I think there are some good things that come out of Fantasy Football. I think there is a lot of bad things that come out of Fantasy Football. I suppose that I have a chance to learn how to serenity to accept the things I can change, the courage to accept the things I cannot, and the wisdom to know the difference.
And what of the situations where things I can change and cannot change go to the crapper? Common Sense, which I have some control over, has betrayed me, and The Experts, who I am basically a slave to, are just as clueless as I am about the NFL.
See, Common Sense is just about the only friend that a Fantasy Football player has (aside from the Experts). As amazing as the information age is, we're not privy to everything. We don't get to watch all the practices. We don't get entry into the pain receptors of each athlete to know how hurt they really are. So all we can do is look at each match-up and use our Common Sense to determine who is most likely to score the most points. And when our Common Sense doesn't lean either way, we call upon The Experts to give us a little nudge in the right direction.
When your Common Sense and The Experts are wrong? Then you are effed.
Look, I know there are things I can't control. Ryan Grant gets hurt in the 2nd quarter of game 1? Hey, I can't do anything about that. Jermichael Finley gets hurt on the 2nd play of a recent game? Jesus, please heal him, and stat...unless they put him on injured reserve, and then it can probably wait. But Fantasy Football is all about this control-illusion, and the things you think you control actually rely very heavily on things that you have no control over- and it doesn't matter how much wisdom you acquire when you lose the game because you started the wrong RB.
I wish that I could tell you that I have some sort of new revelation about how to approach Fantasy Football. That I've unlocked the Holy Grail that no longer requires Common Sense or The Experts. But I haven't. I'm still just as clueless as I was before.
And yet, I am not without hope. My Snow Flurries have (pardon the pun) weathered the storm, endured an 0-4 start, and are currently on a 3 game winning streak. I'm one bad play away from being 4-3, so I feel pretty good about my team (of course, this comes at a price- when I was 0-4, I was enjoying the Fantasy Football experience much more than I am now that I am on a winning streak). We're healthy, we're talented...and we lost another key player to a long-term injury. I have absolutely no idea how the second half of the season is going to go.
For now, I just want to summarize the first half. I wanted to wait until season was over and do it like that (a la the first year), but I figured this way it'd be more fresh- this pain, these emotions, this bleeding heart of mine- and it would give me a therapeutic outlet heading into the second half.
Here's how I done so far:
Week 1- Opening week. Divisional match. Against my brother. What a way to set the tone for the Snow Flurries triumphant march towards the title. Oops- a loss. 97-71, I fall to Team Doomsday. And Ryan Grant falls onto the IR list. And my season falls apart (or not...I suppose it's still on life support-or able to eat some Jell-o).
What went right- I had some solid performances- Tony Romo (17 points) and Ronnie Brown (14 points) each put up double digits, as did Mohammed Massaquoi (10 points), Darren McFadden (20 points) and the Bears D (23 points).
What went wrong- The last three names on that list were all on my bench. Basically I left 53 points on the bench. But that wasn't the worst part-the real stinger is that Ryan Grant, my top draft choice, was injured for the season. The only saving grace for this week was that Calvin Johnson dropped the winning TD against the Bears and Josh left Hakeem Nicks (25 points) on the bench in place of Roy Williams (2 points). And by 'saving grace', I literally mean grace- because I could have lost by much more than I did. Thanks bro- much love!
Bonehead move- When you lose by 20+ points, it's hard to think of any move as a "bonehead" move. I should have started the Bears D vs the Lions (I got sucked into the whole "hope" fiasco), and if I would have given McFadden a chance he would have paid off- but honestly, when you lose your top RB for the season less than 2 quarters into the first game, you can't expect too much. Right?
Week 2- The Snow Flurries, still reeling from the tragic death of Ryan Grant, forget to show up in week 2 and lost by 50- Team Fergy providing the 131-81 dismantling.
What went right- My bench outscored his bench 114-70. So suck it Fergy! On a more serious note, I had some super outings from my RBs- McFadden had 15 points, and Jason Snelling, subbing for an injured Michael Turner, exploded for 36 points.
