Friendship like flower petals fall

Forget everything I've ever said might be the toughest thing about parenting.  There's a new sheriff in town- and it is Kindergarten friendships.

As I write this, I'm struck by several conflicting emotions, all working together to paint this tapestry that we call parenthood.  I feel alone- like all of my struggles are occurring uniquely in my own private corner of the world.  I feel relief (mixed with horror) that my struggles are probably universal.  I feel hope that regardless of the struggles, there will come a day when I look back on these years and wonder- how the hell did we survive?  And I feel worry that my biggest flaws will swallow up my children's biggest strengths, turning them into little imperfect clones who can laugh and giggle with the best of them but struggle to have authentic human relationships.

Let me explain.

A few months ago, Delaney met her first Kindergarten friend, a little girl named (for the purposes of confidentiality) Anna.  I remember the time we bumped into her family at Wal-Mart, shortly after school had started.  It was quite wonderful- standing there chit-chatting with her mother (who is very nice and fortunately seems normal), watching our daughters smile shyly and giggle nervously.  How precious to see those genesis moments of friendship- two precious little girls, not really knowing what to do or what to say, just knowing that there was something inside that lit up a little bit when the other was around.

It's not that Delaney was friendless before (please- she has tons of friends.  Just like her dad)- but Anna is the first girl that Delaney has befriended outside of our circle of influence.  We've known all of her other friends, either through relatives or living arrangements.  Anna is the first fruits of us letting our daughter swim out into the ocean on her own.  She is the symbol of our faith in society.

Over the first couple of months, it was a darling little friendship to see in action.  When we dropped Delaney off at school, she'd often stand next to Anna and her family while we waited for the doors to open.  Delaney doesn't talk about school often (which could probably be another blog post altogether), but she does like to talk about Anna and the fun they have out at the tires at recess.  So why the blog post?

Unfortunately, not all is okay at the O.K. Corral. I can't say definitively what the deal is and I'm no Batman- but something is up.  When I dropped Delaney off at school on Friday, Anna was standing there with another girl, smiling and holding her hand.  Hey.  Hey you- what do you think you're doing?  Delaney stood over by them, but she might as well have been the chair the little brown haired chubby kid was sitting on.

Then, while the kids were putting the red folders into the box and their coats in their cubbies Anna and mystery girl (after sharing a joyful embrace) ran over to do puzzle together.  I gave Delaney a hug and kiss goodbye and watched her go over and sit behind the girls as they worked on a puzzle.  I had to leave before seeing how things progressed from there (I don't really relish the idea of getting dragged out of the school with a police escort), but in that moment I forgot all about school as a learning institution and saw it instead as a social one.  Did I just witness the beginning of the end of her first friendship?

Long term, I am not worried.  I know that many people come and go, and that people change and grow and it's not a guarantee that your best friend in Kindergarten will be your best friend later in life (or even in elementary school).  I've managed to keep a solid friendship with my Kindergarten BFF (I even stood up in his wedding last year), but middle school claimed an elementary friendship of my youngest sister.  And we're both fine....I think.  

Besides, it's not like the friendship is necessarily over (and believe me, that's all that was on my mind Friday and was the first thing I asked her when she got home).  I'm very aware of my propensity to overreact.  It's just that I know how innocent Delaney is- and how sensitive.  I'm worried that she'll misread something and push Anna away.  I wonder about Anna just wanting other friends but not knowing how to communicate it and pushing Delaney away. 

There's a whole lot of control struggle going on here, believe me.  It's so tough just letting her go to school and put herself and her feelings out there and knowing what will (someday, somehow) eventually happen.  It's the hope that I've prepared her enough and the worry that I haven't.

The trials of these early years feel so much like a referendum on my parenting.  Like every bad day and every tear is the product of my deficiency, or something.  Insecure much?  Well yes, to be frankly honest.   

It doesn't help that I feel like we're outsiders.  Because of our work schedules and school schedules and our own personalities, we're just not huge social butterflies.  It's tough to see so many of the other parents who all seem to know each other, with some sort of history.  And they all seem like they're in such stable places in their lives.  Meanwhile we're hopping around from transition to transition.  Factor in that I'm really not a person who does well with entering into meaningful relationships, and we could be talking about the Hindenberg of parenting, folks.   

The toughest part of parenting is the worry that my failings will become my daughters failings, and that all of her wonder, her joy, her imagination, her sense of humor will get lost in translation.  My biggest fear is that her immeasurable gifts and talents will be dimmed by the tarnish of my mistakes.  I worry that she will be like me, someone friendly- but not necessarily a good friend.  

I know tough times are ahead- I just hope that this storm will be a minor one to weather.  It will be- it will be.  I know the wonder that my daughter is.  Besides- how good is this other girl at playing on the tires, anyways?