From the archives: Maybe YOU'LL think next time before you write a song about destruction of property

Note: I realize this song has been out for over five years, but I heard it on the radio this morning and realized I had never shared my thoughts about it with the world.  So, um, here they are.  In make-believe form.

To: Carrie Underwood
RE: Before He Cheats

Dear Carrie,

Recently the production team at Arista Nashville flagged one of your songs ( 'Before he cheats' ) and brought it to my attention.  As your legal advisor, I have to tell you that I have reviewed the song and my legal advice for you is: DO NOT RELEASE IT.

I acknowledge that this may not be easy for you to hear.  Let me just say that I can understand the pain of being in a relationship where one person is unfaithful.  I've watched a lot of soap operas.  TONS.  But this isn't about me.  It's about you and your broken heart.  It's about empty promises and shattered trust, and your feelings of helplessness and lack of recourse.

But more than that, it's about WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING?????  ARE YOU INSANE???  Maybe he'll think next time he cheats?  How about 'Maybe I'll think next time I decide to engage in blatantly criminal actions'.  Because right now, the only person who needs a preventative prompt for their behavior is you. 

You see, Carrie, (and this is sort of huge)...we still don't know for sure that he cheated! All we have as evidence is your declaration of jilted feelings! Is there more to the story here? Did he come home late from work one night? Did you see a mysterious number on the caller ID? Did he buy you $4 diamond million ring out of the blue?  What are we going on here?  Where's your smoking gun?

It seems that your whole premise is based on some loose theories and conjectures.  Let me tell you what we know for sure: He's "probably" slow dancing with a bleached-blond tramp (nothing wrong with being a bleached blond tramp, by the way), she's "probably" getting frisky,  RIGHT NOW he's "probably" buying her some fruity little drink.  Have you ever seen Law and Order?  None of this is admissible as evidence.  As my good friend Yoda would say, "A case have not, you do".

I'm not trying to say he didn't cheat.  You don't strike me as the type of lady who would lie to millions of country music fans.  It's just...well, this really feels like a preemptive blow.  Like you're a freaking sociopath or something.  Honestly, from all that you've given us to go on, I imagine this guy is probably just too good to be true and you've been hurt before and so rather than wait around to get hurt again, you push him away...by jacking up his SUV and then cashing in your 'jilted lover' story to make a quick buck. 

Carrie, you're obviously very beautiful and very talented- but if I have to explain to you why you don't accuse someone of doing something they haven't done, vandalize the crap out of their car, and then sing about it on the radio...well, we might be looking at the end of your music career.  Or music immortality, I still haven't figured out how you can tell the difference. 

Maybe in the future you should try open and honest communication (or communication of any kind).  Maybe try journaling or find some professional help.  Because it seems like this whole thing was just a big misunderstanding.  I'll bet if he came home late, it's because he had to, you know, work late.  And the mysterious number was likely just a creditor calling because he just wrecked his credit by buying you a $4 million diamond ring.   

Regardless, it shouldn't take him too long to figure out who did this- you did carve your name into the seat and then write a song about it.  Unless he is a moron, in which case I can refer you to a dating adviser.  

In the future, I think you should try to write more songs about Jesus and His driving skills.  THAT song gave me warm fuzzies.  And hey kid, try to lighten up.  At least your ex wasn't some overrated playoff choking quarterback or something. 

Because I totally could have got behind that misdemeanor.

Reluctantly preparing for your legal defense,

Name Withheld



Pic- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tony_Romo

Dates (No, this is not an April Fools post. But I think it would be funny if you pretended it was)

I've been chewing on the concept of dating in our society since...well, this morning. And as is my custom, rather than go back into the archives of things that I've wanted to write about in the past, I shall write about something that tickles my fancy at this moment in particular.

We were talking (me and the boys) about an article in our local college newspaper about the increase in cohabitation in the male-female relationship dyad. This led to a discussion (albeit brief, since I had to make it home in time to deliver a fresh, steaming Egg McMuffin to my wife) about the dating phenomenon in our society. And so here I'm going to expound on some of my thoughts a little bit.

Dating- at least from my experience and the romanticized images given to us by our popular culture- is a highly superficial exercise. Style over substance, as it were. We try to put our best foot forward at all times- dressing up in fancy clothes, trying to smell good (which isn't necessarily easy, BTWs), flirting, laughing, staying at a shallow level, keeping our "dirty little secrets" in the closet. We don't even pass gas. Think about that- we are so interested in impressing this other person that we will subject ourselves to willful stomach cramps in order to keep from engaging in what is arguably one of the most pleasant experiences known to man.

