We, ourselves, and us

Have you seen the trailer for that new Mel Gibson movie? He's like this B.A. cop or something, and he goes around kicking ass and taking names. Personally, I'm not sure how I feel about him, at this stage in the game, playing that role. Just like the new John Travolta movie. I'm sorry, the sight of John Travolta does not inspire fear. Not even the shaved head and goatee is going to make me believe that Travolta is a super powered agent in the same league as Jason Bourne. He's definitely not in the same league as Smith.

Has John Travolta ever fired a gun using a carrot? Can Scientologists even eat carrots?

Anyways, that's not really the point. In fact, that has nothing to do with the point. I merely took advantage of your captive audienceship to post a little rant about John Travolta. What I really wanted to mention was from that Mel Gibson trailer. There's this scene where Gibson has a flashback with his daughter, and he's shaving, and his daughter has shaving cream on her face. As a father, that scene just gets me every time. I wish that there was some way where we could go back and really re-live these awesome special moments that we have with our kids. I mean, we have our memories, and we have technology where we can record them on video and watch them- but we can never really have them again.

But that also isn't really the point of this blog either, although I'm getting closer to being on point. What I really wanted to focus in on the current "shaving cream" moment that I am sharing with Delaney. It involves copyright infringement and muliple personality disorder. It's awesome.

Disclaimer: I'm not a Robin Williams or Phil Vischer by any stretch- that is, I don't have insanely good talents of voice manipulation. That is, I don't do great impersonations. I dabble in messing with different accents and the like, and I am very interested in the qualities of verbal components like pitch, tone, cadence- basically, it's not what you say but how you say it. So while I might not be "good", I am qualified. Sort of.

Let me just get to the point- Currently I am responsible for, at any given time, 16 different personalities/voices. 16. Why do I do this? Because my daughter asks me to. Well, maybe asks isn't the right word. Expects is probably closer to the truth. Demands probably is the truth.

It started with this finger puppet Christmas book that we have. It's probably been a couple years or whatever, but anyways, there are five characters on this book- an elf, a Christmas tree, Santa Claus, a snowman, and a reindeer. So I would sing the song "We wish you a merry Christmas" to her using 5 different voices for each of the puppets. Elf is my impression of Bobby from Bobby's World, the Christmas tree is just a flat, monotone voice (I mean, if a tree could talk, how much inflection would it really have?), Santa Claus has the obligatory 'Ho ho ho', Snowman has a deep bass voice (not sure why), and for the reindeer I always put my hand over my mouth. Probably because I don't know how to speak deer.

It really started to pick up with Map. From Dora. You know..."I'm the map I'm the map I'm the map I'm the map I'M THE MAP". I do a pretty good map. It's this sort of whiney, high pitched whine. And so Delaney wanted to be able to interact with Map. Obviously there is no Map. So it fell to me to "be" the Map.

Then...and I really am not sure how this happened, other than perhaps the fact that we got a Mario game for the Wii and my Mario pajama pants...but she wanted to be able to talk to Mario. And so, I had to delve into my pseudo-Italian accent. It's not very good, but since Mario only really says like 3 or 4 phrases in his games, there is a little wiggle room for artistic liberty.

But those two weren't enough. Soon she wanted to add Dora and Boots to the mix. Dora- well, I could probably do a much better Dora if I really really tried, but I pretty much just gave up right away and it's definitely my worst voice- just a lame kind of fake girl voice. Boots- well, if Dora is the worst, then Boots is like second worst, because I don't really do anything special for him. Probably why Boots and Dora don't get called on any more (that and we don't really watch Nickelodeon anymore- Disney rocks, but that's a blog for another time).

Then there was this mass infusion of new "talent". I'll try to remember this in order, but I think it was Manny and Mr. Lopart (from the show Handy Manny), Zabruder (who I made up as the brother of Zooter from Jungle Junction), zeFronk (a between-show character on Disney), Eeyore, Luigi, and Buck (from the latest Ice Age movie).

This whole thing has been one big exercise in both joy and frustration. I love the fact that she has this crazy active imagination. She always (and trust me when I say always) is wanting at least one or two of them to be actively involved in whatever we are doing. Often it's Mario or Elf, although she went through a Manny spell, and last night she was really digging on Buck. They've become a part of our daily lives. Here is a picture of everybody on the couch:


Plus, it's my shaving cream thing. I just know that this is something I'm going to look back on years down the road and it will bring tears to my eyes. This is our thing- sure, Sara has had a couple voices (Zooter and an obviously fake Mario), but this is what Delaney and I do. We connect through all of these really poorly done vocal caricatures.

However, if you've ever had a young child, you know how they are with things they enjoy- they literally cannot get enough. Which is why sometimes I get frustrated- and then I get frustrated at myself for being frustrated. Because she's always asking for "Mario to talk to Manny" or "Elf to sing this" or what have you...and I have to be honest that I get worn out from it sometimes. Often, actually. So I'll make something up- they're washing their hair, or they're out of the country, or sleeping.