What went wrong- When I say "subbing for an injured Michael Turner", it's a literary device I am using to purposefully mislead you. What I'm neglecting to mention is that Turner got hurt in the 2nd quarter (hmmm...must remember to pray more during the 2nd quarter), after I had already started him. So all those points that Snelling scored were useless for me, except for puffing up my bench (which at this point would be 2-0 and has outscored my starting line-up both games). Also, my starting receivers racked up a grand total of 7 points (which was less than every single player on Fergy's team except one guy- who had 7 points of his own). Suck it Snow Flurries!
Bonehead move- Surprisingly- none! Snellings outburst came after an unforeseen injury, so I made the logical (read: Common Sense) play, most of my bench points came from D's and QB's, and none of them could have been started with any noticeable effect on the final score. I could have started Dustin Keller (18 points) at TE over Finley (11 points)...but again, the gain would have been minimal.
Week 3- This is where my friends Common Sense and The Experts must have had some sort of secret Illuminatiesque conference and decided that they were going to screw me. That's the only logical explanation I have for dropping a 127-118 heartbreaker to Team War Machine.
What went right- My team dedicates the remainder of the season to the memory of Ryan Grant (I don't have the heart to tell them that he's really just hurt) and comes out with guns blazing. I have 7 double digit point getters, and Turner and McFadden combine for 37 points. War Machine starts Matt Forte (3 points) and the other Steve Smith (2 points) in place of Brandon Lloyd (23 points) and Jeremy Maclin (20 points). The stars are lining up in my favor.
What went wrong- It's hard to get too down on oneself for making misplays- because the other guy can often make them as well. The thing is that in Fantasy Football, you depend on your opponent making stupid moves while you are busy being brilliant. So while War Machine made a couple plays that benefited me, I saw what he was doing and decided to raise him. Because of "Common Sense", I decided to start the Ravens D against the Cleveland Browns instead of the Bears D against the Packers. Can you tell me if there is a universe where a real life coach would have rather played against the Packers instead of the Browns? Well apparently there is- and it's the Fantasy universe, because the Bears D scored 36 points while the Ravens tallied 14. I was beside myself- how can I continue to live in a world where crappy offenses give my Fantasy defenses more trouble than great offenses? But that's okay, because newly acquired Anquan Boldin registered 33 points at...wait- what's that? I sat him? Why did I sit him? Oh yeah- Because the ESPN Fantasy Forecasters predicted Tim Hightower would have more points than he did. And Hightower did have more points than Boldin did-negative 29 more points to be exact.
Bonehead move- Listening to others instead of taking control of my team and running it my way. I swore then and there to never let another man dictate my Fantasy Football decisions. Obviously that lasted about all of 4 weeks.
Week 4- My team is on the ropes- and Team Bullies delivers the knock-out blow in a 105-82 defeat, knocking us to 0-4.
What went right- Chad Henne threw 3 interceptions. His real team lost 41-14. And I was happy as heck to have him at QB this week. With Romo on a bye week, I needed a fill-in starter. and 19 points was an extremely serviceable outing from the young gunslinger.
What went wrong- McFadden hurts his hamstring in the 4th quarter. I'm having flashbacks to 2009. The worst part is, though, that there is literally no other roster play that I could have made to win this game. None. Zero. Zilch. I was just flat out defeated by a better team. And sometimes, that stings worse than woulda/coulda/shoulda/
Bonehead move- None- I'm speechless. This is the low point. 0-4...forget the playoffs, let's just win a game. But with my top running back in the after-life, and my new top running back nursing a sore hamstring, and my receivers producing more eggs than a Leghorn chicken. It might be time to throw in the towel.
Week 5- With nothing to lose, and a 4-0 team visiting Marquette, I tell the team that Ryan Grant is actually alive. They seem- relieved! They aren't even bothered by the fact that their coach (many of whom regard me as a father figure) lied to them- they can see that what I did, I did to protect them because I care deeply for them. Armed with a new-found sense of faith in themselves (and more importantly, their coach), the Snow Flurries rally to defeat Team El Diablo 113-92 for their (and more importantly, my) first win of the year.
What went right- Tony Romo and daaaaaa Bears. They combine for 69 points- 69! Also, a special shout out has to go to the KC Chiefs actual defense, which held Peyton Manning to 7 points.
What went wrong- Probably the weirdest win I've ever had. Aside from the aforementioned stinker by Manning, I had 3 players score 0 points. That's right- a full third of my lineup had no points. I literally do no know how that happened. What's even more amazing- there is literally no way that El Diablo could have beat me- his top scoring line-up of the week would have still lost to me by 3. Oh yeah, I lost Jermichael Finley for the season on the second play of his game.
