WCW Hardcore Championship Tournament

Before I begin my Championship Tournament Tour, I have a confession, and since part of my gimmick is going to be treading on history and lore of Wrestling Past...I feel like you should just know that wrestling wasn't this huge, huge part of my formative years.  Obviously it was a part of it- I have some strong attachments to the late 80s/early 90s roster of grapplers and in truth I have earlier memories of wrestling than I do hockey or basketball.  But as I watch the 'Behind the Scenes' shows on the WWE Network (seriously, if you like wrestling even a little bit, you should get it because it's fantastic) and see all these people with very vivid memories of certain events...I realize that I don't have a lot of significant/specific wrestling moments.  I don't know if we ever purchased a Pay-per-View.  I didn't watch wrestling every week, and I certainly wasn't a Tape Trader.  I'm a casual fan at best.

So apologies in advance if in my quest to share my fantasy booking diary with the world I accidentally crap on a favorite wrestling memory.  If, for example, you have fond memories of that one guy in the Nasty Boys winning the WCW Hardcore Title....then this blog may or may not crap all over that memory.  Because I have no attachment to it (and many of the championship belts in all honesty), I will be treating it like the prop that it really probably was.  The same will probably go for wrestlers.  And I hope that we can all be okay with that.

With that said, the WCW Hardcore Championship Tournament, folks!

Qualifier:
The 16 competitors for this tournament were decided by a series of 10-man Royal Rumbles.  And yes, they were all awesome.

1st Round:

David Otunga vs Hollywood Hogan- Okay, I have to admit that the whole reason I set up this match as a 1st Round showdown was to set up a potentially exciting bracket where John Cena would have to work through members of the NWO in order to advance to the championship match.  This didn't happen for a couple of reasons.

1) I screwed up when setting up the bracket and made it so it would only be possible for Cena to face off against one of the NWO superstars en route to the title.  Proving once again, that I am a moron.
2) David Otunga demolished Hollywood Hogan.

Needless to say, I was shocked.  Maybe not as shocked as I was when the Undertaker was defeated at Real Wrestlemania 30, but shocked nonetheless.  After the match, Jerry "The King" Lawler said it was 'the biggest victory of his life', and while Otunga graduated from Harvard Law and married Jennifer Hudson in reality, it's not a stretch to say that defeating Hollywood Hogan on my video game has to at least be in the top three of Otunga life moments.

Scott Hall (NWO) vs Darren Young- An old-fashioned squash match.  The only thing I can really say about this match is what's up with Hall's ring gear?

Answer: I don't know

Adrian Neville vs George RR Martin- First off, let me just say that 'RR' is right up there with 'W' and 'The' in the pantheon of middle names.  I feel like giving your child one of those middle names automatically gives them 1,000,000 Future Success XPs.    

This was the ultimate case of Fantasy-fantasy booking.  You have George RR Martin, preeminent fantasy writing mind of our time and the author of the highly-acclaimed Song of Fire and Ice series, in one corner.  In the other corner, you have an elf:

What?

 No, not that guy.  Hang on here...

Uh nope

Pictured: An elf.

For most of the match there was a nice little back and forth and I totally thought Neville had this match in the bag at one point, but Martin finally was able to hit the Red Wedding (his finisher), score the victory, and end yet another wildly beloved character.  

Waluigi vs John Cena- A surprisingly competitive match, Cena actually had to leave the ring at one point to escape the onslaught of Waluigi. 

A guy who can't even beat meat.

After Cena left the ring, he remembered how to win.  So he threw Waluigi up in the air and delivered the Attitude Adjustment for the win. The end.

Big Show (Retro) vs Kane  - In my WCW Hardcore Championship Tournament Preview (which took place in my brain), I deftly noted that neither of these two guys would have a chance at the title because they would end up beating the kayfabe out of each other.  That's exactly what happened, and it was kind of glorious.  Easily the best match of the first round, with near-falls and giant slams everywhere.  Big Show ended up winning the match and (probably) our hearts. 

Hamburglar vs Dusty Rhodes- What we had here was a match between a guy whose sole joy in life is stealing every hamburger he lays his eyes on...and the Hamburglar.  This was a dramatic and competitive affair.  Hamburglar got the early offensive with a series of punches and kicks, attacking Rhodes like he was a giant hamburger-filled pinata.  Rhodes stood strong and gave a last stand that, while it wasn't quite Helms Deep, was valiant and will probably be immortalized in song at some point most likely a McDonalds jingle. In the end, Hamburglar dug into his pants for brass knuckles (a finisher which I have affectionately dubbed The Big SMac), slugged Dusty right in his blade-scarred face, and rolled him up for the 3 count.

Jeff Hardy vs Michael PS Hayes- In an unexpected squash of a match, Hayes proved he's not just a pretty face and beat the ever-loving crap out of Jeff Hardy.  Although really, Hayes isn't even that pretty of a face.         

Pictured: 1970s sex symbol

Brock Lesnar (Retro) vs Konnor O'Brian- The Ascension (Knowledge drop: Konnor O'Brian is in the Ascension) are a dominant tag team force in NXT who have taken any and all comers (including Too Cool!).  And Brock Lesnar destroyed Konnor so quickly that I didn't even have time to think of a clever analogy of how quickly he destroyed him.

2nd Round:
Scott Hall vs David Otunga- Hall continued his rampage through the tournament by quickly disposing of an overmatched Otunga and avenging the loss of his friend and mentor, Hollywood Hogan.  NWO 4 life, friends.  4 life.     

George RR Martin vs John Cena- Martin got the jump early and scored a near fall by the ropes, but Cena had one of his patented comebacks in the pocket of his jorts and proceeded to dispatch the portly fantasy author and advance to the semi-finals JUST AS I HAD FORSEEN IN THE PROPHECY. 

