence of the little people, especially the tales involving heroic deeds and valor.

As the story begins, Frodo seems to be caught in the wrong place at the wrong time. His adopted father (and cousin also) Bilbo, who found the Ring while on an adventure with dwarves, had reached the ripe old age of eleventy-one, or one hundred and eleven years old if you prefer. Reaching a point in life where he was starting to "feel like butter spread across too much bread," Bilbo set out to Rivendell and left the Ring in the keeping of Frodo. This occurrence just happened to coincide with the reemergence of Sauron in Mordor. Sauron had discovered that the One Ring was in circulation and began to draw evil to Mordor in anticipation of his retainment of the Ring and subsequent destruction of Middle-earth.

One of my favorite scenes from the movie occurs shortly after Frodo discovers the nature of the Ring. Gandalf is leaving to counsel with Saruman while Frodo and Sam are setting out to Bree. Gandalf tells Frodo that the Ring "wants to be found" by the Dark Lord. It became clear at that moment that Frodo wanted no part of this quest.

Thus we return once more to the destroying of the Ring, and yet we come no nearer. What strength have we for the finding of the Fire in which it was made? This is the path of despair. Of folly, I would say...-Erestor
I said victory could not be achieved by arms. I still hope for victory, but not by arms- Gandalf

After a close call with the Ringwraiths (former kings of men who succumbed to the power of the Ring to become Sauron's slaves), Frodo arrived at Rivendell, the house of Elrond. There several leaders met, representing the Dwarves, Elves, and Men, to figure out exactly what course of action to take in regards to the Ring. At the council, every conceivable plan seemed doomed to failure against the powers of darkness. A battle of arms would be futile, for Sauron's forces far outnumbered those of Gondor and its allies.

The Ring could not be hidden, as Rivendell had insufficient power to resist Mordor, and the other strongholds were even less resistant. Even throwing the Ring into the Sea, which would at least buy valuable time, would only delay the inevitable. The Ring could only be destroyed in the fires of Orodruin, Mount Doom. Even that course of action seemed folly, because Mount Doom was located in the very heart of Mordor, the stronghold of Sauron. In truth, no course of action seemed any better than the other because all seemed destined to fail, to the complete ruin of Middle-earth. With that in mind, the wise were forced to make a decision to choose the best path in the interests of all the free peoples. They chose to destroy the Ring in Mordor.

Why do you speak ever of hiding and destroying? Why should we not think that the great Ring has come into our hands to serve us in the very hour of need- Boromir

What was he thinking? The council had to be filled with doubts and 'what-ifs' when the decision was made. Even those who had the most faith in the mission couldn't feel too secure in the thought of taking Sauron's Ring, which wanted to join with him, into his acropolis unprotected. It would have been impossible to take a sizable force into Mordor undetected. Neither Gandalf nor Elrond, the wisest and most powerful of the council, could bear the Ring for fear of the potential danger they would wield. After listening to Boromir, nobody was ready to completely trust Gondor with it. After a period of thoughtful consideration, Frodo felt the call to bear the Ring into Mordor.

Despair or folly? It is not despair, for despair is only for those who see the end beyond all doubt. We do not. It is wisdom to recognize necessity, when all other courses have not been weight, though as folly it may appear to those who cling to false hope. Well, let folly be our cloak, a veil before the eyes of the enemy! For he is very wise, and weights all things to a nicety in the scales of his malice. But the only measure he knows is desire, desire for power, and so he judges all hearts. Into his thought will not enter that any will refuse it, that having the Ring we may seek to destroy it. If we seek this, we shall put him out of reckoning- Gandalf

To make the long trilogy of books short, the Ring is destroyed in the end, in spite of what seemed to be overwhelming odds. The plan which seemed to defy all wisdom, in the end, provided a victory that was not only final but satisfying in the sense that the victory was accomplished beyond all reasoning, via means that Sauron didn't even account for.

Jesus also went on a Ring-quest. In fact, Frodo's quest is remarkably similar to Christ's life.

The fact that Jesus chose to lay aside His Godhood to become a man like us is against logic, kind of like trusting the fate of Middle-earth in the hands of a halfling. Jesus, as Creator of the world, probably could have chosen from any of a million different ways to reconcile men to Himself, and could have saved Himself a lot of pain and sorrow. Instead, He chose to show us how much He loved us. With that in mind, there was only one course of action to take, no matter how foolish it seems to us. The God of love had to bring about reconciliation through the greatest act of love He could have shown: to lay down His life.

In our wisdom, God's decision to take the form of man and live among us is hard to comprehend. But it's what Jesus chose to do with His life that really confounds most people (Isaiah 55:8- For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord).

Instead of flaunting His Godhood and setting up the Kingdom of Heaven on Earth, Jesus became the servant extraordinaire. He showed remarkable self-sacrifice, frequently laying down His rights and desires for the good of others. Jesus even humbled Himself to the point of washing His disciples feet!

Jesus also said things that clashed with traditional thinking. Jesus said that the poor in spirit were blessed, as were those who were persecuted. He said that in order to gain life it had to be lost. In the mind of Christ, it was better to lose everything to gain eternal life than to gain the whole world and lose our soul. In the Kingdom of God, the last shall be first. These are some examples of radical words from Jesus, who spent His life on Earth going against everything that man said was wisdom and truth.

1 Corinthians 3:19- For the wisdom of the world is foolishness in God's sight. As it is written: 'He catches the wise in their craftiness' and again, 'The Lord knows that the thoughts of the wise are futile'.

However, none of the things He did while He lived on Earth flew in the face of human reason the way His death did. Indeed, His very mission in life was to die. His disciples were confused because they thought Jesus wasn't advancing His "political agenda" enough. The people were confused because they saw the Man who saved others and chose not to save Himself. The Pharisees were confused because the man who openly challenged their self-righteous, dead religion go quietly to death without so much as a word of defense. Even to the end, Jesus chose to go against the norm, choosing humility, self-sacrifice, and obedience over power, self-preservation, and rebellion.

And that is why the quest to destroy the Ring is the central theme, not only in The Lord of the Rings, but in our lives. It is as if the King, the Istari, became the halfling and chose to bear each of our rings into Mordor, so that we don't have to. The life of Christ may not make sense to us. But one thing is for sure: with the victory He as purchased, it doesn't have to.

1 Corinthians 1: 18-23, 25- For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God. For it is written: 'I will destroy the wisdom of the wise; the intelligence of the intelligent I will frustrate'. Where is the wise man? Where is the scholar? Where is the philosopher of this age? Has God not made foolish the wisdom of the world? For since in the wisdom of God the world through its wisdom did not know him, God was pleased that through the foolishness of what was preached to save those who believe. For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength.

Well, there you have it. If you made it all the way through until the end, congratulations. You have must have Wolverine-like healing and regeneration skills- at least in the eye and brain area. Even though I was able to resist the urge to basically revamp it completely, that doesn't mean that I'm not going to be discussing my thoughts on it. But that will come another day. Hopefully another day next week.

Herman's Bane

2011-11-03T03:47:00.000-04:00

If you've been paying attention to my blog the past couple months, you're no stranger to my feelings about GOP Presidential candidate Herman Cain. (Inaudible whispering). Wait, what's that? I haven't said anything at all about Cain? Hmmm....(goes back and extensively checks). Oh. I guess I haven't. There was just this one time I posted a link to a USA today article on Facebook and made some passing comment about not liking Cain. Well then- it's too late turn back now.

Herman Cain has captured my attention, and not in the good way. Even though I haven't been paying too much attention to what's going on in the GOP (there's no point in really- as a social worker I am bound by the Code of Ethics to vote Democrat), I've gleaned all sorts of information about Herman Cain from CNN articles, random sound bites,and commentary provided by Stephen Colbert.

Yes this is the sort of thing I've railed against in the past. Too bad for you I already knew I was a hypocrite, Mr. Jump-to-Conclusions Mat!

Incomplete research/incorrect facts+opinion-stated-as-fact=hypocrite. Well played, Mr. Jump-to-Conclusions Mat

Still you have to admit that the soundbites haven't been friendly to Mr. Cain. He comes across as full of himself, with an unhealthy childish arrogance laced with an overbearing disdain for convention in a non-charming-but-trying-to-be-charming sort of way.

From what I know of Cain (and again I'm no Herman Cain wikipedia entry), he has already written a book about his journey to the White House, sold out his race, promised an electric border fence, claimed he was joking about the electric border fence, then said he was kidding about joking about the electric border fence,and insulted an entire nation of Uzbeks. That was all in like two months.

Note: I'm sorry about all of the links that took you away from my blog. I realize that you probably came here to read my blog and not read stuff that other people wrote. But since I'm only marginally interested in blatant plagiarizing, I figured it'd be best if I let you know that not all of my great ideas are, in fact, original.

But earlier this week, Cain's past rose up from the grave like a waylaid kitty cat from hell and bit him square on his I-am-America ass.

For the uninundated, some skeletons came out of Herman Cain's 1990s closet singing a couple of tunes about sexual harassment. With a backstory practically choking on a mix of political intrigue and Clue, this turn of events could very well turn the GOP tide. I'm sure Cain knows this- he has already begun engaging in his verbal denial gymnastics.  Therefore I won't bother to keep feeding him rope with which to hang himself. No, I want to talk about something a little different:

I want to talk about me. Well, and you. You too.

See after reading about Cain's apparent indiscretions, I went through my checklist of predetermined cognitive biases. I compared it to my theory of Herman Cain that I had already postulated in my mind, found that it reinforced my notions, and filed it away as another case of Herman's Bane. And by 'filed it away', I mean 'attached a millstone to the neck of Herman Cain's chances for election and dropped it into Lake Superior'.

But then I started thinking about the whole idea of an event from 15+ years ago resurfacing in the present day. I started to think about mistakes committed in youth (or youngerness in Cain's case), and how much a person changes over the course of their lives. Biologically, Herman Cain isn't even made up of the same cells he was in the mid 90s.  Who is to say those allegations (even if they are true) are necessarily relevant to Cain right now? Maybe he did act poorly towards women in those circumstances but then changed when he realized the error of his ways (note: I'm intentionally not going to talk about any financial hardships due to the 'error of his ways'. Oh crap. I just did.).

Then I thought about 'what if I was a candidate- what sort of dirt would they unearth about me?'.  I decided that I didn't really like that line of thinking. I've spent the better part of a lifetime meticulously crafting my wholesome image, and some of the stuff I've done/thought/said could erase all of that hard work in the amount of time it takes you to say "Youshouldknowjasonparks.blogspot.com". Screw that, I say.

I reckon most of us like to think and hope that the dark deeds of evil will be brought to the light in this lifetime- as long as its the other guy. Thankfully, most of us don't go into careers where people are paid to delve into the sordid details of our pasts (no matter how 'past' they really are). Unfortunately, society makes it easy for us to be failure voyeurs, getting our self righteousness jollies by others shortcomings while we plant our own holy flags in the backs of those who lives the lives we wish we lived.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I really don't care at this point whether Herman Cain did or did not sexually harass anyone in the Pizza biz. Because I'm not convinced it has anything to do with how well he would run our government.

I'm not trying to say that sexual harassment is a minor issue, and I'm not trying to minimize Herman Cain's 2 (known) transgressions in this area. After all, I'm a white Anglo-Saxon Protestant male. I know all about discrimination (just from the other side).

The past counts, yes- but shouldn't our political discourse stick more to policy issues? It seems that nowadays, the only way to get people interested in politics is to sensationalize the candidates until our elected government officials are really just our latest reality TV contestants. I think back to 2008, and the whole 'Barack Obama is a secret Muslim/wasn't born in the USA/has ties to anti-patriot preacher'- and how none of those things really contributed anything to understanding Barack Obama's views on healthcare, the economy, or foreign policy. Which is, you know, what politics is kind of about.

As Americans, I think we owe it to ourselves, our neighbors, and the nation at large to seriously look into the political stances of our candidates and not their steamy off-camera failings. We're not voting someone off the island or trying to pick the next American Idol- we're trying to find the next Commander-in-Chief. And chances are that person will be a human being who has done some (relatively) horrible things- just like me. And you, I'd imagine. But then again, if we aren't willing to be governed by a morally-flawed human being with skeleton-laced closets- then maybe we should just give this whole 'anarchy' thing a go, eh?

PIC- http://www.thinkgeek.com/images/products/additional/large/office_space_kit_mat.jpg

Freecell football. Yeah, it's pretty much what you think it is.

2011-11-01T03:33:00.000-04:00

Here at youshouldknowjasonparks.blogspot.com*, we strive to bring you a smorgasbord of interesting content to make you think, (hopefully) laugh, and shake your head in amazement/disgust. My expressed goal is to bring it with each and every post. Sometimes that means I write about my thoughts about God. Sometimes that means I keep you up to date on my Fantasy Football team. Sometimes that means I deliver some ideas about humanity in the world we live in. But today, for the first time ever, I'm going to talk to you about my absolute favoritest card game that I play on the computer- Free Cell.

