YWL: Season 1, Week 3

Hit Guys With Chair is next week!  In the meantime, some week 3- recap.

But first, a little clarifier- In my last post, I mentioned the 'quick' setting a couple of times.  Allow me to 'splain.  There are three settings to the simulated matches- quick, normal, and epic.  I do 'quick' for the regular matches because time is a finite resource and I am pretty sure that using it to watch video game wrestling (and then writing about it) is possibly not the best use of that time.

WCW:

Darth Maul vs Super Mario
Confession- I eschewed the easy road for the Mario entrance song and gave him Ebola in Memphis, a mash-up tune that I found on a website that most likely had some connection to the mafia.  In some ways, it's really out of place with the whole Mario persona- but the music goes really well with his entrance, so I kept it.

I don't know why I felt compelled to share that with you.

In terms of the actual match, it was an orgy of Sith punishment.  Maul spent the whole match kicking and punching and jumping and kicking and jumping and punching and in the end, it was just too much for poor 'ol Mario.

AJ Lee and Bella Da Ball (kidding- just one of the Bella's) vs Beth Phoenix and Eve Torres
In perhaps the cruelest sense of irony, the first repeat match and the clearest form of feud development is occurring between a group of Divas wrestlers that are not united by any sort of team harmony, mutual animosity, or pursuit of a championship. 

Why couldn't this have been Avengers/Sith?  Or Avengers/Team CoBro?  Shoot, I'd even watch the Avengers take on the Bella Twins- I just want to see tag team matchups that involve actual tag teams.  Is that too much to ask??? 

Thankfully, Eve made AJ tap so quickly in this match that I barely had time to think the preceding thoughts.  Still, there's a very good chance that I'm going to see some variation of this stinker over the next couple of weeks- and maybe even (gulp) beyond.

Arnold vs Barack Obama
A little follow up from the tag team match on last weeks NXT.  Nice save, bookerman. 

Regardless of political persuasion, I hope that you can appreciate the brilliance of including Barack Obama in this league.  Not that I'm the first (or only) person to have done it- but everyone that does it is a genius. 

After a pretty even start, things took a turn for the worse for the Governator when he inexplicably got out of the ring to set up the announcing table for...well, for what, I don't know.  What I do know is that this was the part of the show where Barack unleashed his underrated rope game and launched an aerial assault that can only be described as a Air Force One, Fox Three.

But then, just when you thought that Arnold was purposefully throwing the match- he choke-slammed Obama through the announcers table.  Plus, and this is crucial- he threw Barack Obama through a table!  Woah!!!  That's awesome!!!You can't tell me that doesn't make your little liberal heart smile at least a little bit.

If not, then this should do the trick

If I decide to name a 'Match of the Year', this will certainly be in the conversation.  Obama nailed three of his finishers (The FiliBUSTer) on Arnold, but in an overly-zealous-and-ridiculously-blatant fourth-wall reference to bureaucratic inefficiency, he (and by 'he', I mean 'I') attempted to pin Arnold within reach of the ropes all three times, which allowed Arnold to kick out and continue the match.  Finally, after miraculously escaping from a colossal clutch, Obama rolled him up for the three count to put the finishing touches on one of the best matches I've ever seen- real or otherwise.

Who said that big government never gave us anything?

Captain America and Darth Vader vs Red Hulk and Strong Bad
Wait- whaaaaaat???

I don't get it either, Random Dorky Glasses Guy

Let's pause to honor this historic moment in Youshouldknowjasonparks history- my first-ever use of a  GIF!!!!  Although I probably could..have...used a...better.....one.    

So apparently my idea of a master feud between the Sith and the Avengers was aborted so that Darth Maul could fight...Super Mario and Darth Vader could team up with....Captain America to....um, fight against....Strong Bad and Red Hulk?????

There.  That's better.

Seriously, if some of my more wrestling-knowledgeable friends could explain why a face and a heel who are already on teams would team up against two heels that they aren't actually rivals with, I'd greatly appreciate it and probably even cite my sources.

It's not that I'm against randomness- I champion randomness.  That was one of my whole reasons for doing the YWL in the first place.  But in the context of wrestling feud development....well, I don't know enough yet to ascertain the meaning of these random matches and the overbooking of the Divas has me less than convinced that the computer GM knows what the heck it's doing.

Regardless of why this match took place, it was definitely a quickie.  Vader/America did a great job controlling tempo and keeping Strong Bad out of the match (although Strong Bad may not have tried very hard to get into the same ring as the Super Soldier and Emperor Palpatine's attack dog).

Carnage vs. Rorschach (accompanied by Skeletor)
As this card has progressed, it has gotten more and more bizarre and I'm trying to wrap my head around whether I like it or whether I wish things were more linear.

Why is Rorschach aligning himself with Skeletor?  I thought he was all about no compromise- yet here he is aligning himself with not only a villain- but arguably one of the most notorious villains of all time (or at least 1980s cartoons).  Look, I read The Watchmen.  I know about how Rorschach butchered a kidnapper/murderer in the comics.  So how can I watch him possibly join forces with the despot who would do this?  And this?  And that?  And even this?

And then- they even did a seemingly joyous double high five right before the match!?!?!?!  WHAT IN TARNATION IS GOING ON HERE??????

