Jesus love your church like I love my wife. No wait...don't do that. That is a terrible idea.

There comes a point where every blogger has to decide how much of themselves that they are willing to really share through this medium. I mean, sure, the really famous bloggers have hundreds of readers and can pretty much just say whatevs- but for guys like me, readership is largely limited to family, friends, and acquaintances. I have to balance my desire to share all my thoughts and ideas with the knowledge that I'm not doing this in a bubble- that I will most likely have interaction with people that read the stuff I write. As much as I want this to be a journal of sorts, the fact is that I have to determine how much of what things I'm going to share.

But I need to write this- because these thoughts and this struggle have been by and large fought in the recesses of my mind and soul- and I need to put them out there. I need to have them in a place other than inside of me. For insight from others? Maybe. Mostly so that it can be known that I have a heart and soul, and that for all the things I do poorly and perhaps improperly- I am trying to be a better person. A better father. A better husband.

A couple weeks ago I was with a group of dudes praying at church. With the undiagnosed ADD that I have, I noticed that we were all married dudes, and so I started thinking about the verse where husbands are told to love their wives like Christ loves the church (Ephesians 5:25). And I prayed that for all of us in that little group- a couple newly weds, a longer-wed, and me.

Then I was visited three times by an angel dress...no, that's not what happened. And I did not experience any sort of mystical tractor beam drawing me towards in- but this verse has stayed with me these past two weeks. I've been consciously pursuing it, chewing on it, and wrestling with it. Husbands love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. As Christ loved the church.

Christian dudes, we love to hear the preceding verse (24) that says wives need to submit to their husbands. I mean, it just seems so simple to us- hey, I'm the husband, you're the wife, and you need to do what I say. I realize that we could begin a discussion about the changing gender roles within marriage in the 21st century, or even the role of marriage in our society- but that's not what I'm blogging about.

I try not to be this overbearring tyrant that makes decisions from the seat of his pants, expecting my wife to just shut up and play good soldier. We're fairly (I think, anyways) egalitarian, and the only time the 'Submit' card gets played is in really ridiculous situations, like when we're trying to figure out which movie to watch or where to grab pizza.

Do I feel like the 'wives submit to your husbands' is slightly antiquated then? Perhaps. But I believe that the husband part of the verse still has a very real place in the institution of marriage today. Even as gender roles change, the fact that love should have such a self-sacrificial tone is something timeless.

Not that I've been a shining example of this by any means. Those who know me most closely could testify to my selfishness- both overt and subtle. I can be extremely thoughtless and absorbed in my own little world. So these past couple weeks I've been making a more concentrated effort to have sacrificial love be a part of my relationship with my wife. It hasn't been easy- hence the blog post.

Because I wasn't brought up in a world where this type of thinking is very prevelant. This culture is not predicated on what we can do for others, but rather what others can do for us. It's the Capitalist song. So I'm left in the rubble asking what does such a love look like? And then how do I translate that love into the circumstances of our lives? How do I so freely give of myself in this society that stands coiled and ready to pounce?

I suppose I could do an in-depth study on the different iterations of the word 'love' in the bible- the different Greek verbs and their tenses, the subtle nuances and the different meanings. But that's now how I roll- not on a Saturday morning. So you get the cliff notes version.

It's pretty common to associate love in our culture with the romantic, pre-marriage sort of love. You know, where you talk on the phone for hours about nothing, and have nervous laughter, and try to hold your gas in when you're around them. You may write poetry or songs, and encircle their initials with a heart. And that's a very valid aspect of love, I don't disagree with that.

But when I look around me and see marriages and families torn apart over lack of 'love'- it seems like these situations center around a rather juvenile understanding of the concept. Yes, the spark may be gone, and that same spark may be ignited by the presence of a new person. But much of that is just the feeling of uncertain excitement- we marvel over the unknown. Once it becomes familiar, it becomes boring. So love has to be deeper. Love is a commitment. Love is a sacrifice. Without those aspects, then love is just hopping from one romantic comedy to the next.

Jesus' love for humanity is defined by the cross. In that place, he showed husbands everywhere how to love their wives. It's not pretty. It's not sexy, at all. In fact, it will be one of the most grueling and difficult tasks that we have to do.

I didn't understand that when I first got married. I was too preoccupied by nervous glances and warm fuzzies to really take time to meditate on the fact that I was being called to love her in a way that not only sacrificed my own desires- but also would operate under the assumption that there would be no reciprocation. Think about this- Jesus was crucified by the same people He was sent to save. It'd be like your wife pulling a gun on you during the wedding vows and you standing there and saying 'I do'. Love doesn't need to be reciprocated by another person, because it is a virtue that sustains itself by its expression. Like Wesley in Princess Bride, we're poor farm boys getting ordered around- and loving it. We do not this thing because we are permitted to- we do it because we have to. We do it because we are compelled.

Wait a minute, that's a terrible take on love! Well yes- but it is what it is. That's the journey that I've been on these past couple weeks. It's pushing myself to do things that I'm asked to do, even when I don't want to. I don't feel like getting up with the kids while Sara sleeps in. I probably don't want to work on the house when I have free time during the day. Maybe I just want to buy something for myself at Starbucks. And it doesn't matter if I'm working on a stellar blog post- if she's talking to me, I need to stop and listen.

The reason I struggled with writing this is that I worried that I might be somehow nullifying my efforts by making this struggle public. I mean, does real love need to let itself be known out loud like this? Jesus' death on the cross, in its own time, was not this huge spectacle. It was a death amongst thieves, witnessed by only a few. And yet, it was an act of love that has inspired millions of people throughout time.

That's the goal I am striving for (except, instead of 'millions', it should read 'my wife and children'). I long to have these simple actions incorporated into my being so that they happen without so much as a second glance. Maybe there will be no fireworks or chick flicks made about it. The only thing that matters is that my wife knows I love her- even if she doesn't realize all of the ways I might show it.