Of course, Delaney is not stupid, and she has me call them on the phone.

But I hate that I get frustrated, because I know that she's not going to be this age forever. This is what really sucks as far as being a parent- you have to have this balance between getting through each day, surviving, and at the same time taking in as much of each day as you can. I can't believe that Delaney is going to be 4 already in May. 4!!!! I take some solace in the fact that Shane is not yet 3- but that's happening in October.

The moral of the story? Take interest in your kids, and what their interests are. You want to connect with them? Then get involved in their lives. I'm not perfect by any stretch, and I spend way more time than I should on the computer (obviously only to labor endlessly to keep supplying you with your daily dose of sweet blog posts!)...but I have this niche that I've found where Delaney and I can come together and interact and bond- and I tell you that it is the most beautiful thing in the world. Even when I want to rip out my vocal chords.

Pics from:
Shoot 'em up- http://www.filmjackets.com/FEATURES/IMAGES/Feature_ShootEmUp-med.jpg
Travolta- http://blog.taragana.com/e/wp-content/uploads/2009/07/john-travolta.jpg

Ode to Snow Day

If you've ever played Super Mario Galaxy on the Wii, you know about the Comet levels. Aside from being a necessary evil, they are notable because when you go to visit the galaxy, this sort of faux siren starts going, and the screen flashes a little bit, and it says "Comet in orbit". It lets you know that something serious is about to go down.

Well this blog post is not about that.


Basically I wanted to let you know that a rant was coming, and since I don't have any access to sirens or flashing lights (except the ones that I use when I play Dance Dance Revolution), that was the only way I could have done it. Or, I guess I could have done this:

Sirens. Flashing lights.

But really, all that brouhaha was just to let you know that A RANT IS COMING!! It's a tragic tale of a young Snow Day- a Snow Day that DIDN'T COME.

So this rant has been brewing a little bit. You might not have noticed this, but I'm not often up to speed on current events. It's one of the reasons why I don't always blog about the new hotness (other reasons being that I'm lazy and that I don't want to be white noise). It's the reason the Playstation 2 caught me off guard. It's why I'm pissed off that there's never any payphones around when you need them. It's why I'm still living in the stone age of having a slippy slidey blankey.


So Monday, in class, our teacher mentions that there is a "big snow storm" coming "Tuesday night into Wednesday morning". She says this right before she hands out our exam. She might as well have just said "sex", because my focus was no longer on that exam. It violently shifted to the weather phenomenon I reverently refer to as: Snow Day.

So I get just a little bit excited, because a) we haven't had a snow day in a long time b) Spring break is next week and c) I only have classes on Mondays and Wednesdays! This is (pardon the pun) the perfect storm! A long awaited snow day, which would give me (in effect) a 2 week Spring break! How awesome is that?

So naturally I begin to (periodically) fervently pray for the snow to fall like rain. Hmmmm...actually, you know now that I think about it, if the snow actually would have fallen like rain, I'd be sitting at home right now CELEBRATING A SNOW DAY!!!

The snow has fallen like dandruff. And we've never ever had a dandruff day.

So now I'm sitting here, watching this weak "snow" continue to fall, knowing that in a few hours, I'll have to go to school. It's sort of a cruel teaser, a reminder of what might have been. It's like having Brett Favre take you to the championship game. You're one step away from the Super Bowl- but you're not really one step away from the Super Bowl- you're actually one step away from having your heart ripped out of your chest.


Of course, if I was thinking rationally and logically (which I'm not), I could look at the fact that, other than a 1:40 class, I effectively do have a two week spring br...wait, snap out of it!!! What am I saying??? THIS IS A FREAKING RANT!!! THIS IS NO TIME TO MAKE SENSE!!!

Now I only have a one and a half week Spring break. You know who I blame? I don't blame God. I don't blame Mother Nature. I don't even blame Karl Bohnak.

No, I blame my wife. My beautiful, amazing, JINX LADEN, DOUBTING, DESTROYER OF DREAMS, DEVOURER OF HOPE, wife.

See, Matt and I were sitting around last night, singing the praises of Snow Day, and telling stories about the glory of Snow Day, and making sacrificial offerings at the altar of Snow Day...and Sara has to come along and be like "blah blah blah I've lived in the U.P. my whole blah blah blah and it's not snowing hard enough/blah blah/not windy enough"...and we were like, no one likes a buzz kill, and resumed our Snow Day fantasy dream world. Like what does she know, right?

And now, here I lie with my body broken on the tattered remains of my hopes and dreams. There will be no Snow Day. Only School Day. All I can hope for now is that the dandru...er, snow, will continue to fall and maybe (just maybe) my teacher will get stuck in her driveway and we'll end up not having class afterall. Maybe the Abominable Snow Monster from the North will invade NMU's campus, and his dandruff will fall all over us and we'll think it's snow and....well, there is still hope, my friends!

