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| Just let me know when you've stopped throwing up |
But the holidays are not all baby deer and rainbow brooks- Christmas is one of the most stressful times of the year. Financial concerns, family stresses, and trying to keep up with the Jones' can make any jolly old elf start dreaming of a white supremacist Christmas.
But even when things are at their absolute worst, you can always listen to Christmas songs. Beacons of light and hope, they are full of heartwarming innocence and wonder. Well, except for the following five songs, which are harboring secret messages of tragedy and trauma and seem to be working to push cognitively unstable people off the edge of their mental cliffs, possibly to serve as minions for Santa in his power play for world domination.
5) I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
To a kid, about the only thing grosser than the idea of kissing is the idea of your parents kissing. Most kids freak out at the thought of their parents being intimate. Understandable, since that is the yuckiest thing ever. So this song already provides a little bit of trauma right there. This poor little kid, sneaking downstairs hoping to catch a glimpse of the mysterious enigma of Santa Claus, only OH MY GOD THAT IS DISGUSTING- KISSING???? BLECH....and then, he sees it.
Wait a minute- mommy's not kissing Daddy. Mommy's kissing Santa Claus.
Kids aren't generally relationship savants, but even they know that mommies are only supposed to kiss daddies. Sure, maybe the kid would think 'Hey it might be kind of cool to have a new dad who has access to magic flying reindeer and literally every toy I've ever wanted'. More than likely, the child would retreat into an internal safe place where you don't have to worry about your mom leaving the family for a land of elves and candy canes to live with an ageless old geezer while you and your dad live out the rest of your days eating baked beans by the trash can fire.
4) Santa Claus Is Coming To Town
But even when things are at their absolute worst, you can always listen to Christmas songs. Beacons of light and hope, they are full of heartwarming innocence and wonder. Well, except for the following five songs, which are harboring secret messages of tragedy and trauma and seem to be working to push cognitively unstable people off the edge of their mental cliffs, possibly to serve as minions for Santa in his power play for world domination.
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| Ho. Ho. Ho. |
To a kid, about the only thing grosser than the idea of kissing is the idea of your parents kissing. Most kids freak out at the thought of their parents being intimate. Understandable, since that is the yuckiest thing ever. So this song already provides a little bit of trauma right there. This poor little kid, sneaking downstairs hoping to catch a glimpse of the mysterious enigma of Santa Claus, only OH MY GOD THAT IS DISGUSTING- KISSING???? BLECH....and then, he sees it.
Wait a minute- mommy's not kissing Daddy. Mommy's kissing Santa Claus.
Kids aren't generally relationship savants, but even they know that mommies are only supposed to kiss daddies. Sure, maybe the kid would think 'Hey it might be kind of cool to have a new dad who has access to magic flying reindeer and literally every toy I've ever wanted'. More than likely, the child would retreat into an internal safe place where you don't have to worry about your mom leaving the family for a land of elves and candy canes to live with an ageless old geezer while you and your dad live out the rest of your days eating baked beans by the trash can fire.
4) Santa Claus Is Coming To Town
The only reason the lyrics to this song don't make us piss our pants every time we hear it (other than Bruce Springsteen's oddly reassuring fake laugh) is that Santa Claus (SPOILER) isn't actually real. Which is a good thing, because the Santa Claus of this song is a mixture of a vengeful deity, big government, and Edward Cullen.
- You better watch out
You better not cry
Generally when you tell someone they had 'better watch out', it's not because you're genuinely concerned for their well-being. It's because you want them to know that you are a force to be reckoned with and quite possibly a loose cannon as well. Santa starts off his triumphant procession into town by letting everyone know that he is fully capable of kicking ass and taking names.
-He's making a list
And checking it twice;
Gonna find out Who's naughty and nice
So I'm fine with a system of checks and balances. I understand that Santa wants to have standards, and I think he should. After all, you don't want to be spending all your time and magic making gifts for kids that really don't deserve them. It's what makes Christmas work. You have to be good all year so you get that big pay out at the end. Otherwise, society falls apart. It's not that part that bothers me (although considering Santa's bullying tendencies, it is a little disconcerting). No, the problem is this...
-He sees you when you're sleeping
He knows when you're awake
He knows if you've been bad or good
This is where things get pretty creepy. We've already established that Santa is a bully. Now we find out that he's pretty much an omniscient voyeur who is constantly stalking you and keeping track of your actions- and the tone of this song would suggest that he is just waiting for that one moment, that one time when you slip up and let your defenses down. BANG.
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| You just got taken out by the naughty list. Merry Christmas. |
My friend Summer pointed out that this song paints a gold-digging picture of women and implies that a woman finds her worth in being good looking and having a rich man give them lots of fancy stuff (as opposed to earning it herself). Now she's really smart and a woman (um....I don't mean that in a scientific discovery sort of way- like, World's first actually smart woman found frozen in ice cave) so I can't comment too much on her thoughts (But she's right).
