In this installment, I'll be taking ranking my favorite (and not-so-favorite) Superhero movies in terms of castinghood. What am I looking for? Well, as I said before, I don't have an extensive history of reading comics. Don't get me wrong, I'm still very much a geek...just not that kind of geek. But I have read some comics, and have some exposure to comic book sources, which have left me with some vivid ideas about characters and how I think about those characters.
So the premise of this post is to let you know how I think that the movies did in terms of meeting my expectations. This would have been a lot easier if Hollywood had actually bothered to hire me in some sort of informal consultant role...the fact that I didn't even get any phone calls does hurt a little bit, I'll be honest with you. But I have decided to take the high road and just slander those choices that I do not agree with.
Without further adieu, my casting rankings (I divided things into franchises to A)Dull the monotony of repeats and B) Hopefully get this done in one post...as opposed to the like five posts it took last time)!
12) Judge Dredd- The more I think about it, the more I'm not sure that this should be even considered a superhero movie. I mean, sure, it involves a comic book storyline based on an alternate future...epic showdowns between good and evil, with technology and the fate of justice in the balance, with a genetically enhanced individual saving innocents...but it's just such a bad movie. I feel like I'm poisoning all the other movies on this list merely by mentioning them in the same breath. But I will. It's my job to do tough things like that.
High points- Um, Diane Lane as Judge Hershey. Diane Lane is a very beautiful woman, not like Hollywood sexy...just beautiful. And Armand Assante was a decent bad guy (actually, I just love his name Armand Assante and wanted to say it- say it with me, it has good name feng shui and cleans out your sinuses).
Low points- Um, every one else. Sylvester Stallone really nailed that 'Rocky' persona...so much so that he has taken it with him in EVERY SINGLE MOVIE he's ever been it...at the risk of getting beaten up by Sly. The only difference between 'Rocky' and 'Judge Dredd' is that it takes place in the future and instead of being a boxer, Stallone mumbles 'I am thlaw' and shoots them.
11) Ghost Rider- I already touched on this in my last superhero blog post- Nicholas Cage should never, EVER be in a superhero movie, unless he is playing the part of a damsel in distress.
High points- Wes Bentley played a very VERY creepy Blackheart...even though I am slightly bitter that they made him and Mephisto look human even though they are not human. With all the CGI special effect, we should have been treated better. And Sam Elliott just has one of those smooth classic movie voices that can make your voice a little deeper and your facial hair grow a little longer.
Low points- Nicholas Cage as a superhero. And that is enough to keep Ghost Rider out of the top ten. Who do I think would have been a good Ghost Rider? Easy- the guy that they got to play Superman. He would have made a GREAT Ghost Rider...oh, what's his name? Oh well, I'll think of it sometime.
10) Daredevil- I'm starting to get depressed with all the crappy casting jobs. Not like, depressed enough to want to take a short walk on a long cliff, or to get my nails done or anything crazy...just depressed enough to want to rip my hair out or take up yodeling. Daredevil, by virtue of being less sucky than Judge Dredd and Ghost Rider, makes the top ten.
High points- Colin Farrell. True, he looks even goofier than the comics Bullseye, and that takes some talent.
I mean, seriously, you have a bullseye imprinted on your head? Did you fall asleep on your stove?
I'm just saying.
Despite the hideous henna-gone-wrong, Farrell turns in a great performance as a sociopathic assassin who kills a guy by throwing paperclips at his throat! Brilliant!
Low points- Everybody else. On the surface, it should have been a match made in heaven- Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are a cute couple. Daredevil and Elektra are a couple that can kick ass and take names. Well, maybe not a match made in heaven. Actually, it's a tragic case of 'What Were They Thinking?'. Nobody buys this, and that is one of the reasons that Daredevil has been banished to movie purgatory. It's like trying to have Spongebob play Chuck Norris. It just isn't going to work. PLUS...wow I almost forgot this...Michael Clarke Duncan as the Kingpin? Really? How about no? Kingpin was...um...(let's see how to say this politically correct)...Italian?...(no, that's not it)...fat?...(well yes, but they're not buying it)...okay I give. Kingpin is white in the comics. Duncan is black. Granted, Duncan might be the only man on the planet who could pull off the Kingpin role...couldn't they have at least dusted him in flour? Or used a bunch of Wite-out?
13) Hulk (2003)- I was going to put this at #9, but then I got thinking about it, and I was like, what am I thinking? This was not a good movie- so bad that Hollywood completely severed ties and went in a brand new direction in a short period of time. Kinda like a Hollywood marriage. I did like how the film was editted to make it feel more like a comic book. I actually liked it at first. Then I became 'cultured'...I acquired a taste for the finer things in life- Fazoli's, Jones soda, American films featuring foreign accents- and there was no more room in my life for crappy movies. So in honor of the Hulk being so badly casted, I am skipping #9 and taking the Hulk all the way to the absolute bottom.