Maybe Skeletor has turned face?  It's hard to read his, um, face (it is a skull, after all), but after the match he seemed to show genuine empathy towards Rorschach as he raised his hand in the air in victory (Oh yeah...the match.  Um, Rorschach won) with the tenderest of care, as Rorschach favored his bruised and battered ribs.  What's even weirder is that Rorschach is Level 4-rivals with Arnold, a member of Skeletor's stable, the Nexus!!!

What could this possibly mean???  Gah- I can't talk about it anymore, it's giving me a headache.

Raw is War...spelled backwards:

Godfather vs The Rock
For the first time this season, I chose not to play as the Rock.  Not because I wanted him to lose- far from it!  It's just that....well, Rock hasn't dropped The People's Elbow since....well, at least since the Wrestlemania that must have preceded the start of my WWE Universe mode.  I need to see if it's just me or if the Rock has some legitimate psychological issues going on regarding that move.

Despite picking up the victory over the Godfather (and building up two Finishers), The Rock did not execute a successful People's Elbow.  He didn't even attempt it.  One match isn't enough to call it a trend, but still- is there a crisis hotline for video game wrestlers?

Niko Bellic vs Ezio (Table match)
Ezio makes his YWL debut.  All I can say is it's about freaking time.  I once almost started a blog about the life and times of Ezio, so to say I'm excited is an understatement.  Ezio is the freaking man.  Plus, this match is between the protagonists from two of my favorite open world games ever- and it involves tables!!!

As expected, Ezio controlled the early part with a brilliant understanding of pacing...and punching.  In a regular match he probably would have won easily.  But it's not a regular match, and as things went on, Niko demonstrated the cool under pressure that you would expect from a guy who casually strolls down the street like this.

Despite putting himself through a table (twice), Niko wound up with the victory when he put Ezio through the announcing table.  Huh.  I didn't realize that would count as a table.  I guess you learn something new every day. 

Delaney vs Layla
Confession- for a split second I was thinking that 'Lola' would be a great theme song for Layla.  Then I realized that I was confusing 'Lola' with 'Layla', which is also a song about a woman...just in a different way.  But wouldn't that be awesome- to have a women's wrestler with 'Lola' as their entrance song?  Talk about your all-time swerves.

And Delaney gets the win via submission. 

CM Punk vs Triple H vs Randy Orton
There's a lot of gold here- CM Punk holds the Intercontinental title, and Triple H's quest for title #3 to complete the Triple Crown has been well documented (by which I mean I wrote a little blurb about it in a much bigger piece and am now shamelessly linking to that piece in order to artificially inflate my post count).

When I was deciding how to break down my rosters and which real wrestlers to include, CM Punk and Triple H were pretty much shoe-ins.  I totally could have gone either way on Randy Orton.  I don't know why- Orton has just never captured my imagination the way others have.  Keep in mind that I grew up with the WWF of the 1980s, and characters like Hulk Hogan, Jake the Snake, Macho Man, Ravishing Rick Rude, and the Million Dollar Man.  So while in-ring ability can certainly grab my attention, there's something to be said about the big personality that I look for- and Orton just don't have it.

So if I don't care for Orton all that much, why include him?  Let's take a systematic look at a list of pros and cons, shall we?

Case for Randy Orton:
-Apex predator thing: Randy Orton is called 'The Apex Predator' and can sometimes be seen impersonating a snake.  Snakes are cool.  Therefore, the logical conclusion is that Randy Orton is confused probably in need of some counseling an actual snake cool.
-Tattoo sleeves: Within the last few years, Randy Orton beefed up his tattoo repertoire by getting some sleeves to augment his collection of tribal tats.  Some people aren't big fans, but I think it looks sort of sweet.  It's like he's wearing an inverse t-shirt all the time.  
-Neat-enough finisher: The RKO comes in at #11 on the Top 50 WWE finishers of all time video that I just watched.  It's not my favorite, but it's sort of cool.  I guess.

Case against Randy Orton:
-Lame song: It should be noted that I haven't watched any actual matches since 2012, so it's possible that Randy Orton changed his entry music.  If not though....ugh.  Bill Simmons gave a pretty good description of what makes entrance music 'pop'- and this song, to me, has zero pop.  There's no real high points...or even super low points.  It just...is.  The lyrics talk about hearing voices in your head, and while I'm no music historian, I'm sure that there are waaaaaay cooler songs that talk about being crazy.
-No real personality: As mentioned, I grew up with 1980s wrestling, where we were all marks and a cool gimmick was way more important than cool wrestling moves.  Times have changed and I've changed- but I'm still way more into guys that have personalities.  CM Punk, Rock, Stone Cold, DX- perfect examples of dudes that have personalities that compliment their in-ring prowess.  I haven't followed a ton of the WWE over the last several years, but I've seen enough of Randy Orton to know that he's less interesting than washing dishes.
-Sort of an ugly dude:  Nothing more that I can say about him than this:

Wait a second...that's not him.

Nope.

Enough about that- my issues with Randy aside, this is a potentially historical match.  I mean, even Chris Jericho bought a ticket for a front row seat.  Clearly then, in order to piggyback on to history, I had to man the controls of one of these wrestlers.  And even clearlier, I had to man the controls- of the Tripster.

