WCW Hardcore Championship Tournament

Before I begin my Championship Tournament Tour, I have a confession, and since part of my gimmick is going to be treading on history and lore of Wrestling Past...I feel like you should just know that wrestling wasn't this huge, huge part of my formative years.  Obviously it was a part of it- I have some strong attachments to the late 80s/early 90s roster of grapplers and in truth I have earlier memories of wrestling than I do hockey or basketball.  But as I watch the 'Behind the Scenes' shows on the WWE Network (seriously, if you like wrestling even a little bit, you should get it because it's fantastic) and see all these people with very vivid memories of certain events...I realize that I don't have a lot of significant/specific wrestling moments.  I don't know if we ever purchased a Pay-per-View.  I didn't watch wrestling every week, and I certainly wasn't a Tape Trader.  I'm a casual fan at best.

So apologies in advance if in my quest to share my fantasy booking diary with the world I accidentally crap on a favorite wrestling memory.  If, for example, you have fond memories of that one guy in the Nasty Boys winning the WCW Hardcore Title....then this blog may or may not crap all over that memory.  Because I have no attachment to it (and many of the championship belts in all honesty), I will be treating it like the prop that it really probably was.  The same will probably go for wrestlers.  And I hope that we can all be okay with that.

With that said, the WCW Hardcore Championship Tournament, folks!

Qualifier:
The 16 competitors for this tournament were decided by a series of 10-man Royal Rumbles.  And yes, they were all awesome.

1st Round:

David Otunga vs Hollywood Hogan- Okay, I have to admit that the whole reason I set up this match as a 1st Round showdown was to set up a potentially exciting bracket where John Cena would have to work through members of the NWO in order to advance to the championship match.  This didn't happen for a couple of reasons.

1) I screwed up when setting up the bracket and made it so it would only be possible for Cena to face off against one of the NWO superstars en route to the title.  Proving once again, that I am a moron.
2) David Otunga demolished Hollywood Hogan.

Needless to say, I was shocked.  Maybe not as shocked as I was when the Undertaker was defeated at Real Wrestlemania 30, but shocked nonetheless.  After the match, Jerry "The King" Lawler said it was 'the biggest victory of his life', and while Otunga graduated from Harvard Law and married Jennifer Hudson in reality, it's not a stretch to say that defeating Hollywood Hogan on my video game has to at least be in the top three of Otunga life moments.

Scott Hall (NWO) vs Darren Young- An old-fashioned squash match.  The only thing I can really say about this match is what's up with Hall's ring gear?

Answer: I don't know

Adrian Neville vs George RR Martin- First off, let me just say that 'RR' is right up there with 'W' and 'The' in the pantheon of middle names.  I feel like giving your child one of those middle names automatically gives them 1,000,000 Future Success XPs.    

This was the ultimate case of Fantasy-fantasy booking.  You have George RR Martin, preeminent fantasy writing mind of our time and the author of the highly-acclaimed Song of Fire and Ice series, in one corner.  In the other corner, you have an elf:

What?

 No, not that guy.  Hang on here...

Uh nope

Pictured: An elf.

For most of the match there was a nice little back and forth and I totally thought Neville had this match in the bag at one point, but Martin finally was able to hit the Red Wedding (his finisher), score the victory, and end yet another wildly beloved character.  

Waluigi vs John Cena- A surprisingly competitive match, Cena actually had to leave the ring at one point to escape the onslaught of Waluigi. 

A guy who can't even beat meat.

After Cena left the ring, he remembered how to win.  So he threw Waluigi up in the air and delivered the Attitude Adjustment for the win. The end.

Big Show (Retro) vs Kane  - In my WCW Hardcore Championship Tournament Preview (which took place in my brain), I deftly noted that neither of these two guys would have a chance at the title because they would end up beating the kayfabe out of each other.  That's exactly what happened, and it was kind of glorious.  Easily the best match of the first round, with near-falls and giant slams everywhere.  Big Show ended up winning the match and (probably) our hearts. 