Hamburglar vs Big Show- Any question about how Hamburglar would respond to his slight upset in the 1st Round (and yes, there were certainly questions) were answered when Hamburglar hit the Show with not one...not two...but THREE Big SMacs.  Oh, and he also did a flying elbow on top of a prone Big Show while he was laying on the announce table.  Big Show kicked out twice, but in the end, the cumulative effects of his slobberknocker with Kane combined with all the abuse from the Hamburglar were too much to overcome.

Michael PS Hayes vs Brock Lesnar (Retro)- Brock whipped it into high gear quickly and left a Confederate flag-colored streak where Hayes used to be, forcing Hayes to tap out via Brock Lock (Really?  That's the name of the finishing move- the Brock Lock?).  I have to admit, I am in love with Lesnar in this tournament.  He has been this unstoppable, bad-ass ass-kicking machine, which is exactly how Brock Lesnar should be.  I'm excited to see what happens when he takes on a professional hamburger thief in the next round.

Semi-finals:
John Cena vs. Scott Hall- A lot of the guys who I have seen run their own pretend wrestling promotions may not have my communication skills, biting sense of humor, or dashing good looks- but they all certainly have one thing I do not: The ability to record matches from their video game systems.  So I apologize if I do a crappy job of describing matches, especially when the technology exists for you to see them for yourselves.

I bring this up because there was a part of this match where Cena was glitching over a prone Hall and I assumed he was freestyling some dopey rap and be all, like, taunty- and you weren't there to see it with me!  In hindsight, it wasn't all that great.  So you probably didn't miss much.  However you did miss Hall coming back from having his Attitude Adjusted and then gaining the upper hand, subduing Cena, and advancing to the WCW Hardcore Championship.

But man, at this point in the tournament Hall's gear is really bothering me.  I know that like 'vandalism' and 'counter culture' were the whole NWO schtick, and they would, like, graffiti everyone and everything, but seriously- Scott, your ring gear looks like it has huge gobs of dripping white slime on it.  You are a professional wrestler, Scott.  It's time you started dressing like one. 

Said the man with the inflatable circuit board suit

Brock Lesnar vs Hamburglar- The Brock Lesnar Swath Cutting Tour continues, despite having the game on Normal settings. I'll bet Brock has eaten hamburgers that have given him more trouble than the Hamburglar did.

FINALS:
Scott Hall vs Brock Lesnar- Another short match ending in decimation, which, when you think about it, is perfect because Brock Lesnar is the perfect man to carry the WCW Hardcore championship.  Because he is so Hardcore.

Congratulations to Brock Lesnar for winning the WCW Hardcore Championship and thank you for reading!  Tune in next time as Brock will try to take out....himself?

PICS:
Scott Hall- http://www.oxmonline.com/files/imagecache/futureus_imagegallery_fullsize/gallery/razor_ramon_nwo.jpg
Legolas- http://images5.fanpop.com/image/photos/25500000/Legolas-legolas-greenleaf-25589661-1000-802.jpg
Buddy- http://blog.dormify.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/elf1.jpeg
Neville- http://4crwrestling.files.wordpress.com/2014/01/71451_613072105409024_2129089312_n.jpg
Waluigi- http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/archive/4/46/20130913123103!Waluigi.png
Hayes- http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lkzqceLw3H1qj53aco1_400.jpg
Max Moon- http://media.kayfabenews.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/MAX_MOON.jpg
Lesnar- http://dailywrestlingnews.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/Intense-Lesnar.gif

Wrestling and my new universe (newniverse?)

So after my last post blew up the Internet, shut down Twitter, and almost won me the Nobel Peace Prize, it seemed imperative that I follow up with a more in-depth description of what the eff I was talking about.  And by 'blew up the internet', I mean 8 page views.  My blog is the literary equivalent of a selfie. 

Not that there's anything wrong with selfies

If you recall, sometime last year I came up with this ridiculously awesome idea to run my very own fake wrestling league/universe.  The idea was practically flawless and even though it's been done before, there was just no way that my iteration wasn't going to take the world by storm.  Aside from the fact that, you know, I would be heavily, HEAVILY involved in it.

Obviously it did not happen and I quickly realized that my initial idea wasn't realistic, especially given some of the (admittedly very cool) extra-curricular stuff that was going on at that time.  Still, I knew that I had to give the people what they want.

It was around March Madness time where I stumbled on the brilliant idea that I am totally shilling to you right now- wrestling tournaments.  It's wrestling AND it's tournaments.  How can it fail?  Plus, as ludicrous as creating and managing a video-game driven fake universe revolving around not-real people engaging in a sport with pre-determined outcomes may be, it's at least a little respectable because hey, tournaments. 

With the sheer volume some would say plethora of championships in the game, I will not be at a loss for new and fresh material.  Indeed, I'm just going to have a bunch of tournaments until they're all gone.  It will be easier to manage a series of tournaments for the purposes of blogging because they're basically short term self-contained entities as opposed to the never-ending "season" that wrestling essentially is.  Think of it like eating a regular gobstopper instead of an everlasting gobstopper.

Don't worry, wrestling fans- I'll still try to include storylines and (hopefully) cutscenes.  I also plan to tie my universe together with continuity, random facts about my (real and pretend) subjects, and I'll probably even solve the mystery of life while I'm at it.

I'm past rambling but if you would suffer me a couple of final thoughts:

1) The past couple of WWE video games have had "Retro" versions of some wrestlers, such as Brock Lesnar before and after he tattooed a giant phallus on his chest.  I will not be choosing between the two for competitive purposes, and in fact will encourage doppelgangers to throw down.  If Thuganomics John Cena faces Fruity Pebbles John Cena for the WWE Championship (Miz edition) then the good guys have won.