When I look back years down the road and write the memoirs of the YWL's early days, I will look back on this match as the "Dont' Call It A Comeback (but actually you can call it a comeback)" match.  Certain wrestlers have a "comeback" ability, and each of these guys is on that list.  Basically a comeback allows to kick some a** after you've spent the previous few minutes getting your own a** kicked.

Between the comebacks and all the post-signature chairs-to-the-face  maneuvers, this match definitely had some dynamic ebb and flow going on.  3H finally won after smashing Orton with the steel steps and pinning him while CM Punk just sort of pranced by in the background.  Following the match, Road Dogg came in for the congrats and I was giddy like a school girl.

I was actually going to put a picture of a giddy school girl here, but I thought you should know that this came up on Google under the search for 'giddy school girl'.  Not even that far down the page, either.

New Age Outlaws vs Brothers of Destruction (#1 contenders for the tag team title)
I imagine that the Undertakers entrance is probably amazing in a live setting.  The lights go down, the bell tolls, the purple smoke goes up- it's gotta be magical.  On WWE 13 though...well, it's sort of tough to sit through because there's not a lot going on.  There's this sort of mildly creepy/mid-tempo song and OH MY GOSH THE UNDERTAKER STILL HASN'T MADE IT TO THE RING YET.  It's starting to get to the point where I seriously consider just skipping the whole thing.

What Undertaker does better than anybody, though, is the in-ring extracurriculars.  The throat slit, the coffin pin, the hat removal, the eyes in the back of his head, the Gene Simmons- I remember him when he first came into the WWE as this other-worldly demigod who was powered by a magical cookie jar or whatever.  20+ years later, and he's still rocking it. 

I'm not sure if it's just because we're getting closer to the PPV, but I feel like the matches are getting more epic, even on the quick setting.  For a #1 contenders match, this was everything you'd want from the possible future tag team champs.

Oh yeah, this sort of happened after the match...Kane started kicking Undertaker as he lay on the ground and then Billy Gunn brought up a couple of chairs and they proceeded to hit the Undertaker with the chairs and OH MY GOSH, HIT GUYS WITH CHAIRS IS ONLY A WEEK AWAY!!!!  What a great accidental promo!  What a crazy swerve!  What an awesome game!

NXT results:
Chris Jericho defeats Shawn Michaels (vis submission)
Triple H defeats Godfather
Arnold defeats Barack Obama (revenge from Monday Nitro match)
Colbert defeated Tebow.  After the match, Scorpion came out to try and cheap shot Tebow (not sure why), but Colbert came to Tebow's defense.
Raphael defeated Rey Mysterio

Rankings:
Are the Sith making their move towards championship relevance?  Vader jumped to #6 from #30 and Maul from #31 to #12.  I'm skeptical though- we'll have to see how they're utilized next week to know if they're really getting a push or not.  Over in Raw, Brothers of Destruction jumped from #4 to #2 in tag team division, although the fall-out from their last match will be interesting.  As of right now, according to the Superstar profiles, Kane is still Undertaker's Level 5 ally.  And in a bit of trivia, Sheriff Rick Grimes is a Level 3 rival.  You know what they say- keep your back-stabbing friends close and your vague enemies sort of far away. 

Love+Love=Ermahgerd

Question- when was the last time your mind was blown?  If you didn't answer 'right this second', then you're wrong.  Because it's about to be.  Check this action out.

You're welcome.

Yes friends- it's Assassin's Creed and Heroclix, brought together, like a chocolate/peanut butter combo delivered direct to the fringes of society.  I'm in, like, nerd heaven.  I love Assassin's Creed.  I love Heroclix.  To have them both together at the same time...well, it's as if you like a girl, and you also like her sister, but you can't decide...so you just decide to start dating their mom.  That's what it's like for me.  That's what I'm feeling right now. 

That said, I don't believe that I'll see the perfect iteration of Ezio in Clix form until I get to heaven.  So I do have some nits to pick.  Overall I'm pretty stoked though.  So stoked that I decided to bring you my thoughts, in blog form.  Which I'm guessing you probably already figured out.

Warning- I'll probably reduce myself to quite a bit of Heroclixese here with a little Assassinish mixed in with zero form of  translation.  I'm a terrible ambassador of my passions.  Sue me.

(Wait, wait, don't sue me- because the only items I have of value are my clix and my Assassin's Creed PS3 collection!!!!!)

What I like:

1) The pose.  I'm not too crazy about the picture of the sculpt- there's just so much detail and color in the Ezio costume and this picture makes it look like they captured exactly none of that.  Nonetheless, it's a classic Ezio pose, and very reminiscent of a Renaissance-era crotch chop.

2) The Team Ability- I'm guessing you probably don't know much about Heroclix.  Let me just tell you that stealth is pretty spectacular.  In a game where range rules, the man who can't be seen is king.  True, there are ways to circumvent stealth, but by and large, stealth affords our friend Mr. Auditore here a very effective layer of protection.  The average figure is gonna have to mosey on over to our friend here and hope that they doesn't roll doubles 1s, 2s, or 3s (or 4s if they have a sucky attack value).  Because if they do, they're gonna get a hidden blade right to the face (or something...more on that in a minute).

