Nu-phabet

Before you read this, you should know that I am sitting on a virtual gold mine of thoughts, ideas, and written words.  I have so many things in queue at the moment that I had to buy an appointment book so that my future ponderings could schedule appointments just to be queued. I feel like The Most Interesting Man in the world, except insert 'Hot Airest' for 'Interesting'.

I don't always have anything to say, really, but when I do, I fill it with so much sarcasm and tongue-in-cheek humor that I might as well have not even said it.

I tell you this because a couple of the things in publication purgatory are actually about real life thinkity-things.  Which is what I kinda want my blog to be...at least sometimes, anyways.  A blog about ridiculous Fantasy Football scenarios (and by the way, it only took one half of football for me to kick myself for a misplay, which has to be some sort of record) can only sustain itself for so long...it's like a diet of Twinkies.  It might keep you alive for awhile, but you're going to get fat and ugly.  Or in my case, fatter and uglier.

But before I bring out the celery and peanut butter, I'm going to shove another (metaphorical) Twinkie down your throat.  Mmmmm...that sounds good.  I think I'll grab one for me too (metaphorical, of course).  A delicious (metaphorical) Twinkie passing through my lips always brings a smile to my face and a socially uncomfortable gurgle to my tummy.

A couple years ago, I wrote an almost-critically acclaimed editorial against the letter 'E'.  Since that time, my resolve to end our alphabet's most prominent freeloader has only increased.  Unfortunately, it's been a bitter struggle, and no real progress gets made.

I have consistently been on record as being willing to compromise, but 'E' went on a nasty smear campaign which nearly cost me...well, nothing, really.  It wasn't anything scandalous, it was just really gross.  Like pictures of me picking my nose and stuff.  Anyways, 'E' has consistently proven unwilling to negotiate and uninterested in stepping aside.  'E' wants to cling blindly to its position of "power" and ignore the fact that languages evolve. 

In addition to 'E's misappropriation of power, there are two other things happening that are shaking the once solid foundations of our alphabet.

1) People are staunchly against the idea of getting something for nothing.  Michigan's recent legislation against those who have been poor "too long" is only the latest in a series of actions by conservatives to scale back the government on the backs of the poor, elderly, and otherwise disenfranchised. 

2) Due to the economic climate, there is a movement towards job consolidation.  It's cheaper to have one position that does two tasks than to have two positions that do two tasks.  And get those high priced vets out of there- we want our youth movement!

What does this mean for letters?  Simple.  If you want an example of phoneme freeloading, then look no farther than 'E'.  That letter is the ultimate 'something for nothing'.   Secondly, letters that serve multiple functions are in much higher demand than letters that can't.  And our alphabet is chock full of letters that can do the job of 2 or 3 other letters.

With that said, I am going to present you a letter-by-letter analysis of the alphabet, and submit to you my proposal for a New Alphabet (not to be confused with the New World Order.  Well, maybe a little confused).  Yes.  All this intro for a qualitative analysis of the alphabet.  If singing the ABC's is your idea of empirical alphabetical assessment, then you can stop right here.  But if you are a truth seeker, then by all means, keep going.  Note: All letter facts are taken from Wikipedia.  In the past, I have ridiculed Wikipedia as a legitimate source.  However, we've agreed to bury the hatchet, let bygones be bygones, and enter into bed business together.  I love you, Wikipedia!

So I'm going to do the first half of the alphabet here, systematically breaking down each letter (well, more of a well-placed sledgehammer to the weak spot) and giving it the Imperial thumbs up/thumbs down for my New Alphabet. 

Palpatine was unavailable, so the part of Emperor will be played by Johnny Cash

A- Originated as an oxhead.  So that's one pro, right there.  Your leadoff hitter in an alphabet either has to be easily found in a phonebook or able to wreck stores that specialize in glass.  The fact that 'A' has two minuscule forms, while cosmetic, is impressive.  It also boasts an impressive resume' of six (SIX!) vowel sounds, and is the letter that schools decided would represent the achievements of their best students.