2) The previous champion receives an automatic bid to the next tournament.

3) For reasons of good form, I will not be playing any of the matches.  I am also going to be a slave to the automated result.  It's not always going to be optimal, and sometimes you end up with crap like Darren Young defeating Andre the Giant, Abraham Lincoln, AND Stone Cold in the qualifying Royal Rumble to advance to the round of 16 in my first championship tournament (results of which are coming soon!).  But life is not usually by the script and, like they say, when life hands you lemons you make a chicken sh*t sandwich.

4) Damage retention is ON. That means if somehow Bret Hart gets decapitated in victory, he will advance to the next round with no head.  Just like God intended.

5) I'm going to barrel through with this, whether anyone reads it or not.  I will also make an effort to write about real, actual things, so if for whatever reason you frequent my blog in hopes of non-wrestling/non-pretend play tomfoolery, you will be sated at some point.  But try to keep an open mind about wrestling tomfoolery.

Watching my children play make-believe with their toys and talk about their own made-up 'worlds' makes me realize that there is great value in having active imaginations.  I've always loved to pretend.  It's actually one of the few things I'm really, really good at.  Reality can be tough.  We have to live there and work there and pay bills there and if you stay there too long, it can kill your imagination.  When imagination dies, so do dreams.  When dreams die, so does hope.

Basically if you don't read my virtual toy stories, you will lose hope and life will have no meaning.  The end. 

PIC- Selfie- http://stcommunities.straitstimes.com/sites/default/files/imagecache/bxslider_photo/gta1.jpg
Triple H- http://images.mstarz.com/data/images/full/20918/triple-h.jpeg

So I'm back...ish

If a blogger writes a blog that gets about 50 page views on a good day, and then that blogger stops writing for a period of time (and his content was honestly not all that great to begin with), does it make a sound?  And when that blogger decides one day that it's been long enough and it's time to put on his Prodigal and come back, will anyone be there to throw him a party?

Yes, I'm back.  I've missed you.  How are you?  It's been awhile.  Where's my freaking party?

Today for lunch we had the usual buffet of excuses and pseudo-reasons to account for my absence, so I'll spare you those.  But you should just know that it's been particularly difficult to get back in the saddle.  I have been really wrestling with and coming to grips with my own limited scope in terms of the value of my contributions in a Social Media world.  Oh, sorry, spoiler: lots of melodrama coming up.  The internet world has really made it extremely easy for everyone to put themselves out there with some sense that we are the most important people in the world (and the smartest, funniest, always rightest, etc.).  Meanwhile it also exposes us to millions and millions of people that are either:
A) Way, way ADJECTIVER than we are; or
B) Scummy dirtbags that we can't even feel good about being MORE ADJECTIVE than.

It's kind of like we're all the Wizard of Oz, except we get to look on as the curtain is pulled back.

Please, don't misunderstand me- I'm not looking for sympathy or trying to trick you into giving me praise (although please, feel free to give me unsolicited praise at any time).  I'm just an insecure writer in a period of time when insecure writers are appetizers for a-holes.  I feel like I can be funny- but there are many who are funnier.  I feel like I can be smart and insightful- but there are many who are smarter and insightfuler. The truth is I am who Dennis Green thought I was and I will probably always go back and forth between feeling like 'Hey, I'm awesome' and 'Hey, have you seen the nearest hole to crawl in?'.

...why did I click on this blog again?

But of course I'm not going to stop- at least not fully.  I have a creed, a core belief (which doubles as the primary reason why I stick with Social Work other than the awesome pay) that each person on this Earth has some sort of value inherent to their being alive.  Each persons' unique experiences and make-up mean that they are worth something and unique in spite of their sameness.  The lives we lead and the stories we help create make up the congregate of the human experience and make us all an important cog in our own way.

And so that's why I'm going to start writing again about the Wrestling Universe of my creation.

Yes, I just sucked you into reading about faux wrestling exploits by waxing poetic about my existential struggle.  Two words for ya:

Bad idea?

This is basically why I started blogging in the first place (not this, specifically, but...well, you get the idea), this idea, this notion that I don't have anything of value to say other than everything I say because I am the one saying it and I am the only me that there is.  To borrow from noted sage Bret "The Hitman" Hart (and thanks to the #WWE Network, I'm on as much of a wrestling kick as I have ever been on a kick of anything), I'm the Me there was, the Me there is, and the Me there ever will be.

As always, thanks for reading!  Tune in next week as I talk more about stuff nobody cares about!

PICS: DX- http://sp7.fotolog.com/photo/23/8/93/wwe_dx12/1161204950_f.jpg 
Kid- http://poachedmag.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/02/Confused-Kid-722x500.jpg
Surprise!- http://www.totalprosports.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/Undertaker-lose-Lesnar-Wrestlemania-fan-reaction-1.png

YWL: Crisis in Kayfabe

They say that "an apple a day keeps the doctor away"- but apparently if you fraternize one time with Mr. Apple will set into motion a chain of events which leads to the downfall of an entire organization.

Pictured: The face of corporate decept-hey, is that Wildcat Willie??  

Let's just get this out there right now- the YWL is no more.

Seeing as I've seemingly made it my life's work to write about things I want to do and then just going out and not doing them, I'm imagining that there's not a lot of surprise out there in Cyberspacelandia.  However, since wrestling is involved, you can't trust what your eyes are seeing and what your brain is telling you.  Because there is a swerve here of epic proportions, I need you all to sit down because I am about to blow your mind through the bottom of your pants.

Just in case you missed it last time

Our story begins (and ends) with three key ingredients.  There is a CAW of Mr. Apple.  There is a bug in the WWE '13 game itself.  And there is  kayfabe.  Like a good magician, I'm going to give you a step by step explanation of the science behind my illusion so that you know exactly how you got tricked.  Except that is not what good magicians do.  Also, I suppose good writers stay away from mixing metaphors.  But we're well past the point of pretending that I am actually a good writer.