Hamburglar vs Dusty Rhodes- What we had here was a match between a guy whose sole joy in life is stealing every hamburger he lays his eyes on...and the Hamburglar.  This was a dramatic and competitive affair.  Hamburglar got the early offensive with a series of punches and kicks, attacking Rhodes like he was a giant hamburger-filled pinata.  Rhodes stood strong and gave a last stand that, while it wasn't quite Helms Deep, was valiant and will probably be immortalized in song at some point most likely a McDonalds jingle. In the end, Hamburglar dug into his pants for brass knuckles (a finisher which I have affectionately dubbed The Big SMac), slugged Dusty right in his blade-scarred face, and rolled him up for the 3 count.

Jeff Hardy vs Michael PS Hayes- In an unexpected squash of a match, Hayes proved he's not just a pretty face and beat the ever-loving crap out of Jeff Hardy.  Although really, Hayes isn't even that pretty of a face.         

Pictured: 1970s sex symbol

Brock Lesnar (Retro) vs Konnor O'Brian- The Ascension (Knowledge drop: Konnor O'Brian is in the Ascension) are a dominant tag team force in NXT who have taken any and all comers (including Too Cool!).  And Brock Lesnar destroyed Konnor so quickly that I didn't even have time to think of a clever analogy of how quickly he destroyed him.

2nd Round:
Scott Hall vs David Otunga- Hall continued his rampage through the tournament by quickly disposing of an overmatched Otunga and avenging the loss of his friend and mentor, Hollywood Hogan.  NWO 4 life, friends.  4 life.     

George RR Martin vs John Cena- Martin got the jump early and scored a near fall by the ropes, but Cena had one of his patented comebacks in the pocket of his jorts and proceeded to dispatch the portly fantasy author and advance to the semi-finals JUST AS I HAD FORSEEN IN THE PROPHECY. 

Hamburglar vs Big Show- Any question about how Hamburglar would respond to his slight upset in the 1st Round (and yes, there were certainly questions) were answered when Hamburglar hit the Show with not one...not two...but THREE Big SMacs.  Oh, and he also did a flying elbow on top of a prone Big Show while he was laying on the announce table.  Big Show kicked out twice, but in the end, the cumulative effects of his slobberknocker with Kane combined with all the abuse from the Hamburglar were too much to overcome.

Michael PS Hayes vs Brock Lesnar (Retro)- Brock whipped it into high gear quickly and left a Confederate flag-colored streak where Hayes used to be, forcing Hayes to tap out via Brock Lock (Really?  That's the name of the finishing move- the Brock Lock?).  I have to admit, I am in love with Lesnar in this tournament.  He has been this unstoppable, bad-ass ass-kicking machine, which is exactly how Brock Lesnar should be.  I'm excited to see what happens when he takes on a professional hamburger thief in the next round.

Semi-finals:
John Cena vs. Scott Hall- A lot of the guys who I have seen run their own pretend wrestling promotions may not have my communication skills, biting sense of humor, or dashing good looks- but they all certainly have one thing I do not: The ability to record matches from their video game systems.  So I apologize if I do a crappy job of describing matches, especially when the technology exists for you to see them for yourselves.

I bring this up because there was a part of this match where Cena was glitching over a prone Hall and I assumed he was freestyling some dopey rap and be all, like, taunty- and you weren't there to see it with me!  In hindsight, it wasn't all that great.  So you probably didn't miss much.  However you did miss Hall coming back from having his Attitude Adjusted and then gaining the upper hand, subduing Cena, and advancing to the WCW Hardcore Championship.

But man, at this point in the tournament Hall's gear is really bothering me.  I know that like 'vandalism' and 'counter culture' were the whole NWO schtick, and they would, like, graffiti everyone and everything, but seriously- Scott, your ring gear looks like it has huge gobs of dripping white slime on it.  You are a professional wrestler, Scott.  It's time you started dressing like one. 

Said the man with the inflatable circuit board suit

Brock Lesnar vs Hamburglar- The Brock Lesnar Swath Cutting Tour continues, despite having the game on Normal settings. I'll bet Brock has eaten hamburgers that have given him more trouble than the Hamburglar did.

FINALS:
Scott Hall vs Brock Lesnar- Another short match ending in decimation, which, when you think about it, is perfect because Brock Lesnar is the perfect man to carry the WCW Hardcore championship.  Because he is so Hardcore.

