Black Hole Friday- A Love Story

There are moments in a person's life where they can point to a change or transformation where they rose above the ruckus and ascended to a sort of 'higher' level of existence. Maybe it is coming into manhood. Possibly the birth of a child. Some people find some sort of mystical medallion that grants them magic powers.

This blog is not about any of that. This blog is about a dude (namely, me) who went Black Friday shopping for the first time yesterday- well, technically today. Black Friday has power to warp the perception of time.

I'm not sure how, or why I was persuaded to go Black Friday shopping- after all, I've managed to live through 30+ years of existence without being sucked into the universal emptiness that is Black Friday. (oh wait, I remember. Sara told me that I needed to go. Happy wife trumps happy sleepy time)

I imagine that the mental preparation of Black Friday is akin to that of a professional football team. You have to formulate a good game plan (here, let me see that Wal-mart ad). You have to manage your time well (Wal-mart at 12 am, Kohls at 3 am). You have to be patient (how long are we going to be waiting in line?). And finally, you have to attack the defense at its weakest point (there's the DVDs. I think I can muscle through that dude).

So we decided to attack Wal-mart first, because they decided to open their Black Friday (most of it) at 12:01 a.m. 12:01? What the hell Wal-mart? So basically you have decided to turn Black Friday into a graveyard shift endeavor. It probably doesn't help that we realized this at 9 o'clock p.m.- so any sort of meaningful sleep was out the window. And if you know me, you know that power naps are synonymous with sissy naps. A real nap should encompass hours. It should take you through a sleep cycle or two.

Why Wal-mart instead of rest? Aside from being a glutton for punishment, Wally world had a great deal on some DVD/Blu-rays (Bourne trilogy for $2 each, Lord of the Rings on Blu-Ray for $10 each), video games (Madden 11 for $29), and a really good deal on a vacuum cleaner. I can sleep every day- I'm not always going to be able to support capitalism like this.

This being my first Black Friday experience, I had NO idea what I was getting into. I knew it would be busy- I mean, humanity is not often prone to excessive exaggerating, so when you hear about Black Friday craziness multiple times from multiple sources, you have to believe it a little bit. But I still had NO idea of what I was getting into.

I thought that there'd be a few people standing around, waiting to snatch up some DVDs. I figured most people would wait until Wal-Mart put out their big electronics stuff at 5 a.m.

I was wrong. Dead wrong.

We got their about 20 minutes before midnight- and the parking lot was full. FULL. Not like, busy- it was FULL. And when we got inside, it was worse- way worse. There were these sacred temples of 12:01 goods set up all over the store, and people were jam packed all around them. Okay- so obviously I underestimated the desire of people to get great deals on stuff that is essentially useless.

Sara and I wandered around for a few minutes, trying to locate the DVDs and video games. Like any type of rational people, we checked the electronics section first. Because that's where they sell DVDs and video games every other day of the year, right?

Naturally, they put the DVDs in the produce section, which we didn't realize until the buzzer sounded and the people began to gut the temples of their precious innards. Frantically, we began to tear through the masses of bodies in order to get to the only thing (other than the vacuum) that we came for- digital Hollywood.

I won't bore you with too many details, other than that we were able to muscle our way in and secure all three of the Lord of the Rings on Blu-Ray (although I had to go back into the lions den when Sara realized that she had grabbed some without the special stickers on them), Madden 11, and 33 percent of the Bourne movies. We also got a real good deal on some avocados.

In the end, the actual experience at Wal-mart was much better than I expected- other than the terrible misdirection and the fact that there was no traffic controller for the people wanting to check out. So we stood in line for over an hour when we probably could have been done in like a half-hour if Wal-mart would have had one or two employees whose only job was to tell people that 'hey, you can go here, because this line is open'. Really I think it's a passive aggressive jab at we, the people. "We have to get up early, and cater to you pricks? Well, you can stand around in line for exorbitant amounts of time for no reason". Well played, Wal-mart, well played.

After a quick (and fairly out of the way) pit stop at Mickey D's for some coffee (which ended up being more trouble than it was worth, thanks to their hot beverage and iced coffee machines being out of order) which ended up with me getting a McFlurry and a Frappe', which is basically like a McFlurry without the ice cream or toppings, we ran to Kohls.

I blame Kohl's for this escalation of Black Friday. This statement is in no way based in any sort of empirical way, but feel free to assume that it is true. See, last year, Kohl's opened at 4 a.m. That's pretty reasonable- I mean, 4 is almost 5, and 5 is a legitimate time in the morning to be awake (at least, that's what society tells us- realistically, I'm not sure any a.m. time should be experienced unless it involves sleep). However, this year Kohl's decided to open at 3.

Do you see where this is going? It's going to be an arms race of Black Friday times. Wal-mart already upped the ante by opening at 12:01. Pretty soon, Black Friday is going to be the Friday before Thanksgiving. It's just ridiculous.

And I would hate to be an employee at one of those places. I have to work when? 3 o'clock? In the morning??? Yeah right. I think that this is what Marx envisioned when he talked about the dictatorship of the proletariat. Eventually, minimum wage workers all over the United States are going to get pissed and do something about it. And then, only then, can Black Friday really be called Black Friday.

But that is not where we're at right now. Right now, we're all lemmings, and so we file into Kohl's at the ungodly hour of 3 a.m. Actually, this was probably the best bad-ass moment of the night (morning?). We got there right at 3, eschewing the traditional waiting in the line. I'm sorry- it's cold out. It's really late (early?). I am not going to stand in line outside just to go inside and stand in another line.

So we start walking in right towards the doors. Rather than keep going to the left and get to the back of the line, we just go right for the door. Screw it, this is Black Friday, and there is no reason to completely adhere to all the social norms, right? Not only that, but a group of us stormed the door that said "Do not use this door". Yeah, that's right- your signs are meaningless to us.

Of course, Kohl's flexed their bourgeoisie muscles by giving the boot to the guy walking around giving out Free Hugs. Thanks for the 3 free hugs Free Hug guy- but I'm not about to give up my spot in line in order to fight for your right to give out free hugs.

Kohls definitely had their crap in order. There were dudes all along the way telling us where to go to stand in line. Which was good, because it was like this long snake-like line all the way through the store. BTW, well played Kohls- we probably spent another $40-$50 as we wound our way through the store waiting in line.

In the end, we wound up with everything that we wanted from Kohls. But I do have something about Kohls that I want to say. It's not exclusive to Black Friday- but it's definitely a Kohls thing.

I have come to realize that Kohls is basically a fancy dollar store. That can be the only explanation for the fact that not only is everything on sale all the time- but they also offer additional coupons (15% off yesterday) and Kohls cash as well ($30). Our cashier told us that we saved like $240 when it was all told.

Yeah right. You think you can mark stuff way up so that you can mark it way down, and then tell me that I saved money? What you mean is that you bamboozled me for goods that I could have secured at any Family Dollar- you just have name recognition, so you can get away with it.

(Note: I do think Kohls has quality items- Their only crime is that they assume that people are stupid.)

(Shut up)

Well, that's about all I have to say about losing my Black Friday virginity. Will I do it again? I'm sure I will. I can see how experience could lead to securing even more and more things that we don't really need at really good prices. And isn't that what Black Friday is all about?