If you haven't played Free Cell then please stop reading this blog right now, go over to the program menu, click on the game menu, highlight Free Cell, and get ready to have your mind blown. Free Cell is like solitaire if solitaire was King Leonidas played by Patrick Dempsey if Patrick Dempsey was Patrick Swayze. Yeah, it's like that.

The thing I love most about it is that it requires a good amount of strategy and planning. In solitaire, you're at the complete mercy of the deck. All you know is the cards on the top- most of the deck is a complete mystery. And the stock too is completely blind- so to me it's much more of a game of chance than it is strategy (although there are elements of both, to be sure). So when I win a game of solitaire I feel good- but I also feel like I was more like a mouse in a box, led by a series of pre-designed pellet droppings to an already determined outcome.

With Free Cell, it's all on me. Everything is laid out there. Win or lose, it's most likely due to some sort of human error I made instead of some random placement of cards. In fact (and when I say 'fact', you should know I'm taking my facts from Wikipedia), there is only one unwinnable Free Cell game out of 32,000 (from the original Windows), while the estimated number of unwinnable games in solitaire is between 8.5-18%. Basically if I lose in solitaire then it's 20% likely that I had no chance before the game even started. Meanwhile a Free Cell game will pretty much always rise and fall based on my abilities (which I should tell you are substantial).

And I like that. I like the feeling of being in complete control of my game destiny. That means that when I win, I win because I was smarter than a stack of computer generated playing cards. I was able to use my mental faculties and precognition to triumph over my inanimate enemy. If I lose, it's because I made a wrong choice or got ahead of myself- no mystical force leading me astray. No computer defense to accuse of cheating. The only person to throw the controller at is myself.

But hey, the point of this blog post wasn't really to trumpet the superiority of Free Cell over solitaire (ATTENTION- FREE CELL IS SUPERIOR TO SOLITAIRE). My point is to let you know that I am challenging myself to my own Free Cell football league. Yes, my efforts to incorporate football into every facet of my life knows no bounds.

Let me explain what I'm doing. I'm going through a series of 16 game 'seasons', if you will. At the end of each 'season', I advance to the playoffs depending on how many victories I achieve. 9-11 wins gets me in the Wildcard round, and 12-16 gives me a first round bye. If I make it to the playoffs, then I follow the NFL playoff format until I win the 'Super Bowl' or lose (whichever comes first). My first 'season' I went 12-4 but lost in the equivalent of the conference championship game (note: the only way that I could make this possibly cooler is if I somehow managed to clone myself into any multiple of four and set up equal divisions that I could compare records against and actually set up a literal playoff tree against myself. Science, get on this please). I was devastated to be sure- so I went out and made some impressive moves in free agency and drafted shrewdly to fill some needs. I'll let you figure out what that means.

Last 'season', which I finished tonight, I went 11-5. Not my most impressive finish, but considering I started 1-4, it was quite a feat- especially since I won the Super Bowl! That's right, I managed to overcome a 1-4 start to finish with a playoff berth and like the Green Bay Packers of last year, I won four straight games to reach the pinnacle of my trade. Move over, Freddie Mercury- I am the champion, my friend.

Rest assured faithful reader, I'm not going to be bringing you frequent updates of my Free Cell successes and failings. This will probably be the only time you have to read about these shenanigans. But I did think that the world needed to know that I take my Free Cell as seriously as I do my Fantasy Football. Which is to say that I take it way too seriously.

*I suppose that hyperlinking to a website that you're already at is a little superfluous. It's like giving you a map to a door, and the door is in the middle of the room that you're already in. But that's okay because it's just nice to know that there's no place like home.

Friendship like flower petals fall

2011-10-29T21:35:00.001-04:00

Forget everything I've ever said might be the toughest thing about parenting. There's a new sheriff in town- and it is Kindergarten friendships.

As I write this, I'm struck by several conflicting emotions, all working together to paint this tapestry that we call parenthood. I feel alone- like all of my struggles are occurring uniquely in my own private corner of the world. I feel relief (mixed with horror) that my struggles are probably universal. I feel hope that regardless of the struggles, there will come a day when I look back on these years and wonder- how the hell did we survive? And I feel worry that my biggest flaws will swallow up my children's biggest strengths, turning them into little imperfect clones who can laugh and giggle with the best of them but struggle to have authentic human relationships.

Let me explain.

A few months ago, Delaney met her first Kindergarten friend, a little girl named (for the purposes of confidentiality) Anna. I remember the time we bumped into her family at Wal-Mart, shortly after school had started. It was quite wonderful- standing there chit-chatting with her mother (who is very nice and fortunately seems normal), watching our daughters smile shyly and giggle nervously. How precious to see those genesis moments of friendship- two precious little girls, not really knowing what to do or what to say, just knowing that there was something inside that lit up a little bit when the other was around.

It's not that Delaney was friendless before (please- she has tons of friends. Just like her dad)- but Anna is the first girl that Delaney has befriended outside of our circle of influence. We've known all of her other friends, either through relatives or living arrangements. Anna is the first fruits of us letting our daughter swim out into the ocean on her own. She is the symbol of our faith in society.

Over the first couple of months, it was a darling little friendship to see in action. When we dropped Delaney off at school, she'd often stand next to Anna and her family while we waited for the doors to open. Delaney doesn't talk about school often (which could probably be another blog post altogether), but she does like to talk about Anna and the fun they have out at the tires at recess. So why the blog post?

Unfortunately, not all is okay at the O.K. Corral. I can't say definitively what the deal is and I'm no Batman- but something is up. When I dropped Delaney off at school on Friday, Anna was standing there with another girl, smiling and holding her hand. Hey. Hey you- what do you think you're doing? Delaney stood over by them, but she might as well have been the chair the little brown haired chubby kid was sitting on.

Then, while the kids were putting the red folders into the box and their coats in their cubbies Anna and mystery girl (after sharing a joyful embrace) ran over to do puzzle together. I gave Delaney a hug and kiss goodbye and watched her go over and sit behind the girls as they worked on a puzzle. I had to leave before seeing how things progressed from there (I don't really relish the idea of getting dragged out of the school with a police escort), but in that moment I forgot all about school as a learning institution and saw it instead as a social one. Did I just witness the beginning of the end of her first friendship?

Long term, I am not worried. I know that many people come and go, and that people change and grow and it's not a guarantee that your best friend in Kindergarten will be your best friend later in life (or even in elementary school). I've managed to keep a solid friendship with my Kindergarten BFF (I even stood up in his wedding last year), but middle school claimed an elementary friendship of my youngest sister. And we're both fine....I think.

Besides, it's not like the friendship is necessarily over (and believe me, that's all that was on my mind Friday and was the first thing I asked her when she got home). I'm very aware of my propensity to overreact. It's just that I know how innocent Delaney is- and how sensitive. I'm worried that she'll misread something and push Anna away. I wonder about Anna just wanting other friends but not knowing how to communicate it and pushing Delaney away.

There's a whole lot of control struggle going on here, believe me. It's so tough just letting her go to school and put herself and her feelings out there and knowing what will (someday, somehow) eventually happen. It's the hope that I've prepared her enough and the worry that I haven't.

The trials of these early years feel so much like a referendum on my parenting. Like every bad day and every tear is the product of my deficiency, or something. Insecure much? Well yes, to be frankly honest.

It doesn't help that I feel like we're outsiders. Because of our work schedules and school schedules and our own personalities, we're just not huge social butterflies. It's tough to see so many of the other parents who all seem to know each other, with some sort of history. And they all seem like they're in such stable places in their lives. Meanwhile we're hopping around from transition to transition. Factor in that I'm really not a person who does well with entering into meaningful relationships, and we could be talking about the Hindenberg of parenting, folks.

The toughest part of parenting is the worry that my failings will become my daughters failings, and that all of her wonder, her joy, her imagination, her sense of humor will get lost in translation. My biggest fear is that her immeasurable gifts and talents will be dimmed by the tarnish of my mistakes. I worry that she will be like me, someone friendly- but not necessarily a good friend.

I know tough times are ahead- I just hope that this storm will be a minor one to weather. It will be- it will be. I know the wonder that my daughter is. Besides- how good is this other girl at playing on the tires, anyways?

9 vs 0 yardage analysis for Fantasy Football update (hint: It's more of a not-update)

2011-10-27T01:58:00.001-04:00

Hello cyberspace. I just wanted to drop a quick line to those who actually look forward to the things I promise and fail to deliver- I have not forgotten about my analysis of yardage gained ending in '9' versus '0' (for the purposes of Fantasy Football scoring and relief of agony). The last few weeks I've been working third shifts at work, which means I've been busier/more tired than I normally am. I could attempt to undertake some data gathering during my downtime at work, but I don't necessarily trust myself with numbers at 3:00 in the morning.

I should be back to my regular schedule in the next few weeks, so hopefully I can resume my highly important, groundbreaking study then and present to you my purely scientific findings. But for now, I'm going to go read some more articles on cracked.com.

I debate with myself- because I always lose

2011-10-26T04:07:00.003-04:00

Recently I've begun to challenge myself to read things that are beyond my understanding from perspectives other than my own. And I'm not just talking about 'The Cat in the Hat', either.

Today's reading: Anthropomorphism, Trisyllabic Meter, and Dr. Seuss- Why Mike Myers Isn't All That Funny

In the midst of one particular academic foray, I stumbled upon an article in which Richard Dawkins lays out a reason for refusing to engage in debate with William Lane Craig. Heady stuff, to say the least. After my brain temporarily shut down because of intelligence overload, I figured I could use this as a good segue into my struggle right now in regards to understanding the Bible and its role in my life.

I'll write more about this in much more depth later on (after lots of reading and research). Suffice it to say that for a long time, I took the Bible as the true word of God because that's what I was told. I was told that the Bible said it was the true word of God, and so therefore it was- perfect and infallible.

Lately I've been trying to think about it more objectively. That is, if you look at it on an organic level, the Bible is a collection of history, legends, songs, and rules that were written by people thousands of years ago. It has an elevated place because we are told it is God's direct word to His people- but is it possible that it is nothing more than the ongoing journal of one group of people from the Bronze Age? Right now, I'm not sure either way. But I intend to find out.
That's all stuff for another day. Let me get to the point of this blog- which is about the idea of genocide, and whether God is for or against it. Actually, scratch that- I'll link you to William Lane Craig's response to a question about the genocide of the Canaanites, found in the Old Testament. I'll let you read it. Then I'll get to the point.

From the Christian perspective, I can see where you would say that God is the end-all-be-all, that He can do what He wants to whomever He wants. Otherwise, He's probably not a God worth serving. And I get it when Craig talks about us approaching this from a Western perspective. We tend to see the human race much differently (for the most part) than the Biblical writers did- and even though I think we are less xenophobic/ethnocentric than they were, I have to concede the fact that there is a bias in my viewpoint.
However, that still doesn't mean that there isn't some bias from the writers themselves. Winston Churchill said it best- "History will be kind to me, for I intend to write it". When you have power or obtain victory, you have the opportunity to spin the history however you want. You get to decide who the players are and who gets ignored. You can choose who plays the hero and who plays the villain. It usually isn't until much later when people can look back more objectively (as much as is possible, anyways) to smell the BS.

And if you demonize certain populations, then certain actions can be justified. Think about Hitler and his quest to exterminate the Jews. Think about African-Americans and slavery. Think about the Native Americans and Manifest Destiny. Think about the Catholic Church and the Inquisition. All of these events are simply appalling and horrific in our eyes today. At the time, though, they were "justified" because of certain beliefs about the victims. That's the power of labels.

I feel like I'm having a hard time connecting the dots here, but the main point is that the slaughter of the Canaanites is the same thing in my opinion. Historically, there is no reason to believe that this was a moral venture because it involves the demonization of a people (Canaanites) from the perspective of another group of people (Israelites) that were the more dominant military force.
So why would such an account have authority to make claims about the morality of genocide- it is already skewed to the perception of the author, right? Maybe Israel just wanted to take the land of Canaan, so they did- forcibly, under the banner of Yahweh and the cause of righteous judgment. We don't know, because we weren't there. All we can do is apply our own interpretation (which is skewed no matter how we try to approach it because of our own worldviews).

There's a lot more we could talk about on this issue- the idea of grace in Old Testament/New Testament theology, the effects of domestication and civilization over the years, the Monkeysphere, etc. And as I said before, the events could have happened as reported- God may have well wanted Israel to smote the Canaanites in retribution for their sins. But that doesn't mean we should just assume so because we are told to assume so. God gave us eyes to see. He gave us ears to hear. And He gave us brains to think about things critically. Well, that and the many other things that the brain does, which is pretty much everything.

