What this really means in layman's terms is that you will be able to buy the toys that you wished you could buy when you were a kid (but your parents wouldn't let you have) and watch your favorite movies and TV shows all the time. Sure, your kids will end up just as screwed up as you are- but that's why they have kids. So they can heal through the life journey that is living our your repressed childhood fantasies through action figures and video games. It's called the circle of life for a reason people!
I say all of that merely to say that one of the recent events in my own pre-apocalyptic timeline is that I have indoctrinated my children into the greatest game ever invented- Paper, Scissors, Rock. Or is it Rock, Paper, Scissors? Gah, I can never remember!
For a passive, non-confrontationalist like me, Crush/Cover/Cut is THE way for solving problems without actually solving problems. If you've spent any time around human beings lately, you know that there are always issues that arise that are not immediately settled and requires either quick thinking or violence to resolve. This happens generally for two reasons (there are probably more but for the sake of making me seem like I know what I'm talking about, let's just assume there's only two):
1) There is an inadequate supply of resources.
2) Negotiations have broken down to a state of 'Uh huh/Nuh uh'.
Teaching them Rochambeau is a great way to help them resolve conflict in a nice, tidy way without yelling, screaming, or violent fisticuffs. But sometimes I feel that by teaching my children to obtain a compromise by using this game, I am just painting them with blood and throwing them to the sharks. Am I overreacting?
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| Look at this face. It is serious. Clearly then the answer is 'no, I am not overreacting'. |
Well, they are simply this- that my children will not only develop a series of easily deduced (yet fatal) flaws, but also develop equally inane (yet limited) strengths. To convince you that I am, in fact, a Prophet, we're going to look at the Scissors, Paper, Rock love triangle and how all of these pieces interact with each other. Your role in this is to be amazed and then send me money.
Paper versus Rock
Winner: Paper
What Paper teaches us- To take on challenges outside of your pay grade because of you have a plucky underdog spirit.
What would happen instead- You get chewed up, crumpled up, stepped on, torn apart and sent to the recycling bin.
I'm starting with the most obvious miscast first. I cannot imagine any sort of battle where wielding paper would lead you to victory- unless your enemy is packing air guitars. Generally, if you are going into battle and your strongest weapon is found in a MEAD notebook, you might as well tear out a piece, tape it to a pencil (I'm assuming you have these things with you because you have chosen to wage war with office supplies) and just wave it around in the air because surrendering is your best option.
Yes sometimes it's good to face the odds and stare them down because underdogs can win. But sometimes it's just as good to retreat. Sure David beat Goliath- but it's not because Goliath was a great big pushover. David had a little thing I like to call 'divine intervention'. When you clearly don't have that though, probably the next best thing is a little thing I like to call 'retreat!'.
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| Who is covering who now, huh punk? |
Rock versus Scissors
Winner:Rock
What Rock teaches us- You don't need to totally defeat your enemies- you can get by with only mostly defeating them.
What would happen instead- No, you actually need to defeat them all the way or else they will come back bigger, stronger, and wearing an ass-kicking chip on their now-robust shoulders.
This one actually makes more sense than Paper v. Rock- especially if your scissors are made of plastic. A well-placed blow from a heavy rock to a pair of children's paring shears could probably reduce the scissors to dust (and the child to tears. Uh, sorry kid, war is an ugly thing...and you should have picked paper. I know, it doesn't make sense to me either). But if it's an average pair of kitchen sheers? Then maybe not so much. See lots of scissors are made from stainless steel. Now I'm not smart guy, but I do know that a blow from a rock is not going to be enough to destroy steel. Steel is meant to withstand heavy blows, and it takes thousands of degrees of applied heat to really get close to what I would consider to be 'destroying' it.
In fact, brute strength plays an essential part in the creation of a pair of scissors. One of the tools used to make scissors is called a drop hammer. A drop hammer can exert more than 11,000 pounds of force. When they pound the red-hot steel with one of those suckers, it not only shapes the steel- but it makes it stronger as well.
So unless you are generating large amounts of continuous heat by striking with your rock with the force of a drop hammer, you are definitely not defeating the scissors. All you are probably doing is pissing them off and making them stronger. And if that pair of scissors decides to turn on you?
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| Oh. So that's what pissed-off metal can do to rock. |
Scissors versus Paper
Winner: Scissors
What Scissors teach us- Treat anyone however you wish to treat them, even if that means that you have to hurt them in the process.
What would happen instead- People will get tired of your antics, band together, and you will face an endlessly self-replicating army of enemies.
This one definitely makes the most sense, because it obviously works. Look, I went to Kindergarten. I've seen scissors cut paper before- and it was like the paper wasn't even there. That's a fact. Yo.
Unfortunately, unless you are using flaming scissors, cutting the paper does not kill it. Surely you know this! As with Rock v. Scissors, physical deformity does not equal defeat. All your smug efforts have done is create a second sheet of paper. Sure it's smaller- but you haven't destroyed it, or even disarmed it- you've just doubled it. And probably pissed it off. Congratulations!
And due to the rules of engagement you definitely can't burn it- unless you use the Nuke. But then you're breaking the rules. And nobody likes to play with the kid that breaks the rules.
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| Right? |
Rock- http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/7/7e/Rock-paper-scissors_(rock).png
Paper- http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/a/af/Rock-paper-scissors_(paper).png
Scissors- http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/5/5f/Rock-paper-scissors_%28scissors%29.png
Rock- http://www.hobbycraft.co.uk/Assets/Ideas/Large/84.jpg
Shawshank- http://images.wikia.com/shawshank/images/8/85/Andy_Dufresene%27s_escape.jpg
Congress- http://micevhill.com/attachments/Image/congressional_seal.png
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