My Olympic weekend

For those of my readers who either aren't paying attention or are living under a rock (not being facetious, by the way- 33% of my readership is in either of these two categories), the Olympic Games started this weekend.  You may have heard of them, they're sort of a big deal, only happening every 4 years.  Although, with all the national championships and world championships and world cups...maybe it's not such a big deal.  Side tangent- why are the world championships considered less prestigious than the Olympics?  I mean, you're the champion.  Of the world.  THE WORLD!!!  What can be better than that?  It's the freaking world!!!  Leonardo DiCaprio didn't say "I'm the king of the Olympics!".  Dr. Evil didn't hold the Olympics ransom for one million dollars.  And God didn't send His only son because He loved the Olympics.  Come on!

I'm not really sure what my tangent was about.  But it's out there now, and it's up to the world to take up the gauntlet of my crusade.  Or whatevs.

Back on task, the Olympics.  As I've alluded to before (or perhaps just came right out and said...I can't be bothered to remember such things), living with my in-laws has been awesome because they have, like, a 500-inch Flat Screen Plasma HDMI Future TV.  And they like to watch sports.  So, seeing as I like to watch sports, and they like to watch sports, and the Olympics are the Mecca of sports...this past weekend we watched a lot of the Olympics.

Unfortunately, you haven't been watching them with me.  For about 33% of you, that's because you either live under a rock or simply haven't been paying attention.  The rest of you, sadly, just don't live here.  Or not so sadly if you do, in fact, snore.

Don't sweat it though- I've decided that rather than let that your snoring come between you and the privilege of knowing what I'm thinking as I watch the XXX Olympics, I will bring my Olympic thoughts right to you, hand delivered on a silver platter through the miracle of the internet.  I know you'll probably never get a chance to say thank you- but really, you'll never have to.  I'm that awesome.

But seriously, you should say 'Thank you'.

This isn't going to be any sort of running tabulation or a Bill Simmons-running-diary.  No, this is just me, sitting down at my computer after the fact and typing up some random thoughts about what I've witnessed.  Will it be as epic as what I actually witnessed?  Pfft...please.  Of course it is.  This is the Olympics, brah.

VOLLEYBALL:

I watched the US Mens and Womens team take on Serbia and South Korea, respectively.  Volleyball is one of my favorite Olympic sports.  I'm familiar enough with it to know what's going on, but watching it only once every four years makes it feel fresh and new.  It's not quite as cool as Sepak Takraw, but still- it's pretty awesome.

WARNING- This paragraph is probably going to seem to be veering hard into 'sexist' territory.  But I'm going to navigate it so smoothly and deftly you're going to wonder what the heck just happened.  Either that or I'm going to smack in the middle of Don Imus' forehead.  I enjoy watching women's volleyball just as much as I do the men's game.  It's one of the few sports where I can honestly say that, and it's not because volleyball players are cute.  (Actually, the US Olympic team this year is not very attractive.  The whole game against South Korea, it was painfully obvious who had the more beautiful side.  South Korea was just flat-out drop-unconscious gorgeous though).  The women, while not playing with the same athleticism as their male counterparts, play at a high enough level to where that difference is not noticeable.  Also, the women utilize more lob shots than the men, who seem destined to spike every third hit no matter where they are or how many defenders might be blocking them. 

Last thought on volleyball- the US team has a player named Destinee Hooker.  I just want to say WHAT THE HECK were her parents thinking?  Did they lose a bet?  Were they conducting some sort of sociological experiment?  Did her moms water break as they were driving through the Red Light district?  Literally that is the worst name I have ever heard.  There is no coming back from that name.  Her parents, in one fell swoop, managed to give her a name that evokes images of a prostitute and a stripper.  All I know is that if Shane ever brings home a girl named Destinee Hooker, he is either getting A) Punched in the face, B) Disowned, or C) Punched in the face and then disowned.  

HANDBALL:

France beat Norway in women's handball.  Apparently this is a huge upset, since Norway is like the Chicago Bulls of handball.  See, this is why you watch the Olympics.  Now that I know this, I can't imagine how I lived life without knowing that Norway excels at womens handball.  Anyways, handball is like the America of sports- a melting pot of other games- a lot of basketball mixed with some soccer and hockey- and dodgeball.  Like America, it's awesome. 

Side tangent #2- I'm finding out that the phrase 'World Cup' does not belong to soccer alone.  Apparently every sport has a World Cup.  And I just think, there's already a World Cup-level event.  It's called soccer.  You can have Bowl, or Fondue, or Serving Spoon- but please.  Nobody cares about your sport other than the parents who shelled out thousands of dollars so you could maybe go to the Olympics.  Have some decency and leave the Cup moniker to the real sports.  End tangent.

ARCHERY:

I have never watched competitive archery before, and after watching South Korea (another mystery dynasty) defeat China in the women's final, I just have to ask myself- why?  THIS SPORT IS AWESOME!!!  It's like Legolas versus Hawkeye versus Robin Hood, but for reals.  It was amazingly intense, every archer seeming to come up with a clutch shot- if football is a game of inches, then archery has to be a game of centimeters.  Plus, there was a camera placed head-on with the archers.  How big do your stones have to be to be operating a camera face-to-face with an archer? 

