Season 2012 first half of the first half review (that's a quarter for those of you who can afford the change)

In an effort to provide you with even more inanely unnecessary fantasy football coverage, I am now providing my in-season game reports in quarterly fashion- that means twice as many articles for you to ignore!

Wait a second, who am I kidding?  You live for this stuff.

Week 1- I was expecting the Knights here (a Lions homer that I trounced twice last year), but with last minute division realignment I was left with a match-up against War Machine, a traditional thorn in my proverbial side.  At the end of the day, though, I apparently didn't need to spend $600 on that therapy session as the Snow Flurries ended up winning a 146-83 laugher.  I wonder if I can get a refund on all that Xanax...
What went right- 8 of 9 guys went for double digits- 3 in the 20s.  Wow.  Talk about overkill.  I mean, that escalated quickly, that really got out of hand fast.  Let me assure you that my team is not about embarrassing the opposition, and I made sure that I went over to the War Machine sideline and said I was really sorry and explained to him that this really isn't what we're about.

Then we shook hands.  Then we yelled.

Oh well.  I'm not here to make friends.  Actually that's not true.  Besides, things are so good right now that I don't even care that Dwayne Bowe only had 5 points.  Do you remember how I pretty much lamented the drafting of Gore, Ridley, Jones, and...well, everyone?  I sure don't.  This is my team.  These are my guys.  Don't you come all up in here, pissing all over our cornflakes unless you're bladder somehow secretes sweet, sweet buttermilk.  We're the Snow Flurries, and we're awesome!
What went wrong- Nothing.  I played my best guys and they had the most points.  The end.
Bonehead play- Again, nothing.  This week was pretty much the definition of fantasy perfection.  The Snow Flurries are well on their way to another season that raises the expectations just enough to thoroughly crush all hope in the playoffs.

Week 2- If week 1 was the triumphant sequel to my 2011 overture (think "Godfather II"), then week 2 was "Weekend at Bernie's 2".  And just like that, my season has started going downhill faster than an porta-potty on wheels.  Matched up against Center League newcomer Fergette, the Snow Flurries welcoming party forgets to bring a dish to pass in a 153-86 loss. 
What went right- Bowe redeems himself with a 23 point outing, and Tom Brady (barely) has 17.  My attempts to motivate Frank Gore by trashing him out-of-hand are clearly working as he has a second straight strong outing. And, um... not all of Fergettes dudes go for double digits.
What went wrong- Start with the injuries- Aaron Hernandez went out in the first quarter of his game, Matt Forte in the third.  At least Forte got hurt in Week 2 instead of late in the season like last year, so I'll have more time to find a replacement/kick myself for not securing Michael Bush as a handcuff.  Also, I mentioned that not all of Fergette's players went for double digits- merely 7 of 9.  On top of that, Victor Cruz, Reggie Bush, CJ Spiller simply went off, scoring 85 points by themselves.  Let that simmer for a minute- three players on the opposing team scored one point less than my entire team was able to muster. 
Bonehead play-Well, since I didn't have Cruz, Bush, or Spiller to sit on my bench...I'd have to say leaving Ingram riding the pine against the Carolina Panthers, who seem to have one of the worst run defenses in the history of bad run defenses.  Of course, this information really wouldn't have helped me this week- I was run out of the gym.  Still, it goes to show how little I'm really paying attention.  When has that ever come back to bite me though?

Try the very next week.

Week 3- One play.  One.  Stinking. Play.  That's it.  That's all that separated sweet, sweet victory over two-time champion Disco and a division leading 2-1 record with defeat and a 1-2 start .  One play that I didn't make, and now I'm sitting here wallowing in the misery of a 92-84 defeat.  Ah, ineptitude.  My old friend.  I really missed you.
What went right- Robbie Gould had 13 points.  My kicker.  13 points.  And really, that's about the best thing I can say for my team this week. 
What went wrong- They say confession is good for the soul, and while I'll get more in depth in the 'Bonehead Moves' part of the show, right here I'll just come out and say it: I sat Andre Brown and his 25 points.  Yeah, that really doesn't feel any better.  What really killed me though was Peyton Manning's 26 points.   Especially since he was busy sucking the first 2.5 quarters (I even saw a couple of his throws in the third quarter and it reminded me of...well, me).  I've now been beaten in successive weeks by Reggie Bush and post-neck operation Peyton.  I just don't know what else can possibly go wrong. 
Bonehead move- Long story short, I jumped off the Ryan Williams bandwagon about as quickly as I jumped on it.  He was averaging a little over a yard per carry and had two fumbles in two games.  Not exactly the stuff of legend- unless you're talking the legend of The Incompetent Duckling.  So I dropped him and picked up Brown after a nice little 7 point outing in the stead of the injured Ahmad Bradshaw.  Similar thing happened last year on the Giants with some dude named Victor Cruz.  Seemed to work out pretty well for him- and for me.

So after deftly swiping Brown off of the waiver wire right before he plays against the not-very-good Panthers D- I sit him.  I'm not sure why.  Maybe I missed the part where he was playing the Panthers.  Perhaps I was a little too enraptured by the idea of Jonathan Dwyer (whom I saw have, like, a 70ish yard run this one time).  It could have been the early season Thursday night game threw me off.  Whatever the case- I sat 25 points and started -2 points, even though I knew that Brown was going to be getting most of the carries for the Giants and Dwyer was going to be sharing carries with Isaac Redman.  I tried to beat the system, and the system destroyed me.

What really, REALLY sucks is that I can't even draw solace from my concubine league because my mom (my mom!  I freaking lost to my mom!!!) had Ray Rice and Joe Flacco, which basically doubled her point output Sunday night and turn a sure win into a definite loss.  Oh, and Ryan Williams?  He only had 9 points- 9 points which in place of the negadeuce that Dwyer dropped would have won me the game as well.  The lesson here, as always- trust a Cardinal before you trust a Steeler and your mom is better at fantasy football than you. 



After leading the league in scoring last season and getting off to that same type of start, we're falling apart.  Well, maybe 'falling apart' is too strong.  Really I'm one bad play away from being 2-1.  I can't panic when I'm one bad play away from being 2-1.  I had somebody offer a trade to take Julio Jones away from me- he offered a couple solid players, but right now is not the time for solid.  Now is the time to remember who we are, circle the wagons and remind my team that at full strength, we blew everybody else away in week 1.  And also, time to go back to the pharmacy and see if I can get some of that Xanax back. 

I feel pretty good about my team (other than Jonathan Dwyer, who I jettisoned faster than Harry Dunne on Turbo Lax I'll spare you the hyperlink.  My draft, other than the injuries and poor performances, has panned out rather nicely, led by Frank Gore who has drastically exceeded expectations (to be fair, he could have pulled a Billy Cole and still been slightly better than I was anticipating).  All I know is that it's a long season and nobody ever won a championship after the first three weeks.  Well, except for the Miami Heat.  And we all know how that turned out.

PIC: http://cdn.bleacherreport.net/images_root/images/photos/001/404/276/129390268_crop_650x440.jpg?1318892311

Draftstravaganza 2012: The appetizer

First of all- I can't believe I hadn't ever mushed 'Draft' and 'Extravaganza' into 'Draftstravaganza' before.  It's incredible!  Now that I've done it once, I feel like I'll do it again and again and again until I feel the same way I did as a 12-year old when I thought I had coined the phrase 'silent-but-deadly'- a virtuoso of creative genius just waiting to get smacked in the face by the realization that pretty much everybody else in history had done the same thing. 