No, I want to focus on the fact that the woman singing the song seems to be suffering from a severe case of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It's not fatal- it'll probably just lead to the downfall of Christmas.
In case you didn't read the hyperlink, here's a few of the symptoms of NPD. Let me know if any of these sound familiar:
•Take advantage of other people to achieve his or her own goals
•Exaggerate achievements and talents
•Be preoccupied with fantasies of success, power, beauty, intelligence, or ideal love
•Have unreasonable expectations of favorable treatment
•Pursue mainly selfish goals
Obviously this woman is blatantly trying to rip off the 'Be good/get free stuff' holiday system by being marginally good and asking for way more stuff than any one person should be. Amongst the things she asks for are: a sable (not sure what a sable is. It could be this. Or this), a light blue '54 convertible, a yacht, the deed to a platinum mine, a duplex, blank checks (already signed, presumably from Santa's magical money bank), and something else...what is it...oh yeah. A ring. Not on the phone either. A ring.
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| No, no, no- not The Ring- just a ring. |
But when is right now? Is it Christmas eve? If so, isn't it a little unreasonable to present Santa with the above Christmas list on the night before Christmas??? Sure, Santa has some magic- but little elves make most of the stuff. You think you can just place an order for an antique car, a yacht, and a duplex like elves are some fantasy short order cooks? And if it's not Christmas eve, then who does she think she is, ordering Santa to make an extra trip?
Really, she should be thankful to get anything. Despite her claims to have been an 'awful good girl', she offers very little evidence to support her claim. Apparently by missing out on tons of fun and not kissing a bunch of dudes, she thinks that she's somehow the Mother Theresa of gift requesters. Well you know what lady? I didn't have much fun this year- it's called "being poor". And I didn't go around kissing a bunch of other people, either. It's called "I love my wife". But you don't see me asking for a bunch of crap for Christmas- the only thing from your list that remotely appeals to me is the blank checks from Santa. And I might not be a good guy, just so you know.
Nonetheless, I think Santa will do the right thing. I trust Santa's decision making- this is the same guy that initially denied Ralphie's request for an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle because of concerns about shooting his eye out. But after reading this list, Santa might bypass 'well she can't have this/this/that' and just go straight to 'I quit'. If you spend any time around older people, you know some of the disdain they have for the entitlement of our generation. Well imagine being as old as Santa Claus and spending your entire life revolving around giving people nice things for free and never really receiving the proper thanks. Now imagine that some woman unloads a Christmas list worth more than some small countries and demands immediate service. Sounds like retirement to me.
2) Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer
Thanks to the wonder of claymation, we all know the story of Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer. The upstart mutant freak of the North Pole saved the day, married the girl, and lived happily ever after.
Except he didn't.
Because the song leaves us right before Rudolph leaves on his big Christmas saving adventure. We literally don't know what happened the next day, or any of the days after. Sure, the other reindeer say 'you'll go down in history'- but that's just because Rudolph is about to bail them out big time. They'd say anything to get him to help them out.
So what do you think happens when the reindeer return to the North Pole? They're returning to the same culture where Rudolph was repeatedly ostracized for his glowing non-conformity. The ones that hated him before will have even more reason to hate him now that they see everyone fawning over him for saving Christmas. And that hatred will burn even brighter- you could even say it'll glow. Life is not some cheesy movie or simple song- the apparent instantaneous transformation from disableists to Rudo!ph 4ever!sts probably has more to do with the fact that he was saving their asses than it does any change of heart. Now that they're back in the normal routine, they'll realize that they still hate Rudolph.
It's no coincidence that Rudolph is pretty much never heard from again (despite the songs' claims that he is 'the most famous reindeer of all'). Rudolph is the classic shooting star- he came out of nowhere, saved Christmas, and then disappeared from the scene forever. And do you know why we probably never heard about Rudolph again? Because the other reindeer finally let him play some reindeer games. Specifically the 'Gut Rudolph And Dump The Body' one.
1) Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer
Thanks to the wonder of claymation, we all know the story of Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer. The upstart mutant freak of the North Pole saved the day, married the girl, and lived happily ever after.
Except he didn't.
Because the song leaves us right before Rudolph leaves on his big Christmas saving adventure. We literally don't know what happened the next day, or any of the days after. Sure, the other reindeer say 'you'll go down in history'- but that's just because Rudolph is about to bail them out big time. They'd say anything to get him to help them out.