ROWING:

I watched some rowing.  Other than hearing that a Grand Valley State graduate was on one of the women's teams, I really don't have much to say about this sport other than I can see why it's so popular among the Ivy League schools.  When you're smarter than everybody else, you get to partake of the frivolities that the rest of us find incredibly boring.

BASKETBALL:

I watched the NBA all-stars US men defeat France by lots, a little bit of Spain/China, and the first quarter trainwreck that was the US women and that European team that they played.  Not much I can say that hasn't been said about the US mens team- they're obviously very talented, but watching blowout basketball is not very compelling.  Indeed, I was washing dishes while this game was on, which should tell you how non-must-see-TV this game was.  I've watched a couple of the US games, and the talking heads of sports, and everybody is talking about our weaknesses while we blow teams away by 20+ points every game.  Sure, this years team is no Dream Team- but at what point do we stop trying to manufacture some drama and just watch the hurricane blow through the opposition?

The US womens game though...that was different.  I was all in for this game, not because it was compelling.  Actually, it was so bad that it became compelling.  Like you were rooting for the US to pitch a shut-out level compelling.  Like you were rooting for the US to win a close game after while scoring less than 40 points.  Seriously, this game set womens basketball back fifty years, easy.  I've never been a huge womens basketball fan- this may sound sexist, and I apologize for that, but I feel that guys just do it better.  They are faster, stronger, and jump higher.  Sure, women may do some of the fundamental things better (which I realize may be a stereotypical/generalist argument), but it's not more exciting.  I enjoy basketball, but I enjoy excitement more.  If I have to choose between basketball and exciting basketball, then it's a no-brainer.  I'm choosing NBA 2k11 on the PS3.

SWIMMING:

Thanks to Michael Phelps, swimming is as trendy as it has ever been and will probably ever be.  Me?  Not buying.  It's still just people swimming fast in a pool.  I will say this, though- as a habitual nose plugger, I'm super impressed with how these swimmers aren't drowning all the time.  Seriously, how do they do that?  If I get a little bit of water through my nose, I'm making a dead sprint to the pool side so I can cough my lungs out.  Did I miss out on the gene that allows you to breathe underwater like a fish? 

One of the downsides of having an Olympics in a different time zone is that the TV coverage does not always match up with the real time.  That means that I knew Michael Phelps did not medal pretty much before I even saw him qualify.  And I went upstairs last night so that I could see the US mens 4X100 relay team win the silver medal that MSN.com had already told me about.  Swimming is already not exciting- but when the drama is completely eliminated, I realize that I really don't care about swimming.  Period. 

Side tangent #3- I love watching these weird, non-familiar sports, and listening to all these commentators who are taking these sports much, much more seriously than I ever will with more insight and knowledge about them than I will ever have (or care to have).  The idea that these sports are happening somewhere in the world even when it's not the Olympics is still slightly mind-blowing for me.  It's like object permanence but with sports.

FIELD HOCKEY:

People playing hockey by running around on a hard floor- should be awesome, right?  WRONG.  I tried to watch the US womens team versus Germany but found that I couldn't.  It was pretty boring.  And I don't think it was because it was women's field hockey- I just don't think the sport is all that compelling.  It's way slower than ice hockey, which seems to negate any potential skill that could make the sport exciting.  Plus, I just kept thinking about their backs, and all that bending over, and I decided that watching field hockey is the poor mans version of watching somebody claw the chalkboard. 

BONUS:

While typing this blog, I watched a little bit of kayaking and found out that if your kayak capsizes and you pass through a gate, you are given a 50 second penalty.  Is that not the biggest d-bag penalty you could give out?  I mean, when a kayak capsizes, there's a legitimate chance that the person could drown, right?  So naturally, the best way to empathize is to dock them almost a minute of penalty time.  Here, you almost drowned AND we're making sure there's no way you can win.  In the kayaking world, is there that much of a concern that somebody would purposefully capsize their kayak in order to manipulate the course more successfully? 

I'm actually asking, I really don't know.  It just seems like an excessively harsh penalty.  But I can't get too hung up on that- US versus Brazil in women's volleyball is on!!!

PIC- https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSDBOm7yzpg-F4eFP2bXnXDtsKTxcPUBFrqxF-1mGZmOBI8wvk59Ewonvpl_4LdAz4eL9dZjXfXy3IKz2G9gb5gCqxELBQXlFgYQ3q9BbcTtqqgoYzkbrRKoIHbvcBLaElFiStc0WJesM/s1600/936full-batman-begins-screenshot.jpg

How I met your clients

Have you ever watched 'How I Met Your Mother'?  If you haven't, then you should, because I watch it and it's the funniest show in the world.  I realize I'm only like six or seven years behind the bandwagon but hey- better late than never, right?

