Baby I'm glad you're back

Last March I gave a beautiful, emotionally charged, and surprisingly insightful epitaph on my deceased relationship with basketball.  If you've frequented my blog, you know that any declarative statement of any type that I make is basically just a placeholder for the next time I change my mind.  I go back and forth more than Pong.  So you shouldn't be surprised when I say to you that I have fallen in love with basketball all over again.

I think a couple of things have fueled the rebirth of my basketball jones.  Reading Bill Simmons certainly played a big role.  He is undoubtedly my favorite sports writer, and the passion, wit, and intelligence with which he writes about basketball is super contagious.  In fact, I could probably point to the day I started reading his Book of Basketball as the day I began to come home to hoops (this is a hindsight call- at the time, I didn't realize it fully).  It was like 700 pages reminding me what I love about the game.

Actually, now that I think about it, Simmons is probably the whole reason that I came back to hoops.  It certainly wasn't the NBA itself.  Sure, last season was extremely compelling (with a sweet feeling at the end) but then they went into lockout mode and it looked like the season would be canceled (note: in sports labor disputes, I always root for seasons to be canceled- I just think it's good for perspective)...then the game came back and Simmons wrote a bajillion articles in a short period of time, and I was pretty much hooked.  So thanks, Bill.

Really though, I don't think it was too much of a stretch to get back into it- the love was not buried in an unmarked grave, and so rekindling it from its hibernation was surprisingly simple.  Indeed, as I wrote in my basketball eulogy-
Basketball has this beautiful cadence about it. The bouncing of the ball against the hard wood floor. The squeak of the tennis shoes. The swish of the net. And the eloquence of the motion- a crossover dribble, a behind the back pass, three pointers from the corner, a sweet pick-and-roll.

I think more than any other sport, basketball is woven into my DNA, and as much as I may try to, I'll never be completely rid of my need for it.  It's like my own Ring of Power.  Purchasing NBA 2k11 (probably the most realistic sports simulation EVER) pretty much sealed the deal- between Grantland.com and my PS3, I'll be able to maintain my basketball crush indefinitely.


Last nights Boston-Miami showdown also reinforced basketball as my sport du jour.  And as unlikely as this may seem, LeBron James was the main protagonist.  Not in a 'hahaha FAIL' way either- but by putting on a masterpiece of a performance in last nights Game 6 win against the Boston Celtics.  I've never been a LeBron fan- in fact, I previously wrote this about the social enigma:
He's not the first (or only) athlete to think and act like he's bigger than the game...but gosh darn it does he annoy me. The whole macho-angry-scowl thing, the talcum powder toss, the Decision, the complaining during his rookie year when he wasn't named to the all-star team- it's ridiculous.


I suppose I'll always be a "hater", but I can also see that James is far and away the best player of this generation.  Still, even with all of his accomplishments and accolades and statistical feats, I had never ever EVER seen anything from him (or any other player for that matter) like I witnessed last night.  Mind=blown.

The stat line is certainly impressive- 45 points on 19-26 shooting (2-4 from beyond the arc), 15 rebounds, 5 assists, played the first 45 minutes straight- and the historical context makes it even more so- elimination game, on the road, against his previous personal dementor, the Celtics...but did you see it?  LeBron was locked in like I've never seen him locked in before.  The macho-act was gone, replaced by a stone-cold stoicism more often seen in the greatest killer the world has ever known.

Although with those wrist blades, I'll bet it's really hard to catch a bounce pass

And without having to actively repress the gag impulses from James' tough guy act, I was able to appreciate his full arsenal of offensive prowess.  Dunks, lay-ups, catch-and-shoot jumpers, leaners, fade-aways, circus shots.  Every trick in the bag was money last night.  Every basketball player has those days when they're feeling it- where everything you throw up just seems to go in- it's just that most of us have those days in front of the white brick walls of our local community center gymnasium and not thousands of fans at TD Garden with the fate of our season in the balance.  James just kept hitting shot after off-balanced shot, while the Celtics were helplessly throwing up their hands and arms in order to squelch the fire.  On a pair of possessions in the second quarter, James drew shooting fouls on jump shots because the Celtics were literally throwing themselves at him in order to slow him down.  Again, it was breathtaking to behold.

And there were some big shots, too.  When I started watching the game, Boston was down 22-12, and that's pretty much where they stayed until the end- always hanging around that 8-12 point deficit, always threatening to make a move but never quite getting there- because of LeBron James.  Whenever Boston started to put a couple buckets and stops together, James would come down and make some dagger shot Miami would go on another mini-run.  It was unreal. 

I will never be a Heat fan because of this (I'm confident that unless you're a Miami homer, you won't be either after you watch the video) but I am a fan of beauty, and the way LeBron James played last night was so logically beautiful, so unemotionally brilliant, that I not only have to tip my hat to him, but I have to say I really enjoyed watching him play.  Rather, I got to see LeBron the basketball player play last night, and that is so much more awesome than watching LeBron the showman or LeBron the global icon.

I still don't think I'll ever "root" for LeBron, but I have gained a new appreciation for him as a competitor and someone who takes his craft (and not just himself) seriously.  Congratulations LeBron- you've earned all the praise that comes your way for that performance.

But enough about my anti-crush.  Let's talk Rajon Rondo.  Last night was my first time seeing him play and I have to say I was quite impressed by him as well.  Since I've only missed the bandwagon by about five years, I won't be covering anything that hasn't been covered before- but still, the dude is one heck of a floor general.  He plays hard and seems to have total command of what's going on in the game at both ends of the floor.  If James hadn't been in Seek-and-destroy mode, Rondo would have been the most phenomenal dude on the court.

He's an amazing passer- both in his understanding of angles and his execution of simple plays.  Yes, he had 7 turnovers last night, but he made at least that many plays that made me say "wow"- either for their degree of difficulty or the ease of their simplicity.  I loved how, after the Heat made a free throw (or any stoppage of play, really), he'd let the ball slowly roll up the court before touching it, giving the Celtics a fuller 24 second clock for their halfcourt offense as well as extending the game.  I've always wondered why most teams wait until the end of close games before implementing such a strategy.  After witnessing Rondo pull it off a handful of times, I'm convinced it's one of the smartest things you could ever do.

I think what impressed most about Rondo was his ability to convert a dribble immediately into a pass.  Many basketball players can do this, but Rondo did this so seamlessly that it seemed like he must have the ball on a string. 

And besides, he possibly has the coolest athlete name ever.  Rajon has a very majestic-yet-silky texture that just sort of massages your tongue as it rolls over it, and his last name is even cooler:

Welcome back, basketball- I sure have missed you.

PICS- Ezio- http://www.cosplayisland.co.uk/files/costumes/1671/54204/Ezio-Auditore-de-Firenze--Assassins-Creed-2-psd27127.png
Rambo- http://moviecarpet.com/iwave/images/14/o-rambo-5-will-be-his-last-stand-all-unforgiven-style.jpg

The Least Likely to Succeed: The review

Last week, I privileged you with a copy of my first (and so far only) published work.  If you haven't read it (and judging from the page view stats from Google, almost 7 billion of you haven't), then you need to stop doing whatever it is that you are doing that isn't reading my blog- and go read it.  It will change your life- or at least give my page view a bump.

Now that you've read it, I can tell you that it's not my best work (it's about ten years old after all).  Hey I couldn't have told you that before you read it- then you might not have read it.  Sometimes a little trickery is involved in this business.  I don't make the rules- I just play by them.

Understand that I still think it's pretty good.  I proudly claim it as my own.  It's just....rough around the edges.  In fact, when I first went through to type it out, I got about two paragraphs in when I realized that some serious rewriting could be done.  I danced around points, was overly wordy, and on more than one occasion did not successfully link points together.  STOP NODDING YOUR HEADS, ALL OF YOU!!!! 

