YWL: Season 1, Week 1

These are the highlights of Week 1.  Let's see how this goes, shall we?  Victor is in bold.   

WCW:

Michael Jackson vs Tim Tebow. I don't know if this is going to be a feud or like a wrestling one-night stand. You know, like a 'Hey, I wrestle. You wrestle. We both need a match. Why don't we just wrestle each other?'-type of hook up. It'd be a cool feud though. Nay, it would be a HIStorical feud.  Get it?  HIStorical?  Because Michael Jackson has a CD named HIStory...and their feud would be historohnevermind 
 
In the end, Michael Jackson defeated God's H-back via submission.  Yes, you read that correctly. 

This guy...

...made this guy tap out.  Who says video game wrestling isn't real?

Empire (Of Pain) vs Avengers
If this doesn't become a full-blown feud, then gosh darn it I'm going to make it one.  Let us count the reasons why: 
1) It's a tag team of freaking Sith Lords and they come into the ring to the Imperial march, which is only one of the baddest assest pieces of film score ever.
2) It's a tag team of the freaking Avengers, or at least the cool ones.
3) It's freaking destined to be.

So....that's like 3 reasons why.  But that's like, 300% more reasons than I have for most of the things that I do.

These tag team entrances are the greatest thing ever, if I do say so myself.  As mentioned, you have the two coolest Sith Lords ever, Imperially marching up the aisles to a raining cascade of kayfabe boos while the Avengers come out with Captain America riding in a jeep and waving the American flag while exhorting the crowd to stand up and get their 'Americuh' on.   

Pictured: Getting your 'Americuh' on

Shane and I played against each other for this match, so whoever he picked was going to win.  But even though the Avengers have to win in the end (it's in the wrestling by-laws), my hope is that the Empire (Of Pain) will be able to assert themselves as a dominant heel force in the Tag Team division.

Beth Phoenix vs One of the Bella twins
A couple of real wrestlers, albeit female ones.  Not that females can't be real wrestlers, I just...(shutting up).  Really the only reason that I kept any of the Divas (WWE's word, not mine) is because Delaney made her own wrestler and the game won't let girls and guys come to blows in the ring.

If I can wax a bit serious here- I'm not sure what to think about the whole 'women wrestler' thing.  I feel like if it were to be done correctly, it could be empoweringish to women, but in its current state it seems to go about as far as you can in the opposite direction.  That is, they give the girls just enough time to trot out in their skimpy outfits and do their sultry dances for the hornball male viewers and maybe even do a wrestling move or two before getting shuffled off to the back to look pretty in cheesy skits.

Nonetheless, I'm okay with letting Delaney use her created wrestler (for future reference, a CAW) to wrestle some matches in this game.  I do think there is some value in trying to ingrain in her early on that, short of peeing while standing and refusing to ask for directions, there aren't many things that men should have sole propriety over.

Rorschach vs Carnage
This match ended in a draw, thanks to some interference by the Red Hulk, who came hauling out from backstage to deliver a pair of One-handed Spinebusters to the incognizant heroes.

I absolutely love interfering on this game.  With the simple push of the triangle button, you have a Hammy-on-steroids-laced-caffeine way to start a feud or give a desired feud a HUGE boost.  Interference also seems to help wrestlers to quickly climb the championship ranking system.  For example, Rorschach, who in our match today played the part of someone getting spinebusted, actually climbed 26 spots on the WCW Heavyweight belt list.  Meanwhile, Tim Tebow dropped 5 spots.  Although he did lose to a guy who couldn't even out-agonistic Paul McCartney. 

The moral of the story, kids?  There is more honor in getting cheap-shotted by the Red Hulk than there is in being forced to submit to the guy who had sleepovers with Kevin McCallister.

Hulk vs Dolph Ziggler
Ziggler is one of the only real wrestlers in my WCW.  I don't know if it's because he was a member of the Spirit Squad and I'm just overly sympathetic or because of his marvelous hair- but I love this guy.  Plus he stands on his head in the ring- during matches!  I've heard him called a modern day Mr. perfect, and that's a very apt description.  A consummate heel and one of my favorite modern-day wrestlers.

