A world worth living in? One man's quest to take hyperbole to new heights.

For those who don't follow sports, the Miami Heat beat the Oklahoma City Thunder last night in the NBA Finals to go up 3 games to 1 in their best of 7 series.  With the next game in Miami, there is a really good chance that LeBron James will be a World Champion by this weekend.

And I don't know how I feel about that.

Let me back up- I know how I feel about that.  I don't like it- at all.  I am sick and tired of LeBron.  Honestly, I've never not been sick and tired of LeBron.  I've rooted for his failure pretty much since he came into the league.  I watched with a particular glee last summer as the Dallas Mavericks added to his history of Finals failures.  I think I read every single news piece about LeBron's 4th quarter failures like some sort of bizarro proud papa.  I cheer Skip Bayless (Skip Bayless!) every time he says "Prince" James in that condescendingly sarcastic tone of voice.  Now, as he stands on the brink of vanquishing his playoff demons and engraving his name onto the pages of history- I find myself wrestling with how I'm processing this particular event.

Because the thought of LeBron having a championship is affecting me way, WAY more than it should.  Not enough to make me want to jump off of a building or cause property destruction or anything like that- but I am realizing that there is part of me, however small (I do not know), that has derived some sense of identity from LeBron James' failures, a conscience fueled by schadenfreude.  The closer LeBron James gets to his first title, the stronger those little, subtle punches to the gut become.

And I know how I feel about that- it's sort of sickening.  Because really, nothing changes for me in a post-LeBron championship world other than I now have to view LeBron through a different lens.  But he'll still be a world-famous, multi-millionaire athlete- and I'll still be Jason Parks, playing Angry Birds and writing blogs that no one reads.

So why do I care so much?  Is it because I'm a fan?  Maybe, but I'm not so sure.  In this instance, I'm not really rooting for a specific team, I'm just rooting for teams that play LeBron.  So I guess you could say I'm an anti-fan (LeBron fans might refer to me as a 'hater').  Instead of rooting for a specific team to win, I'm cheering for a specific player to lose.

Messed up, I know.  I take solace in the fact that I'm not alone.  Many people around the world dislike LeBron with as little reason (or less, if that can be believed) as I have.  Of course, many people just as mindlessly like LeBron.  Or at least, LeBron the name brand.  How funny that we can attach such strong emotions (on both sides) to people with such little interaction with them.

Truthfully it isn't just LeBron though.  I've always been this way when it comes to high profile athletes.  Michael Jordan was my first anti-fan association.  Brett Favre is on the list too, as well as Tom Brady (although after leading my Fantasy Football team to it's best showing ever, he's probably off this list), Emmitt Smith, Eric Lindros and Sidney Crosby.  On a more mezzo-level, you can throw in the Yankees, Duke and North Carolina (hoops), Ohio State (all sports)- and that's pretty much it.  I think.

I'd like to say that my disdain for these individuals/teams is because somehow I'm this extraordinary free-thinking spirit who despises being told who is good/who to like and carves out my own path.  But nope- because anytime a player (or team) comes along that is heads above his peers, my anti-fandom comes poking his head out like those creepy tongue-thingies out of the Sarlacc pit.

Besides, I do recognize that there's at least a bit of homerism that factors in.  Obviously Ohio State is U-M's biggest rivals- that's why they get scorn.  Duke and North Carolina each waged war with the Wolverines in the NCAA finals during my early formative years as a hoops fan (which explains why their fellow blue bloods Kentucky and UCLA get a pass).  Brett Favre played against the Lions twice a year, was voted MVP during Barry Sanders' 2,000 yard season (a travesty), and had some really obnoxious fans at Bullock Creek High School.  Emmitt was Sanders' RB position rival, and I still haven't fully accepted him as the all-time NFL rushing champ.  Tom Brady beat the St. Louis Rams in the Super Bowl when I was all over their bandwagon like ugly on Steven Tyler.

