The Top Ten
10)Richard Milhous Nixon - 'He's a Mil-hous'...sing it to the Commodore's 'Brick House'- Guaranteed you won't be able to a)shake that song for the rest of the night b)not substitute Milhous in for brick house. Yeah, it's THAT catchy.
9)Franklin D. Roosevelt- Dynasy. Dominant. Delano. Nobody really knows what the D stands for, which only adds to the mystery of the enduring president. I mean, this guy was president for 12 freakin' years! That's amazing! The uncertainty surrounding his middle initial was enough for him to even overcome a sucky first name, which is no small feat.
8)Warren Gamaliel Harding- Became slightly famous for hiring a newspaper lad to whack Thomas R. Kerrigan across the knee. Also, Gamaliel is very close to Gallileo and Gamma...in fact, it is as though Gallileo and Gamma were forcibly merged into one in a freak reactor malfunction of some type.
Look at the bright side, Tanya- you went from being a terrible figure skater who nobody knew to a terrible person that was famous!
7)Barack Obama- The only problem I have with Barack Obama is that if you play one of those 'How many words can you spell from Such and Such a word' games with 'Barack Obama is not Osama Bin Laden', one of the names you can spell is Osama Bin Laden, and that is just way too close of a tie for me. Liberals will be quick to point out that you can do the same with 'George Bush bends over to wade in the mucky lake a'. All I can say is that they have a good point.
6)Ulysses Simpson Grant- Grant was a rock star war general turned president. While he sucked as a president (at least according to wikipedia-actually, I just made that up, I didn't check wikipedia, but it's funny to cite wikipedia as a 'source'), he makes for interesting fodder in the six degrees game- Simpson, Homer, Iliad, Ulysses...Okay, so the four degrees game, but still he rocks it out.
'Guys, I'm not so sure this is such a good idea...'
5)Martin Van Buren- There is one thing that I have learned growing up- never mess with people that have 'Van' or 'Von' as a middle name (or an appendage of the last name, either way it's dangerous). Jean-Claude Van Damme, Van Halen, Vincent Van Gogh, Victor Von Doom, Ludwig Van Beethoven, Dick Van Dyke, Rip Van Winkle, Vin Diesel, ____ Van Morrison...those people all walk around sweating drops of awesome and cannot be killed by ordinary means.
4)James Knox Polk- I can just imagine the cabinet meetings, some smart mouth intern...poke- poke- poke (giggle giggle)
3)Abraham Lincoln- The only president to be named after a a county, city, a car, my street, a toy, an electric company, a nonsecretarian university, a yet-to-be released Stephen Spielberg movie, a cathedral, a financial firm, and finally, a patriarch. This guy knew how to party!
2)John Fitzgerald Kennedy- Besides being the most handsome president (although Obama does have the firepower to compete with the big dogs here, we haven't had a very good group of handsome commanders-in-chief), Kennedy cemented his name as the #2 coolest with just three letters- JFK. I mean, WHOA! That's liquid sweetness, right there- to be known world-wide, not by your first or last names, or even a nickname, but by three letters...Unfortunately JFK was just not able to get over the hump and take over the top spot.
So with that, the number one, coolest named president is.....
Drum roll...
1) Dave- Ahh, some of you must not know your American history very well. Dave was president in 1993- well, BILL was president in 1993, until he had a stroke, and Dave (the look-alike) had to take over. Something very similar happened in Vantage Point, except they sent the look-alike in first, and the look-alike got gunned down by an automated sniper rifle. Otherwise, they're very similar plot lines and true storyness.
So you may say, this was a 'movie', and therefore not 'real'. Well, friends, given the proven track record that Hollywood has with being honest, and never lying/stretching details, I would ask that you merely check your selfish and vain ambition at the door, and humbly ask for Dave's apology. For Dave is very real- otherwise, would they have made such a movie? I don't think so.
What JFK is to letters, Dave is to monosyllabic names. Listen to it roll of your tongue...D A V E
It is powerful yet tender, brave yet afraid, hot yet cold, milk and water, cats and dogs. Dave bridges gaps, reconciles, gives hope, ends wars, gives you what you want for Christmas. There is no name on this list that can compete with Dave. Those that would try will only end up being crushed by the ruthless awesomeness that IS Dave.
Well, there you have it. As usual, not all of you will agree with my list, and as usual, you are wrong. I hope you've enjoyed reading...Next time I might talk about something deep...or else I will rank my favorite Ben and Jerry's flavors (I just love to rank things, by the way). Thanks for reading, toodles!
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