And that's the whole point to this seemingly meaningless tirade-there is always hope. That is, unless your wife is a a) realist b) yooper c) big meany-head.

Pic: Mario- http://www.videogamesblogger.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/super-mario-galaxy-wii-screenshot.jpg
Snuggie- http://cdn3.ioffer.com/img/item/135/657/165/qB9E7mFgyci4GWn.jpg
Brett Favre- http://www.babble.com/CS/blogs/famecrawler/2008/08/01-07/brett.favre.jpg

'A' is for Apple, 'B' is for Banana, 'C' is for the flaw in the system.

I am a product of a flawed system. If you are American, chances are, you are too.

That system? The public-education system.

I just took a mid-term exam today. And I think I did well.

But what does that mean? Mathematically, I probably scored enough points in relation to the 100 points the exam was worth to receive a "passing" grade.That grade will be translated into a letter, and then subsequently translated further into another point system, and all of the grades I receive in my classes will be averaged out to compute my G.P.A.- Grade Point Average for those who truly do not know.

What did I learn though? And who decides pass/fail? Will I really be able to remember these things that I have received credit for from a post-secondary educational institution- that I will be expected to have learned because of the standards of the Council of Social Work Education?

I've received all A's at Northern- except I got an A- last semester. And I learned the most in that class out of all of them.

And that's not to say I haven't learned anything in my other classes- far from it! I've learned hundreds of new ideas. I've learned how to think about things in a different way, and how to see the workings of our society through different lenses. But if you ask me to pull out specific theories, or dates, or which specific policy was responsible for permanency planning becoming a part of our child welfare system...I am not so good at that.

The thing is, though, that the American education system- at least where I was, and when I was growing up- is at least partly to blame.

All along, I've been told to memorize specific things, places, parts, cities, all so that I could take tests and get enough questions right so that I could get enough points to get good grades. I was rewarded for the ability to put a bunch of information in my short term memory, regurgitate it, and move on. There was no real accountability to actually remember things. At least most of the time, that is.

That doesn't mean that I never 'learned' anything. Obviously there are things that I learned- I have basic math and English skills, I know 'Kingdom Phylum Class Order Family Genus Species'. There are various other things floating around in there.

And to be fair, I bought in hook, line, and sinker. I never really applied myself above and beyond what was expected of me. I got the good grades required, and not much more. I was more interested in sports than I was in education- so I did what I had to do. I knew more about pro football in high school than I did about Deductive Geometry (which was where math really began to fall apart for me).

Society rewarded me too- I had so much praise from family for "doing good in school". There were other accolades as well. I didn't get in trouble. I was a 'good kid'. It all worked together to create a perfect storm for my educational mediocrity.

Since going back to school a couple years ago, I've been more focused and trying harder to actually "learn" things. And like I said, it's worked. But there is still residue of the old system. There is still a propensity for 'data in/data out'. When I read, I find myself looking for catch phrases- "_____ identifies four basic...., _____ exists on three levels, the table identifies four major dimensions...."- you get the idea. See! Even our textbooks feed into this system. We don't have to critically look for what's important- they feed it to us. If there's a number, make sure you highlight it, because it's going to be a question on the test.

Like I said before, my experience is my experience. It's from my personal schooling, during the years I was in school. I know things have changed, and will continue to change.

But as a parent, I have a responsibility to make sure that my children get the best education that they can. And honestly? We're seriously looking at home schooling our children. Is it a religious thing? I think that's part of it- but really, for me, it's a small part. See I want my kids to learn, at their own pace. I want them to learn about things that interest them, in a way that they can really learn. I want them to have social outlets, but with less drama than is afforded by most public schools.

I know that home schooled kids are still responsible to meet certain standards, but at the same time, I feel like the public school system is bound by the need to process children from a certain age to a certain age, and make sure that they score high enough on standardized tests and have attendance on the right days so that they can have funding...basically, there are too many kids and too many other responsibilities to really make sure that kids are 'getting it'.

In the end? All I want my kids to be able to think, critically, for themselves, and to make informed decisions for themselves, and to be able to know who they are as people- to have some power in deciding who they are, to not have it dictated to them by where they stand in some imaginary social hierarchy. And right now, I have no faith in the public education system to get them to that place.

And so I tucked my tail between my legs and ran away

Why is it that we (or maybe more accurately, "I") have such a difficult time with confrontation?

I can't begin to tell you sometimes how much internal struggle and angst I go through when trying to write things sometimes. It's not happening right this second....because that would imply that I was working on two blog posts while I was supposed to be studying/watching the kids. And I just don't do that.

But it was just a thought that popped into my head, and so here we are- me writing, you reading, me trying to figure out what to say, you trying to figure out what I'm trying to say.

