How do you write a blog about a video game based on a fake sport? I
have no idea. I had no idea when I said that I was going to do it, and I
have less of an idea now. Well, perhaps that is only half true. But
with 60+ wrestlers to keep track of, and lacking the stable structure
that other, realer sports have, and the emphasis on virtual
story-telling- let's just say that this is going to be a little trial
and error here in the beginning. Best case scenario, I create this
on-going/self-sustaining mecca of laughs that blows the competition out
of the water. Worst case scenario? It's another thing that I've said
that I'll do that I don't end up doing. So unless you're a fan of
quality/meaningful work, this is going to be a win/win.
Did I just use the 'ol '/' move three times in that paragraph? Awesome. Just call me Slash.
SLASH!!!
Back
to brass tacks- lets start to pin down what this thing is. And what it is, is the Youshouldknowjasonparks Wrestling League. Yes, I really for real
am calling it that- although you can call it the
YWL for short. But this name thing is happening. It is SO happening. I've already looked into the trademark.
I've divided my league into 2 separate, smaller
leagues. It's very similar to when the AFL and NFL were separate entities and would meet annually to have a huge championship fiesta. Except that
I will have monthly "Super Bowls" (Pay-per-views), each resulting in multiple championship fiestas and also Joe Namath comes into the Packers
huddle and smacks Bart Starr in the face with a folding chair. (And now I wish that downloaded a Joe Namath create-a-wrestler)
SLASH!!!
The
two leagues (and if I can just say that the customizability of WWE 13's
Universe mode- basically the "career" mode of other sports games- is
nothing short of funtastic) are WCW and Raw Is War. Not that you
necessarily care about that, but at least you'll know when I start
throwing those names around.
At
this point my goal is to write weekly about my little corner of the
universe. Maybe profile a wrestler each week. Give an update on
championship rankings. And we'll see what else. I really do think that
this could end up being very fun (for me), and hopefully at least a little tolerable for you.
As Thanksgiving day 2011 comes to a close, I just thought of something else I'm thankful for. I'm thankful for having a Detroit Lions team that does not disgrace the game so badly that the TV talking heads are forced to opine the merits of taking away the one Lions tradition that does not involve poor drafting or poor play. If there's one thing I hate worse than always having a bad team, it's watching pre-game shows where everybody tells me how bad my team is. Hey, thanks Dan Marino- but I already knew that Matt Millen flushed the whole freaking franchise down the toilet.
In case you didn't watch the Packers-Lions turkey day tilt this afternoon (and if you're reading this blog, there is really no reason why you shouldn't have), then you missed the time when Ndamukong Suh morphed into the WWF version of the Incredible Hulk.
Much has been made this season about the Detroit Lions being a dirty team and Suh being named the dirtiest player in the league (in a recent poll done by the Sporting News. I guess). For the most part, I don't have a huge problem with, as Brian Urlacher put it, the Lions playing to 'the echo of the whistle'. This is about changing a losing culture, and if they have to go a little too far the other way- well, that's fine. People just need to know that they can't mess with the Detroit Lions.
In that regard, I love what Suh brings to the table. He is a physical freak- with python-like arms, a non-stop motor, and running back athleticism. He has an impossible to pronounce/spell first name mixed with a phonetically pleasing last name which helps him to appeal to...well, whatever demographic that sort of thing appeals to. His arrival in Detroit has coincided with the Renaissance that has been Detroit football the last couple years. It's like a breath of fresh air, which is no trivial thing when you're living in a cesspool like Detroit.
Of course, you have to take the bad with the good, and in this case, our dominant defensive lineman/philanthropist is also apparently a delusional homicidal maniac. During the past two seasons, he has almost ripped the heads off of two QBs. He also did a pretty fair 'Hulk Smash' impression on Jay Cutler's back last year. The worst part of this is that he doesn't seem to realize this- or he does realize and just doesn't care.
Today's incident seriously upped the rhetoric from the 'Suh/dirty player' camps, and as much as it pains me to say this- the pundits just might be right about this one. I think what puts elevates this incident over the others in terms of 'Okay, maybe Suh is a little bit of an angry douche-bag' was when he unsuccessfully tried to tell the world that he was the victim here.
Before watching Suh wade through probably the worst apology/defense since Tiger Woods tried to tell us his golf clubs had attacked him, his shenanigans reminded me of the Bad Boys. Sure, they played rough, and they may or may not have broken some rules (as well as basic laws of human decency), but they were our team and it actually made us feel closer to them. People were backing us into the same corner, and as long as that corner wasn't anywhere near Bill Laimbeer, we were just fine to bunkerize ourselves with them.
It's been the same thing for Donkey-Kong Suh. With each incident, each act of competitive violence, it was just justified in the context of being a 'competitor'. Yeah he tried to rip his head off- but it's Jake Delhomme. He'd have done the Browns a favor! And so what that he tried to forearm shiver Jay Cutler into a greasy paste? He was just trying to make a play! Besides, sometimes I just think your hands end up really close to someones head in football and you just have to violently tear them away. Completely natural.
But today was somehow different. And I really think the difference lies in the level of self-deceit apparent in the post game comments about the incident.