Oh, and did I mention that Super Mario came out about half-way through the match like he was going to team up with the Hulk and then he just NAILED THE HULK RIGHT IN THE GUT!!!  Sort of random, but I'm sort of excited about the potential here.

And after Ziggler finally pinned the Hulk (after two near falls- great, great match), Thor came out to the entrance ramp and intimidatingly stared at Ziggler.  That's why you shouldn't mess with the Avengers...because they will avenge their friends with intimidating stares from across a crowded arena.


Raw is War:

Job Squad vs. New Age Outlaws

Raw is War (seriously thinking about adding a "...spelled backwards" to the title.  Hopefully the system lets me) has many more "real" wrestlers than WCW does, although there's still several created characters in order to keep mine/the kids' interest.  The Job Squad is a team of those guys.  Made up of Homestarrunner and Beavis, they aren't going to winning many titles...or even many matches.  They're just there to rid in on a bike and make the kids chuckle.

Despite their low standing in the company, the Job Squad put up a heck of a fight against one of the better tag teams in the game.  Actually, Beavis did most of the wrestling- I'm not actually sure where Homestarrunner was. 

Lita vs Natalya-
Natalya is exhibit A of the misuse and borderline discrimination by the WWE against the women's wrestlers (really, I'm surprised they couldn't find a more degrading term than "Divas").  A very talented wrestler with a tremendous family pedigree...and yet as recently as last year (maybe more recently, I haven't been paying attention) she was starring in  flatulence spots.  Props to her for making the best of the situation...but I can't imagine a more degrading situation they could have put her in.

Enough about that- back to the YWL.  Lita basically slammed her foe through the barricade and won via countout.    

Raphael vs Rey Mysterio
In a perfect world with more than 50 CAW slots, I would have downloaded all of the Ninja Turtles AND Casey Jones and made them into the most unstoppable stable that wrestling has ever seen.  Unfortunately, I couldn't afford to devote 1/10th of my slots to the TMNT squad- not when I had to save spots for Willie Wonka and Spongebob.  So alas, I had to settle for Raph (my all-time favorite Turtle) with variant costumes of his pizza pals.

As for the match?  Oh.  Well, Rey won.  The highlight though was when Mysterio got up on the top ropes in an attempt to Rope Flip Raph- and ended up completely whiffing on it.  Basically it looked like he tried to do a purposeful cannonball onto the concrete floor.  Nonetheless, he survived that mistake (and Raph's early assaults) to win by pinfall.

Godfather versus The Rock
My initial goal for the YWL was to have as few real life wrestlers as possible, and even fewer matches between real wrestlers.  But I'm purposefully staying with the match cards that the CPU gives me, in hopes that there is sweet payoff down the road.

Godfather won even though I was playing as the Rock.  I was only playing because I wanted to show the kids the People's Elbow...but I ended up doing the Rock Bottom instead.  I'm so sorry children.

Triple H vs. Randy Orton
As of press time, D-X OWNS Raw Is War.  They hold the Tag Team AND World Heavyweight championships.  Coincidentally, I happen to be a member of D-X.  Whoah, that's weird.  How did that happen?

Triple H is the aforementioned World Heavyweight champion.  Randy Orton is one of the top-five contenders for said championship.  So imagine my surprise when Shane O'Mac came out and leveled both guys.  That's about thirty levels of WHAT THE HECK JUST HAPPENED THERE, WWE 13????

First of all, I spent a good amount of time going through and making sure that all of the "inactive" wrestlers didn't have any allies or rivals that were active PRECISELY to avoid this sort of thing.  I didn't download close to 50 comic characters, pop-culture figures, and politicians so that I could watch Vince McMahon's goofy kid come between The Game and The Apex Predator.

Second of all, this.

That concludes the synopses of my main shows.  As part of my schedule, there's also a weekly show called "NXT".  It's basically like a bonus show to help feuds progress and give other wrestlers a chance at the screen...I guess?  So I don't know how I'll approach writing about this show.  At this time, I'll be just documenting the results.  Why?  I don't know.

