Rex Ryan and the $75,000 F-bomb

In the spirit of Thanksgiving in three days, I have finally found something to be thankful for.  And it came to me in the most unlikely of places (New York) in the most unlikely of packages (Rex Ryan).  Guys, I am thankful for Rex Ryan. I'll say it right now, I don't even care who knows it- Jesus, thank you for giving Rex Ryan to the NFL.

True, I think he talks way too much trash for someone who hasn't really done anything except almost make it to two Super Bowls.   And...actually, I guess now that I think about it, the only thing I really hold against him is his bravado.  Hmmm...he might actually be a decent guy!

Let's see...his players seem to love playing for him.  He has a better sense of humor than most coaches.  Rexy has, for the most part, been a successful head coach- two trips to the AFC title game the last two years (his first two on the job, OH BY THE WAY).  He's quite portly, which gives me and my expanding waistline hope for success.  Shoot, I might have just talked myself into the Rex Ryan fan club.  Thank you, Thanksgiving!

Since I'm Rex's newest BFF, I have no other alternative than to come to the defense of my closest friend.  Today, the NFL announced that Rex Ryan would be fined $75,000 for swearing at a fan.  Here's the video if you haven't seen it:

Apparently the NFL stands for 'No F-bombs aLlowed', or something.  Apparently in the magical land of the NFL, a fan can provoke a coach who is coming off of a three hour emotional rollercoaster (that pretty much ended with a straight shot down into hell) into saying the 'F' word and it costs the coach $75,000.  Meanwhile, Lee Corso drops an 'Effer in a nice comfy chair surrounded by cute,cheering co-eds-

 

And don't forget beautiful college girls

and gets zero disciplinary action (other than having to apologize on-air).  So unfair.

Seriously, this is completely ridiculous!  Is anyone else as pissed off as I am pretending to be?  I know, I know- these aren't even the same situation.  Two very different bureaucracies (NFL vs. ESPN) involving two wildy divergent histories (the Sunshine Scooter versus the NFL's Marshall Mathers).  Some dufus with a webcam pokes Rex with a verbal stick (which seems about as smart as poking a bear with a stick-stick, and not just because of physical similarities) while Corso works the room like a comedian getting ready to drop the big punchline.  Just makes me sick.

I'm not really bothered by either incident, actually.  I've already talked about how words are really just formations of letters that are devoid of meaning unless it's assigned meaning from an external source.  An 'eff bomb' here or there doesn't really bother me at all- in fact, Lee Corso doubled my joy intake for his gaffer.  I just find it terrible that Ryan's more defensible act cost him 75,000 bones while Corso's seemingly more pre-meditated (at best, less of an emotional reaction) cost him a five-second apology.

Okay, okay, my ill-conceived and baseless rant in defense of my buddy is over.  Yes I was wrong.  I recognize that there are rules for a reason and that Ryan clearly violated the sportsmanship clause of the disciplinary policy.  As the coach of an NFL team, you can't take your frustrations out on the poor, defenseless probably drunk fans.  You have to keep your cool, Rex.

But this is where I show Rex that I'm a real friend.  Because not only did I stick up for him- but I'm going to help him do better next time.  I did some exhaustive research (by that I mean I read like, four articles maybe) and found some ways that Rex can blow off some steam, maintain a sense of self-deviance, and save a bundle of money (or at least get more bang for his buck). 
- Try to rip off an opponents head by grabbing the face mask and just ripping that puppy off.  That only cost Matthew Stafford $7,500.  Savings- $67,500
- Allow someone to try and tear your head off and then get pissed and retaliate, just like D.J. Moore did.  Sure, you'll get fined twice as much as the guy who tries the initial head/neck breach ($15,000), but you'll still save a cool $60,000.
- Next time there's a lockout, just say 'Whatever' to the rules and keep in touch with your players.  The Bucs just got fined 100,000 big ones for improper lockout contact.  Sure, it's more money up front.  But wouldn't you rather spend $100,000 to practice illegally than $75,000 getting pissed because it looks like you don't practice at all?
- Lots of times, we can tell if we're starting to get stressed way before we have a big blow up.  And when that happens, we just have to find someone that we're comfortable talking to.  Blow off a little steam, get some feedback, and we're good to go.  Crisis averted.  Borrow a page from Troy Polamalu's book and just keep a cell phone handy on the sidelines for such an occasion.  That'll only cost you 10k, and save you a fortune (depending on your cell phone plan, of course).
- Sometimes a little talky-talky doesn't really do the soul any good though.  In those instances, the best thing you can do is find someone in a vulnerable, defenseless position and just unload on them.  Knock that poor bastard into next week.  It won't save you a ton of change (Ryan Clark was fined $40,000 for hitting a defenseless receiver), but the satisfaction it brings will make up for it in spades.
- Don't be afraid to do something a little bit dangerous...as far as fashion goes.  The NFL had to fine Earl Bennett twice (for a total of 15,000) and threatened him with an additional $15,000 fine for wearing bright orange shoes during two games (instead of the acceptable orange and blue shoes).  Why the fine?  I posit that it's because Earl was just working those shoes, man!

Admit it- you would pretend to care about fashion to be this close to Heidi Klum.

- It's okay to admit that you don't like Tom Brady.  You hate him.  You don't have to pretend with me, Rexy- I know how you feel about him.  Especially when you look at your own QB (Mark Sanchez) and see how much he sucks when compared to Brady.  It's like that cocky neighbor kid you just can't stand...except you keep comparing him to your own kid and realizing how much better he is than your kid and so you still hate the neighbor kid but now you don't really like your own kid and ALRIGHT ALREADY JUST HIT HIM IN THE KNEE- JUST TAKE A SLEDGEHAMMER TO THAT #*%$*#@*% KNEE FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!!!!  Cost of relief- $15,000 (as long as it's you nicknaming one of your players 'Sledgehammer'.  An actual sledgehammer to the knee will probably run you much more than $15,000)
- Sometimes it's not what you say, but how you say it.  Take A.J. Hawk for example.  In a game earlier this year, Hawk decided to fly the Middle Finger flag- and only got docked $10,000.  Think about it man- if you just flip the bird when you're in the tunnel, instead of using that sweet, sultry baritone booming voice to thunder the old 'F.U.'- you'd most likely still have that $75,000 to spend on Twinkies.  Worst case scenario, you're only out $10,000.

Of course, it'd probably be best if you just handled it like your peers do.  After the game, charge across the field like a crazy-eyed Jack Nicholson, launch yourself into the air (as much as is possible after charging all the way across the field) and simply slam into the opponents coach- a la Jim Harbaugh/Schwartz.  That might be the least appropriate course of action, though.  After all, as a coach, you're expected to model acceptable behavior and model fine, upstanding citizenry.  And to do something like that would cost you way more than the $75,...wait, what?  They didn't get fined?  Never mind.  Break out the Sledgehammer.

Information regarding fines was used from several articles on NFL.com
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