Understand that football can be a violent game and with all that adrenaline and testosterone and pressure, it makes sense that dudes would get pissed off once in awhile. I'm not begrudging Suh that. Sure, his stunt gave the Packers a first down inside the 5 after we had just stopped them on a third-and-goal, which was exactly what our team needed after the Packers apparently performed some sort of ritual exorcism at halftime and rid them of the first half sucktitude. The fact that he got ejected was just icing on the 'We're screwed' cake. Okay, so maybe I'm a little bit begrudging.
But if he just would have came out afterwards and been like 'Man, I don't know what happened- I was just really really hungry and I didn't think I could wait until after the game, and I just kept thinking about turkey, and I was pissed that I couldn't eat until after the game and- well, I let my hunger get the best of me and I behaved in a way that was detrimental to my team, the fans, and this great organization. I'm sorry, and I'll accept whatever punishment that comes my way'. I would have accepted that. Lots of dudes get angry and do stupid stuff. Especially when turkey is involved.
That's not what he did though. He came out and basically blamed the refs for throwing him out for just trying to get up. He appealed to his 'true fans' and God (I'm assuming God. He said 'the man upstairs'. Which, given his apparent assessment of reality, could be some guy that he actually thinks lives 'upstairs') and basically accused anyone who tries to spin this into the 'Suh=dirtiest NFL player' narrative of being some sort of self-serving jerk-nalist. He tried to justify the kicking action by saying he was 'trying to gain his balance'.
HULK...TRYING TO...MAINTAIN....EQUILIBRIUM...
Some of the TV talking heads were talking about the possibility of a suspension and I have to say I agree with them on this. I'm sorry, he can create a persecution-free layer of protection in his mind, but it's pretty plain to see that there was some malicious intent there. At the very least, suspend him for a game and send him to some ballet classes where they can help him with his balance so that he doesn't accidentally kill someone next time he falls down.
And seriously, I think a suspension would do him good, if for no other reason than to hopefully get him to acknowledge that 'Hey, I can still be a tough guy who stretches the rules just as long as I don't obviously break them'. We were joking about Suh before the game, and the ripping off of other players heads (figuratively speaking) and in that moment I sort of pictured that very thing literally happening- and it didn't surprise me at all. And it makes sense. Suh is not the first guy with that kind of strength and that built up passive rage (while seeming to lack the ability to comprehend his actions from a second-person perspective) that we've come across...
HULK SHOW YOU ROUGHING PASSER!!!!!
Please, Ndamukong- get some self control before you really hurt someone and throw a potentially Hall-of-Fame career down the toilet.
PIC-
Hulk 1- http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4127/4835814723_cce53fd3c3.jpg
Hulk 2- http://www.riverglassdesigns.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/hulk-smash1.jpg
In the spirit of Thanksgiving in three days, I have finally found something to be thankful for. And it came to me in the most unlikely of places (New York) in the most unlikely of packages (Rex Ryan). Guys, I am thankful for Rex Ryan. I'll say it right now, I don't even care who knows it- Jesus, thank you for giving Rex Ryan to the NFL.
True, I think he talks way too much trash for someone who hasn't really done anything except almost make it to two Super Bowls. And...actually, I guess now that I think about it, the only thing I really hold against him is his bravado. Hmmm...he might actually be a decent guy!
Let's see...his players seem to love playing for him. He has a better sense of humor than most coaches. Rexy has, for the most part, been a successful head coach- two trips to the AFC title game the last two years (his first two on the job, OH BY THE WAY). He's quite portly, which gives me and my expanding waistline hope for success. Shoot, I might have just talked myself into the Rex Ryan fan club. Thank you, Thanksgiving!
Since I'm Rex's newest BFF, I have no other alternative than to come to the defense of my closest friend. Today, the NFL announced that Rex Ryan would be fined $75,000 for swearing at a fan. Here's the video if you haven't seen it:
Apparently the NFL stands for 'No F-bombs aLlowed', or something. Apparently in the magical land of the NFL, a fan can provoke a coach who is coming off of a three hour emotional rollercoaster (that pretty much ended with a straight shot down into hell) into saying the 'F' word and it costs the coach $75,000. Meanwhile, Lee Corso drops an 'Effer in a nice comfy chair surrounded by cute,cheering co-eds-
And don't forget beautiful college girls
and gets zero disciplinary action (other than having to apologize on-air). So unfair.
Seriously, this is completely ridiculous! Is anyone else as pissed off as I am pretending to be? I know, I know- these aren't even the same situation. Two very different bureaucracies (NFL vs. ESPN) involving two wildy divergent histories (the Sunshine Scooter versus the NFL's Marshall Mathers). Some dufus with a webcam
pokes Rex with a verbal stick (which seems about as smart as poking a bear with
a stick-stick, and not just because of physical similarities) while Corso works the room like a comedian getting ready to drop the big punchline. Just makes me sick.
I'm not really bothered by either incident, actually. I've already talked about how words are really just formations of letters that are devoid of meaning unless it's assigned meaning from an external source. An 'eff bomb' here or there doesn't really bother me at all- in fact, Lee Corso doubled my joy intake for his gaffer. I just find it terrible that Ryan's more defensible act cost him 75,000 bones while Corso's seemingly more pre-meditated (at best, less of an emotional reaction) cost him a five-second apology.
