Interesting reading for a Tuesday morning...
First of all, let me just say that you need to read the article before you get on to my blog. Really, most of my hyperlinks are passable (even if they are amazing), but the article is absolutely essential to just knowing what the heck I'm even talking about.
Read it yet? Ugh. Seriously guys, I'm not playing around. Go read it, then come back.
Okay. So now that we're all on the same page, I can commence with my well-thought out, not-shotgunned, and brilliantly executed commentary.
I grew up loving Mitch Albom's writing. As a sports freak who diligently read Dad's copies of the Detroit Free Press to follow the local teams, I had several opportunities to read his work, and I loved it. He was an award winning writer for a Detroit newspaper. That was awesome. It was like being friends with the popular kid in school, except you weren't really friends, you just knew about him and what he did and he didn't know you from Adam. Which, come to think about it, is exactly how my relationships with popular people were.
Why do I give that background info? No reason. Just making small talk. Geez, does everything have to have a reason?
Back to the article that I posted and had you read and then chastised you for not reading- I think Mr. Albom brings up some good points. I believe that parents do serve a very vital part of the early years of their children and their understanding and navigation of the world. I'm not going to sit here and tell the world that I have solved the nature/nurture debate. But having two young children, I do believe that we play a significant role in our children's development- especially in their understanding of gender roles.
I know, I know, gender roles are changing. But there are still some old stand-bys. Woman have kids. Men blow stuff up. Most of the rest is auxiliary. Maybe not most of the rest. My point is that even in the midst of gender upheaval, there are some universal truths. Don't be swayed by isolated cases- there are just some things that our genders are predisposed to.
Whether you feel it is right or wrong, teaching gender roles to our children helps to teach them the boundaries they will need to navigate the very complex and unstable world that they will live in. The human experience is this exponentially unique journey for each and every single person. With an infinite number of chronically shifting facets, gender roles at least give us a foundation upon which we can explore not only the external world- but eventually our internal one as well.
I mean, why are they even worried about pre-school age kids having gender identity crises anyways? Kids aren't able to think abstractly like we are. That means that the notion of gender identity apart from their "private parts" is most likely not a concept that they can grasp. I can understand some ambiguity if the child is born with both male and female anatomy. Again though, that's one of those 'exception vs. rule' things. By and large, most kids either have the peg or the hole. Sorry folks- I should have warned you that we're in the grown up zone now. We will be talking about adult things in an adult way.
All that said, I do feel like much of his argument is setting up a straw man. Albom goes off on tangents about letting a child "decide to change its own diaper....[or] decide when to do a feeding...". Now it is true that I haven't read the story or article that he refers to. I don't know, maybe they are these super "progressive" parents that allow their children to make all the choices which would make Albom's hypothetical situations more applicable. But I'm operating on the assumption that he is using these examples in the context of gender roles. And so he is way out in left field somewhere. But that's okay class- I got this. I got this.
Also, I have to admit that in some ways, it is admirable that the parents have such a view on the defining of our identity based largely on our gender. So much of who we are is decided by external forces around us- forces that we are usually ignorant of. It seems that these people are trying to allow their children to grow up without external pressures or ideas- or at least to keep those things to a minimum. I like the idea of children growing up with their own paint brushes and their own ideas to paint on their own canvas. It's naive, yes, but it's the type of idealism that I can almost sorta stand behind.
It is so easy to fall into the gender role trap. Not only are there the preconceived notions that we have about how to teach the role of man or woman to our children, but there are also societal expectations and cultural phenomenon (such as clothes, toys, television, etc.) that tend to herd us in one direction or another. It's no accident that my daughter loves pink and My Little Ponies. And my son plays with cars and pretends to be a sumo wrestler. Because that's what little girls and little boys do.
Then we hit adolescence and young adulthood and we realize that we really don't know who we are. So much of what we have clung to in the past is either vanished or drastically changed, and we find ourselves strewn on the rock of identity. Middle school is hell, because it's hundreds of hormonally driven youngsters all trying to forge these new identities at the same time. There are bound to be casualties. There is bound to be collateral damage. Maybe this couple from Toronto is trying to help their children get a head start, to go through these painful times while under the protective umbrella of their parents. So they'll be the Zen kids in sixth grade that tell the other kids when to wax on and when to wax off.
Of course, those parents are wrong. The father said that he feels it is "obnoxious" that parents make "so many choices for their children". But that is part of the parent role, isn't it? Children don't have all the information. Not right away, at least- it isn't til they hit 7 or 8 where they really have a complete understanding of how the world works. I mean, if we just allowed our children to make their their own choices, we might as well just let them be feral children. Right? Isn't part of our job to be "obnoxious"?
Children do not grow up in a vacuum. Every society has a structure. Within that structure, we all have roles. We don't know those roles when we arrive on the scene- we have to be taught. Teaching implies that there is one party knows and the other party doesn't. Parents have a responsibility in our society to help their children to learn the ropes. Sometimes that means we let them make terrible decisions and help them pick up the pieces. Sometimes that means we put our foot down and make decisions for them. And sometimes that means we put our foot down and make terrible decisions for them and then let them figure out how to pick up the pieces.
Making a choice for our children now doesn't mean that choice is written in stone. You can steer them in a direction and allow them to take the wheels from there. We make choices for our children- but we acknowledge our own shortcomings, and we give them the freedom to explore- but it is within a foundation built on structured roles and expectations. So parents, don't be afraid to parent. Your child might not thank you for it now, or later. But it's the right thing to do. On that, I agree with Mr. Albom wholeheartedly.
No comments:
Post a Comment