2011 NORTH Michigan Snow Flurries- Weeks 1-7 (The Snow Job)

2011-10-25T04:39:00.000-04:00

A couple weeks ago, I was talking with my cousin Chris. It was on a Monday night- the Monday night when the Lions whupped the Bears on Monday Night Football. I suppose it was the first time the Lions had been on Monday Night football since the Mesozoic era. Anyways, during our conversation Fantasy Football came up. It's pretty rare for me to talk about football and somehow not relate it back to Fantasy Football. Sort of like how I can't talk about anything without relating it back to Fantasy Football.

I told him about my dilemma about having Matt Forte of the Bears on my team. I was losing my game, and I needed Forte to get a bunch of yards and/or touchdowns- just not at the expense of a Lions win. Chris explained that these types of scenarios were the reason he quit Fantasy Football. An intelligent viewpoint, by the way. I told him that I wished I wasn't like this, but that I just can't help myself. Rationally, I can't think of a reason to stay. Emotionally, I can't leave.

The amalgamation, of course, is what keeps me coming back. That unadulterated combination of emotion and logic sets all of the gears in my brain on fire at once, and it takes me to places in my creative soul that I could never find on my own. If there was something else that could do for me what Fantasy Football does then surely I would switch. But for right now, this is where it is at- a place I like to call 'Living'.

In case you're wondering what the hang is going on, I'm giving you a review of the first half of my Fantasy Football season.  Completely absurd, by the way. But if you've been around these parts before, you know that ridiculousness is my modus operandi.

I thought about waiting until the season was over, but I decided against it.  For one thing, it is therapeutic for me to write while in-season. It releases all of the shennanigans and ridiculousness and overreactions into cyberspace, and gets me on a nice-even keel. Just in time for the playoffs, when my idiocy amps it up to 11. Additionally, my team is 6-1. This is the best record I've ever had, and since I am completely an utterly hopelessly cynical about the nature of Fantasy Football, I believe this is probably the best it will ever be.

So with that inspiring intro, I present to you the first half of the NORTH Michigan Snow Flurries 2011 season.

Week 1- After what happened last year, my only hope was to make it through my matchup against expansion franchise Team Knights with zero injuries. Well I did that-and a little more, as my team comes out with guns blazing in a 162-133 victory and the Snow Flurries first-ever 1-0 start.
What went right- Tom Brady, where have you been all my life? After having a revolving door at quarterback the last couple years, I finally have a guy that I can just plug in weekly and assume that 20+ points are in the bag. This week Brady went off for 44- a Snow Flurries record and my first 40+ point game ever. (Holding back the tears) I feel so proud- it's as I had a son, and my son was an NFL QB and he threw for 517 yards and 4 TD on Monday Night Football. I love you son!

But les Averses de Neige are not a one-man band. My starting backfield (Darren McFadden, Matt Forte, Beanie Wells) combined for 53 points. The Ravens 'D' (29 points) justified my blind faith in them. Except for Mario Manningham, all my guys score doubled digits. I also benefited from my opponents misplay, as the Knights left 2 guys on the bench with 25+ points each.
What went wrong- When you win by almost 30, you really didn't do anything wrong except think that you did. It took approximately one half of football on a Thursday for me to start kicking myself over points (Jordy Nelson's 13) left on the bench. Understand- there's no logical reason why I would have started Nelson over Manningham and Tampa Bay Mike Williams. They're all good receivers. But the fact that Nelson scored more points than either of them means that I spent most of Friday and a good part of Saturday kicking myself over a "misplay" that wasn't even a misplay. How pathetic is that? PLEASE DO NOT ANSWER
Bonehead move- Playing in a second league.  I now realize that my emotions (which are already tattered, frail messes on Sundays) will constantly be battered and torn apart even more, because it is now possible that I will be facing off against players that I own in an alternate universe. Let me break it down.

After the 1:00 round of games, I was trailing 100-78, but I was feeling pretty good about my chances. I still had four players to go (Brady, McFadden, Wells, and Manningham), and my opponent only had Steve Smith I. Smith was playing in his first game since retiring in 2008, so I...oh. He didn't retire. What happened then? Did he fall off the face of the world? Because I don't remember him playing the last couple of seasons. Are you sure he didn't die?

Of course I will remember him now because of his career resurrection in which he torched me for 33 points that he also scored for me. Head...spinning...grey...hair...starting...

Week 2- The Snow Flurries have their first chance ever to go 2-0, which is a lot like 1-0 except it's twice as good. I spent all week getting ready for Team Fergy, a constant thorn in my side, only to find out there was a scheduling screw-up and my opponent was changed to the Castrated Bulls (formerly the Bullies). If Fergy is the thorn in my side, then the Bulls are like a giant flaming ACME safe and I am Wile Coyote. Despite the short notice, my team adapts quickly and walks away with a 140-121 victory.
What went right- Brady fell back to Earth this week, scoring "only" 36 points. My draft "strategy" (it should be noted that the use of "my" and "strategy" in the same sentence is something of a misnomer) of drafting versatile RBs pays off as neither Forte or McFadden rush for over 100 yards and yet both have over 15 poitns. 7 of my 9 players end up in double digits, including Nelson, who scored all 14 of his points on one play late in the 4th quarter of his real game.
What went wrong- Rob Gronkowski's 20 points would have looked heckabetter in my lineup than on my bench. And Mike Williams had 0 points. A goose egg. Mike, how are you going to come into my house, eat my food, sleep on my couch, and disrespect me like that. You know what dawg- I ain't even mad at you. We're 2-0, baby! Last year....well, last year, I'd have been figuring out a way to arrange a short walk on a long cliff for Tampa Mike.

Wait- don't you mean a long walk on a short cliff?

Um, no- obviously he'd die! Duh!
Bonehead move- Pfftt. Please. We're 2-0. I have the top scoring team in the league at this point. My roster practically sets itself. There is no bonehead moving this squad- you'd have to have a football pedigree of like, Matt Millen or something. STOP- don't you dare say anything.

Week 3- A killer early season matchup against the two time defending champs and my team is dinged up. I'm a little worried about the toughness of my team. This is our Super Bowl- and you guys want a week off? I had a guy come back from the dead last year- I don't want to hear about your wussy injuries. Hamstring? Please. What are you, pig shoes? Concussion? You can't just make up fancy words and pass them off as legitimate injuries. ARRGGH- youngsters these days. Oh well- despite not being at full strength, my team is still strong enough to shock the champs 145-86.
What went right- Brady, McFadden, and Raven's D outscore Disco's entire team. Even with his top scorers at each position, I would have still won the game. Graham overcomes a 0-point first half to finish with 17, and Neil Rackers bangs home 15 big ones at the K spot. Discos' big guns (Phillip Rivers and Chris Johnson) combine for 13 points.
What went wrong- My WRs only have 8 points. I leave points on the bench at RB because Beanie Wells is too ~~wimpy~~ hurt to play and literally everyone on my bench who played in a game outscored my Waiver-wire handcuff, Chester Taylor. And while that move (and the 23 Gronkowski point game) obviously would not have come close to costing me the game, the fact is that we are trying to change a losing culture here. 2nd place isn't good enough. Winning isn't good enough. Winning by almost 60 isn't good enough. NOTHING IS GOOD ENOUGH!!!!
Bonehead move- Picking up Taylor in the first place. To think I wasted a transaction on a guy who scored 3 points for me in a 59 point win. Unbelieveable. And it's not like I didn't have other running backs- Michael Bush and Brandon Jacobs, each put up a double-digit on my bench. Oh well. No time to savor this win, only to beat ourselves up over the things we sucked at and try to get better just enough for next week so that we can still beat ourselves up afterwards about how we need to get keep getting better.

Week 4- After a huge win, the Snow Flurries had to travel to Team Moose (his team's real name is some sort of leet speak, which I refuse to acknowledge) to take on the leader of the other division. I was worried going in- sure, my team was the highest scoring team 2 out of the 3 weeks, but Moose was high scorer the other week. Nevertheless, I knew this was a chance to flex my muscles against a good squad, and flex my muscles I did with a resounding 144-88 win.

What went right- Wells was again questionable most of the week, but was able to get well enough to rack up 32 points. Forte added 30 and McFadden 11. It's hard to lose a game when your starting RBs contribute 73 points. The Raven Defense also went ape, racking up 37 points.
What went wrong- Despite Graham being nothing but awesome for me all season and having a favorable matchup against the Jaguars, I subbed Gronkowski. At the time, Gronkowski had been almost matching Calvin Johnson's prolific TD stretch, and with Brady on my team, I figured I could use the Teammate Connection extra points. Of course Gronkowski scored 1 point while Graham scored 20. I hope Jimmy didn't take the demotion personally. Manningham also scored 1 point, while Nelson and his 15 languished on the bench.
Bonehead play- If I would have played Graham or Nelson, I could have had the high score in our league. I won handily, so I can't complain too much. It just would have netted me an extra $1.

Week 5- We must protect this house!!! After spending much of my first two years of Fantasy Football with sub-.500 records, the weight of a possible 5-0 start has literally whipped me into a blood lust frenzy. I'm doing 9-0 yard analysis, researching waiver-wire players, evaluating future matchups, and sacrificing squirrels to the football gods. Actually, that last one isn't true. It was chipmunks. KIDDING. So an intra-divisional matchup against Team Dennis awaits my team in Week 5. This is a trap game if there ever was one. Team Dennis is tied for second place, just sort of lurking back there, while my team is coming off of 3 high-profile matchups in a row (with a grudge match against Fergy lurking in Week 6). Add in the fact that bye weeks are coming up and these slackers are eyeing their paid vacations...there's a big chance that my team could fall flat on its face. And right on cue, the Snow Flurries fall way behind early, then again late, and need almost every second of football to pull out a 90-79 win over Dennis.
What went right- It's easy to keep your chin up and play hard when you're winning easily. Much less easy to keep plugging away when things aren't going your way. My guys could have just thrown in the towel, accepted a divisional lead tie, and got ready for next week. The fact that they battled back in an ugly, rock-em/sock-em type affair tells me a lot about the character of my team. It doesn't hurt that I got 16 points from bye-week starter Giants D (who I picked up earlier in the week), 13 points from Graham (whew! He doesn't hate me), and 15 clutch MNF points from Forte.
What went wrong- Williams volunatrily signs up for purgatory by scoring 0 points. McFadden struggles to put up 6 points, and Brady's off game of 17 fails to keep pace with Brees' 25.  Kendall Hunter, a bye-week fill-in who literally signed with Team Dennis on Sunday morning, scores 6 points in the late games to give Dennis a 5 point lead with only two games to go. Trying to keep myself from going crazy, I tell myself that this is a manhood test, and if I can't have two players score 6 points then I don't deserve to win. Then Nelson racks up 1 whole point, with Forte still to play against an inspired and tenacious Lions defense. Fortunately Forte scored enough for the victory, but I shouldn't have had to win like that. Partly because it's just not fair, and mostly because I left 21 points from Victor Cruz on the bench.
Bonehead move- I don't qualify sitting Cruz over Nelson and Williamsas a bonehead move- I don't. Even though I've butted heads with the Experts in the past, I agreed with the assessment that time was needed to properly evaluate the roles of Manningham and Cruz. Now it is clear that Cruz is a player to watch, and Manningham can still be solid. But I didn't want to chance it at the expense of Nelson (who has always been solid) and Williams (who I just wish didn't suck so bad).

Week 6- Ah Fergy, my nemesis. Other teams have beat me, but no one has beat me the way Fergy has. Including the consolation game last year, I went 0-3 versus Fergy in 2010 (1-4 lifetime). Two of my most devastating defeats have come at his hands. Fergy entered this game as the second hottest team in the league (3 game win streak) and second high scorer. So believe me, he had my full attention. And after losing our first game of the season, a 108-96 decision, he has even more of my full attention.
What went right- Brady had 20 points (we won't talk about the 2 picks he threw). Forte and McFadden each had double digits, and Nelson made his two real-game catches count for 17 fantasy points. Graham had 13 as well. Fergy left points on the bench at RB and Defense.
What went wrong- Of course, you can afford to leave points on the bench when you have two players (in his case, Aaron Rodgers and Michael Turner) combine for 56 points. Seriously, the rest of his roster did just okay. Those two guys killed me. I think Turner was out for a little jilted lover revenge, and I'm okay with that. I've moved on, right Victor? Oh yeah, that's right- Cruz choked in his first game as in the starting line-up.
Bonehead move- None, actually. At this point in the season, I have to say that I really don't have any bonehead moves to date (other than my drafting, but we'll get to that analysis after the season). It could be an artificial sense of my own accomplishment, but the fact is that my team has pretty much performed to its maximum capacity every week. Sure, we have some depth issues- especially at WR. But overall, we're humming along pretty well. We could very well be 6-0 if a couple of plays to Manningham hadn't been overturned. So I'll just stay here...at the first place ball...waiting for the prince to notice me (or the clock to strike Midnight, whichever comes first).