Okay, okay, my ill-conceived and baseless rant in defense of my buddy is over. Yes I was wrong. I recognize that there are rules for a reason and that Ryan clearly violated the sportsmanship clause of the disciplinary policy. As the coach of an NFL team, you can't take your frustrations out on the poor, defenseless probably drunk fans. You have to keep your cool, Rex.
But this is where I show Rex that I'm a real friend. Because not only did I stick up for him- but I'm going to help him do better next time. I did some exhaustive research (by that I mean I read like, four articles maybe) and found some ways that Rex can blow off some steam, maintain a sense of self-deviance, and save a bundle of money (or at least get more bang for his buck).
- Try to rip off an opponents head by grabbing the face mask and just ripping that puppy off. That only cost Matthew Stafford $7,500. Savings- $67,500
- Allow someone to try and tear your head off and then get pissed and retaliate, just like D.J. Moore did. Sure, you'll get fined twice as much as the guy who tries the initial head/neck breach ($15,000), but you'll still save a cool $60,000.
- Next time there's a lockout, just say 'Whatever' to the rules and keep in touch with your players. The Bucs just got fined 100,000 big ones for improper lockout contact. Sure, it's more money up front. But wouldn't you rather spend $100,000 to practice illegally than $75,000 getting pissed because it looks like you don't practice at all?
- Lots of times, we can tell if we're starting to get stressed way before we have a big blow up. And when that happens, we just have to find someone that we're comfortable talking to. Blow off a little steam, get some feedback, and we're good to go. Crisis averted. Borrow a page from Troy Polamalu's book and just keep a cell phone handy on the sidelines for such an occasion. That'll only cost you 10k, and save you a fortune (depending on your cell phone plan, of course).
- Sometimes a little talky-talky doesn't really do the soul any good though. In those instances, the best thing you can do is find someone in a vulnerable, defenseless position and just unload on them. Knock that poor bastard into next week. It won't save you a ton of change (Ryan Clark was fined $40,000 for hitting a defenseless receiver), but the satisfaction it brings will make up for it in spades.
- Don't be afraid to do something a little bit dangerous...as far as fashion goes. The NFL had to fine Earl Bennett twice (for a total of 15,000) and threatened him with an additional $15,000 fine for wearing bright orange shoes during two games (instead of the acceptable orange and blue shoes). Why the fine? I posit that it's because Earl was just working those shoes, man!
Admit it- you would pretend to care about fashion to be this close to Heidi Klum.
- It's okay to admit that you don't like Tom Brady. You hate him. You don't have to pretend with me, Rexy- I know how you feel about him. Especially when you look at your own QB (Mark Sanchez) and see how much he sucks when compared to Brady. It's like that cocky neighbor kid you just can't stand...except you keep comparing him to your own kid and realizing how much better he is than your kid and so you still hate the neighbor kid but now you don't really like your own kid and ALRIGHT ALREADY JUST HIT HIM IN THE KNEE- JUST TAKE A SLEDGEHAMMER TO THAT #*%$*#@*% KNEE FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!!!! Cost of relief- $15,000 (as long as it's you nicknaming one of your players 'Sledgehammer'. An actual sledgehammer to the knee will probably run you much more than $15,000)
- Sometimes it's not what you say, but how you say it. Take A.J. Hawk for example. In a game earlier this year, Hawk decided to fly the Middle Finger flag- and only got docked $10,000. Think about it man- if you just flip the bird when you're in the tunnel, instead of using that sweet, sultry baritone booming voice to thunder the old 'F.U.'- you'd most likely still have that $75,000 to spend on Twinkies. Worst case scenario, you're only out $10,000.
Of course, it'd probably be best if you just handled it like your peers do. After the game, charge across the field like a crazy-eyed Jack Nicholson, launch yourself into the air (as much as is possible after charging all the way across the field) and simply slam into the opponents coach- a la Jim Harbaugh/Schwartz. That might be the least appropriate course of action, though. After all, as a coach, you're expected to model acceptable behavior and model fine, upstanding citizenry. And to do something like that would cost you way more than the $75,...wait, what? They didn't get fined? Never mind. Break out the Sledgehammer.
Information regarding fines was used from several articles on NFL.com
PIC- Kirk- http://www.clevelandleader.com/files/Kirk%20Herbstreit.jpg
Christian- http://www.nypost.com/r/nypost/blogs/popwrap/200809/Images/200809_christian_siriano41.jpg
Welcome to part 2 of my "Marvel vs. DC: The Gridiron Years" saga. If you missed part 1, then click here. If you read it and don't miss it, then WHO NEEDS YOU ANYWAYS?????
Sorry about that- I forgot to take my Internet estrogen. Here's a look at the defense. As before, pictures are from comicvine.com and measurables are from marvel.com. Now, let's get ready to rumble:
Defensive end- Hulk
8', 1400 lbs
Assuming that the Hulk can stay mad (and I can't imagine that would be difficult while mucking around in the trenches), Marvel has a defensive end fueled by rage who continues to grow stronger as he gets angrier. Reminds me a lot of Donkey Kong Suh. They might need a way to figure out how to help Hulk control that rage though- otherwise I'm seeing a continuous series of encroachment and roughing-the-passer penalties from the Jolly Green Giant. And when I say 'roughing-the-passer', I mean 'beating-the-passer-into-a-bloody-pulp'. Which is still probably just a 15-yard penalty with automatic first down. Can't protect quarterbacks too much, eh Goodell?