I ended up deciding against it- on the condition that I could critique it.  Not really critique it (that's an actual skill that I actually don't possess)- I guess I was thinking I'd provide, like, the directors commentary as a bonus feature.  Like any good directors commentary, I will seek to be equal parts informative, funny, and not-boring.  

Let's just start with a technical issue- my love of the comma has not cooled at all.  It's as if I'm working on a comma commission, or a comma-ission.  Come to think of it, that's not a bad idea.  I could be rich!

And have a beard.  And also, I'm punching a giant squid on my shoulder.

Seriously though, grammar has never been one of my strong suits, and this piece wears my incompetence proudly.  Although I do feel that grammar is merely an artificial system set up by higher education to further illuminate the difference between the haves and the have-nots.  So maybe I'm just like the grammar Robin Hood, sticking it to the establishment every time I misuse punctuation.  That's how I sleep at night, anyways...
Second, I was so focused on discerning the mystery meaning of Tolkien's words that the idea that an audience will attach their own meanings onto the subject completely passed me by.  Yes, Tolkien's beliefs would at the very least shade his writings in some way- but a reader would do the same thing with their own beliefs, meaning that my role was not so much herald of Tolkien's secret message- but more of hit-you-over-the-head harbinger of my own message.

In fact, that's probably my biggest frustration with this piece- I wrote it through the eyes of my younger, fundamentally religious self that looked to slap the Jesus label on anything and everything.  There was no part of me that would have ever thought "Hey, maybe Tolkien just wrote this book because he had some really cool dreams"- everything was black and white to me, and I had to try and fit my own ideas and beliefs with the fact that Lord of the Rings existed.

That doesn't nullify my paper necessarily.  Obviously I was writing out of the meaning that I attached to it.  It's not wrong to have opinions, and my interpretation was pretty 'pro' actually (for the non-inundated, 'pro' is pretty much the best thing you can be called).  Isn't that why we read movie reviews and book reviews and watch shows like 'The View' and 'Pardon the Interruption' (and no, I don't watch 'The View' anymore)?  We enjoy to hear what other people thing about things.  That way we can either strengthen our own beliefs and views or else feel righteous indignation that someone doesn't agree with us.  

It's just that when I read this piece, it's like 23 year old Jason is in the room, talking to me, and I want to acknowledge him for everything that he meant to 32 year old Jason- while also telling him to chill out and just enjoy life.  There doesn't have to be a spiritual meaning in everything.  It's okay to just watch a good movie or read a good book.  You don't have to write Bible verses on the cash drop envelopes at the Gas Station.  If you see a license plate from Texas, don't read too much into it.  Some things in life...just...are. 

Back to technical disproficiency.  As I am wont to do, I strayed a little off topic and spent a few too many words that were ultimately inconsequential to the main point, which was that Frodo was a parallel to Christ.  I still like that premise- I think Frodo's quest parallels the Jesus QUEST of biblical lore.  I just could have shaved a couple paragraphs by skipping over the Messianic qualifications of Aragorn and Gandalf (and saved that for my own little trilogy of essays) and just gone straight to Frodo...which was the point of the essay.

Of course, it doesn't matter what the point of the essay was if there was nobody to deliver it to, and that's probably the biggest glaring weakness- no real focused audience.  Sometimes I feel like I'm writing to Christians, other times to non-Christians.  Sometimes I'm explaining basic Lord of the Rings concepts like I'm writing a 'One Ring for Dummies' book, explaining the Ringwraiths and Rivendell.  Then I basically turn around and quote the Silmarillion, quote Erestor, name-drop the Ainur and I even freaking called Mount Doom Orodruin. 

At that point, I really don't think I understood the importance of knowing your audience.  One could make the argument that I still don't, to which I say 'hold still while I go get a heavy iron pan'.  My favorite authors to read are the ones who know their audience and cater to that audience.  Bill Simmons.  The guys at Cracked.com.  Granted, they chose largely to write to simpletons like me- but still.  I love it.  It might just be that I feel like I'm a part of a bigger community when I read their stuff, so I view it more favorably- or it could be that they know who they are and who they're writing for, and that leads to more focus.

I'm also struck by a lack of research.  Back then, I really didn't have any clue how big the world is, and how much information is out there.  Of course, a lot of it is just airheads like me flying off the cuff.  But at least I have the pretense of subjecting myself to a higher standard.  Not back then though.

For instance,my comparison between Sauron and Satan was not necessarily based in empirical fact or comparison to other literary villains- or even an actual literary assessment of Satan himself- but my own understanding of what I had been told about Satan.  The problem with that is that it can easily sound like I know what I'm talking about without actually knowing what I'm talking about.  That's how misinformation can spread.

I'm better now about fact checking than I used to be, but sometimes things get past the goalie.  A few weeks ago I forwarded around what I was told was the last-ever strip of Calvin and Hobbes comic strip.  It's been out of circulation for about 15 years, so I knew it had ended, but I didn't explicitly remember the strip.  The one forwarded to me was this terribly sad strip where Calvin has been put on some medication and is furiously working on some report.  Hobbes wants to play, but Calvin wants to get the report done.  The last shot is Calvin working while the stuffed Tiger Hobbes just sits there.  It almost brought tears to my eyes- how sad, that Calvin's imagination and wonder were taken away by the system trying to control him!

Of course, then when I actually Googled the last strip, it was something much more hopeful and the above-mentioned strip was some sort of sick, bizarre fan submission or something (of course, maybe it's not.  CURSE YOU INTERNET!!!).  The point is that I'm trying to work towards a point where the things I write and say are either blatantly personal opinion or well researched stated facts.  Least Likely To Succeed was blatantly personal opinion mixed with a lot of heresay facts.  That might cut it some places- but that's not where I want to be, either as a writer or as a person.

The thing I missed the most though was my trademark humor (although some people might not miss it or worse yet- not think I'm funny at all.  EEK).  I do think this was probably intentional, partially because of the tone of the piece (serious) and largely due to the fact that I really hadn't discovered my own voice yet as a writer (other than the overuse of commas and utilizing superfluous words like they were going out of style).

Despite my missteps and whatnot, I do feel like it was a fairly well constructed essay, and I was setting up for the dramatic ending haymaker and.....well, I just sort of fizzled.   "With the victory He purchased, we don't have to".  Really?  That's the dramatic ending?  Geeze- the haymaker ended up more like a grazing slap across the shoulder. 

All in all, I'm glad I went back into the vault and read this piece.  It's always good to look back and see areas of growth as well as areas that still need tweeking.  As cringing as it was at times, it was still a tremendous experience to have something I crafted see publication- no matter how small of an audience got to see it.  I had a lot of fun working on the piece, and I am proud to have contributed to keeping the Lord of the Rings alive- a timeless tale of fantasy, good-versus evil, friendship...and whatever else you decide it is.
PIC- https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjXDHHkvaIYk_gAZ6O45BhBHnhmMVbomahLsInlxnv6-rk99FnSmfBnKom6AJg-aABZCyizmKxAzy7llRocaOpSKlE9H2OiFc5Yfm2gH_iy14Bi9VpsMRZFKUVKKFGP-jKsKqtbJBM068A/s1600/nice+ad%252C+old+spice+sea+captain.png

The Least Likely to Succeed: The actual

A couple of weeks ago (closer to a month, but still countable in weeks), I promised to deliver you a rendering of that one time when someone actually set my words to type and sent them around the globe.  Today, I come to honor that promise.  The long awaited world-wide Internet presentation of: The Least Likely to Succeed!