Week 7- Ah, the week after the first loss of the season. That's usually when the panic and paranoia sets in. It's just that usually this happens to me after Week 1, so I have much more time to right the ship. Now, despite sitting at a league-best 5-1 record, I've managed to thouroughly convince myself that I'm destined to watch the playoffs from the sideline. Every future matchup for my guys is like a virtual Steel Curtain. To make matters worse, this week I'm playing 1-5 El Diablo. On paper, this should be a cake walk for me.  His team is missing most of his potent weapons due to bye weeks, and I'm projected to win 141-48. But I think back to last year, and how he was 4-0 and I was 0-4, and I defeated him- so I'm not taking this matchup lightly at all. You wouldn't know it though by my effort. Sure, I bring home the 73-51 win. But that's just about all I'll be bringing home from this turd sandwich.
What went right- Matt Forte scores 24 points on foreign soil, which unfortunately is not subject to the exchange rate but is still quite impressive. Graham ends up with 17 (and the eventual game winning points). The Ravens D scores 15. And Joe Flacco sucks almost as much as Matt Cassel.
What went wrong- Wells and McFadden both go down with first half injuries. Cassel throws 2 picks, has a TD pass overturned, and finishes with 2 points. Nick Novak racks up a grand total of 3 points at K (while Neil Rackers enjoys his 11 points on waivers). Let's see, what did I miss? Oh yeah- how about DeMarco Murrays 33 (on the bench), Mike Williams 7 (on the bench) and Doug Baldwin's 0- right out in front for everyone to see.
Bonehead move- Sigh...I almost wish that I could say I've had some bonehead moves. But really, my logic was sound. My methods, flawless. I couldn't have known that two of my top-three RBs would get injured. And sure, Wells was going against Pittsburgh, which is more like Sarlac Pit-tsburgh for RBs- but he's El Hombre for the Cardinals.  I knew Murray would get some totes for the Pokes- but who knew he'd have 253 yards?

The problem with having a team perform at it's peak every week is that you feel so hopeless when things go wrong. When your guys aren't performing, you're just watching the seconds tick away, and there isn't anything you can do about it. At least if I make a misplay or a bonehead move, I can pass the blame. I can blame the experts for poor predicting. I can blame Eli Manning for not throwing the ball to Manningham more. I can even blame myself for making the bad play.

The funny thing is that I'm sitting at 6-1 and I feel worse about my team than I did a year ago at 3-4. What kind of monster am I? Who has made me this way? I know that I am a messed up human being. But this is 'Living' my friends- and I wouldn't have it any other way. Unless I could.

Tim Tebow: Savior- or saviorest?

2011-10-24T04:33:00.002-04:00

If you even thought about accessing any sort of media relating somehow to sports, then you surely know that yesterday was Tim Tebow's first start of the season. And I'm gonna take him to task.

I actually have nothing against Tebow- from what I've read/heard, he's a fine and upstanding young man, a devout Christian, and an excellent teammate. Tebow has done humanity a solid. His parents should be proud.

He definitely doesn't deserve most of the venom being spewed towards him. You can't blame Denver for reaching to draft Tebow in the first round. He (probably) didn't ask the fans to start cheering for him when Kyle Orton's career started to tailspin. It's definitely not his fault that everyone everywhere nitpicking his football career the past two weeks- talking about how inaccurate he is, why he is inaccurate, how his arm isn't strong enough, how his arm is strong enough, how he needs an offense specifically tailored to his skill set, how he needs to be a pocket passer, how he isn't ever going to be a pocket passer, his intangibles...and I didn't even actually read most of the articles- this is all information gleaned from headlines and the NFL pregame shows that I watched today.

I understand why this is- we're like information sponges, and the Internet is Bikini Bottom. Bill Simmons has talked before about the culture of the Internet, and the 24 hour news cycle, and because there's so much more air time to fill, things get analyzed and reanalyzed, and the analysis gets analyzed and so on and so on. And of course I could rip on the process...but using my own blog to do so would be a little hypocritical. I just don't believe that you should bite the hand that feeds you (especially since most of the time it's my own hand).

I do think that this over-overanalyzation had a ridiculous impact on the development of young players. Head coaches too, but I'm not talking about coaches here- I'm talking about the man Tim Tebow. I remember as a kid reading this book of NFL player profiles from the early 1980's. One of the player profiles was Bert Jones, a young QB for the Baltimore Colts, and his head coach made a comment akin to QBs taking about five years to really fully understand the NFL game.

Every time I stumble across an article about Tebow or see him being virtually dissected, I think about that quote. I think about Tim Tebow, starting for the 4th or 5th time in the 2nd year of his NFL career, and I think it's absolutely preposterous that people would be trying to make declarative statements about his football future at this stage in his career.  Especially since everybody knew that Tebow was going to be a project coming out of the funky spread offense that Florida ran. But hey, we have to fill the air time, so let's keep talking and talking and let's run this kid's career into the ground before it even gets started. Poor Timmy.

But enough about that. On to the game!

Full disclosure- I didn't actually get to watch Tebow play very much yesterday. Apparently 1-4 Denver at 0-5 Miami didn't really make for must-see TV, Tebow or no Tebow. So I watched San Diego at New York (the Lions were on, but I couldn't stand to watch them suck). Ergo, my discussion of Tebow will be mostly academic.

I know that his passing numbers were so-so. I know that he led the Denver offense to within field goal range a couple times in the first half but the Denver kicker missed a couple of field goals. I know that Tebow led the Broncos from 15 points down in the last 3 minutes of the game (thanks on-side kick team!) and then about half-way through the OT period the defense delivered a turnover that eventually led to a 52 yard game winning field goal.  I know that after the game they interviewed Tebow and he thanked Jesus and then his teammates.

People with way more time and money on their hands are going to sit around and dissect the film of this game and be able to determine whether Tebow played good, great, or more great. So I can't really comment on that. He led them to a win, which is always a big deal in the NFL. He's definitely an exciting player, if not slightly unorthodox.

What I want to focus on is his post game comments- particularly how they rubbed me the wrong way.

Maybe it's just because I'm a little older, a little wiser, or maybe I'm about to get ungrafted from the Vine- but I really wasn't feeling the shout-out to JC.  Far be it for me to make any sort of judgments or assumptions or mind-readings, but it really felt forced. It was like Tim spent all week with a series of post-it-notes around his house that said "If get interviewed, thank Jesus Christ Personal Savior".

I don't have any problem with athletes being outspoken about their faith- as long as its in context. If you're speaking to a bunch of church camp kids- yeah, tell them about your faith. If you're telling a reporter why you set up this charity or that fundraiser- sure, that's appropriate. If the NFL analysts are asking you about game situations- you should probably leave God out of it. Especially since you just got sacked 7 times, went 13-27 passing, and spent most of the game struggling against the worst defense since Helms Deep.

I don't know- I just think that it's okay to talk about football when they ask you football questions. If you repped Christ because you're wanting to stay humble, try looking at your statistics instead. Plenty there to keep yourself in perspective. If you name-dropped Jesus because you wanted Him to get proper praise and glory, try going 31-35 for 325 yards and 5 TDs. But don't take my word for it:

-If anyone speaks, they should do so as one who speaks the very words of God. If anyone serves, they should do so with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. If anyone plays quarterback, he should complete at least 60% of his passes with an average yards/attempt of about 7-8, and a 3-1 TD-to-INT ration. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen- 1 Peter 4:11 (Bolded part was not part of the original manuscripts. Or any of the manuscripts, for that matter)

That's all I got. I don't know if it's good enough, but thanks to the Internet we have nothing but time to kill and space to fill. I do hope that Tebow does well- I like to see the good guys succeed and the underdogs prove their doubters wrong. I'm also partial to left-handed QBs TTFN!

The problem with polls

2011-10-20T06:05:00.002-04:00

You want to know how cool I am? I'm about to singlehandedly lead the Air Force Falcons to an NCAA Football Bowl Subdivision championship.

On the PS3. Boo-yah!

Before you drag the mouse up to that little X next to the tab you're reading this on, I ask you to just hang with me for a second. There's actual substance to this post, and I will get to it fairly quickly. But in order to get to the meat, you first have to chow down the airy, spun sugar/like substance that is the backdrop of my story.

I'm playing a dynasty on NCAA Football 11 as the Air Force Falcons. I've always had this mythical interest in the football programs of the service academies. I think this is because there is nothing quite as manly as the idea of playing football at a military institution combined with that fact that military institutions generally make use of the Option offense (my absolute favorite football offensive system).

Anyways, so I'm playing as Air Force. Obviously I needed to be on the team- that's the whole reason why dorks like me play sports games. Right? So I created myself as a dynamic, dual-threat quarterback (a lot like real life, without the 'dynamic' or the 'dual-threat'. Or even the 'quarterback') and started plowing through Conference USA (I know Air Force is currently in the Mountain West- but I just had to find a league that played a conference championship game so I could have that extra game's worth of stats) like I was a warm knife and the Tulsas and Houstons were melted butter.

My latest season started off with a 21 point win over a #6 Florida Gators squad- on the road. I shouldn't brag, but I was impressed. After all, Lee Corso and Kirk Herbstreit had both predicted Florida to win. Boy I showed them. I played on Varsity level and everything!

The very next week, I skyrocketed up to #19 in the polls. Where was I the week before- I don't know. Limbo, oblivion, Dante's inferno- it really doesn't matter. The fact is that now I'm #19. Scratch that- #15 after I creamed Army last week by 20 (who is the civy now, huh?).

I'm really close to actual real-life application, so if you've made it this far, you are about to be rewarded beyond your wildest dreams (which probably says more about the state of your dreams than it does about my writing). I was looking at the rest of my schedule, and I realized that at the rate I'm going, I will probably be playing for a National Championship at season's end. I'm in the top 15 in week 3- I'm basically already sitting at the cool table! Most of my games will be conference games (in a weak conference), with a trip to Mississippi State (hardly a Florida-level challenge) and a conference championship game that will give me an extra week to move up in the polls. BCS, here we come!

And so naturally I then started thinking about the problem with polls- because this is how my mind works. I don't question it anymore, I just roll with it. Mostly I was thinking about college football polls (which I've talked about in the past), but it's no stretch to apply that to other polls as well. Particularly since we're currently in the middle of a GOP Presidential candidate orgy.

The use of polls to determine the national championship is, I believe, an inherently flawed strategy. I feel like it gives artificial favor to the teams that are ranked in the preseason polls as well as teams from BCS conferences. This is because, unless you have a colossal faceplant to start the season, or multiple losses throughout the season, the chances are pretty good that you are going to be in a strong position to remain ranked in the top 25 throughout the season. And if you are in a BCS conference, you have a greater chance of being ranked in the first place (and less of a chance of falling out of the top 25 should you lose a game).

This is no mere academic issue, either. Being ranked brings prestige with it. You get nice little write-ups in the beginning of college football preview mags. Your scores come first on ESPN's homepage. The byproduct of the increased attention gets you more love and attention from the top recruits, which means you're more likely to continue to have good football teams in the future, which means you'll be ranked in the top 25, which means that....you see where this leads, don't you? A self-sustaining cycle of artificially enhanced dominance. And what does that dominance get you?

MONEY. The better your team, the more money that gets brought into the school. So obviously there is a great deal of interest in maintaining the status quo, which is that certain programs are granted the advantage of being ranked before actually playing a single game. This serves usually to keep the money inside the big BCS conference super-circle while leaving the teams like TCU and Boise State on the outside looking in.

Let me show you a little bit how the BCS schools get favored in this system. First of all, a majority of preseason ranked schools come from the six BCS conferences (Big 10+2, Pac-whateveritisnow, Big not-really-12, used-to-be-Big East, ACC, $EC). A fairly large proportion of BCS conference teams schedule very winnable games in the early season. Sure, there's always early-season high-profile showdowns, such as Oregon versus LSU, but most of the time they schedule cream-puffs. The kind that E. Gordon Gee eats for breakfast.

So by the time the average conference season starts, a team that started the season ranked highly is already going to have 3-4 wins under their belt, and if they're in a BCS conference, they're going to be playing against other ranked teams whose rankings are most likely reinforced by a series of wins against inferior competition (not always, but more often than not). So then a ranked team beats another ranked team which enhances its artificially bestowed status (or a non-ranked conference team boosts their status because they beat a ranked team)- even though we don't actually know whether or not the ranked team is actually any good yet. Does this make sense? Am I taking crazy pills?

Sure, there are guidelines to help make sure that the voters are remaining as objective as possible. But come on. There is a subjective human element here that makes this whole thing stink. Ask 1994 Penn State about their level of confidence in voter judgment.
I read an article done by a guy that seems to know more about statistics than I do, and he came to the conclusion that preseason polls do matter (although not as much as we might think). Using a complex formula, he deteremined the difference typically comes down to around 1 poll spot. Even though most of the time 1 poll spot is inconsequential, it can also be absolutely devestating. 1 poll spot seperates #3 from #2, and only #2 gets to play against #1 for crystal football.