Nose tackle- Blob
5'10", 510 lbs
There are a lot of fat dudes that have made a lot of money in the NFL simply because they could stand there in the middle of the defensive line and not be moved. Well who better in the comic universe to fill that role than the Blob? Seriously, I think this guy single-handedly shuts down any inside run game from DC, and frees up the D-ends to tee off on the DC quarterback. Plus, he's a fat guy wearing a leotard. So that too will help slow down the DC offense. Have you ever tried running a football while suppressing the gag reflex?
Defensive end- Colossus
7'5", 500 lbs
Besides already having his own shoulder pads, Colossus is an asset to the Marvel D because of his organic steel frame, super strength, and Russian heritage. But really it's because he has his own shoulder pads. Those things aren't cheap!
Outside linebacker- Sabretooth
6'6", 375 lbs
Sabretooth is like Lawrence Taylor from Hell. This angry quarterback-seeking missile prowls the offensive backfield with death and blood on his mind. He won't be making plays as much as he will be making piles of dead bodies that you have to step over to get past the line of scrimmage.
Inside linebacker- Iron Man
6'6", 425 lbs
Look, I've seen all three Iron Man movies.
This one's my favorite. Although, why didn't he blow stuff up?
So I know the weapons systems and targeting and tracking and all that stuff that Tony Stark has inside that suit. Combined with his cockiness and natural smarts, I can't think of a better captain of the Marvel D. Plugging him in at inside linebacker gives his suit the proper vantage point to utilize his technology to shut down the opposing offense. Also, it keeps him away from the fans, who are probably going to be drinking beer.
Inside linebacker- Doctor Octopus
5'9", 245 lbs
As I think back to the two weeks that I spent playing defense in high school (before they realized I was too weak and slow to be anything more than a welcome mat), I remember our coach screaming at us about the importance of using our hands and not allowing the blockers to get into our body areas. That is not an issue with the good doctor here. Most human beings are limited to one pair of hands. But Doc Ock has three pair. Three. That means that pair number one engages the oncoming blocker, pair number two coils around the ball carriers legs to prevent further yardage from being gained, and pair number three is free to readjust the pesky athletic supporter, which always seems to bunch up at the most inconvenient tim..YEOUCH!!!!
Outside linebacker- Thor
6'6", 640 lbs
Like the Florida State defensive ends of the late '90's, Thor has only one role- to run as fast as he can to try and tackle the quarterback. No way I want any part of him trying to have to make thoughtful decisions on the fly. No dropping back into coverage. No trying to read the play. Just use that Asgardian speed-burst to plant Mjolnir into the passers' chest.
Cornerback- Spider-man
5'10", 167 lbs
With a normal cornerback, you're worried about two things:
Their ability to match up with the opposing wide receiver and play lock-down man-to-man defense.
Their hands of stone.
With Spidey, you don't worry about either of those things. He's got the speed, strength, and agility of a spider so I'm not worried about him going one-on-one with anyone. And he has special pads on his fingers that help him scale walls, for crying out loud, so I don't think holding onto the football is going to be a big deal. Besides, even if he does get burned, he can shoot sticky webs out of his wrists. Now that's what I call 'recovery speed'.
Cornerback- Namor
6'2", 278 lbs
Apart from having all the super-human attributes, Namor has the supreme arrogance that any good cornerback needs. No need to worry about giving up that 50 yard touchdown pass to put DC up by two scores- Namor doesn't give up 50 yard touchdown passes. The only concern is that he starts to lose power the longer he's out of water. So keep those fluids coming, guys!
Strong safety- Wolverine
5'3", 300 lbs
Wolverine might be a step slow at safety, but he's a perfect fit for this defense. He's tough as nails. A superb natural athlete.. He has a nose for the ball. And with a skeleton laced with adamantium, you best believe any receiver that crosses over the middle is going to get nailed like he's never been nailed before. And with twelve inch adamantium claws, it will literally be like getting nailed. Ouch. Hope someone here knows meta-human First Aid!
Free safety- Beast
5'11", 402 lbs
If you combined Einstein's mental capacities with LeBron James' freakish athletic gifts, you would probably end up with someone like the Beast. Although looking at this picture, I'm assuming that you dropped a Smurf in there too, and maybe Hello Kitty. But anyways Beast is an amazingly gifted athlete who is also one of the smartest minds in the Marvel U. I see your play-action, DC, and raise you some enzyme catalyzed reductions and an interception. Boo-yah.
Defensive coordinator- Nick Fury
Nick Fury has an eye-patch and is played on the silver screen by Samuel L. That's all you need to know. And because Nick is such a secretive guy, that's pretty much all you get to know. Oh dear, I've said too much.
Come back on Wednesday to check out the DC Stars roster- starting with their high-octane offense led by....STAY TUNED!