I just...I've always had this blessing/curse of being able to/always trying to get along with people. And so, truth be told, I avoid confrontation at times. Many times. Some might say all the time. For better or for worse, I care about what people think. It's one of my best and worst qualities. I'm starting to feel like Gollum here a little bit.

I'm getting better- but it's still difficult. And I ponder this, thinking of things I want to write about in my blog, things that might make people upset, or angry, or...even change the way they think or feel about me! GASP!

Is it silly? Yes. And no. Because I know how people are. People can be fickle and folly, and allow things that are insignificant in the grand scheme of things to get in the way. I also know how I am. I know that I can be insecure, and I can sometimes view these challenges in the wrong way.

Like so many things in life, there are multiple stakeholders, and many sides, and cause-effect is not always so easy to determine.

What's that old saying? Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater? Unfortunately, I've seen my fair share of babies go down the drain because someone decided to throw their tub away. Also, I've seen myself refuse to take baths for fear of being mistaken for said bathwater. You do know I'm speaking metaphorically, right?

Anyhow, my point is that I'm working towards trying to get to that point where I can say what I really think and feel, regardless of what other people think and feel about it (and about me). It's not always easy to undo 30 years of habit. But I'm working on it.

NOTTA FINGA

There. I said it.

Oh the times, they are a-changing

You know what I've been doing a little bit of the last few days? Writing awesome new blog posts? No. Studying for my impending test? A little. Watching Eric Bana streak across the TV screen? Only just now.

I've been reading some of my old blog posts. It's interesting, to have an extremely handy journal of events, ideas, and thoughts of mine from the past year and a half. I'm enjoying seeing how much I've changed and grown in some ways. I'm really loving some of the funny things I've written...while others make me cringe a little bit.

This isn't an anniversary post, by any stretch of the imagination. Maybe like a '1 year, 4 month, 10 day'iversary. Which is stupid, so I won't say it. But I did say it. Fudge.

I've grown so much these past months. And I hope to reflect that in my writing. Future blog posts might strike you as odd. You might not agree with me. You might think I'm off my rocker. All I ask is that you bear with me. I've changed so much. I see things differently- but I'm still me. I'm Jason Parks. I'm still quirky as all get out. I'm still happy-go-lucky. I still laugh at inappropriate things. I still make mistakes. I'm still human.

I think I have a lot to share. My experiences make me who I am- I'm the only me that you'll ever know. And I have wisdom and insight to share with you. Just like you all do.

I named this blog "You should know Jason Parks". I thought it meant something, but now I know it means something completely different. Because I believe that every person is worth knowing. Every person has their own random, weird quirkiness. Every person has lived a life that no one else has. Similarities? They're on the surface. You are you. And you are worth knowing. No one else sees things quite how you do. And as you find yourself, you realize just how much you need to connect with your fellow man. Because we're all in this together.

The avatar of capitalist conservative heteronormative patriarchal Brito-America...or you probably know him as Superman

I was studying tonight and...well, who am I kidding. I was sort of studying, but also catching up on my HCRealms reading. For those of you who don't know, HCRealms is a forum where people who play Heroclix get together on-line and talk about Heroclix. Is it nerdy? Yes. Do I love it? YES.

There was a thread about Superman, and I came across this quote from one of the members of HCRealms about the Big Blue Boy Scout: he's "the avatar of capitalist conservative heteronormative patriarchal Brito-America".

And of course I'm up at 2:30 in the morning writing about this, because A) the kids have been trying to shake off this dang cold, and so obviously they were up coughing and woke me up, and B) I love the idea behind this quote.

I guess what I love is these terms- Capitalist. Conservative. Heteronormative. Patriarchal. They get my mind racing. When I went back to school, the very first class I took at Northern was a sociology class, and I haven't looked at things the same way since.

In social work, we talk about systems theory, and how everyone is immersed in multiple systems at multiple (macro/mezzo/micro) levels, and how these systems interact together to make us into the people that we are.

It got me thinking about something that I frequently chew on, and that is the idea of human beings as social beings...some say social animals. Whatever the case, we were born to be social.

And that means that there has to be a social order. Think of a wolf pack- from the Alpha to the Omega, there are norms that they follow in order to keep things humming along, like a fine tuned machine. Without order, it's just a bunch of dogs, running around, hoping to stumble on some scraps or a sick animal. Together, they can take down a moose.



Do some live as "lone wolves"? Yes. But their existence is not nearly what it could be. They might be stronger and more dangerous- but they'll never really be all that they could be.

Every society, every culture on our planet has some sort of "system" in place. Obviously the USA looks much much much different than say, a tribe of Amazons. But in many ways, they are not so different- there is hierarchy, there is some division of labor, there are rules, there are customs, there are ceremonies- and without these things, I'm honestly not sure how we as people would function in society.

I'm sure we all get mad at the system every once in a while, and we want to fight the system, to overthrow the system...but what is going to happen is that another system is just going to be put into place. It might not be called a "system"...and it might not even conventionally (or explicitly) look like a system. But trust me- it will be a system.