Despite the constant cringing and incessant temptations to change things (minimally at times, often drastically), I have decided to present the essay in its pure, undistilled form.  And....here it is.

Non can foretell what will come to pass, if we take this road or that.  But it seems to me not clear which road that we must take.  The westward road seems easiest.  Therefore it must be shunned....Now at this last we must take a hard road, a road unforseen.  There lies our hope, if hope it be.  To walk into peril- to Mordor.  We must send the ring to the fire- Elrond

In the midst of the excitement of seeing The Lord of the Rings masterfully translated onto the big screen (although in truth I was more versed in The Hobbit as a child), it is important to remember that Tolkien's work is not just entertainment but an extension of who he was.  Try as we might, we cannot fully separate entertainment from reality because entertainment is really just an outlet of creative expression of who we are.  Whether it is music, or acting, or writing, as an artist it is impossible to completely sunder who we are from what we want to portray. 

The Lord of the Rings is no exception.  I don't claim to know what J.R.R. Tolkien intended in his writing, nor do I know what he was thinking.  What I do know is that Tolkien was a Christian man who could not separate his Christianity from his writings.  The Lord of the Rings is an unbelievably well designed tale, with depth that very few stories have ever attempted and stirring of the imagination that few stories ever achieve.  Reading The Lord of the Rings is like taking a trip to another world, a world with it's own extensive history and stories of it's own.  When reading, the reader feels not only that Middle-earth actually exists, but that they are actually there.

However, the Lord of the Rings text contains more than a story; it is filled with Christian parallels.  Indeed, reading the Trilogy has helped me in my Christian walk, in that I've been able to see some things in a different light.  Things such as understanding God as the King, creation (from The Silmarillion), and the corruption of sin.  These are things I knew about, but by applying Christian principles to Tolkien's work, I have gained an even greater understanding and appreciation for them.

The One Ring serves to show us the power and enticement of sin.  Sauron is very much a form of Satan, pure evil and hatred personified, as opposed to the typical watered down Dr. Evil type of villain ("I'm holding the world ransom for one million dollars!").  Sauron, like Satan, does not merely desire to rule the world; he desires to completely annihilate all that is good.

But ultimately, every element of the story serves to compliment one central theme: final victory over evil.  In The Lord of the Rings, this theme is embodied in Frodo's quest to destroy the One Ring.  In Christianity, it is the death and resurrection of Christ to defeat Sin and Satan. 

There are three Christ-types in the story (according to my count; there may be more): Aragorn, the victorious King, the healer, the social outcast whose return marks the end of the age and ushers in a period of peace; Gandalf, the wise wizard, the Istari sent by the Ainur to guide the protect men, who gave his live to save his companions from the evil demon Balrog; and Frodo.

Aragorn is the image of Christ's return.  We first meet up with Aragorn in the Bree, under the guise of a Ranger named Strider.  Strider is suspicious at best and has the appearance of someone who is up to no good.  As the saga unfolds, however, more of Aragorn's kingly nature shines through, climaxing at his daring adventure through the Paths of the Dead.  Much of Aragorn's life is fulfillment of prophecy.  In addition to his jaunt through the Paths of the Dead, Aragorn turns out to have 'healing hands', which only the King returning is said to have.  His reign on the throne ushers in the beginning of the fourth age, a peaceful age.

Gandalf could be said to be the one who illustrates Christ's death.  Just as Jesus was sent to help people find God (both through His life and His death), Gandalf was sent by the Ainur (who were sent by Ilu'vatar to be gods of Middle Earth) to help all beings of a good heart.  More than a man, but less than the Ainur, Gandalf has some power allotted to him, but only within the confines of Middle-Earth.  When the fellowship is trapped in the Mines of Moria by a Balrog, Gandalf lays his life aside to battle it, and falls "into shadow".  Gandalf defeats the demon and emerges from the confrontation, changed, more powerful and wise.  Gandalf the Grey has become Gandalf the White, much like the Lamb who was slain is now the King of Kings and Lord of Lords.

There are two follies to avoid.  To use this [Ring] is perilous.  At this hour, to send it into the hands of a witless halfling into the land of the enemy himself, as you have done...that's madness- Denethor

Frodo is the most unlikely Christ-type of all.  Aragorn had the credentials of being a descendant of the Dunedain, the greatest of all the race of men.  Gandalf was a wizard, given great power with which to battle against the forces of Sauron.  But Frodo?  He was a hobbit, which was mockingly called halfling by other people.  Most of the tales of of lore in Middle-earth don't even allow for the existence of the little people, especially the tales involving heroic deeds and valor.

As the story begins, Frodo seems to be caught in the wrong place at the wrong time.  His adopted father (and cousin also) Bilbo, who found the Ring while on an adventure with dwarves, had reached the ripe old age of eleventy-one, or one hundred and eleven years old if you prefer.  Reaching a point in life where he was starting to "feel like butter spread across too much bread," Bilbo set out to Rivendell and left the Ring in the keeping of Frodo.  This occurrence just happened to coincide with the reemergence of Sauron in Mordor.  Sauron had discovered that the One Ring was in circulation and began to draw evil to Mordor in anticipation of his retainment of the Ring and subsequent destruction of Middle-earth.

One of my favorite scenes from the movie occurs shortly after Frodo discovers the nature of the Ring.  Gandalf is leaving to counsel with Saruman while Frodo and Sam are setting out to Bree.  Gandalf tells Frodo that the Ring "wants to be found" by the Dark Lord.  It became clear at that moment that Frodo wanted no part of this quest.

Thus we return once more to the destroying of the Ring, and yet we come no nearer.  What strength have we for the finding of the Fire in which it was made?  This is the path of despair.  Of folly, I would say...-Erestor
I said victory could not be achieved by arms.  I still hope for victory, but not by arms- Gandalf

After a close call with the Ringwraiths (former kings of men who succumbed to the power of the Ring to become Sauron's slaves), Frodo arrived at Rivendell, the house of Elrond.  There several leaders met, representing the Dwarves, Elves, and Men, to figure out exactly what course of action to take in regards to the Ring.  At the council, every conceivable plan seemed doomed to failure against the powers of darkness.  A battle of arms would be futile, for Sauron's forces far outnumbered those of Gondor and its allies.

The Ring could not be hidden, as Rivendell had insufficient power to resist Mordor, and the other strongholds were even less resistant.  Even throwing the Ring into the Sea, which would at least buy valuable time, would only delay the inevitable.  The Ring could only be destroyed in the fires of Orodruin, Mount Doom.  Even that course of action seemed folly, because Mount Doom was located in the very heart of Mordor, the stronghold of Sauron.  In truth, no course of action seemed any better than the other because all seemed destined to fail, to the complete ruin of Middle-earth.  With that in mind, the wise were forced to make a decision to choose the best path in the interests of all the free peoples.  They chose to destroy the Ring in Mordor.

Why do you speak ever of hiding and destroying?  Why should we not think that the great Ring has come into our hands to serve us in the very hour of need- Boromir

What was he thinking?  The council had to be filled with doubts and 'what-ifs' when the decision was made.  Even those who had the most faith in the mission couldn't feel too secure in the thought of taking Sauron's Ring, which wanted to join with him, into his acropolis unprotected.  It would have been impossible to take a sizable force into Mordor undetected.  Neither Gandalf nor Elrond, the wisest and most powerful of the council, could bear the Ring for fear of the potential danger they would wield.  After listening to Boromir, nobody was ready to completely trust Gondor with it.  After a period of thoughtful consideration, Frodo felt the call to bear the Ring into Mordor.