Verdict- Thumbs up

B- First it was a floorpan in Egypt.  I don't know what a floorpan is, but if it's anything like a bedpan, then that's just gross.  Not really looking good, 'B'.  It also loses points because the minuscule version is just the tiny 'd' in the mirror.  Seems really fake to me, although if I inherited my shape from a living room bathroom contraption, I'd probably have self-esteem issues too.  That's probably why 'B' also hangs out in words it wasn't really invited to, like lamb, debt, doubt, bomb, etc.  The more I look at 'B', the more it looks like a loser- but unfortunately, the letter 'V' just can't pick up the slack.  If this was a reality show, then 'B' is the guy where it's him and the guy that gets voted out, and the host is like 'B' (dramatic pause) you're in.  What I'm saying is don't buy a house, 'B'.

Verdict-A less than resounding Thumbs up

C- 'C' was definitely the second letter on the chopping block after 'E'.  'C' doesn't really do anything that 'S' and 'K' already do better.  Really, the only problem I see would involve 'ch' (as in church), but I think we could work around it.  The hard 'ch' sound could be replaced by a 'K', whereas a soft 'ch' sound could probably be indicated by a 'tsh'.  The fact that 'C' is a handicapped 'G' is the last straw.  Sorry buddy- the ABC's are about to become the ABDs.

Verdict- Thumbs down

D- Crap, forgot the spoiler alert!  Oh well, it isn't like I could really go without 'D'.  In addition to hanging around to help 'B' feel better about himself, 'D' also originated from a door.  I could think of a better welcome mat than an oxhead or a floorpan, but 'D' is warm and soft enough to pull it off.  It's like a big fat teddy bear.  Look at it.  Don't you just want to go give it a hug?  That's the kind of mojo that our Nu-phabet is going for.

Verdict- Thumbs up

E- The only way I would consider keeping 'E' around is if etymologically it derived from a calling or praying human (looks at Wikipedia).  Damn.  Well, I guess you can stay, 'E'.

JUST KIDDING!  Look, I know what you've done for our language, and it's great.  It really is.  But this here's Americuh.  And in Americuh, we don't take kindly to handouts.  It don't matter if yar in the most words out there if ya ain't doing a cotton-picking tarnation-tooting thing in oneofum.  (I do think 'E' has some uses- especially in a word like 'excess'...or 'especially'.  But I already gave it that option, and it didn't take it.  Time to play hardball, chump)

Verdict- Thumbs down

F- Started out as a club/mace.  Now that's a letter I can get behind!  As long as the person wielding the 'F' is careful not to just flail around with it wildly.  Its minuscule form was involved in the famous 'Long S' controversy back in the 19th century, but 'F' has been working hard since then to repair his image.  And by 'working hard', I mean 'bonking people on the head'.

Verdict- Thumbs up

G- No mystical Egyptian pictosymbol, 'G' here worked his way into the alphabet the hard way.  Paid his dues, toughed it out in the early days as a variant of ‹c› to distinguish voiced /ɡ/ from voiceless /k/, survived a near-emasculation by 'C', and now stands tall as one of the leading consonants.  Indeed, the ability to have both a hard and soft sound is what makes 'G' a rarity in the rough and tumble world of consonanthood.  He's like a guy who brings flowers home to his wife after work, and beats up muggers with those flowers.  Tough guy- yet sensitive.  Definitely a keeper.

Verdict- Thumbs up

H- Fittingly, 'H' comes across his broad shoulders and stout base by being a fence, or a fence posts.  The only letter to legitimately look like a football goal post, 'H' is awfully submissive and passive for a consonant.  But the other letters love him.  'C', 'G', 'P', 'S', 'T'-  they all like to hang out with with 'H' and just see what kinds of crazy shenanigans they can do to words.  That's why I'm keeping 'H' around.  He's not an all-star caliber guy, but he is great for chemistry, and we're going to need that when the other letters find out that not all of their friends are going to be around after I make cuts.

