It's a bittersweet week, to be sure. It's the first full week of 2009, which brings fresh hope...but it's also the first full week of the last 4 months of my 20's. That's right folks...I'm gonna be 30 this year....
And the happy go-lucky Jason you've all come to know and loathe..er, love will be a thing of the past...dead, decayed, muscleless, without tendon or nervous system, skin or any other bodily system...replaced by hardened, complacent, bone Jason. I mean, I won't even have cartilage! Metaphorically speaking, anyways.
Okay, okay, I'm overreacting a little bit. I was recently diagnosed with Overreactive Attachment Disorder by Sara...it's not a pretty thing and has a 100% fatality rate. Well, that's not true actually. I diagnosed Sara with Overreactive Attachment Disorder. And it has a 0% fatality rate. But you know what has a 100% fatality rate? Death. That's right, tell your friends. Death is the #1 killer in America, and somewhere in the top three in Europe (they didn't submit their statistics in time, so I'm just making a guess based on last years results).
Anyways, I'm getting WAY off track...this was supposed to be just a short intro to my actual post about New Years resolutions.
How many of you set New Years resolutions this year just because you were forced to? Okay, you can put your hands down. See, New Years resolutions were fashioned by 'The Man' as a form of social control. We spend the Holidays resting, relaxing, indulging...all of which may or may not have been ordained by God as legitimate expressions of Holidayness. But 'The Man' didn't like that. He didn't like giving 'paid time off' and things of that nature. So New Years resolutions were devised deep in the dark dungeons of 'The Establishment', which is actually in a Holiday Inn.
Probably not this Holiday Inn though, because it is located in Marquette, Michigan, which is the birthplace of very little.
New Years resolutions are like lurking vultures that stand on our shoulders, striking us down with deadly talons of 'commitment' and their fangs of 'change'. Really, does anyone know anyone that has actually KEPT their resolutions for an entire year? I'm the most successful person I know; last year, I actually kept one of my resolutions for 11 days, which I believe is in the Guiness Book of World Records
If you look REALLY closely through those ugly glasses, you can even see the entry. It's on page 141....or maybe it's on a different page. I didn't really get a specific number from the guy before he hung up on me.
Well, this year, I had an epiphany of sorts. I decided that I was going to single handedly take on the system. Oh, I made a New Years resolution...there is no sense in trying an up-front assault when getting in through the back door is much more effective, and has better scenery.
My New Years resolution? To have no New Years resolutions. Now, you might say, well isn't that a contradiction? Alright Mr. Smartypants, thanks for blowing it! That's why I didn't tell you my plan before New Years, or else I would have been dragged off by the vultures and forced into a weight loss program. Or something far, far worse...to watch a 'Land Before Time' marathon.
You're right. It is a contradiction. But I had the tactic of diversion on my side. I faithfully submitted it to the powers-that-be ten minutes before New Years, so they didn't really have time to look it over...they just stamped it and said 'Make sure you keep your resolution or else you will have to do something horrible like listen to the Janet Jackson Anthology'.
Lo and behold, I defeated the mighty system! My New Years resolution was instantly broken. Bam! Presto! At 12:00 and 1 second, I had officially broken my New Years resolution. And you know what I felt? FREEDOM! The freedom that can only come from beating the system, or having your insides cut out with crudely fashioned instruments of torture.
'Okay guys, this is where we all turn up our kilts and show our heinies to the bad guys. I just want to warn you guys that there is nothing more disgusting than looking at or smelling a man's butt, so when you all bend over, you should close your eyes and pray that you do not die from the instant exposure of the stench of 30,000 unclean Scot arses'
I'm not bound by any sort of 'code' or 'notion' that I have to adhere to some self-imposed living standards that are going to be obsolete before February. I am better than that. So what am I going to do with my year?
Well, now that I'm free from resolutions, I'm proposing a revolution, by setting New Years GOALS...which are completely different from resolutions. Setting a goal is basically making a committment to change some habit or aspect of lifestyle to be more positive.
My goals for the year are to lose 5 pounds a month, waste less time on trivial pursuits like video games, and to cut out sweets. I know that this sounds like resolutions, but believe me. They're not, they're completely different.
New Years resolututions are a way of supressing our individuality, and making us feel as though we are inferior to what we really are. But I've seen the light. I've seen the ugly tyrant for what it is, and I have decided to fight back. You say resolution...I say reVOlution! Instead of New Years resolutions, set New Years goals and turn the system on its head. Trust me, you'll feel better for it.
Tune in next time as I either talk about the 2006 NFL draft through the eyes of the hype machine or else tackle God as Daddy in 3 point sermon format!
Skull pic http://www.diamondvues.com/skull.jpg
Guiness pic http://img.tesco.com/pi/Books/L/67/9781904994367.jpg
Holiday Inn- http://www.roadsideamerica.com/hotels_motels/images-hotel/h17878/1.jpg
Braveheart pic- http://www.dga.org/news/mag_archives/v21-1/braveheart.jpg
2 comments:
Did I read correctly that You said very little comes from Marquette? I believe I have a beautiful daughter in-law and 2 beautiful grandchildren.Do You not agree?
Mom, you obviously haven't seen my kids lately...they are very little, so I'm not at all out of line with what I wrote...
Post a Comment