Who is undoubtedly the ugliest woman I have ever seen

Some hypocrisy plays a role too.  For instance, Alex Ovechkin, Peyton Manning, Dwyane Wade, Carmelo Anthony, Aaron Rodgers, the Boston Red Sox, Tim Tebow- the list goes on of athletes who have received similar (if not even more) accolades and adoration to athletes/teams that I've despised.  Yet I don't root against those dudes.  I was quite ambivalent when the Red Sox won their first World Series back in 2004, and I actually sort of rooted for Manning and Rodgers in their Super Bowl wins.  So why, when I have no immediately available vested interest, do I cheer some and jeer others?

I think multi-faceted, the answer is.

Coming did not you that one see

1) Humility/underdog status- perceived or factual- plays a role.  Manning, for example, comes across as just a hard-working normal guy who gets by because of his insane amount of preparation instead of any God-given natural talent.  Sure, he was a top overall pick (whereas Favre was a second rounder) and highly touted coming into college- but I've perceived him (and his ridiculously awkward throwing motion) as more of a humble underdog than Favre, who seems more natural throwing the ball and obviously more of a dominant personality.

Same thing with Wade.  Yes, he was top-five NBA pick.  However, he seemed (at least to me) to come out of nowhere after leading Marquette University (a non-traditional power) to the Final Four.  Wade is quite possibly just as big of a prima-donna as James is, but because he didn't get on the cover of ESPN the magazine as a high school junior (and he's much more of a quiet personality than James), he has gotten a pass (for the most part).

So obviously part of it is how these guys are packaged to me through the eyes of the media and my perceptions of those packages.  I don't think that explains it fully though, hence thought number deux...

2) Alpha-dog status.  Over the past year or so, I've been processing the human experience through more of a biological/animal perspective- which frankly has been fascinating.  I don't want to dredge up any evolution/creation debates- but it is interesting to think of our behavior as if we were just animals (instead of being some elevated form of life).

With this point of reference in mind, my seemingly irrational disdain for certain individuals/teams would actually be a manifestation of some biological function.  For instance, think about territorial animals.  It's pretty natural for them to be threatened by (and respond accordingly) to a bigger, stronger alpha-male that comes into their territory.  They won't spend too much time thinking about how glorious everyone else says those gleaming, sharp teeth are.  They don't really care about the other-worldly strength possessed by those powerful arms.  They just know that now some other dude wants in on that harem action, and by "wants in on", I mean "will probably kill me and take over".  Hard to be a fan in that instance.

So yeah, maybe I look at guys like LeBron and I'm threatened by their excellence, their self-confidence, their natural gifts and the abundance of their resources.  If life was a savage jungle, obviously LeBron James would be better prepared for 'survival' than I am, which is such a sad proposition that I cannot think about him in terms of his positive traits because I hate him for the food he is indirectly taking out of my stomach. 

Or something.

The reality is that these 'off-the-cuff' thoughts don't help me to come to grips with the fact that very soon, my identity as a sports fan is about to be shaken very severely and I have no idea what the landscape will look like when it's all said and done.  The only thing I know for sure is that there is still hope for the Thunder, and my obligation as a fan is to root them on to victory- even if that victory is currently sitting in the big, toothy, powerful jaws of defeat.

OH GOD I CAN'T STAND IT!!!!

PICS: Steven Tyler- http://www.eonline.com/eol_images/Entire_Site/20080521/300.tyler.steven.052108.jpg
Yoda- http://images.wikia.com/starwars/images/e/e0/Yoda_SWSB.jpg
LeBron- http://rickischultz.files.wordpress.com/2010/03/lebronjames.jpg

Baby I'm glad you're back

Last March I gave a beautiful, emotionally charged, and surprisingly insightful epitaph on my deceased relationship with basketball.  If you've frequented my blog, you know that any declarative statement of any type that I make is basically just a placeholder for the next time I change my mind.  I go back and forth more than Pong.  So you shouldn't be surprised when I say to you that I have fallen in love with basketball all over again.