High points- CGI Hulk smashing the crap out of everything, throwing tanks, and crushing a poodle. Also, another Sam Elliott cameo. If he shows up in any more movies I might be able to actually shake the prepubescent rep.
Low points- Have you heard Nick Nolte's voice? He sounds worse than Christian Bale as Batman...imagine a phone conversation between them. And look, I'm as big of an Eric Bana fan as anyone...but he's already buff- why become the Hulk when you could already beat up Josh Lucas? Or have Lou Ferrigno be the Hulk- he still looks the size of 2 grown men. But Edward Norton is definitely a better Bruce Banner.
8) Punisher- This is the last 'meh' movie on the list for me. And that's really all I'm going to say about that.
High points- Thomas Jane as the Punisher.
Low points- John Travolta as a villain. Sorry John, but Danny Zuko is about as far towards the 'evil' spectrum as you should go.
7) New Batman- Why am I so hard on the new Batman movies? As a duo of movies, they are clearly superior in quality to the older ones. And overall I think that they've been better casted. But here is the reason why I had to hate- Christian Bale as Batman. Not Christian Bale as Bruce Wayne- Bale as Smoker's Cough Lung Hocker Batman.
High points- I'm not going to try and wax eloquent on Heath Ledger's performance as the Joker. It was phenomenal...the tragedy is that he literally gave his life to do it. Aaron Eckhart quietly went blow-for-blow with Ledger- one of the best performances of two supporting actors in the same movie ever! Bale does shine as the arrogant billionaire Bruce Wayne, and while Michael Caine does not quite meet the standards of Michael Gough as Alfred, he still manages to shine as well. Finally, kudos for Liam Neeson for his cold-hearted Ra's Al Ghul, and Morgan Freeman (who has appeared in/narrated roughly half of all movies ever in some form or another).
Low points- I've already said enough about Hackma..er, Batman and his, um, pitch problems. I wonder, if someone hit him in the throat, if it would have a sort of reverse effect and make his voice sound normal. Something to pursue for the next film. Also, they really should have learned from the first Batman franchise that you can't pull Significant Character Switches mid-series. I mean, you expect us to look at Katie Holmes and Maggie I'mtoolazytolookuphowtospellherlastname and just pretend that they are both Rachel Dawes? Do you think we're idiots? (Please don't answer that- by reading this you are already an accomplice in my idiocy, and I will squeal like a pig in court).
6) Batman Franchise 1- In almost every single regard, Batman 1.0 is nowhere near as competitive as Batman 2.0- superior writing, casting, special effects- it's not even close! So how do I rate old Batman above new Batman again? Simple- these are Batman movies, and Batman 1.0 has a much better Batman (at least, the first Batman). He's not hacking in villains faces- he's brooding, silent- letting his presence do the talking, and consider that this was the birth of Batman in black (before he was wearing gray and blue)...which made him even more intimidating.
High points- You can't fault Batman 1.0 because of a lack of talent- Jack Nicholson, Jim Carrey, Tommy Lee Jones, Uma Thurman, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Danny DeVito, Jack Palance, Christopher Walken, Michelle Pfeiffer, Val Kilmer, Nicole Kidman, George Clooney, Drew Barrymore- it's a venerable smörgåsbord of super stars!
Low points- I suppose I could have put Batman 1.0 up higher on the list because of all these all stars- but if you've actually WATCHED any of these movies, you realize the the ratio of superstar to success is very low- and you cannot under ANY circumstances try to switch Batman in the middle of a franchise and expect it to be okay. Batman 1.0 did it TWICE. Think of Batman 1.0 as the New York Yankees or the Washington Redskins- teams that spend tons of money for washed up big names that end up leading to mediocrity.That's what happened to Batman 1.0- they had tons of big names that, even if they were not washed up, were woefully out of place in a superhero movie role.
Well, I tried to get it all done in one...but man I am one wordy guy! So I'm dividing it in half (well, a little less than half, probably more like 60/40). Keep your eyes peeled- my top five is on the horizon, ready to pounce like a rabid animal.
Rabies myth- Three Americans every year die from rabies-infliction.
Rabies fact- Four Americansevery year die from rabies-infliction.
(This very random and somewhat out of place fact has been brought to you by The Office, so it is probably not true).
Pics
Nicky Cage- http://www.thesharkbook.com/archive/2008_01_01_archives.html
Burner top- http://pro.corbis.com/images/42-15468792.jpg?size=572&uid=%7B3250EE2C-0D66-48FB-96DC-E9A65022A343%7D
Bullseye fake- http://members.fortunecity.com/dm_bishop2/marvel/bullseye004.JPG
Bullseye real- http://www.movievillains.com/images/bullseye.jpg
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