WCW Hardcore Championship Tournament

Before I begin my Championship Tournament Tour, I have a confession, and since part of my gimmick is going to be treading on history and lore of Wrestling Past...I feel like you should just know that wrestling wasn't this huge, huge part of my formative years.  Obviously it was a part of it- I have some strong attachments to the late 80s/early 90s roster of grapplers and in truth I have earlier memories of wrestling than I do hockey or basketball.  But as I watch the 'Behind the Scenes' shows on the WWE Network (seriously, if you like wrestling even a little bit, you should get it because it's fantastic) and see all these people with very vivid memories of certain events...I realize that I don't have a lot of significant/specific wrestling moments.  I don't know if we ever purchased a Pay-per-View.  I didn't watch wrestling every week, and I certainly wasn't a Tape Trader.  I'm a casual fan at best.

So apologies in advance if in my quest to share my fantasy booking diary with the world I accidentally crap on a favorite wrestling memory.  If, for example, you have fond memories of that one guy in the Nasty Boys winning the WCW Hardcore Title....then this blog may or may not crap all over that memory.  Because I have no attachment to it (and many of the championship belts in all honesty), I will be treating it like the prop that it really probably was.  The same will probably go for wrestlers.  And I hope that we can all be okay with that.

With that said, the WCW Hardcore Championship Tournament, folks!

Qualifier:
The 16 competitors for this tournament were decided by a series of 10-man Royal Rumbles.  And yes, they were all awesome.

1st Round:

David Otunga vs Hollywood Hogan- Okay, I have to admit that the whole reason I set up this match as a 1st Round showdown was to set up a potentially exciting bracket where John Cena would have to work through members of the NWO in order to advance to the championship match.  This didn't happen for a couple of reasons.

1) I screwed up when setting up the bracket and made it so it would only be possible for Cena to face off against one of the NWO superstars en route to the title.  Proving once again, that I am a moron.
2) David Otunga demolished Hollywood Hogan.

Needless to say, I was shocked.  Maybe not as shocked as I was when the Undertaker was defeated at Real Wrestlemania 30, but shocked nonetheless.  After the match, Jerry "The King" Lawler said it was 'the biggest victory of his life', and while Otunga graduated from Harvard Law and married Jennifer Hudson in reality, it's not a stretch to say that defeating Hollywood Hogan on my video game has to at least be in the top three of Otunga life moments.

Scott Hall (NWO) vs Darren Young- An old-fashioned squash match.  The only thing I can really say about this match is what's up with Hall's ring gear?

Answer: I don't know

Adrian Neville vs George RR Martin- First off, let me just say that 'RR' is right up there with 'W' and 'The' in the pantheon of middle names.  I feel like giving your child one of those middle names automatically gives them 1,000,000 Future Success XPs.    

This was the ultimate case of Fantasy-fantasy booking.  You have George RR Martin, preeminent fantasy writing mind of our time and the author of the highly-acclaimed Song of Fire and Ice series, in one corner.  In the other corner, you have an elf:

What?

 No, not that guy.  Hang on here...

Uh nope

Pictured: An elf.

For most of the match there was a nice little back and forth and I totally thought Neville had this match in the bag at one point, but Martin finally was able to hit the Red Wedding (his finisher), score the victory, and end yet another wildly beloved character.  

Waluigi vs John Cena- A surprisingly competitive match, Cena actually had to leave the ring at one point to escape the onslaught of Waluigi. 

A guy who can't even beat meat.

After Cena left the ring, he remembered how to win.  So he threw Waluigi up in the air and delivered the Attitude Adjustment for the win. The end.

Big Show (Retro) vs Kane  - In my WCW Hardcore Championship Tournament Preview (which took place in my brain), I deftly noted that neither of these two guys would have a chance at the title because they would end up beating the kayfabe out of each other.  That's exactly what happened, and it was kind of glorious.  Easily the best match of the first round, with near-falls and giant slams everywhere.  Big Show ended up winning the match and (probably) our hearts. 

Hamburglar vs Dusty Rhodes- What we had here was a match between a guy whose sole joy in life is stealing every hamburger he lays his eyes on...and the Hamburglar.  This was a dramatic and competitive affair.  Hamburglar got the early offensive with a series of punches and kicks, attacking Rhodes like he was a giant hamburger-filled pinata.  Rhodes stood strong and gave a last stand that, while it wasn't quite Helms Deep, was valiant and will probably be immortalized in song at some point most likely a McDonalds jingle. In the end, Hamburglar dug into his pants for brass knuckles (a finisher which I have affectionately dubbed The Big SMac), slugged Dusty right in his blade-scarred face, and rolled him up for the 3 count.