Note- this is not the BCS trophy. It's a warning to those that think SafeSearch is truly safe. Or search.

T IS FOR TROPHY, THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME. NOM NOM NOM NOM

Ask 2004 Auburn about how they feel about 1 poll spot.
Sometimes teams win and lose ground in the polls, for sure- sometimes you just don't win that impressively or someone else leapfrogs you because they ~~ran up the score~~ notched a huge win. But these are the exception and not the rule. Most of the time you move up (or at least hold steady) if you win.

So how does tie into politics? Simple- polls influence the headlines, which in turn influences how most people perceive or feel about candidates (or at least the perception of how people perceive or feel about candidates. Man my head is spinning!). And the candidates respond accordingly. Don't believe me? Look at the action, and how much of it is dictated by polls. It's like candidates are not even addressing ideas anymore- they're defending their rank. They're on constant campaign mode, always trying to make their case to be #1.

The obvious problem with this is that our focus as voters can become about things like debate performance instead of policy content. We start to pay less attention to what Herman Cain's "9-9-9" plan consists of and more time about how he sells/defends his image. And then we have the audacity to get upset when we find out that the people in office are not as compentant as we thought they were based on the performances that we asked for.

So what's the moral of this story? Obviously I'm telling you to do everything you can to artificially enhance yourself. Whether that means that you schedule easy wins for your football team, become a charismatic public speaker, or make your speed rating a '95' (even though in reality it's more like '65')- just do what you have to do. Because in today's society, it's where you start that determines where you finish.

PICS- Golf trophy- http://www.blackshoediaries.com/2010/4/11/1415660/jumble-in-the-rumble
Chris Leak- http://s3.amazonaws.com/collegeotr/images/blogs/9aa2c206e2ff225abedfaf9f6f414b2f.jpg

The intellectual middleman, or more commonly, What is the point?

2011-10-18T05:27:00.001-04:00

Let's take a break from the silly and get down to some business. Since I can't think of some frilly way to icebreak here, I'll just be blunt- the last couple of weeks, I've really been feeling like I have no purpose.

I'm not looking for sympathy- so please don't give it. At least not for a few days. I apologize if that's harsh. I'm really struggling right now, and sometimes I feel like people respond with good intentions that end up trivializing pain and invalidating struggle. The last thing I want is to feel like everything can just be whisked away by a greeting card line or a motivational flip calendar. If, after a few days, my struggle is still resonating in you, then by all means I want to hear what you have to say.

Like anything in life, there's not just 'one thing' causing me to feel this way. In fact, it is probably even more complex than how I'm going to characterize it. But there are a few areas that I'm struggling in, and they're all feeding off of each other to create the monster that is currently my self-esteem.

1) Inadequacy
Lately, I've been feeling as though I don't have a voice. Not literally- obviously I have a literal voice. And not so much metaphorically- I mean, I've been writing a lot lately, and by and large my writing has felt pretty good. But what do I have to say, really? What sort of contributions to the world at large am I making? What kind of legacy is being carved out by my words?

I know a lot of what I've been writing has been ridiculous, off-the-wall sorts of things, but I don't think that alone contributes to the feeling. Besides, humor is an important part of the human experience. I don't even feel like I've been doing that well lately though.
I've just been feeling this overarching sense of "what is the point?" lately. I've been trying to read more, and diversify the things I'm reading. Particularly I've been seeking out blogs and forums of a more intellectual nature. So I've been coming across a lot people who write like me except they're smarter, funnier, and better writers. It's like I can feel myself disintegrating into white noise.

I'm starting to feel like I'm in sort of this middle zone- like I'm smart enough to sound kind of smart, but I'm not smart enough to be smart without being exposed as a fraud. I mean, I know nothing about debating. Or philosophy. Or textual criticism. Basically anything that people do or say or think that makes them really smart, I don't do. I suppose I could focus on more trendy, pop-culturey things- but I don't do that well, either.

Ironically, even my belief that each person is worth knowing because of their unique perspective on the human experience isn't enough to lift my spirits. I honestly feel like I have little of worth to contribute to the human conversation. The past couple of years have been taken me on a pretty incredible journey of self-discovery. I find myself thinking about things differently than I did, making all sorts of forward leaps in thinking- and yet these wonderfully new and exciting ideas that I stumble on have already been discovered. Just call me Intellectual Chris Columbus.
I've been asking myself 'what does it matter what I have to say? What do I really bring to the table'? And whose table am I bringing it to? I know that pretty much all of my readers are friends and family. And I am very thankful for all of you, and for anyone who reads my blog, really. I just wanted to have a bigger audience and a larger sphere of influence, and I'm starting to feel like I don't have what it takes to get there. 32 might be kind of young to have a mid-life crisis. But there it is- staring me right in the face.

Maybe this is my lot. Maybe I'm to be this intellectual middleman, a Wal-Mart of knowledge. Bringing you virtually brand-name (like) discourse at discount prices. Someday I might find that to be of some comfort. Just not right now.

I know part of it is the unrealistic expectations that I have for myself. But with the way the Internet works, it's not all that unrealistic. Ideas spread within seconds. One link on a Facebook wall can find its way around the world in a heartbeat.  That stuff doesn't happen to me. I get ecstatic if one of my posts gets more than 20 page views.

2) Insecurity
It's also frustrating to me is that everyone else has it all figured out- or at least they act/talk like it. No matter what the issue, everyone has taken their stand, and they're all so certain, and...how can you be so certain? I'm not certain of much anymore.

I'm working on a couple blog posts that I'm afraid of. I'm afraid because they speak to the way my worldview is changing. I have different thoughts and ideas about things that I know many people hold dear.  And I'm scared to death to post them. I'm even afraid to mention here now that I'll be posting them then. I'm questioning some things that I previously held tightly to, and I'm worried that people will take my questions from my journey and internalize them as an attack on themselves.

I don't want to attack anyone. These is about me, and my stuff.  This is about me needing to break free from the image that I feel I have misrepresented for awhile. I need to put myself out there. But I don't know how the words I say about the thoughts I think will be taken. And that frightens me to no end.

3) Drowning in routine
Finally, as a stay-at-home dad working part time as a care provider, I'm really struggling with feeling stuck. I knew that it would be hard when I decided to stay at home so Sara could go back to school. But I didn't know it would be as hard as it is. I feel like my life is this Groundhogs Day cycle, over and over and over again. I want to be learning and growing. And I have been doing that in part- I just feel like so much of my life is spent watching kids movies, washing dishes, washing laundry, playing with kids toys, picking up kids toys, and escaping into Fantasy Football and video games.

I'm sorry for griping about it- the simple fact is that I get to spend many hours a day with my children during their most important years. How amazing! Soon they'll both be in school full-time and I know I'll miss these moments. That's another thing that is really tearing me apart. I feel trapped, so I feel frustrated about that, but then I also feel frustrated about feeling frustrated about feeling trapped. It's getting to a point where I'm having a hard time enjoying the time I have with my kids, and I hate that. Hate it. But I don't know what to do.
I feel like I'm just complaining, and that I should just man-up, or something. It's part of living in America- I just have to be tougher and work harder I guess. Sorry that I wore my Debbie-downer hat today.

DC Stars defense

2011-10-14T19:38:00.002-04:00

Last time I trotted out ~~Superman~~ the offense that the DC Stars would utilize to win the gridiron battle between the comic industrys' big two. Today, I present their defense. It isn't as pretty as the O, but as you will soon see, it is very capable of delivering a serious case of smack-down.

Pictures are taken from comicvine.com. Measurables are taken from the DC Wiki. Commentary is borrowed from the Hive Mind.

Defensive end- Bane
6'8", 350 lbs

Ordinarily, I'm not one to advocate the use of performance enhancing drugs. But this guy is as smart as Batman. He can lift up to three tons when he's juicing. So if I'm DC, I want him on the field at any cost. ANY cost. If that means a little Venom-drip on the sidelines between series, well then that's what has to happen. Besides, Hulk has to get angry to release his powers, and I'm pretty sure that anger is a sin just like cheating is.

Nose tackle- Doomsday
8'10", 915 lbs

Dude killed Superman. Need I say more?

Defensive end- Kalibak
7'9", 810 lbs

More than physical attributes, most football talking heads praise the "non-stop motors" of defensive linemen. A defensive lineman with a non-stop motor can singlehandedly disrupt an offense by forcing the QB to try and make plays outside their comfort zone. Kalibak is one of those rare players who has both impressive physical skills and a non-stop motor. And the reason that he has a non-stop motor is because he has constantly trying to impress his apathetic father, Darkseid. Despite constantly having his affections rebuffed, poor old Kalibak will keep trudging out there, play after play, trying to sack the QB to get that long-desired 'attaboy' from his emotionally distant father.

Outside linebacker- Grodd
6'6", 600 lbs

Inside linebacker- Solovar
Unlisted height, weight

Inside linebacker- Ultra-humanite
7', 600 lbs

There is a reason I chose three anthropomorphic apes for linebackers on the Marvel D, and it isn't just because I'm lazy and didn't want to write about all of them (although...). Just think about the physical attributes of a gorilla. They're extremely strong and agile. Gorillas are non-territorial, but will fight to defend their troop (in this case, the DC Stars defensive unit). Then you factor in that gorillas already have a high level of natural intelligence, and these Three Amigo-rillas have enhanced genius intellect and assorted super powers. Think 'Congo' but on the football field and field position instead of diamonds.

Outside linebacker- Black Adam
6'3", 250 lbs

All you have to know is that this guy can go toe-to-toe with Superman. But I'll tell you more. Black Adam has all of the abilities you'd look for in a linebacker- speed, strength, a chip on his shoulder, and the ability to summon magical lightning. Oh, and he is a vicious tackler. Forget about trying to separate the ball from the ballcarrier- Black Adam has that old school disposition of trying to separate the ball-carrier from the ball carrier. And this will come in handy for the Stars. Football is largely a mental game played out in a physical arena. As such, the ability to dictate what your opponent does because you're "in their head" is a huge advantage that transcends measurables. Black Adam will play the role of football bouncer. Nightcrawler getting a little cocky after a big play? He won't be showboating after Black Adam rips his tail off. Black Panther gets a first down and channels his inner Roy Williams?

Not that Roy Williams. Although I'm sure he channels this Roy in the bathrooms of Wakanda.

Um, no. Wait, what? No. NO.

Closer, but this Roy plays defense. Or at least he used to, before his career went in the toilet.

There we go. First down, Marvel!

If Black Panther tries this stunt, then Black Adam will grab his arm and remove it from his body. Will Marvel most likely end up with a first down due to a personal foul penalty? Yup. But in a game of this magnitude, if you have a chance to trade 15 yards for a ballcarriers arm, you take the 15 yards. NOTE: I am not condoning the ripping out of people's arms in normal football. But do what you have to do

Cornerback- Mr. Freeze
6', 190 lbs

I realize that Mr. Freeze is much to slow to play football- shoot he's probably too slow for shuffleboard. But I don't need Mr. Freeze to be a speedy corner- I just need him to jam receivers at the line. And by 'jam receivers, I mean 'shoot them with his freezey ray gun'. As effective as a physical corner can be in the five yard box with jamming receivers and disrupting timing, imagine a corner who can literally freeze a wideout before he gets into his route.

Cornerback- Plastic Man
6'1", 178 lbs (variable height)

It would have been easy to just stick him over on offense as a WR, a la Mr. Fantastic. Of course, with my situational omnipotence, it is just as easy to plug him on on defense specifically to stop Mr. Fantastic. I guess I just figured that Plastic Man is sort of a goofball, and I'm afraid that Superman would get pissed off at his antics and just throw the football so hard at his head that Plastic Man would instantly disintegrate and release all that Bisphenol A into the air, and I just don't think anyone wants to deal with that sort of public relations backlash.

Safety- Deathstroke
6'4", 225 lbs

A literal hitman, Deathstroke has enhanced strength and reflexes and the ability to use 90% of his brain. While this actually might not be as impressive as Wikipedia would like us to believe, it would still is probably a good 85-90% more than most football players are able to use. Yes, I made a joke about football players being stupid.

Safety- Nightwing
5'10", 175 lbs

Look, just because I wanted Batman studying film in the Batcave and preparing a foolproof gameplan doesn't mean that I don't want him out on the field too. And what better way to get the best of both worlds than to have Nightwing on the roster? Batman's most successful disciple has many of the impressive physical and mental abilities that Batman does, but without all the psychological issues.

Defensive coordinator- Brainiac 13

Perhaps more than talent, the best weapon for a defense is preparation. If they can know what the offense is going to do it is much easier for them to keep the offense from doing it. With all of the brilliant minds in the DCU, there are dozens of candidates who could pour over film and discern tendencies within formations and situations. But this type of study would take hours, and probably be flawed by human subjection. Brainiac 13 could analyze all the film and calculate probabilities in a matter of seconds without the interference of a conscious mind. Sure, his main goal is the eradication of all life forms- but you have to take the bad with the good. Kind of like marriage, except normally your wife's main ambition is not to wipe you out from existence (although you'd think so, what with all the nagging she does).