Anyways, this blog is not about that show, but it invokes a certain character from that show- namely, the show's main character, the "I" of "How I met your mother"- Ted Mosby.  Ted is the freaking man.  He's funny and charming and has a great job (that clearly lets him stay out until all hours of the night and engage in endless shenanigans with Doogie Howser) and is cute and...well, you get the picture.  If Ted Mosby was a real person, then he would always win People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive who is not Jason Parks award (not to be confused with the Sexist Man Alive) and wannabes like Ryan Reynolds and George Clooney would end up stuck in a sidebar somewhere on the cover of Weekly Us.

Like that'll ever happen

So before I get swept away in some bizarre romantic fantasy involving me and a fictional dude, allow me to sort of explain how I plan to tie the character of Ted Mosby into my ongoing and thus far fruitless pursuit of a real-life social work job.  Because I'm totally going to do it, and you're totally going to be like, 'whoa'.

See, Keanu Reeves- he gets it

7 year spoiler alert- in the Pilot of HImym, Ted meets this really funny, charming, hot girl named Robin, and after a super first date, they're up in her apartment, dancing to really romantic music (did I mention it's like 1 in the morning) and Ted tells Robin that he loves her.  Apparently, this is a huge first date no-no, and so the romantic moment ends, Ted walks away- but not before dropping this totally inspirational nugget:
- "You know what? I'm done being single, I'm not good at it. Look, obviously you can't tell a woman you just met that you love her, but it sucks that you can't. I'll tell you something though, if a woman, not you, just some hypothetical woman, were to bear with me through all this, I think I'd make a damn good husband, because that's the stuff I'd be good at. Stuff like making her laugh and being a good father and walking her five hypothetical dogs. Being a good kisser.."

And I think that's when it hit me- I'm like the Ted Mosby of social work.  I'm the guy that would make some human service agency an amazing social worker who is super fun to work with, helps people, and is good at his job.  These past couple years of post-grad living have been like my employment bachelorhood- fun jobs, nothing long term- but now I'm ready for The One.  I'm ready for that commitment.  I'm ready to meet Your Mom.

Good one!

So basically this blog is going to be like an internet cover letter.  It'll cover all the stuff that a cover letter would probably cover, but without the rote formalities and big words that a normal cover letter would have- plus it has pictures.

PICTURES!!!

Before I begin- slight sidebar.  I think that there should be an eHarmony for jobs. Like someone figures out a scientific formula where you answer a bunch of questions and then an employer answers a bunch of questions and your composite scores get matched up based on compatibility.  I just think it'd make more sense than the whole application/resume/interview song and dance that we do, which is very antiquated- it's like going on a blind date, except you're competing with a bunch of other people like an episode of the Bachelor, but you only get one date (two, tops) before having to decide if you want to get married.  Maybe that's why there is such high turnover rate in some jobs and other people stay in places where they clearly aren't happy.

Maybe they have a top-notch benefits package...

Okay, so I'm going to get this started by listing the things that I'm...not.  I'm not going to be a polished professional right off the bat.  I've never been the best at jargon.  I definitely don't have lots of experience- my human service career has largely been filled with hands-on direct-care positions, which means that even though I've still developed a Bat-belt of social work abilities, I've been doing slightly different work in a different setting than my social work peers have been doing.

But let me tell you what I am- besides a good father and a good kisser.

'Sup.

First of all, I'm smart.  Not like, Mensa-smart or anything like that, but pretty darn smart.  I graduated from Northern Michigan University with a 3.97 that probably could have been a 4.0.  I did this while working and helping raise two young children.  I'm sure I'm not unique in this-but it's not a commonality either.  Actually, scratch that.  I accomplished something that has never ever been done before.  I guess I'm also like the Neil Armstrong of social work or something.  Whatevs.  Just another accolade at this point.

I'm able to look at things objectively and from multiple angles.  Life doesn't happen like some linear script- it's more like a lottery ball machine, with a myriad of events and people all jostling around and resulting in interesting things with the faux appearance of randomness.  So not only do I recognize that things aren't often what they seem- I actively seek out tributaries that might not seem to attach to the big river.  Because chances are, they might.

But I also know that I don't know everything- and often times I feel like I don't know anything. So I have the humility to learn from others- including my clients, who are really the experts in their life stories.  I'm not afraid to ask questions or to dig a little deeper.  If I have an area of weakness, I exploit it by trying to improve it.  In college, I took a Gay/Lesbian history class because I recognized that I had a prejudice in this area.  I went in with a (not as much as I thought I had) open mind and learned quite a bit.  I also made a great friend who happens to be a lesbian.  The moral of the story?  I'm awesome.

But this awesomeness didn't just happen like some sort of freak lab accident.  I have a life story of my own, with its own trials and tribulations.  I've been poor.  From the get-go, life has been tough.  Sara and I jumped into marriage as a couple of naive kids strung out on Peter Cetera songs and romantic comedies- which probably would have been fine if we hadn't got pregnant right away and then decided to move into a group home four months into our marriage.  Can you say "Cluster of Stressors"?

Even though life has been tough the last few years, and I feel like we've had to scratch and claw for everything, I also wouldn't trade it for anything (unless it was a few million dollars) because I believe that I've learned from it.  And while I know my story doesn't translate into a cure-all, I think it will help me to not only be more empathetic to my clients- but to also to be able to meet them where they're at (and treat them with dignity and respect).

