WCW Hardcore Championship Tournament

Before I begin my Championship Tournament Tour, I have a confession, and since part of my gimmick is going to be treading on history and lore of Wrestling Past...I feel like you should just know that wrestling wasn't this huge, huge part of my formative years.  Obviously it was a part of it- I have some strong attachments to the late 80s/early 90s roster of grapplers and in truth I have earlier memories of wrestling than I do hockey or basketball.  But as I watch the 'Behind the Scenes' shows on the WWE Network (seriously, if you like wrestling even a little bit, you should get it because it's fantastic) and see all these people with very vivid memories of certain events...I realize that I don't have a lot of significant/specific wrestling moments.  I don't know if we ever purchased a Pay-per-View.  I didn't watch wrestling every week, and I certainly wasn't a Tape Trader.  I'm a casual fan at best.

So apologies in advance if in my quest to share my fantasy booking diary with the world I accidentally crap on a favorite wrestling memory.  If, for example, you have fond memories of that one guy in the Nasty Boys winning the WCW Hardcore Title....then this blog may or may not crap all over that memory.  Because I have no attachment to it (and many of the championship belts in all honesty), I will be treating it like the prop that it really probably was.  The same will probably go for wrestlers.  And I hope that we can all be okay with that.

With that said, the WCW Hardcore Championship Tournament, folks!

Qualifier:
The 16 competitors for this tournament were decided by a series of 10-man Royal Rumbles.  And yes, they were all awesome.

1st Round:

David Otunga vs Hollywood Hogan- Okay, I have to admit that the whole reason I set up this match as a 1st Round showdown was to set up a potentially exciting bracket where John Cena would have to work through members of the NWO in order to advance to the championship match.  This didn't happen for a couple of reasons.

1) I screwed up when setting up the bracket and made it so it would only be possible for Cena to face off against one of the NWO superstars en route to the title.  Proving once again, that I am a moron.
2) David Otunga demolished Hollywood Hogan.

Needless to say, I was shocked.  Maybe not as shocked as I was when the Undertaker was defeated at Real Wrestlemania 30, but shocked nonetheless.  After the match, Jerry "The King" Lawler said it was 'the biggest victory of his life', and while Otunga graduated from Harvard Law and married Jennifer Hudson in reality, it's not a stretch to say that defeating Hollywood Hogan on my video game has to at least be in the top three of Otunga life moments.

Scott Hall (NWO) vs Darren Young- An old-fashioned squash match.  The only thing I can really say about this match is what's up with Hall's ring gear?

Answer: I don't know

Adrian Neville vs George RR Martin- First off, let me just say that 'RR' is right up there with 'W' and 'The' in the pantheon of middle names.  I feel like giving your child one of those middle names automatically gives them 1,000,000 Future Success XPs.    

This was the ultimate case of Fantasy-fantasy booking.  You have George RR Martin, preeminent fantasy writing mind of our time and the author of the highly-acclaimed Song of Fire and Ice series, in one corner.  In the other corner, you have an elf:

What?

 No, not that guy.  Hang on here...

Uh nope

Pictured: An elf.

For most of the match there was a nice little back and forth and I totally thought Neville had this match in the bag at one point, but Martin finally was able to hit the Red Wedding (his finisher), score the victory, and end yet another wildly beloved character.  

Waluigi vs John Cena- A surprisingly competitive match, Cena actually had to leave the ring at one point to escape the onslaught of Waluigi. 

A guy who can't even beat meat.

After Cena left the ring, he remembered how to win.  So he threw Waluigi up in the air and delivered the Attitude Adjustment for the win. The end.

Big Show (Retro) vs Kane  - In my WCW Hardcore Championship Tournament Preview (which took place in my brain), I deftly noted that neither of these two guys would have a chance at the title because they would end up beating the kayfabe out of each other.  That's exactly what happened, and it was kind of glorious.  Easily the best match of the first round, with near-falls and giant slams everywhere.  Big Show ended up winning the match and (probably) our hearts. 