Despair or folly?  It is not despair, for despair is only for those who see the end beyond all doubt.  We do not.  It is wisdom to recognize necessity, when all other courses have not been weight, though as folly it may appear to those who cling to false hope.  Well, let folly be our cloak, a veil before the eyes of the enemy!  For he is very wise, and weights all things to a nicety in the scales of his malice.  But the only measure he knows is desire, desire for power, and so he judges all hearts.  Into his thought will not enter that any will refuse it, that having the Ring we may seek to destroy it.  If we seek this, we shall put him out of reckoning- Gandalf

To make the long trilogy of books short, the Ring is destroyed in the end, in spite of what seemed to be overwhelming odds.  The plan which seemed to defy all wisdom, in the end, provided a victory that was not only final but satisfying in the sense that the victory was accomplished beyond all reasoning, via means that Sauron didn't even account for.

Jesus also went on a Ring-quest.  In fact, Frodo's quest is remarkably similar to Christ's life.

The fact that Jesus chose to lay aside His Godhood to become a man like us is against logic, kind of like trusting the fate of Middle-earth in the hands of a halfling.  Jesus, as Creator of the world, probably could have chosen from any of a million different ways to reconcile men to Himself, and could have saved Himself a lot of pain and sorrow.  Instead, He chose to show us how much He loved us.  With that in mind, there was only one course of action to take, no matter how foolish it seems to us.  The God of love had to bring about reconciliation through the greatest act of love He could have shown: to lay down His life.

In our wisdom, God's decision to take the form of man and live among us is hard to comprehend.  But it's what Jesus chose to do with His life that really confounds most people (Isaiah 55:8- For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord).

Instead of flaunting His Godhood and setting up the Kingdom of Heaven on Earth, Jesus became the servant extraordinaire.  He showed remarkable self-sacrifice, frequently laying down His rights and desires for the good of others.  Jesus even humbled Himself to the point of washing His disciples feet!

Jesus also said things that clashed with traditional thinking.  Jesus said that the poor in spirit were blessed, as were those who were persecuted.  He said that in order to gain life it had to be lost.  In the mind of Christ, it was better to lose everything to gain eternal life than to gain the whole world and lose our soul.  In the Kingdom of God, the last shall be first.  These are some examples of radical words from Jesus, who spent His life on Earth going against everything that man said was wisdom and truth.

1 Corinthians 3:19- For the wisdom of the world is foolishness in God's sight.  As it is written: 'He catches the wise in their craftiness' and again, 'The Lord knows that the thoughts of the wise are futile'.

 However, none of the things He did while He lived on Earth flew in the face of human reason the way His death did.  Indeed, His very mission in life was to die.  His disciples were confused because they thought Jesus wasn't advancing His "political agenda" enough.  The people were confused because they saw the Man who saved others and chose not to save Himself.  The Pharisees were confused because the man who openly challenged their self-righteous, dead religion go quietly to death without so much as a word of defense.  Even to the end, Jesus chose to go against the norm, choosing humility, self-sacrifice, and obedience over power, self-preservation, and rebellion.

And that is why the quest to destroy the Ring is the central theme, not only in The Lord of the Rings, but in our lives.  It is as if the King, the Istari, became the halfling and chose to bear each of our rings into Mordor, so that we don't have to.  The life of Christ may not make sense to us.  But one thing is for sure: with the victory He as purchased, it doesn't have to.

1 Corinthians 1: 18-23, 25- For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God.  For it is written: 'I will destroy the wisdom of the wise; the intelligence of the intelligent I will frustrate'.  Where is the wise man?  Where is the scholar?  Where is the philosopher of this age?  Has God not made foolish the wisdom of the world?  For since in the wisdom of God the world through its wisdom did not know him, God was pleased that through the foolishness of what was preached to save those who believe.  For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength.



Well, there you have it.  If you made it all the way through until the end, congratulations.  You have must have Wolverine-like healing and regeneration skills- at least in the eye and brain area.  Even though I was able to resist the urge to basically revamp it completely, that doesn't mean that I'm not going to be discussing my thoughts on it.  But that will come another day.  Hopefully another day next week.

Tim Tebow: Savior- or saviorest?

If you even thought about accessing any sort of media relating somehow to sports, then you surely know that yesterday was Tim Tebow's first start of the season.  And I'm gonna take him to task.

I actually have nothing against Tebow- from what I've read/heard, he's a fine and upstanding young man, a devout Christian, and an excellent teammate.  Tebow has done humanity a solid.  His parents should be proud.

He definitely doesn't deserve most of the venom being spewed towards him.  You can't blame Denver for reaching to draft Tebow in the first round.  He (probably) didn't ask the fans to start cheering for him when Kyle Orton's career started to tailspin.  It's definitely not his fault that everyone everywhere nitpicking his football career the past two weeks- talking about how inaccurate he is, why he is inaccurate, how his arm isn't strong enough, how his arm is strong enough, how he needs an offense specifically tailored to his skill set, how he needs to be a pocket passer, how he isn't ever going to be a pocket passer, his intangibles...and I didn't even actually read most of the articles- this is all information gleaned from headlines and the NFL pregame shows that I watched today. 

I understand why this is- we're like information sponges, and the Internet is Bikini Bottom.  Bill Simmons has talked before about the culture of the Internet, and the 24 hour news cycle, and because there's so much more air time to fill, things get analyzed and reanalyzed, and the analysis gets analyzed and so on and so on.  And of course I could rip on the process...but using my own blog to do so would be a little hypocritical.  I just don't believe that you should bite the hand that feeds you (especially since most of the time it's my own hand). 

I do think that this over-overanalyzation had a ridiculous impact on the development of young players.  Head coaches too, but I'm not talking about coaches here- I'm talking about the man Tim Tebow.  I remember as a kid reading this book of NFL player profiles from the early 1980's.  One of the player profiles was Bert Jones, a young QB for the Baltimore Colts, and his head coach made a comment akin to QBs taking about five years to really fully understand the NFL game. 

Every time I stumble across an article about Tebow or see him being virtually dissected, I think about that quote.  I think about Tim Tebow, starting for the 4th or 5th time in the 2nd year of his NFL career, and I think it's absolutely preposterous that people would be trying to make declarative statements about his football future at this stage in his career.  Especially since everybody knew that Tebow was going to be a project coming out of the funky spread offense that Florida ran.  But hey, we have to fill the air time, so let's keep talking and talking and let's run this kid's career into the ground before it even gets started.  Poor Timmy.

But enough about that.  On to the game!

Full disclosure- I didn't actually get to watch Tebow play very much yesterday.  Apparently 1-4 Denver at 0-5 Miami didn't really make for must-see TV, Tebow or no Tebow.  So I watched San Diego at New York (the Lions were on, but I couldn't stand to watch them suck).  Ergo, my discussion of Tebow will be mostly academic.

I know that his passing numbers were so-so.  I know that he led the Denver offense to within field goal range a couple times in the first half but the Denver kicker missed a couple of field goals.  I know that Tebow led the Broncos from 15 points down in the last 3 minutes of the game (thanks on-side kick team!) and then about half-way through the OT period the defense delivered a turnover that eventually led to a 52 yard game winning field goal.  I know that after the game they interviewed Tebow and he thanked Jesus and then his teammates.

People with way more time and money on their hands are going to sit around and dissect the film of this game and be able to determine whether Tebow played good, great, or more great.  So I can't really comment on that.  He led them to a win, which is always a big deal in the NFL.  He's definitely an exciting player, if not slightly unorthodox.
 
What I want to focus on is his post game comments- particularly how they rubbed me the wrong way.
 
Maybe it's just because I'm a little older, a little wiser, or maybe I'm about to get ungrafted from the Vine- but I really wasn't feeling the shout-out to JC.  Far be it for me to make any sort of judgments or assumptions or mind-readings, but it really felt forced.  It was like Tim spent all week with a series of post-it-notes around his house that said "If get interviewed, thank Jesus Christ Personal Savior". 
 