Jeff Hardy vs Michael PS Hayes- In an unexpected squash of a match, Hayes proved he's not just a pretty face and beat the ever-loving crap out of Jeff Hardy.  Although really, Hayes isn't even that pretty of a face.         

Pictured: 1970s sex symbol

Brock Lesnar (Retro) vs Konnor O'Brian- The Ascension (Knowledge drop: Konnor O'Brian is in the Ascension) are a dominant tag team force in NXT who have taken any and all comers (including Too Cool!).  And Brock Lesnar destroyed Konnor so quickly that I didn't even have time to think of a clever analogy of how quickly he destroyed him.

2nd Round:
Scott Hall vs David Otunga- Hall continued his rampage through the tournament by quickly disposing of an overmatched Otunga and avenging the loss of his friend and mentor, Hollywood Hogan.  NWO 4 life, friends.  4 life.     

George RR Martin vs John Cena- Martin got the jump early and scored a near fall by the ropes, but Cena had one of his patented comebacks in the pocket of his jorts and proceeded to dispatch the portly fantasy author and advance to the semi-finals JUST AS I HAD FORSEEN IN THE PROPHECY. 

Hamburglar vs Big Show- Any question about how Hamburglar would respond to his slight upset in the 1st Round (and yes, there were certainly questions) were answered when Hamburglar hit the Show with not one...not two...but THREE Big SMacs.  Oh, and he also did a flying elbow on top of a prone Big Show while he was laying on the announce table.  Big Show kicked out twice, but in the end, the cumulative effects of his slobberknocker with Kane combined with all the abuse from the Hamburglar were too much to overcome.

Michael PS Hayes vs Brock Lesnar (Retro)- Brock whipped it into high gear quickly and left a Confederate flag-colored streak where Hayes used to be, forcing Hayes to tap out via Brock Lock (Really?  That's the name of the finishing move- the Brock Lock?).  I have to admit, I am in love with Lesnar in this tournament.  He has been this unstoppable, bad-ass ass-kicking machine, which is exactly how Brock Lesnar should be.  I'm excited to see what happens when he takes on a professional hamburger thief in the next round.

Semi-finals:
John Cena vs. Scott Hall- A lot of the guys who I have seen run their own pretend wrestling promotions may not have my communication skills, biting sense of humor, or dashing good looks- but they all certainly have one thing I do not: The ability to record matches from their video game systems.  So I apologize if I do a crappy job of describing matches, especially when the technology exists for you to see them for yourselves.

I bring this up because there was a part of this match where Cena was glitching over a prone Hall and I assumed he was freestyling some dopey rap and be all, like, taunty- and you weren't there to see it with me!  In hindsight, it wasn't all that great.  So you probably didn't miss much.  However you did miss Hall coming back from having his Attitude Adjusted and then gaining the upper hand, subduing Cena, and advancing to the WCW Hardcore Championship.

But man, at this point in the tournament Hall's gear is really bothering me.  I know that like 'vandalism' and 'counter culture' were the whole NWO schtick, and they would, like, graffiti everyone and everything, but seriously- Scott, your ring gear looks like it has huge gobs of dripping white slime on it.  You are a professional wrestler, Scott.  It's time you started dressing like one. 

Said the man with the inflatable circuit board suit

Brock Lesnar vs Hamburglar- The Brock Lesnar Swath Cutting Tour continues, despite having the game on Normal settings. I'll bet Brock has eaten hamburgers that have given him more trouble than the Hamburglar did.

FINALS:
Scott Hall vs Brock Lesnar- Another short match ending in decimation, which, when you think about it, is perfect because Brock Lesnar is the perfect man to carry the WCW Hardcore championship.  Because he is so Hardcore.

Congratulations to Brock Lesnar for winning the WCW Hardcore Championship and thank you for reading!  Tune in next time as Brock will try to take out....himself?

PICS:
Scott Hall- http://www.oxmonline.com/files/imagecache/futureus_imagegallery_fullsize/gallery/razor_ramon_nwo.jpg
Legolas- http://images5.fanpop.com/image/photos/25500000/Legolas-legolas-greenleaf-25589661-1000-802.jpg
Buddy- http://blog.dormify.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/elf1.jpeg
Neville- http://4crwrestling.files.wordpress.com/2014/01/71451_613072105409024_2129089312_n.jpg
Waluigi- http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/archive/4/46/20130913123103!Waluigi.png
Hayes- http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lkzqceLw3H1qj53aco1_400.jpg
Max Moon- http://media.kayfabenews.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/MAX_MOON.jpg
Lesnar- http://dailywrestlingnews.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/Intense-Lesnar.gif

My Olympic weekend

For those of my readers who either aren't paying attention or are living under a rock (not being facetious, by the way- 33% of my readership is in either of these two categories), the Olympic Games started this weekend.  You may have heard of them, they're sort of a big deal, only happening every 4 years.  Although, with all the national championships and world championships and world cups...maybe it's not such a big deal.  Side tangent- why are the world championships considered less prestigious than the Olympics?  I mean, you're the champion.  Of the world.  THE WORLD!!!  What can be better than that?  It's the freaking world!!!  Leonardo DiCaprio didn't say "I'm the king of the Olympics!".  Dr. Evil didn't hold the Olympics ransom for one million dollars.  And God didn't send His only son because He loved the Olympics.  Come on!