Hamburglar vs Dusty Rhodes- What we had here was a match between a guy whose sole joy in life is stealing every hamburger he lays his eyes on...and the Hamburglar.  This was a dramatic and competitive affair.  Hamburglar got the early offensive with a series of punches and kicks, attacking Rhodes like he was a giant hamburger-filled pinata.  Rhodes stood strong and gave a last stand that, while it wasn't quite Helms Deep, was valiant and will probably be immortalized in song at some point most likely a McDonalds jingle. In the end, Hamburglar dug into his pants for brass knuckles (a finisher which I have affectionately dubbed The Big SMac), slugged Dusty right in his blade-scarred face, and rolled him up for the 3 count.

Jeff Hardy vs Michael PS Hayes- In an unexpected squash of a match, Hayes proved he's not just a pretty face and beat the ever-loving crap out of Jeff Hardy.  Although really, Hayes isn't even that pretty of a face.         

Pictured: 1970s sex symbol

Brock Lesnar (Retro) vs Konnor O'Brian- The Ascension (Knowledge drop: Konnor O'Brian is in the Ascension) are a dominant tag team force in NXT who have taken any and all comers (including Too Cool!).  And Brock Lesnar destroyed Konnor so quickly that I didn't even have time to think of a clever analogy of how quickly he destroyed him.

2nd Round:
Scott Hall vs David Otunga- Hall continued his rampage through the tournament by quickly disposing of an overmatched Otunga and avenging the loss of his friend and mentor, Hollywood Hogan.  NWO 4 life, friends.  4 life.     

George RR Martin vs John Cena- Martin got the jump early and scored a near fall by the ropes, but Cena had one of his patented comebacks in the pocket of his jorts and proceeded to dispatch the portly fantasy author and advance to the semi-finals JUST AS I HAD FORSEEN IN THE PROPHECY. 

Hamburglar vs Big Show- Any question about how Hamburglar would respond to his slight upset in the 1st Round (and yes, there were certainly questions) were answered when Hamburglar hit the Show with not one...not two...but THREE Big SMacs.  Oh, and he also did a flying elbow on top of a prone Big Show while he was laying on the announce table.  Big Show kicked out twice, but in the end, the cumulative effects of his slobberknocker with Kane combined with all the abuse from the Hamburglar were too much to overcome.

Michael PS Hayes vs Brock Lesnar (Retro)- Brock whipped it into high gear quickly and left a Confederate flag-colored streak where Hayes used to be, forcing Hayes to tap out via Brock Lock (Really?  That's the name of the finishing move- the Brock Lock?).  I have to admit, I am in love with Lesnar in this tournament.  He has been this unstoppable, bad-ass ass-kicking machine, which is exactly how Brock Lesnar should be.  I'm excited to see what happens when he takes on a professional hamburger thief in the next round.

Semi-finals:
John Cena vs. Scott Hall- A lot of the guys who I have seen run their own pretend wrestling promotions may not have my communication skills, biting sense of humor, or dashing good looks- but they all certainly have one thing I do not: The ability to record matches from their video game systems.  So I apologize if I do a crappy job of describing matches, especially when the technology exists for you to see them for yourselves.

I bring this up because there was a part of this match where Cena was glitching over a prone Hall and I assumed he was freestyling some dopey rap and be all, like, taunty- and you weren't there to see it with me!  In hindsight, it wasn't all that great.  So you probably didn't miss much.  However you did miss Hall coming back from having his Attitude Adjusted and then gaining the upper hand, subduing Cena, and advancing to the WCW Hardcore Championship.

But man, at this point in the tournament Hall's gear is really bothering me.  I know that like 'vandalism' and 'counter culture' were the whole NWO schtick, and they would, like, graffiti everyone and everything, but seriously- Scott, your ring gear looks like it has huge gobs of dripping white slime on it.  You are a professional wrestler, Scott.  It's time you started dressing like one. 

Said the man with the inflatable circuit board suit

Brock Lesnar vs Hamburglar- The Brock Lesnar Swath Cutting Tour continues, despite having the game on Normal settings. I'll bet Brock has eaten hamburgers that have given him more trouble than the Hamburglar did.

FINALS:
Scott Hall vs Brock Lesnar- Another short match ending in decimation, which, when you think about it, is perfect because Brock Lesnar is the perfect man to carry the WCW Hardcore championship.  Because he is so Hardcore.

Congratulations to Brock Lesnar for winning the WCW Hardcore Championship and thank you for reading!  Tune in next time as Brock will try to take out....himself?