So what do you think happens when the reindeer return to the North Pole? They're returning to the same culture where Rudolph was repeatedly ostracized for his glowing non-conformity. The ones that hated him before will have even more reason to hate him now that they see everyone fawning over him for saving Christmas. And that hatred will burn even brighter- you could even say it'll glow. Life is not some cheesy movie or simple song- the apparent instantaneous transformation from disableists to Rudo!ph 4ever!sts probably has more to do with the fact that he was saving their asses than it does any change of heart. Now that they're back in the normal routine, they'll realize that they still hate Rudolph.
It's no coincidence that Rudolph is pretty much never heard from again (despite the songs' claims that he is 'the most famous reindeer of all'). Rudolph is the classic shooting star- he came out of nowhere, saved Christmas, and then disappeared from the scene forever. And do you know why we probably never heard about Rudolph again? Because the other reindeer finally let him play some reindeer games. Specifically the 'Gut Rudolph And Dump The Body' one.
1) Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer
I know, I said songs that were 'secretly' tragic. So how does this one qualify- the tragedy is in the fracking title!
To which I say 'Yes, yes it is'. Obviously it would be horrible to have a relative die on Christmas eve in any fashion. The fact that the family dresses in black, returns gifts, and eats fig pudding speaks about the terrible, inconsolable Christmas that they had this year. And even as the years go on, as the pain slowly fades away there will still be a twinge of regret about the events of that fated Christmas eve.
Regret, mixed with vile hatred and an insatiable thirst for revenge. Because the tragedy is not what happens to grandma, but what is spawned from the aftermath of her death.
Let's start with the premise that there is some tension between the Santa Claus faithful and the non-believing element. Evidently in this Santa Claus-exists universe, there is a crisis of faith. How there can be such a crisis of faith in a world where Santa is real, I don't know- but they are having one. It must be at least a decently sized group, since the implication is that it took the death of grandma at Santa's hands for grandpa to believe.
So Santa Claus, needing to reestablish his legitimacy, accidentally runs over some old woman while out on his rounds. Now, the whole thing is probably just a misunderstanding gone wrong. Some drunk elderly woman (who had forgot her medication) walking home on a snowy night gets run over by reindeer-drawn sleigh. It happens. Most likely what happened is that Santa is simply guilty of negligent homicide. He should have left a note with his contact info and insurance information. Or at the very least, hide the body. End of issue.
Instead, Santa not only leaves the body with no expression of recourse or remorse- but he plants Claus marks on her back. I'm not sure what a Claus mark is, but it's enough of a mark to where people can see it and say 'Oh my God- this was the work of Santa Claus!'. Yup- this story just took a turn into serial killer land.
But Santa is not a serial killer- he's a father figure who has fallen on hard times and is trying to protect his family. The whole Christmas operation runs on the Christmas spirit that, for whatever reason, seems to be dwindling. Faced with making tough choices like laying off elves or possibly cutting back on presents, Santa has to do something drastic to reignite the passion in everyones hearts. Unfortunately, he's a little out of touch with the mainstream and doesn't realize that it's not really acceptable to kill people and leave their bodies lying around as a form of communication.
Grandma's family takes this action personally and funnels their passion into an anti-Santa bunker mentality. This family has decided that this one simple, probable accident is the last straw and they want to revoke Santa's license. Whatever it was that happened on that fateful night, Santa Claus can look forward to an eternity of 'God hates Santa' posters and Christmas eve picketers on rooftops all over the Bible Belt.
PIC- Kinkade http://www.kinkadecentral.com/kinkade-2010-bambis-first-year-1st-art-disney-thomas.jpg
Firearms- http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2011/11/27/article-2066860-0EF6BD5E00000578-307_636x392.jpg
Santa- https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUH0nCGo0HvKgoFB8AN48wWJanjw0g6mn_zbqRC5d6diKso6m-JN5tAW-8_dZo0Tj16-5P8_7kNsCbJE1ekb93jFzQSA3WLKiu1kgo5GbKBVyD64GVcWGuV5P759HLMVhww_8jvpAZrEP9/s1600/url.jpeg
Elf sniper- http://www.victoryforce.com/Merchant2/merchant.mvc?Screen=PROD&Store_Code=VFM&Product_Code=770111&Category_Code=storybook
The Ring- https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiXtIvpih8Cs9O2WH02iL7F27mr_ABOfssoa5j3EKPBRqBMnzbuussN5mVeWfVoEKTwp645nwT3c3g1KkE_ZDelal8Rd4i9UgmZhbik9hZvpiPxdF2AplCtWAigeCWqHCkVRVT92Z9Mw_M/s1600/655b6f0c-baca-411b-a3a6-8f0be0207a4a_Samara_Morgan.jpg
Fred Phelps- http://images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20060922084242/wikiality/images/1/1e/Fred_Phelps.png
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