PICS- Iron Man- http://heightslibrary.org/wordpress/undeadrat/wp-content/uploads/2008/12/ironmanondvdfull1.jpg
Iron Man 2- http://fcdn.filmonic.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/07/iron-man-2-dvd.jpg
Iron Giant- http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51R222WH7SL._SL500_AA300_.jpg
So I watched the Oscars last night. Not the whole thing, mind you- I was in bed by 10. And it wasn't because the Oscars sucked last night that I was in bed by 10 (although...they did suck)- it was that I was just plumb tuckered out. I decided to conduct a mad science experiment with my sleep schedule over the weekend and concluded that most nights, I should probably get more than 5 hours of sleep per night.
And I realized something- I desperately need football to not go away next season. Sure, the Oscars take place after football season, so it's not an interference there. But it was like when Frodo looked into the mystical punch bowl and saw the Shire set ablaze- I saw myself sitting home on a Sunday afternoon, watching some show about housewives...or was it house hunting...maybe Dogg the bounty hunter. I don't know. All I know is that I saw life without football- and I didn't like it.
Anyways, back to the Oscars. I don't really have too much to say about them- after all, I didn't watch the whole thing, and I honestly don't think I had seen any of the movies that were nominated for awards- except for the back half of Alice in Wonderland on Netflix Instant. I had forgot that movie came out in 2010- largely in part because it was on Netflix Instant. Isn't that like, the kiss of death for a movie? I mean, if it's legitimately good...you have to go through the whole rigmarole of sending in your last disc so that they can send you the DVD a couple days later. But if it's kinda lame (or for kids)- you get to stream it right to your PS3.
Speaking of Netflix- I think that wonderful piece of movie viewing technology is at least largely responsible for my lack of awareness about what was going on in the world of movie-dom during 2010. Seriously- I think the last movie we saw was (oooh- Palindrome) the Voyage of the Dawn Treader- and there weren't many movies before that. Because we pretty much stopped watching regular TV and started watching things on Netflix- we missed out on all sorts of movie trailers. I think I probably saw more movie trailers during the Super Bowl than I did in all of 2010.
While I lacked a clear baseline for assessing the choices of the Academy, I was able to gain an appreciation for who the Oscars are really for- those people whose names get lost in the shuffle of the end credits- the behind the scene folks who don't get to be on the cover of People or Weekly Us- but who can many times make or break a movie without us even knowing it. Those are the people that the Oscars are all about. The tabloids make it about ridiculous dresses and celebrity couples- but those people already have their fame. The Oscars exist so the no-namers get to have their day in the sun- even if they get to go right back to anonymity right after the after parties. Congratulations, guys- your hard work helps to keep movies from being school plays with famous people in them.
Here are some random thoughts on the presentation of the 83rd Oscars: - Maybe I was just spoiled by guys like Billy Crystal and Jon Stewart and their writers, but come on- last nights show was LAME. The jokes were lame, the opening film montage was lame, the presenters that tried to be funny were lame. It was simply a train wreck. It was a combination of really poor writing and two hosts that really don't have enough ad-lib ability to fill in the blanks. I like James Franco as an actor- I like him a lot, actually. But he's no Hollywood funny man, and he's definitely not a very attractive woman. When James and Anne had to call out their mothers to get applause- I knew we were in for a very, VERY long night.
- Who knew that the dude from Chuck could sing so well? Seriously- I've only seen Zachary Levi in the Alvin and the Chipmunks 2 and some clips of his TV show. I would have never guess he had a set of silky-smooth pipes like that. Kudos, Zachary.
- I'm not sure what was a more awkward moment- Melissa Leo's rehearsed speechlessness or Christian Bale forgetting his wife's name. I'm not saying that Leo wasn't initially speechless- just that she obviously thought she wasn't going to win, and so prepared herself for the moment by concocting a speechless 'speech'. It was really painful on the eyes. And Christian- I don't care that you won an Oscar for Best Supporting Actor. You are on couch duty until further notice.
- Literally had to Wikipedia the name 'Trent Reznor' to make sure that the guy that accepted the Best Original Score Oscar was the same guy that wanted to 'F*** me like an animal' in the 90's. Yup. It was.
Overall, I'm not mad at myself that I watched the Oscars. I just wish we would have spent that time watching Inception.
Psyche! I'm not really going to write about the Pro Bowl, because I'm not really going to watch the Pro Bowl. Other than seeing all of the best players together on the same field (which is like watching a football game in a bizarro universe for a Lions fan) and seeing the really cool uniforms (to see a team of football players wearing different helmets is like watching the sports version of the Nockmaar army)- there is really no point to an NFL all-star game. I mean, football is probably the most physical of the four major sports (yes, I still consider hockey a major sport, and yes, hockey can contend with the physical aspects of football), but these guys are in Hawaii, their football seasons already over. How much do they really want to get beat up for an all-star game?
Plus, they have rules like you can only rush a certain number of players, and only blitz like once every three downs or something. And football plays take a long time to really master- yet these guys get about a week. It all adds up to lame football.
So I don't want to take anything away from those players that excelled over the course of the season and earned a shot to be all-stars. You guys deserve it. Just don't expect me to watch it. Because it's not really football.