Did I mention that I'm a husband and a father?  That means something.  Obviously it means that I am motivated to keep my job, since wives and children are expensive to upkeep.  But also, it means that I have a sense of commitment and the ability to work through difficult issues.  While I wouldn't often classify myself as a "selfless" person, I engage in varying degrees of personal sacrifice every day that I'm alive.  It's not always easy and I don't always do the best job- but at the end of the day my family knows that I love them dearly and would do anything for them.  Just like I will your clients, hypothetical future employer.

There's so much more that I could say about myself.  My unconventional path has given me the skills and tools I need to be good at what I do.  And obviously you've picked up that I have a great sense of humor and am an above-average writer.  Both of those are merely latent traits in the overall package that is Jason Parks.  I guarantee that if you give me a job and pay me money- I will be a darn good social worker.  Probably not the best ever- but I'll give you my best, and you'll never even need to say thank you.

As long as your insurance covers chronic hoarseness

PICS-
Weekly US- http://img1.bdbphotos.com/images/orig/f/9/f924btnpo7nento2.jpg
Bill and Teds- http://i4.ytimg.com/vi/OT4B-NJUcZE/0.jpg
High five- http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ZytdDbL_DZU/T3R_qolQPvI/AAAAAAAAACQ/RH0RUUALq0s/s1600/internet_high_five-2496.jpg
Ridiculously photogenic guy- http://knowyourmeme.com/photos/283598-ridiculously-photogenic-guy-zeddie-little
Wedding- http://devasuram.files.wordpress.com/2009/04/worst-wedding-photo-4.jpg
Batman- https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSDBOm7yzpg-F4eFP2bXnXDtsKTxcPUBFrqxF-1mGZmOBI8wvk59Ewonvpl_4LdAz4eL9dZjXfXy3IKz2G9gb5gCqxELBQXlFgYQ3q9BbcTtqqgoYzkbrRKoIHbvcBLaElFiStc0WJesM/s1600/936full-batman-begins-screenshot.jpg

Lost: a spider-man sock, or a reason to exist?

When you become a parent, you realize very quickly that have been given a human blank slate with zero instruction.  It's tremendous pressure to be sure- another persons life is solely and completely in your hands.  If you don't realize what a big deal that is, you haven't been paying attention.

Possibly because you've been too busy cutting your own hair

It's also pretty exciting though, when you realize that you have also been handed a miniature 'you'.  This is your chance to relive childhood, to buy all those GI Joes that your parents would never buy you, to watch TV shows based on comic book heroes and all this can be yours- if you can make it through the first couple of years, when they're watching crap like Dora, and Max and Ruby.   Note: It ain't easy.  It's kind of like watching someone gouge out your eyes and then use them to scrape the chalkboard in twenty minute segments.

The problem is that one day, your kids will grow up and start to (gulp) develop their own identities.  And ideas about what is actually cool.  There's a chance (however small) that all those early attempts at socialization and personality shaping will backfire, and suddenly your household of Red Wings fans has yielded some Blackhawks bastard spawn and you're watching game 6 of the Western Conference finals wondering what the hell just happened.  That's why, as a parent, I have to make sure that doesn't happen.  That's why I bought Shane this pair of Spider-man socks.

Aside from being the coolest socks ever (I know, right?),  these socks are a symbol of the struggle that I have waged to make my children in my image.  Just like Spider-man battled with the alien symbiote (and also his baser nature) and reemerged as a more awesome Spider-man, Shane and Delaney have wrestled with the entertainment advances of their father and come out on the other side as little daddylytes.  Brings a tear to my eye just thinking about all of the awesomeness that I have been propagating.

Something happened a few weeks ago though that completely rocked my world, shook me to the core, and threatened my very existence.  We lost the socks.  Well, we lost one of the socks, but that's basically like losing both socks.  Socks are like swans- they mate for life, and if one of the mates is lost, then you throw the other one away because it's a worthless piece of junk.   

I held on to hope for the last three weeks, believing that the missing mate would turn up in the laundry or in one of the kids toy boxes...waiting for a ransom note or a call from the dastardly villain that stole that precious piece of my soul...but as we boxed up our belongings and moved to a different home, and gradually unpacked all of the kids things, I slowly began to come to grips with the fact that the sock was gone...forever.  Must have got teleported to Battleworld for some sort of Secret Sock Wars or something super important.  Obviously. (sniff)

I know it's stupid to get attached to anything material- especially something belonging to your children and ESPECIALLY socks and ESPECIALLY socks purchased from the dollar section at Target.  It's just...it was such a cool looking sock, cooler than either pair of Batman socks or the Ferb socks and almost as cool as the Perry the Platypus socks.  Besides the physical sock itself, there's a chance that as Shane grows up, he'll forget all about Spider-man and super heroes and grow up liking shows like Teen Wolf and reading books about knitting and just generally being as anti-me as a man can be.