NXT results:
The Governator defeats Venom
Edward Cullen defeats Homestar
Lita defeats Natalya (again)
Darth Vader defeats Michael Jackson (Potential feud alert- Darth went to give him the 'ol "Good game" hand shake post-match and Michael Jackson slapped it away)
Spider-man defeats Ronald McDonald and Sponge-bob (Spidey did the 'Hey man, great game' hand-raise to Ronald McDonald)

End of the week ranking jumps
The Red Hulk/Carnage/Rorschach interference match paid immediate dividends.  Carnage is now the #2 contender for the WCW Heavyweight title/European championships.  Rorschach jumped from #29 to #3- just for getting jumped!  Red Hulk, meanwhile, went from bottom feeding at #32 to the #5 contender slot. 

On the Raw Is War side, Homestarrunner jumped to #15 in the Heavyweight Championship race (from #32) despite being largely a spectator in The Job Squad's loss to The New Age Outlaws.  I smell a premature push.  The Job Squad did move up five spots to #5 in the Tag Team rankings, although if you think that there's any chance that they get past the Outlaws, the Brothers of Destruction (link), AND the Road Warriors...then I only got TWO. WORDS. FOR YA.

Un likely?

Here's my current champions in each league:

WCW:
WCW Heavyweight Championship- Skeletor
European Championship- Sting
World Tag Team Championship- The Justice League
Divas Championship- Beth Phoenix

Raw Is War:
World Heavyweight Championship- Triple H
Intercontinental Championship- CM Punk
Tag Team Championship- D-Generation X
World's Championship- Delaney

Until next week fellows!

Congratulations! It's a....blank....slate.

Interesting reading for a Tuesday morning...

First of all, let me just say that you need to read the article before you get on to my blog. Really, most of my hyperlinks are passable (even if they are amazing), but the article is absolutely essential to just knowing what the heck I'm even talking about.

Read it yet? Ugh. Seriously guys, I'm not playing around. Go read it, then come back.

Okay. So now that we're all on the same page, I can commence with my well-thought out, not-shotgunned, and brilliantly executed commentary.

I grew up loving Mitch Albom's writing. As a sports freak who diligently read Dad's copies of the Detroit Free Press to follow the local teams, I had several opportunities to read his work, and I loved it. He was an award winning writer for a Detroit newspaper. That was awesome. It was like being friends with the popular kid in school, except you weren't really friends, you just knew about him and what he did and he didn't know you from Adam. Which, come to think about it, is exactly how my relationships with popular people were.

Why do I give that background info? No reason. Just making small talk. Geez, does everything have to have a reason?

Back to the article that I posted and had you read and then chastised you for not reading- I think Mr. Albom brings up some good points. I believe that parents do serve a very vital part of the early years of their children and their understanding and navigation of the world. I'm not going to sit here and tell the world that I have solved the nature/nurture debate. But having two young children, I do believe that we play a significant role in our children's development- especially in their understanding of gender roles.

I know, I know, gender roles are changing. But there are still some old stand-bys. Woman have kids. Men blow stuff up. Most of the rest is auxiliary. Maybe not most of the rest. My point is that even in the midst of gender upheaval, there are some universal truths. Don't be swayed by isolated cases- there are just some things that our genders are predisposed to.

Whether you feel it is right or wrong, teaching gender roles to our children helps to teach them the boundaries they will need to navigate the very complex and unstable world that they will live in. The human experience is this exponentially unique journey for each and every single person. With an infinite number of chronically shifting facets, gender roles at least give us a foundation upon which we can explore not only the external world- but eventually our internal one as well.

I mean, why are they even worried about pre-school age kids having gender identity crises anyways? Kids aren't able to think abstractly like we are. That means that the notion of gender identity apart from their "private parts" is most likely not a concept that they can grasp. I can understand some ambiguity if the child is born with both male and female anatomy. Again though, that's one of those 'exception vs. rule' things. By and large, most kids either have the peg or the hole. Sorry folks- I should have warned you that we're in the grown up zone now. We will be talking about adult things in an adult way.

