50 ways to improve your health...if you are from another planet.

Remember the praises that I sang about the new health care bill? The caution that I preached as the wrinkles were ironed out? Well, I take it all back- you should be outraged at the idea of universal health care...if for no other reason than the fact that our doctors are nothing more than a collection of fancy old wives and their tales. At least, the doctors on TV are.

Sara and I stumbled on a list of 50 health info "nuggets" that sound more like proverbs from Poor Richard. This list of health 'wisdom' came from a doctors website that is an outlet from a doctors TV channel. If you tuned in thinking that you were going to get the benefit of 8+ years of high quality doctoral education- think again.

The full list can be found at http://www.thedoctorstv.com/files/50_Ways.pdf

These are some of the high (low?) points.

1. Eating spinach can improve your eyesight.
2. Adding lemon to your green tea will help you get all the health benefits from it.
3. Adding raspberries to your diet can help stabilize your blood sugar and help prevent diabetes.
Basically what I'm getting here is 'eat your fruits and vegetables'. Which our uneducated parents have been telling us for years (uh, hey mom and dad- that didn't come out right, but you know what I mean, right?).

4. Eating a baked potato, especially with the skin, helps increase your potassium levels and decrease blood pressure.
And the only way you can legitimately eat a baked potato is with globs of sour cream, cheese, and bacon bits. I know that doctors know this, so their silence in this matter obviously means that all systems are go.

5. Eating garlic can reduce your risk of prostate cancer by 50 percent.
Unfortunately you also risk missing out on a chance to meet the love of your life.

7. Cinnamon can be a natural appetite suppressant because it controls insulin spikes.
And cinnamon rolls can be a natural appetite suppressant because you just eat so gosh-darn many of them.

9. Don’t drink all of your calories!
Is this really a problem for people? I mean, who doesn't like to get most of their calories from a nice juicy Big Mac, or a chili-cheese burrito. Besides healthy people, I mean.

13. Water vapor from cooking can cause mold, so make sure to always turn the kitchen fan on.
Our kitchen fan is always on- but not to prevent water vapor mold- it's to keep our trigger-happy smoke alarm from going off.

14. Keep your cat off of counters and tables. If it likes to jump on them, try putting sticky paper, aluminum foil or pepper on the surface because cats don’t like them on their paws.
Or, you could just cook your cat. I find that if you wrap them in aluminum foil, season them with a pinch of pepper, and stick them in the oven for 30 minutes, they are simply delicious.

15. Don’t vacuum more than once a week because vacuuming too much can stir up dust mites.
We at the Parks household definitely do not have to worry about vacuuming too often.

16. Always stand when you flush the toilet to avoid getting bacteria from the water on you.
Also, this will help to protect you from sewer alligators or getting suctioned onto the seat.

18. Don’t wet your eye shadow or eyeliner brushes with saliva.
Some of these don't actually need the commentary- it sort of writes itself. This is one of those.

20. Clean make-up brushes with vinegar to kill bacteria.
I actually didn't know this one. Nice work.

22. To avoid medication mix-ups, paint the lids of your prescription bottles.
Or you could, you know, actually read the labels. The ones that the highly trained professionals put on the bottles.

23. Keep birth control pills next to your toothbrush.
Because if you aren't brushing your teeth every day, you are probably already practicing a more natural form of birth control. This idea is a win/win.

25. Have your baby wear sunglasses.
It will remind you that when you have a child, all of the coolness that used to reside in you is subsequently transferred to your children.

27. Wet swimsuits can pose health hazards, so change out of your wet trunks as soon as possible.
Guys call this hazard 'shrinkage'.

32. Put your child on a sleep schedule.
In other news, killing yourself can be hazardous to your health.

37. When running on the treadmill, increase the speed or incline for a better workout.
What is a treadmill?

39. Squeeze your glutes when lifting weights overhead.
Or, you could try squeezing someone else's glutes when they are lifting weights overhead. But that might get you arrested. So maybe don't do that.

41. Plank exercises help burn calories.
Which is one reason why pirates were in such good shape.

43. Improve your fertility by quitting smoking.
Because who wants to kiss an ashtray- seriously?

47. Adding cream or milk to coffee will dilute the dark brown stain coffee can leave and help keep your teeth a little whiter.
It also helps it to not taste like crap.

48. Prevent tooth erosion by drinking a glass of water after drinking soda.
Because doctors realize that Americans are definitely not going to stop drinking soda...even if a doctor tells them to.

50. Hugs help prevent heart disease.
There are some smaller studies that refute this claim.

I don't want to make it sound like these things are 'wrong' or 'bad'...but they also don't really seem to be 2011 newsworthy. I mean, humanity is often stupid, sure- but give us a little bit of credit. But only a little bit.