For the most part, the team ability really a pretty cool representation of the combat system.  They attack, they miss, you attack, you hit (and usually kill, but that wouldn't make a very fun Clix ability).  Apparently most of the local militia (also known as 'guards') were pretty much terrible combatants, dressing up in their expensive armor every morning and waiting for some ridiculously skilled assassin to engage them in a duel and then kill them.  Gloriously. 

3) Most of the powers are pretty accurate and feel authentic to the experience of Ezio.  

Name of power (actual Heroclix power).  You with me?

• Roof running (Leap/climb)- Let me just tell you that I've played four Assassins Creed games and the joy and thrill of the Leap of Faith never gets old.  NEVER.  The idea of jumping off of stories high buildings- backwards, mind you- into shallow bales of hay and/or bushes of flowers goes so far over the line of Ridiculosity that after a couple dozen of these jumps, you start to rationalize how you're able to jump right out of the hay bale and continue running through the streets.  After a hundred or so, you start to believe that not only is this feat humanly possibly, but that you yourself could do it too.  After that, your wife ties you up and throws you in the trunk every time your family stops at a building taller than ten feet.  You bet your sweet bippy that every single time I move Ezio off of some elevated terrain, I'm going to be making the eagle screech while I pick my figure up off the table and drop him onto his back in the next square. 
• Altaïr's Armor (Invulnerability)- This is such a clever nod to the game play, it's not even funny.  In the game, Altaïr uses a mystical relic, the Apple of Eden, to create the perfect armor, made out of some new mystery metal (probably unobtanium) that is extremely strong (maximum health), unbreakable- and light enough to allow "complete freedom".  Ezio usually obtains this towards the end of game play, after collecting the six seals to unlock the tomb (or something).  Assuming that most characters in the Clix-creed system have damage values of 1-2 (again...more on that in a minute), his armor will be de facto impenetrable.  Well played, WizKids...well played.
• Poison Blade (Poison)- One of the most discreet ways to kill foes is by jabbing them with the hollow blade filled with poison.  It's super effective because it's not a flashy kill- you just sort of step up to them and stick them quickly with the blade, and then the punctured person starts to flail around like a zombie doing the Monster Mash, and everybody just sort of stands back and watches (or gets nailed by a wayward zombie arm) until the deceased falls to the ground and you can totally loot them of all their stuff (if you can tolerate people talking about your blasphemy).  My two favorite things to do with poison are: 
• Go up behind a group of guards and stab one of the ones in the rear (note: I'm stabbing a guard in the rear of the group, not stabbing a guard in his personal rear), and then just watch as the rest of the guards continue on their rounds.  Either that or I get bored and just go kill the rest of the guards.  
• Bribe a herald (which cost 500 florins), stick him, and then wait until he stopped spazzing and get my money back.  I know he's just doing his job, telling all the people about the dangerous assassin, but come on, man- 500 bones?  That's a lot of dough, and I'm not made of money.  Not until late in the game, anyways.

 4) I'm 33 years old.  I've been married for seven years.  I have two children.   I graduated from college.  And I guffawed out loud when I looked up at my open Ezio-clix tab and saw that it said "Ass-creed".  Hehe.  Hehe.  Hehe.  "Ass-creed".

Of course, the grass is always Tuscan Ember-er on the other side, and signore Ezio is no exception.  Here's what I don't like:

1) If any Heroclix figure EVER deserved a special power granting combat reflexes and super senses, it's Ezio.  I mean, that's sort of the whole 'parry/dodge' combat system.  You basically just hold down that L1 button when you're being attacked, time the counter just right, and go into berserk mode with the chain kills.  I would have rather seen Ezio's defense peak at a natural 17 and have a special power granting him those two defensive powers (CR/SS) than the natural 18 with mastermind- that's how Ezio fights. 

Speaking of Mastermind....

2)  The presence of Mastermind, period.  I don't like it.  On the HCRealms discussion board, one dude eloquently described the Mastermind-special power as representing the Assassin's guild (which at this point Ezio was pretty much in charge of) and how they'd lay their lives down for the cause.  I'm actually fine with that, for the most part.  I just think that in the Clix combat system, his abilities would be better represented by the CR/SS combo.

Especially since they named the power 'Blend'.  'Blend' is obviously not sloughing off damage to some simpleton who is too inspired to know any better.  'Blend' is when Ezio is chilling with a compact group of civilians and your screen flashes wavy green and all of a sudden the guards can't see you.  In a perfect world, I would have combined 'Blend' with the team ability and made it so that Ezio could use stealth if he was adjacent to one or more friendly characters.  

3) If you've played the Assassin's Creed games, you know that Ezio is basically Batman in the 1400s.  Armed to the teeth, he has probably a couple dozen weapons to choose from and even though he doesn't have them all at once (his clothes are pretty much a bat belt though), at any given time he can kill a guard by:

• Hidden blade
• Poison blade
• Shooting a poison dart
• Throwing knives
• Dagger
• Sword
• Pistol (built into his gauntlet)
• Crossbow
• Bomb

And they represent this by a 4 range and 1 target????  I think his ranged capabilities would have been better represented by a special power giving him a choice of either 4 range with 3 targets (the throwing knives) or 8 range with 1 target (crossbow).   To me, that would have pretty much made any other shortcoming inconsequential- the fact that they missed the opportunity amplifies them instead.