All that said, I do feel like much of his argument is setting up a straw man. Albom goes off on tangents about letting a child "decide to change its own diaper....[or] decide when to do a feeding...". Now it is true that I haven't read the story or article that he refers to. I don't know, maybe they are these super "progressive" parents that allow their children to make all the choices which would make Albom's hypothetical situations more applicable. But I'm operating on the assumption that he is using these examples in the context of gender roles. And so he is way out in left field somewhere. But that's okay class- I got this. I got this.

Also, I have to admit that in some ways, it is admirable that the parents have such a view on the defining of our identity based largely on our gender. So much of who we are is decided by external forces around us- forces that we are usually ignorant of. It seems that these people are trying to allow their children to grow up without external pressures or ideas- or at least to keep those things to a minimum. I like the idea of children growing up with their own paint brushes and their own ideas to paint on their own canvas. It's naive, yes, but it's the type of idealism that I can almost sorta stand behind.

It is so easy to fall into the gender role trap. Not only are there the preconceived notions that we have about how to teach the role of man or woman to our children, but there are also societal expectations and cultural phenomenon (such as clothes, toys, television, etc.) that tend to herd us in one direction or another. It's no accident that my daughter loves pink and My Little Ponies. And my son plays with cars and pretends to be a sumo wrestler. Because that's what little girls and little boys do.

Then we hit adolescence and young adulthood and we realize that we really don't know who we are. So much of what we have clung to in the past is either vanished or drastically changed, and we find ourselves strewn on the rock of identity. Middle school is hell, because it's hundreds of hormonally driven youngsters all trying to forge these new identities at the same time. There are bound to be casualties. There is bound to be collateral damage. Maybe this couple from Toronto is trying to help their children get a head start, to go through these painful times while under the protective umbrella of their parents. So they'll be the Zen kids in sixth grade that tell the other kids when to wax on and when to wax off.

Of course, those parents are wrong. The father said that he feels it is "obnoxious" that parents make "so many choices for their children". But that is part of the parent role, isn't it? Children don't have all the information. Not right away, at least- it isn't til they hit 7 or 8 where they really have a complete understanding of how the world works. I mean, if we just allowed our children to make their their own choices, we might as well just let them be feral children. Right? Isn't part of our job to be "obnoxious"?

Children do not grow up in a vacuum. Every society has a structure. Within that structure, we all have roles. We don't know those roles when we arrive on the scene- we have to be taught. Teaching implies that there is one party knows and the other party doesn't. Parents have a responsibility in our society to help their children to learn the ropes. Sometimes that means we let them make terrible decisions and help them pick up the pieces. Sometimes that means we put our foot down and make decisions for them. And sometimes that means we put our foot down and make terrible decisions for them and then let them figure out how to pick up the pieces.

Making a choice for our children now doesn't mean that choice is written in stone. You can steer them in a direction and allow them to take the wheels from there. We make choices for our children- but we acknowledge our own shortcomings, and we give them the freedom to explore- but it is within a foundation built on structured roles and expectations. So parents, don't be afraid to parent. Your child might not thank you for it now, or later. But it's the right thing to do. On that, I agree with Mr. Albom wholeheartedly.

Dates (No, this is not an April Fools post. But I think it would be funny if you pretended it was)

I've been chewing on the concept of dating in our society since...well, this morning. And as is my custom, rather than go back into the archives of things that I've wanted to write about in the past, I shall write about something that tickles my fancy at this moment in particular.

We were talking (me and the boys) about an article in our local college newspaper about the increase in cohabitation in the male-female relationship dyad. This led to a discussion (albeit brief, since I had to make it home in time to deliver a fresh, steaming Egg McMuffin to my wife) about the dating phenomenon in our society. And so here I'm going to expound on some of my thoughts a little bit.

Dating- at least from my experience and the romanticized images given to us by our popular culture- is a highly superficial exercise. Style over substance, as it were. We try to put our best foot forward at all times- dressing up in fancy clothes, trying to smell good (which isn't necessarily easy, BTWs), flirting, laughing, staying at a shallow level, keeping our "dirty little secrets" in the closet. We don't even pass gas. Think about that- we are so interested in impressing this other person that we will subject ourselves to willful stomach cramps in order to keep from engaging in what is arguably one of the most pleasant experiences known to man.