That concludes our look at the rosters of the Marvel Machine and the DC Stars. The stage is now set. The pieces are in play. Events have been put into motion. So how does this all play out? I'll tell you- next week.

PIC-
Roy Williams- http://mnjails.info/images2/ernest-roy-williams-1103602.jpg
Roy Williams (coach)- http://www.midwestsportsfans.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/10/roy-williams.jpg
Roy Williams (DB)- http://sports.popcrunch.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/06/roy-williams.jpg
Roy Williams (WR)-http://old.dallasnews.com/sharedcontent/dws/pt/photos/2009/09/090913_NS_13WilliamsSignal.jpg

Wits end

2011-10-13T14:38:00.000-04:00

I am literally at my wits end with this potty training business. My son will not/can not take a dump on the toilet. He knows when he has to go. He reaches down and puts his hand by his bottom when he has to- so I know he knows when there is an urge. I tell him if he feels that urge, he needs to do it on the potty. And yet somehow, for some reason, he does not go on the potty.

At this point, I am pissed off beyond measure. That probably makes me a horrible parent, and I realize that- but I don't know what to do. A flood of anger and frustration just bubbles up inside of me every time this happens. It isn't conducive to the process- but I can't change it. I can't change it. I know it creates a cyclical traumatic experience with the whole idea of potty training. I'm not being a monster on purpose.

And it's not like having Sara around more would help- if anything, he does worse with her.

I get so pissed because I literally see no end to this. I feel like we have just reached the pinnacle and my son is unable to understand that he needs to do this. This makes me feel very unfatherly things about my son. It makes me angry with my son. I don't want to- but at this point, I don't know how to make the separation. I don't know how to get back to a place where I have compassion and understanding for his accidents. If they're even accidents.

So there it is. I'm a horrible parent. Now if you excuse me, I'm off to bang my head against the wall because my blood is still boiling.

Marvel vs. DC- The DC Stars (offense)

2011-10-12T04:45:00.002-04:00

Last week, I entered into a great philosophical debate with myself about which comic book superheroes would make for great football players. It wasn't pretty- tempers flared, hurtful words words were exchanged, a hit may or may not have been ordered, but in the end, I (we?) agreed on a cohesive, dominant Marvel roster that would surely take on all comers. At the very least, they should be able to take out the Minnesota Vikings (NFC North burn!).

So for this week, I was charged with the task of finding for them a worthy adversary from their rival universe, DC. And that's what I did. Because I'm the taskMaster. Not to be confused with the Taskmaster- he's a Marvel super-villian.

And you know what makes me a super-villain? Presentation!

Pictures are taken from comicvine.com. Measurables are taken from the DC Wiki. And commentary is taken from the mind of AWESOME!!!!

Quarterback- Superman
6'3", 235 lbs

Really I could have plugged Supes in just about anywhere and it would have made sense. After all, he can pretty much do anything. But I figured he would be a great QB for the DC Stars for a few reasons.

Faster than a speeding bullet. That's pretty fast- but how fast is it exactly? Let's figure this out. One of the fastest guns I could find Internet information on is from the .220 Swift, which has a muzzle velocity of over 4,000 feet per second. Using a simple formula I also found in cyberspace, (B*3600)/5280, where B=bullet speed in feet/second, 3,600=number of seconds in an hour, and 5,280=number of feet in a mile, that comes out to about 2,727 miles per hour (mph). When you figure that most police officers will give you cushion of about 10 mph, you are looking at a speeding bullet going around 2,740 mph. And Superman is faster!
More powerful than a locomotive. Fact: Locomotives are now commonly referred to as "trains". That's pretty strong. Combined with his amazing speed, trying to tackle Superman would probably be like trying to tackle a semi-truck that was traveling at the speed of light. Or a train traveling at the speed of a bullet. Either way- Superman is more powerful!
Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. I don't know if that will help him on a football field, but it sure will help him out at the combine.

Throw in his great vision (X-Ray and Heat), leadership, and strong arm (technically two strong arms. But we're going to assume that one of them throws like a girl), and you have a QB that gives DC the ability to move the football against any defense in a number of ways. Shotgun, spread, option, pro style, swinging gate, single wing- you name it and Supes can make it happen.

Besides- weren't those dreamy eyes made to scan defenses and read coverages?

How can I be expected to tackle you, Superman- you are just too beautiful!

Runningback- Sinestro
6'7", 205 lbs

Being a Detroit Lions fan in my formative football years, I was annually treated to the joy that was watching Barry Sanders run. Of particular joy to me was to read and listen to all the really smart football guys, coaches and defensive players on other teams talk about how they hated playing against Barry. They would say things about how they "couldn't sleep" and the thought of playing against him "gave them nightmares".

So when assembling the DC roster, I eschewed the normal attributes for a RB, and thought- What if the RB could literally inspire fear in the defense? What if he actually drew his power from the fear of each and every living creature across the known universe- and he could harness that fear as light energy through a special piece of jewelry? Thus Sinestro became a part of the team. I'm sure athletically he'll be fine (even though with those proportions I'm worried about the Hulk snapping him like a toothpick), but his ability to strike literal fear into the defense will go a long way in covering up any sort of deficiency in his abilities. Besides, this is really Superman's show. The other players are just there to make him look good. Not that it is a difficult thing to do.

(Faints)

Fullback- Kilowog
7'8", 720 lbs

Aside from being a hulking behemoth in his own right, Kilowog has a Green Lantern Ring, which means that he can pretty much make anything his mind can conceive of. Could that come in handy? Ya think? Seriously, think of the implications- need to stay in and block for the QB? Brick wall! Can't quite reach that outlet pass? Giant pair of hands! Seconds ticking away to victory? Tub of Gatorade!

Wide receiver- Flash
6', 195 lbs

Have you watched the Patriots at all this year? I sure have- because Tom Brady is my Fantasy Football QB. And my Fantasy Football team is awesome. Did you really think I would go this whole series without mentioning Fantasy Football? Anyways, if you've followed the Pats, you've seen the kind of damage that mighty-mite Wes Welker has been able to inflict on opposing defenses. Now imagine if Welker could run Mach 10, vibrate through solid objects, and harness the power of the Speed Force. Not that Bill Belichik would care- he'd still probably try to spread the ball around like the offense is some complex game of hot potato.

Wide receiver- Aquaman
6'1, 325 lbs

With so many speedsters in the DCU (our Flash is Barry Allen, by the way. I'm not sure why there are so many different Flashes), why have Aquaman at the other WR position? Why not put another DC speedster out there? Maybe Zoom? Or how about Professor Zoom? Kid Zoom Kid Flash? Black Flash? Max Mercury?

Because I wanted to be a little more creative than that. And what's more creative than putting an Atlantean sea-dweller who has a prosthetic left hand that is usually a sword into a land-based game at a position that usually requires two hands? That's pretty freaking creative, eh? Besides, on this team Aquaman is a glorified third tackles. I mean, look at who our QB is. Seriously, look at him.

Lock eyes, from across the room...

Tight end- Amazo
8'5", 385 lbs

Amazo, on the other hand, will probably be like Jimmy Graham or Rob Gronkowski on this team and catch tons of passes for lots of yards and touchdowns. You should know that I have both of those TEs on my Fantasy Football team. And my team is awesome- just sayin'! In addition to being really tall, Amazo is notable for his ability to replicate the powers of any meta-human he comes in contact with. This opens up an entire world of options on the offense. Think about Amazo. Now think about the Marvel defense. Now think about Amazo replicating any of their powers- do you see why this is amazing? Or should I say- Amazoing?

Tackle- Swamp Thing
Variable height, weight

Swamp Thing has his own set of skills and abilities which are probably all fine and dandy. But he is really only here because of his ability to speak to, influence, and manipulate plant life. Quick botany lesson- grass is a plant. So not only do the Marvel defenders have to worry about what the DC offense is doing, they have to worry about what the grass is doing.

Guard- Clayface
5'11", 180 lbs (variable with mass)

Center- Big Barda
7'0", 197 lbs

Guard- Beast Boy
5'8", 150 lbs (variable)

I want to talk about the interior of the DC offensive line as one. Partly because the three of them have some physical similarities that would seem to make them poor choices to serve as interior offensive linemen, and partly because I'm tired of writing about offensive linemen. Oh, excuse me- offensive linepeople. At first glance, these three don't fit the dimensions of a typical guard or center. Clayface is 180? Beast Boy, a whopping 150 lbs? And the 7' Big Barda is all of 197 lbs? Does DC realize how ridiculous it is to have a 7'0" chick that weights less than 200 lbs? She'd look like this:

Uh, okay Manute- you see that big, angry, 1400 lbs green guy over there? On the next play, you block him.

But on this line, with this team, size doesn't matter. Let's be clear here- the offense is predicated on Superman either running some sort of read-option play or firing a quick slant/WR screen to the Flash. So the Stars don't really need maulers in the trenches. They just need lineme..sorry, linepeople to interfere with and annoy the defense. Clayface can muck up any sort of defensive interference. Big Barda might have Barbie-like proportions, but she's Superman-strong and also has Apokolyptian combat training. Beast Boy, in addition to literally being annoying, can transform into any animal in the history of ever. He could transform into a woolly mammoth for those short yardage plays or into a green crow to fly in the face of the defender on a screen pass.
I know, I know- I'm brilliant. You don't have to wait, you can tell me now.

Tackle- Alloy
Unknown

Rounding out the offensive line is Alloy, a little-known character from an alternate future. All you have to know is that he is most likely tall and is formed by all of the Metal Men combining together. That's where he gets his name. Alloy. Because he's an alloy. Yeah, I'm tired of writing about the O-line.

Kicker/Punter- Green Arrow
6'2", 195 lbs

Pretty much insert whatever I wrote about Bullseye in the Marvel article and put it here, except replace 'sociopath who can turn any object into a weapon and is renowned for his deadly accuracy' with 'playboy millionaire politician with leftist leanings'. Actually, I guess you could just repeat the quote, verbatim.

Kick/punt returns- Superman and Flash. Again with the obvious.

Head coach- Batman

You're probably surprised that I didn't suit up Batman given his years of martial arts training, special gadgets, and enhanced levels of strength and endurance. But as great as Batman is in the arena, he's perhaps more devastating outside of it. His meticulous preparation and legendary detective skills will serve him best in the film room, as he analyzes secretly obtained video footage of the Marvel practices. Give him a week, and he can figure out a way to beat the Marvel Machine. Give him two weeks- there's no way DC can lose.

Offensive coordinator- Lex Luthor

Lex here got the OC gig for a couple reasons. First of all, he's always trying to pull some crazy real estate schemes. Well isn't that what football is? Just a series of choreographed skirmishes designed to take control of or defend bits of territory? Second, who knows Superman's weaknesses better than Luthor? As long as we can convince him that they're working together just for right now, he can put together a gameplan to take full advantage of Supermans' strengths and stay away from his weaknesses...like cheerleaders.

Trust me Clark- stay away from women. They come from strange planets and will sap you of your strength.

So who does DC plan to employ to stop the high-powered Marvel attack? Tune in on Friday to know for sure!

Non-comicvine PICS- Clark (football)-http://26.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_l8z7ucfHOo1qb2sdzo1_500.jpg
Clark- http://media.comicvine.com/uploads/1/12780/640067-tom_welling_super.jpg
Clark 2- http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_n9-MsAkGOTo/TCBs9r3m87I/AAAAAAAABsI/uDojQFogcQw/s1600/tom-welling+(1).jpg
Manute Bol- http://socialightent.files.wordpress.com/2010/06/061910-manute-bol-gallery-sw-9_20100619150512_600_400.jpg
Lana Lang- http://assets.nydailynews.com/img/2009/09/17/gal_cheer_smallville_kristin-kreuk.jpg

The Least Likely to Succeed: The set-up

2011-10-08T11:06:00.002-04:00

The other day, while digging through my gold mine of old writings, comic books, and "valuable" sports cards (Shawn Bradley rookie card- this guys gonna be famous!), I came across an old magazine. Well, relatively old- It was published in 2002. The name of the magazine was Inkblots, a small independently (I believe) published magazine. It championed 'creative writing for creative minds'. Now, apart from being a creative writer and a creative mind ('Sup) I happened to keep this particular issue because I was published in it.

Yes. I'll wait until you pick your jaw up off the floor. At one point in time of history, I was a published writer. Know that my narcissism knows no bounds. I will go to any length to prove to you my greatness- even if it means digging through my treasure chest to find an obscure magazine that accepted freelance offerings from guys like me.