Additionally, the number of 1s and 2s on the damage slot is a little disconcerting.  Would a couple of 3s killed anyone?  I mean...you know what I mean!  Sure, he's a mere man- I don't expect any Hulk-level shenanigans here.  But if Ezio comes across any sort of damage reduction at all (which, in a set bound to be populated with suits of armor, is not out of the realm of possibility), he's basically going to end up dealing out more paper cuts and scrapes than he is awesome death blows.

Pictured- Ezio dealing out awesome death blows

4)  A couple of other powers were missed, pretty egregiously I might add.  First off, his hidden blade.  I know, I know- the card says Hidden Blade (Close Combat Expert).   But when I'm ramming my hidden blade into that guards skull, it doesn't feel like I'm having my damage increased by 2- it feels like I'm dealing penetrating damage (to his brain.  And now he's dead.  BOOM).  That screams 'Exploit Weakness' to me.  Especially if they lined it up with his blades/claws/fangs, giving him the potential to deal 6 penetrating damage.  Powerful?  Sure.  But this is Ezio freaking Auditore.  This guy should be able to one-hit KO street level characters and strike fear into the hearts of more powerful foes.  Not that he doesn't do that to a degree....just not to the degree that he could/should be.

The other power blatantly missing is some form of willpower.  Pretty much any character can have an argument made for them to have willpower- but it's one of Ezio's defining characteristics.  More than the unrivaled badassness and weapons proficiency, Ezio is such a compelling character because of his drive and determination to lead humanity to the truth- even in face of sickeningly overwhelming odds, delicious conspiracies, and the death of pretty much everyone that is close to him.  He keeps plugging along through thirty-plus years and three video games.  And in the end, he's able to walk away from it all because of the love of a beautiful woman.  Which doesn't really tie into willpower at all, but seriously- Sofia is a foxy lady.

As long as you don't look at her face.  (Sorry ladies)

Overall- I do like the dial.  I'm a little discouraged by some of the shortcomings, especially since I can't see another Ezio figure coming out from this time period (there will be an Ezio from Revelations though, which gives me hope), but overall it does feel like it could be Ezio, and with the proper support (AKA, his fellow Assassins), Ezio could very well prove to be the stone-cold killer that is near and dear to my heart.

PIC- Ezio- http://heroclix.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/ass-creed-preview.jpg
Suddenly clear Clarence- http://knowyourmeme.com/photos/296645-sudden-clarity-clarence
Ezio killing- http://www.gameseyeview.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/11/Assassins-Creed-Brotherhood-Photos3.jpg
Sofia- http://images3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20110922214556/assassinscreed/images/6/68/Sofia-.png

Baby I'm glad you're back

Last March I gave a beautiful, emotionally charged, and surprisingly insightful epitaph on my deceased relationship with basketball.  If you've frequented my blog, you know that any declarative statement of any type that I make is basically just a placeholder for the next time I change my mind.  I go back and forth more than Pong.  So you shouldn't be surprised when I say to you that I have fallen in love with basketball all over again.

I think a couple of things have fueled the rebirth of my basketball jones.  Reading Bill Simmons certainly played a big role.  He is undoubtedly my favorite sports writer, and the passion, wit, and intelligence with which he writes about basketball is super contagious.  In fact, I could probably point to the day I started reading his Book of Basketball as the day I began to come home to hoops (this is a hindsight call- at the time, I didn't realize it fully).  It was like 700 pages reminding me what I love about the game.

Actually, now that I think about it, Simmons is probably the whole reason that I came back to hoops.  It certainly wasn't the NBA itself.  Sure, last season was extremely compelling (with a sweet feeling at the end) but then they went into lockout mode and it looked like the season would be canceled (note: in sports labor disputes, I always root for seasons to be canceled- I just think it's good for perspective)...then the game came back and Simmons wrote a bajillion articles in a short period of time, and I was pretty much hooked.  So thanks, Bill.

Really though, I don't think it was too much of a stretch to get back into it- the love was not buried in an unmarked grave, and so rekindling it from its hibernation was surprisingly simple.  Indeed, as I wrote in my basketball eulogy-
Basketball has this beautiful cadence about it. The bouncing of the ball against the hard wood floor. The squeak of the tennis shoes. The swish of the net. And the eloquence of the motion- a crossover dribble, a behind the back pass, three pointers from the corner, a sweet pick-and-roll.

I think more than any other sport, basketball is woven into my DNA, and as much as I may try to, I'll never be completely rid of my need for it.  It's like my own Ring of Power.  Purchasing NBA 2k11 (probably the most realistic sports simulation EVER) pretty much sealed the deal- between Grantland.com and my PS3, I'll be able to maintain my basketball crush indefinitely.


Last nights Boston-Miami showdown also reinforced basketball as my sport du jour.  And as unlikely as this may seem, LeBron James was the main protagonist.  Not in a 'hahaha FAIL' way either- but by putting on a masterpiece of a performance in last nights Game 6 win against the Boston Celtics.  I've never been a LeBron fan- in fact, I previously wrote this about the social enigma:
He's not the first (or only) athlete to think and act like he's bigger than the game...but gosh darn it does he annoy me. The whole macho-angry-scowl thing, the talcum powder toss, the Decision, the complaining during his rookie year when he wasn't named to the all-star team- it's ridiculous.


