As promised, I present to you (try to hear this being said with a big, booming voice and lots of sparkles) Jasons Top Ten Superhero Movies!
10) Batman forever- Okay, if we're going to be adults here, this was a terrible movie. Batman (a different Batman, to boot) had nipples, Tommy Lee Jones was a silly Two-Face (especially in contrast with Aaron Eckharts sinisterly chilling rendition), and lots of bright neon lights. It made the first two Batman movies seem like they were filmed in black and white. Why is this film in my top ten? One word: Jim Carrey. Much like Tom Brady and a very solid team concept/brilliant salary-cap management/solid defensive schemes singlehandedly willed the Patriots to three Super Bowl titles, Jim Carrey's performance as the Riddler managed to upset the balance of power and make a bad movie into a winner. Or at least, a 'Hey, I'm proud of you guys for overcoming a 21-0 deficit AGAIN and losing only by 7. To the Houston Texans' movie.
9)Dark Knight - Before anybody backs me over with a bus, or threatens to slash my face, or slams my face into a pencil, or straps me to a barrel of gasoline and blows me up, allow me to explain why this top-whatever grossing film is bumping uglies at the bottom with Batman Forever. Well, I can explain. See, I'm not a fan of gore/horror. And while this was no 'Saw' or 'Hostel' or 'Looney Tunes', it was definitely a dark and disturbing movie. I'm sure when I watch it again, I'll like it a lot more. Lots has been said about the amazing job Heath Ledger did as the Joker, but Aaron Eckhart deserves kudos too for a great Two Face. This movie also had one of the top Movie Scenes To Be Satired On You-tube. Go to You-tube, and search for Batman Interrogation Scene. Trust me.
8)Spider-man 2 - While this movie suffers from some of the same crap that Spider-man 1 does (which I am not going to talk about now, read it later and then apply it retroactively to here. Saves me time and makes more work for you), it also has many of the strengths of the first Spider-man (which I will list, because after all, I'm all about positivity. Think of this as my maintaining feng shui of my bloggage). Great casting, great chemistry, great special effects, great villain, great internal toil and struggle. What it has that Spidey 3 doesn't is cohesion and a fluid pace. Oh, and it also has Alfred Molina, who was in one of the most underrated funny movies of all time, The Man Who Knew Too Little
6/7) Tie between Batman Begins and Batman- I couldn't bring myself to seperate these two Batman franchise pilots. While they are two completely different movies, they also both reek of the same awesomeness. Batman B.C. (Before Christian) had Michael Keaton, Jack Nicholson, Kim Bassinger when she had some amount of self respect, and Jack Palance. It was the movie that brought Batman into the darkness...I mean, before, he was going around in the shadows wearing gray and blue? With yellow accents? Are you kidding me? He might as well have announce his presence through a megaphone and wear flashing lights. Tim Burton made Batman one with the night, which forever made Batman cool. While some would debate Nicholson's rendition of the Joker (even I was so moved by Ledger's Joker that I went to the rooftops and told the world I was in love and didn't care who knew it), he did his interpretation well. He was very much funny and maniacal, all at the same time. Classic music, and the best part of all- in Axis chemicals, in the beginning fight scene, the gun shots sound like the gun shots did on 60's television shows. Not like the smooth 'silencer' sounds of today.
Here, I am going to pause briefly to ponder the merits of our multiversal Bruce Waynes. I don't consider Val Kilmer or George Clooney to have actually played the role. I think those were mutations, and history will undoubtedly prove me right. Michael Keaton beats C.Bale in terms of Batmanness. He was cool, collected, and had just enough of a gruff voice to scare you, but not enough to make you say 'I'm sorry, I didn't catch that. You mind, um, saying that one more time?'. Seriously, check out that video on YouTube. Christian Bale, however, pulls off Bruce Wayne much better. Probably because he is, in all honesty, a much sexier man than Michael Keaton. Keaton was in Mr. Mom, for crying out loud! Christian Bale has never been in a role where he stepped beneath his God-given right as a man to not have to cook, clean, or use a vaccum cleaner. Plus, Bale bought a hotel when they told him to leave. Of course, Michael Keaton had a great 30 second stint as the arrogant Bruce Wayne, but Bale spent much of the first movie living it up as a billionaire playboy. We now return to our regularly scheduled program.
What Batman Begins lacks in nostalgia, it makes up by just being a better movie. Well paced, good insight into HOW Batman became the Batman. Cool special effects. Liam Neeson and Cillain Murphy played complex villain roles rather well. This movie showed how flippin' scary Batman would be to the average overworked/underpaid henchman. This movie shows also that perhaps Batman doesn't have actual enemies, just people that can't understand him when he talks. Maybe we aren't seeing conflicts as much as we are witnessing misunderstandings. I mean, I would probably shoot at Batman if he tried to carry on a conversation with me. And I would hopefully hit him in the throat and dislodge whatever it was that was clogging his trachea.