PICS:
Scott Hall- http://www.oxmonline.com/files/imagecache/futureus_imagegallery_fullsize/gallery/razor_ramon_nwo.jpg
Legolas- http://images5.fanpop.com/image/photos/25500000/Legolas-legolas-greenleaf-25589661-1000-802.jpg
Buddy- http://blog.dormify.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/elf1.jpeg
Neville- http://4crwrestling.files.wordpress.com/2014/01/71451_613072105409024_2129089312_n.jpg
Waluigi- http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/archive/4/46/20130913123103!Waluigi.png
Hayes- http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lkzqceLw3H1qj53aco1_400.jpg
Max Moon- http://media.kayfabenews.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/MAX_MOON.jpg
Lesnar- http://dailywrestlingnews.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/Intense-Lesnar.gif

Brush your teeth and lyrical content- an objective commentary

Currently I have a job where I listen to children's music.  Lots of children's music.  Nay, TONS of children's music.  Anyone else would go insane from listening to all the major chords, 4/4 time signatures, and repetitive lyrics that I have get to.  That's a shame though, because actually the experience has turned me into one of the coolest kids on the playground and allowed my mind to visit a beautiful world that it hasn't been to since...well, okay, it's pretty much there all the time.

That said, having spent over five months as a virtual man-child, it has become increasingly apparent to me that adults who write children's songs think children are either 1) stupid or 2) not paying attention.

I understand that kids don't have a wealth of world experiences and aren't cognitively up to snuff when it comes to processing life as we know it.   Naturally then, adults compensate for these shortcomings by creating songs and shows that are so far outside of the realm of human experience that it's a wonder our kids don't grow up flinging poop and swinging from trees.  Seriously, the disconnect between reality and children's entertainment is so severe that it's a miracle more McDonalds transactions don't end up like this one:

To demonstrate this I'm going to analyze one song in particular- a little diddy called "Brush your teeth".  This song was (probably) made famous by Raffi, and I really hate to rag on the dude who is basically the Beatles of children's music- but these lyrics are so recklessly irresponsible that I feel it is my civic duty to draw the line between innocent teeth brushing- and unsupervised late night shenanigans.

Pictured: What happens when unsupervised late night shenanigans meet second-rate cosmetologists

For your convenience, the lyrics are in italics.  You're welcome.

When you wake up in the morning at a quarter to one
And you want to have a little fun,
You brush your teeth ch ch ch ch, ch ch ch ch...

First off, I have to be honest- I have an extremely soft spot for that little "ch ch ch" bit- but in no way does that make it okay for a little kid to be waking up at 12:45 for any reason- even if it's to brush their teeth.  Besides, you had all day to have fun, and when I tried to get you to brush your teeth after breakfast, you got all defiant and yelled at me and then when I told you that you had earned a time-out you hit me- so if you try to tell me you want to brush your teeth now, then basically I am going to ground you until your baby teeth fall out.

When you wake up in the morning at a quarter to two
And you want to find something to do,
You brush your teeth ch ch ch ch, ch ch ch ch...

I have a great idea of something you can do- GET YOUR BUTT BACK TO BED.  Seriously, 1:45 a.m. is not the time to try and cure boredom.  Hit the hay, get a good night's rest, and we'll brush those teeth tomorrow when daddy is not stumbling around in the dark and OWWWWW!!!  WHO LEFT THE FREAKING LEGOS OUT??????

When you wake up in the morning at a quarter to three
And your mind starts humming a tweedle dee dee,
You brush your teeth ch ch ch ch, ch ch ch ch...

Take it from my old pal Ted Mosby- nothing good happens after 2:30.  At this point, you should be well in the throes of a good nights sleep.  Certainly if you happen to wake up around this time, the last thing you should be doing is making ANY noise WHATSOEVER, let alone humming 'a tweedle dee dee'...because I'm a light sleeper who has a penchant for getting songs stuck in his head and a cranky disposition when sleep deprived.

YOU WON'T LIKE ME WHEN I'M...YAAAWWWWNNN...

When you wake up in the morning at a quarter to four
And you think you hear a knock at the door,
You brush your teeth ch ch ch ch, ch ch ch ch...