Many years ago, the facade of dating wasn't as big of an issue. Gender roles were more clearly defined. Divorce was less socially accepted. Fellas just had to be civilized long enough to get the girl, when they could morph into Man Mode. You know Man Mode, right? Where you come home from work, sit around in a white t-shirt and boxers, drink beer while watching football and having the wives make dinner and stay in the kitchen (while they weren't tending to the children). Rinse and repeat for the next 30-40 years, and you have 1950's marriage. Ah....Man Mode.

But we're not there anymore- the rules have changed. Gender roles are not so clearly defined. Man's stronghold in the domestic realm is not as cemented as it was then. Beer is gross. Football might not even be played. Families order takeout and buy microwavable meals. And the relational restlessness that was previously suppressed by the weight of societal expectation has been set free upon our divorce courts.

That's the main problem with dating in our society. It creates an unrealistic set of expectations that pretty much doom a marriage to spending the first couples years adjusting to the shock and awe that 'Oh my goodness- this dude is not the same guy I dated'- if the marriage makes it that long.

I'm not the first to point it out- and even as long ago as the early 2000s, when I begrudgingly read I Kissed Dating Goodbye (which I still feel was a scam because the author came out with another book a year or so later and was married. Yeah, obviously you kissed dating goodbye- because you were already hooked up!), it was an issue that I was aware of. But I have different lenses now, that I see this issue through. Mainly that means that I can throw around bigger words and have anecdotes to back up my outrageous and generalized claims. Think of them as Life Bi-focals.

The dating game is guided heavily by positive feelings that are stirred up by two persons who are making concentrated efforts to be attractive. Biologically, we see this play out in many species. Mating rituals, brightly colored plumage, special songs and dances- animals have been "dating" since before the dawn of man. For them, it's simple- they need to mate in order to sure their species survives (although I'm sure their base instincts don't really put that much thought into it- they just know they need someone to do it with). For humans- it's a little more complicated. Our relationships are not so much about ensuring the survival of our species. They are more about finding a companion to grow old with- someone to help us remember where we put the keys or, I don't know, our phones.

Six years ago- I was naive about marriage. I knew that I 'loved' Sara (with my limited understanding of love). She made me laugh, and I really enjoyed being with her. But I didn't really understand all the ramifications of marriage. I didn't know that the "feelings" wouldn't carry on indefinitely. That her faults would come out. That my own flaws would rear their ugly head. That I had actually an active role to play in the development of our relationship. And that the baggage we carried in from our own perceptions of marriage based on the observations of our parents would serve as the template upon which we would set our marital foundation.

Romans 8:28- And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Looking back, I see the grace of God to get us through those early years. We had been blindsided. Hoodwinked. Baited and switched. Very quickly, we realized that our feelings just weren't going to cut it. We had to find out the hard way what marriage is really about.

With the devaluing of marriage in our culture (really, it's just like Dating 2.0), relationships built on the feelings that the superficial dating structure reinforces are doomed to fail. And because of the blurred line between love and "love", those failures have very real consequences in the lives of those involved.

Because inevitably, we will come in contact with someone else who stirs up the "magic", and makes our hearts flutter. They take us back to those innocent days when we could sustain a relationship merely on our flirtations and flowers. And if this is our understanding of what makes a relationship go, we move on, because we're just not feeling it anymore, but there is somebody else that (we feel) can give us what we think we need.

I don't want to speak for everyone. There are sometimes when a relationship needs to end. Sometimes, divorce is the best option. For me though, the idea of divorce in the hard times would have been much easier than the painful look in the mirror that made me realize that the issues that I have were not going to automatically change in a future endeavor. I could fall in Dating Love with someone else, get remarried- and I would be basically living a Sequel. Same jokes, most of the same actors- really it's just the same movie but with new shiny packaging, but inevitably doomed to fail because they don't try to get back to what made the first movie successful- the originality. And my wife is 100% Original Grade-A-wesome.

As my friend retweeted in real life this morning, 'If the grass is greener on the other side, then it's time to water your lawn'. I'll let you take that quote and make it your own. As long as you cite me citing my friend who was citing someone else.