It's funny what 11-2 can do.  The last couple years, I put in zero prep time.  And as much as I'd like to say that my lack of prep time actually helped me to a league-best regular season mark, the fact that I nabbed Tom Brady in the first round and stole Jordy Nelson/Jimmy Graham in later rounds (both of which I had seen star in the previous seasons' playoffs) probably had something (READ: everything) to do with that.  This year, in an effort to not suck again I studied up like crazy.  Well, okay, so actually I just read a couple articles by Bill Barnwell and a couple of Bleacher Report lists.  Still, comparing my preparation time with last years, I was a veritable Marshall Eriksen.

From the National Studying Hall of Fame induction banquet, 2005

However, don't let the flashy new name and feigned preparation fool you (although if you did, that would help immensely)- this is a draft recap brought to you by Jason Parks, which means you're going to get the rundown of whether I would like to draft my previous years draft picks, and my pre-season thoughts about my draft picks.  As an added bonus, I'm going to be adding a little blurb about the player picked directly before my choice and the one immediately following.  My hope is that this will give you a little more context to my selections, as well as giving you more bang for your buck.

But first things first-which of my 2011 picks was I looking to nab for the 2012 squad?

1 Tom Brady, QB: After a record-setting 2011 campaign, I had the good fortune to keep Brady for the rest of forever.  Which I will be doing, by the way.

2 Darren McFadden, RB: A guy I really would have liked to have again- a supreme talent whose skill level is only matched by his inability to stay healthy.  And since he's probably going to get picked early because of his talent, I'm not planning on getting him.

3 Matt Forte, RB: Despite getting injured last season (and likely single handedly keeping me from winning in the playoffs...just saying), Forte had 163 points last year (6th most all time) and is my second keeper.  That said, I desperately want to make sure I end up with his back-up, Michael Bush.  Just in case...obviously...you know...okay, can we keep going?

4 Mike Williams, WR (Tampa): Mike Williams 2.Tampa is not really on my radar at this time.  Well, that's not entirely true.  He is sort of on my radar.  Because I have a heat-seeking missile  with his name on it set to deploy if he comes within a 100 yards of Snow Flurry HQ.  Freaking Mike Williams

5 Beanie Wells, RB: The consolation prize to McFadden in the 'Talented Backs Who Have A Significant Injury History'.  Unfortunately for Beanie, I'm not playing that game this year.

6 Brandon Lloyd, WR:  While Lloyd is probably in a fairly awesome fantasy scenario (reunited with Josh McDaniels, catching balls from Tom Brady), I'm not going to really go out of my way to look for him.  There's just too much pass catching talent in New England to go after anyone not named Gronkowski or Welker.

7 Mario Manningham, WR: Perhaps I'm harboring a little resentment for Mario leaving Michigan early when Rich Rod rolled over a hundred years of tradition, class, and excellence into town- but I can't see "upgrading" from Eli Manning to Alex Smith being a good career move.  So no.

8 Sam Bradford, QB: I'm not sure what to think about this cat.  He had a solid rookie season and is legally insane brimming with confidence.  But he's also coming off of an injury-plagued 2011 and still plays for the Rams.  I guess if I can't get any other QBs and he's still available in the 16th round...gah.  I don't know.  Flip for it?

By the way, did you notice how I utilized the cross out in back-to-back paragraphs?  Don't worry, I don't plan to use it again for awhile.  I just thought you'd like to know that I do kind of pay attention to my writing.

9 Brandon Jacobs, RB: I read this really smart sounding article about running backs and the age of 30 and steep decline- and in typical Jason Parks fashion, I went and forgot most of it.  So in the absence of solid data, I should probably just go ahead and try and draft him.

10 Jimmy Graham, TE: Oh Jimmy.  Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy.  I want you back, baby- you know I do...but once I decided to not keep you, I knew that my fellow league members would jump all over you like I basted you in Samuel L. Jackson and threw you into the Deep Blue Sea.  Just know this, Jimmy- no one can take away our magical season together.  Not even Roger Goodell.

11 Ravens Defense:  The Ravens D scored 263 points for me last year, the second most in team history.  You better believe I'm hunting these guys down.  After all, they still have Ed Reed, right?

12 Jordy Nelson, WR:  While I would never stray away from a chance to draft an Aaron Rodgers receiver, I imagine 'ol Jordy here going much, much higher than the 12th round slot I was able to nab him in.  And until he has back-to-back historical seasons, that's just a little too high for moi. 

13 Mike Williams, WR(Free Agent):  The much anticipated red-zone threat never materialized.  In fact, he never materialized so much that he dematerialized from the NFL.  Which puts his chances of being drafted by me at about 25%.

14 Greg Olsen, TE: Olsen never really saw the field for the Snow Flurries.  At all.  What, with my season-long running episode of the 'Jimmy and The Gronk' show, and Jeremy Shockey and Steve Smith taking away catches/Cam Newton hawking red zone TDs for his real team...Olsen was not nearly the factor I thought he would be.  But now Jimmy and The Gronk went all Hollywood on me, Shockey's gone, and Newton will likely see a dip in his TD scoring- which means that there is potential for a Greg Olsen in my life. 

15 Patriots Defense: They could string together a season's worth of shutouts and I still wouldn't trust this defense with a ten foot pole.  See?  SEE?  They've scarred me so much that I mixed up my metaphors. 

16 Neil Rackers, K:  I've said it before, and I'll say it again- as long as any kicker is not Nick Folk, I will always welcome him in with open arms and foot firmly planted on his butt 'just in case'.

17 Steve Breaston, WR: After Steve found out I was using him to pass secret messages to Dwayne, he stopped speaking to me.  Which is fine- I have little use for WRs that don't score.  Yeah, you heard me right Steve.  Take THAT!!!  (sniff sniff...you bastard)

18 New York (Giants) Defense:  If I can somehow land the Ravens defense, I will have little use for these guys- even if they did just win a Super Bowl.

19 Cam Newton, QB:  Wait, who is this guy?  Are you sure I drafted him last year?  Did he even play last year?

I mean other than in the NFL's annual post-season All-Star game.

So this is my frame of mine heading into the draft.  Last year I had a team that kicked names and took ass- and while I won't be able to have all of them back on my team, they'll all be welcomed back in my heart.  (Cue 'Awwwww' from studio audience)

Tune in later this week (or sometime next week...or just whenevs) to find out who I actually drafted.  And then, hold onto your butts.

'Cuz it's about to get REALZ yo.

PIC: Marshall- http://i2.listal.com/image/640245/500full.jpg
Newton- http://www1.pictures.zimbio.com/gi/Cam%2BNewton%2B2012%2BPro%2BBowl%2B8jySPI7CZtbl.jpg
Jackson- http://i.ytimg.com/vi/T9uuPza41Uw/0.jpg

The NORTH Michigan Snow Flurries All-Time Leaderboard (Yes. I did.)

Okay world.  It's time.  You can release the collective breath you were holding while you are sitting on the edge of your collective seat.  It's August, and that can only mean one thing. 

Fantasy Football is starting!