The NFL season is almost over...which means that we here at youshouldknowjasonparks.blogspot.com headquarters are scrambling around for other things to write about. In the mean time- there is still more football to be played, and thus more inane nonsense for me to write about! In case you missed my work on the Wild Card round or the Divisional round, I have hyperlinked it for your viewing pleasure. Please, please- I only live to serve.
Congrats to the Packers and Steelers. And congratulations to you reader, because you get to read what I was thinking about as I watched them enter into Super Bowl territory.
-Green Bay at Chicago The Packers took it right down on their first possession with ridiculous ease- and yet they only scored one other offensive touchdown the whole game. I often wonder why teams that start super fast like that do not often seem to be able to sustain that. It reminds me of week 1- the season kickoff game between the Saints and the Vikings, and the rematch of last seasons NFC Championship game. The Saints looked like world beaters on their first possession, and marched it right down for a ridiculously easy touchdown. Then they spent the rest of the game having to scratch and claw for every yard. Do defenses really adjust that quickly? Or do the offenses just get super over-confident?
I may or may not have taken a break from the game late in the first half until the start of the second half, so I had no idea that Jay Cutler got hurt and I was really shocked when they brought Todd Collins in. And it was absolutely at the worst time possible. Brian Urlacher made that huge pick in the red zone and almost returned it for a touchdown, the Bears had this huge wave of momentum- and then Todd Collins trots out onto the field. I literally felt like the game was over at that point.
I have fond memories of Collins as a U-M QB, and I felt that he got the shaft in Buffalo after his one season as a starter- so believe me when I tell you that I derive no joy from what I am about to say. Todd Collins may have been the worst QB in the history of the world this season. His numbers from this season- including the postseason (10-31, 68 yards, 0 TD and 5 INT) are approaching Ryan Leaf-bad, but it was the fact that he played the position like they had found a random guy on the street and suited him up. At no point during his two series' did I feel like I was watching an NFL QB...or even a college QB...more like a really bad JV QB on a sad sack Class-D (sorry- Division 8) team. Todd- I really hope that retirement is kinder to you then your time in Chicago was.
Of course, thanks to the internet age we live in, the haters, conspiracy theorists, and "fans" were out in full riot mode over Cutler's mystery injury (which we found out today was a sprained MCL). Particularly scathing was the criticism (via Twitter) from his peers. Of course, his team rushed to his defense, but as Monday came to a close, Cutler-gate (I know, I know- take x conspiracy and add -gate on the end, how original) was not even close to being finished.
Now, I didn't want to say this during the season because I'm a true warrior and competitor..but it's possible that Jay Cutler sabotaged my Fantasy Football season. I'm just saying- when I played him, he sucked, but when I sat him out, he was amazing. I don't want to say that Cutler is a quitter- but he's a real big meany head and possibly a double agent.
Definite props to Tim Mashtay- punters don't get the recognition that they deserve, but Mashtay did a brilliant job of punting and kept the Bears offense pinned deep in their own territory. When your offense is struggling and you have to start drives inside your own 10 yard line- it can be a devastating combo.
Aside from not being a very big American Idol fan to being with- the presence of Steven Tyler is definitely not a compelling reason for me to watch the show...especially since his physical appearance and mannerisms in the promo ads remind me of a 15 year old girl. I know that Steven was a highly successful rocker dude, and he has always looked like a woman...but he's really taking it to the next level for American Idol.
Caleb Hanie played very well coming off the bench- even Troy Aikman agreed with me. Speaking of Troy Aikman- I'm not an especially big fan of the Joe Buck/Troy Aikman announcing team, and it makes me sad that Fox believes them to be their top guys. I personally prefer Jim Nantz and Phil Simms. Al Michaels and Cris Collinsworth are good too, and Gus Johnson pretty much rocks whoever he is with. I just think Buck is too dry in his delivery, and Aikman is not dynamic enough to make this Summerall/Madden II combo work.
-New York at Pittsburgh If the Steelers can play a whole game like they played that first half- then the Packers might want to stay home. That was one of the most dominating performances I've ever seen in football in a long time. It was 24-0 at one point, and really it wasn't even that close. Of course, the second half was a different story, which is why I had to sweat out the last few minutes of the game.
If I'm playing a backyard game of football, and I can choose from the entire pool of NFL players- I am picking Big Ben first. Hands down. He's like Houdini if Houdini was three times bigger and actually played football. Oh, and if he had a rocket launcher for an arm. I might pick Rashard Mendenhall second...what an amazing performance by that young man last night. I actually think MANdenhall would be a more appropriate rendering of his last name- what a beastly outing against a defense that doesn't get shredded like that (121 yards rushing and a TD, 32 yards receiving) very often.
Big ups to CMU Chippewa alum Antonio Brown, who for the second straight game made a clutch catch late in the game for the Steelers. And to think- before last week I didn't even know he had entered the NFL draft. Now- the Steelers would likely not be going to the Super Bowl without him. Funny thing, fate is.