Let's start with Mr. Apple.  To most people, Mr. Apple is Steve Jobs.  But to Marquettians- Mr. Apple is a mysterious dude in a mascot suit who stands on the corner of Washington and Third during the summer to tout the wares of Farmer Q's.  Pretty much the run-of-the-mill mascot- but to the kids (at least mine), it might as well be the Pied Piper handing out Turbo Man dolls.  THIS JUST IN: Kids love dudes in goofy costumes. 

As I've stated a few times, much of my motivation for doing this whole league is to have something fun and crazy to do with the kids.  So when we passed Mr. Apple on the streets that fateful afternoon, I just knew that Mr. Apple was destined to set foot in the squared circle against the likes of The Rock, Stone Cold, and Homestarrunner.  Doggone it though- all of my CAW slots were taken up with those other goofs.

(Clearly there is a second PS3 user name that I'm sloughing off some of the additional "Hey, that guy would be awesome to have in a wrestling game" CAW slots onto- but for the purposes of this post, you don't know that).

What to do?

Well, I decided to usurp my resident Spongebob CAW- for a few reasons.

1) I have different plans for Spongebob.
2) It's freaking Mr. Apple.
3) Somebody else already did the work to create a mascotly shaped puffy body.

Once the decision was made, the creative process didn't take real long.  After a few minutes of adjusting some colors, sizes, and shapes- PRESTO- welcome to the YWL, Mr. Apple.

It is here that I bring up the glitch- or, more ominously, The Glitch.

Apparently, as is standard practice amongst video game companies, WWE 13 was released slightly unfinished and with a few bugs.  You can read about them here.  One of those bugs would completely reset the teams and rosters of the WWE 13 universe mode.  They did release a patch shortly afterwards to fix some of the above glitches, and since I purchased the game several months after the premature release/patch process, I have only known the patch.  Unfortunately, the WWE Universe mode reset glitch was not (at least fully) addressed during the lone patch.  Unfortunatelyer, THQ went bankrupt and dissolved in January and any subsequent follow-up patches went by the wayside.

The end result was chaos.  Altering my Spongebob into Mr. Apple undid all of my tag teams and reset the rosters to their default setting.  While my CAWs were in their updated slots and the rivalries stayed intact for the most part, the rest of it pretty much went back to stock mode.  Which means that a lot of time and effort went out the window and my Universe mode was left in shambles.

Needless to say (but said anyways), I was Frust. Rated.  I don't want to embellish my reaction, but I seriously began to think it would be easy to just let the whole thing crash and burn, chalked up as another failure of the impulsive loud mouth ramblings of the idiot that runs this blog.

It is here that I bring kayfabe into the equation.

To the uninundated, kayfabe is basically the set of "rules" that govern the wrestling universe.  It's the understanding between the wrestler and the fans that basically acknowledges the actions of said wrestler within his wrestling "universe" are "real" for the sake of enhancing the performance.  For we, the fan, our part in kayfabe is to "play along" even though we know the scripted, pre-determined nature of what we are witnessing.

It's what makes wrestling awesome instead of just watching some well-oiled grown ups play make-believe fighting.  It's also what has given second life to my ludicrous meanderings for at least another day.

So please disregard everything I have said about my stupid video game getting reset because I decided to turn Spongebob into an Apple mascot.  That's not what happened.  Actually the YWL folded due to lack of financial solvency.  Poor attendance at televised events, low ratings, and an insufficient buy rate for "Hit Guys With Chairs" led to the untimely demise of the company.  Fortunately for you, the fan sitting at home, it didn't stay demised for long.  It was absorbed into the bigger, financially more powerful (and definitely not going to be messing with the roster-ness) of the YWA- Youshouldknowjasonparks Wrestling Association.

And next week, I'll be absorbing the YWA into you.

Or something.

YWL: Season 1, Week 2

Well, no one has written me hate mail or unfriended me on Facebook.  I'm going to consider week 1's recap a rousing success!  But this is not that.  This is week 2.

WCW:

Kharma vs Random Bella Twin
I almost didn't put 'vs' in the matchup field.  'Vs' implies that there was some sort of competition, a meeting of two (or more) parties where everybody had at least some chance of victory.  That's not what happened here.  At all.  Kharma won this one with ludicrous decisiveness.  Shoot, she could have got more resistance from a blind, crippled child than she did from whatever Bella Twin she engaged with here.

In fairness to proper noun  Bella, I wouldn't have wanted to get in the ring with Kharma.  Even before this match, Kharma was very highly ranked on the list of Women I'm Afraid Of.  It's actually a shorter list than you might suspect.  Here's the top five: 
1) My wife when she gives me "The Look" (think Blue Steel meets all of the Saw movies)
2) Kharma
3) Lady Gaga sans makeup
4) Any woman that could beat me up 
5) This scary lady

AJ Lee and Presumably the Other Bella Twin vs Beth Phoenix and Eve Torres
All of the websites I've visited have said in order to make Universe mode work the best in terms of developing storylines, you have to keep the matches as presented and actually watch them (instead of just simulating).  This process has met with mixed reviews thus far.  I've gotten some freaking gold at times (Sith vs. Avengers, Michael Jackson vs. Tim Tebow); however, I also got stuck with this.

Nothing against female wrestlers- but when I have a card featuring the Justice League vs the Watchmen, Captain America vs Strong Bad, and a Triple Threat match between Skeletor, Red Hulk, and Iron Man...well, an extremely random tag team match in the Divas division is really not the kind of match I want to see.  Actually this is the type of match that no one wants to see.  Even the WNBA would change the channel if this came on.