I know, I know, I wrote before how I was done writing about Fantasy Football.  But not only am I not done writing about Fantasy Football, I am going to write a separate post about how I am not done writing about Fantasy Football.  Yeah.  That's how 'not done' I am.

Today, I will complete my draft for the 2012 rendition of the Snow Flurries.  I will begin to analyze my draft in context of what I did last year and what I hope for this year (with, yup, you guessed it- yet another separate post), and prepare for the most agonizing 13 weeks of the year.

In an effort to really, REALLY amp up the excitement factor (or ridiculousness...they're so close as to be kissing, after all), I went through my past three seasons of games and figured out who scored how many points when...then I wrote all those down...and I am now honored to have the privilege of bringing to you, for the first time EVER in digital glory...the NORTH Michigan Snow Flurries All-Time Leaderboard.  Yes, folks, in case you ever wondered who my all-time leading scorer is or how many 20+ point games that Tom Brady had during his magic 2011 season...well, you don't have to wonder any more.  I figured it out for you.

You're welcome.

Besides, I didn't just do this for you.  I did it for me and my future Snow Flurries.  Because I understand the Big picture.  See, when an athlete gets drafted, they aren't just getting drafted to compete on the field for their (Year X) team.  They are competing against the legacy of your predecessors, the legend of the ghosts of sports lore.  They are competing against the expectations of the fans and the weight of all those memories.  The great ones are the ones who learn how to be themselves in the greater context of these franchises, bringing glory to themselves in pursuit of further glory for the storied franchise.  Confused?  You won't be...not after I bring the understanding. 

Think of a franchise like a big Sarlacc pit.

For some of you, this is easier to imagine than others.

The pit itself represents the franchise.  The people getting eaten are the things that bring the franchise glory- whether it be championships, wins, or what have you.  The spikes on the sides represent all of the players in the history of the franchise.  They're a part of the glorious lineage of the pit, er, franchise-, and I'm assuming that the franchise needs them- but they aren't doing as much to bring glory as those gross looking tentacle thingies...which are, of course, the superstars.  The Jeters, the Bradys, the Duncans- guys that use their skills to help drag unsuspecting victims to their 1,000-years-of-digestion death.  Also, I think I may have mixed up my metaphors.

For future Snow Flurries, our pit is sort of small and definitely hungry.  Coming into year four of our program, those lucky few will be battling the ghosts of an all-time 21-18 team that has never won a do-or-die playoff game.  Unfortunately an actual Sarlacc pit would probably be a more desirable destination.  Lucky for me, they don't get to chose.  Get drafted, get your bags packed, and get to Snow Flurries camp, punk!

Here are the top four in each category that I took the time to compile.  These lists actually go bigger, but I figure I should only reveal my awesomness in small doses to keep people from dying from second hand exposure.  You'll notice Tom Brady's 2011 all over the list.  He's the big, wriggling snake of our sarlacc pit of mediocrity.

Most Points, Game

1. 44, Tom Brady, 2011 vs. Knights
2. 39, (Tie) 
1. Denver D/ST, 2009 vs. War Machine
2. Bears D/ST, 2010 vs. El Diablo
3. 37, Ravens D/ST, 2011 vs. InUrWallet TaknEvr1s$$$$
4. 36, Dwayne Bowe, 2010 vs. Disco

Most Points, Season

1. 309, Tom Brady, 2011
2. 263, Ravens D/ST, 2011
3. 228, Ben Roethlisberger, 2009
4. 192, Donovan McNabb, 2009

Most Points, Career (Non-Defense)       

1. 309, Tom Brady, 2011
2. 306, Michael Turner, 2009-2010
3. 238, Ben Roethlisberger, 2009-2010
4. 192, Donovan McNabb, 2009

20+ point games, Season

1. 10, Tom Brady, 2011
2. 7, Ben Roethlisberger, 2009
3. 6, Ravens D/ST, 2011
4. 5, Dwayne Bowe, 2010

20+ point games, Career

1. 10, Tom Brady, 2011
2. 7, (Tie)
1. Ben Roethlisberger, 2009
2. Ravens D/ST, 2010-2011
3. 6, Michael Turner, 2009-2010
4. 5, Dwayne Bowe, 2010

And now you've tasted my brilliance.  Please excuse yourself to the restroom before spitting it into the sink.

PIC: http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb58378/starwars/images/2/25/Sarlacc-BTM-DB.jpg

A world worth living in? One man's quest to take hyperbole to new heights.

For those who don't follow sports, the Miami Heat beat the Oklahoma City Thunder last night in the NBA Finals to go up 3 games to 1 in their best of 7 series.  With the next game in Miami, there is a really good chance that LeBron James will be a World Champion by this weekend.

And I don't know how I feel about that.

Let me back up- I know how I feel about that.  I don't like it- at all.  I am sick and tired of LeBron.  Honestly, I've never not been sick and tired of LeBron.  I've rooted for his failure pretty much since he came into the league.  I watched with a particular glee last summer as the Dallas Mavericks added to his history of Finals failures.  I think I read every single news piece about LeBron's 4th quarter failures like some sort of bizarro proud papa.  I cheer Skip Bayless (Skip Bayless!) every time he says "Prince" James in that condescendingly sarcastic tone of voice.  Now, as he stands on the brink of vanquishing his playoff demons and engraving his name onto the pages of history- I find myself wrestling with how I'm processing this particular event.

Because the thought of LeBron having a championship is affecting me way, WAY more than it should.  Not enough to make me want to jump off of a building or cause property destruction or anything like that- but I am realizing that there is part of me, however small (I do not know), that has derived some sense of identity from LeBron James' failures, a conscience fueled by schadenfreude.  The closer LeBron James gets to his first title, the stronger those little, subtle punches to the gut become.

And I know how I feel about that- it's sort of sickening.  Because really, nothing changes for me in a post-LeBron championship world other than I now have to view LeBron through a different lens.  But he'll still be a world-famous, multi-millionaire athlete- and I'll still be Jason Parks, playing Angry Birds and writing blogs that no one reads.

So why do I care so much?  Is it because I'm a fan?  Maybe, but I'm not so sure.  In this instance, I'm not really rooting for a specific team, I'm just rooting for teams that play LeBron.  So I guess you could say I'm an anti-fan (LeBron fans might refer to me as a 'hater').  Instead of rooting for a specific team to win, I'm cheering for a specific player to lose.

Messed up, I know.  I take solace in the fact that I'm not alone.  Many people around the world dislike LeBron with as little reason (or less, if that can be believed) as I have.  Of course, many people just as mindlessly like LeBron.  Or at least, LeBron the name brand.  How funny that we can attach such strong emotions (on both sides) to people with such little interaction with them.

Truthfully it isn't just LeBron though.  I've always been this way when it comes to high profile athletes.  Michael Jordan was my first anti-fan association.  Brett Favre is on the list too, as well as Tom Brady (although after leading my Fantasy Football team to it's best showing ever, he's probably off this list), Emmitt Smith, Eric Lindros and Sidney Crosby.  On a more mezzo-level, you can throw in the Yankees, Duke and North Carolina (hoops), Ohio State (all sports)- and that's pretty much it.  I think.

I'd like to say that my disdain for these individuals/teams is because somehow I'm this extraordinary free-thinking spirit who despises being told who is good/who to like and carves out my own path.  But nope- because anytime a player (or team) comes along that is heads above his peers, my anti-fandom comes poking his head out like those creepy tongue-thingies out of the Sarlacc pit.