Which means he'll probably grow up to be a, you know, man

I'm sure I could wax poetic about how throwing away this sock is symbolic of my children and how they're growing older, or materialism, or tie it into life and relationships, or even making the best out of a bad situation (like being bitten by a radioactive spider, for instance).  Maybe one day I will.  But right now, the grief is still too near.

Goodbye, Spider-man socks.  I'll miss you, old friends.

PIC- Brittney Spears- http://static.poponthepop.com/images/gallery/britney-spears-bald-head-shaving-head-photo.jpg
Stephen Jackson- http://cdn.bleacherreport.net/images_root/slides/photos/001/388/288/stephen_jackson_display_image.jpg?1317846729

Still alive, mostly

Hello world,

I don't really have anything to say right now.  It's just that time of year, when I go for a long spell without any communication and then all of a sudden *POOF* into existence again to give you your quarterly fix of Jason Parks.

I realize I'm way behind on things- my Fantasy Football wrap up still is waiting in the wings.  Unfortunately I have no real time table for them- creatively I'm running on the fumes of 2010 here, so I can't promise when I might be so inspired as to deliver my usual Grade-A-wesomeness in literary form. 

Life has been ridiculously busy.  I'm basically working 7 days a week- which for you math majors out there means that yes, I am working every single day.  I have periodic days off at the school (thanks God for those snow days a few weeks ago), but I'll have a consistently full schedule until the summer.  While that will be good for our bank account, it won't be as good for my blog account.  Of course, that's what the world cares about.  Right?

Honestly, today is the first time I've thought about my blog in a couple weeks.  So I suppose that me writing this is perhaps a step in a positive direction towards reconnecting with myself in the arena of words.  Or maybe I just had a spark of inspiration that will just as quickly fizzle into nothingness.  Stay tuned!

Lately I've been watching professional wrestling, which is good for the soul.  It makes me feel like a man to watch muscled dudes confront other muscled dudes and wear tiny clothing and jump around and beat each other up.  I'm pretty sure my testosterone levels have gone through the roof.  One really cool thing that's come out of my newest craze is the wrestling video game I bought has enabled me to connect with my kids.

Yes, you read that correctly.  A wrestling video game has deepened the parent-child bond in the Parks household.

See, I downloaded some previously created wrestlers that you might have heard of- Incredible Hulk.  Thor.  Spider-man.  Superman.  Captain America.  Batman.  No, they aren't wrestlers in the traditional sense.  But someone made them for a wrestling game, and I downloaded them, and now I have tons of fun watching Royal Rumbles involving the Avengers.  How cool is that!  Plus, I give them all custom theme songs that my kids are growing attached to.  Do you know how deeply it warms my heart to have my children request that we listen to 'Walk' by Pantera in the car before school?

IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOU KNOW (sorry.  Channeling my inner The Rock there). 

Anyways, that's what I've been up to.  Work and wrestling.  As time frees up, interests will vary and I'll begin writing again in earnest.  I anxiously await your waiting with bated breath.

Love you all!

DC Stars defense

Last time I trotted out Superman the offense that the DC Stars would utilize to win the gridiron battle between the comic industrys' big two.  Today, I present their defense.  It isn't as pretty as the O, but as you will soon see, it is very capable of delivering a serious case of smack-down.

Pictures are taken from comicvine.com.  Measurables are taken from the DC Wiki.  Commentary is borrowed from the Hive Mind. 

Defensive end- Bane
6'8", 350 lbs

Ordinarily, I'm not one to advocate the use of performance enhancing drugs.  But this guy is as smart as Batman.  He can lift up to three tons when he's juicing.  So if I'm DC, I want him on the field at any cost.  ANY cost.  If that means a little Venom-drip on the sidelines between series, well then that's what has to happen.  Besides, Hulk has to get angry to release his powers, and I'm pretty sure that anger is a sin just like cheating is. 

Nose tackle- Doomsday
8'10", 915 lbs

Dude killed Superman.  Need I say more?

Defensive end- Kalibak
7'9", 810 lbs

More than physical attributes, most football talking heads praise the "non-stop motors" of defensive linemen.  A defensive lineman with a non-stop motor can singlehandedly disrupt an offense by forcing the QB to try and make plays outside their comfort zone.  Kalibak is one of those rare players who has both impressive physical skills and a non-stop motor.  And the reason that he has a non-stop motor is because he has constantly trying to impress his apathetic father, Darkseid.  Despite constantly having his affections rebuffed, poor old Kalibak will keep trudging out there, play after play, trying to sack the QB to get that long-desired 'attaboy' from his emotionally distant father.

Outside linebacker- Grodd
6'6", 600 lbs

Inside linebacker- Solovar
Unlisted height, weight

Inside linebacker- Ultra-humanite
7', 600 lbs

There is a reason I chose three anthropomorphic apes for linebackers on the Marvel D, and it isn't just because I'm lazy and didn't want to write about all of them (although...).  Just think about the physical attributes of a gorilla.  They're extremely strong and agile.  Gorillas are non-territorial, but will fight to defend their troop (in this case, the DC Stars defensive unit).  Then you factor in that gorillas already have a high level of natural intelligence, and these Three Amigo-rillas have enhanced genius intellect and assorted super powers.  Think 'Congo' but on the football field and field position instead of diamonds. 