You know, several years ago, the idea of relativism was brought into my head, and rejected out of hand. Years later, while I still reject the idea in it's purest form, it has helped me to reframe the human experience. See, it's so easy to think that the way we do things is the right way, and to instantly look at the way another society runs and to judge it as "wrong".

But what is right? What is wrong? Can these concepts really, legitimately be made across cultural contexts? Look at Native Americans. European settlers and missionaries came over to this country so eager to quash a way of life and replace it with a "superior" one. How has that turned out? From your point of view, it's "savage". It's "barbaric". For them, it's "life". It's "survival". Who are we to be the judge of mankind?

So what can we deduce from all this? Hopefully something. Honestly, at this hour, I'm not sure I'm doing much more than emptying my brain so that (hopefully) I can get some sleep. I know that there is much more about these ideas that could be said. I hope that there is some interesting food for thought. At the very least, I'm tired enough to go to bed. If that's all this article has accomplished, then it is worth it.

In completely unrelated news, just a week and a half before my last undergrad Spring Break ever! I have several blog ideas on the burner...I know I say that all the time and then never come through. But I'm motivated and inspired and by the time the ides of March have come, you'll have no idea what hit you! Until next time, God bless!

PIC: http://www.worldofwallpapers.nuche.org/content/animal/canines/1024/pack-of-wolves-wolf-pack-wild-dogs-wallpaper.jpg
QUOTE: http://www.hcrealms.com/forum/showthread.php?p=4554348#post4554348

Where do I stand? Easy- Pro-Tebow.

Well, just a little over a week until the Super Bowl- and you know what that means- cool commercials! Seriously, that's like the best part of the game...seeing what the creative genius at all these big companies shelled out millions of dollars for. 30 seconds of air time....over two million dollars. No wonder our economic structure is all out of wack.

If you haven't heard, Focus on the Family ponied up the dough and is running an ad on abortion featuring Tim Tebow and his mother, talking about how her doctors told her to get an abortion. Obviously she didn't, and that has worked out well.

This is, needless to say (but I'm going to say it anyways, because it's a blog, and because it's 11 at night), slightly controversial. Here's my take on it.

In some ways, I don't mind it. I think it's great. Focus on the Family had the extra 2 mil, CBS needs money, voila. Commercial, capitalism, democracy- it's all great. Good message, good story. Bada bam.

Why I'm thinking that this is a bad thing...I see precedent being set here. This is going to get ugly. I feel like the wrong battlefield is being chosen for this. Because if you open this up to pro-life ads, then you are now opening the floodgates for any and every advocacy group that has some passion and a message. This isn't your grandpa's world, and the fact is that we the viewer, in the future, are going to be subjected to ads that poke and prod at issues that get us really fired up.

Now maybe not en masse, like the Bud Bowl ( I do miss Bud Bowl spots, by the way...it was like watching a football game within a football game)...but think about it. That means that you are going to be watching an ad for something that you are completely against. Maybe you're against homosexuality. Maybe you don't think that marijuana should ever be legal. Maybe you want the government to send the Mexicans back across the border. Maybe you are zealously a creationist. Whatever the case may be, you aren't going to be able to pick and choose. You can't say "well, I'm okay with CBS running the Tebow ad, but dammit they better not show the Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf one where he talks about his conversion to Islam".

And that's the problem I see with this. Hate is already festering deep within this country. Sports, the Super Bowl in particular, are a great chance for us to escape whatever it is that is going on in our lives. That's why so many Americans who are ambivalent about the Saints or the Colts are probably going to find themselves pulling for the Saints. It's amazing what that football team has meant to that community, to that city, and it's just a really great story. The Super Bowl is a chance for us to put aside our hate and anger. We don't need some 30 second commercial reminding us of the things that divide us. Do we?

Some people think this is a perfect opportunity to spread a message. I disagree. I'm tuning in to watch football...and the halftime show on the off chance that they are able to raise the dead again. Or are you trying to tell me that the Rolling Stones are still alive? I'm watching because I want to get away from this kind of stuff. We'll have all year to argue pro-this vs. pro-that.

You know what I see, in my head? I see a bunch of people watching the game at the sports bar. Some of them might be gay. One or two could be Christian...maybe there's a group of atheists. Probably someone who was (or maybe even is) a drug addict. A dead-beat dad, over there at the sports bar. The waitress has a second part time job so that she can afford to put food on the table for her toddler. That guy in the back beats his girlfriend. Up in the front is the head of the United Way. I think we all have some people on this list that we know and love- and maybe some that we just wish could be dragged out back and shot. But we're not so different, all of us.

HUMANITY. We all have our problems, our issues, our faults and flaws. We all have our beliefs. We all go here, or there, our lives forever flying in different directions, always held together by this one thread- our humanity. That doesn't mean that there aren't differences, or even that there shouldn't be. Right and wrong? They're there. But why do we focus on how different we are, instead of building on how similar we all are?