Besides, I do recognize that there's at least a bit of homerism that factors in.  Obviously Ohio State is U-M's biggest rivals- that's why they get scorn.  Duke and North Carolina each waged war with the Wolverines in the NCAA finals during my early formative years as a hoops fan (which explains why their fellow blue bloods Kentucky and UCLA get a pass).  Brett Favre played against the Lions twice a year, was voted MVP during Barry Sanders' 2,000 yard season (a travesty), and had some really obnoxious fans at Bullock Creek High School.  Emmitt was Sanders' RB position rival, and I still haven't fully accepted him as the all-time NFL rushing champ.  Tom Brady beat the St. Louis Rams in the Super Bowl when I was all over their bandwagon like ugly on Steven Tyler.

Who is undoubtedly the ugliest woman I have ever seen

Some hypocrisy plays a role too.  For instance, Alex Ovechkin, Peyton Manning, Dwyane Wade, Carmelo Anthony, Aaron Rodgers, the Boston Red Sox, Tim Tebow- the list goes on of athletes who have received similar (if not even more) accolades and adoration to athletes/teams that I've despised.  Yet I don't root against those dudes.  I was quite ambivalent when the Red Sox won their first World Series back in 2004, and I actually sort of rooted for Manning and Rodgers in their Super Bowl wins.  So why, when I have no immediately available vested interest, do I cheer some and jeer others?

I think multi-faceted, the answer is.

Coming did not you that one see

1) Humility/underdog status- perceived or factual- plays a role.  Manning, for example, comes across as just a hard-working normal guy who gets by because of his insane amount of preparation instead of any God-given natural talent.  Sure, he was a top overall pick (whereas Favre was a second rounder) and highly touted coming into college- but I've perceived him (and his ridiculously awkward throwing motion) as more of a humble underdog than Favre, who seems more natural throwing the ball and obviously more of a dominant personality.

Same thing with Wade.  Yes, he was top-five NBA pick.  However, he seemed (at least to me) to come out of nowhere after leading Marquette University (a non-traditional power) to the Final Four.  Wade is quite possibly just as big of a prima-donna as James is, but because he didn't get on the cover of ESPN the magazine as a high school junior (and he's much more of a quiet personality than James), he has gotten a pass (for the most part).

So obviously part of it is how these guys are packaged to me through the eyes of the media and my perceptions of those packages.  I don't think that explains it fully though, hence thought number deux...

2) Alpha-dog status.  Over the past year or so, I've been processing the human experience through more of a biological/animal perspective- which frankly has been fascinating.  I don't want to dredge up any evolution/creation debates- but it is interesting to think of our behavior as if we were just animals (instead of being some elevated form of life).

With this point of reference in mind, my seemingly irrational disdain for certain individuals/teams would actually be a manifestation of some biological function.  For instance, think about territorial animals.  It's pretty natural for them to be threatened by (and respond accordingly) to a bigger, stronger alpha-male that comes into their territory.  They won't spend too much time thinking about how glorious everyone else says those gleaming, sharp teeth are.  They don't really care about the other-worldly strength possessed by those powerful arms.  They just know that now some other dude wants in on that harem action, and by "wants in on", I mean "will probably kill me and take over".  Hard to be a fan in that instance.

So yeah, maybe I look at guys like LeBron and I'm threatened by their excellence, their self-confidence, their natural gifts and the abundance of their resources.  If life was a savage jungle, obviously LeBron James would be better prepared for 'survival' than I am, which is such a sad proposition that I cannot think about him in terms of his positive traits because I hate him for the food he is indirectly taking out of my stomach. 

Or something.

The reality is that these 'off-the-cuff' thoughts don't help me to come to grips with the fact that very soon, my identity as a sports fan is about to be shaken very severely and I have no idea what the landscape will look like when it's all said and done.  The only thing I know for sure is that there is still hope for the Thunder, and my obligation as a fan is to root them on to victory- even if that victory is currently sitting in the big, toothy, powerful jaws of defeat.

OH GOD I CAN'T STAND IT!!!!

PICS: Steven Tyler- http://www.eonline.com/eol_images/Entire_Site/20080521/300.tyler.steven.052108.jpg
Yoda- http://images.wikia.com/starwars/images/e/e0/Yoda_SWSB.jpg
LeBron- http://rickischultz.files.wordpress.com/2010/03/lebronjames.jpg

The long awaited, highly anticipated, hotly debated 2011 Snow Flurries Draft review

I'm bored out of my mind right now.  B-O-R-D.  But fear not, faithful reader- out of the ashes of my boredom will rise a blog post so revolutionary, so insightful, that it will literally make you do a double-take, rub your eyes, and question everything you ever thought you knew.  It will lead to the end of unemployment, the abolishment of partisan politics, and will lay the first cobble stones on the long, hard road to world peace.

You might be asking yourself what I could possibly be going to the well for in order to achieve all of this.  Well ask not, friends, as clearly I'm going to be reviewing my 2011 Fantasy Football draft. 

As you remember from when I used to write about Fantasy Football back in 2011, this past season was the absolute pinnacle of my young career.  I won the league's regular season so easily that I had to manufacture drama behind the scenes to keep my guys interested (I still haven't had the heart to tell Mike Williams that Sabastian Janikowski is not a cannibal that will eat him if he continues to suck).

In many ways, I feel like a first time father, only this is actually your third child but you're so disappointed in the first two that you just pretend that they don't exist.  I'm proud of this season- I drafted pretty well.  I played the waiver-wire like a pro.  I (mostly) avoided injuries.  Of course, I didn't completely avoid injuries, which is why I'm not coming to you today as the People's champ.

I don't need something insignificant like championship recognition to validate my success this year.  This season was sweet, sweet retribution for the pain and bitter defeat of my whole freaking wretched pathetic miserable existence the last two seasons.  I've seen fire, and I've seen rain.  And even though I'm not sure what in the heck James Taylor is talking about, I'm sure his words are very apt to the moment.
Anyways, that's enough out of me.  Here's my draft review.  In a nod to draft reviews past, I will give comment about my preseason thoughts, my season thoughts, and my moving-forward thoughts- and without even saying a word you will know which is which.  Because that is how awesome you are (guided there, of course, by my benevolent hand). 

1 Tom Brady, QB, New England- I don't expect him to put up the ridiculous numbers that he did last year.  And I was right- he didn't put up the ridiculous numbers that he did last year.  He put up even better numbers.  Three more TDs and 1,000+ more yards (plus 3 TDs on the ground).  Sure, his INTs went up as well- but that's like complaining about Eve's shortcomings as an actress. 

Sure, you're cute- but I want to see inside your soul

If I have my way, this guy will retire as a North Michigan Snow Flurry.

2 Darren McFadden, RB, Oakland- Question- is a no.2 pick a good place to draft a guy who has only had one good season and spent much of his career being hurt? Answer- No, but my other RBs performed so well that it really didn't matter that Run-DMC missed over half of the season.  That said, if I didn't have his handcuff Michael Bush, we'd be talking in a completely different tone right now.  The kind of tone where you move slowly away from the computer and immediately call the authorities (or the tabloids).  I can't honestly see myself picking D-Mac any sooner than the fifth round, which means I'll probably nab him by the third. 