I think a couple of things have fueled the rebirth of my basketball jones.  Reading Bill Simmons certainly played a big role.  He is undoubtedly my favorite sports writer, and the passion, wit, and intelligence with which he writes about basketball is super contagious.  In fact, I could probably point to the day I started reading his Book of Basketball as the day I began to come home to hoops (this is a hindsight call- at the time, I didn't realize it fully).  It was like 700 pages reminding me what I love about the game.

Actually, now that I think about it, Simmons is probably the whole reason that I came back to hoops.  It certainly wasn't the NBA itself.  Sure, last season was extremely compelling (with a sweet feeling at the end) but then they went into lockout mode and it looked like the season would be canceled (note: in sports labor disputes, I always root for seasons to be canceled- I just think it's good for perspective)...then the game came back and Simmons wrote a bajillion articles in a short period of time, and I was pretty much hooked.  So thanks, Bill.

Really though, I don't think it was too much of a stretch to get back into it- the love was not buried in an unmarked grave, and so rekindling it from its hibernation was surprisingly simple.  Indeed, as I wrote in my basketball eulogy-
Basketball has this beautiful cadence about it. The bouncing of the ball against the hard wood floor. The squeak of the tennis shoes. The swish of the net. And the eloquence of the motion- a crossover dribble, a behind the back pass, three pointers from the corner, a sweet pick-and-roll.

I think more than any other sport, basketball is woven into my DNA, and as much as I may try to, I'll never be completely rid of my need for it.  It's like my own Ring of Power.  Purchasing NBA 2k11 (probably the most realistic sports simulation EVER) pretty much sealed the deal- between Grantland.com and my PS3, I'll be able to maintain my basketball crush indefinitely.


Last nights Boston-Miami showdown also reinforced basketball as my sport du jour.  And as unlikely as this may seem, LeBron James was the main protagonist.  Not in a 'hahaha FAIL' way either- but by putting on a masterpiece of a performance in last nights Game 6 win against the Boston Celtics.  I've never been a LeBron fan- in fact, I previously wrote this about the social enigma:
He's not the first (or only) athlete to think and act like he's bigger than the game...but gosh darn it does he annoy me. The whole macho-angry-scowl thing, the talcum powder toss, the Decision, the complaining during his rookie year when he wasn't named to the all-star team- it's ridiculous.


I suppose I'll always be a "hater", but I can also see that James is far and away the best player of this generation.  Still, even with all of his accomplishments and accolades and statistical feats, I had never ever EVER seen anything from him (or any other player for that matter) like I witnessed last night.  Mind=blown.

The stat line is certainly impressive- 45 points on 19-26 shooting (2-4 from beyond the arc), 15 rebounds, 5 assists, played the first 45 minutes straight- and the historical context makes it even more so- elimination game, on the road, against his previous personal dementor, the Celtics...but did you see it?  LeBron was locked in like I've never seen him locked in before.  The macho-act was gone, replaced by a stone-cold stoicism more often seen in the greatest killer the world has ever known.

Although with those wrist blades, I'll bet it's really hard to catch a bounce pass

And without having to actively repress the gag impulses from James' tough guy act, I was able to appreciate his full arsenal of offensive prowess.  Dunks, lay-ups, catch-and-shoot jumpers, leaners, fade-aways, circus shots.  Every trick in the bag was money last night.  Every basketball player has those days when they're feeling it- where everything you throw up just seems to go in- it's just that most of us have those days in front of the white brick walls of our local community center gymnasium and not thousands of fans at TD Garden with the fate of our season in the balance.  James just kept hitting shot after off-balanced shot, while the Celtics were helplessly throwing up their hands and arms in order to squelch the fire.  On a pair of possessions in the second quarter, James drew shooting fouls on jump shots because the Celtics were literally throwing themselves at him in order to slow him down.  Again, it was breathtaking to behold.

