Fantasy Football 11- The massacre (also known as My Draft)

Sometimes I feel bad because I have all these deep, serious, real-life meaningful thoughts about life and about the world, and yet most of my blogs are about things like Fantasy Football and pop-culture stuff. Sometimes I think 'Does anyone even read these?'. Then I think about this blog, and who this blog is for.  This is a blog for the world- but it's really for me.  Because clearly I am the world.  So I'm going to write about Fantasy Football AND YOU'RE GOING TO SIT THERE AND....well, please try to at least appear interested?

Anyways, as I am quickly making into a honest-to-God custom 'round these parts, I am presenting you with a post-draft special.  For those of you who are new to the show, or were using the bathroom, or just weren't paying attention, it goes like this:

First of all, this is a list of the players I drafted last year, and a brief note on why they will/won't be a Snow Flurry in 2011. One thing that really popped out at me is that I'm fiercely loyal. If you succeed for me, I will go to the ends of the Earth (or at least, the later rounds of a fantasy draft) for you. If you let me down- you are dead to me (unless you come at a significant bargain).

All of the above still applies except the loyalty part.

So let's look at that 2010 draft and why I did/didn't pick any of my M.A.S.H. unit from last year.  A couple quick notes- due to the fact that we became a pay-to-play league this year, all keepers were dispersed into the draft.  Additionally, there were 3 extra rounds to the draft this year.  I know what you're thinking- 3 more chances to read my phenomenally insightful and witty verbiage!  WooHoo!!!

2010:
RB Michael Turner (Keeper)- Call it a hunch (and really, with the lack of empirical data, that is really how I decide who to draft/not draft), but I feel like the M-train is going to start slowing down soon.  He'll probably put up some solid numbers- but I think his days of being "The Man" might be behind him.

QB Tony Romo- (Keeper)- Would have definitely taken him again, but I took Tom Brady with my first pick, and I didn't want to spend a highish draft choice on a back-up QB when I had other needs to fill

1- RB Ryan Grant- Despite his efforts to single-handedly sabotage my season last year, I harbor no ill will towards Mr. Wussie Pants.  I would have taken him, were he available (in the 19th round).

2- WR Steve Smith (NYG)- I didn't even come across his name- are we even sure he's playing this year?

3- TE JerMichael Finley- A guy I would have loved to have grabbed- in the right round.  He went a little too early for me.  Once bitten, twice shy.  Twice bitten- probably dead, if you were bitten by a Black Mamba.

4- WR Michael Crabtree- I saw his name on the draft board and did one of those things where you see someone you know and you don't want to talk to, so you pretend you didn't see them and sort of leave quickly.

5- WR Dwayne Bowe- Oh Dwayne- you were like a summer romance to me.  I think you'll be good, maybe even great- but there's no way I was going to pick you high just because we had a few great weeks together.  I'm a family man, man.  I need stability.  Commitment.  And I need you to stop looking at my 2011 draft, where I go against all of those things!

6- RB Ronnie Brown- Oddly enough, I was going to take Brown, even though I swore a blood oath against him.  It was in the late rounds, and the thought of having Ronnie Brown just chilling on my bench made me smile a little bit.  Alas, it wasn't meant to be, as he was literally taken the pick right before I would have grabbed him.  Oh well.  There's always the waiver wire, where I'll probably be able to get him after week 3 when the guy that picked him realizes 'Hey, he can't really play'.

7- Ravens Defense- Drafted 'em.  They still have that Ed Reed guy, right?

8- WR Mohammed Massaquoi- No mo Mo'.

9- QB Chad Henne- Hey Chad...jeez, I feel real bad, I know we went through a lot together when you were at U-M, and last year, and I think you've had a bad rap in the big leagues...I just...well, I...I'll look for you on the waiver wire.  I'm sorry Chad. 

10-RB Darren McFadden- Frick yeah!  I don't even know if he's gonna be good this year, or healthy, but this was my gem of a draft choice from 2010, and like any good sequel, you take the parts of the plot that worked well, and just reuse them.

11-TE Dustin Keller- Dustin- I know people speak highly of your 'abilities' but until those 'abilities' are matched by 'numbers', you're just my pipe dream.

12-Bears Defense- Woulda.  Coulda.  Shoulda.  But I got a couple solid D's, and really that's all you need.