I suppose I'll always be a "hater", but I can also see that James is far and away the best player of this generation.  Still, even with all of his accomplishments and accolades and statistical feats, I had never ever EVER seen anything from him (or any other player for that matter) like I witnessed last night.  Mind=blown.

The stat line is certainly impressive- 45 points on 19-26 shooting (2-4 from beyond the arc), 15 rebounds, 5 assists, played the first 45 minutes straight- and the historical context makes it even more so- elimination game, on the road, against his previous personal dementor, the Celtics...but did you see it?  LeBron was locked in like I've never seen him locked in before.  The macho-act was gone, replaced by a stone-cold stoicism more often seen in the greatest killer the world has ever known.

Although with those wrist blades, I'll bet it's really hard to catch a bounce pass

And without having to actively repress the gag impulses from James' tough guy act, I was able to appreciate his full arsenal of offensive prowess.  Dunks, lay-ups, catch-and-shoot jumpers, leaners, fade-aways, circus shots.  Every trick in the bag was money last night.  Every basketball player has those days when they're feeling it- where everything you throw up just seems to go in- it's just that most of us have those days in front of the white brick walls of our local community center gymnasium and not thousands of fans at TD Garden with the fate of our season in the balance.  James just kept hitting shot after off-balanced shot, while the Celtics were helplessly throwing up their hands and arms in order to squelch the fire.  On a pair of possessions in the second quarter, James drew shooting fouls on jump shots because the Celtics were literally throwing themselves at him in order to slow him down.  Again, it was breathtaking to behold.

And there were some big shots, too.  When I started watching the game, Boston was down 22-12, and that's pretty much where they stayed until the end- always hanging around that 8-12 point deficit, always threatening to make a move but never quite getting there- because of LeBron James.  Whenever Boston started to put a couple buckets and stops together, James would come down and make some dagger shot Miami would go on another mini-run.  It was unreal. 

I will never be a Heat fan because of this (I'm confident that unless you're a Miami homer, you won't be either after you watch the video) but I am a fan of beauty, and the way LeBron James played last night was so logically beautiful, so unemotionally brilliant, that I not only have to tip my hat to him, but I have to say I really enjoyed watching him play.  Rather, I got to see LeBron the basketball player play last night, and that is so much more awesome than watching LeBron the showman or LeBron the global icon.

I still don't think I'll ever "root" for LeBron, but I have gained a new appreciation for him as a competitor and someone who takes his craft (and not just himself) seriously.  Congratulations LeBron- you've earned all the praise that comes your way for that performance.

But enough about my anti-crush.  Let's talk Rajon Rondo.  Last night was my first time seeing him play and I have to say I was quite impressed by him as well.  Since I've only missed the bandwagon by about five years, I won't be covering anything that hasn't been covered before- but still, the dude is one heck of a floor general.  He plays hard and seems to have total command of what's going on in the game at both ends of the floor.  If James hadn't been in Seek-and-destroy mode, Rondo would have been the most phenomenal dude on the court.

He's an amazing passer- both in his understanding of angles and his execution of simple plays.  Yes, he had 7 turnovers last night, but he made at least that many plays that made me say "wow"- either for their degree of difficulty or the ease of their simplicity.  I loved how, after the Heat made a free throw (or any stoppage of play, really), he'd let the ball slowly roll up the court before touching it, giving the Celtics a fuller 24 second clock for their halfcourt offense as well as extending the game.  I've always wondered why most teams wait until the end of close games before implementing such a strategy.  After witnessing Rondo pull it off a handful of times, I'm convinced it's one of the smartest things you could ever do.

I think what impressed most about Rondo was his ability to convert a dribble immediately into a pass.  Many basketball players can do this, but Rondo did this so seamlessly that it seemed like he must have the ball on a string. 

And besides, he possibly has the coolest athlete name ever.  Rajon has a very majestic-yet-silky texture that just sort of massages your tongue as it rolls over it, and his last name is even cooler:

Welcome back, basketball- I sure have missed you.

PICS- Ezio- http://www.cosplayisland.co.uk/files/costumes/1671/54204/Ezio-Auditore-de-Firenze--Assassins-Creed-2-psd27127.png
Rambo- http://moviecarpet.com/iwave/images/14/o-rambo-5-will-be-his-last-stand-all-unforgiven-style.jpg

The Skyrim Times- or another possible goose chase.

I have a very ambitious yet fun sounding project in my head. I’m not sure if I’ll go through with it…but the idea tickles me- I want to create an ongoing newspaper for the video game Skyrim.

It’s such a deep, dense game that I’m not sure I could pull it off. It’s definitely not something that I’m going to be starting anytime soon- I’m still playing through Skyrim and I want to beat the game without having to focus on anything else. Ideally I’ll then start it over and start taking notes and whatnot.

In my head, I’m imagining making my character into a captured journalist who escapes from the dragon and makes off to Whiterun. He becomes an investigative reporter for the Whiterun News (or something). I’d write up stories on the silly local shenanigans, with maybe an editorial on the state of affairs in the larger Skyrim, pieces on creatures and plant life, local fare, shopping reviews, and occasional tidbits from the other holds as well. I’m thinking it will be a nice mix of serious information and absurd silliness.