Can the mainstream sports media just admit that they really don't know what to make about Rex Ryan's shenanigans? Last week, several columns basically said that Ryan was biting off more than he could chew by trash-talking Bill Belichick and the Patriots- and the Jets owned them (much to my chagrin). This past week, columnists were saying how Ryan is a 'master strategist' and was showing us all his brilliance by the way he uses press conferences to manipulate his opponents- and the Jets promptly came out and got pantsed. Look, I get it- there is this human need to rationalize events that don't seem to make sense- and really, Rex Ryan doesn't make sense. But don't try to dupe us- you don't know. We don't know. Nobody knows. And that's okay.
I mentioned earlier that I really like Nantz and Simms, but I definitely blame Nantz for that safety. It was a blatant case of Announcer Jinx. Fortunately it didn't come back to haunt the Steelers...otherwise I would have had to send Jim Nantz a mean letter.
As far as Super Bowl 45 goes (I'm sorry- I don't really remember the Roman numerals for the game, and really this is American football, not Roman football, so I think we should use American numbers)- if Pittsburgh can play a full game the way they played against the Ravens in the second half or the Jets in the first half- I can't see any team beating them. However, if any of the Ravens game first half or Jets game second half creeps in- then the Packers will be Titletown again. Personally, as impressed as I've been with the Steelers at times, the lack of consistency cannot be just wished away, and the Packers seem to have been more consistent. I predict a Packers win, although I think this game is going to go down to the wire and be one for the ages.
On January 8, Arizona Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords was shot through the head in a shooting spree that also killed six other people. Not long after that, stupid arguments began over who is more responsible for the incident for the use of violent political rhetoric. Seriously- this is like the highest profile game of "Nuh uh...uh huh...Nuh uh...uh huh..." I've seen sinceLonestar and Barf were deciding whether to jam the radar.
Shut up guys.Six people died, and don't think so highly of yourselves to think that your opponents are to blame for it. If there was ever a time for political differences to be put aside in the interest of working together towards making the USA a better place, then I'm sure you screwed that up as well. This is ridiculous.
And it's doubly ridiculous because this is not a new problem! Look at sports, for example. Commonplace violent language has existed in our culture long before you idiots started to throw it around like hot potatoes. And I'll give you some examples to prove it.
Note: I am not condoning the use of violent language in sports- I'm just saying that so many of these terms have become a part of my (and millions of other sports fans') vernacular that it's silly to me to think that you can blame this shooting incident on language.
Football is often referred to as "war"- in fact, the Arena Football League used to call their game the "50 yard indoor war". And a head coach better get his guys prepared to go to battle, because if his team does poorly, he's likely to get the "axe".
His chances for success surely increase if he has a quarterback with a strong arm (commonly referred to as a "cannon") that throws long "bombs" and "bullet" passes to his receivers. The quarterback may run plays out of the "shotgun" or "pistol" formations.
If the New York Jets have taught us anything, it is what a football "gunner" is. Well, and how to act like a buffoon.
Hmmmm what else....oh, silly me- I forgot about defense-with all their "blitzs" and quarterback "sacks".
Football isn't the only sport that invokes images of Mark Wahlberg. Hockey goal scorers has its "snipers". College basketball gave us "The Alaskan Assassin", although Trajan is hardly the first athlete to be referred to in that way. It's also generally good to have a long-range "bomber" to nail the late game "dagger" to put the game out of reach.
I definitely do not mean to make light at all of the tragic shooting in Arizona on January 8th. I do, however, fully mean to make light of the ridiculous back and forth about who is more at fault for the shooting. The left doesn't want to take responsibility because theirs is the side that took the violence up a couple octaves. The right doesn't want to take responsibility because it is the right.
Before I dig into this post, you need to know a couple things. First of all, I plan to watch a lot of playoff football in the next couple weeks. So plan on reading some blogs about it. Secondly- I am not a football expert. I know the rules, positions, statistics, basic strategy, etc. But this isn't going to be one of those blogs with crazy football insight or scout speak. It's going to be one man's gut reactions to what he sees (and what the announcers tell him he sees). So with that in mind- Wild Card weekend!
-New Orleans at Seattle This is definitely the game that I watched the most of, although that doesn't necessarily mean much- being easily distracted and having young children is a really bad mix for watching football. It doesn't help that I have a hard time slipping into old school dad mode, where nothing comes before football. But enough about that.
First of all- hats off to the Seahawks. I don't know how long their playoff ride will last, but anytime an underdog wins, it's a big deal. The fact that they had a losing record and beat the defending Super Bowl champs makes it even bigger. It's not quite a 16 seed beating a 1 seed in the NCAA tournament- but I think it's pretty close.
That said- this game was just as much a Saints loss as it was a Seahawks win. The defense looked really bad- 12 year veteran Brandon Stokely (12 year veteran is a synonym for 'cagey', which is itself a synonym for 'old and slow') beat 3 Saints on a deep touchdown, and Marshawn Lynch almost broke an entire defense worth of tackles on his way to a 67 yard dagger touchdown run in the 4th quarter. Matt Hasselbeck was only sacked once.
