In the process of cleaning out our downstairs closet, I came across some writings of mine from a few years ago. I spent some time today reading through some of them and posting them on my alternate blog. You know? This one?
What a fascinating look into my past. Since a feasible time travel method has yet to be invented, this is the closest way to communicate with my past self. What an interesting person I must have been! So young and full of these big ideas! So bold and brash- thinking to use words to change the world....
And such pain.
I don't recall being emo. I am pretty sure that I was a decently happy person. As a (I believe) fairly insightful person I am pretty confident that, for all intents and purposes, I have led a charmed life. Disgustingly charmed, actually, compared to most of the world.
And so I started thinking about it. I started thinking about pain, and how I cope with it. I started thinking about how I handled good times. Then a light bulb went on. And, as you all know, light bulbs equal blogs.
As an internal processor, I've always navigated through difficult times with an overactive thought life that subsequently manifests itself in the output of words. I believe this is because, unfortunately, words are often the only tool that we know of to adequately express ourselves. I don't know exactly what I'm feeling, but I know what words best approximate it, so I'll just go ahead and use those.
Also, when painful things happen, there is this need to have them make sense to us. I posit that most of us probably prescribe to, at some level anyways, the idea that good things happen to good people (namely, us). So when something happens to shake that worldview, we need it to make sense. We need it to fit in our context. Sometimes we blame God. Sometimes we call it a test from God. Sometimes we point the finger at someone else. But we have to make sense of it. The idea of a random universe is scary, so some order must be restored. That's where words come in. If we can shape an objective point of view (i.e. the dictionary definition of a word) to fit our subjective experience, it can help us to navigate through those difficult times.
On the flip side, I think it is harder for me to write about happiness and joy because I'm just too darn busy enjoying those moments and soaking them up. There's not a need for any sort of introspection or framing because this is as it should be. I don't take the time to connect the word puzzle picture with those feelings because I just want to live them.
The unfortunate thing about that is I'm left in the aftermath trying to recreate those wonderful moments with words that are woefully inadequate to describe the sensation. I'm left with words like 'awesome', 'amazing', 'breathtaking', and 'wow'....nice words in their own right, but not really sufficient either. So we come up with a phrase- "words cannot express" (which, granted, can be used to describe pain as well)- that still uses words and is basically useless.
In the end, I have found that happiness in my life is best expressed externally via tactile,visual, or audible mechanisms. Hugs, kisses, smiles, laughter, pleasant sighs- those are how I express my joy. I love words, and they help me to make sense of my world. But they have limits, and in those moments of their weakness, I thank God that I don't have to rely on them to share my victories with the ones I love.
Now, to find a way to go back in time and slap 24 year old Jason out of his doldrums. "Get a grip, man! You don't even end up with her, you idiot!"
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