I’m putting this out there to see if anyone would be interested in collaborating with me on this project. I will definitely need some fellow historians- there is such complexity in this game, it’s overwhelming! Articles and headlines will also have to be written. And there are definitely article types (food critic, for example) that I’m not overly familiar with.

If you’re interested, please hit me up on tumblr (http://backwardspants.tumblr.com) or here. I may or may not create a separate tumblr account for this, I’m not sure. But seriously, if this sounds like something you’d be at all interested in collaborating on- even if it’s just to peruse the final product and offer suggestions, that’d be awesome!

PS- For those with a memory of such things, no, I have not forgotten about my Ezio diary project- it's just sitting in the heap with all of the other projects of the moment.  But...it is at the top of that heap and I have put some work into it- so probably by the time Assassins Creed: 8 comes out, it should be ready to go.

Assassins Creed: Revelations comes out today...which means I won't be getting it for a couple months

This blog is one of those rare entities where the title of my blog pretty much says what I want the whole blog to say.  And if you want to leave right now, I wouldn't blame you.  You've probably spent minutes, if not hours, reading my posts before only to arrive at the end with your neck involuntarily spasming and contracting your face into your desk.  So leave now if you must.  I won't hold it against you.  You'll just miss out on the chance to win free money.

Now that I have you hooked, I'm going to tell you that there actually is no chance at winning free money.  But hahaha- you're hooked!  You can't just leave now!  You'd look/feel foolish.  So even though you'll keep reading until the end with slightly blushing cheeks and an increasingly complex plan for vengeance, by the time you reach the end of this I'll most likely be washing my hair in another country.  Also, you'll notice that I've managed to stretch a blog that admittedly was summarized in the title into two whole paragraphs. 

(I just wanted a chance to show a picture of pre-meltingly hot Patrick McDreamy Pants)

But let's get down to some business. Because I do actually have something I would consider to be relevant commentary on the thesis I proposed in my title.

Yes, the new Assassins Creed game (Revelations) comes out today and I want it- bad.  In fact, on my Wishpot wish list, I gave it the highest desire ranking I could-  I neeeed it!  I've played through the first three games (although Assassins Creed: Revelations is not Assassins Creed IV...it's more like II.III), and could conceivably never own another (non-Assassins Creed) game for the rest of my life.  They're amazing.


The Assassins Creed games are basically every dudes fantasy set a few hundred years in the past.  Your whole job is to climb up buildings, kick butt, mess with the local police force, and sometimes kill bad guys.  You have an almost unlimited means of income.  You can rent women.  At any given time, you'll have a pistol, two hidden daggers, a sword, a knife, some vials of poison, and several throwing blades on your person.  You are always in peak physical fitness and you can traipse around the city wearing robes and armor.  In other words, this is exactly the kind of stuff we used to play when we were kids, except our weapons were sticks and women were still the enemy (cooties are much like a weaponized Krippen virus back then).  I don't need to buy any more video games ever...that is, until they make a new Assassins Creed game.
 

I'm mostly joking when I say this, but that's pretty much what capitalism is built on- the production and consumption of things that we don't really need.  And the people that make these things (and the people that market them) are very, VERY good at their jobs.  Sure, I don't need this game at all in a technical sense, and I definitely need things like toilet paper, gasoline, and a place to live much more than I need to roam around virtual Constantinople in the 1500s. I know these things in my head.  I know the the games $59.99 price tag will go down considerably after a few months, and I'll be able to play the same game but for cheaper (while also having a home where I can wipe my bum with the toilet paper I drove to the store to buy).

But that didn't stop me from having to basically strap myself to a chair and take myself offline over the past week as my mind kept trying to figure out some way, any way, to get my hands on that game on the day it came out.  "How much cushion do we have in the checking account?  How much remaining balance is on that credit card?  How much could I get if I sold this game or that book or those children?  Hey, I could order from here and open a new account...".  Even though I rationally understand that the ability to wait will give us added financial stability while saving money in the long run, my brain was still trying to convince me to just go ahead and get the game already.  Thanks a lot, brain.

Please understand, I'm not looking for sympathy (maybe a little) or a handout (although I wouldn't give it back)- I'm just relaying the ridiculous struggle that I'm sure millions of Americans go through when their favorite book/movie/game/toy is released to stores.  Somehow, whether from our parents or our friends or commercials or our own humanity (or a combination of the above), we get roped into the capitalist mindset and struggle to suppress immediate gratification for trivia even though the practical situational reality should work just fine to ensure that we focus our energies on the bottom parts of the hierarchy.  You know, just things like FOOD.  WATER.  SHELTER.


Capitalism doesn't want to hear that noise though, so they created credit cards.  And while things have changed in recent years to make things less unfair for credit card users (including not having college kids sitting around giving out free t-shirts for signing up for your first credit card), that doesn't change the reality for myself and millions of Americans. 

I don't think this is a moral issue or something where it makes me (and people like me) somehow 'inferior' to others.  The system was created to exploit us!  I'm frustrated that the Occupy Wall Street dividing line seems to be between hippie socialists and stoic Great Depression survivors.  Many on the stoic side say , "If I want something I just save for it.  I don't live past my means".  Which is, by all accounts, outstanding.  I commend you.  That doesn't give you the right to look down on the rest of us, but I commend you.