Okay kids, here's a little lesson in self-preservation.  If it's 3:45 a.m. and you hear a knock on the door, DO NOT saunter to the bathroom to preform oral hygiene.  Instead, it'd be much, much better to sit up quietly...listen for the knock again, and quickly (and quietly) make way for your parents room.  If you have a phone handy, you should prepare to dial 911.  There are certain types of people that tend to knock on doors at this ungodly hour, and they aren't dentists.

All of the above advice can be ignored if you happen to have a firearm handy...in which case you should just answer the door because it's probably child protective services coming to get you the heck out of there.

When you wake up in the morning at a quarter to five
And you just can't wait to come alive,
You brush your teeth ch ch ch ch, ch ch ch ch...

Fine.  You win.  Just go brush your teeth.

Pics: House party- http://www.thegmanifesto.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/09/house-party.jpg
Hulk- http://static.guim.co.uk/sys-images/Film/Pix/pictures/2008/05/13/hulk.jpg

Comic sans and the art of trying to manipulate heart strings (but with all sorts of backfiring)

The other day I was checking my e-mail, when I found THIS in my inbox.  And when I say THIS, I want you to get swept up in the moment, like I was about to unveil some get-rich quick scheme or great deal on Amazon.com, or something much, much more awesome than what I am actually going to share with you.

Because what I am going to share with you is a forward that tells a possibly pretend simple story and tries to light a fire inside of you to make you want to solve all of the world's problems without actually giving you the tools to solve anything.  Here it is:  

My brother is 18 years old. He has an IQ of 30-40 and has been in school for 12 years. My brother has always attended an elementary school. He has had a number of years of individualized instruction and has learned to do a lot of things!

My brother can now do lots of things he couldn't do before!

He can put 100 pegs in a board in less than 10 minutes while in his seat with 95% accuracy.
BUT, he can't put quarters in vending machines.

Upon command, he can touch his nose, shoulder, leg, foot, hair and ear. He's still working on wrist, ankle and hips.
BUT, he can't blow his nose when needed.

He can now do a 12 piece Big Bird puzzle with 100% accuracy and color the Easter Bunny while staying in the lines.
BUT, he prefers music. However, he was never taught how to use a radio or record player.

He can now fold primary paper in halves and even quarters.
BUT, he can't fold his clothes.

He can sort blocks by color; up to 10 different colors!
BUT, he can't sort clothes; whites from colors for washing.

He can roll Play-Doh and make wonderful clay snakes.
BUT, he can't roll bread dough and cut out biscuits.

He can string beads in alternating colors and match it to a pattern on a DLM card.
BUT, he can't lace his shoes.

He can sing his ABCs and tell me names of all the letters of the alphabet when presented on a card in upper case with 80% accuracy.
BUT, he can't tell the men's room from the ladies room when we go to McDonald's.

He can be told it's cloudy/rainy and take a black felt cloud and put it on the day of the week on an enlarged calendar(with assistance).
BUT, he still goes out in the rain without a raincoat.

He can point to 100 different Peabody Picture Cards with 100% accuracy.
BUT, he can't order a hamburger by pointing to a picture or gesturing.

He can walk a balance beam, side ways and backwards.
BUT, he can't walk up the steps or bleachers unassisted in the gym to go to a basketball game.

He can count to 100 by rote memory.
BUT, he doesn't know how many dollars to pay the cashier for a $2.59 McDonald's coupon special.

He can put the cube in the box, under the box, beside the box and behind the box.
BUT, he can't find the trash bin in McDonald's and empty his trash in it.

He can sit in a circle with appropriate behavior and sing songs and play "Duck, Duck, Goose"
But, nobody else his age in his neighborhood seems to want to do that.

I GUESS HE'S JUST NOT READY YET!

Awww, that's so cute and cuddly and it just makes me want to GET OUT MY FREAKING TORCH AND PITCHFORK AND FREAKING THE FREAKING....oh, sorry.  Sometimes I get carried away with myself when I read stories like that.  Stories that are, you know, BS.

Any time I get an e-forward dealing with some vague story in the cheesy forward font (that I have so painstakingly preserved for you...but seriously, what is up with that font?), with the CAPS and the colors- I tend to just delete it or ignore it.  But something about this one rubbed me the wrong way.  And so I'm devoting a whole flipping blog to it. 