13-WR TJ Houshimanzada- Since I couldn't be bothered to make sure I spelled your name correctly (I even copied and pasted this from another one of my blogs instead of Googling it), that pretty much spelled disaster.

14-K Lawrence Tynes- I'd have been willing to give any kicker (except Nick Folk) a chance.  Instead, I made the pick of the century.  Sorry Larry.

15-WR Donnie Avery- I thought of the pain of drafting year one short year after I drafted you and you didn't even have the courtesy to tell me you had been placed on IR before the draft.  You know, I'm pretty quick to blame Ryan Grant for last years debacle, but maybe it's time you took some responsibility, Donnie.

16-RB Jason Snelling- No Turner, no need for his handcuff.  Or Jason Snelling, for that matter.

Last year, I had a pretty confident feeling about my draft- and promptly bombed, going 4-9.  This year, I don't feel very good about the players I picked.  So I'm probably going to do very well.  So with that spectacular lead-in, I give to you your 2011 NORTH MICHIGAN SNOW FLURRIES (2010 stats in italics)!!!

1 Tom Brady, QB, New England- 3,900 passing yards, 36 TD, 4 INT- I don't expect him to put up the ridiculous numbers that he did last year.  But a couple things about Brady- he doesn't get hurt (and when he does, he does it early enough so that I have enough time to scramble around for a replacement) and he throws TDs.  Lots of TDs.  And he has great hair.  As the face (and hair) of the franchise, it's important to be a good looking dude.  And Brady fits that bill.

2 Darren McFadden, RB, Oakland- 1,664 total yards, 10 total TD- Question- is a no.2 pick (almost a second no.1, since I drafted 9th in a 10 team serpentine draft) a good place to draft a guy who has only had one good season and spent much of his career being hurt?  Answer- I don't know.  But we'll sure find out!

3 Matt Forte, RB, Chicago- 1,616 total yards, 9 total TD- As you can see, I have a huge soft spot for RBs that are versatile.  Like McFadden, Forte barely skimmed the 1,000 yard mark as a rusher- but had over 500 receiving yards and almost double-digit TDs (although to be fair, I really didn't know this about him when I drafted him- it just "felt right".  Nothing like doing homework after the test).

4 Mike Williams, WR, Tampa Bay- 964 receiving yards, 11 TD- Did you know that in the 80+ years the NFL has been in existence, there have only been two players named Mike Williams?  Did you also know that they both play WR, and that they are both on my team this year?  OOPS- Spoiler alert!  Anyways, that's not why I drafted this Mike Williams.  I drafted this one because he scored 11 TDs last year.  TDs are a receivers bread and butter.  But what do they call their actual bread and butter? 

5 Beanie Wells, RB, Arizona- 397 rushing yards, 2 TD- I guess this is my self-destruct button.  That is, if things go south, I need a scapegoat, built in.  What better way to have a scapegoat than to have a bruising RB from Ohio State named Beanie, coming off of a monster sub-400 yard, 2 TD season, be your number 5 pick?  (I do think it could be a solid pick- just because I didn't do any preparations, that doesn't mean I want to intentionally shoot myself in the foot.  Well, except for by, you know, the lack of preparations).

6 Brandon Lloyd, WR, Denver- 1,448 receiving yards, 11 TD- Interesting factoid that I found after doing some post-draft research- Brandon Lloyd was on NFL.com's Top Ten Players Most Likely To Be A Bust list.  Great.  You know, I think it's a little bit shady that NFL.com even has Fantasy Football stuff.  I mean, isn't that like a conflict of interest?  Wouldn't that be like CIA.com having a Top Ten Employees Most Likely To Be Double Agents list?  And there's like snipers poised at all of Brandon's games, so if he starts to do good, they take him out?  Regardless, I'm a sucker for big TD numbers.  It's like the breasts of Fantasy Football.

7 Mario Manningham, WR, New York (Giants)- 944 receiving yards, 9 TD- If Steve Smith did, in fact, vanish into the Bermuda Triangle (as my sources have sort of confirmed but it was probably somebody else), then I expect Manningham to get a lot more touches in the passing game.  Actually, I expect Manningham to get a lot more touches in the passing game regardless.  Because I drafted him.  Are you paying attention, Eli?