I don't have any problem with athletes being outspoken about their faith- as long as its in context.  If you're speaking to a bunch of church camp kids- yeah, tell them about your faith.  If you're telling a reporter why you set up this charity or that fundraiser- sure, that's appropriate.  If the NFL analysts are asking you about game situations- you should probably leave God out of it.  Especially since you just got sacked 7 times, went 13-27 passing, and spent most of the game struggling against the worst defense since Helms Deep.
 
I don't know- I just think that it's okay to talk about football when they ask you football questions.  If you repped Christ because you're wanting to stay humble, try looking at your statistics instead.  Plenty there to keep yourself in perspective.  If you name-dropped Jesus because you wanted Him to get proper praise and glory, try going 31-35 for 325 yards and 5 TDs.  But don't take my word for it:
 
-If anyone speaks, they should do so as one who speaks the very words of God. If anyone serves, they should do so with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. If anyone plays quarterback, he should complete at least 60% of his passes with an average yards/attempt of about 7-8, and a 3-1 TD-to-INT ration.  To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen- 1 Peter 4:11 (Bolded part was not part of the original manuscripts.  Or any of the manuscripts, for that matter)
 
That's all I got.  I don't know if it's good enough, but thanks to the Internet we have nothing but time to kill and space to fill.  I do hope that Tebow does well- I like to see the good guys succeed and the underdogs prove their doubters wrong.  I'm also partial to left-handed QBs  TTFN!

The Least Likely to Succeed: The set-up

The other day, while digging through my gold mine of old writings, comic books, and "valuable" sports cards (Shawn Bradley rookie card- this guys gonna be famous!), I came across an old magazine.  Well, relatively old- It was published in 2002.  The name of the magazine was Inkblots, a small independently (I believe) published magazine.  It championed 'creative writing for creative minds'.  Now, apart from being a creative writer and a creative mind ('Sup) I happened to keep this particular issue because I was published in it.

Yes.  I'll wait until you pick your jaw up off the floor.  At one point in time of history, I was a published writer.  Know that my narcissism knows no bounds.  I will go to any length to prove to you my greatness- even if it means digging through my treasure chest to find an obscure magazine that accepted freelance offerings from guys like me.

So here's the thing- I'm not actually going to let you read it.  TODAY.  I meant today.  It's just really long...and would take a lot of typing...and I am probably going to want to edit it a little bit, since my audience has changed and I've changed and my underwear has changed.  But I just wanted to let you know that it's coming.  Soon.  Be prepared.  Mark your calendars- take a big red marker and just begin writing 'soon' all over every date square.

I'll give you a hint though- it's about Lord of the Rings.  I'll be waiting for you to exhale.

My wife, the awesome

I had a talk with a friend a couple weeks ago, and he told me he respects Sara and I for how we've been able to raise a family while both attending school.  Because our lives have been (and probably always will be) abnormal, I forget that the typical college student is not married and does not have two children who are five years old and under.  It's easy to lose sight of how well we're doing, and it was timely praise that I was very humbled to hear.  To the folks keeping score at home-  if you have a compliment for someone, then tell them and don't just assume that they see what you see or believe what you believe.

I am not bringing this up to boost my ego- Lord knows I don't need anymore of that action!  Nor am I posting this because I want you to buy my book.  I don't even have a book.  Besides, you already bought it.

No, I want to talk a little bit about how awesome my wife is.  She's probably going to kill me for posting this- and that is one reason why she's awesome.  Seriously though, Sara doesn't get accolades that she deserves.  A big reason for this is that we live in a patriarchal society that general reserves the most praise for tangible, bottom-line driven results.  When raising children, your successes are often unquantifiable.  In business terms, you are pretty much 'operating in the red' for...well, at least the first five years. Maybe longer....

So why is she so awesome?  Well I'm going to tell you.  I'm going to give you a list of reasons why my wife is awesome.  I'm going to use the word 'awesome' so many times that you're going to get sick of it.  You will become numb to the word 'awesome' and it will lose all meaning.  You'll drift through time and space until finally you are reborn as a white wizard- or something.

Yeah, they used to call me Gandalf the Grey...TIL I BECAME GANDALF THE AWESOME

Roll call.  My wife is awesome because:

1. She loves me for who I am and allows me the freedom to explore my boundaries.  I've never felt I had to fit a certain image.  I've never been pressured to be a certain way, or to scale back.  That doesn't mean I haven't changed, and it doesn't mean that she doesn't challenge me on things.  But I've never felt like I had to fit into this box or that demographic.  I've been allowed to explore myself to the very depths of my soul.  I've been able to say things and write things that pushed envelopes- things that have allowed me to discover more about my humanity.  I wouldn't be able to do this without her.
2. My wife is awesome because she's just as open-minded as I am.  We both know that life is complex.  Neither of us has all the answers.  And so we constantly push each other, question each other, and challenge our pre-conceived notions in order to continue our growth as people. 
3. If I can wax a little materialistic here, my last two Christmas presents have been a smart phone and a laptop.  That's fricking awesome.  For my birthday last year she bought me Street Fighter IV and a new PS3 controller.  That's fricking awesomer. 
4. She puts up with me.  As awesome as I am, I'm also not the easiest guy to stomach for long periods of time.  I can be selfish, irritating, and moody.  I tend to zone out on stupid things like the Internet and sports.  Sure, I do things around the house like dishes and laundry- but I pretty much steer clear of cleaning the bathroom and cooking (which, ironically, are two of my favorite places).  Lesser women would not be able to endure the sheer weight of my insufferability or have the patience to stomach my idiosyncrasies.     
5. She is an awesome mom. She's very tender and doting with our kids.  They love it when she comes home from class- their faces light up, the cheer in their voices goes up an octave or two, and they immediately go into hiding (inside story).  They shower her with love when she tries to nap on the couch (sorry hon).  I couldn't ask for a better mother to my children- not publicly, anyways.
6. KIDDING 
7. Now here's the thing- she's an awesome wife and an awesome mother.  I'm sure there are lots of awesome wives who happen to be awesome moms too.  So why the blog post? 
8. Because she is not just an awesome wife/mom combo- but she is an awesome wife/mom AND a full-time college student who is in the music program.  Being a full-time college student is a work-load all to itself.  In addition to going to class, you are expected to do reading, research, papers, and other various assignments throughout the week.  Throw in the whole 'mother to three children' thing (not a typo), and it makes it even more of a feat.  But then you take into consideration that she's a music major, and you really start to appreciate the tremendous sacrifices that she makes.
9. I want to expand on the sentence that I left off on in #8 while adding another paragraph (and thus, another number).  I feel that even if I say all of the right things, it won't mean anything if my list is short.  If there aren't many numbers on my list, it will look like I'm a compliment cheapskate.  That usually equals sofa time.  Which is kind of like Hammer time, but without the stair steps and pants-by-the-yard.



Obviously when you said "Can't touch this", you were talking about your legs.  Because there's no way that anyone is finding legs in that sea of flowing Rayon Polyester.

10. Now where was I?
11. Oh yeah, that's right.
12. So being in the music program is like being in any other collegiate major- except moreso. Not so much reading and writing (although there are those things)- but there is quite a bit of out-of-class responsibility.  10 hours/week of practice time.  10 concert/rehearsal attendances per sememster.  Classes that meet for 4 hours per week but are only worth 1 credit hour.  There's also extracurriculars.  A second choir.  Leading a vocal jazz ensemble.  Moonlighting with the jazz band.  Participating in Friends Of Jazz (which helps put together Jazz Fest at NMU every year).  NATS.  Winter semester Children's Opera.  Music program requirements are the price that one pays for having a passion like music.
13. Any single piece of the puzzle would make my wife an amazing woman.  Everything put together makes her beyond awesome.  My wife is the complete package.  In this era of rapidly shifting gender roles, my wife has been able to not only spread wide the wings of her feminine independence, but also shoulder some of the traditional matriarchy as well. She's Proverbs 31 AND Song of Solomon.  Mind=blown.
14. Did I mention how beautiful she is?  Probably not.  Because as beautiful as she is (and she's awesomely beautiful), the strength of her character and depth of her soul is  infinitely more beautiful (but she's smoking hot).

