Rex Ryan and the $75,000 F-bomb

In the spirit of Thanksgiving in three days, I have finally found something to be thankful for.  And it came to me in the most unlikely of places (New York) in the most unlikely of packages (Rex Ryan).  Guys, I am thankful for Rex Ryan. I'll say it right now, I don't even care who knows it- Jesus, thank you for giving Rex Ryan to the NFL.

True, I think he talks way too much trash for someone who hasn't really done anything except almost make it to two Super Bowls.   And...actually, I guess now that I think about it, the only thing I really hold against him is his bravado.  Hmmm...he might actually be a decent guy!

Let's see...his players seem to love playing for him.  He has a better sense of humor than most coaches.  Rexy has, for the most part, been a successful head coach- two trips to the AFC title game the last two years (his first two on the job, OH BY THE WAY).  He's quite portly, which gives me and my expanding waistline hope for success.  Shoot, I might have just talked myself into the Rex Ryan fan club.  Thank you, Thanksgiving!

Since I'm Rex's newest BFF, I have no other alternative than to come to the defense of my closest friend.  Today, the NFL announced that Rex Ryan would be fined $75,000 for swearing at a fan.  Here's the video if you haven't seen it:

Apparently the NFL stands for 'No F-bombs aLlowed', or something.  Apparently in the magical land of the NFL, a fan can provoke a coach who is coming off of a three hour emotional rollercoaster (that pretty much ended with a straight shot down into hell) into saying the 'F' word and it costs the coach $75,000.  Meanwhile, Lee Corso drops an 'Effer in a nice comfy chair surrounded by cute,cheering co-eds-

 

And don't forget beautiful college girls

and gets zero disciplinary action (other than having to apologize on-air).  So unfair.

Seriously, this is completely ridiculous!  Is anyone else as pissed off as I am pretending to be?  I know, I know- these aren't even the same situation.  Two very different bureaucracies (NFL vs. ESPN) involving two wildy divergent histories (the Sunshine Scooter versus the NFL's Marshall Mathers).  Some dufus with a webcam pokes Rex with a verbal stick (which seems about as smart as poking a bear with a stick-stick, and not just because of physical similarities) while Corso works the room like a comedian getting ready to drop the big punchline.  Just makes me sick.

I'm not really bothered by either incident, actually.  I've already talked about how words are really just formations of letters that are devoid of meaning unless it's assigned meaning from an external source.  An 'eff bomb' here or there doesn't really bother me at all- in fact, Lee Corso doubled my joy intake for his gaffer.  I just find it terrible that Ryan's more defensible act cost him 75,000 bones while Corso's seemingly more pre-meditated (at best, less of an emotional reaction) cost him a five-second apology.

Okay, okay, my ill-conceived and baseless rant in defense of my buddy is over.  Yes I was wrong.  I recognize that there are rules for a reason and that Ryan clearly violated the sportsmanship clause of the disciplinary policy.  As the coach of an NFL team, you can't take your frustrations out on the poor, defenseless probably drunk fans.  You have to keep your cool, Rex.

But this is where I show Rex that I'm a real friend.  Because not only did I stick up for him- but I'm going to help him do better next time.  I did some exhaustive research (by that I mean I read like, four articles maybe) and found some ways that Rex can blow off some steam, maintain a sense of self-deviance, and save a bundle of money (or at least get more bang for his buck). 
- Try to rip off an opponents head by grabbing the face mask and just ripping that puppy off.  That only cost Matthew Stafford $7,500.  Savings- $67,500
- Allow someone to try and tear your head off and then get pissed and retaliate, just like D.J. Moore did.  Sure, you'll get fined twice as much as the guy who tries the initial head/neck breach ($15,000), but you'll still save a cool $60,000.
- Next time there's a lockout, just say 'Whatever' to the rules and keep in touch with your players.  The Bucs just got fined 100,000 big ones for improper lockout contact.  Sure, it's more money up front.  But wouldn't you rather spend $100,000 to practice illegally than $75,000 getting pissed because it looks like you don't practice at all?
- Lots of times, we can tell if we're starting to get stressed way before we have a big blow up.  And when that happens, we just have to find someone that we're comfortable talking to.  Blow off a little steam, get some feedback, and we're good to go.  Crisis averted.  Borrow a page from Troy Polamalu's book and just keep a cell phone handy on the sidelines for such an occasion.  That'll only cost you 10k, and save you a fortune (depending on your cell phone plan, of course).
- Sometimes a little talky-talky doesn't really do the soul any good though.  In those instances, the best thing you can do is find someone in a vulnerable, defenseless position and just unload on them.  Knock that poor bastard into next week.  It won't save you a ton of change (Ryan Clark was fined $40,000 for hitting a defenseless receiver), but the satisfaction it brings will make up for it in spades.
- Don't be afraid to do something a little bit dangerous...as far as fashion goes.  The NFL had to fine Earl Bennett twice (for a total of 15,000) and threatened him with an additional $15,000 fine for wearing bright orange shoes during two games (instead of the acceptable orange and blue shoes).  Why the fine?  I posit that it's because Earl was just working those shoes, man!

