Open Ice

Here's something that you should know about me. As thoughtful, sensitive, and caring as I might be, there is one area where I tend to walk first and look later- and that is with the area of movie spoilers. At any given moment, I am prone to start talking or writing about a movie with the assumption that you have seen it. As part of the 2011 Jason Parks upgrades, I'm trying to get better in this area. So I'm letting you know now- SPOILERS.

Last night, we had a friend come over. We watched a movie. It was awesome, a wonderful time- one of those magical evenings that you just don't want to end- and no, it has nothing to do with the fact that we are parents of young children and are pretty much recluse shut-ins. The movie was Robin Hood: Men in Tights. It's a great movie!

So after it was over, we were hungry for more. So we scoured Netflix Instant, looking for the One Movie that could sate our appetite. And we found....well, we found a movie. Frozen. It was pretty intense, like a labor contraction after you've had an epideral. Think Open Water, but instead of the vast expanse of ocean, our threesome is trapped on a ski-lift somewhere in the mountains. And the sharks are wolves.

I'm not going to tell you much about the movie in terms of a synopsis- there will be no analysis of character development here, or discussion of the plot. What I am going to tell you is the basic life principles that I learned from this movie, that I immediately integrated into Jason Parks 2.011.

Actually, before I get into that, there is one little thing that bothers me. The dude that played Iceman in the X-Men movies, Shawn Ashmore, was in this movie. Why couldn't he conjure some of that mutant magic? Or sent a psychic distress signal to Professor X? I would have thought a guy that spent time as Iceman could have handled this situation much better than he did. Is it because those powers don't transfer between roles? If so, then I'll have to rethink my desire to reprise the role of Totally Cool And Popular Awesome Man.

Okay. Here's what I learned.
1) Don't go skiing. EVER. But I knew that already.

2) If you decide to go skiing, purchase a legitimate lift ticket. If you con your girlfriend into getting you onto the lift for a discounted price, you will get stuck on the lift, and you will die. Also, adhere to the rules of the slopes. If you try and talk the lift operator into taking one last run right before close, he will probably cave and give you what you want. But then he will leave you stranded there, and you will die.

3) If your friends girlfriend is a terrible snowboarder, and you spend most of your time on the bunny hill- be okay with that. Because all of your skiing prowess will be useless when you are forced to sled down the hill on a snowboard while you are being chased by hungry wolves. Wolves that, by the way, will catch you and eat you off screen.

4) If you are in an intense arctic climate, and have to choose between covering your face and your hand- choose your face. Because even if you rip skin clean off of your hand, it will obviously regenerate at a rapid rate.

5) When mulling over your chances to survive, choose the survival option that is least likely to leave you lying helpless on the ground with multiple compound fractures while a pack of wolves catches your scent. I mean, chances are 2 to 1 that you are going to die anyways- but at least this way, you have at least a glimmer of hope before it is torn away by the jaws of a wild animal.

6) If you are watching multiple movies in one night, it is best to save the light hearted comedy for the end, instead of the psychological thriller. Especially if your movie night swaths a path right to 3 in the morning.

But it was a movie night that was well worth it, and there were no repercussions of sleeping in- in no way did Delaney get glue all over the table. And Shane definitely did not wet through his pull-up all over the futon. So...all is well. Yes, yes- all is well.