First of all, I should acknowledge that there is some good stuff here.  The premise is solid, and not just for special education.  I do believe that education should be more pragmatic in many regards.  There's all these 'academic pursuits' that on the surface don't really have any real-life application at all.  Why should kids have to learn their times tables, and memorize state capitals, and how to do all that other crap we had to do in school that I honestly don't remember?  So they can all grow up and get the good factory jobs that we're now outsourcing?

As a parent, I have to say that I'm...well, I'm in 'wait-and-see' mode when it comes to public education.  I'm not super cynical, but I am also afraid that my kids will end up missing out on something awesome.  Both my kids are smart.  And they love to learn, so I'm not worried about them failing in the system.  My fear is that they won't develop the ability to think critically until they're in college (which is what happened to yours truly) because the system is set up to produce a bunch of times-table knowing, state-capital spouting drones.  And yes, that's pretty much truth I just spit.

Word

Back to our story.  The problem I have with this forward (and others of similar ilk) is the whole 'Bumper Sticker Philosophy' behind it.  These forwards, as I alluded to earlier, try to use some vague and mysterious and shameful anecdote to spur people on to action without really taking a meaningful look at the issue that they're trying to solve.  So you end up with a bunch of frothing mad villagers with fire and sharp objects that are just standing around looking confused while whatever pet cause you were trying to promote is still in the same place of non-solvedness that it was before.

That's where I come in.  I'm like the Michael Clayton of e-mail forwards.  Let's look at a few things that bother me about this particular forward.

1) We don't know anything about the socio-economics of this situation. Are we talking a rural or urban area?  Is there lots of money- or is it dirt poor?  What about the family?  Are they scraping by, trying to do the best they can with the hand they were dealt, or do they have a lot of resources at their disposal?  These are not trivial questions, either- they determine the gap between where the child is and where they want him to be.  Lots of money=travesty, No money=lower your expectations.

But our author wants us to completely look the other way and just blame the Evil Education System for this kid walking into the ladies room at McDonalds and dumping his trash on the floor at McDonalds and holding up the other customers in line at McDonalds and...wait a minute...I just figured out what the problem is.

STOP GOING TO MCDONALDS.


Won't somebody please think of the chickens?

Seriously though, it's easy to blame the education system without knowing what exactly the education system is able to provide.  Do they have enough aide support?  Do they have access to auxiliary services, such as speech and OT/PT?  Do they even have the appropriate placement?  I bet that not every district has a 'middle-school'-type program, and in some areas they might not even have a high school program.   

Unfortunately there are districts that can't afford to provide the services that would help this kid to be successful.  They can't afford to pay another teacher or two more aides or a speech pathologist and they don't have extra space for such a program, let alone the space they would need for the population they would be providing services for.  Thus, you end up with an elementary schooler who is 18 years old.  So while it's easy to blame the school for being incompetent (without the pertinent information) maybe, mystery person, your brother is an 18 year old in an elementary school BECAUSE THERE IS LITERALLY NO PLACE ELSE FOR HIM TO GO.

2) It sounds like the problem isn't so much that this kid wasn't taught anything- he just wasn't taught specific skills that you're looking for, or at least he wasn't taught how to generalize the skills he did learn.  On that point, I will concede that part of that blame could fall on the school.  Many of the areas he seems to be experience deficits in are ones that could be worked on in a classroom setting.  It shouldn't be too hard to find time to fold clothes or put coins in a vending machine or even operate a CD player.  Those skills could be taught in class, so checkmate.  You win.

NOT.

A couple things could get overlooked here.  First off, we know a little bit of his academic level, but we don't know how long it took to reach the point where he is at.  We don't know how many hundreds of hours were spent trying to get this kid to be able to just put the cube inside the box.  The forward makes it sound like these people were just twiddling their thumbs every day for twelve years while little 'Bro was stringing beads and doing Big Bird puzzles like some poor lost ship without a rudder.  Even though I have only worked in special education for four months, I can assure you that is not (usually) the case.  To get to those levels from the initial baseline is a long, slow, painstaking and arduous process.  Sure, it's easy to look at that list and think 'Why the heck would they work on that?  That's pointless', without realizing that it can take years of determined effort to achieve those specific skills.  Skills which, when generalized, have very broad applicability in the lives of our young protagonist.