And there were some big shots, too.  When I started watching the game, Boston was down 22-12, and that's pretty much where they stayed until the end- always hanging around that 8-12 point deficit, always threatening to make a move but never quite getting there- because of LeBron James.  Whenever Boston started to put a couple buckets and stops together, James would come down and make some dagger shot Miami would go on another mini-run.  It was unreal. 

I will never be a Heat fan because of this (I'm confident that unless you're a Miami homer, you won't be either after you watch the video) but I am a fan of beauty, and the way LeBron James played last night was so logically beautiful, so unemotionally brilliant, that I not only have to tip my hat to him, but I have to say I really enjoyed watching him play.  Rather, I got to see LeBron the basketball player play last night, and that is so much more awesome than watching LeBron the showman or LeBron the global icon.

I still don't think I'll ever "root" for LeBron, but I have gained a new appreciation for him as a competitor and someone who takes his craft (and not just himself) seriously.  Congratulations LeBron- you've earned all the praise that comes your way for that performance.

But enough about my anti-crush.  Let's talk Rajon Rondo.  Last night was my first time seeing him play and I have to say I was quite impressed by him as well.  Since I've only missed the bandwagon by about five years, I won't be covering anything that hasn't been covered before- but still, the dude is one heck of a floor general.  He plays hard and seems to have total command of what's going on in the game at both ends of the floor.  If James hadn't been in Seek-and-destroy mode, Rondo would have been the most phenomenal dude on the court.

He's an amazing passer- both in his understanding of angles and his execution of simple plays.  Yes, he had 7 turnovers last night, but he made at least that many plays that made me say "wow"- either for their degree of difficulty or the ease of their simplicity.  I loved how, after the Heat made a free throw (or any stoppage of play, really), he'd let the ball slowly roll up the court before touching it, giving the Celtics a fuller 24 second clock for their halfcourt offense as well as extending the game.  I've always wondered why most teams wait until the end of close games before implementing such a strategy.  After witnessing Rondo pull it off a handful of times, I'm convinced it's one of the smartest things you could ever do.

I think what impressed most about Rondo was his ability to convert a dribble immediately into a pass.  Many basketball players can do this, but Rondo did this so seamlessly that it seemed like he must have the ball on a string. 

And besides, he possibly has the coolest athlete name ever.  Rajon has a very majestic-yet-silky texture that just sort of massages your tongue as it rolls over it, and his last name is even cooler:

Welcome back, basketball- I sure have missed you.

PICS- Ezio- http://www.cosplayisland.co.uk/files/costumes/1671/54204/Ezio-Auditore-de-Firenze--Assassins-Creed-2-psd27127.png
Rambo- http://moviecarpet.com/iwave/images/14/o-rambo-5-will-be-his-last-stand-all-unforgiven-style.jpg

Dirk, LeBron, and a time to sow

Starting off with the obligatory "Congratulations" to the Dallas Mavericks. I don't mean as a slight- any time a team comes together over the course of a season and survives a grueling playoff run, it's a big deal. But I'm not a Mavs fan. I didn't watch any of their games. Actually, I didn't really watch any games this season. You know, since me and basketball called it quits.

But because of my desire to see the Miami Heat fail, I did follow this season quite a bit (pretty much exclusively via reading articles about the Miami Heat on ESPN.com). It wasn't because I was interested in hoops again. It wasn't because I got The Book of Basketball for my birthday (amazing read for anyone who enjoys basketball and/or pop culture references). Even Bill Simmons, with all his basketball acumen and writing prowess, couldn't suck me back into what many have been calling the most compelling NBA season in years. I watched a grand total of one quarter this season- which was the last quarter of the 2010-2011 season. Even then, I didn't watch because I wanted to see the Dallas Mavericks win their first title. I watched because I wanted to see the Miami Heat lose.