So yes, my wife is insanely awesome.  I know this list of pieces, even when taken together, is still woefully incomplete to show how busy her life is.  And yet still, her awesomability is off the charts.  I love her with every fiber of my being.  Every day, I thank God that I got to meet her, and was able to sucker her bamboozle somehow win her affections in return.  It's been quite an interesting journey- full of bumps and hills and valleys and many assorted trials.  We haven't done things normal in any stretch of the world.  We've both made our share of mistakes.  But I wouldn't want to live a day without her in my life.  I love you Sara.  I love you, and I don't care who knows it.  Unless they're from Russia.

Pic- Ian McKellan- http://www.mckellen.com/images/0857.jpg
MC Hammer- https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjsEk10acD9Ok9qO9tdqVGjoXq-E0HYt6KALQIBz-OO4igBMPmFfql4SKFx-0D9GtJzFGlIxTVpcWwdIjEJnm4YFxUoxaaXTRAoXUZt4PHEiE2dUt8ABjUZXACzj2uV8GewZ34nBkNKau_Q/s1600/MC-Hammer-picture2.jpg

New Alphabet Part II- The rest

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote a brilliant essay on my plans for a new alphabet.  It was new, fresh, and invigorating.  I don't know if anyone actually read it (besides Amanda)...but rest assured, it took the world by storm.  And then I went away, leaving everyone breathless on the edge of their seats.

Now I have returned to finish my work.  Like Anakin brought balance to the Force, I will bring balance to the alphabet.  Even if that means I have to kill some of it and disfigure the rest.

To bring you up to speed, the new alphabet of my creation is so far ABDFGHIKLMN.  The rest of this exercise is elementary, really.  Having taken out the letters 'E' and 'C', no others would dare oppose me.  My logic-flawless.  My execution-deadly precise.  My aim-true.  My grip on reality- slipping.

Today, I'll take O-Z to task.  Which of them will survive to carry on my vision of the English language?  Tune in right now and find out!  Isn't this exciting?  WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY WANT TO DO MORE THAN READ THIS BLOG!!?!??!?

As with before, I'm taking all letter facts from Wikipedia.  And I'm taking all letter commentary from my brain.

Due to a scandal that was recently brought to my attention (thanks TBS), our thumbs up/thumbs down part will be played by legendary lemon Simon Cowell!

Would it kill you to smile, Simon?  Oh.  Oh, it would.  It actually would kill you.  My bad.  Carry on.

Let's get it started!

O- Inspired by the Egyptian hieroglyph for 'eye', and the fourth most common letter- I'd say this is pretty much a no-brainer.  Don't ask why it's a no-brainer.  When someone says "It's a no-brainer", they're really saying that they don't want you to ask any type of question that will expose their lack of knowledge about the subject.  I will say that elimination of 'O' would be to the 'O' face what prohibition was to alcohol.  And we all know how that turned out.

Simon says: Thumbs up

P- According to my friend Wikipedia, P is a voiceless bilabial plosive.  What the what?

Let's break it down
 
There's a lot of stuff going on there.  On one hand, being voiceless is a pretty useless trait in an alphabet whose sole purpose is to represent audible sounds.  It's like a company having a mime as their spokesperson.  But then it's also a bilabial plosive.  No one really knows what that means, but it sounds an awful lot like 'Explosive', and so I'm afraid that if I try to forcibly remove the letter 'P' from the alphabet, it will blow up and take the alphabetical midsection (not to mention my hands) out along with it.  So we're just going to keep 'P' right where it is and just back away...very slow like....

Simon says: Thumbs up

Q- I've been advised by my lawyer not to talk about 'Q', due to 'Q' being a minority letter...and with affirmative action...and the public relations backlash...but why can't I just say that 'Q' doesn't do anything 'K' and 'W'  couldn't do?  I mean, 'Q' can't even go into a word without taking 'U' with it- how weak is that?  You're can't even start off a word without some vowel holding your hand lik....

Pause ten seconds for station indoctrination

(Ten seconds later) I would like to issue a public apology to (do I have to do this?  ZAP Okay, okay., jeez..) the letter 'Q'.  I can only imagine how hard it is to be a (relatively useless and redunda ZAP ow ow ow ow) misunderstood and underutilized letter.  On behalf of the new alphabet, we welcome you into our tolerant and totally non-confrontational society.  Also, thank you for not suing me.  ZAP Hey- what was that for?

Simon says: Thumbs up

R- 'R' is like 'P' with a second leg.  That means that if 'P' is considered to be secure in the new alphabet, then 'R' would have to be like, twice as secure.  Get it?  Because he has a second leg to stand...oh, never mind.


Simon says: Thumbs up

S- Sometimes a place of employment will fire somebody so that they can promote someone else.  Whether it's because they're a better worker, or younger, or cheaper, or cuter, it's a harsh reality of the economic climate.  Animals do the same thing when they purposefully run faster than their older, sicklier third cousin.  It's called The Circle of Life.

That's what 'S' is to me.  There was excess, and I needed to make some cuts.  'C' was the old, sick letter that got taken down by the wolf pack, so I took it and threw it on the ground.  Naturally, 'S' is going to getting a lot more action.  I didn't promote 'S' because of his work ethic/age/letter capital/big booty.  This is all about fat trimming.  Let's just call it what it is- a marriage of convenience- and move on.

Simon says: Thumbs up

T- Ugh.  'T'.  It's just so boring.  No exciting backstory.  No exotic function.  No air flow.  Just frequent, brutal, boring, efficiency.  Well, and its own steak cut.  Maybe if we dressed it up a little bit.  Gave it a couple of griffins as bookends, put a magic wand on the top, like a Voldemort's wand...made it look like a tree...

Nope.  It's still 'T'.  But now it has boobs.  So there's that.

Simon says: Thumbs up


U/V- Details are sketchy, but I'm pretty sure there was some weird sort of incestuous disambiguation going on in the history of 'U' and 'V'.  I think 'U' used to be 'Y'...or was it 'V'?  I don't know.  This stuff is just weird.  It's like leafing through a yearbook from 'The Hills Have Eyes'.

Class of ARRGGHHRRGHHH rulzez!!!!!!!1!!!!

I don't know what kind of kinky crap you guys used to pull back there, but that all ends now.  'U'- you're done.

(Allows a moment for the shock of brutal truth to wear off) How you ask?  Simple.  I'm going to pair 'Y' with two 'O's, or two 'A's for the soft 'U' sound (just think Boston accent).  No-brainer.  Let's move on quickly.

Plus, without 'U' around to emasculate him, maybe 'Q' will man up and finally start doing something productive.  Otherwise there's going to be a 'Q coup'.  And 'V'- shape up, or I'll enlist 'B' to take your place.  And don't think I won't do it, either.  Because I will.

Simon says: U, thumbs down.  V, thumbs up

W- Definitely proof that some weird crap happened between 'U' and 'V'.  How else do you explain a letter that is named "double U" but looks more like "double V"?  Oh well.  I'm keeping it around.  It's good for office morale.  And by 'good for office morale', I mean 'all the other letters can point and laugh and stare at Freakshow'.