It's too bad that the school failed to help him broaden the scope of his efforts.  If only there was someone who was with this child even more than the school- someone who could work with them during the summer...and on weekends!  Someone who knew how this child functioned outside of the walls of the school and knew which things they needed to work on and could communicate that to the school and maybe...just maybe...work on those things after school hours! 

Too bad nothing like that exists.  Oh wait, it does.  It's called FAMILY.

3) Before I get run away with here, I should say that I can't even imagine how difficult it must be to raise a child with severe special needs.  I have been fortunate enough to have been blessed with two healthy children who are certainly a chip off the old block in the smarts department (desmartment?), so I really have no idea how difficult it can be.  At most, I get about a seven hour glimpse five days a week, and sometimes that is more than I can take.  So I don't mean to be too smarmy and condescending.  You..do know what condescending means, right?

That said, what probably pisses me off the most about this forward is the latent idea behind all of those red lines- that the shortcomings, the 'failures' are the fault of the poorly run, insufficiently planned, educational process that this poor child was subjected to his entire life while the poor family stood helplessly by, unable to stop the juggernaut that was too busy carrying their child towards another payday to get wrapped up in actually helping him. 

Wait a minute...just what was the family doing for those twelve years?

I'm not going to entertain the possibility that this family (unlike some) is uncaring and non-involved in the education process.  After all, a mere sibling is able to spout off achievements with nearly 100% recollection- that's impressive.  And they're taking him out into the community-  to McDonalds, to basketball games, out in the rain- so kudos to them.  It seems that they're putting forth some effort to make this work.

And we won't talk about how a number of parents (and this goes for the general populous, too) are willing to sit back and let the education system foot the education-of-our-children bill while they stand by pointing fingers.  We won't lump these parents in with those that just send their kid to school, hope that they learn something, and then plop them in front of the computer/TV/X-box all night so the house can finally have some peace and quiet.  Freaking kids.

No, instead we're going to take this route- did they ever voice these concerns in a staffing or IEP meeting?  Did they ever go, 'You know, George is simply lights out on that DLM card...but, he can't exactly tie his shoes.  We should talk to his teacher and treatment team and see if we can have George start working on that'?  Maybe they did, but that doesn't seem to be the case- otherwise our finger-pointer surely would have brought it up. 

We constantly brought up these issues.  Every IEP meeting, every staffing, we even started to document the phone calls we made to the teacher and school administrators, as well as comments made in passing to the aides.  All we wanted was for them to actually start working with my brother on skills that would help him in real life.
BUT, nope-they just kept working on that stupid s***.

Not that an IEP is a miracle cure. It's not like sitting down and having some dialogue is going to automatically make things all better.  It is, however, a communicative process where the family can ask about progress, and express things that they'd like to see accomplished, after which the team of educators come up with some sort of curriculum/plan to help the student to achieve those objectives. 


If the family isn't happy with the level of services, they bring that to the attention of the team at the next meeting, the IEP gets tweaked, and they try, try again.  Maybe tangible progress is made, maybe not- but at least everybody moves forward having had an open exchange and knowing that everyone was trying to get to the same point.

Instead, some sibling who is probably jealous due to lack of attention decided to type up a cutesy little forward and sent it around to special education departments everywhere, in the hopes that the soft-hearted special education department people would be galvanized into action.  Nothing like putting some grease on the squeeky wheel while the car is about to drive off a cliff, right?

I leave with this- the intentions behind this forward, honorable as they might have been, are dangerously misleading.  There are many hands in the cookie jar of education, and to think that all of those hands are not equally guilty of stealing the cookies is naive at best, damning at worst.  Sure, the educational system is not nearly what it could be, but as long as the anonymous are willing to sit behind their computer screens and fire off passive-aggressive anecdotes and call for teachers' jobs instead of being willing to accept responsibility and look at the whole system (families included), then we're going to keep churning out generations of children that are JUST NOT READY YET!
.