I'm not really sure what my tangent was about.  But it's out there now, and it's up to the world to take up the gauntlet of my crusade.  Or whatevs.

Back on task, the Olympics.  As I've alluded to before (or perhaps just came right out and said...I can't be bothered to remember such things), living with my in-laws has been awesome because they have, like, a 500-inch Flat Screen Plasma HDMI Future TV.  And they like to watch sports.  So, seeing as I like to watch sports, and they like to watch sports, and the Olympics are the Mecca of sports...this past weekend we watched a lot of the Olympics.

Unfortunately, you haven't been watching them with me.  For about 33% of you, that's because you either live under a rock or simply haven't been paying attention.  The rest of you, sadly, just don't live here.  Or not so sadly if you do, in fact, snore.

Don't sweat it though- I've decided that rather than let that your snoring come between you and the privilege of knowing what I'm thinking as I watch the XXX Olympics, I will bring my Olympic thoughts right to you, hand delivered on a silver platter through the miracle of the internet.  I know you'll probably never get a chance to say thank you- but really, you'll never have to.  I'm that awesome.

But seriously, you should say 'Thank you'.

This isn't going to be any sort of running tabulation or a Bill Simmons-running-diary.  No, this is just me, sitting down at my computer after the fact and typing up some random thoughts about what I've witnessed.  Will it be as epic as what I actually witnessed?  Pfft...please.  Of course it is.  This is the Olympics, brah.

VOLLEYBALL:

I watched the US Mens and Womens team take on Serbia and South Korea, respectively.  Volleyball is one of my favorite Olympic sports.  I'm familiar enough with it to know what's going on, but watching it only once every four years makes it feel fresh and new.  It's not quite as cool as Sepak Takraw, but still- it's pretty awesome.

WARNING- This paragraph is probably going to seem to be veering hard into 'sexist' territory.  But I'm going to navigate it so smoothly and deftly you're going to wonder what the heck just happened.  Either that or I'm going to smack in the middle of Don Imus' forehead.  I enjoy watching women's volleyball just as much as I do the men's game.  It's one of the few sports where I can honestly say that, and it's not because volleyball players are cute.  (Actually, the US Olympic team this year is not very attractive.  The whole game against South Korea, it was painfully obvious who had the more beautiful side.  South Korea was just flat-out drop-unconscious gorgeous though).  The women, while not playing with the same athleticism as their male counterparts, play at a high enough level to where that difference is not noticeable.  Also, the women utilize more lob shots than the men, who seem destined to spike every third hit no matter where they are or how many defenders might be blocking them. 

Last thought on volleyball- the US team has a player named Destinee Hooker.  I just want to say WHAT THE HECK were her parents thinking?  Did they lose a bet?  Were they conducting some sort of sociological experiment?  Did her moms water break as they were driving through the Red Light district?  Literally that is the worst name I have ever heard.  There is no coming back from that name.  Her parents, in one fell swoop, managed to give her a name that evokes images of a prostitute and a stripper.  All I know is that if Shane ever brings home a girl named Destinee Hooker, he is either getting A) Punched in the face, B) Disowned, or C) Punched in the face and then disowned.  

HANDBALL:

France beat Norway in women's handball.  Apparently this is a huge upset, since Norway is like the Chicago Bulls of handball.  See, this is why you watch the Olympics.  Now that I know this, I can't imagine how I lived life without knowing that Norway excels at womens handball.  Anyways, handball is like the America of sports- a melting pot of other games- a lot of basketball mixed with some soccer and hockey- and dodgeball.  Like America, it's awesome. 

Side tangent #2- I'm finding out that the phrase 'World Cup' does not belong to soccer alone.  Apparently every sport has a World Cup.  And I just think, there's already a World Cup-level event.  It's called soccer.  You can have Bowl, or Fondue, or Serving Spoon- but please.  Nobody cares about your sport other than the parents who shelled out thousands of dollars so you could maybe go to the Olympics.  Have some decency and leave the Cup moniker to the real sports.  End tangent.

ARCHERY:

I have never watched competitive archery before, and after watching South Korea (another mystery dynasty) defeat China in the women's final, I just have to ask myself- why?  THIS SPORT IS AWESOME!!!  It's like Legolas versus Hawkeye versus Robin Hood, but for reals.  It was amazingly intense, every archer seeming to come up with a clutch shot- if football is a game of inches, then archery has to be a game of centimeters.  Plus, there was a camera placed head-on with the archers.  How big do your stones have to be to be operating a camera face-to-face with an archer? 