Fortunately I was able to real-wrestle my son during this time, which made the process (slightly) less painful.

Justice League vs Watchmen
With a booking of the gritty, ultra-dark, anti-heroic Watchmen against the champions of the 1950s comic code, it was not surprising in the least that this match devolved into an epic all-over-the-arena backyard brawl.  Besides, when Rorschach is the moral compass of your team, things are bound to get a little underhanded.  And for one night, at least, the low-blow antics paid off as the Watchmen scored a huge upset against the Justice League, with Dr. Manhattan securing the pin against the Batman.

For a simulated 'quick' match, it was wicked intense.  I 100% endorse a future 'No Disqualification' rematch between these two DC dyads.

Captain America vs Strong Bad
OH MY GOSH- Homestarrunner just came up behind Strong Bad during his entrance, slammed his head onto the metal stairs, and threw him into the ring!  Strong Bad probably just got a concussion!  Holy crap!!!

Alas, it is nowhere near as cool as it could be.  And until I can figure out how to simulate the voice of every single wrestler, this will continue to be the status quo.  Man, I totally wish I could pull off a mock-Strong Bad/Mean Gene 1980s promo to address the cheap shot and Strong Bad, like, challenges Homestar to a flaming watering can match...or something.  Gah!  That's be awesome!!!  

Skeletor vs Red Hulk vs Iron Man
Obviously, by sheer booking alone this match had "Epic-ocity" written all over it.  But when Skeletor and Iron man teamed up on the 'ol "Crouching Behind Someone And Pushing The Person Over The Crouched Person" move to Red Hulk- well that took it so far in the stratosphere that NASA was notified.  It reminded me so much of middle school, only instead of some voice-cracking/acne ridden/tent-pitching kid getting pushed over, it's the 7', 1200 pound, highly skilled combatant/master strategist with incredible levels of superhuman physical strength, stamina and durability who becomes hotter as he grows angrier, leaves huge amounts of residual radiation, and is nearly invulnerable to physical damage.

Basically the same

After Skeletor won the match, Kharma came down the ramp to congratulate Skeletor and escort him back to the dressing room.

I didn't even try to find out what happened after that.

Raw is war:

In other news, I checked and sure enough there is not enough space to do add "...spelled Backwards" to this leagues' name.  I am seriously bummed.   

Delaney vs Natalya
Delaney the wrestler, who it could be argued came upon her Women's title and 100 rating due to some some good, old-fashioned nepotism, was controlled by Delaney the real kid and won her first match in the YWL.  Unfortunately for Natalya (who I had to control to make sure that Delaney won), her third loss in as many matches has likely buried her deeper than the Mariana Trench at this point.

I don't know if this is a sign that I'm playing the game too much (Sara's note: Um, absofreakinglutely you are), but I'm starting to reach the point that I am not sure how much longer I can purposefully keep losing to the kids.  I mean, had my signature/finisher combo unlocked and was working on a second almost before Delaney could even get a good shot at me.  Eventually I'm just going to have to unleash the Five-knuckle shuffle and deal with the consequences.  

Consider yourselves warned, kids

Brothers of Destruction (Kane and the Undertaker) vs The Living Legends (Chuck Norris and Bruce Lee)

The only thing you need to know about this match is that the Legends won because Bruce Lee made the Undertaker tap out.  I will now allow you to utilize the powers of your imagination to fill in the gaps whilst you ruminate on the awesomeness that is Bruce Lee.

Also, it just hit me that I'm giving the names of my tag teams and not necessarily giving you the names of the wrestlers in those tag teams.  Oops.  My bad.  Except it isn't my bad.  As the Road Dogg so passionately (and persuasively) argued, in instances where intent or information was not clearly conveyed, the burden of inquisition is on you.

Niko Bellic vs Beavis vs Captain Planet
This match right here, this embodies the heart of what I want the YWL to be all about- a couple of 1990s cartoon characters squaring off against the protagonist of a 2009 video game.  It's a reminder that "Hey.  It's okay to dream.  It's okay to dream crazy.  And it's even okayer to write about those crazy dreams on your blog".  And I want to dream crazy big. My kindred spirits over at M4gnation, for example, also run a crazy wrestling league with ridiculous rosters.  They also have Captain Planet.  Except their Captain Planet has also undergone a heel turn and emerged as Captain Pollution.  That's what I want YWL to become- this sort of beautiful virtual cesspool of over-the-toppities and other variations of shenaniganisms.

The match itself was somewhat nondescript.  That is, until I went into the kitchen to grab some waffle fries and came back to Niko lying in the center of the ring, Beavis stumbling around like a concussed drunk outside of the ring, and Captain Planet climbing over the top rope to exit the ring.  Not sure what exactly happened, but I watched with horrified amusement as Niko continued to just lay there for like five minutes while Captain Planet actually entered and exited the ring at least three times to go continue to pound on Beavis.  It was borderline demented watching Beavis just become more and more stupefied while Captain Planet ignored numerous opportunities to pin Bellic for the win in exchange for more chances to pummel the Great Cornholio.

Eventually Planet did just throw him into the ring and pin him for the victory...but after witnessing the cold-hearted let-him-have-it-ing that he was dishing out, perhaps a heel turn may be closer than I originally thought.

Road Dogg vs Triple H
I'm just going to say that the D-Generation X song is probably my favorite wrestling based song ever.  No, seriously, that's all I'm going to say about it. 

For reasons unknown, this was a cage match to determine the #1 contender for the Intercontinental.  Understand that at this point, Triple H already holds two of the three available titles- there is no reason for him to be shooting for the Triple Crown.  It's selfish.  Real life Triple H gets a lot of real life heat for burying up-and-comers- but at least he hasn't tried to hog all of the titles at the same time.