3 Matt Forte, RB, Chicago- I have a huge soft spot for RBs that are versatile. Indeed, Forte's versatility within the Bears offense made him an invaluable member of my squad in the early weeks (and a solid one from the midpoint until his injury).  He had just 4 total TDs on the year and only eclipsed the 70 yard rushing mark (I am not above using mediocrity as a benchmark) five times on the year- yet his ability to be involved in the passing game contributed to his 10.2 PPG average.  Sadly, his late season injury (as well as DeMarco Murray's) kept me from tasting the Championship rainbow.  Potential keeper (depending on how that injury plays out), there will always be a spot at the Snow Flurry table for my friend Mr. Forte. 

4 Mike Williams, WR, Tampa Bay- I drafted [Mike Williams]because he scored 11 TDs last year.  I almost [pushed Mike Williams] off of a cliff this year because he only scored 3 TDs and about 1,000 less yards than in 2010 (300- but it might as well have been 1,000).  He was like the Bizarro Tom Brady, like Eve if she could act like Kate Winslet but looked like this:

But you should never call someone ugly if they have a bow and arrow.

If I had to pick between drafting Mike Williams next year and being set on fire, I'd probably draft Mike Williams- but not before asking a series of clarifying questions.

5 Beanie Wells, RB, Arizona- What better way to have a scapegoat than to have a bruising RB from Ohio State named Beanie, coming off of a monster sub-400 yard, 2 TD season, be your number 5 pick? Remember the song "What Might Have Been?" by Little Texas?  One of my favorite non-love love songs.  That's Beanie Wells' 2011 season to me- if he could have stayed healthy (and got consistently QB play), he could have been The Boss.  As is, he had just enough stinkers to make me always question my choice to play him, tempered with enough WOW games to make me want to build my team around him.   And that's why I'll probably take a stab at him next year at some point- especially if the Cardinals get Peyton Manning- and subsequently spend the 2012 season wondering just what in the hell I was thinking.

6 Brandon Lloyd, WR, Denver- Interesting factoid that I found after doing some post-draft research- Brandon Lloyd was on NFL.com's Top Ten Players Most Likely To Be A Bust list.  I really don't know if he was a bust, because I traded him way early in the season.  (Goes to check his stats).  Huh.  Well, I guess he was the 24th highest scoring WR, so he wasn't a bust per se.  However, I parlayed him into Michael Bush, so for a sixth round pick, this panned out much better than I could have imagined.  Definitely much better than my #2 pick, anyways.  I'd probably give him a shot if he's available in a nice low-round somewhere. 

7 Mario Manningham, WR, New York (Giants)- If Steve Smith did, in fact, vanish into the Bermuda Triangle (as my sources have sort of confirmed but it was probably somebody else), then I expect Manningham to get a lot more touches in the passing game.  Well Steve Smith resurfaced in Philadelphia of all places, but Mario got hurt and all of those extra touches seemed to go to Victor Cruz.  I picked up Cruz before anyone else did, but that's beside the point.  I drafted Manningham and got left with the remnants.  Life is so unfair  Manningham could conceivably find himself in a Snow Flurry uniform sometime in the future. 

8 Sam Bradford, QB, St. Louis- I feel like he'll have a phenomenal year, and gives me great insurance against Brady getting hurt.  Okay, so every single iffy decision up to this point can at least be tempered with a yeahbut.  As in, "Yeah, but he got hurt".  Sure, Bradford got hurt too- but this guy fell so far, so fast that he went from 'great insurance policy against Brady getting hurt' to getting 'Oh my God I can't believe I cut Cam Newton to keep this guy'-released just to wash the stink out of my mouth.  I will not, will not draft you Sam.  Or eat Green Eggs and Ham.

9 Brandon Jacobs, RB, New York (Giants)- What I do know is that Jacobs is a solid bye week/injury replacement.  And he probably would have been.  Of course, in the early weeks of the season, my RB situation was so solid that I could afford to play around with the waiver wire, and so Jacobs only made it to week 4 before being coldly let go into.  Sorry man- nothing personal, just business.  And it will be just business when I stay away from you like you just shook hands with a dude who touches pig guts for a living.  Oh yeah, that was a spoiler.

10 Jimmy Graham, TE, New Orleans- I think this guy could be a potential steal at the TE position.  Seriously- a potential steal?  Jimmy Graham was so far in the steal category that the Leonardo DiCaprio was notified.  I mean, this guy put up WR numbers!  Seriously, if I could have played 2 TEs this year, I probably would have gone undefeated and spent the entire offseason writing blog posts about how I plucked Jimmy Graham out of the air, gave him wings, and told him he could fly.  If Jimmy isn't a keeper for next year, it's because he has been betrothed to one of my top draft picks. 

11 Ravens Defense- They do still have Ed Reed, right?  Yup, and even though Reed wasn't the wicked insane playmaker of yesteryear, he still helped the Ravens D to a respectable showing.  As long as Ed Reed is still playing, I will always give the Raven's D a thought. 

12 Jordy Nelson, WR, Green Bay- I expect big things out of Jordy this year- even if his first name is 'Jordy'.  With all due respect to Mr. Graham, and dorky name not withstanding, Jordy is without a doubt my top pick of 2011.  Jordy had a monster 2k11.  MONSTER.  Even though Aaron Rodgers had quite possibly the deepest receiving corps in league history, he always seemed to make sure that my man Jordy got his.  Indeed, Jordy Nelson ended the year as the #2 scoring WR in our league.  Quite possibly this is the biggest surprise in world history- even more surprising than Rich Gannon being named NFL MVP that one time in the dark ages (2002).  While Jordy isn't going to be a keeper, I guarantee I'm going to start hunting for him much earlier than round 12 next year.

13 Mike Williams, WR, Seattle- I got a valuable 2nd/3rd receiver who will probably be "The Man" on a bad Seattle team.  I got a useless 4th/5th receiver who (for various reasons) had more games of zero points (9) than he did with points (7).  And it's not like he was lighting up the scoreboard when he did score- check out these numbers: 1, 1, 3, 3, 4, 6, 9.  Mike wasn't with me for very long, but the residual blast from this whiff was so bad that Rob Deer felt bad for me.  The Mike Williams experience is over.

14 Greg Olsen, TE, Carolina- Olsen has been solid, and playing for a bad team starting a rookie QB, I imagine that he'll see his fair share of targets.  Olsen did have a solid enough 2011, but with Graham and Gronk logging all of my TE playing time, there was literally no room for Olsen on the field.  Also, whole security-blanket-for-rookie-QB-on-bad-team gig that I was banking on never really took off.  Since apparently Cam Newton is Superman.  You were essentially a one-night stand, Greg- and it wasn't even that great of a night.  So I'll probably forget you.

15 Patriots Defense-It's a Bill Belichick 'D. It has to be good, right? Or at least, serviceable? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Yeah, uh-huh, SURE.    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  You're kidding, right?

16 Neil Rackers, K, Houston- You're going to read my postseason champions speech, see how I deftly nabbed Neil Rackers in the 16th round, and be amazed.  Neil was a phenom at the K position for me, I'm not even kidding.  Even though I dropped him about half-way through and didn't end up winning the championship, you should still be amazed.  I treat my kickers just like I treat creditors- I never make a commitment before they're calling non-stop and threatening legal action. 