8 Sam Bradford, QB, St. Louis- 3,512 passing yards, 18 TD- Remember last year, when I talked about my new drafting philosophy of picking the best players from crappy teams?  Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I present to you exhibit A- Sam Bradford.  Now, the Rams weren't a "crappy" team- they almost made the playoffs.  But Sam is their best player.  And the reason I know this is because he is the only St. Louis Ram that I can name off the top of my head (other than Donnie Avery, but I digress).  I feel like he'll have a phenomenal year, and gives me great insurance against Brady getting hurt- or at least some valuable trade fodder.  The defense rests, your honor.

9 Brandon Jacobs, RB, New York (Giants)- 823 rushing yards, 9 TD- For a guy that seemed to fall off the face of the flat Earth for the first part of last season, he came on much stronger in the second half.  Is he back in Tom Coughlin's good graces?  Is anyone ever really in Tom Coughlin's good graces?  I don't know.  What I do know is that Jacobs is a solid bye week/injury replacement.

10 Jimmy Graham, TE, New Orleans- 356 receiving yards, 5 TD- Everytime I watch the Saints, this guy stands out to me.  Maybe it's the bald head.  Maybe it's how tall he is.  Maybe it's the fact that the announcers always make a big deal about how he's a former hoops player.  Whatever the case, when I saw his name, I pounced on it.  I think this guy could be a potential steal at the TE position.  And if not, well at least he's still bald, tall, and used to play hoops.

11 Ravens Defense- Lots of stats.  I'm not going to look them up- They do still have Ed Reed, right?  No seriously.  I'm asking.  I paid zero attention this offseason.

12 Jordy Nelson, WR, Green Bay- 582 receiving yards, 2 TD- All I needed to know about Jordy is that he scored 21 fantasy points in the Super Bowl.  That takes some pelotas grandes, mi amigos.  I expect big things out of Jordy this year- even if his first name is 'Jordy'.

13 Mike Williams, WR, Seattle- 751 receiving yards, 2 TD- In addition to having a monopoly of all the Mike Williams' ever to play in the NFL, I got a valuable 2nd/3rd receiver who will probably be "The Man" on a bad Seattle team.  Plus, I remember watching him in college, and he was like, the most dominant receiver I have ever seen. 

14 Greg Olsen, TE, Carolina- 404 receiving yards, 5 TD- A relatively safe later round pick.  Olsen has been solid, and playing for a bad team starting a rookie QB, I imagine that he'll see his fair share of targets.  Plus, both my TEs went to U-Miami, so at least they know how to party.  It's a long season, and we're going to need some distractions during those Dog Days of December when we're out of playoff contention and struggling to find a reason to live.

15 Patriots Defense- See: Defense, Ravens- It's a Bill Belichick 'D.  It has to be good, right?  Or at least, serviceable?

16 Neil Rackers, K, Houston- Kicking stats.  Blah blah blah- Rackers is the real deal.  I'm telling you.  You're going to read my postseason champions speech, see how I deftly nabbed Neil Rackers in the 16th round, and be amazed.  Then you'll buy my book, I'll become famous, and we'll pretend like 2010 never happened.

BONUS PICKS!!!

17 Steve Breaston, WR, Kansas City-718 receiving yards, 1 TD - I'll be honest.  The only reason I picked Steve is because I still have Fantasy Football feelings for Dwayne Bowe, and I want someone on the inside who can let me know how he's doing- and let him know that I still care, and I'll treasure our magical autumn forever.  Production from this guy is secondary. 

18 New York (Giants) Defense- 34 sacks, 12 INT, 3 T...oh, who am I kidding.  I just made those numbers up.  It's just too hard to look up defensive stats for a whole unit- I know they hurt a lot of quarterbacks last year.  Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.  And keep defensive units that hurt QBs basically on top of you.

19 Cam Newton, QB, Carolina- Rookie.  Hehehe ROOKie- I'll probably never play this guy.  I don't think he'll do very well.  I just thought it'd be cool to take the first overall pick of the NFL draft with the next-to-last pick of the fantasy draft.  Teach this kid a little humility.  Make him work a little bit.  Here on the Snow Flurries, you aren't just handed a starting spot because of your draft accolades- you gotta earn it.



With a short training camp and a lot of new faces, there isn't going to be much time to integrate all the newbies into our program and teach them how we roll.  Nonetheless, I have a plan.  And if I can get them to buy into that plan...well, that just might buy me enough time to escape.