Simon says: Thumbs up

X- Oh jeez, this again?  I thought we were done currying favor with the alpha-proletariat.  How much longer can we expect the upper class letters to keep picking up the slack of the bottom class lose....

Pause ten more seconds for station indoctrination

(Lobotomized, with feeling) welcome to the new alphabet mister x

Simon says: thumbs up

Y- 'Y' is one of the cornerstones of a new alphabet.  Its sleek design and bialphality (it's both a consonant and a vowel) makes it trendy and helps us connect with the yuppies.  Its presence in the out-back of the alphabet makes it popular amongst the rebellious outcasts.  Its position as the Rarest IPA Sound by a Letter of the Latin Alphabet makes it sound like an Oscars category.  'Y' is my ace pitcher, my star quarterback, my leading lady- all rolled into one.

Simon says: Thumbs up

Z- Semitic 'Z' represented a weapon.  And what a bad-ass weapon it is.  It's got those two hook things on top and bottom, which can be used to trip an opponent in melee combat, slice open his intestines, or to scale a wall.  It also has the pointed corners, so you can use it in short quarters to stab your foe, like you were using a dagger.  Again, with the brilliant dual-design, if you miss your stroke in one direction, merely double back in the other for a sure severing.  In addition to melee combat, it also has ranged capabilities- much like a Chinese throwing star. Truly the weapon of a dynasty.

Oh.  Were we talking about 'Z' as a letter?  Eh, sure.  Let it in.  It can protect our backsides.

Simon says: Thumbs up

After analyzing the back half of our alphabet, only one letter came off the board.  Perhaps I was feeling generous today.  Maybe the back half of the alphabet is like an untapped natural resource of sound potential.  It's possible my heart just wasn't really in it.  But whatever the reason, our new alphabet is:
ABDFGHIKLMNOPQRSTVWXYZ

ALL HAIL THE NEW ALPHABET!

I'm going to begin a massive Twitter campaign to get the ball rolling.  Because people on Twitter aren't really working with a fully functional alphabet anyways.


PICS- Egg- http://antifraudintl.org/imagehosting/244b29c537e5924.jpg
Simon- http://cbskmvq.files.wordpress.com/2010/05/simon_cowell-thumbs_down.jpg?w=385&h=294
Color bars- http://bagelradio.com/blog/uploaded_images/off+the+air+color+bars-761961.jpg
Letter T- http://www.fromoldbooks.org/DelamotteOrnamentalAlphabets/051-16th-Century-letter-t-q85-468x500.jpg
Sloth- http://images.icanhascheezburger.com/completestore/2008/12/4/128728747597485642.jpg

Disabwhat?

A week or so ago, I got a letter in the mail.  It said simply this:

Your son has a disability

Actually, that's not true.  I didn't get a letter that said that- at least not in so many words.  No, it was just reminder letter for a speech therapy meeting that happened to include some information about special education and learning disabilities.  Um, excuse me, there has been a mistake.  You sent someone elses stuff to us.  I mean, our kids weren't conceived in a petri dish, but they're still perfect.  Right?

One of these guys got all of the looks, brains, and personality.  The other one is the former Governor of California

Let me just tell you that sending children's disability literature to a guy with a paranoid active imagination is a recipe for hysteria.  Factor in that I'm a chef who isn't cooking with all the ingredients, and....I'm not really sure where I'm taking this metaphor anymore. 

I know that that we aren't the first parents that have been blindsided by the idea that their childs' biology might not be 100% up to snuff.  But it's the first time something like this has happened to us.
Shane had a preschool screening back in August, and some issues came up with his hearing and with his speech.  The hearing result didn't really phase me.  The test was the standard fare- you put some ginormous headphones on and have to quickly hit a button when the machine clicks.  I'm pretty sure Shane was just screwing around with the lady- she'd hit the button and he'd just look at her and give her this sort of mischievous little grin (which could be a different set of issues altogether...starts praying for the teen years).  So the jury is out on the hearing thing.  I suppose it's possible that he has a hearing problem....(drifts off into flashbacks)

Shane, stop bothering your sister

(no response)

Shane- you NEED to come take care of your toys

(No response)

Shane, it's time for bed.  Come brush your teeth

(No response)

Shane, I have a cooki...

(NOM NOM NOM NOM)

The speech thing is a different ball game.  He's definitely got some speech issues going on.  R's, L's, any digraph involving 'H'- it's like he's on a one-man mission to slaughter the English language.  I feel bad when he's trying to tell someone his name, and he's like  "No, I'm not Sane.  I'm Sane".


And with 50% of these genes, it's no wonder he's not Sane

After a second assessment, we got a call from the speech therapy people who wanted to set up a meeting.  No big deal, I think to myself.  He'll go, we'll get hooked up with a speech therapist, he'll look at some pictures and practice contorting his tongue and in a few months PRESTO Shane will be giving monologues and performing on Broadway.  How is this a bad plan?

About a week letter, we get an envelope in the mail from the ECDD people in regards to the appointment.  But it isn't your garden variety white letter envelope- it's the Super Yellow Envelope.  You know the kind.  The kind that hold so much stuff they were used to smuggle illegal aliens across the border.  Yeah.  One of those envelopes.  This Super Yellow Envelope contained some pamphlets and booklets.  No big deal, right?  It's just some stuff about special education, learning disabilities, and Individual Education Plans (or IEPs).

Um, wait, what?  I thought my son just had a hard time saying some words.  And we were going to go in, and you were going to fix that and tell us to have a nice day.  The end.



It might not seem like it, but I'm working on not overreacting.  Really, I am..  I realize that this is probably standard protocol.  Most likely every child who receives some sort of specialized service gets this information.  Besides, we haven't actually had the meeting yet.  It wouldn't be the first time I overreacted without having all of the relevant information.

The truth is, my big concern has nothing to do with how any sort of learning disability diagnosis will impact our lives at home.  Shane is freaking awesome. 

It's more the idea of what those words mean in the scholastic context.  I understand a lot has probably changed since I was in school- but a lot hasn't changed.  Kids are like sharks, and being "different" is like wearing Chum-brand clothing.  "Different" kids get sniffed out early- then the feeding frenzy begins.

It wasn't enough to stop Bruce Campbell from being a movie star though. 

And it's not just the kids.  Teachers, parents, coaches, principals- whether people realize it or not, they often treat people according to their preconceived notion about that person.  Sometimes their analysis is concluded upon meeting someone for the first time- the infamous "first impression".  Sometimes you hear things (good and bad) about a person before meeting them and that makes up your mind.  And sometimes, you read the words "Special Education" in report and get hung up there, like an important hobbit stuck in a spider's web IN A SCENE THAT SHOULD HAVE TAKEN PLACE IN THE SECOND MOVIE, NOT THE THIRD!!!!!!

At this point, I'm just trying to prepare myself for anything.  This meeting is probably not the trip to Mordor that I am building it up to be- but it's no picnic in the Shire either.  My amazingly curious, cheerful, rambunctious, funny son is going to unknowingly come face to face with the the system that will shape the course of his life for the next twelve years.  And there's a chance that he's going to start with the deck stacked against him.

I am hoping and praying that any labels- disability, special ed, etc.- don't stick.  Not only that they don't stick- but that they don't get attached in the first place.  I would love nothing more than a simple little roundtable discussion that ends up with some sort of quick fix.  I imagine most parents probably feel the same way. 

The meeting is this morning.  I know who my son is, and how wonderfully amazing he is.  How much love and life flows through him, all the time.  The joy that radiates from his soul.  I just hope that the whole world gets to see that without having to look through label-shaped lenses.