And I wanted to see the Miami Heat lose because of LeBron Raymone James.

I've talked about LeBron before. I'm sure I will again. Sadly what I have against LeBron is not entirely his fault. Our society has this nasty habit of exalting individuals merely based upon certain characteristics that are esteemed at that particular time. Sometimes those characteristics are noble. Sometimes those characteristics just involve the ability to put a sphere into a cylinder. I don't know LeBron personally, so I can't speak to his possession or lack of noble qualities. But I don't think national sports magazines put him on their covers while he was in high school because he was voted Most Helpful Boy.

And having never been the target of mass adulation, I can't honestly say how I would respond in a similar situation. I can imagine that having all sorts of constant praise heaped on you from every angle probably warps your sense of standing within the human community. It's not all LeBron's fault that's he's an self-obsessed ego-maniac. All of us sports fans are at least a little to blame.

But still- he has bought into the hype pretty hard core. The "King James" moniker. The random acts of violence towards talcum powder. Snubbing the Orlando Magic after a playoff loss. The "Decision". The "We Did It" party. LeBron has come to represent, in my mind, everything that is wrong with sports in our culture today. It's probably too much to pin on one person, and realistically I know there are other athletes and additional things to blame.

Then he ripped out the heart of a sports city (Cleveland) for the sake of his own brand, prematurely celebrated victory with his newfound buddies, and then spent the year playing the "Woe is me" card when everything blew up in his face. And that sort of surgically grafted scapegoat horns onto his headband. The sins of sports got tatted on his biceps. What did he think was going to happen though? Did he honestly think he was bulletproof?

Enough about James. I've decided to take my talents to Germany.

The 2011 NBA finals provided my NBA voyeurism with a perfect contrast to LeBron- Dirk Nowitzki. I've always been enamored with Dirk. It's partly because the German perversion of the letter 'w' (BTWs, did anyone else think that it was funny that NBA commissioner David Stern mispronounced Dirks last name? How long has Dirk been in your league? Global game what?) led me to mispronounce his name for most of my adult life. Partly it is due to the fact that he is 7' tall and can shoot threes like nobodies business. And he has crazy hair and a face that sorta looks like he's transforming into Teen Wolf. Oh, and he was on Punk'd. Basically this guy bleeds awesomesauce.

But as I watched some highlights and read articles about the NBA finals, I was really confronted with the stark contrasts between Dirk and LeBron. LeBron is one of the most explosive athletes I have ever seen. Dirk is....well, he's sneaky. I feel like when he jumps, you'd need a mongoose to slide a dollar bill under his feet. Dirk has a jump shot that could bring tears to the eyes of a swan. LeBron's shot makes you run for cover. Dirk's movements are very herky-jerky, like Wall-E trying to operate in the low post. LeBron combines the grace of a gazelle with the power of an eighteen wheeler.

But it was more than just their physical differences. There's just something about the way they conduct themselves. And this really hit home to me when they showed a shot of Dirk's fabled shooting coach, Holger Geschwindner, watching the celebration with teary eyes.

I don't want to say that LeBron is not a hard worker. But he strikes me as someone who is gets by on his athletic gifts than someone willing to put in the hard hours of work. I'm generalizing surely- but doesn't it seem like LeBron has basically stagnated as a basketball while Dirk has just grown as a player over the years? I mean, Dirk Nowitzki put in so much work that his shooting coach was brought to tears when he finally won a title. LeBron? I think that if he ever had a shooting coach, that guy probably died by being struck in the head by a wayward carom of a LeBron James laser-throw.

What's my point? Well, a little bit of gloating. A little bit of explanation of said gloating. A little bit of analysis. And a moral to the story- kids, no matter how great your natural gifts and talents are, you have to bust your booty twice as hard as the next guy- because when your time comes, you can't just hope you win because you spent last summer expecting the victory party.