Admit it- you would pretend to care about fashion to be this close to Heidi Klum.

- It's okay to admit that you don't like Tom Brady.  You hate him.  You don't have to pretend with me, Rexy- I know how you feel about him.  Especially when you look at your own QB (Mark Sanchez) and see how much he sucks when compared to Brady.  It's like that cocky neighbor kid you just can't stand...except you keep comparing him to your own kid and realizing how much better he is than your kid and so you still hate the neighbor kid but now you don't really like your own kid and ALRIGHT ALREADY JUST HIT HIM IN THE KNEE- JUST TAKE A SLEDGEHAMMER TO THAT #*%$*#@*% KNEE FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!!!!  Cost of relief- $15,000 (as long as it's you nicknaming one of your players 'Sledgehammer'.  An actual sledgehammer to the knee will probably run you much more than $15,000)
- Sometimes it's not what you say, but how you say it.  Take A.J. Hawk for example.  In a game earlier this year, Hawk decided to fly the Middle Finger flag- and only got docked $10,000.  Think about it man- if you just flip the bird when you're in the tunnel, instead of using that sweet, sultry baritone booming voice to thunder the old 'F.U.'- you'd most likely still have that $75,000 to spend on Twinkies.  Worst case scenario, you're only out $10,000.

Of course, it'd probably be best if you just handled it like your peers do.  After the game, charge across the field like a crazy-eyed Jack Nicholson, launch yourself into the air (as much as is possible after charging all the way across the field) and simply slam into the opponents coach- a la Jim Harbaugh/Schwartz.  That might be the least appropriate course of action, though.  After all, as a coach, you're expected to model acceptable behavior and model fine, upstanding citizenry.  And to do something like that would cost you way more than the $75,...wait, what?  They didn't get fined?  Never mind.  Break out the Sledgehammer.

Information regarding fines was used from several articles on NFL.com
PIC- Kirk- http://www.clevelandleader.com/files/Kirk%20Herbstreit.jpg
Christian- http://www.nypost.com/r/nypost/blogs/popwrap/200809/Images/200809_christian_siriano41.jpg

Everyone wants to keep CHRIST in Christmas...what about MAS?

Well, November is over halfway done, and Thanksgiving is next week (this week if you're one of those crazies that starts their week on Sunday), which can only mean one thing- Christmas season started 3 weeks ago.

Normally I'm all gung-ho for Christmas.  A couple years ago, I spontaneously decorated the house one early November weekend because we got an inch of snow.  This year....well, this year I'm trying to remember that Turkey Day technically comes first chronologically and there's still a whole month to enjoy the Christmas festivities afterwards.  Besides, snow (obviously) plays a huge role in my Christmaspiritometer, and Marquette has been going through a period of snow impotence lately.  I mean, I woke up to our first snow day of the year to find this on the ground:

In serious need of some snow Viagra.

Most people don't care about that though, and so Christmas has begun.  Viva la Christmas!  

With the onset of the Christmas fever, it is inevitable that Facebook walls, Twitter, message boards, and church signs everywhere will begin the War on anti-christ-mas and those unholy spawns of Satan who want to ninja-sneak into our beds and slice the CHRIST right out of CHRISTmas- leaving behind a poor, tired, huddled -Mas.  Indeed, it has already begun, and can only lead to a holly, jolly blood bath, some amped up rhetoric, and all of us waking up on December 26th just to realize no one really changed anyone's mind or made any headway in winning the war.  Nope- we just took a month of peace and goodwill, dragged it out back, and shot it in the face.  Ho ho ho indeed.