So is there a problem with the Tebow ad? That's really not what you need to ask yourself. You should be asking yourself if you have a problem with the ads that are sure to come later, the ones that deal with the issues that you don't want them to deal with. Because that's the only way that you can really answer the question.

The hardest thing I'll ever do

You know what I think? I think the toughest part of parenting isn't the late nights in early infancy, it's not the constant responsibility, it isn't even all the extra crap that you only need to buy because you have a child.

It's the knowledge that eventually, you are going to have to let go, and allow them to brave the shark infested waters of society- and knowing that you won't be able to hold their hand through it all. It's knowing that people are some of the most evil, wicked creatures on our planet, and that they will do and say things that are hurtful for no other reason than to be hurtful- and all we can do is shake our heads, shrug our shoulders, and reiterate how much we love our children.

I had a moment today where I had this epiphany, and it broke my heart. I cried. Literally. I'm not Stonehenge, but I don't cry often. When you catch a glimpse of your child, who is pure and innocent and thinks that the world is the same way....it hurts when you see that it is going to close in on them, and that they will never again see it in the same way.

I just want my kids to know that I love them. I love them with my whole heart, and I will always be there for them. I want them to know that things will not always be perfect, but they will not always be bad. And I want them to always treat other people (especially those younger, weaker, and "less cool" than they are) they way that they should be treated- like human beings.

Fantasy Frustration part 3

Everything that went right in the first half of the season (no injuries, good plays, opponents bad games) came crashing to a halt in the second half, almost costing me a playoff spot. I said almost.

Week 8- I took on the Bully on the Block- Team Bullies, tied with me for the best record in the league at the time with a 5-2 record. The owner of this team is also the owner of the league, and unfortunately I allowed myself to dream about rocking the boat. Alas, it was not meant to be- and I mean really not meant to be. I got walloped 158-90.
What went right- McNabb (26), Turner (22), and the Colts D (20) had decent weeks for me. Oh, and 2 of his players didn't score in double figures.
What went wrong- Where to start? Well, this was a bad time for me to have bye weeks- 3 starters (Big Ben, Randy Moss, and Ochocinco) had them, meaning that I got to start Ryan Fitzpatrick at QB (0 points), and Torry Holt (1 point) and Mark Clayton (3 points) at WR. I did have 38 bench points- all of which came from my reserve defenses, and neither of which would have made the beating any less of a beating. The Bullies had 8 players in double digits (4 with 20+, 2 more with 19).
Bonehead move- Having a crappy bench, and not realizing that 30% of my best players were all chilling on the same week.

Week 9- Well, after I put some salve on the wounds of my ginormous beating, I was able to pick up the pieces of my shattered ego and get things back on track with a 134-133 win over Team Josh for Now (a controversial event in our league that led to some bad blood- not my win, the fact that there even was a Team Josh for Now).
What went right- Some divine intervention to start with- Big Ben threw 2 real TD passes in the 4th quarter (after I had went to bed), including one with under 2 minutes to go and the Steelers holding an 11 point lead, to give my my second Monday Night victory of the season. Of course, I also needed Turner's 30 and Randy Moss' 23, as well as a stinker from Joe Flacco of my opposition.
What went wrong- I lose the defensive position battle by 19, as my Colts D scores all of 9 points. I don't know how to explain it, other than that is a terrible performance in our league for a defense.
Bonehead move- For most of the season, the performances of my defenses have either been close enough to negate the idea of a wrong play, or else good enough to justify my play. For arguably the first time this season, I made a poor play (although it didn't seem to be so at the time) as I left 21 point scoring Denver's defense on the bench. I just didn't want to play a defense that was also playing against one of my starting QB's- it just didn't feel right. And as a result, I had to go to bed that Monday night feeling like I was going to lose my matchup.

Week 10- The week my Fantasy season stood still. I lost a heartbreaker to Fergy, 121-119. But that isn't why it shook me to the core.
What went right-McNabb and Moss were totally rufus for me- each racked up 30 points. Michael Turner had 12 points before halftime of his game! And none of my opponents players went over 20 points.
What went wrong- Ugh. Where to start. Oh, how about Mr. Turner? He had 12 points before halftime- and finished with 12. Because he got hurt in the first half, a high ankle sprain that, for all intents and purposes, ended his season. Oh, Ronnie Brown got hurt too. Another season-ending ankle injury. My opponent had 7 guys in double figures, and while McNabb had 30 big ones, Big Ben had 5 very little ones. Real-life turnovers killed my team as well (4 of them- that's 8 fantasy points). Folk, my kicker, had 0 points. My defense, the Denver Broncos, couldn't shut down one of the worst offenses in football (Redskins). And I left points on the bench.
Bonehead move- Keeping Betts on the bench and starting Maroney in the swing position. Betts had 18, and Maroney had 8. I'm not a math major, or even very good at post-middle school math, but 18 beats 8. And 10 beats 2.