ADDENDUM: We just got home from the meeting.  Nothing major to worry about.  Basically he has some areas where he's lagging articulation-wise (which we knew), and some issues with syntax and inserting the proper pronouns and articles of speech.  Preliminary assessment is that society will believe that Shane is "normal"- and that's all you can really ask for. 

Pictures that weren't mine-
Twins: http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/twins-Schwarzenegger-DeVito.jpg
Jaws 5- http://jawsmovie.com/wp-content/gallery/jaws5/jaws5campbell.jpg

Give me your milk money or give me death!

Next week, both my kids will be in school.  It's a scary thought.  Granted, the Saved By The Bell-type drama is still years away, but it's a lot closer than it was five short years ago.  My little babies...all growed up and saving China.

Or at least blaming each other for that hole in the wall

For the first time since I lived at home with my parents (shut up), I am going to have honest-to-God free time during my day. No school books to read.  No diapers to change.  No annoying phone calls at 6 in the morning asking if I can come work at 7 because someone didn't show up.  It's just me and...me. 

In the past I would have celebrated my newfound moments of freedom by firing up a new season of Greys Anatomy, starting a multi-team dynasty on NCAA Football, or just taking a nice short nap.  Well...not the Greys Anatomy thing....because I'm already on that!  Season 7 is SOOOO good!

However, this time around something (or some things) are different.  My priorities are different.  I'm different.  And so my plan is....different (you guys keeping up?).  And that plan involves volunteering.  At local schools.  The local schools my kids are attending (still not convinced you guys are keeping up- I think I lost most of you at 'Saved By The Bell')

Yes, yes, I know that there are some who think I'm just the hovering control-freak dad who can't stand to let go of his little babies, and so he dresses up like a pretty girl who was a nerd in high school but is actually smoking hot, but still can't get in the popular crowd (especially since a mishap with a nightclub stamp led to the word 'LOSER' being imprinted on her forehead) to buy in until her brother David Arquette also goes back to school and tells everyone she used to date him (which is not that big of a stretch.  This is David Arquette we're talking about) and then she becomes popular but ends up with a creepy teacher in the end. 

But I'm not that guy- because that guy is actually a girl, and that girl is actually Drew Barrymore.  That's so flattering though!

No, this is a much deeper desire birthed out of a few different life events.  Yes, the fact that my kids are in school is an incentive to be involved, to make sure that the educational system is functioning the way I think it should (and if I get to play 'Big Brother', even better). 

However, I've also thought about volunteering for awhile.  Which probably makes me like a majority of Americans.  We watch the infomercials about starving children in Africa, and we think 'oh man, that's too bad'.  We feel guilty for a bit and then we go back to watching Jerry Springer.  Not everyone is like this though.  Lots of my social work cohort volunteered, for example.  I always felt like I should be volunteering too, but I can't say that at the time I was ready.  Having two kids in diapers I never really had the chance to find out.  Now I do- and I am.

Of course, I'm probably being too hard on myself.  Raising children, in the early years, is like sprinting a marathon.  You have to be able to react to things at a moments notice, while simultaneously being able to pace yourself for long stretches.  We could have done day care, but there technically was no real need. Besides, we had made a conscious decision, back when we first had Delaney in the group home, that we were going to be the ones to raise our children.

Five years later, and we've crossed that bridge (not completely with Shane- but we're almost there).  It's taken sacrifice, grace, federal assistance, and family (lots of family)- but we've made it.  I feel like volunteering in the schools is a thing I can do to give back to others- pay it forward, so to speak.  So many people poured into our lives to make it possible for us to love our children, and now I want to pour into the lives of other people's children- or at least do things that free up time for other people to create their own precious moments.

Also, there are things of career to consider.  Sara and I have sort of tag-teamed the last few years, alternating between being students and being stay-at-home-fill-in-the-blanks.  But now we are entering into a season of life that will (hopefully) be much more stable- and thus, a season to think about the future. 

Because of shifting employment and the ever-fluctuating schedule of a collegiate student (espeically music majors), we haven't had much stability, and with the kids entering into school, that is not only more of a possibility- but also a desire.  I would love to have a nice steady 9-5 Monday through Friday type-job.  And I feel like volunteering at school is going to help me to get there.  Not only will it be good volunteer experience (which always looks good on the resumes), but it will expose me to different facets of the educational experience (which is possibly an area I'd like to work in) and different types of people as well.

I believe in our education system.  No really, I do.  Seriously- I know I have a tendency to joke around, and use sarcasm and slight-of-hand-type humor, but this time I'm really being on the up-and-up.  Geez, you guys are making me feel like Padme' telling Obi-Wan that there's still good in Anakin.

'I'm not dead'
'Not de...what?  I cut you in half!'
'No you didn't'
'....for the love...Obi-Wan, I severed your lower torso from your upper.  Your legs are over there!'
'Nope.  That's just a flesh wound'
'.........'

 Of course it has flaws.  But I know good can come from it.  And how do I know good can come from it?

Because I plan to be involved in it.  I'm no longer content to sit around and kvetch about the problem.  The turkey-stuffed classroom sizes.  Lack of funding.  Insufficient learning.  Standardized testing.  If the Marquette educational system is going to fall apart, it damn sure isn't going to fall apart because I was too busy leading the Central Michigan Chippewas to the promised land.

After the first day of kindergarten, each kid had a letter come home detailing areas that needed some volunteer help.  The seed was planted.  As I went through the list, it was simultaneously watered, weeded, fertalized, harvested, and taken to the market.  Library?  Sure, love to help.  Lunchroom?  Check.  Count box tops and soup labels?  Well, I can count, so you can count- on me.  Edit the school yearbook?  Just call me Jim Bellows.  

Sandy Knoll School Association meetings (which I assume are their version of the PTA)- planning on 'em.  And it's not just with Delaney's school.  Shane's Headstart program places a premium on helping out- whether it be at fundraisers or in the classroom, parent participation is promoted passionately.  Indeed, I have already volunteered to be the classroom's Parent Policy Council representative.  You might not have heard of it....it's kind of a big deal. 

Please know I'm not telling you all this to toot my own horn (although, given my tendency to toot my own horn, I see where you could get confused).  I want to spell all this out, in part, to soothe the worriers that I have much bigger ambitions than holding on to a few more invaluable seconds of face time.  Mostly, I'm just very excited about entering into this chapter of my life, and I hope that some of my excitement will rub off on you, the reader, and inspire you to set aside your own selfish ambitions for the sake of pursuing some noble cause that is in service to mankind.  And then I want you to thank me for it in dramatic speech form.  Not like, an Oscars speech-I'm talking like a William Wallace kind of speech.  Or like Aragorn at the Black Gates.

"I really thought I checked the 'Count Campbell Soup labels' box, not the 'Lead a Suicide Mission to Mordor' box.  If I make it out of this alive, I'm going straight to the office and double check that"

A final thought- a couple months ago I wrote about a guy who was involved at Bullock Creek named Mr. Ostyn. Mr. Ostyn didn't have a fancy title- or even a well-defined role, as far as I could tell.  But he made a difference in kids lives.  It should be noted that Mr. Ostyn was slapping high fives in the hallowed halls of the Creek years after his own children had graduated and moved on.  That's the type of man I want to be.

That's what volunteering means to me.  This is a chance to make a difference.  This is about creating a legacy.  Not a legacy so that I can look back and hear people sing songs about me.  It's about being a Mr. Ostyn in the life of a child, who shows that child that they have value not because of what they do or who they hang out with- but because they are.

Picture: Lego- http://ih2.redbubble.net/work.3564356.2.flat,550x550,075,f.if-you-strike-me-down.jpg
Aragorn- http://images2.fanpop.com/images/polls/252000/252478_1244993835479_full.jpg
Mulan- http://0.tqn.com/d/create/1/0/b/t/2/-/mushu.jpg