Expendables (possibly some spoilers, more than likely just spoiled)

So last Friday, I went to see 'The Expendables' with my buddy Bryan. It was the last night before his wedding, so we figured we'd go see a man movie.

Well, Expendables is a man movie....a man movie on steroids. And HGH. And receiving testosterone supplements. And starring every action movie star from the 1980's. It was like, hey 1985 called- they want to make a movie.

This action-packed gore fest starts early-Dolph Lundgren fires a rocket launcer at a guy and blows him in half (and yes, they show it) while 'The Expendables' (apparently some sort of rogue task force of bad-asses)are attempting to rescue some people from sea pirates. The blood spilling does not dial down- rather, they crank it up to 11.

Indeed, there is definitely a step forward in the amount and type of violence in movies nowadays- I noticed it in 'The Watchmen' and 'Book of Eli'...movie violence is at a whole new level. Before, violence was fed to us through the genius of editing. The would show us what was going to happen, and then they would flash to another scene with what they wanted us to believe had happened. Now though? Decapitations, biting, explosions, shark attacks- you name it, it's happening in the same scene, no editing tricks. Pretty CG, but getting better.

Little bit of a tangent...bringing it back now.

Where was I? Oh yeah- an 80's movie in 2010. Not a good combo. You realize that the 80's movies were just ridiculous. Plots were terrible, writing was bad, action was over the top- obviously I wasn't in my early 30's back then, so I don't know if grown-ups thought those movies were ultra cool. I hope not- because if that generation of 30-somethings had that bad of taste, and passed that bad taste on to my generation- then we as a society are perpetuating a cycle of bad taste that could threaten all legitimate art and culture as we know it.

Now let me clarify- I had a great time, and as far as a man movie goes- it was a man movie. There was action and swearing (Bruce Willis dropped 4 F-bombs, which is twice the amount he was probably paid for) and a knife throwing competition and cheesy one-liners and tattoos- the only thing missing was sex.

But if you're looking for a movie with any substance- then you might say this this movie is...expendable (I don't know if that was a good joke, but I had to use it at some point, and I'm panicking because I don't know if another opportunity will present itself). The story is virtually non-existant, the dialogue is terrible, and the heroes are way too cool for school.

At one juncture, Jason Stathams character takes his ex-girlfriend on a motorcycle ride and drives by the guy she left Statham for (who happened to have just given her a black eye), who is playing basketball with some buds. Statham proceeds to kick the asses of all 6 dudes, and then whips out a switchblade and stabs the basketball while it lays prone on Mr. Abusers chest...then makes a remark about how she should have stayed with Statham. Oh yeah, sure- I just got out of one abusive relationship, and I'm supposed to feel better about our former relationship? YOU JUST KICKED THE ASS OF THE GUY THAT BEAT ME- AND LIKE 5 OF HIS BUDDIES- AND ALSO, YOU CARRY A SWITCHBLADE??? Yeah, no anger issues there pal. There is no way that the 80's were this ridiculous...were they?


But the best part was at the end, after the team of like 5 dudes takes out the army of bad guys- and Stone Cold- and the main villain, and after they blew up the palace (jeez guys...you're only getting paid $5 millions dollars for this mission, you might want to scale back on the amount of C-4 you're using, that stuff ain't cheap)- the daughter of the (deceased) general says to Sly Stallone as he is about to fly off into the sunset "Thank you for helping us".

Yeah. Thanks for helping us. Our little island country now has no military. We have no government infrastructure. The palace is destroyed. Our cash crop is an unnamed drug that attracted the bad dudes in the first place. So basically you "saved" our country by destroying everything that we need to make it not collapse in on itself. But thank you for what you've done! And now you get to go back to America and cash in on your millions and sit around and drink alcohol and throw knives in a tattoo parlor while our people end up living in caves and solving disputes like on Lord of the Flies.

Folks- forget about 2012- if the 1980's are allowed to continue to make a comeback, the world may end well before then. It's up to us, the informed, to take a stand. The 1980's died once. Let's keep it that way.