Outside linebacker- Black Adam
6'3", 250 lbs

All you have to know is that this guy can go toe-to-toe with Superman.  But I'll tell you more.  Black Adam has all of the abilities you'd look for in a linebacker- speed, strength, a chip on his shoulder, and the ability to summon magical lightning.  Oh, and he is a vicious tackler.  Forget about trying to separate the ball from the ballcarrier- Black Adam has that old school disposition of trying to separate the ball-carrier from the ball carrier.  And this will come in handy for the Stars.  Football is largely a mental game played out in a physical arena.  As such, the ability to dictate what your opponent does because you're "in their head" is a huge advantage that transcends measurables.  Black Adam will play the role of football bouncer.  Nightcrawler getting a little cocky after a big play?  He won't be showboating after Black Adam rips his tail off.  Black Panther gets a first down and channels his inner Roy Williams?

Not that Roy Williams.  Although I'm sure he channels this Roy in the bathrooms of Wakanda.

Um, no.  Wait, what?  No.  NO. 

Closer, but this Roy plays defense.  Or at least he used to, before his career went in the toilet.

There we go.  First down, Marvel!

If Black Panther tries this stunt, then Black Adam will grab his arm and remove it from his body.  Will Marvel most likely end up with a first down due to a personal foul penalty? Yup. But in a game of this magnitude, if you have a chance to trade 15 yards for a ballcarriers arm, you take the 15 yards.  NOTE: I am not condoning the ripping out of people's arms in normal football.  But do what you have to do

Cornerback- Mr. Freeze
6', 190 lbs

I realize that Mr. Freeze is much to slow to play football- shoot he's probably too slow for shuffleboard.  But I don't need Mr. Freeze to be a speedy corner- I just need him to jam receivers at the line.  And by 'jam receivers, I mean 'shoot them with his freezey ray gun'.  As effective as a physical corner can be in the five yard box with jamming receivers and disrupting timing, imagine a corner who can literally freeze a wideout before he gets into his route.

Cornerback- Plastic Man
6'1", 178 lbs (variable height)

It would have been easy to just stick him over on offense as a WR, a la Mr. Fantastic. Of course, with my situational omnipotence, it is just as easy to plug him on on defense specifically to stop Mr. Fantastic. I guess I just figured that Plastic Man is sort of a goofball, and I'm afraid that Superman would get pissed off at his antics and just throw the football so hard at his head that Plastic Man would instantly disintegrate and release all that Bisphenol A into the air, and I just don't think anyone wants to deal with that sort of public relations backlash.

Safety- Deathstroke
6'4", 225 lbs

A literal hitman, Deathstroke has enhanced strength and reflexes and the ability to use 90% of his brain.  While this actually might not be as impressive as Wikipedia would like us to believe, it would still is probably a good 85-90% more than most football players are able to use.  Yes, I made a joke about football players being stupid.

Safety- Nightwing
5'10", 175 lbs

Look, just because I wanted Batman studying film in the Batcave and preparing a foolproof gameplan doesn't mean that I don't want him out on the field too.  And what better way to get the best of both worlds than to have Nightwing on the roster?  Batman's most successful disciple has many of the impressive physical and mental abilities that Batman does, but without all the psychological issues.

Defensive coordinator- Brainiac 13

Perhaps more than talent, the best weapon for a defense is preparation.  If they can know what the offense is going to do it is much easier for them to keep the offense from doing it.  With all of the brilliant minds in the DCU, there are dozens of candidates who could pour over film and discern tendencies within formations and situations.  But this type of study would take hours, and probably be flawed by human subjection.  Brainiac 13 could analyze all the film and calculate probabilities in a matter of seconds without the interference of a conscious mind. Sure, his main goal is the eradication of all life forms- but you have to take the bad with the good.  Kind of like marriage, except normally your wife's main ambition is not to wipe you out from existence (although you'd think so, what with all the nagging she does).

That concludes our look at the rosters of the Marvel Machine and the DC Stars.  The stage is now set.  The pieces are in play.  Events have been put into motion.  So how does this all play out?  I'll tell you- next week. 

PIC-
Roy Williams- http://mnjails.info/images2/ernest-roy-williams-1103602.jpg
Roy Williams (coach)- http://www.midwestsportsfans.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/10/roy-williams.jpg
Roy Williams (DB)- http://sports.popcrunch.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/06/roy-williams.jpg
Roy Williams (WR)-http://old.dallasnews.com/sharedcontent/dws/pt/photos/2009/09/090913_NS_13WilliamsSignal.jpg

Marvel vs. DC- The DC Stars (offense)

Last week, I entered into a great philosophical debate with myself about which comic book superheroes would make for great football players.  It wasn't pretty- tempers flared, hurtful words words were exchanged, a hit may or may not have been ordered, but in the end, I (we?) agreed on a cohesive, dominant Marvel roster that would surely take on all comers.  At the very least, they should be able to take out the Minnesota Vikings (NFC North burn!). 