It doesn't have to be this way though.  Because here's the thing about holidays- they are what you make them.  You.  Singular.  Emphasis on YOU.  You decide the meaning of the holiday.  I literally cannot make this any more clear.  Seriously, I can't.  I bolded/underlined/italicized it.  Then I changed the size and the font.  Finally, I gave it some color (Christmas colors in fact).  The only thing I could do at this point would be to provide a hyperlink, but if you can't understand it here, you sure as heck aren't going to understand it there, where they don't even go to the trouble of providing such witty banter and excellent service.

Think about the various Christmas traditions.  Santa Claus.  Christmas trees.  The decorations.  The giving of the gifts.  Even the date (December 25th).  All of them have some basis on Pagan traditions.  But most of us don't care about that because all of those things mean something completely different to us now.  Saturnaila is out of the picture.  We aren't worshipping the trees by adorning them with precious idols. 

And we are able to celebrate free from the stain of guilt on our pious consciences because we have made these customs our own.  Each person, each family folds a desired practice into their celebration and lets the other things fall by the wayside.     

This doesn't just go for Christmas, either.  It's all holidays.  In our family, Halloween is not some big Satan fest (we celebrate that on 'SomeBigSatanFest Day')- it's a day where we get to dress up like Batman and go get free candy.  I'm sure I have spent at least a few Thanksgivings without giving thanks for anything besides that big old turkey we chomping at the bit for.  On Easter we teach our kids about the time the Easter Bunny rose from the dead to check if there was six more weeks of winter and to give all the good little boys and girls of the world pastel candy.

Of course, we also have the freedom to ignore holidays should we so choose.  Columbus Day pretty much comes and goes like any other non-Columbus Day in our house (except with disruption to the mail and banking sectors.  Even in death, Chris Columbus is giving us the finger).

No holiday pay for you, SUCKAS!!!!

I believe the reason that things started to shift away from Christmas and towards Wintersmas is that some people couldn't understand/accept the idea of different beliefs being taught than what they believed and felt persecuted.  Then they went on a crusade for their beliefs.  So the powers-that-be, not really understanding how to accommodate minority belief systems without upsetting the majority, just decided that nobody gets to play Special Winter Holiday today (which is honestly how any good parent decides a dispute between their two children fighting over the same toy.  That is what good parents do, right?).  Many Christians, not understanding/accepting the idea of different beliefs than what they believed, started to feel persecuted and began to crusade for their beliefs.

Just saying.

Personally, I have no problem saying 'happy holidays' to someone. I'm acknowledging the fact that there are like, a bunch of holidays in the span of a month as well as acknowledging respect for another persons feelings and beliefs. Maybe they celebrate Christmas because of Jesus, maybe they even celebrate Christmas without Jesus (because, let's be honest- the idea of unlimited sweets, free stuff, and two weeks off of school are all pretty good non-religious reasons to celebrate Christmas), and maybe they don't celebrate Christmas period.  In a country that was forged by a group of people fleeing religious persecution, I don't mind not persecuting someone's religion.

If you want to keep Christ in Christmas, then first try being Christ-like.  Jesus didn't run around waving the sword of "Na-nana boo-boo" or smashing people over the head with the hammer of "Pwn'd n00bs".  By and large, his earthly ministry was based on kindness, compassion, and humility.  Of course, we take that example and become the religious equivalent of John McClane.



Shoot first, shoot later.  THEN ask questions.  Then shoot them too.

Myself, I wouldn't mind if schools allowed the incorporation of different festivities- and not just so I could keep my CHRISTmas.  It'd be a way for my kids to learn about people outside their tiny bubble.  I mean, come on- most children end up believing what their parents believe anyways so it's not like our kids are going to drift away into heresy.  As long as we're actively involved in their lives, and they know we love them and want what is best for them, we have nothing to fear about them being exposed to things outside of our comfort zone.  If we actually embraced differences (instead of treating them like they're a great big game of Hot Potato) then maybe our kids would grow up and realize that 'Hey.  We can, you know...actually talk about our differences in a respectful fashion and maybe not just hate each other because of some invisible, ideological divide'.  Crazy talk, I know.