Congratulations to Brock Lesnar for winning the WCW Hardcore Championship and thank you for reading!  Tune in next time as Brock will try to take out....himself?

PICS:
Scott Hall- http://www.oxmonline.com/files/imagecache/futureus_imagegallery_fullsize/gallery/razor_ramon_nwo.jpg
Legolas- http://images5.fanpop.com/image/photos/25500000/Legolas-legolas-greenleaf-25589661-1000-802.jpg
Buddy- http://blog.dormify.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/elf1.jpeg
Neville- http://4crwrestling.files.wordpress.com/2014/01/71451_613072105409024_2129089312_n.jpg
Waluigi- http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/archive/4/46/20130913123103!Waluigi.png
Hayes- http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lkzqceLw3H1qj53aco1_400.jpg
Max Moon- http://media.kayfabenews.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/MAX_MOON.jpg
Lesnar- http://dailywrestlingnews.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/Intense-Lesnar.gif

YWL: Season 1, Week 3

Hit Guys With Chair is next week!  In the meantime, some week 3- recap.

But first, a little clarifier- In my last post, I mentioned the 'quick' setting a couple of times.  Allow me to 'splain.  There are three settings to the simulated matches- quick, normal, and epic.  I do 'quick' for the regular matches because time is a finite resource and I am pretty sure that using it to watch video game wrestling (and then writing about it) is possibly not the best use of that time.

WCW:

Darth Maul vs Super Mario
Confession- I eschewed the easy road for the Mario entrance song and gave him Ebola in Memphis, a mash-up tune that I found on a website that most likely had some connection to the mafia.  In some ways, it's really out of place with the whole Mario persona- but the music goes really well with his entrance, so I kept it.

I don't know why I felt compelled to share that with you.

In terms of the actual match, it was an orgy of Sith punishment.  Maul spent the whole match kicking and punching and jumping and kicking and jumping and punching and in the end, it was just too much for poor 'ol Mario.

AJ Lee and Bella Da Ball (kidding- just one of the Bella's) vs Beth Phoenix and Eve Torres
In perhaps the cruelest sense of irony, the first repeat match and the clearest form of feud development is occurring between a group of Divas wrestlers that are not united by any sort of team harmony, mutual animosity, or pursuit of a championship. 

Why couldn't this have been Avengers/Sith?  Or Avengers/Team CoBro?  Shoot, I'd even watch the Avengers take on the Bella Twins- I just want to see tag team matchups that involve actual tag teams.  Is that too much to ask??? 

Thankfully, Eve made AJ tap so quickly in this match that I barely had time to think the preceding thoughts.  Still, there's a very good chance that I'm going to see some variation of this stinker over the next couple of weeks- and maybe even (gulp) beyond.

Arnold vs Barack Obama
A little follow up from the tag team match on last weeks NXT.  Nice save, bookerman. 

Regardless of political persuasion, I hope that you can appreciate the brilliance of including Barack Obama in this league.  Not that I'm the first (or only) person to have done it- but everyone that does it is a genius. 

After a pretty even start, things took a turn for the worse for the Governator when he inexplicably got out of the ring to set up the announcing table for...well, for what, I don't know.  What I do know is that this was the part of the show where Barack unleashed his underrated rope game and launched an aerial assault that can only be described as a Air Force One, Fox Three.

But then, just when you thought that Arnold was purposefully throwing the match- he choke-slammed Obama through the announcers table.  Plus, and this is crucial- he threw Barack Obama through a table!  Woah!!!  That's awesome!!!You can't tell me that doesn't make your little liberal heart smile at least a little bit.

If not, then this should do the trick

If I decide to name a 'Match of the Year', this will certainly be in the conversation.  Obama nailed three of his finishers (The FiliBUSTer) on Arnold, but in an overly-zealous-and-ridiculously-blatant fourth-wall reference to bureaucratic inefficiency, he (and by 'he', I mean 'I') attempted to pin Arnold within reach of the ropes all three times, which allowed Arnold to kick out and continue the match.  Finally, after miraculously escaping from a colossal clutch, Obama rolled him up for the three count to put the finishing touches on one of the best matches I've ever seen- real or otherwise.

Who said that big government never gave us anything?