5)Spider-man 1 - Some people probably would have ranked this higher...maybe even #1. Some people also eat onion rings. So I try not to go by the opinions of some people. My wife calls this list 'subjective'. It's not subjective- it's 'obsubjective'- basically combining the best of objectivity and subjectivity. Spider-man will score very highly in terms of casting, for sure. Music, love it. Special effects, great. Story, fantastic. So what gives? Well, here's the deal. Spider-man movies move VERY slowly in terms of action. Now, I know that part of the appeal of Spidey is that he's an 'ordinary guy' (yeah, like we all have been bitten by radioactive spiders and possess above-average intelligence or a combination of the two), so the story is important. But to me, Spidey falls a little bit into the classic 'tweener' category. Like, 'I'm not a drama, but I'm not an action- I'm impressionistic!', or something like that. Here's the deal, and if you're reading this, then you probably know me. I was misdiagnosed as 'normal'. However, I have ADD. I can't back this claim up 'scientifically' or 'medically'. I'm just guessing. But that's neither here nor there. The point is that, if I'm watching Spider-man after having seen it already, my mind is wandering far, far away, because there isn't enough action in it for me. If I wanted a story, I'd learn to read and then I'd read 'Pride and Prejudice' while sitting on the couch in my bathrobe, eating ice cream and crying my eyes out.
4) Iron Man - If there was anyone who was made to play the drunken, arrogant, womanizing Tony Stark, it was Robert Downey Jr. It was like God made Robert Downey Jr. to be a drunken, arrogant womanizer so he could breathe the breathe of life into this movie. Mr. Downey Jr., living the dream. This movie was balls to the wall action, but paced well, AMAZING effects, good dialogue...the only thing that kept it from being ranked higher is the whole 6 minutes of Iron Monger- seriously, can we get some sweet supervillains to get some real screen time?
3) Mystery Men - I'm willing to bet that a few of you might not have heard of this movie. I know I hadn't until I heard about it from some friends. I have to tell the truth- this movie changed my life. I realized, on that day, that I too have a superpower. I, like the Spleen, have the gift of gas. Not the gift of gaB. The gift of gaS. It's like the gift of gab, except you fart from your butt instead of your mouth. But I am getting WAY off topic. Mystery Men is not like the other movies on this list- it is straight comedy, yo. And it's B-movie quality in some respects. But it makes my top three because it is SO funny. I'll tell you who the heroes are and their powers, and then I'm going to compel you to go watch it so you know just how funny it is. Okay, there is: Shoveler- God-given gift to shovel well. Blue Radja- Throws silverware (but not knives, he's not Stab-man). Mr. Furious- Um, he actually has NO powers. Invisible Boy- Can become invisible when no one is looking at him. The Bowler- Throws a bowling ball that has her dead father's skull set into it (it's actually a lot funnier than I'm making it sound). The Spleen- Flatulance. The Sphinx- Terribly mysterious. There are tons of funny quotes, randomness, and one-liners . Seriously, check this movie out. After all, 'what the fork?'.
2)X-Men 1- To me, this movie will forever have a place in my heart as the movie that made comic movies chic. It was the ground breaker. Sure, there were comic movies before X-men, many of them. But they weren't like X-men. See, Batman and Superman transcend comics. They are cultural icons. Everyone knows Batman and Superman, they're the Worlds Finest, man! The X-men were more of a niche in terms of popularity, more associated with comics than with pop culture. X-men changed that, it brought comic books into the broader scope of 'cool'. It showed that comic book panels could be translated to the big screen, and it could look GOOD (other than the fight scene on top of the Statue of Liberty, which is terribly CGIobvious). This movie was great, and would have been the best, if not for...
1)X-men 2 - My brother blatantly disagrees with this choice. He thinks that there is only 10 minutes of great footage, that this movie bored him. Here's the thing- I'm calling shenanigans. There is so much more to X2 than just 10 minutes of awesome. Think about all of the trilogies that you've seen- Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, X-men, Spider-man, just to name a few. Okay, now tell me that X2 isn't the BEST 2nd Movie In A Trilogy that has been made. That alone is consideration for the top slot. But how about these apples: Lady Deathstrike, Magneto gets out of plastic prison, Cyclops new visor, the Airplane/Storm scene, Pyro going ape on the cops, the freaky 'is that a boy or a girl' kid in Professor Xaviers mind (okay, that's not a plus for the movie, I'll give you that)...but what takes the cake, what really put this movie over the edge and into the hallowed halls of Blog Immortality is the opening scene with Nightcrawler. If you can name one piece of cinematic history that tops this in terms of awesomonomy, I will call you a liar and give you a junkshot. There is none...BAMF BAMF BAMF- this scene single handedly convinced me that the number one power I would want to have as a mutant is the ability to teleport (along with telepathy, telekinisis, accelerated healing factor, the ability to control ice, the ability to control fire, the ability to control the weather, the ability to shoot lasers out of my eyes, and the ability to throw a deck of cards and have them explode. Oh, and to turn my body into organic steel). Plus, that whole Brotherhood/X-men camping trip where Wolverine puts the moves on Jean Grey, and then Mystique puts the moves on Wolverine as Jean Grey/Storm/Rogue/General Striker. Good thing that Wolverine stabbed her in the first movie, otherwise he'd probably have gone off and married her, and then spent the rest of his life wondering why there were two Jean Greys, and why his smelled like blue paint and latex.
There you have it. If you have long suffered in your waiting, I hope your pain was relieved. If I caused you pain by having read this, you cannot sue me, because I have nothing of value, except this lamp...
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