Look, Jesus was the Son of God, right?  The Son of freaking God.  Not only that, but He was freaking God Himself.  But He humbled Himself to come down to Earth to hang with us, teach us all really good lessons, and then die for our sins.  I think if God was willing to do that...then maybe this Christmas we can all humble ourselves and spread some peace and goodwill instead of lobbing culture bombs at our demon neighbors.

PICS- Columubs- http://sepiamutiny.com/blog/2005/10/10/o_henry/
John McClane- http://media.screened.com/uploads/1/13855/580047-3.jpg

Agony and Ecstasy

It's been a crazy week. Originally I was going to write this blog last week because of news that I got on Saturday (11/6), but as usual life happened (illness) and I didn't. But that's okay- because there were more things to happen over the past week that really tie into what I was going to write about. (of course, I then proceeded to wait an additional five days before finishing the blog. Man I am awesome).

While there are innumerable differences between all of us, we are also bound together by types of events that are not discriminant. Birth and death are chief among these- and the beauty of humanity is that we take these mundane commonalities and flavor them with our own perspectives.

This blog is about a day in my life when joy and sorrow intersected in my life on a normal Saturday. This is about the meaning that I have attached to it. Let's get this party started.

In the morning, I took the kids grocery shopping at Wal-Mart. I do this often, because apparently we do not live in a magical land where food automatically replenishes itself while it sits in your cupboards. Also, we do not live in a normal land in which food mates with other food and bears offspring. While shopping, we ran into some friends and found out that they were pregnant.

Congratulations! Apparently they've been trying for a couple years now, and now their "hard work" has paid off. They been very active in helping out with the baby explosion at our church, so it's nice to see them get their due (date). They are a great couple, and they're going to be excellent parents.

Interesting aside- when you're talking to people who have recently become pregnant...let's just say that they will tell you things about themselves that they probably wouldn't normally tell you- and unless you're a real sicko you probably wouldn't want to know. For instance-they might tell you "we've been trying for awhile to get pregnant"- well, I'm assuming that your preparations didn't involve brushing up on your ornithology. And I've seen your apartment- it definitely isn't big enough for a lab to fertilize eggs in vitro.

I wish that was where my story ended. Good news doesn't sell, though, and life is all about homeostasis- and when life is going good, unfortunately it is something bad that will bring things back into balance..

That evening, we were just chilling at the house (which is an amazing reality for me- having come from a job that sucked away my weekends like vampires suck away blood, I am just pleased as punch that I have weekends off), when we got a knock on the door. Well crap- if you know me at all, you know that I'm rocking the boxer-briefs when I'm in mi casa and there are no plans. I'm sorry if that's an over-share- I guess I figured after the whole pregnancy talk, we could all be adults and be open about things.

So I grab some pants real quick, run down to get it, and it's a friend of ours from the townhouses. A simple neighborly courtesy call about their noise level turned quickly south when she told me her son (who is only a year or so older than Delaney) has been diagnosed with cancer.

It came as quite a shock to me, to say the least- especially with the juxtaposition of the earlier pregnancy news. When you have kids, and you find out something like that- it tends to rock you. You realize that life is often a game of Russian Roulette, and sometimes it's your turn and you get the empty slot- and sometimes you get the bullet.

Being a stay-at-home dad has offered me a degree of safety. It's been fairly easy for me to build a bubble wall that I live my life in, and spin the wheels of my routine. Sometimes I go back and forth- is my life this way because I'm blessed? Or is my life going so smoothly because things are wrong? I know it sounds messed up- and I know that I am messed up. And the world is the most messed up place in the world.

There are other examples of happiness and sorrow from the past few weeks- it's pretty hard to process sometimes. Because the people in our lives don't suffer alone- we are there with them, if for no other reason than because we realize that it could have been us. And so we should celebrate when they are happy and lament when they are sad- because it could have been us. The calender marches on, but congratulations and consolations are always in season. As we approach the Thanksgiving holiday, remember to give thanks to those in your life who mean the most to you.