That said, I went ahead and played this game as Triple H.  Because the thought of the D-X stable holding all of the titles (did I mention that I'm a member of D-X?) gave me a nerdgasm.  However, let me tell you that playing a cage match on the 'quick' setting is pretty much a disaster.  The computer will punch you into a corner and then start climbing up the wall immediately.  And as a result, Road Dogg won and I lost.  I hate this stupid game.

But then Trips gave 'Dogg the losers "Good-game Hand Raise", which may have welcomed the Road Dogg into the DX fold and stole my heart in one fell swoop.  Oh, that Triple H.  What a wrestling mastermind! 

Rey Mysterio vs The Rock
After last weeks embarassing loss to the Godfather, the Rock resumed his place in the wrestling hierarchy by scoring a decisive victory over Rey Mysterio.  But his victory here served merely to mask a potentially devestating issue that could rear it's ugly head at some point in the future- Rock's inability to successfully attempt the People's Elbow.  (I'm not going to mention how I've controlled him for both of his matches so far).  It's still early in the season, but there's enough evidence to suggest that something may be amiss. 

NXT results:
Hold on, hold on, HOLD on.  NXT, what are you trying to do?  Did you just try to pass off Darth Maul vs Darth Vader as a match?  WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?????  I don't know if there's some greater plan here, but I'm totally changing taking the reigns on this one.  Just last week I was dreaming about Avengers vs Sith for the next couple months...now you're trying to make the Sith go all Rockers on us?  No.  EFF.  No.

Venom defeats Darth Vader via submission
(mumble) Bella defeats Beth Phoenix- huge upset.
Tim Tebow and Arnold defeat Red Hulk and Barrack Obama.  Governator and Tebow Time had great in-ring chemistry.  Might put them on a team called The Conservatives.  Or the Republican Party.
Kane destroyed defeated Road Dogg.  Highlight is when Kane did the DX crotch chop.
Strong Bad beat Iron Man

End of the week rankings jumps:
Dr. Manhattan, on the strength of his personal pinning of Batman, jumped from #25 to #8 in the WCW World Heavyweight title.  Nothing really in the Raw side, probably because there are more established (read: real) wrestlers that the computer GM knows how to properly rank.

Champions are the same as last week.  I suppose they likely will be until my first Pay-per-view (PPV), Hit Guys With Chairs, which is just two weeks away!  Set your TiVos, folks!

YWL: Season 1, Week 1

These are the highlights of Week 1.  Let's see how this goes, shall we?  Victor is in bold.   

WCW:

Michael Jackson vs Tim Tebow. I don't know if this is going to be a feud or like a wrestling one-night stand. You know, like a 'Hey, I wrestle. You wrestle. We both need a match. Why don't we just wrestle each other?'-type of hook up. It'd be a cool feud though. Nay, it would be a HIStorical feud.  Get it?  HIStorical?  Because Michael Jackson has a CD named HIStory...and their feud would be historohnevermind 
 
In the end, Michael Jackson defeated God's H-back via submission.  Yes, you read that correctly. 

This guy...

...made this guy tap out.  Who says video game wrestling isn't real?

Empire (Of Pain) vs Avengers
If this doesn't become a full-blown feud, then gosh darn it I'm going to make it one.  Let us count the reasons why: 
1) It's a tag team of freaking Sith Lords and they come into the ring to the Imperial march, which is only one of the baddest assest pieces of film score ever.
2) It's a tag team of the freaking Avengers, or at least the cool ones.
3) It's freaking destined to be.

So....that's like 3 reasons why.  But that's like, 300% more reasons than I have for most of the things that I do.

These tag team entrances are the greatest thing ever, if I do say so myself.  As mentioned, you have the two coolest Sith Lords ever, Imperially marching up the aisles to a raining cascade of kayfabe boos while the Avengers come out with Captain America riding in a jeep and waving the American flag while exhorting the crowd to stand up and get their 'Americuh' on.   

Pictured: Getting your 'Americuh' on

Shane and I played against each other for this match, so whoever he picked was going to win.  But even though the Avengers have to win in the end (it's in the wrestling by-laws), my hope is that the Empire (Of Pain) will be able to assert themselves as a dominant heel force in the Tag Team division.

Beth Phoenix vs One of the Bella twins
A couple of real wrestlers, albeit female ones.  Not that females can't be real wrestlers, I just...(shutting up).  Really the only reason that I kept any of the Divas (WWE's word, not mine) is because Delaney made her own wrestler and the game won't let girls and guys come to blows in the ring.

If I can wax a bit serious here- I'm not sure what to think about the whole 'women wrestler' thing.  I feel like if it were to be done correctly, it could be empoweringish to women, but in its current state it seems to go about as far as you can in the opposite direction.  That is, they give the girls just enough time to trot out in their skimpy outfits and do their sultry dances for the hornball male viewers and maybe even do a wrestling move or two before getting shuffled off to the back to look pretty in cheesy skits.

Nonetheless, I'm okay with letting Delaney use her created wrestler (for future reference, a CAW) to wrestle some matches in this game.  I do think there is some value in trying to ingrain in her early on that, short of peeing while standing and refusing to ask for directions, there aren't many things that men should have sole propriety over.

Rorschach vs Carnage
This match ended in a draw, thanks to some interference by the Red Hulk, who came hauling out from backstage to deliver a pair of One-handed Spinebusters to the incognizant heroes.

I absolutely love interfering on this game.  With the simple push of the triangle button, you have a Hammy-on-steroids-laced-caffeine way to start a feud or give a desired feud a HUGE boost.  Interference also seems to help wrestlers to quickly climb the championship ranking system.  For example, Rorschach, who in our match today played the part of someone getting spinebusted, actually climbed 26 spots on the WCW Heavyweight belt list.  Meanwhile, Tim Tebow dropped 5 spots.  Although he did lose to a guy who couldn't even out-agonistic Paul McCartney. 