17 Steve Breaston, WR, Kansas City-The only reason I picked Steve is because I still have Fantasy Football feelings for Dwayne Bowe, and I want someone on the inside who can let me know how he's doing- and let him know that I still care, and I'll treasure our magical autumn forever.  After I scored D Bowe in my concubine league, I had no reason to keep Breaston.  So I didn't.  The end.

18 New York (Giants) Defense- Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.  Yup.  That settles that. 

19 Cam Newton, QB, Carolina- Rookie. Hehehe ROOKie- I'll probably never play this guy. I don't think he'll do very well. I just thought it'd be cool to take the first overall pick of the NFL draft with the next-to-last pick of the fantasy draft. Teach this kid a little humility. Make him work a little bit. Here on the Snow Flurries, you aren't just handed a starting spot because of your draft accolades- you gotta earn it.  Wow.  Just wow.  If I had kept Newton instead of, say, oh, I don't know....SAM BRADFORD, then I'd probably be writing this blog somewhere on Main Street in the middle of a confetti shower and hundreds of hot chicks screaming my Championship name.  Instead I'm sleeping with the fleas and cockroaches in the alley of Third Place wiping the specks of food out of my Not-Championship 5 o'clock shadow.

I mean, yeah, Cam blindsided all of us.  No one knew he was going to explode on the scene in the fashion that he did.  But still...he was on my team.  MY TEAM.  I drafted him.  Ran him through the drills.  Let him run the plays.  Sent the equipment manager to have him come see me- and to make sure he brought his playbook.  I was his genesis, his beginning- his very existence in the Center League was because of me.  I should have known.  Right?  It doesn't matter.  Because I have literally 0% chance of getting Cam Newton next year. 

What might have been, indeed.
 
Eve-http://www.pwpix.net/superstars/e/evetorres/images/eve-torres-4.jpg
Jack Black- http://www.stomptokyo.com/reelopinions/images/nacho3.jpg

Snow Flurries 2011- The March of the Penguins continues

Do you know why I'm writing about my Fantasy Football team this week?  Do you?  Huh, huh?  Do ya do ya do ya????  Also, imagine I'm pretending to poke you while being about a half inch from you.  Sorry about the over exuberance- I just can't help it.  I'm on a bye week this week!  Do you even know what that  means?  Why, simply this- I had one of the top two records (well, actually the best record...just saying) , so while the playoffs are starting for the rest of my league, me and my boys are going to be sitting beside a pool somewhere in Marquette and...okay, well it's like 1°F with a wind chill of -9°F right now, so we're probably not at an outdoor pool...come to think of it we're probably in like a Best Western or something.  Man, this sucks.  Wish we were playing.

Anyhow, sorry if that came across a little bit insufferably jerky- it's just that you literally no idea how shocked and surprised I am that my team has not only done well this year- but it has done VERY well.  Sure, I could lose next week and go home with the consolation prize of 'Paper Champion'.  But for a guy who had never had a winning season before, to have the best team in the league this late in the season...well, it's a pretty big deal.  And so over the next couple weeks, I will probably continue to write insufferable jerk things about my Fantasy team (even more so if I actually, you know, win at all in the playoffs). 

But I know you really love this because you've seen me bare my heart and soul on these pages, and you know the pain and suffering I've endured the last two years and you're probably just really happy for me.  Therefore I'll continue to indulge you with what is essentially "Chicken Soup for the Fantasy Football player's soul".


 Week 8- This week, I realized that the term 'Fantasy Football' is actually quite a misnomer.  See, if this was my 'fantasy', then my best players would never have bye weeks at the same time, they would never get hurt, and they would always have 'green' matchups.  So in reality, "Fantasy" Football usually ends up being "AARRGGH  FRICKING STUPID #*%*" Football and I hate it.  Week 8 found me facing the expansion L'Anse SHEagles, with (so I thought) all three of my top RBs out (two with bye weeks) and many of my other players caught in 'red' matchups (Note: I'm not actually going to explain the difference between 'green' and 'red'.  Feel free to make up your own definitions).  My team was brave and almost pulled out the win, but ended up on the short end of a 113-102 score.
What went right-Victor Cruz (15) and Mario Manningham (12) looked good in my WR corps.  Nick Novak had 15 in the K slot.  And I only lost by 11 points.  So that's a good thing- a positive I can build off of, right?  RIGHT????

This doesn't have anything to do with this article- but anytime you can post a picture of a football player peeing on the sidelines...well, you do it.  You just do.

What went wrong- Earlier, I alluded to the belief that my top three RBs were unavailable to play for me.  Of course, Beanie Wells wasn't really out- he just let me think he was all week.  He must have had, like, his own personal healing crusade, going from "season ending injury" to "maybe see some action versus the Angry Ravens" to "14 points".  Thanks Beanie.  Thanks for the heads up.  JERK.  Tom Brady struggled so badly in Pittsburgh (even though he had 19 points) that I seriously went out and started checking out other QBs.  What's that- Curtis Painter is still availble?  Interesting (strokes chin)....  It didn't help that all the NFL talking heads kept going on and on about how the league had figured out how to stop the Patriots.  
Bonehead move- Analyzing each game like it's a middle school relationship.  Seriously, I am running out of ways to discuss my inability to grasp reality when it comes to Fantasy Football.  Aside from the whole 'it's not really real' aspect, I cannot understand my lack of understanding that, despite having poor matchups and some injuries, I almost won this game.  This was not a bad loss- and yet, mentally, the dip to a 6-2 record somehow forced me to tighten the belt-strap of my positive outlook and plan for another playoff-less year.  After an 11 point loss.  Dear God, what's wrong with me????

Week 9- Oh, great.  A matchup with War Machine, my other nemesis- just when things are falling apart.  Perfect!  That's just great.  This is the guy that knocked me out of the playoffs a couple years ago.  This is the guy that I always seem to make some really dumb move when I'm playing against him that costs me the game.  And while I didn't get the most out of my matchups this week, I was able to pull off a 102-99 thriller.   
What went right- I'm going to have to start calling Matt Forte "The Closer", since for whatever reason he always seems to be one of my last players playing and has never failed to score enough points to secure the win.  This week he had 11, which paired with DeSean Jackson's 0, enabled me to eek out the improbable victory.  Of course, it wouldn't have been so improbable if I hadn't left Gronkowski's 17 and Nelsons 17 on the bench.  Brady ended my brief flirtation with Painter by scoring 20, and Michael Bush had 18 in relief of the injured RunDMC.
What went wrong- Once again I'm bitten by the "Smart move turned stupid by WTFness".  DeMarch Murry, a third round pick who had been playing semi-sporadically, racks up 18 points against the #6 defense.  Obviously I sat him.  Beanie Wells, meanwhile, faced off against the next-to-last ranked defense- and accumulated a whole 3 points.  Obviously I played him. 
Bonehead move- I think it's because I'm starting to realize that this whole thing is a crapshoot and there really are no great or bonehead moves except in hindsight, but I probably played my roster the right way this week.  Even though I left lots of points on the bench, my theories behind them were usually sound, and things just didn't turn out the way I thought they would.  Wait a minute, was that cool-headed logic I just applied?  I think I need to lie down.