So for this week, I was charged with the task of finding for them a worthy adversary from their rival universe, DC.  And that's what I did.  Because I'm the taskMaster.  Not to be confused with the Taskmaster- he's a Marvel super-villian. 

And you know what makes me a super-villain?  Presentation!

Pictures are taken from comicvine.com.  Measurables are taken from the DC Wiki.  And commentary is taken from the mind of AWESOME!!!!


Quarterback- Superman
6'3", 235 lbs

Really I could have plugged Supes in just about anywhere and it would have made sense.  After all, he can pretty much do anything.  But I figured he would be a great QB for the DC Stars for a few reasons.

1. Faster than a speeding bullet.  That's pretty fast- but how fast is it exactly?  Let's figure this out.  One of the fastest guns I could find Internet information on is from the .220 Swift, which has a muzzle velocity of over 4,000 feet per second.  Using a simple formula I also found in cyberspace, (B*3600)/5280, where B=bullet speed in feet/second, 3,600=number of seconds in an hour, and 5,280=number of feet in a mile, that comes out to about 2,727 miles per hour (mph).  When you figure that most police officers will give you cushion of about 10 mph, you are looking at a speeding bullet going around 2,740 mph.  And Superman is faster!
2. More powerful than a locomotive.  Fact: Locomotives are now commonly referred to as "trains".  That's pretty strong.  Combined with his amazing speed, trying to tackle Superman would probably be like trying to tackle a semi-truck that was traveling at the speed of light.  Or a train traveling at the speed of a bullet.  Either way- Superman is more powerful!
3. Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound.  I don't know if that will help him on a football field, but it sure will help him out at the combine.

Throw in his great vision (X-Ray and Heat), leadership, and strong arm (technically two strong arms. But we're going to assume that one of them throws like a girl), and you have a QB that gives DC the ability to move the football against any defense in a number of ways.  Shotgun, spread, option, pro style, swinging gate, single wing- you name it and Supes can make it happen. 


Besides- weren't those dreamy eyes made to scan defenses and read coverages?

How can I be expected to tackle you, Superman- you are just too beautiful!

Runningback- Sinestro
6'7", 205 lbs

Being a Detroit Lions fan in my formative football years, I was annually treated to the joy that was watching Barry Sanders run.  Of particular joy to me was to read and listen to all the really smart football guys, coaches and defensive players on other teams talk about how they hated playing against Barry.  They would say things about how they "couldn't sleep" and the thought of playing against him "gave them nightmares".

So when assembling the DC roster, I eschewed the normal attributes for a RB, and thought- What if the RB could literally inspire fear in the defense?  What if he actually drew his power from the fear of each and every living creature across the known universe- and he could harness that fear as light energy through a special piece of jewelry?  Thus Sinestro became a part of the team.  I'm sure athletically he'll be fine (even though with those proportions I'm worried about the Hulk snapping him like a toothpick), but his ability to strike literal fear into the defense will go a long way in covering up any sort of deficiency in his abilities.  Besides, this is really Superman's show.  The other players are just there to make him look good.  Not that it is a difficult thing to do.

(Faints)

Fullback- Kilowog
7'8", 720 lbs

Aside from being a hulking behemoth in his own right, Kilowog has a Green Lantern Ring, which means that he can pretty much make anything his mind can conceive of.  Could that come in handy?  Ya think?  Seriously, think of the implications- need to stay in and block for the QB? Brick wall! Can't quite reach that outlet pass? Giant pair of hands! Seconds ticking away to victory? Tub of Gatorade!

Wide receiver- Flash
6', 195 lbs

Have you watched the Patriots at all this year? I sure have- because Tom Brady is my Fantasy Football QB.  And my Fantasy Football team is awesome.  Did you really think I would go this whole series without mentioning Fantasy Football?  Anyways, if you've followed the Pats, you've seen the kind of damage that mighty-mite Wes Welker has been able to inflict on opposing defenses.  Now imagine if Welker could run Mach 10, vibrate through solid objects, and harness the power of the Speed Force.  Not that Bill Belichik would care- he'd still probably try to spread the ball around like the offense is some complex game of hot potato.

Wide receiver- Aquaman
6'1, 325 lbs

With so many speedsters in the DCU (our Flash is Barry Allen, by the way.  I'm not sure why there are so many different Flashes), why have Aquaman at the other WR position?  Why not put another DC speedster out there?  Maybe Zoom?  Or how about Professor Zoom?  Kid Zoom  Kid Flash?  Black Flash?  Max Mercury? 

Because I wanted to be a little more creative than that.  And what's more creative than putting an Atlantean sea-dweller who has a prosthetic left hand that is usually a sword into a land-based game at a position that usually requires two hands?  That's pretty freaking creative, eh?  Besides, on this team Aquaman is a glorified third tackles.  I mean, look at who our QB is.  Seriously, look at him. 

Lock eyes, from across the room...