The moral of the story, kids?  There is more honor in getting cheap-shotted by the Red Hulk than there is in being forced to submit to the guy who had sleepovers with Kevin McCallister.

Hulk vs Dolph Ziggler
Ziggler is one of the only real wrestlers in my WCW.  I don't know if it's because he was a member of the Spirit Squad and I'm just overly sympathetic or because of his marvelous hair- but I love this guy.  Plus he stands on his head in the ring- during matches!  I've heard him called a modern day Mr. perfect, and that's a very apt description.  A consummate heel and one of my favorite modern-day wrestlers.

Oh, and did I mention that Super Mario came out about half-way through the match like he was going to team up with the Hulk and then he just NAILED THE HULK RIGHT IN THE GUT!!!  Sort of random, but I'm sort of excited about the potential here.

And after Ziggler finally pinned the Hulk (after two near falls- great, great match), Thor came out to the entrance ramp and intimidatingly stared at Ziggler.  That's why you shouldn't mess with the Avengers...because they will avenge their friends with intimidating stares from across a crowded arena.


Raw is War:

Job Squad vs. New Age Outlaws

Raw is War (seriously thinking about adding a "...spelled backwards" to the title.  Hopefully the system lets me) has many more "real" wrestlers than WCW does, although there's still several created characters in order to keep mine/the kids' interest.  The Job Squad is a team of those guys.  Made up of Homestarrunner and Beavis, they aren't going to winning many titles...or even many matches.  They're just there to rid in on a bike and make the kids chuckle.

Despite their low standing in the company, the Job Squad put up a heck of a fight against one of the better tag teams in the game.  Actually, Beavis did most of the wrestling- I'm not actually sure where Homestarrunner was. 

Lita vs Natalya-
Natalya is exhibit A of the misuse and borderline discrimination by the WWE against the women's wrestlers (really, I'm surprised they couldn't find a more degrading term than "Divas").  A very talented wrestler with a tremendous family pedigree...and yet as recently as last year (maybe more recently, I haven't been paying attention) she was starring in  flatulence spots.  Props to her for making the best of the situation...but I can't imagine a more degrading situation they could have put her in.

Enough about that- back to the YWL.  Lita basically slammed her foe through the barricade and won via countout.    

Raphael vs Rey Mysterio
In a perfect world with more than 50 CAW slots, I would have downloaded all of the Ninja Turtles AND Casey Jones and made them into the most unstoppable stable that wrestling has ever seen.  Unfortunately, I couldn't afford to devote 1/10th of my slots to the TMNT squad- not when I had to save spots for Willie Wonka and Spongebob.  So alas, I had to settle for Raph (my all-time favorite Turtle) with variant costumes of his pizza pals.

As for the match?  Oh.  Well, Rey won.  The highlight though was when Mysterio got up on the top ropes in an attempt to Rope Flip Raph- and ended up completely whiffing on it.  Basically it looked like he tried to do a purposeful cannonball onto the concrete floor.  Nonetheless, he survived that mistake (and Raph's early assaults) to win by pinfall.

Godfather versus The Rock
My initial goal for the YWL was to have as few real life wrestlers as possible, and even fewer matches between real wrestlers.  But I'm purposefully staying with the match cards that the CPU gives me, in hopes that there is sweet payoff down the road.

Godfather won even though I was playing as the Rock.  I was only playing because I wanted to show the kids the People's Elbow...but I ended up doing the Rock Bottom instead.  I'm so sorry children.

Triple H vs. Randy Orton
As of press time, D-X OWNS Raw Is War.  They hold the Tag Team AND World Heavyweight championships.  Coincidentally, I happen to be a member of D-X.  Whoah, that's weird.  How did that happen?

Triple H is the aforementioned World Heavyweight champion.  Randy Orton is one of the top-five contenders for said championship.  So imagine my surprise when Shane O'Mac came out and leveled both guys.  That's about thirty levels of WHAT THE HECK JUST HAPPENED THERE, WWE 13????

First of all, I spent a good amount of time going through and making sure that all of the "inactive" wrestlers didn't have any allies or rivals that were active PRECISELY to avoid this sort of thing.  I didn't download close to 50 comic characters, pop-culture figures, and politicians so that I could watch Vince McMahon's goofy kid come between The Game and The Apex Predator.

Second of all, this.

That concludes the synopses of my main shows.  As part of my schedule, there's also a weekly show called "NXT".  It's basically like a bonus show to help feuds progress and give other wrestlers a chance at the screen...I guess?  So I don't know how I'll approach writing about this show.  At this time, I'll be just documenting the results.  Why?  I don't know.

NXT results:
The Governator defeats Venom
Edward Cullen defeats Homestar
Lita defeats Natalya (again)
Darth Vader defeats Michael Jackson (Potential feud alert- Darth went to give him the 'ol "Good game" hand shake post-match and Michael Jackson slapped it away)
Spider-man defeats Ronald McDonald and Sponge-bob (Spidey did the 'Hey man, great game' hand-raise to Ronald McDonald)

End of the week ranking jumps
The Red Hulk/Carnage/Rorschach interference match paid immediate dividends.  Carnage is now the #2 contender for the WCW Heavyweight title/European championships.  Rorschach jumped from #29 to #3- just for getting jumped!  Red Hulk, meanwhile, went from bottom feeding at #32 to the #5 contender slot. 