Week 11- The much hyped (in my head) rematch with my dad ended up a stinker, with the Snow Flurries falling 128-108.
What went right- My QBs played out of their freaking minds. Big Ben and McNabb combined for 49 points (led by Big Ben's 30), and Maroney was able to step into the feature back role and pick up 17 points. I was also able to hold Adrian Peterson to 9 points. Well, not me per se. And really, not even my team. That's one of the great things about Fantasy Football- 0% defensive accountability!
What went wrong- I feel like a broken record. Betts gets hurt in the first quarter of his game and is lost for the season. It's probably going to be somewhat funny when I look back on this season with my therapist...the guy that I put in to replace my running back with a season ending injury gets hit with a season-ending injury. I left Pettigrew's 13 points on the bench, but it wouldn't have mattered. My dad left a crapton of points on his bench too, led by Terrell Owens 26. After the game, Terrell was insistent that it wasn't personal, that it was purely coincidence that his biggest game of the season came against the team that gave up on him. Okay, he didn't really say that. But this is fantasy football, right? One part football, one part fantasy.
Bonehead move- Not accepting a trade offer from team Bullies. Randy Moss for Calvin Johnson, Jamaal Charles, and Miles Austin. My pride really got in the way here, and as a result I missed being able to pick up a pretty good RB (at a time in my season when good RBs were dropping like flies). The sucky thing is that I ended up taking this basically same trade later on, except instead of Jamaal Charles, I got stuck with Greg Olsen. Thanks a lot, pride.

Week 12- My very dispirited team, once a front-runner for a first-round bye, is crushed by Team Josh for Now, 116-79. The playoffs, once a certainty, are starting to fade away from reality.
What went right- While Maroney still isn't considered the lead dog for his actual team, he shows enough on game days to make himself a certified #1 fill-in RB for my team and has his 2nd straight strong game. And that's pretty much it.
What went wrong- I left the Jet's defense on the bench- during a week when they racked up 41 fantasy points. And they were playing the Panthers, so it's not like I was thinking 'Crap, the Jets are playing an unstoppable juggernaut- I better bench them lest they hurt my chances of winning'. The real kicker about all of this is that my opponent got 4 whole points out of his starting WRs. You might have heard of them- Larry Fitzgerald and T.J. Houshmandzadeh. And I wasn't able to take advantage. Partly because of the aforementioned Jets D fiasco, but also because...
Bonehead move- I wasn't on top of the whole Big Ben concussion thing, and as a result, I messed with my roster much too late to sign his backup, Dennis Dixon. While Dixon's 17 points wouldn't have made a significant difference, it would have made the final score a little more respectable.

Week 13- While I wasn't able to stop the bleeding- or even slow it down a little (I lost to 151-142), I did back into the playoffs because my dad lost his game. I guess.
What went right- One of those frustrating weeks in fantasy sports. You know what I'm talking about- where you compare your score to every single other team in the league, and you realize that if you would have played anybody else but the person you did that you would have won. That was me this week. My QBs are solid, again. Newly-minted Miles Austin racks up 17 points. The Broncos D is almost the first Snow Flurry unit of the season to cross the 40 point mark in a single game (39).
What went wrong- Part of the reason Austin has 17 points is because his real-time QB (Romo) is scoring 34 for the War Machine. Aaron Rodgers had 27 points- 19 points-worth to Jermichael Finley...more on that in a minute.
Bonehead move- Starting Olsen at TE (0 points) and leaving Finley (19 points) on the bench. Game-changing decision.

Well, I ended up at 6-7 for the regular season. A streaky season, full of highs and lows. Injuries really killed me- I know it's kind of the same boat everyone is in, but I really feel like I got the short end of the stick as far as the injury department goes. But I'm proud of my guys. They competed, week in and week out (except that one game against team Josh for Now). Next time, I'll be detailing my scintillating playoff run- or is it? Only one way to find out...if you're not in my Fantasy league. Or in my immediate family. Or on Facebook.

Fantasy Frustration part 2

Thanks for reading part 1. You did read part 1, right? Anyways, this is weeks 1-7 of my fantasy football season.

Week 1- Lost to El Diablo 138-99
What went right- McNabb and Big Ben outscored my opponents QB's- by 4
What went wrong- His D (Steelers) put up 31 points, my RB's (Brown and Turner) combined for 11 points. McNabb got hurt in the 3rd quarter.Chris Cooley had 12 points on my bench, while Owen Daniels had 4 as a starter. Titans D outscored my starting Colts D by 10. Wouldn't have mattered though
Bonehead move- None- I played my roster pretty solidly.