Unfortunately, that's not everybody.  And it isn't that I want a bailout, or a do-over.  I made mistakes- I know that, I own them, and have no problem paying back the money that I borrowed against my future to pay for the present. That's my role in all this.  I may not have completely understood the ramifications, but I at least knew that I'd have to pay this money back.

The system is still screwed up though.  It's designed around people like me.  Without people like me, it falls apart.  So they use crazy powerful science to manipulate our feelings, emotions, thinking and get us to desire things that we don't really need (or even want)...and then they give us the means to purchase those things even when we don't have the means.  That's why I'm generally for the Occupy movement.  The system is designed to keep the masses suppressed and immobilized while a select few hold onto the resources and power in our society.

But I'm getting slightly off topic.  I honestly didn't mean to turn this into anti-capitalist propaganda.  I actually was hoping primarily to talk about how I'm refocusing my other blog.  You know, the Sojourn Boulevard one?  What am I talking about- of course you remember.  Pretend like I didn't even question.

I'm pretty much turning it into my own little on-line journal/diary/what have you about Ezio's escapades through late 15th-early 16th century Italy.  There's three games (as well as some novels and a wiki), so I should have lots of info for plenty of shenanigans to keep me busy.  I will miss the Darth Vader/Dr. Manhattan/Ezio roomie situation (and possibly one day will bring it back), but in the end I just don't have the chops to pull it off right now.  Not that I have the chops to pull of most of what I write, but hey, what do you expect?  Don't look for it anytime soon necessarily- I've actually taken it offline for the time being- because I'm trying to focus more on seriousy type stuff.  But I just wanted to let you, the faithful reader, be in the know before the know gets known.  Ya know?

So now- aren't you glad you finished reading this post?  Please, don't answer that.

PIC- https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZpEv46uXahSw9S0bZ8K8ogVBbeobrWDV1A6PFsATEd8fUf_W40iEcjnl3g5JUTSbZFYxwxaukGEFoWUH2V0XjnMKVWzceQAIWsbgJ7PDsw9GQDs3xVaHyD8c2eVdvNRw4UW3yOvNyBRk/s1600/Can-t-Buy-Me-Love-caps-patrick-dempsey-7134090-720-528.jpg

New (old?) blogs preview (postview? I'm so confused)

Almost two weeks ago, I wrote about my plans for my blog. If you didn't read it, let me recap: I realized that I was trying to spread myself too thin, and that my lack of focus was hurting my ability to really take this blog anywhere. The end. I realize that I hyperlinked to that blog and that you could read for yourself what I said, but I like to think of myself as a nice guy, so I decided to give you the synopsis. But since I'm also a narcissist, I decided to hyperlink it as well. Gets my page view count up.

Of course, plans change. After I wrote that blog, I had a friend recommend tumblr to me as an excellent writing community and means to procure a new audience and helpful critical feedback. I decided to give it a go, and what was once one blog has now been reborn as a three headed monster. I realize that it seems silly. And it is. So then, let's review my blog roster!

If you're reading this, you're at my home base blog. It has been, and will be, the blog of choice for anyone who is concerned with keeping up a trendy image. That might be a lie. The restructuring will give this blog more of a social science/humanities focus. Anything from overpopulation to religion to sociology to gender roles- you name it. Actually, don't name it. I have a limited arsenal and a diminishing vocabulary. Allow me to dictate this blog on my terms.

This is my old new blog that is on tumblr. It's called 'Backwards Pants'. It's been in existence for about five days. Backwards Pants exists primarily to expand my audience/readership base. Everything (at least, that's the plan right now) I post on here will be posted on there. However, I will have some new stuff on tumbr as well, including my long-awaited return to the poetry sector. Tumblr will serve as my potpourri outlet- if I get the urge to write about Megamind, I'll do it there. Should I garner up the courage to revisit my Super Bowl MVP reassessment, those football players will be wearing Backwards Pants.

This is my new new blog (and the reason why I'm making a second housekeeping post in a weeks time). It's pure unadulterated silliness, and is based on my long-standing love of sketch comedy. The basic premise is that Darth Vader has been stationed on Earth, in Michigan's Upper Peninsula. He lives in a fictional residence- 411 Sojourn Boulevard. To save on expenses and household maintenance, he decides to take on a couple of roommates. His roommates? Dr. Manhattan from the Watchmen and Ezio Auditore from the Assassins Creed.

To me, the idea of these three drastically different (and completely made-up) universes coming together and interacting in a fourth completely different (but actual) universe- is hilarious and should be tons of fun to try and spin. I think it will stretch me as a writer as well- trying to write character-specific parts and using things like dialogue are not a normal part of my repertoire. To speak plainly- I am stoked out of my mind about this project.

I'm still doing 'research' for this blog, and plot lines are still being hatched. By 'research', I mean reading comics and playing video games. So even if the blog fails- it's definitely winning. I'm hoping to have a post up in a few days. No promises about frequency thereafter- I want to make sure that I have a good hold on the individual characters before I plunge in, and I don't want to sacrifice my award-winning philanthropist insights.

Okay, I'm done with my glorified office memos for awhile. I will soon resume my regularly scheduled dissemination of unique insights, humor, and factoids that will illuminate your brains and make you live happily ever after.