Tight end- Amazo
8'5", 385 lbs

Amazo, on the other hand, will probably be like Jimmy Graham or Rob Gronkowski on this team and catch tons of passes for lots of yards and touchdowns.  You should know that I have both of those TEs on my Fantasy Football team.  And my team is awesome- just sayin'!  In addition to being really tall, Amazo is notable for his ability to replicate the powers of any meta-human he comes in contact with.  This opens up an entire world of options on the offense.  Think about Amazo.  Now think about the Marvel defense.  Now think about Amazo replicating any of their powers- do you see why this is amazing?  Or should I say- Amazoing? 

Tackle- Swamp Thing
Variable height, weight

Swamp Thing has his own set of skills and abilities which are probably all fine and dandy.  But he is really only here because of his ability to speak to, influence, and manipulate plant life.  Quick botany lesson- grass is a plant.  So not only do the Marvel defenders have to worry about what the DC offense is doing, they have to worry about what the grass is doing. 

Guard- Clayface
5'11", 180 lbs (variable with mass)

Center- Big Barda
7'0", 197 lbs

Guard- Beast Boy
5'8", 150 lbs (variable)

I want to talk about the interior of the DC offensive line as one.  Partly because the three of them have some physical similarities that would seem to make them poor choices to serve as interior offensive linemen, and partly because I'm tired of writing about offensive linemen.  Oh, excuse me- offensive linepeople.  At first glance, these three don't fit the dimensions of a typical guard or center.  Clayface is 180?  Beast Boy, a whopping 150 lbs?  And the 7' Big Barda is all of 197 lbs?  Does DC realize how ridiculous it is to have a 7'0" chick that weights less than 200 lbs?  She'd look like this:


Uh, okay Manute- you see that big, angry, 1400 lbs green guy over there?  On the next play, you block him.

But on this line, with this team, size doesn't matter.  Let's be clear here- the offense is predicated on Superman either running some sort of read-option play or firing a quick slant/WR screen to the Flash.  So the Stars don't really need maulers in the trenches.  They just need lineme..sorry, linepeople to interfere with and annoy the defense.  Clayface can muck up any sort of defensive interference.  Big Barda might have Barbie-like proportions, but she's Superman-strong and also has Apokolyptian combat training.  Beast Boy, in addition to literally being annoying, can transform into any animal in the history of ever.  He could transform into a woolly mammoth for those short yardage plays or into a green crow to fly in the face of the defender on a screen pass. 
I know, I know- I'm brilliant.  You don't have to wait, you can tell me now.

Tackle- Alloy
Unknown

Rounding out the offensive line is Alloy, a little-known character from an alternate future.  All you have to know is that he is most likely tall and is formed by all of the Metal Men combining together.  That's where he gets his name.  Alloy.  Because he's an alloy.  Yeah, I'm tired of writing about the O-line.

Kicker/Punter- Green Arrow
6'2", 195 lbs

Pretty much insert whatever I wrote about Bullseye in the Marvel article and put it here, except replace 'sociopath who can turn any object into a weapon and is renowned for his deadly accuracy' with 'playboy millionaire politician with leftist leanings'.  Actually, I guess you could just repeat the quote, verbatim.

Kick/punt returns- Superman and Flash.  Again with the obvious.

Head coach- Batman

You're probably surprised that I didn't suit up Batman given his years of martial arts training, special gadgets, and enhanced levels of strength and endurance.  But as great as Batman is in the arena, he's perhaps more devastating outside of it.  His meticulous preparation and legendary detective skills will serve him best in the film room, as he analyzes secretly obtained video footage of the Marvel practices. Give him a week, and he can figure out a way to beat the Marvel Machine. Give him two weeks- there's no way DC can lose.

Offensive coordinator- Lex Luthor

Lex here got the OC gig for a couple reasons.  First of all, he's always trying to pull some crazy real estate schemes.  Well isn't that what football is?  Just a series of choreographed skirmishes designed to take control of or defend bits of territory?  Second, who knows Superman's weaknesses better than Luthor?  As long as we can convince him that they're working together just for right now, he can put together a gameplan to take full advantage of Supermans' strengths and stay away from his weaknesses...like cheerleaders.

Trust me Clark- stay away from women.  They come from strange planets and will sap you of your strength.

So who does DC plan to employ to stop the high-powered Marvel attack?  Tune in on Friday to know for sure!

Non-comicvine PICS- Clark (football)-http://26.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_l8z7ucfHOo1qb2sdzo1_500.jpg
Clark- http://media.comicvine.com/uploads/1/12780/640067-tom_welling_super.jpg
Clark 2- https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHg5jgWTo-_emJ_RmBnbF6Lzea78VTSl6GKyHixhmmG9NIfa9WWnJK85CDsIOL1DFy96V8LQby2TjmCP7obVcEgXKhisyUQhDO1yfh6sK_awubZWLldk3XQZOVjjqw9Q6MVLiwqW2Lye8/s1600/tom-welling+(1).jpg
Manute Bol- http://socialightent.files.wordpress.com/2010/06/061910-manute-bol-gallery-sw-9_20100619150512_600_400.jpg
Lana Lang- http://assets.nydailynews.com/img/2009/09/17/gal_cheer_smallville_kristin-kreuk.jpg