Captain America and Darth Vader vs Red Hulk and Strong Bad
Wait- whaaaaaat???

I don't get it either, Random Dorky Glasses Guy

Let's pause to honor this historic moment in Youshouldknowjasonparks history- my first-ever use of a  GIF!!!!  Although I probably could..have...used a...better.....one.    

So apparently my idea of a master feud between the Sith and the Avengers was aborted so that Darth Maul could fight...Super Mario and Darth Vader could team up with....Captain America to....um, fight against....Strong Bad and Red Hulk?????

There.  That's better.

Seriously, if some of my more wrestling-knowledgeable friends could explain why a face and a heel who are already on teams would team up against two heels that they aren't actually rivals with, I'd greatly appreciate it and probably even cite my sources.

It's not that I'm against randomness- I champion randomness.  That was one of my whole reasons for doing the YWL in the first place.  But in the context of wrestling feud development....well, I don't know enough yet to ascertain the meaning of these random matches and the overbooking of the Divas has me less than convinced that the computer GM knows what the heck it's doing.

Regardless of why this match took place, it was definitely a quickie.  Vader/America did a great job controlling tempo and keeping Strong Bad out of the match (although Strong Bad may not have tried very hard to get into the same ring as the Super Soldier and Emperor Palpatine's attack dog).

Carnage vs. Rorschach (accompanied by Skeletor)
As this card has progressed, it has gotten more and more bizarre and I'm trying to wrap my head around whether I like it or whether I wish things were more linear.

Why is Rorschach aligning himself with Skeletor?  I thought he was all about no compromise- yet here he is aligning himself with not only a villain- but arguably one of the most notorious villains of all time (or at least 1980s cartoons).  Look, I read The Watchmen.  I know about how Rorschach butchered a kidnapper/murderer in the comics.  So how can I watch him possibly join forces with the despot who would do this?  And this?  And that?  And even this?

And then- they even did a seemingly joyous double high five right before the match!?!?!?!  WHAT IN TARNATION IS GOING ON HERE??????

Maybe Skeletor has turned face?  It's hard to read his, um, face (it is a skull, after all), but after the match he seemed to show genuine empathy towards Rorschach as he raised his hand in the air in victory (Oh yeah...the match.  Um, Rorschach won) with the tenderest of care, as Rorschach favored his bruised and battered ribs.  What's even weirder is that Rorschach is Level 4-rivals with Arnold, a member of Skeletor's stable, the Nexus!!!

What could this possibly mean???  Gah- I can't talk about it anymore, it's giving me a headache.

Raw is War...spelled backwards:

Godfather vs The Rock
For the first time this season, I chose not to play as the Rock.  Not because I wanted him to lose- far from it!  It's just that....well, Rock hasn't dropped The People's Elbow since....well, at least since the Wrestlemania that must have preceded the start of my WWE Universe mode.  I need to see if it's just me or if the Rock has some legitimate psychological issues going on regarding that move.

Despite picking up the victory over the Godfather (and building up two Finishers), The Rock did not execute a successful People's Elbow.  He didn't even attempt it.  One match isn't enough to call it a trend, but still- is there a crisis hotline for video game wrestlers?

Niko Bellic vs Ezio (Table match)
Ezio makes his YWL debut.  All I can say is it's about freaking time.  I once almost started a blog about the life and times of Ezio, so to say I'm excited is an understatement.  Ezio is the freaking man.  Plus, this match is between the protagonists from two of my favorite open world games ever- and it involves tables!!!

As expected, Ezio controlled the early part with a brilliant understanding of pacing...and punching.  In a regular match he probably would have won easily.  But it's not a regular match, and as things went on, Niko demonstrated the cool under pressure that you would expect from a guy who casually strolls down the street like this.

Despite putting himself through a table (twice), Niko wound up with the victory when he put Ezio through the announcing table.  Huh.  I didn't realize that would count as a table.  I guess you learn something new every day. 

Delaney vs Layla
Confession- for a split second I was thinking that 'Lola' would be a great theme song for Layla.  Then I realized that I was confusing 'Lola' with 'Layla', which is also a song about a woman...just in a different way.  But wouldn't that be awesome- to have a women's wrestler with 'Lola' as their entrance song?  Talk about your all-time swerves.

