Let's ask the important questions- Which president has the coolest name?

Well, election season is over (Thank God). Congratulations to Barack Obama, Better-luck-next times to Sarah Palin and my 3rd Party candidates. This whole election was a real eye-opener for me. Like, I really started thinking on some deep, deep issues. The economy, the environment, world relations- but the most deepest of all was which president has the coolest name.Obviously Barack Obama has the most different name of all the presidents. But is it the coolest? That is what I will be scientifically discerning in this post.

The Boring- These names are a dime a dozen. Yawn. Next please, comments here will be kept to a minimum, so as to not attract any more attention then humanly necessary. Seriously, I don't want you to fall asleep before you get to the good stuff.

John Adams
John Quincy Adams- Throwing an extraneous 'Quincy' in there doesn't hide that fact that we've already seen this name before.
Thomas Jefferson

James Monroe

James Madison

James Buchanan

Harry S Truman

Andrew Jackson

Andrew Johnson

Benjamin Harrison
William McKinley
William Howard Taft

William Jefferson Clinton

George Washington- George, I cannot tell a lie. You set the tone for centuries of boring names. You might be on the quarter (my favorite piece of money, by the way), but that does not change the fact that I use your name to fall asleep at night. Okay, so I did just tell a lie. But you chopped down your dad's cherry tree. Don't judge me.

The Sucky- These names might be a breath of fresh air on this list if they didn't conjur up images of pocket protecters, Star Trek fans, and high-water pants.

Ronald Wilson Reagan- Maybe if he was Ronald Raiden, he could have overcome sharing a name with a clown. But he's not. So he didn't.

Mr Gorbachev, tear down this wall- or I will zap you with lightning from my ninja hands. Also, I'd like a number 6 with coke.

Herbert Clark Hoover- It's fitting that Hoover is also a vacuum cleaner line, because the name Herbert just sucks.

Chester Alan Arthur- It is pretty bad when you have three names and they are all lame.

Woodrow Wilson- Woodrow? Woodrow? Why not, 'Treerow'? Or, 'Forestrow'? Or, 'Hedgerow'? Even 'Deathrow'. Any of these would have been better than Woodrow.
Calvin Coolidge

Theodore Roosevelt- Sure, you can call him 'Teddy' like you know him, but the fact remains that his mother cursed him to eternal dorkness by naming him 'Theodore'.

Hi, my name is Theodore...more like TheoDORK!

Franklin Pierce- Ah, Franklin. It's as if the names Frank and Lynn got married, and then spent the rest of their lives being annoying.

Dwight David Eisenhower- Dwight loses points for having a nickname (Ike) that has nothing to do with his real name. 2 things here- 1) If your name is only 1 syllable, you should not have a nickname. "Hi my name is Dwight, but you can call me Ike for short". Doesn't work. 2) There needs to be some relationship between your real name and your nickname. Jimmy Carter, Bill Clinton, those work fine. There is no 'Ike' in 'Dwight'. Really, come on now!
Lyndon Baines Johnson- Lyndon is a girls name. Next.

The Potential- These guys were THIS close to making it to the top ten, before tripping at the finish line- or the Finnish line, whichever came first.

James Abram Garfield- As much as I love a big, fat, orange lasagna-loving cat, I can't move ol' Jimbo into the top 10 because 'James' is the absolute most common president name. Now if his name would have been 'Jon'...well, that would have been amazing.

George Herbert Walker Bush- 4 names might seem to be a bit excessive, and 2 of those names (George/Herbert) are boring/sucky. So what gives Bush #1 the edge here? Look for yourself:

A certain Texas Ranger named...oh, I don't know...WALKER...

Chuck Norris fact: In ancient China there is a legend that one day a child will be born from a dragon, grow to be a man, and vanquish evil from the land. That man is not Chuck Norris, because Chuck Norris killed that man.

George W. Bush- George. Seen it. Bush. Been there. So what gives? Well, I'll tell ya- it's the W. W as a middle nomiker is a powerful, powerful thing. It makes ordinary men great, and great men more great. Think about this- Michael W. Smith, John W. Booth, Walt W. Disney, Michael W. Jordan, Wayne W. Gretzky, Joe W. Montana, WMD...the list goes on and on.

The next four are combined, like the powers of Captain Planet (I don't count 'heart' as a power...that's almost as lame as Captain Planets mullet).

William Henry Harrison
John Tyler

Zachary Taylor
Millard Fillmore- You might be thinking, 'William? John? MILLARD? What is going on here? Or you might be thinking, 'I'm bored. I wonder if Alf is on...' Well, either way, let me explain- these four were chosen because of the dynasty that they represent- the Whig dynasty. From 1841 to 1853, the Whig party was a political powerhouse, winning 3 out of 4 elections (Harrison died in office). Then, just as mysteriously as it appeared, the Whig party disappeared, like dandelion seeds into the wind. It is currently residing in Mexico, and is known as 'El guapo'.

It's a sweater!

Gerald Rudolph Ford Jr - Despite having a stupid first name, and sharing a middle name with a reindeer, Ford makes the list for one reason- he played football at U of M. Hail to the victors, baby!

James Earl Carter- This is the classic case of abusing a nickname. Jimmy would have earned higher points if he would have just stuck to James, and changed his last name to 'Jones'. Also , if he could speak in a beautiful bass voice and be Darth Vader.

Grover Cleveland- This guys was so FREAKING close to making it to the top ten- Grover is an amazing name, and in fact might be the most amazing first name in all of presidenthood. But I cannot in good consciousness give my blessing to anyone who associates with Cleveland and their vile existance.

Rutherford Birchard Hayes- Let this one sink in a little. Birchard. Birchard. Birchard. While Ruthorford held him out of the top ten like a millstone around your neck in a swimming pool, Birchard is the name that keeps on giving and giving. Birchard. Birchard. Birchard.

Wow, I'm going hog wild on this one! It's been tons of fun, fo' shizzle! Tune in next time, as I unveil THE TOP TEN COOLEST PRESIDENTS NAMES OF ALL TIME UP UNTIL NOW!