So here's the thing- I'm not actually going to let you read it. TODAY. I meant today. It's just really long...and would take a lot of typing...and I am probably going to want to edit it a little bit, since my audience has changed and I've changed and my underwear has changed. But I just wanted to let you know that it's coming. Soon. Be prepared. Mark your calendars- take a big red marker and just begin writing 'soon' all over every date square.

I'll give you a hint though- it's about Lord of the Rings. I'll be waiting for you to exhale.

Marvel Machine defense

2011-10-07T18:52:00.001-04:00

Welcome to part 2 of my "Marvel vs. DC: The Gridiron Years" saga. If you missed part 1, then click here. If you read it and don't miss it, then WHO NEEDS YOU ANYWAYS?????

Sorry about that- I forgot to take my Internet estrogen. Here's a look at the defense. As before, pictures are from comicvine.com and measurables are from marvel.com. Now, let's get ready to rumble:

Defensive end- Hulk
8', 1400 lbs

Assuming that the Hulk can stay mad (and I can't imagine that would be difficult while mucking around in the trenches), Marvel has a defensive end fueled by rage who continues to grow stronger as he gets angrier. Reminds me a lot of Donkey Kong Suh. They might need a way to figure out how to help Hulk control that rage though- otherwise I'm seeing a continuous series of encroachment and roughing-the-passer penalties from the Jolly Green Giant. And when I say 'roughing-the-passer', I mean 'beating-the-passer-into-a-bloody-pulp'. Which is still probably just a 15-yard penalty with automatic first down. Can't protect quarterbacks too much, eh Goodell?

Nose tackle- Blob
5'10", 510 lbs

There are a lot of fat dudes that have made a lot of money in the NFL simply because they could stand there in the middle of the defensive line and not be moved. Well who better in the comic universe to fill that role than the Blob? Seriously, I think this guy single-handedly shuts down any inside run game from DC, and frees up the D-ends to tee off on the DC quarterback. Plus, he's a fat guy wearing a leotard. So that too will help slow down the DC offense. Have you ever tried running a football while suppressing the gag reflex?

Defensive end- Colossus
7'5", 500 lbs

Besides already having his own shoulder pads, Colossus is an asset to the Marvel D because of his organic steel frame, super strength, and Russian heritage. But really it's because he has his own shoulder pads. Those things aren't cheap!


Outside linebacker- Sabretooth 6'6", 375 lbs

Sabretooth is like Lawrence Taylor from Hell. This angry quarterback-seeking missile prowls the offensive backfield with death and blood on his mind. He won't be making plays as much as he will be making piles of dead bodies that you have to step over to get past the line of scrimmage.


Inside linebacker- Iron Man 6'6", 425 lbs

Look, I've seen all three Iron Man movies.

This one's my favorite. Although, why didn't he blow stuff up?

So I know the weapons systems and targeting and tracking and all that stuff that Tony Stark has inside that suit. Combined with his cockiness and natural smarts, I can't think of a better captain of the Marvel D. Plugging him in at inside linebacker gives his suit the proper vantage point to utilize his technology to shut down the opposing offense. Also, it keeps him away from the fans, who are probably going to be drinking beer.

Inside linebacker- Doctor Octopus
5'9", 245 lbs

As I think back to the two weeks that I spent playing defense in high school (before they realized I was too weak and slow to be anything more than a welcome mat), I remember our coach screaming at us about the importance of using our hands and not allowing the blockers to get into our body areas. That is not an issue with the good doctor here. Most human beings are limited to one pair of hands. But Doc Ock has three pair. Three. That means that pair number one engages the oncoming blocker, pair number two coils around the ball carriers legs to prevent further yardage from being gained, and pair number three is free to readjust the pesky athletic supporter, which always seems to bunch up at the most inconvenient tim..YEOUCH!!!!


Outside linebacker- Thor 6'6", 640 lbs

Like the Florida State defensive ends of the late '90's, Thor has only one role- to run as fast as he can to try and tackle the quarterback. No way I want any part of him trying to have to make thoughtful decisions on the fly. No dropping back into coverage. No trying to read the play. Just use that Asgardian speed-burst to plant Mjolnir into the passers' chest.


Cornerback- Spider-man 5'10", 167 lbs

With a normal cornerback, you're worried about two things:

Their ability to match up with the opposing wide receiver and play lock-down man-to-man defense.
Their hands of stone.

With Spidey, you don't worry about either of those things. He's got the speed, strength, and agility of a spider so I'm not worried about him going one-on-one with anyone. And he has special pads on his fingers that help him scale walls, for crying out loud, so I don't think holding onto the football is going to be a big deal. Besides, even if he does get burned, he can shoot sticky webs out of his wrists. Now that's what I call 'recovery speed'.

Cornerback- Namor
6'2", 278 lbs

Apart from having all the super-human attributes, Namor has the supreme arrogance that any good cornerback needs. No need to worry about giving up that 50 yard touchdown pass to put DC up by two scores- Namor doesn't give up 50 yard touchdown passes. The only concern is that he starts to lose power the longer he's out of water. So keep those fluids coming, guys!

Strong safety- Wolverine
5'3", 300 lbs

Wolverine might be a step slow at safety, but he's a perfect fit for this defense. He's tough as nails. A superb natural athlete.. He has a nose for the ball. And with a skeleton laced with adamantium, you best believe any receiver that crosses over the middle is going to get nailed like he's never been nailed before. And with twelve inch adamantium claws, it will literally be like getting nailed. Ouch. Hope someone here knows meta-human First Aid!

Free safety- Beast
5'11", 402 lbs

If you combined Einstein's mental capacities with LeBron James' freakish athletic gifts, you would probably end up with someone like the Beast. Although looking at this picture, I'm assuming that you dropped a Smurf in there too, and maybe Hello Kitty. But anyways Beast is an amazingly gifted athlete who is also one of the smartest minds in the Marvel U. I see your play-action, DC, and raise you some enzyme catalyzed reductions and an interception. Boo-yah.

Defensive coordinator- Nick Fury

Nick Fury has an eye-patch and is played on the silver screen by Samuel L. That's all you need to know. And because Nick is such a secretive guy, that's pretty much all you get to know. Oh dear, I've said too much.
Come back on Wednesday to check out the DC Stars roster- starting with their high-octane offense led by....STAY TUNED!

PICS- Iron Man- http://heightslibrary.org/wordpress/undeadrat/wp-content/uploads/2008/12/ironmanondvdfull1.jpg
Iron Man 2- http://fcdn.filmonic.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/07/iron-man-2-dvd.jpg
Iron Giant- http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51R222WH7SL._SL500_AA300_.jpg

Healing Neen

2011-10-06T15:01:00.001-04:00

Last week at work, one of my co-workers brought in a video about trauma-centered care. The name of the video is Healing Neen,and I must say it was intense, depressing, uplifting, and oh-my-gosh-I'm-a-terrible-human-beingy all at once.

The video- I'm not sure if I should call it a documentary or a movie...I think it's a documentary- centers around Tonier Cain. I won't give too much of it away, because I think everyone should see it (especially those in the human service field), but suffice it to say that this woman went through some amazingly horrible crap as a child- the kind of stuff that you think only happens on Lifetime movies.

Like many wayward souls, Tonier channeled all of the wrong done to her and turn it into a romp through the system. Drug use. Prostitution. Homelessness. 83 arrests. 66 convictions. If it wasn't so illegal, it'd be impressive. Those are video game numbers. That is, if they made a video game about breaking the law. But surely they would never do such a thing...

As I watched the movie, I kept thinking about how flawed many of the systems in our society are. Even with those I've been a part of that try to help people, there is a focus on fixing superficial symptoms, with the idea that the fixes will sink in and help the person to have a better chance to 'get along' in life. Kind of like how we wrap up dog crap in boxes and give it to other people as Christmas presents. Um, Mom, I hope you're not reading this. I don't want to spoil the surprise.

Before I get too far, I'm not suggesting that trauma is a sort of "Get out of jail free" card, or that it enables people to do what they want. I'm all about accountability, and I think that rules and laws are there for a reason (although, I suppose if I wanted to venture out deep into conspiracy theory territory, I could talk about how rules and laws keep us from...nah, I won't go there). Besides, I can't say for sure that every person who commits a crime has undergone some sort of trauma (although it wouldn't surprise me to find out that the number was very, very high.

Tonier has worked her way out of a life of incarceration to become a very successful career woman, traveling around as a public speaker about trauma-focused care. At one point during the movie, she talked about the idea of someone looking at her as an inmate and being able to see her as she is now. It is quite a powerful sentiment- being able to look at someone and see them for the potential they hold, not for their accomplishments to date.

Unfortunately, the way things are set up now, those types of moments rarely get realized. One of the reasons that Tonier's story stands out is because it's so rare. I don't mean to take anything away from her- to go from what she went through (and I really stress here- YOU SHOULD SEE THIS MOVIE...I MEAN DOCUMENTARY) to being where she is today is no small feat, and I do not doubt that she has earned her "stripes" so to speak. I just think that she stands out largely because she was able to rise above circumstances that tend to keep most people locked into their situations.

As a society, the rules and laws often serve to promote a virtual caste system. It's easier to ignore the pain and hurt that people are dealing with when they are dealing with that hurt and pain in social unacceptable measures. It gives us convenient labels to place on people that help ease our consciences so that we don't have to feel too guilty for turning our backs on the helpless of society. Make their issues into moral failings- and then we can justify our self-righteousness as we cry out for the blood of the sinners.

I do believe in the idea that each person has inherent worth because they are people. Sometimes I struggle to live out that belief- it's just easier to believe that everyone's failings are a product of their own flawed humanity and are not the desperate cries for help from someone who has no one. But until I (and those like me) can consistently look at my fellow man for their inherent worthfulness and not as obstacles to be stepped over, then stories like Tonier's will continue to be the exception and not the rule.

PICS-Grand Theft Auto- http://static.wikigta.org/en/images/thumb/7/79/Grand-Theft-Auto-Series.jpg/400px-Grand-Theft-Auto-Series.jpg
Saints Row 2- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saints_Row_2
Bulletproof- http://images.mmosite.com/answer/dict/upload/2009/08/03/6d6b5526d065f1ad961a1c740a2896b7.jpg
True Crime- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/True_Crime:_New_York_City
Mercenaries 2- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mercenaries_2:_World_in_Flames

Marvel vs. DC- The Marvel Machine (offense)

2011-10-05T14:36:00.003-04:00

One of the advantages of being a stay-at-home dad is that I get put into inspirational situations that might not occur if I was a working man with kids in daycare. The other day, in the process of playing with my children, I found myself holding a Spider-man toy and a little killer whale toy. I tucked the killer whale under Spider-man's arm, like a football. Being a man who loves football and comics, I started to think about which comic characters would be good at what football positions. If you thought it was ridiculous that I wrote so much about my Fantasy Football teams, then you should probably just skip this blog and tune in later in the week, when I may or may not write about something that actually holds meaning in the real life.

I put together 2 teams- one for Marvel (the Marvel Machine) and one for DC (the DC Stars). I'll be analyzing each player in their role on the team. Each squad will also have a head coach and offensive/defensive coordinators. Please don't tell me this is a waste of time- this is the essence of life, brother!

Here's the starters for the Marvel offense. All information taken from marvel.com. All photographs taken from comicvine.com.

Quarterback- Captain America
6'2", 220 lbs

Stevo here might not have the most physical gifts in the Marvel U, but he makes up for it by having one of the few documented throwing arms in comics- and leadership that is off the charts. If I'm down by a touchdown in the fourth quarter, I want someone behind center who can inspire the troops to rise above their circumstances- not to mention someone I know can actually throw a football.


Running back- Black Panther 6', 200 lbs

Black Panther might seem like an upset pick at running back- but with his combination of speed, quickness, agility, and a suit that absorbs the kinetic energy of oncoming tacklers, Black Panther is a great asset to this Machine team. Besides, anyone could run through the holes that this guy will be opening up...

Fullback- Juggernaut
9'5", 1900 lbs

When somebody's shtick is "Cannot be stopped while moving", you have to find that person a way to run the football. Think 'Refrigerator Perry' if Perry was an actual refrigerator. I like Juggernaut at fullback because whether he's toting the ball or just blasting the hole for Black Panther, he's going to be taking defenders to the hospital- probably in black bags, to be put in the hospital refrigerator. That's what I call the circle of life, friends.

Wide receiver- Nightcrawler
5'9", 161 lbs

Let's forget all about his time in the Munich circus, the natural agility, and the quickness in space. The dude can teleport. From here to there, in an instant. BAMF. All that other stuff is just icing on the cake- Nightcrawler is a match-up nightmare. Sure, he has to be able to see where he's going. But I'm pretty sure that's not going to be an issue on the football field, what with it's tons of open space. I realize that Nightcrawler doesn't always have that luxury.

Maybe we should run at least a few normal routes. Just to be safe, ya know?