And Delaney gets the win via submission. 

CM Punk vs Triple H vs Randy Orton
There's a lot of gold here- CM Punk holds the Intercontinental title, and Triple H's quest for title #3 to complete the Triple Crown has been well documented (by which I mean I wrote a little blurb about it in a much bigger piece and am now shamelessly linking to that piece in order to artificially inflate my post count).

When I was deciding how to break down my rosters and which real wrestlers to include, CM Punk and Triple H were pretty much shoe-ins.  I totally could have gone either way on Randy Orton.  I don't know why- Orton has just never captured my imagination the way others have.  Keep in mind that I grew up with the WWF of the 1980s, and characters like Hulk Hogan, Jake the Snake, Macho Man, Ravishing Rick Rude, and the Million Dollar Man.  So while in-ring ability can certainly grab my attention, there's something to be said about the big personality that I look for- and Orton just don't have it.

So if I don't care for Orton all that much, why include him?  Let's take a systematic look at a list of pros and cons, shall we?

Case for Randy Orton:
-Apex predator thing: Randy Orton is called 'The Apex Predator' and can sometimes be seen impersonating a snake.  Snakes are cool.  Therefore, the logical conclusion is that Randy Orton is confused probably in need of some counseling an actual snake cool.
-Tattoo sleeves: Within the last few years, Randy Orton beefed up his tattoo repertoire by getting some sleeves to augment his collection of tribal tats.  Some people aren't big fans, but I think it looks sort of sweet.  It's like he's wearing an inverse t-shirt all the time.  
-Neat-enough finisher: The RKO comes in at #11 on the Top 50 WWE finishers of all time video that I just watched.  It's not my favorite, but it's sort of cool.  I guess.

Case against Randy Orton:
-Lame song: It should be noted that I haven't watched any actual matches since 2012, so it's possible that Randy Orton changed his entry music.  If not though....ugh.  Bill Simmons gave a pretty good description of what makes entrance music 'pop'- and this song, to me, has zero pop.  There's no real high points...or even super low points.  It just...is.  The lyrics talk about hearing voices in your head, and while I'm no music historian, I'm sure that there are waaaaaay cooler songs that talk about being crazy.
-No real personality: As mentioned, I grew up with 1980s wrestling, where we were all marks and a cool gimmick was way more important than cool wrestling moves.  Times have changed and I've changed- but I'm still way more into guys that have personalities.  CM Punk, Rock, Stone Cold, DX- perfect examples of dudes that have personalities that compliment their in-ring prowess.  I haven't followed a ton of the WWE over the last several years, but I've seen enough of Randy Orton to know that he's less interesting than washing dishes.
-Sort of an ugly dude:  Nothing more that I can say about him than this:

Wait a second...that's not him.

Nope.

Enough about that- my issues with Randy aside, this is a potentially historical match.  I mean, even Chris Jericho bought a ticket for a front row seat.  Clearly then, in order to piggyback on to history, I had to man the controls of one of these wrestlers.  And even clearlier, I had to man the controls- of the Tripster.

When I look back years down the road and write the memoirs of the YWL's early days, I will look back on this match as the "Dont' Call It A Comeback (but actually you can call it a comeback)" match.  Certain wrestlers have a "comeback" ability, and each of these guys is on that list.  Basically a comeback allows to kick some a** after you've spent the previous few minutes getting your own a** kicked.

Between the comebacks and all the post-signature chairs-to-the-face  maneuvers, this match definitely had some dynamic ebb and flow going on.  3H finally won after smashing Orton with the steel steps and pinning him while CM Punk just sort of pranced by in the background.  Following the match, Road Dogg came in for the congrats and I was giddy like a school girl.

I was actually going to put a picture of a giddy school girl here, but I thought you should know that this came up on Google under the search for 'giddy school girl'.  Not even that far down the page, either.

New Age Outlaws vs Brothers of Destruction (#1 contenders for the tag team title)
I imagine that the Undertakers entrance is probably amazing in a live setting.  The lights go down, the bell tolls, the purple smoke goes up- it's gotta be magical.  On WWE 13 though...well, it's sort of tough to sit through because there's not a lot going on.  There's this sort of mildly creepy/mid-tempo song and OH MY GOSH THE UNDERTAKER STILL HASN'T MADE IT TO THE RING YET.  It's starting to get to the point where I seriously consider just skipping the whole thing.

