Marvel Machine defense

Welcome to part 2 of my "Marvel vs. DC: The Gridiron Years" saga.  If you missed part 1, then click here.  If you read it and don't miss it, then WHO NEEDS YOU ANYWAYS?????

Sorry about that- I forgot to take my Internet estrogen.  Here's a look at the defense.  As before, pictures are from comicvine.com and measurables are from marvel.com.  Now, let's get ready to rumble:

Defensive end- Hulk
8', 1400 lbs

Assuming that the Hulk can stay mad (and I can't imagine that would be difficult while mucking around in the trenches), Marvel has a defensive end fueled by rage who continues to grow stronger as he gets angrier.  Reminds me a lot of Donkey Kong Suh.  They might need a way to figure out how to help Hulk control that rage though- otherwise I'm seeing a continuous series of encroachment and roughing-the-passer penalties from the Jolly Green Giant.  And when I say 'roughing-the-passer', I mean 'beating-the-passer-into-a-bloody-pulp'.  Which is still probably just a 15-yard penalty with automatic first down.  Can't protect quarterbacks too much, eh Goodell?

Nose tackle- Blob
5'10", 510 lbs

There are a lot of fat dudes that have made a lot of money in the NFL simply because they could stand there in the middle of the defensive line and not be moved.  Well who better in the comic universe to fill that role than the Blob?  Seriously, I think this guy single-handedly shuts down any inside run game from DC, and frees up the D-ends to tee off on the DC quarterback.  Plus, he's a fat guy wearing a leotard.  So that too will help slow down the DC offense.  Have you ever tried running a football while suppressing the gag reflex?

Defensive end- Colossus
7'5", 500 lbs

Besides already having his own shoulder pads, Colossus is an asset to the Marvel D because of his organic steel frame, super strength, and Russian heritage.  But really it's because he has his own shoulder pads.  Those things aren't cheap!

Outside linebacker- Sabretooth
6'6", 375 lbs

Sabretooth is like Lawrence Taylor from Hell.  This angry quarterback-seeking missile prowls the offensive backfield with death and blood on his mind.  He won't be making plays as much as he will be making piles of dead bodies that you have to step over to get past the line of scrimmage.

Inside linebacker- Iron Man
6'6", 425 lbs

Look, I've seen all three Iron Man movies.

This one's my favorite.  Although, why didn't he blow stuff up?

So I know the weapons systems and targeting and tracking and all that stuff that Tony Stark has inside that suit.  Combined with his cockiness and natural smarts, I can't think of a better captain of the Marvel D.  Plugging him in at inside linebacker gives his suit the proper vantage point to utilize his technology to shut down the opposing offense.  Also, it keeps him away from the fans, who are probably going to be drinking beer. 

Inside linebacker- Doctor Octopus
5'9", 245 lbs

As I think back to the two weeks that I spent playing defense in high school (before they realized I was too weak and slow to be anything more than a welcome mat), I remember our coach screaming at us about the importance of using our hands and not allowing the blockers to get into our body areas.  That is not an issue with the good doctor here.  Most human beings are limited to one pair of hands.  But Doc Ock has three pair.  Three.  That means that pair number one engages the oncoming blocker, pair number two coils around the ball carriers legs to prevent further yardage from being gained, and pair number three is free to readjust the pesky athletic supporter, which always seems to bunch up at the most inconvenient tim..YEOUCH!!!!

Outside linebacker- Thor
6'6", 640 lbs

Like the Florida State defensive ends of the late '90's, Thor has only one role- to run as fast as he can to try and tackle the quarterback.  No way I want any part of him trying to have to make thoughtful decisions on the fly.  No dropping back into coverage.  No trying to read the play.  Just use that Asgardian speed-burst to plant Mjolnir into the passers' chest.

Cornerback- Spider-man
5'10", 167 lbs

With a normal cornerback, you're worried about two things:

1. Their ability to match up with the opposing wide receiver and play lock-down man-to-man defense.
2. Their hands of stone.

With Spidey, you don't worry about either of those things.  He's got the speed, strength, and agility of a spider so I'm not worried about him going one-on-one with anyone.  And he has special pads on his fingers that help him scale walls, for crying out loud, so I don't think holding onto the football is going to be a big deal.  Besides, even if he does get burned, he can shoot sticky webs out of his wrists.  Now that's what I call 'recovery speed'.

Cornerback- Namor
6'2", 278 lbs

Apart from having all the super-human attributes, Namor has the supreme arrogance that any good cornerback needs.  No need to worry about giving up that 50 yard touchdown pass to put DC up by two scores- Namor doesn't give up 50 yard touchdown passes.  The only concern is that he starts to lose power the longer he's out of water.  So keep those fluids coming, guys! 

Strong safety- Wolverine
5'3", 300 lbs

Wolverine might be a step slow at safety, but he's a perfect fit for this defense.  He's tough as nails.  A superb natural athlete..  He has a nose for the ball.  And with a skeleton laced with adamantium, you best believe any receiver that crosses over the middle is going to get nailed like he's never been nailed before.  And with twelve inch adamantium claws, it will literally be like getting nailed.  Ouch.  Hope someone here knows meta-human First Aid!

Free safety- Beast
5'11", 402 lbs

If you combined Einstein's mental capacities with LeBron James' freakish athletic gifts, you would probably end up with someone like the Beast.  Although looking at this picture, I'm assuming that you dropped a Smurf in there too, and maybe Hello Kitty.  But anyways Beast is an amazingly gifted athlete who is also one of the smartest minds in the Marvel U.  I see your play-action, DC, and raise you some enzyme catalyzed reductions and an interception.  Boo-yah.

Defensive coordinator- Nick Fury

Nick Fury has an eye-patch and is played on the silver screen by Samuel L.  That's all you need to know.  And because Nick is such a secretive guy, that's pretty much all you get to know.  Oh dear, I've said too much.
Come back on Wednesday to check out the DC Stars roster- starting with their high-octane offense led by....STAY TUNED!

PICS- Iron Man- http://heightslibrary.org/wordpress/undeadrat/wp-content/uploads/2008/12/ironmanondvdfull1.jpg
Iron Man 2- http://fcdn.filmonic.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/07/iron-man-2-dvd.jpg
Iron Giant- http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51R222WH7SL._SL500_AA300_.jpg