Week 10- Whew!  That was close.  No time to enjoy a hard earned win though- not with Bullies coming into town for a rematch.  A win coupled with a loss by War Machine or Disco will guarantee me a playoff spot.  And I did my part (almost doubling him up, 158-80, as my team remembers that it kicks serious ass), therefore reducing the magic number to clinching not just a playoff spot- but the division- to 1 game. 
What went right- I had 7 of 9 guys go for double digits.  Brady had 32 and put Curtis Painter so far back on the rear view mirror he looks like Kurt Cobain.  Bush had 30 on the Thursday night game, which gave me a little bit of relief after a couple stress-filled Sabbaths.  Murray had 23 and Nelson had 18. 
What went wrong- Picking nits, but Gronkowski had 24 points on my bench.  When you win by 78 it's difficult sometimes to pick out the bad.  Which you have to do, or these slackers will turn soft.
Bonehead move- At this point, things are going the best they ever have in my Fantasy Football career.  My roster, as I've said before, often sets itself.  I have tremendous depth at RB and TE, with a great QB, a solid D, and enough points from WR and K to fill in the blanks.  No bonehead move this week.  Other than Gronkowski. 

Week 11- A rematch with Disco, who has turned things around (4-1 in his last 5) and is now in the thick of the playoff hunt.  A win here and I pretty much clinch the division.  And (as I like to think I am wont to do in such situations) I put the lumber to Disco, 137-65 (my 2nd straight week of high scoringness) and clinch the division.  Hello, playoffs- it's been awhile!
What went right- Hmmm....should I start with Nelson's 25?  Or how about Gronkowskis 21?  Maybe Brady should get some props for his 20.  But I'll give the props to Cruz, who had 19 and is pretty much the best waiver wire pick-up I've ever had.  A special shout-out to Kevin Smith for the huge, HUGE game he had for the Lions.  No, he wasn't on my roster- and Disco didn't leave him on the bench.  No, Smith was racking up 39 points for the Lions for the Knights while Mercury Morris (starting for team Disco) was more importantly not racking up those points. 
What went wrong- Nothing for me (other than Mike Williams' 14 point resurrection from the dead) - but poor Disco.  Chris Johnson continued his campaign to forever be the highest paid RB by making sure other teams never ever give contract extensions to their RBs again.  This time, it was a 2 point stinker.  Of course, there's not too much sympathy from a former 4-9 squad given to the 2-time defending champs.  I just needed to write something about Chris Johnson and how much he sucks this year. 
Bonehead move- None.  Zip.  Zero.  I was flawless this week.  Well, other than I could have played Mike Williams and got some more points.  But then I would have had to play Mike Williams.  And that would have been a bonehead move.

Week 12- So this must be what retirement is like- you work, work, work for your whole lifetime (or in this case, 11 weeks) and when you're done, you just kind of...sit there, I guess?  Because having clinched the division and a first round bye with 2 weeks to go...I'm not sure what I should do.  I can't rest my starters, because they aren't really resting- so I guess I'll just keep kicking ass and taking names.  This week I rematch against Team Knights, and since the Lions (which are the lifeblood of the Knights) play on Turkey day, I knew that by Friday I would know whether or not I'd most likely win or not.  And it turns out that I did win, rather handily, by a score of 153-90.  For the third straight week (and fifth time overall) I have the highest score in the league.  At this point I keep pinching myself to makOUCH!!  Yup.  Not dreaming.
What went right- Tom (35 points) you know I wouldn't have traded you for real, right?  Please tell me you know my sudden infatuation with Curtis Painter was mostly because I saw him from behind.  You've always been the QB for me, Tom.  Jimmy Graham (20), Cruz (28), and the Ravens D (25) all crack the 20 mark.  And sadly (for the Lions fan who lives somewhere in the closet of my brain) the Lions struggle, which means that Team Knights struggled.
What went wrong- But it's a good thing the Lions struggled- because I would have been simply livid with myself had my sitting of Beanie Wells (and his 28 points) came back to bite me.  I know, I know- he was playing against the Rams- how could I sit him?  To which I would have replied, 'How could I not sit him?'.  Last time they played the Rams, he had 2 whole points.  I remember that game, because I had been so excited to play him against the Rams- 2 points.  2!  Additionally, they said he was pretty banged up.  And John Skelton was his QB.  So that's why I sat him.  And his 28 points.  But it wasn't just wells.  Even Donald Brown had 15 points.  And Mike Williams had 12.  It's like my bench guys are starting to riot.  There's too many points- I can't keep them under control, warden!!!
Bonehead move- Having my bench guys use up their cosmically allotted groups of points.  I didn't need any extra points, fellas!  I won by 63 this week.  Why didn't you use those earlier this year, Mike?  Beanie, where were some of those 28 points the last time you played the Rams?  YOU'RE KILLING ME GUYS!!!  KILLING ME!!!

Week 13- A late season divisional rematch against Dennis with...well, nothing on the line?  The stakes in this pre-playoff tune-up are....surprisingly low?  My goodness.  What a crazy year this has been.  But I've been rolling, and life's been good.  I clinched a playoff spot a few weeks ago, clinched the division last week, and Week 12 saw me clinch the top overall seed.  What to play for, really?  I guess 11-2 looks better than 10-3- and who wouldn't want to enter the playoffs on a high note, right?  So obviously I went out and won 106-91 to cap what has been (and will most likely be) the most glorious year of my Fantasy Football career.
What went right- This win largely came down to luck as opposed to skill.  Stephen Jackson (for Dennis) was playing against the 49ers behind the immortal A.J. Feeley.  Given those two facts, his 2 points was probably more like 13-14.  Brady (23) and Gronkowski (24) combined for almost 50 points, and the Ravens D had 27.
What went wrong- Forget about the fact that Bush and Murray each had only 3 points while Wells (12) and Brown (11) languished on my bench. The Closer got hurt early in the Chiefs game.  It didn't hurt me this week, and it might not even hurt me in the playoffs (since I'm freaking LOAD-ed).  Still, if there's ever a time when you want your #1 RB to get a season ending injury, it's definitely not in a meaningless tune-up game right before the playoffs.  Seriously Matt- I'm sorry.  I'm sorry that I played you- I just...well, I just felt the peer pressure, and those guys are all still fighting for their playoff lives (bless their hearts) and I didn't want to make it seem like I was being unfair, and I....okay, I'll stop.  Just please, get better soon!
Bonehead move- Leaving my RB situation potentially in the hands of a rookie, a Colt, and Beanie Wells.  Seriously.  I think that my WRs are going to have to carry me now in the playoffs, and while they've shown that they theoretically can do that...I don't even want to go there.  I need to go lie down again.

So I'll be honest- this season review was hard to write.  When things are going poorly, it's so much easier for words to flow like water from the broken places of my soul onto the screen.  But man, when things are going good?  It's just a pain in the butt to try and think of ways to celebrate my awesomeness.  I only came up with, like, five. 

As far as the playoffs, I think I have a real good shot at taking it all.  But I also know that anything can happen.  For instance, if the playoffs had started this week (and I didn't have my, you know, FIRST ROUND PLAYOFF BYE!!!!!)
then most of the teams in our league would have bounced me from the playoffs.  So we'll see what happens.  The only thing I know for sure is that a huge episode of pain and misery is only one misplay or one injury away.  Ah yes, there's that good old defeatist cynicism I've been missing!