Bonehead move- Peyton Manning scores only 7 points? I win despite 3 players on the NO SOUP FOR YOU column? I'm not going to try and evaluate any sort of decision making- this is obviously just one of those flukes of probability.
Week 6- Another week, another upset victory- this time over Team Moose, 116-99. My team is really starting to buy in. Being the master motivator that I am, I had T-shirts made for my team to wear under their game jerseys.
Really, we're one bad week away from being a .500 team (of course, we're four bad weeks away from being undefeated, and two good weeks away from being winless).
What went right- My former kicker (Lawrence Tynes) was a little tweaked, and it was thought that he might not play (I guess The Experts are not totally daft)- so I dropped him and picked up Sebastian Janikowski, who banged home 10 points for the Snow Flurries. Tony Romo threw 3 scoring passes for the Cowboys, none of them went to Miles Austin. Finally, the Bears D, which was not doing very well at all (against the Seahawks- WTH???) came through in a big way at the end of their game when Devin Hester returned a punt 89 yards for a score that quadrupled their fantasy production.
What went wrong- Well, if I want to get greedy, I could say that I could have played Michael Crabtree instead of Steve Smith and picked up an extra 4 points (11 vs. 7)- but again, because of the NFL schedule (half of Team Moose's bench was on a bye week), there was no possible configuration that my foe could have ran that would have made up the difference.
Bonehead move- None. Maybe I've figured this Fantasy Football thing out. It's possible that I am the Bill Belichick of Fantasy Football.
Week 7- Well it turns out that I am in fact Bill Belichick- only instead of being the nerves-of-steel 3-time Super Bowl champion version, I'm version 1.suck. I spent the 1:00 round of games freaking out because I played the Bears over the Ravens D, and then the 4:00 games tearing hair out because I played Chris Ivory instead of Darren McFadden. I'm still trying to process whether I am happy because I won (130-102 over Team Dennis) or mad because I am an idiot.
What went right- Turner and Bowe each had 20+ points. Steve Smith had 17 for me, and Anquan Boldin had 15. Dennis leaves Percy Harvin (16 points) and Kenny Britt (42 points) on the bench.
What went wrong- Well let's just put this out there right now. Sunday morning, I was checking my roster, and I had this small, tiny voice in my head telling me to put in the Bears D and Darren McFadden. Was it God? I don't know. If God intervenes in Super Bowls, then surely He would give a guy a small Fantasy Football nudge. And of course, if you have a choice between listening to an omnipotent deity or finite Common Sense, you listen to the deity right? But here's the thing. It's the Ravens- playing the Bills. And "The Experts" said that (direct quote) "McFadden should be available if you need him, but it is probably best to use another option if possible".
Dear Lord, I appreciate You providing me some insider information. At this time, I have decided to pursue my own insights into this weeks match-ups. I'm sorry God, but You're trying to tell me that playing the Bears against D-McNabb is better for me than the Ravens versus the Bills? And Ryan Fitzpatrick? Really? Thanks but no thanks.
(I do hope that you will consider giving me future insider tips, because I am not very good at this Fantasy Football thing.)Well, at least I didn't suffer any more injuries. Oh wait. I did. Romo fractured his collarbone during the first half against the Giants. Out for several weeks. Possibly the season.
Bonehead move- Yeah...McFadden had 28 points...in the first half. 44 for the game. I still won- but I wouldn't have had to spend most of Sunday kicking myself in the ass for the big benching. How many times do you have a player score 40+ points in Fantasy Football? Not many. As for the D situation? One advantage of giving up a bunch of points is that you get a bunch of chances to return kicks (and get points in our league), and the Ravens scored 24 points (versus the 29 that the Bears put up with). So it was a wash...NOT.
So four consecutive losses followed by three consecutive victories. Three players lost for the season. We have been down- but not out. And as Ryan Grant lives, so do the Snow Flurries. We shall endure. We may lose every game for the rest of the season, but I will not fail to keep updating my roster. Besides, all is not lost-after all, if the season ended today, I'd be in the playoffs. (At the rate that my players are dropping, I really wish that the season was going to end today).
How will this all play out? Tune in 6 or so weeks to find out how the second half of my season goes! (Or you could just follow my Sunday status updates on Facebook and get a general idea for how I'm doing).
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