Pictures:

Gangsta- http://www.byroncrawford.com/images/nygun.jpg

PETA- http://www.peta.org/cfs-filesystemfile.ashx/__key/CommunityServer-Components-SiteFiles/Peta-Images-Main-Sections-Blog-PETA+Files/scaldingtank.JPG

Wonka- http://knowyourmeme.com/photos/233260-condescending-wonka

Dates (No, this is not an April Fools post. But I think it would be funny if you pretended it was)

I've been chewing on the concept of dating in our society since...well, this morning. And as is my custom, rather than go back into the archives of things that I've wanted to write about in the past, I shall write about something that tickles my fancy at this moment in particular.

We were talking (me and the boys) about an article in our local college newspaper about the increase in cohabitation in the male-female relationship dyad. This led to a discussion (albeit brief, since I had to make it home in time to deliver a fresh, steaming Egg McMuffin to my wife) about the dating phenomenon in our society. And so here I'm going to expound on some of my thoughts a little bit.

Dating- at least from my experience and the romanticized images given to us by our popular culture- is a highly superficial exercise. Style over substance, as it were. We try to put our best foot forward at all times- dressing up in fancy clothes, trying to smell good (which isn't necessarily easy, BTWs), flirting, laughing, staying at a shallow level, keeping our "dirty little secrets" in the closet. We don't even pass gas. Think about that- we are so interested in impressing this other person that we will subject ourselves to willful stomach cramps in order to keep from engaging in what is arguably one of the most pleasant experiences known to man.

Many years ago, the facade of dating wasn't as big of an issue. Gender roles were more clearly defined. Divorce was less socially accepted. Fellas just had to be civilized long enough to get the girl, when they could morph into Man Mode. You know Man Mode, right? Where you come home from work, sit around in a white t-shirt and boxers, drink beer while watching football and having the wives make dinner and stay in the kitchen (while they weren't tending to the children). Rinse and repeat for the next 30-40 years, and you have 1950's marriage. Ah....Man Mode.

But we're not there anymore- the rules have changed. Gender roles are not so clearly defined. Man's stronghold in the domestic realm is not as cemented as it was then. Beer is gross. Football might not even be played. Families order takeout and buy microwavable meals. And the relational restlessness that was previously suppressed by the weight of societal expectation has been set free upon our divorce courts.

That's the main problem with dating in our society. It creates an unrealistic set of expectations that pretty much doom a marriage to spending the first couples years adjusting to the shock and awe that 'Oh my goodness- this dude is not the same guy I dated'- if the marriage makes it that long.

I'm not the first to point it out- and even as long ago as the early 2000s, when I begrudgingly read I Kissed Dating Goodbye (which I still feel was a scam because the author came out with another book a year or so later and was married. Yeah, obviously you kissed dating goodbye- because you were already hooked up!), it was an issue that I was aware of. But I have different lenses now, that I see this issue through. Mainly that means that I can throw around bigger words and have anecdotes to back up my outrageous and generalized claims. Think of them as Life Bi-focals.

The dating game is guided heavily by positive feelings that are stirred up by two persons who are making concentrated efforts to be attractive. Biologically, we see this play out in many species. Mating rituals, brightly colored plumage, special songs and dances- animals have been "dating" since before the dawn of man. For them, it's simple- they need to mate in order to sure their species survives (although I'm sure their base instincts don't really put that much thought into it- they just know they need someone to do it with). For humans- it's a little more complicated. Our relationships are not so much about ensuring the survival of our species. They are more about finding a companion to grow old with- someone to help us remember where we put the keys or, I don't know, our phones.

Six years ago- I was naive about marriage. I knew that I 'loved' Sara (with my limited understanding of love). She made me laugh, and I really enjoyed being with her. But I didn't really understand all the ramifications of marriage. I didn't know that the "feelings" wouldn't carry on indefinitely. That her faults would come out. That my own flaws would rear their ugly head. That I had actually an active role to play in the development of our relationship. And that the baggage we carried in from our own perceptions of marriage based on the observations of our parents would serve as the template upon which we would set our marital foundation.

Romans 8:28- And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Looking back, I see the grace of God to get us through those early years. We had been blindsided. Hoodwinked. Baited and switched. Very quickly, we realized that our feelings just weren't going to cut it. We had to find out the hard way what marriage is really about.

With the devaluing of marriage in our culture (really, it's just like Dating 2.0), relationships built on the feelings that the superficial dating structure reinforces are doomed to fail. And because of the blurred line between love and "love", those failures have very real consequences in the lives of those involved.