What Undertaker does better than anybody, though, is the in-ring extracurriculars.  The throat slit, the coffin pin, the hat removal, the eyes in the back of his head, the Gene Simmons- I remember him when he first came into the WWE as this other-worldly demigod who was powered by a magical cookie jar or whatever.  20+ years later, and he's still rocking it. 

I'm not sure if it's just because we're getting closer to the PPV, but I feel like the matches are getting more epic, even on the quick setting.  For a #1 contenders match, this was everything you'd want from the possible future tag team champs.

Oh yeah, this sort of happened after the match...Kane started kicking Undertaker as he lay on the ground and then Billy Gunn brought up a couple of chairs and they proceeded to hit the Undertaker with the chairs and OH MY GOSH, HIT GUYS WITH CHAIRS IS ONLY A WEEK AWAY!!!!  What a great accidental promo!  What a crazy swerve!  What an awesome game!

NXT results:
Chris Jericho defeats Shawn Michaels (vis submission)
Triple H defeats Godfather
Arnold defeats Barack Obama (revenge from Monday Nitro match)
Colbert defeated Tebow.  After the match, Scorpion came out to try and cheap shot Tebow (not sure why), but Colbert came to Tebow's defense.
Raphael defeated Rey Mysterio

Rankings:
Are the Sith making their move towards championship relevance?  Vader jumped to #6 from #30 and Maul from #31 to #12.  I'm skeptical though- we'll have to see how they're utilized next week to know if they're really getting a push or not.  Over in Raw, Brothers of Destruction jumped from #4 to #2 in tag team division, although the fall-out from their last match will be interesting.  As of right now, according to the Superstar profiles, Kane is still Undertaker's Level 5 ally.  And in a bit of trivia, Sheriff Rick Grimes is a Level 3 rival.  You know what they say- keep your back-stabbing friends close and your vague enemies sort of far away. 

IF YOU SMELL....WHAT YOUSHOULDKNOWJASONPARKS IS COOKIN'

How do you write a blog about a video game based on a fake sport?  I have no idea.  I had no idea when I said that I was going to do it, and I have less of an idea now.  Well, perhaps that is only half true.  But with 60+ wrestlers to keep track of, and lacking the stable structure that other, realer sports have, and the emphasis on virtual story-telling- let's just say that this is going to be a little trial and error here in the beginning.  Best case scenario, I create this on-going/self-sustaining mecca of laughs that blows the competition out of the water.  Worst case scenario?  It's another thing that I've said that I'll do that I don't end up doing.   So unless you're a fan of quality/meaningful work, this is going to be a win/win.

Did I just use the 'ol '/' move three times in that paragraph?  Awesome.  Just call me Slash.

SLASH!!!

Back to brass tacks- lets start to pin down what this thing is.  And what it is, is the Youshouldknowjasonparks Wrestling League.  Yes, I really for real am calling it that- although you can call it the YWL for short.  But this name thing is happening.  It is SO happening.  I've already looked into the trademark. 

I've divided my league into 2 separate, smaller leagues.  It's very similar to when the AFL and NFL were separate entities and would meet annually to have a huge championship fiesta.  Except that I will have monthly "Super Bowls" (Pay-per-views), each resulting in multiple championship fiestas and also Joe Namath comes into the Packers huddle and smacks Bart Starr in the face with a folding chair.

(And now I wish that downloaded a Joe Namath create-a-wrestler)

SLASH!!!

The two leagues (and if I can just say that the customizability of WWE 13's Universe mode- basically the "career" mode of other sports games- is nothing short of funtastic) are WCW and Raw Is War.  Not that you necessarily care about that, but at least you'll know when I start throwing those names around.

At this point my goal is to write weekly about my little corner of the universe.  Maybe profile a wrestler each week.  Give an update on championship rankings.  And we'll see what else.  I really do think that this could end up being very fun (for me), and hopefully at least a little tolerable for you.

SLASH!!!