Now I have returned to finish my work. Like Anakin brought balance to the Force, I will bring balance to the alphabet. Even if that means I have to kill some of it and disfigure the rest.
To bring you up to speed, the new alphabet of my creation is so far ABDFGHIKLMN. The rest of this exercise is elementary, really. Having taken out the letters 'E' and 'C', no others would dare oppose me. My logic-flawless. My execution-deadly precise. My aim-true. My grip on reality- slipping.
Today, I'll take O-Z to task. Which of them will survive to carry on my vision of the English language? Tune in right now and find out! Isn't this exciting? WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY WANT TO DO MORE THAN READ THIS BLOG!!?!??!?
As with before, I'm taking all letter facts from Wikipedia. And I'm taking all letter commentary from my brain.
Due to a scandal that was recently brought to my attention (thanks TBS), our thumbs up/thumbs down part will be played by legendary lemon Simon Cowell!
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| Would it kill you to smile, Simon? Oh. Oh, it would. It actually would kill you. My bad. Carry on. |
O- Inspired by the Egyptian hieroglyph for 'eye', and the fourth most common letter- I'd say this is pretty much a no-brainer. Don't ask why it's a no-brainer. When someone says "It's a no-brainer", they're really saying that they don't want you to ask any type of question that will expose their lack of knowledge about the subject. I will say that elimination of 'O' would be to the 'O' face what prohibition was to alcohol. And we all know how that turned out.
Simon says: Thumbs up
P- According to my friend Wikipedia, P is a voiceless bilabial plosive. What the what?
Let's break it down
There's a lot of stuff going on there. On one hand, being voiceless is a pretty useless trait in an alphabet whose sole purpose is to represent audible sounds. It's like a company having a mime as their spokesperson. But then it's also a bilabial plosive. No one really knows what that means, but it sounds an awful lot like 'Explosive', and so I'm afraid that if I try to forcibly remove the letter 'P' from the alphabet, it will blow up and take the alphabetical midsection (not to mention my hands) out along with it. So we're just going to keep 'P' right where it is and just back away...very slow like....
Simon says: Thumbs up
Q- I've been advised by my lawyer not to talk about 'Q', due to 'Q' being a minority letter...and with affirmative action...and the public relations backlash...but why can't I just say that 'Q' doesn't do anything 'K' and 'W' couldn't do? I mean, 'Q' can't even go into a word without taking 'U' with it- how weak is that? You're can't even start off a word without some vowel holding your hand lik....
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| Pause ten seconds for station indoctrination |
(Ten seconds later) I would like to issue a public apology to (do I have to do this? ZAP Okay, okay., jeez..) the letter 'Q'. I can only imagine how hard it is to be a (relatively useless and redunda ZAP ow ow ow ow) misunderstood and underutilized letter. On behalf of the new alphabet, we welcome you into our tolerant and totally non-confrontational society. Also, thank you for not suing me. ZAP Hey- what was that for?
Simon says: Thumbs up
R- 'R' is like 'P' with a second leg. That means that if 'P' is considered to be secure in the new alphabet, then 'R' would have to be like, twice as secure. Get it? Because he has a second leg to stand...oh, never mind.
Simon says: Thumbs up
S- Sometimes a place of employment will fire somebody so that they can promote someone else. Whether it's because they're a better worker, or younger, or cheaper, or cuter, it's a harsh reality of the economic climate. Animals do the same thing when they purposefully run faster than their older, sicklier third cousin. It's called The Circle of Life.
That's what 'S' is to me. There was excess, and I needed to make some cuts. 'C' was the old, sick letter that got taken down by the wolf pack, so I took it and threw it on the ground. Naturally, 'S' is going to getting a lot more action. I didn't promote 'S' because of his work ethic/age/letter capital/big booty. This is all about fat trimming. Let's just call it what it is- a marriage of convenience- and move on.
Simon says: Thumbs up
T- Ugh. 'T'. It's just so boring. No exciting backstory. No exotic function. No air flow. Just frequent, brutal, boring, efficiency. Well, and its own steak cut. Maybe if we dressed it up a little bit. Gave it a couple of griffins as bookends, put a magic wand on the top, like a Voldemort's wand...made it look like a tree...