Week 2- Much more competitive, but lost to Disco 142-131
What went right- I made almost no wrong moves, as 7 of my players put up double digits, led by Ronnie Browns 26.
What went wrong- I said almost. Moss (2), Folk (8), and Cooley (8) would have looked much better as Ochocinco (15), Vinateri (11), and Daniels (13). It also didn't help that Disco's Chris Johnson racked up 46 points.
Bonehead move- None, really. True, hindsight could have scored me some more points, but no reason to bench Moss. EVER. Daniels put up his 13 points against the Titans defense, which at the time was considered a great defense.

First win in Week 3, 104-94 over Dennis.
What went right- In a pretty low scoring affair (in our league), it was more about who I left out than who I put in. My decision to not start Owens or Ginn paid dividends as each WR had 0 points. Collins only had 8 points at QB, but it was enough. Just what you'd expect from vet backup QB's in real life- just don't lost games. My opponent left Willie Parker (18 points) on the bench- outscoring his starting backs by 7.
What went wrong- Not much, although Steve Smith, in his first game as a Snow Flurry, had 12 on my bench, while Ochocinco had 3 in the starting lineup.
Bonehead move- Note really any- mostly because at this point, my bench really isn't offering much to make me regret much.

Week 4-My team flexes it's muscles with a 161-128 win over Jenn
What went right- Everything. 9 of my 10 players scored double digits, 4 had 20+ points (led by Steve Smith and Big Ben with 26 each). Jenn could have played her highest point totals for the week at every position and I still would have won by 6 (yes, I took the time to figure that out).
What went wrong- Nothing...well...I could have had 8 more points if I would have played Cooley instead of Daniels. You know, looking back over these game summaries, I am surprised that Daniels was the #1 tight end when he got hurt. I know he had some big games though.
Bonehead move- Nothing. When you're hot, you're hot!

Week 5- This is definitely the most intense game of the season. It's against dad, with first place in the division on the line...goes down to the last play of the Monday night game, and I win! A squeaker, 154-152. The Snow Flurries are starting to assert themselves as a legitimate force in the Center league.
What went right- My backfield kicks ass and takes names. McNabb (31), Big Ben (27), Turner (27), and Ronnie Brown (20) carry my team. Brown cements himself in my personal FFHOF by scoring 2 game winning touchdowns against the Jets- one for his actual team, and one for my actual team. Also, he doesn't score too many points, enabling my buddy Marty to win his fantasy matchup. Also, my dad played Mewelde Moore (2 points) instead of Tim Hightower (10 points) and Marshawn Lynch (11 points).
What went wrong- It's a good thing my backfield put up some heavy numbers- because my receivers did jack squat! Daniels had a decent game (9 points), but Ochocinco, Moss, and Smith combined for 17 points. You know it's bad when you're looking at the boxscore and thinking 'Man, I should have played Ted Ginn Jr.'
Bonehead move- Looking at the boxscore and thinking 'Man, I should have played Ted Ginn Jr.'. 20/20 hindsight and all, but seriously, that type of thinking should never EVER happen.

Week 6- 4 wins in a row as I dispatch Fergy 144-129. I'm starting to take Fantasy football more seriously at this point...which will come back to bite me right on the bottom.
What went right- Randy Moss makes up for his 3 point Week 5 with a 31 point explosion, and Owen Daniels starts to look like a #1 TE with a 19 point outing. But really, what went right for me was what went wrong for my opponent- Jason Campbell (QB), Braylon Edwards (WR) and Steve Smith (RB/WR) combine for 5 points- and Fergy leaves 24 points on the bench from Donald Driver and Cadillac Williams.
What went wrong- Again with the hindsight, but I left Maroney (20 points) on the bench, and due to the Colts bye week, I had to start the Titans defense- on the week when they gave up 59 real points to the Patriots.
Bonehead move- Allowing 2nd guessing to start to creep it's way into my psyche.

Week 7- My first rematch, and my team is on fire as I beat down El Diablo 146-112.
What went right- The Colts play the Rams, so my defense racks up 31 points. Daniels has his 2nd consecutive 19 point outing, and I now remember why I was so devastated when he went out with an injury. Tight End is one of those positions that can elevate good teams to greatness. When Daniels and Cooley went down, it left a gaping hole in my team that I still haven't been able to fill. Also, for the 2nd straight week, my opponent has a QB rack up 1 point.
What went wrong- Nothing- the only significant point getter on my bench was the Jet's defense (25 points)- but they were outscored by my starting defense. So no harm, no foul.
Bonehead move- 5 wins in a row has allowed my excitement in fantasy football to a fever pitch. It's all about to come crashing down.

Well, this is the first half of the season. I'm sitting comfortably at 5-2. I have the #1 TE in the league, 2 very good QB's and 2 very good RB's. My season is about to fall apart. Or is it?  (Note: I have pretty much already told you that it does.  This is a poor use of suspense by me.  If you are, in fact, still in suspense about the fate of my Fantasy Football season, then that's on you bro.  That's on you)