On the Raw Is War side, Homestarrunner jumped to #15 in the Heavyweight Championship race (from #32) despite being largely a spectator in The Job Squad's loss to The New Age Outlaws.  I smell a premature push.  The Job Squad did move up five spots to #5 in the Tag Team rankings, although if you think that there's any chance that they get past the Outlaws, the Brothers of Destruction (link), AND the Road Warriors...then I only got TWO. WORDS. FOR YA.

Un likely?

Here's my current champions in each league:

WCW:
WCW Heavyweight Championship- Skeletor
European Championship- Sting
World Tag Team Championship- The Justice League
Divas Championship- Beth Phoenix

Raw Is War:
World Heavyweight Championship- Triple H
Intercontinental Championship- CM Punk
Tag Team Championship- D-Generation X
World's Championship- Delaney

Until next week fellows!

IF YOU SMELL....WHAT YOUSHOULDKNOWJASONPARKS IS COOKIN'

How do you write a blog about a video game based on a fake sport?  I have no idea.  I had no idea when I said that I was going to do it, and I have less of an idea now.  Well, perhaps that is only half true.  But with 60+ wrestlers to keep track of, and lacking the stable structure that other, realer sports have, and the emphasis on virtual story-telling- let's just say that this is going to be a little trial and error here in the beginning.  Best case scenario, I create this on-going/self-sustaining mecca of laughs that blows the competition out of the water.  Worst case scenario?  It's another thing that I've said that I'll do that I don't end up doing.   So unless you're a fan of quality/meaningful work, this is going to be a win/win.

Did I just use the 'ol '/' move three times in that paragraph?  Awesome.  Just call me Slash.

SLASH!!!

Back to brass tacks- lets start to pin down what this thing is.  And what it is, is the Youshouldknowjasonparks Wrestling League.  Yes, I really for real am calling it that- although you can call it the YWL for short.  But this name thing is happening.  It is SO happening.  I've already looked into the trademark. 

I've divided my league into 2 separate, smaller leagues.  It's very similar to when the AFL and NFL were separate entities and would meet annually to have a huge championship fiesta.  Except that I will have monthly "Super Bowls" (Pay-per-views), each resulting in multiple championship fiestas and also Joe Namath comes into the Packers huddle and smacks Bart Starr in the face with a folding chair.

(And now I wish that downloaded a Joe Namath create-a-wrestler)

SLASH!!!

The two leagues (and if I can just say that the customizability of WWE 13's Universe mode- basically the "career" mode of other sports games- is nothing short of funtastic) are WCW and Raw Is War.  Not that you necessarily care about that, but at least you'll know when I start throwing those names around.

At this point my goal is to write weekly about my little corner of the universe.  Maybe profile a wrestler each week.  Give an update on championship rankings.  And we'll see what else.  I really do think that this could end up being very fun (for me), and hopefully at least a little tolerable for you.

SLASH!!!

The Youshouldknowjasonparks Wrestling League

For about the last week, I have been immersed in WWE '13 right up to the point of what some might consider to be absurd.  Sara would probably disagree with that assessment. 

If you're in the 'what-in-the-world-is-he-talking-about' crowd, lemme bring you up to speed.  WWE 13 is the latest installment of the pro wrestling video game series.  I'm not a consistent fan of wrestling, but I am a huge fan of fun, and wrestling is fun.  Video games are funner.  Wrestling video games are even funnester. 

Wrestling might not be in my blood, but I sure appreciate the heck out of it.  From the pyrotechnics to the entrance music to the over-the-top antics to the crazy feats of athleticism, it's an experience that is unlike any other.  It's like the X-Games impregnated Days of Our Lives while getting a blood transfusion from Ryan Braun.  Coupled with the fact that I had a bout of the Hulkamania as a kid, and you wouldn't need an MRI to see that there's always a little bit of wrestle-fever lurking slightly below the surface.  And about a week ago, Strong Bad reached down under my skin and yanked it right out.

And now I'm hooked.

The coolest part about the WWE video game series is not the actual wrestling itself (although that's fun enough).  No, what makes these games amazing and blog-worthy is the amount of create-a-stuff features they have.

You can (with some imagination) pretty much create any wrestler, arena, sign, or special move that your heart desires.  Once you create a wrestler, you can give him his very own entrance and his very own entrance music (and I just found out that you can create highlight videos- and upload them to YouTube.  Goodbye, free time).  The possibilities are almost endless.  The entertainment is even endlesser.

Long time readers who are familiar with my Fantasy Football exploits are very likely experiencing a sickening sort of knot in their stomach as they begin to subconsciously realize just what exactly is happening here.  And in case not, I'm going to spell it out- I'm going to be blogging about my wrestling game.

Before you close this out, erase your browsing history and delete me as a friend from Facebook, let me explain why I think this will be bone-crushingly awesome and why I want to tell the whole freaking world about it.  Quick question: What do the following people/characters have in common:

Strong Bad
Skeletor
Iron Man
Beavis
Michael Jackson
Spongebob
Batman
President Obama
Tim Tebow
Ronald McDonald

Honestly I don't care what you answered, because the correct answer is that they are all created wrestlers on my WWE 13 game! 

I'm so stoked for the wrestling mayhem that will be playing out on my PS3 over the next few months.  Imagine Megamind having a feud with Chuck Norris.  Or Darth Vader and Stephen Colbert joining forces to take out Spider-man and Edward Cullen.  The possibility for shenanigans is unending.  And where there is a limitless pool of shenanigans (the Fountain of Shenanigans, if you will), there you will find me mooching at the cash bar.

That's why I am going to be writing about the video game exploits of fake characters taking part in a make-believe sport.  Because the thought of Captain Planet feuding with Mario or Arnold Schwarzenegger squaring off against Willie Wonka with the World Heavyweight Championship on the line or Bruce Lee teaming up with Jon Snow....well those things make me smile.  And now, I'm bringing it to ya.

BOO YA!!!!