PIC-Chicken soup- http://www.blogcdn.com/www.kitchendaily.com/media/2010/05/chicken-in-pot-240.jpg
Novak- http://larrybrownsports.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/nick-novak-peeing-530x363.jpg

Rex Ryan and the $75,000 F-bomb

In the spirit of Thanksgiving in three days, I have finally found something to be thankful for.  And it came to me in the most unlikely of places (New York) in the most unlikely of packages (Rex Ryan).  Guys, I am thankful for Rex Ryan. I'll say it right now, I don't even care who knows it- Jesus, thank you for giving Rex Ryan to the NFL.

True, I think he talks way too much trash for someone who hasn't really done anything except almost make it to two Super Bowls.   And...actually, I guess now that I think about it, the only thing I really hold against him is his bravado.  Hmmm...he might actually be a decent guy!

Let's see...his players seem to love playing for him.  He has a better sense of humor than most coaches.  Rexy has, for the most part, been a successful head coach- two trips to the AFC title game the last two years (his first two on the job, OH BY THE WAY).  He's quite portly, which gives me and my expanding waistline hope for success.  Shoot, I might have just talked myself into the Rex Ryan fan club.  Thank you, Thanksgiving!

Since I'm Rex's newest BFF, I have no other alternative than to come to the defense of my closest friend.  Today, the NFL announced that Rex Ryan would be fined $75,000 for swearing at a fan.  Here's the video if you haven't seen it:

Apparently the NFL stands for 'No F-bombs aLlowed', or something.  Apparently in the magical land of the NFL, a fan can provoke a coach who is coming off of a three hour emotional rollercoaster (that pretty much ended with a straight shot down into hell) into saying the 'F' word and it costs the coach $75,000.  Meanwhile, Lee Corso drops an 'Effer in a nice comfy chair surrounded by cute,cheering co-eds-

 

And don't forget beautiful college girls

and gets zero disciplinary action (other than having to apologize on-air).  So unfair.

Seriously, this is completely ridiculous!  Is anyone else as pissed off as I am pretending to be?  I know, I know- these aren't even the same situation.  Two very different bureaucracies (NFL vs. ESPN) involving two wildy divergent histories (the Sunshine Scooter versus the NFL's Marshall Mathers).  Some dufus with a webcam pokes Rex with a verbal stick (which seems about as smart as poking a bear with a stick-stick, and not just because of physical similarities) while Corso works the room like a comedian getting ready to drop the big punchline.  Just makes me sick.

I'm not really bothered by either incident, actually.  I've already talked about how words are really just formations of letters that are devoid of meaning unless it's assigned meaning from an external source.  An 'eff bomb' here or there doesn't really bother me at all- in fact, Lee Corso doubled my joy intake for his gaffer.  I just find it terrible that Ryan's more defensible act cost him 75,000 bones while Corso's seemingly more pre-meditated (at best, less of an emotional reaction) cost him a five-second apology.

Okay, okay, my ill-conceived and baseless rant in defense of my buddy is over.  Yes I was wrong.  I recognize that there are rules for a reason and that Ryan clearly violated the sportsmanship clause of the disciplinary policy.  As the coach of an NFL team, you can't take your frustrations out on the poor, defenseless probably drunk fans.  You have to keep your cool, Rex.

But this is where I show Rex that I'm a real friend.  Because not only did I stick up for him- but I'm going to help him do better next time.  I did some exhaustive research (by that I mean I read like, four articles maybe) and found some ways that Rex can blow off some steam, maintain a sense of self-deviance, and save a bundle of money (or at least get more bang for his buck). 
- Try to rip off an opponents head by grabbing the face mask and just ripping that puppy off.  That only cost Matthew Stafford $7,500.  Savings- $67,500
- Allow someone to try and tear your head off and then get pissed and retaliate, just like D.J. Moore did.  Sure, you'll get fined twice as much as the guy who tries the initial head/neck breach ($15,000), but you'll still save a cool $60,000.
- Next time there's a lockout, just say 'Whatever' to the rules and keep in touch with your players.  The Bucs just got fined 100,000 big ones for improper lockout contact.  Sure, it's more money up front.  But wouldn't you rather spend $100,000 to practice illegally than $75,000 getting pissed because it looks like you don't practice at all?
- Lots of times, we can tell if we're starting to get stressed way before we have a big blow up.  And when that happens, we just have to find someone that we're comfortable talking to.  Blow off a little steam, get some feedback, and we're good to go.  Crisis averted.  Borrow a page from Troy Polamalu's book and just keep a cell phone handy on the sidelines for such an occasion.  That'll only cost you 10k, and save you a fortune (depending on your cell phone plan, of course).
- Sometimes a little talky-talky doesn't really do the soul any good though.  In those instances, the best thing you can do is find someone in a vulnerable, defenseless position and just unload on them.  Knock that poor bastard into next week.  It won't save you a ton of change (Ryan Clark was fined $40,000 for hitting a defenseless receiver), but the satisfaction it brings will make up for it in spades.
- Don't be afraid to do something a little bit dangerous...as far as fashion goes.  The NFL had to fine Earl Bennett twice (for a total of 15,000) and threatened him with an additional $15,000 fine for wearing bright orange shoes during two games (instead of the acceptable orange and blue shoes).  Why the fine?  I posit that it's because Earl was just working those shoes, man!

Admit it- you would pretend to care about fashion to be this close to Heidi Klum.

- It's okay to admit that you don't like Tom Brady.  You hate him.  You don't have to pretend with me, Rexy- I know how you feel about him.  Especially when you look at your own QB (Mark Sanchez) and see how much he sucks when compared to Brady.  It's like that cocky neighbor kid you just can't stand...except you keep comparing him to your own kid and realizing how much better he is than your kid and so you still hate the neighbor kid but now you don't really like your own kid and ALRIGHT ALREADY JUST HIT HIM IN THE KNEE- JUST TAKE A SLEDGEHAMMER TO THAT #*%$*#@*% KNEE FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!!!!  Cost of relief- $15,000 (as long as it's you nicknaming one of your players 'Sledgehammer'.  An actual sledgehammer to the knee will probably run you much more than $15,000)
- Sometimes it's not what you say, but how you say it.  Take A.J. Hawk for example.  In a game earlier this year, Hawk decided to fly the Middle Finger flag- and only got docked $10,000.  Think about it man- if you just flip the bird when you're in the tunnel, instead of using that sweet, sultry baritone booming voice to thunder the old 'F.U.'- you'd most likely still have that $75,000 to spend on Twinkies.  Worst case scenario, you're only out $10,000.

Of course, it'd probably be best if you just handled it like your peers do.  After the game, charge across the field like a crazy-eyed Jack Nicholson, launch yourself into the air (as much as is possible after charging all the way across the field) and simply slam into the opponents coach- a la Jim Harbaugh/Schwartz.  That might be the least appropriate course of action, though.  After all, as a coach, you're expected to model acceptable behavior and model fine, upstanding citizenry.  And to do something like that would cost you way more than the $75,...wait, what?  They didn't get fined?  Never mind.  Break out the Sledgehammer.

Information regarding fines was used from several articles on NFL.com
PIC- Kirk- http://www.clevelandleader.com/files/Kirk%20Herbstreit.jpg
Christian- http://www.nypost.com/r/nypost/blogs/popwrap/200809/Images/200809_christian_siriano41.jpg