Verdict- Thumbs up

I-If you read my post on the letter 'E' (and really, by this point there is no reason to have not read it.  It's been around for two years, and I just hyperlinked it today), then you know that my whole plan to usurp the letter 'E' hinges on 'I' and her ability to form a long /e/ sound.  So even though we don't like each other, we have mutual respect for each other.  She knows that I need her to make this thing work, but she has also seen me cull this alphabet with the cold and steady hand of progress, and knows that any number of potential lines with the right curves could be the next Top Vowel.

Verdict- Thumbs up

J-Part of being an avatar for change means that sometimes the old has to go.  There are tough choices to be made, cuts doled out, but at the end of the day a species must survive and that means that the vulnerable are most likely to not make it.  It is with a heavy heart that I must part ways with the letter that starts my name- 'J'.  It's such a nice letter, and it's always served me well.  I like the fact that I can give him a hat sometimes, and that in his minuscule form, he dips below the boundary line.  But the truth is that redundant letters are expendable, and 'J' doesn't do anything that soft 'g' and a random 'dzh' couldn't accomplish (or even a 'Y', as in the word Hallelujah).  For what it's worth, I'll probably spell my name Dzhason Diin Parks under the new regime.  Goodbye, 'J'.  Thanks for the memories.

Verdict- Thumbs down

K- The pictogram for 'K' comes from the symbol for an open hand.  And when I think of 'open hand', I think of someone who is just standing around and not doing anything while I'm busy trying to bring in all the groceries in one trip.  Hey you!  Yes, you.  Look alive now and get the door for me!  Fortunately ,with the dismissal of 'C', 'K' will have lots more work to do.  Idle hands do the devils work, after all...

Verdict- For his own good, Thumbs up

L- 'L' originated as a shepherds staff or a cattle prod.  Which automatically qualifies him for membership.  We need a piece of scalding hot metal to keep these other yahoos in line- especially 'K', who has been freeloading in the sneaky sort of way.

Verdict- Thumbs up

M-Sometimes I think the people who made the old alphabet just haphazardly threw letters in some random, meaningless order.  Other times, I think that they were pretty darn smart.  Take 'M', for instance.  'M' is a picture of water.  So we have lazy 'K', the scorching kit that is 'L', and then a bucket o' water in 'M' to toss at 'K' if he cries like a baby when we brand him.  Like a raging sea of goodness, you can string a series of 'M's together to get Mmmmmmm...which is my very favorite vocable in the entire world.

Verdict- Thumbs up

N- I was seriously going to try to split this right down the middle, so there'd be a nice clean break between parts one and two.  Once I realized that would require separating 'M' and 'N', I changed my mind.  To me, 'M' and 'N' have always been inseparable, right down to my inability to say the alphabet without vocally merging them into one long superletter, pronounced 'EmEn'.  It would probably look like this:

Likewise, there is no way I could be so cold and heartless to keep one without the other.  And actually, both letters are on record as saying 'If he goes, I go'.  And I have zero bargaining position.  So it's kind of hard for me to feel happy about this.

Verdict- Thumbs up

So here's what we're left with for our New Alphabet after 14 letters went through inspection.
ABDFGHIKLMN

Pretty solid list.  What about your ideas?  Think I was too harsh on some, too lenient on others?  I'm not going to change my mind, but I could be persuaded to show a little mercy.  Perhaps...

Tune in again sometime for the conclusion of my occupational ideas!


Pics: Most interesting man- http://images.media.nscdn.com/index.php?src=http://fiveforces.ca/wp-content/uploads/2010/07/most_interesting_man.jpg&size=400x1000 

Phoenix- https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9TnrK7WnhHoj1DLoZYUS_O8v75znUrdwHxS9BwYUPhhicFcgtz-UqClVB03QX7gkRkfohNAq7R1xdM6mc1aQKaYve1Z21jpBoxBK5XpCQHvYv4Yngy0NOCHxVLJdbolJDK9jC7Rk0qd4/s1600/gladiator-thumbs-down.jpg

Buses- http://365barrington.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/Post-Row-of-Buses.jpg