ROWING:

I watched some rowing.  Other than hearing that a Grand Valley State graduate was on one of the women's teams, I really don't have much to say about this sport other than I can see why it's so popular among the Ivy League schools.  When you're smarter than everybody else, you get to partake of the frivolities that the rest of us find incredibly boring.

BASKETBALL:

I watched the NBA all-stars US men defeat France by lots, a little bit of Spain/China, and the first quarter trainwreck that was the US women and that European team that they played.  Not much I can say that hasn't been said about the US mens team- they're obviously very talented, but watching blowout basketball is not very compelling.  Indeed, I was washing dishes while this game was on, which should tell you how non-must-see-TV this game was.  I've watched a couple of the US games, and the talking heads of sports, and everybody is talking about our weaknesses while we blow teams away by 20+ points every game.  Sure, this years team is no Dream Team- but at what point do we stop trying to manufacture some drama and just watch the hurricane blow through the opposition?

The US womens game though...that was different.  I was all in for this game, not because it was compelling.  Actually, it was so bad that it became compelling.  Like you were rooting for the US to pitch a shut-out level compelling.  Like you were rooting for the US to win a close game after while scoring less than 40 points.  Seriously, this game set womens basketball back fifty years, easy.  I've never been a huge womens basketball fan- this may sound sexist, and I apologize for that, but I feel that guys just do it better.  They are faster, stronger, and jump higher.  Sure, women may do some of the fundamental things better (which I realize may be a stereotypical/generalist argument), but it's not more exciting.  I enjoy basketball, but I enjoy excitement more.  If I have to choose between basketball and exciting basketball, then it's a no-brainer.  I'm choosing NBA 2k11 on the PS3.

SWIMMING:

Thanks to Michael Phelps, swimming is as trendy as it has ever been and will probably ever be.  Me?  Not buying.  It's still just people swimming fast in a pool.  I will say this, though- as a habitual nose plugger, I'm super impressed with how these swimmers aren't drowning all the time.  Seriously, how do they do that?  If I get a little bit of water through my nose, I'm making a dead sprint to the pool side so I can cough my lungs out.  Did I miss out on the gene that allows you to breathe underwater like a fish? 

One of the downsides of having an Olympics in a different time zone is that the TV coverage does not always match up with the real time.  That means that I knew Michael Phelps did not medal pretty much before I even saw him qualify.  And I went upstairs last night so that I could see the US mens 4X100 relay team win the silver medal that MSN.com had already told me about.  Swimming is already not exciting- but when the drama is completely eliminated, I realize that I really don't care about swimming.  Period. 

Side tangent #3- I love watching these weird, non-familiar sports, and listening to all these commentators who are taking these sports much, much more seriously than I ever will with more insight and knowledge about them than I will ever have (or care to have).  The idea that these sports are happening somewhere in the world even when it's not the Olympics is still slightly mind-blowing for me.  It's like object permanence but with sports.

FIELD HOCKEY:

People playing hockey by running around on a hard floor- should be awesome, right?  WRONG.  I tried to watch the US womens team versus Germany but found that I couldn't.  It was pretty boring.  And I don't think it was because it was women's field hockey- I just don't think the sport is all that compelling.  It's way slower than ice hockey, which seems to negate any potential skill that could make the sport exciting.  Plus, I just kept thinking about their backs, and all that bending over, and I decided that watching field hockey is the poor mans version of watching somebody claw the chalkboard. 

BONUS:

While typing this blog, I watched a little bit of kayaking and found out that if your kayak capsizes and you pass through a gate, you are given a 50 second penalty.  Is that not the biggest d-bag penalty you could give out?  I mean, when a kayak capsizes, there's a legitimate chance that the person could drown, right?  So naturally, the best way to empathize is to dock them almost a minute of penalty time.  Here, you almost drowned AND we're making sure there's no way you can win.  In the kayaking world, is there that much of a concern that somebody would purposefully capsize their kayak in order to manipulate the course more successfully? 

I'm actually asking, I really don't know.  It just seems like an excessively harsh penalty.  But I can't get too hung up on that- US versus Brazil in women's volleyball is on!!!

PIC- https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSDBOm7yzpg-F4eFP2bXnXDtsKTxcPUBFrqxF-1mGZmOBI8wvk59Ewonvpl_4LdAz4eL9dZjXfXy3IKz2G9gb5gCqxELBQXlFgYQ3q9BbcTtqqgoYzkbrRKoIHbvcBLaElFiStc0WJesM/s1600/936full-batman-begins-screenshot.jpg