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| Nope. It's still 'T'. But now it has boobs. So there's that. |
Simon says: Thumbs up
U/V- Details are sketchy, but I'm pretty sure there was some weird sort of incestuous disambiguation going on in the history of 'U' and 'V'. I think 'U' used to be 'Y'...or was it 'V'? I don't know. This stuff is just weird. It's like leafing through a yearbook from 'The Hills Have Eyes'.
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| Class of ARRGGHHRRGHHH rulzez!!!!!!!1!!!! |
(Allows a moment for the shock of brutal truth to wear off) How you ask? Simple. I'm going to pair 'Y' with two 'O's, or two 'A's for the soft 'U' sound (just think Boston accent). No-brainer. Let's move on quickly.
Plus, without 'U' around to emasculate him, maybe 'Q' will man up and finally start doing something productive. Otherwise there's going to be a 'Q coup'. And 'V'- shape up, or I'll enlist 'B' to take your place. And don't think I won't do it, either. Because I will.
Simon says: U, thumbs down. V, thumbs up
W- Definitely proof that some weird crap happened between 'U' and 'V'. How else do you explain a letter that is named "double U" but looks more like "double V"? Oh well. I'm keeping it around. It's good for office morale. And by 'good for office morale', I mean 'all the other letters can point and laugh and stare at Freakshow'.
Simon says: Thumbs up
X- Oh jeez, this again? I thought we were done currying favor with the alpha-proletariat. How much longer can we expect the upper class letters to keep picking up the slack of the bottom class lose....
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| Pause ten more seconds for station indoctrination |
(Lobotomized, with feeling) welcome to the new alphabet mister x
Simon says: thumbs up
Y- 'Y' is one of the cornerstones of a new alphabet. Its sleek design and bialphality (it's both a consonant and a vowel) makes it trendy and helps us connect with the yuppies. Its presence in the out-back of the alphabet makes it popular amongst the rebellious outcasts. Its position as the Rarest IPA Sound by a Letter of the Latin Alphabet makes it sound like an Oscars category. 'Y' is my ace pitcher, my star quarterback, my leading lady- all rolled into one.
Simon says: Thumbs up
Z- Semitic 'Z' represented a weapon. And what a bad-ass weapon it is. It's got those two hook things on top and bottom, which can be used to trip an opponent in melee combat, slice open his intestines, or to scale a wall. It also has the pointed corners, so you can use it in short quarters to stab your foe, like you were using a dagger. Again, with the brilliant dual-design, if you miss your stroke in one direction, merely double back in the other for a sure severing. In addition to melee combat, it also has ranged capabilities- much like a Chinese throwing star. Truly the weapon of a dynasty.
Oh. Were we talking about 'Z' as a letter? Eh, sure. Let it in. It can protect our backsides.
Simon says: Thumbs up
After analyzing the back half of our alphabet, only one letter came off the board. Perhaps I was feeling generous today. Maybe the back half of the alphabet is like an untapped natural resource of sound potential. It's possible my heart just wasn't really in it. But whatever the reason, our new alphabet is:
ABDFGHIKLMNOPQRSTVWXYZ
ALL HAIL THE NEW ALPHABET!
I'm going to begin a massive Twitter campaign to get the ball rolling. Because people on Twitter aren't really working with a fully functional alphabet anyways.
PICS- Egg- http://antifraudintl.org/imagehosting/244b29c537e5924.jpg
Simon- http://cbskmvq.files.wordpress.com/2010/05/simon_cowell-thumbs_down.jpg?w=385&h=294
Color bars- http://bagelradio.com/blog/uploaded_images/off+the+air+color+bars-761961.jpg
Letter T- http://www.fromoldbooks.org/DelamotteOrnamentalAlphabets/051-16th-Century-letter-t-q85-468x500.jpg
Sloth- http://images.icanhascheezburger.com/completestore/2008/12/4/128728747597485642.jpg
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