If I could see me now...

You know what? Life is hard. Life is hard, it's confusing...at various times it makes you think that it is not worth itself. This year has been, without a doubt, one of the most difficult of my life. It's nothing external, it's nothing physical- I'm in decent health, and all of my needs have been met, as well as several of my wants.

It's been all internal struggles. My whole being, my worldview, my self-confidence have been thrown into the wind. I've been turned upside down, inside out...part of the reason I haven't been blogging much lately (mostly due to busyness) is that I just haven't been sure what to say- I haven't felt like I had any valuable contributions to make. Some of you might then say 'well then why did you write so much before?'...to which I reply 'Thanks a bunch. Your grasp of sympathy warms my heart'.

So anyhow...I'll delve into this more later. This is really just a post to serve as a reminder to myself, a reaffirmer of why I believe in a God who loves me.

Today has been a pretty downer day. I won't bore you with specifics...suffice it to say that I was just mostly overwhelmed with a chance of hopelessness, high in the upper Really Sad. That's been my life lately, I've felt very alone and isolated within myself. Again...more on this later.

So when Sara got home from taking Delaney to the library, I split. I needed some me-time (which has been in short supply), and what better chance than to go get TP, napkins, conditioner, and peanut butter M&M's? So I left.

I went to Wal-mart (say what you will about this social parasite, their prices are the cheapest! And they have smileyface stickers!)...except that it was packed- I swear that every parking spot was filled up. Is there some sort of holiday coming up that I'm not aware of? Wait a second...when is Easter? Is Easer this Sunday? (glances at the calander). No. What the hell?

So anyhow, I decide that I am definitely not in a mood to battle this sort of traffic- vehicular or personal. So I go to Target. It's across the road, and Sara used to work there, so there is some sort of connection. A 'bond' if you will. So I go in...get my stuff...

So I'm ready to check out, I go to the check-out...there are a few lanes open. One of them has a guy cashier, it's the closest, and I would be immediately served next. Except I prefer female cashiers...I mean, come on guys, we all really just want cute babes to check us out, right? (glances nervously at Sara, debates leaving this part out). Seriously though, I think that there is this part of me that for some reason prefers to interact with female cashiers more than male ones. Maybe it was that time when I got beat up by a male cashier, I don't know.

So in my head, I do really quick problem solving, deciding to go against every fiber in my being and go to challenge the Alpha cashier. Lo and behold, I see a guy there that I used to work with, whom I haven't seen in eons! It was such a cool little kiss from heaven, you know? Like, I've had this crappy day, a difficult semester, and just out of the blue, I see a friend that I have not seen in a while.

So we chatted for a few minutes, got caught up, and I returned home, ate some peanut butter M&M's, and started writing this post.

The premise is simple- I just want myself, and all 7 of you that actually read this blog to realize that, whatever your belief, that there are forces at work in the world that are outside of our control. I just don't think you can deny that. Once you come to grips with that, then you can wrestle with the implications of it on your own. But I find hope where hope cannot be found because I am putting my faith in a God that shows me He loves me through a very simple yet very profound act of a chance meeting in Target.

Blessings