Wide receiver- Mr. Fantastic
6'1" (variable), 180 lbs

The perfect possession wide receiver. Think about it- variable height/arm length, so you just throw it up there, and he's going to get it. The intelligence to find the soft spots in the zone. Sure, he's probably slow afoot- but you don't need to be Ted Ginn, Jr. when you can just stretch your arms to wherever the ball is. And you don't need to have Larry Fitzgerald hands when you can just make your paws big enough to swallow the football whole. Blocking? How would you break through a wall of silly putty?

Tight end- Giant Man
6', 185 lbs (variable)

My affinity for versatility betrays itself with this pick. With his special Pym Particles to help him shrink to ant size or grow to 30+ feet tall, Giant Man can either play the role of third WR or huge, hulking TE- often combining multiple roles on the same play. Did I mention he's a genius? Nothing like trying to cover a three-story building that is all of a sudden an insect and then all of a sudden becomes a three-story building again...in the back of the endzone. With the ball. In your face.

Tackle- Groot
Very Variable

Who better to protect your quarterbacks blindside than a walking, talking tree who wants to take over the world? I'm a little worried that he might be a little too stiff legged (zing) but I'm guessing if he gets those big 'ol log-mitts into your shoulder pads at all, you're going to be rooted in place (badumCRASH). Sorry about the bad jokes- I'm trying to branch out (oh stop it stop it!!!).

Guard- Volstagg
6'8", 1425 lbs

The guy is on the team if for no other reason than he ensures that the post-game spread is going to be a feast fit for an almost-god. Of course, there's a good chance he'll devour it before anyone else gets so much as a chicken wing. But there's more to like about Volstagg than just his traveling catering team. Weight about as much as an entire normal-human offensive line, Volstagg moves well enough to be able to pull out on sweeps, and get to the second and third levels on run plays. Not sure if he has the endurance to actually do that, but the theory is sound.


Center- Hercules 6'5", 325 lbs

Okay, so maybe a drunken wrestler deity isn't the best choice to be handling the O-line calls. But the alternative was Mephisto. Say what you want about Hercules, but no way in hell I'm trusting anything to the god of lies. No offense, Mephisto. Besides, Hercs background in wrestling will serve him well in the trenches. And he just looks so cute there next to those other behemoths!


Guard- Thing 6', 500 lbs

Sort of a no-brainer choice, Thing has the strength and toughness that any team wants with an interior lineman. I don't know how much he'll be pulling, but I can't think of too many guys I'd want to run a short yardage play behind.

Tackle- Absorbing Man
6'4, 365 lbs (variable)

Quick question- it's not considered holding if you don't technically "grab" the jersey, right? Because I'm just picturing Absorbing Man getting his hands onto the pads of the guy he's blocking (legally, of course) and just...well, just sort of 'absorbing' his hands onto the opponents jersey. It's hard to rush the passer when you've suddenly carrying around an extra 365 variable pounds of offensive tackle.

Special Teams:


Kicker/Punter- Bullseye 6', 175 lbs

I'm pretty sure that there are tons of folks in comic books that have super strong legs. But in a comic book football game, you don't need a strong leg as much as you need a leg that can accomplish what you need it to accomplish every single time. Field position will be paramount. Points are of the essence. So you need a field goal kicker who can make all of his kicks fly true and a punter whose coffin corner punts always hit the sweet spot inside the five. So naturally, you take a sociopath who can turn any object into a weapon and is renowned for his deadly accuracy.

Kick/punt returns- Nightcrawler and Juggernaut. Yo. The choice is obvious.

Head coach- Professor Xavier

In addition to being a brilliant tactician and a well-spoken motivator, Xavier can do two things that every football coach should be able to do but that few can.

1) He can read minds. Even if he decides to not read the minds of the DC players, he'll be able to read the minds of his own. He'll know which of his players is in the zone, which of his players stayed out partying too late last night, and which of his players just peed his pants. Sure, Cerebro is a little unwieldy to have on the side-lines- but no more unwieldy than say, Andy Reid.

2) He can make people do what they don't want to do. It's called mind control, sweet heart, and this ain't for the faint of heart- this is football, dammit! Black Panther, I know some of those D-Linemen look like they want to literally eat you for lunch, but you will....run....in...thhhhhee....crap, lost the connection. And my starting running back.

Offensive coordinator- Loki

The DC defense is going to likely be able to match the Marvel offense in physical acumen- so the play calling needs to keep the defense off balance. Who better to be in charge of setting up the Marvel game plan the the God of Mischief? I for one would love to see what kinds of trick plays the guy who plots to steal the Odin-power could come up with. Flea flickers? Statue of Liberty? Quintuple reverse? Ah, you think too small, friends!

Tune in Friday for the Marvel Machines Defense!

9 yard versus 0 yard analysis

2011-10-03T14:16:00.002-04:00

One of my primary frustrations with Fantasy Football is what I like to call The 9 Yard Phenomenon. I'm sure this has been discussed ad nauseum by people that get paid to write about Fantasy Football, but....hold on. You mean that people get paid to write about Fantasy Football? There is a sector of the market that revolves around people writing about a fake sport? I want in on this action!!!!

So what is the 9 Yard Phenomenon, you ask? It involves two things- statistics and irrational frustration, and the interplay between the two.

In Fantasy Football, players accumulate points based on their statistical performance. For example, every ten yards that a player totes the football he scores 1 Fantasy point. Quarterbacks get 1 point for every 25 yards of passing. Players can earn additional points if they achieve certain milestones- 100 yards rushing/receiving, 300+ yards passing, etc. I realize that some leagues might score differently, but I don't play in those leagues. So they don't count. Heck, they don't even exist. You can probably see where this is headed.

If you have ever played Fantasy Football, you have surely had a player end up with (blank)ty-nine yards, thus costing you a point. I'm also assuming at that point you subject themselves to a degree of self-loathing and frustration due to being thisclose to having scored that point. There is an exponential increase in self-loathing frustration the closer the score of your current weeks' game is.

Early this season, back when I was thinking a little more rationally than I am now (I mean, come on- does anybody else really worry about Dallas Clark somehow scoring 50+ points in a game for the comeback win? He'd have to have like 300 yards receiving and 4 TDs- with Curtis Painter as his quarterback...) I wondered about the prevalence of the 9-yard phenomenon (...Hey Lord, it's me again...). That is, are (blank)ty-nine yard games anymore common than games where the player lands square on the multiple of ten? Or does it just seem like they do because of the way our brains are wired?

I hypothesize that they occur at roughly the same frequency- it's just that once a player has crossed the threshold then we don't worry about it anymore. He has the point in the bag, so now we just hope he doesn't lose yardage or worse: fumble (-2 points).

So here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to go through the game summaries of the last two seasons worth of regular season games, analyzing the performance of each offensive player (I don't want to figure out defense- that's just too hard. Defense might win championships, but it also puts me to sleep). I will figure out per week the number of players who had yardage that ended with a 9 (or for quarterbacks, 99/24/49/74), as well as players who landed spot on the 0 (25/50/75 for QBs). I was thinking of doing 8 and 1, but I decided against it. After all, I'm doing this for posterity. If ESPN wants to pony up the dough, then I'll consider it.

I'll figure out how many players had stats each week at each way to pick up yardage (Pass/Rush/Receiving). Then I'll list how many of those had a '9' and how many had a '0' (with relevant markers for QBs). I'll even break it down home and away. How's that for service- and I'm not even getting paid!

In addition to the total frequency of occurrence for 9 versus 0, I'll be keeping an eye out for the relationship of home/away prevalence and how the progression of the season affects yardage. Do stats men give home players those few extra inches? Do referees get lazier with their ball spotting as the season goes on?

I can't say, friends. But the numbers can.

Is this a colossal waste of time? Yes. Will anyone who plays Fantasy Football read it, process it, and internally recite it when the nagging frustration starts to kick in? Probably not. But like the dude and the starfish and the death, I'm just hoping that my labor of love will somehow, someway make a difference in one persons life- especially if that person is me.

I'll be posting my findings next weekish. It would be sooner, but I have lots of other things to do. After all, I'm not getting paid for this.

The most uninteresting segment in the world

2011-10-01T12:34:00.001-04:00

I just got done watching a segment on College Football Gameday that was so atrociously bad that I am purposefully breaking my writing sabbath to rake it over the coals. Yeah. It was that bad.

The feature revolved around Baylor University quarterback Robert Griffin III. Griffin the Third is the next Peyton Manning for all I know- but from the amount of effort it appeared that they put into the spot, he might as well be the next Cooper Manning.

No no, I'm totally fine with the fact that I developed spinal stenosis while both my brothers went on to lucrative, Super Bowl-MVP winning careers in the NFL. I love living in New Orleans and trading energy. I don't blame God at all...

They led into it by telling us how much of a 'free spirit' Griffin is. The actual spot borrowed the Most Interesting Man motif, right down to the music, grainy film quality, and the narrator- or maybe it's his brother who apparently has some Pharyngeal disorder. I liked your first story better. No offense to RG3, but if he truly is the most interesting man in college football then the NCAA has a personality crisis that goes far beyond the mere lack of knowledge of the Force.

Let's review the list of qualities that ESPN felt qualified Griffin 3.0 to be "The Most Interesting College Football Man":

Might be the fastest quarterback in the history of football- Hey this isn't the dark ages. Might be? Why settle for woulda/coulda/shoulda? We could actually find this out! Simply run all of the quarterbacks in history through a series of speed drills, use a complicated mathematical formula to plug the numbers into, and voila- we could know for sure. But don't try to sell us on speculative qualities- we get enough of that crap from Washington.

Participated in the US Olympic trials- as a 17 year old- Nadia Comăneci scored a perfect 10.0 on the uneven bars during the 1976 Actual Olympics. At 14 years old. So basically there have already been kids doing what he did except they did it better and younger.

Graduated early from high school and college- Well that's certainly quite a feat, but I'm sure there are tons of students that have accomplished that. It either means he is really smart or took really easy classes, or some combination of the two. I'm not sure if that makes him Most Interesting. Or even marginally interesting. Most smart people tend to be boring, and if he just took easy classes, then he probably doesn't have a very wide knowledge base from which to draw his topics of conversation.

Wears goofy socks- I suppose that's pretty interesting. I admire a man who can wear kids socks and get away with it. What really makes this interesting is that Griffin said that each pair of socks "has a story". Yes Robert, I'll bet they do. Let's explore some of those stories, shall we?

Once, when I was a kid, there was Sesame Street, and this blue monster and he just ate cookies. HAHAHAHAHA

Once, a booster bought me a smart phone...um, I mean, my mom bought me a smart phone, and there was these Angry Birds, and they killed pigs. HAHAHAHAHAHA

Once, when I was a kid, there was a dog, and he was stupid but everybody thought he was a great detective. HAHAHAHAHA

Once, when I was a kid, I learned the dangers of toxic waste thanks to these turtles that turned into pizza-eating ninjas. HAHAHAHAHA

Proposed to his girlfriend using a song that he wrote- Thank you, breath of fresh air. Proposing to your girlfriend using an original song has probably never been done. Ever. Oh wait, what's that? There was a guitar involved? Woah! I've never heard of that sort of thing happening. Sorry Girlfriend, I was incapacitated by the sheer overwhelming sensation of all the innovation and I didn't catch what you said. You mean he proposed while you were walking on the football field????? Who could have ever imagined a football player proposing on a football field????? While singing a song- that he wrote!!!!! That is just too cutting edge. My brain can't process this much creativity in one sitting. I need to go lie down.

He has thrown more touchdown passes than incompletions so far this year- Please. That's just a statistical anomaly. Sure, it's interesting- but that's not something that makes Gryffindor himself more interesting, because technically any quarterback could have accomplished that. I mean, Peyton Manning could have done that- would that have made him the most interesting man in college football- or any demographic, for that matter?

Actually...

I'm sure that Robert Griffin III is a very interesting guy. But I think that because of individual make-up of each person, from their unique genetic structure to their environmental influence, everybody is interesting in their own way. I just wish that ESPN would have made a little more effort to make Robert Griffin III feel like a really unique individual, instead of telling us he was off-the-charts interesting and then showing him putting on kids socks (which is only mild-to-moderately interesting) and listing off a series of accomplishments that happen all the time.

PIC- Cooper- http://www.sptimes.com/2004/11/07/images/large/C_1_cooper2_197601_1107.jpg

Cookie Monster- http://i.ebayimg.com/t/12-24M-SESAME-STREET-BLUE-INFANT-SOCKS-COOKIE-MONSTER-/05/!BuHOHu!!mk~$%28KGrHqQH-DQEv0t1byytBL-+BT7D3w~~_35.JPG
Angry birds- http://www.quertime.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/07/red_yellow_green_black_angry_birds_socks.jpg
Ninja turtles- http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/41Q1rDMQBQL._SL500_AA300_.jpg
Scoobie doo- http://assets.lolquiz.com/4b2e384591513.jpg
Peyton- http://c553622.r22.cf2.rackcdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/02/p1_manning2.jpg