(smacks forehead, says 'D'oh' out loud)

It isn't often that we can see outside ourselves in the middle of the storm and know what is going on. So I am writing this down now, so that I don't forget. So that the torrential rains do not sweep me away, so that I don't get struck by lightning. And really, it's freaking brilliant. When you can see behind the curtain, see the wizard pulling the strings...you see just how easy it all is. I can't believe I didn't see it sooner.

As most of you know, I've been struggling lately..and I don't think it's going to stop soon. That's not the reason I'm writing this. I'm writing this because I know why I'm going through this.

Towards the beginning of the year, I posted a Facebook status- something to the effect of 'in 2009 the God of Hope will be revealed'. If you aren't on Facebook, you didn't know this. If you are on Facebook, there is a good chance you missed this. I am to statuses as Donald Trump is to wives...they please me for a short time, and then I discard and move on. Nothing personal, it's just how I roll.

I wrote this because 2008 was just a bad year. I already posted on this in my New Years Revolutions post (I can't figure out how to link to it, which is a shame, because it was a sweet post), but suffice it to say that if I had to pick one year of my life where I could have conceivably seen the end of the world in sight- 2008 would have been that year. But 2k9 was going to be different, and I even felt that God was going to bring hope in 2009. I prayed for it, felt it, and declared it.

So 2009 goes on, and things are going well...and then they start to fall apart. Well, not fall apart. That's too strong. But it seems that they are falling apart. It is as though I am being disassembled from the inside, and it goes on until I reach a point where I am not sure who I am anymore. I feel no confidence, I find that I want to retreat inside of myself. This semester is the first time I can ever remember identifying with the one-talent man.

(The above is a very brief overview of my struggles...kind of like a cliff notes version)

So anyhow, it's been a rollercoaster, and I'm struggling, then I am swimming, followed by drowning, then it's air, then the air is a free fall- I mean WTF!!!!! The God of Hope? In this?

And then it hits me- this is absolutely the God of Hope revealed. Because I am beginning to see now that there is a breaking process going on, an extreme shaping. God is taking everything that I am, everything that I have been, all the things that I have relied upon- and He is wrecking them. He is taking them from me and shattering them upon rocks.

And when the scene ends, and the curtain rises, there won't be a Kansas man in a mid-life crisis, or Warrick Davis on LSD- it will be exactly what I prayed for, exactly what I proclaimed- the God of Hope, revealed.

Right now, I can't see that clearly. Because I put my hope in things...I put my hope in my intellect. But that is being torn asunder- I'm not the smartest person, and I sure as heck don't have all the answers. I put my hope in my sense of humor- but it's hard to laugh when you just want to cry. I put my hope in my education, and my academic achievements- but then why would I want to do that when I'm questioning whether or not I even want to pursue this field I'm in? I put my hope in music- while my band struggles to find time to practice or even find a gig.

So what is left when all you have is shaken to the ground, when your house of sand blows away in the wind? What is left of me, as a man, as a human being?

Now I see. It's so simple as to be brilliant. This is how the God of Hope will be revealed in me. By forcing me to hope. By forcing me to hope in something outside of my own. Because it isn't hope if I have it. It isn't hope if I produce it.

So you'll still have to ask about me. You'll still have to pray. You might even be concerned. But just remember this day, remember the day when I told you all what was going to happen. I don't want you to be surprised when it happens.

The God of Hope will be revealed in 2009.