Many years ago, the facade of dating wasn't as big of an issue. Gender roles were more clearly defined. Divorce was less socially accepted. Fellas just had to be civilized long enough to get the girl, when they could morph into Man Mode. You know Man Mode, right? Where you come home from work, sit around in a white t-shirt and boxers, drink beer while watching football and having the wives make dinner and stay in the kitchen (while they weren't tending to the children). Rinse and repeat for the next 30-40 years, and you have 1950's marriage. Ah....Man Mode.

But we're not there anymore- the rules have changed. Gender roles are not so clearly defined. Man's stronghold in the domestic realm is not as cemented as it was then. Beer is gross. Football might not even be played. Families order takeout and buy microwavable meals. And the relational restlessness that was previously suppressed by the weight of societal expectation has been set free upon our divorce courts.

That's the main problem with dating in our society. It creates an unrealistic set of expectations that pretty much doom a marriage to spending the first couples years adjusting to the shock and awe that 'Oh my goodness- this dude is not the same guy I dated'- if the marriage makes it that long.

I'm not the first to point it out- and even as long ago as the early 2000s, when I begrudgingly read I Kissed Dating Goodbye (which I still feel was a scam because the author came out with another book a year or so later and was married. Yeah, obviously you kissed dating goodbye- because you were already hooked up!), it was an issue that I was aware of. But I have different lenses now, that I see this issue through. Mainly that means that I can throw around bigger words and have anecdotes to back up my outrageous and generalized claims. Think of them as Life Bi-focals.

The dating game is guided heavily by positive feelings that are stirred up by two persons who are making concentrated efforts to be attractive. Biologically, we see this play out in many species. Mating rituals, brightly colored plumage, special songs and dances- animals have been "dating" since before the dawn of man. For them, it's simple- they need to mate in order to sure their species survives (although I'm sure their base instincts don't really put that much thought into it- they just know they need someone to do it with). For humans- it's a little more complicated. Our relationships are not so much about ensuring the survival of our species. They are more about finding a companion to grow old with- someone to help us remember where we put the keys or, I don't know, our phones.

Six years ago- I was naive about marriage. I knew that I 'loved' Sara (with my limited understanding of love). She made me laugh, and I really enjoyed being with her. But I didn't really understand all the ramifications of marriage. I didn't know that the "feelings" wouldn't carry on indefinitely. That her faults would come out. That my own flaws would rear their ugly head. That I had actually an active role to play in the development of our relationship. And that the baggage we carried in from our own perceptions of marriage based on the observations of our parents would serve as the template upon which we would set our marital foundation.

Romans 8:28- And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Looking back, I see the grace of God to get us through those early years. We had been blindsided. Hoodwinked. Baited and switched. Very quickly, we realized that our feelings just weren't going to cut it. We had to find out the hard way what marriage is really about.

With the devaluing of marriage in our culture (really, it's just like Dating 2.0), relationships built on the feelings that the superficial dating structure reinforces are doomed to fail. And because of the blurred line between love and "love", those failures have very real consequences in the lives of those involved.

Because inevitably, we will come in contact with someone else who stirs up the "magic", and makes our hearts flutter. They take us back to those innocent days when we could sustain a relationship merely on our flirtations and flowers. And if this is our understanding of what makes a relationship go, we move on, because we're just not feeling it anymore, but there is somebody else that (we feel) can give us what we think we need.

I don't want to speak for everyone. There are sometimes when a relationship needs to end. Sometimes, divorce is the best option. For me though, the idea of divorce in the hard times would have been much easier than the painful look in the mirror that made me realize that the issues that I have were not going to automatically change in a future endeavor. I could fall in Dating Love with someone else, get remarried- and I would be basically living a Sequel. Same jokes, most of the same actors- really it's just the same movie but with new shiny packaging, but inevitably doomed to fail because they don't try to get back to what made the first movie successful- the originality. And my wife is 100% Original Grade-A-wesome.

As my friend retweeted in real life this morning, 'If the grass is greener on the other side, then it's time to water your lawn'. I'll let you take that quote and make it your own. As long as you cite me citing my friend who was citing someone else.