Wits end

I am literally at my wits end with this potty training business.  My son will not/can not take a dump on the toilet.  He knows when he has to go.  He reaches down and puts his hand by his bottom when he has to- so I know he knows when there is an urge.  I tell him if he feels that urge, he needs to do it on the potty.  And yet somehow, for some reason, he does not go on the potty.  

At this point, I am pissed off beyond measure.  That probably makes me a horrible parent, and I realize that- but I don't know what to do.  A flood of anger and frustration just bubbles up inside of me every time this happens.  It isn't conducive to the process- but I can't change it.  I can't change it.  I know it creates a cyclical traumatic experience with the whole idea of potty training.  I'm not being a monster on purpose.

And it's not like having Sara around more would help- if anything, he does worse with her.

I get so pissed because I literally see no end to this.  I feel like we have just reached the pinnacle and my son is unable to understand that he needs to do this.  This makes me feel very unfatherly things about my son.  It makes me angry with my son.  I don't want to- but at this point, I don't know how to make the separation.  I don't know how to get back to a place where I have compassion and understanding for his accidents.  If they're even accidents.

So there it is.  I'm a horrible parent.  Now if you excuse me, I'm off to bang my head against the wall because my blood is still boiling.