Because inevitably, we will come in contact with someone else who stirs up the "magic", and makes our hearts flutter. They take us back to those innocent days when we could sustain a relationship merely on our flirtations and flowers. And if this is our understanding of what makes a relationship go, we move on, because we're just not feeling it anymore, but there is somebody else that (we feel) can give us what we think we need.

I don't want to speak for everyone. There are sometimes when a relationship needs to end. Sometimes, divorce is the best option. For me though, the idea of divorce in the hard times would have been much easier than the painful look in the mirror that made me realize that the issues that I have were not going to automatically change in a future endeavor. I could fall in Dating Love with someone else, get remarried- and I would be basically living a Sequel. Same jokes, most of the same actors- really it's just the same movie but with new shiny packaging, but inevitably doomed to fail because they don't try to get back to what made the first movie successful- the originality. And my wife is 100% Original Grade-A-wesome.

As my friend retweeted in real life this morning, 'If the grass is greener on the other side, then it's time to water your lawn'. I'll let you take that quote and make it your own. As long as you cite me citing my friend who was citing someone else.

Desparately seeking normalcy?

What does it mean to be 'normal'? We live in a society that places the calling on us to transcend the common. To be average is to fail. We have to excel and stand out in order to be noticed. So in doing this, we by default have to rise above others, right?

But is there anything wrong with being 'normal' or 'average'? I mean, we can't all stand out. We can't all go against the flow. Society as we understand it needs certain things in place in order to operate efficiently. We might laugh at the person that works at McDonalds- but if not them, then who? It'd either be someone else, or else it would cease to exist. And the Lord knows I can't live without Chicken McNuggets.

I think about this periodically when watching shows where they talk about genetically creating "perfect" humanity using the DNA of the "elite". Now, obviously these shows are slightly far-fetched and would never happen, but it's not as sexy of an idea as it might appear to be. Because all you're doing is upgrading to a higher class of normal.

See, we rely on roles in order to help us to define ourselves. In that end, we actually need criminals. We need deviants. The kids that sit in the back of the class and shoot spit-balls? Gotta have them. Because it is their actions that help us learn what is not okay to do. Also, we can live vicariously through their actions- because we all have that mischievous side that desires to act out, to do that which we know is wrong- but can't act on it, because we are good kids (Yeah, right that has to be it).

Likewise, we need the high achievers as well. There needs to be people that we aspire to be, lest we become complacent. All men may be created equal- but it cannot stay that way.

Why am I blathering on about this? Well, aside from wanting to blog about something that is not related to fantasy football, I've been struggling with this set of expectations that I have for myself, and the expectations that my achievements have placed on me.

As a recent college graduate who was very successful in school, sometimes I wrestle with the fact that I'm currently a stay-at-home dad who works part time doing an after-school program and cleaning class rooms. That doesn't mean that I don't really like what I do- far from it, actually. It's just that...there is this pressure to obtain certain objectives, pressure that doesn't come from anyone with a name or face (which makes it tougher).

In this regard, our church has actually been very helpful in re-framing the idea of greatness. See, in my mind (and the minds of many others, I'd wager), we equate greatness with the level of platform. That is, to be great, your actions must be known far and wide, under the bright lights performed for huge crowds. And that is definitely a form of greatness.

But there is another, more "mundane" form of greatness that transpires in our every day lives. It's the greatness that no one else sees. It's the greatness of preparation. Bill Simmons wrote a piece about the rivalry between Tom Brady and Peyton Manning, and the one thing that stands out about both quarterbacks is not their talent or their accolades- it's their willingness to be great in the little things- watching film, lifting weights, working everyday to make themselves better (even though, by our standards they have already achieved greatness). It's not so much that greatness is a destination- it's a journey.

So what does it all mean? It means that for right now- I'm okay with being normal. I don't have to stand out. There are things I can do here and now to contribute to society and my family that will be looked back upon as stepping stones into a much bigger picture. I'm reminded of a Rob Thomas song (strangely enough) from the movie Meet the Robinsons:

Our lives are made in these small hours These little wonders, these twists & turns of fate Time falls away, but these small hours, these small hours still remain

May we all learn to find our greatness in the small hours of life.