It was almost like New Orleans took this game for granted, and was never able to really capture a sense of urgency. One play symbolizes this to me. It's easy to miss because it happened early in the game, but it was a 3rd and 2 (or 3ish) inside the red zone on the Saints first possession, and a scrambling Drew Brees threw an incomplete pass to Reggie Bush (Bush dropped the ball). Brees is no Vince Young, but I feel like Brees could have ran for the 1st down instead of throwing an awkward pass to Bush. I almost feel like they didn't take that play as serious as they could have- maybe with more urgency, he would have put his head down and tried to make the 1st down. I don't know for sure. But to me, that play was huge, because instead of taking the opening kick and marching methodically for a touchdown, they had to settle for a field goal. If there is one thing I've learned, it's that you don't allow an underdog to hang around because they start to believe that they can win. You need to bury them, and bury them quickly. It's surprising that the defending champs weren't able to do this.
Next week, I think that the clock strikes midnight on Cinderella. I really don't see the Bears making the same mistakes. True, their offense is nowhere near as prolific as the Saints is- but then, their defense is much more likely to make life miserable for the Seahawks. I see the Bears winning and advancing to the conference finals.
-New York at Indianapolis I only saw bits and pieces of this game because we were busy making some preparations for my in-laws 30th anniversary celebration. Nonetheless, I have stuff to say, doggone it!
First of all, I do feel bad for Peyton Manning. He's a great QB, a hard worker, and judging from his numerous commercials, a fun guy. Yet, all his qualities and successes haven't added up to significant post season success. Yeah, he has a Super Bowl ring and another appearance- but his list of failures is just as long. The loss to the Jets just adds to that legacy blemish.
I really don't like the Jets. I didn't like them before the season (without even watching Hard Knocks) because I hate the whole 'self promotion' thing. I am much more of the idea that you talk after you win, not before. The circus that came during the season for the Jets (Braylon Edwards DUI, Trip-gate, Foot fetish, etc.) just added to my disdain for them. Police your own, Jets- I am not naive enough to believe that all football teams are made up of saints (only the one in New Orleans), but you have to be able to keep things under wraps. The problem with talking loud and often is that eventually you have to stick your foot in your mouth because you say something stupid.
That said, the Jets win didn't surprise me- only the manner in which it happened. Nick Folk kicks the game winning field goal- really? I had Nick Folk as my fantasy kicker last season. How does he win a playoff game with a field goal? Did that just happen? Where was this last year during my playoffs? Huh?
Peyton and the Colts gave it their all, but they had too many injuries at key positions to pull it out. It was still a very gutsy performance by the men in blue, and I tip my proverbial hat to them. For the Jets- I hope that they have enjoyed their postseason, because it will be over after next weeks visit to the Patriots.
What stood out most to me about this game was the sequence late in the first half where the Jets were trying to get the ball to Dustin Keller and Mark Sanchez overthrew him- three straight times. Three. Straight. Times. You may get away with that against a banged up Colts team- but not against the Patriots. Sanchez still has time to develop into a really good QB- but he's definitely not there right now. Probably because he spends too much time throwing 2-liters and overacting.
-Baltimore at Kansas City First of all, hats off to the Chiefs- they had a great season with a young team. And in no way is my perception of their success biased by the presence of Dwayne Bowe on my fantasy team this season. No really, it's not.
Ever since the 90's, when I first started paying attention to football, I've had this sort of mystical perception of the Kansas City Chiefs franchise. It's probably because they only play the Lions once every blue moon, and Arrowhead stadium seemed to be one of the most intense and passionate stadiums. Whatever the case- I've always had a soft spot in my heart for the Chiefs.
Speaking of soft spots in hearts, the Ravens found the soft spot in the Chiefs', plunged their hands in, and ripped it out and then ate it. Baltimore was simply dominant- witness their 4th quarter 10+ minute drive to squelch any hope that the Chiefs may have had. Both teams were in the playoffs- but the Ravens are obviously in a completely different league when it comes to postseason football.
I found it interesting that Joe Flacco has never played in a home playoff football game. Barring a major upset by the Jets, he won't play in any this season either.
Next weeks Baltimore-Pittsburgh game will pay homage to the olden days, when football was a man's sport. I look forward to watching it in my Snuggie.
-Green Bay at Philadelphia Living in the Upper Peninsula is basically like living in Wisconsin as far as football goes. Our local newspaper covers the Packers like a local team. The locals root for the Packers. Even my Alma Mater has the same uniform colors as the Packers. So it is tough to openly root against the Packers. I have to be very subtle and subversive. Like that episode of Saved By The Bell where Valley steals the Bayside mascot, I have to be super sneaky.
PACKERS SUCK
Wait, that's not it.
(PACKERS SUCK)
That's better. Now, onto the game!
As much as it might pain me to admit it, the Packers are starting to live up to their preseason hype, and this 6 seed is going to send shockwaves through the rest of the playoffs. I don't see any remaining NFC team that scares them- they beat the Bears in the last week of the season, gave the Falcons all they could handle and more...and who is scared of the Seahawks? Actually...what is a Seahawk?
For the Eagles- tough way to lose. The magic just seemed to run out at the end- and if you've watched any of the Tinkerbell movies, you know that magic runs out, and you need to have a special blue stone that shines in the moonlight and makes more of it. It will be interesting to see if Vick's tail off at the end of the season will make the Eagles think twice about committing to him long term.
Another thing about Vick- Madden 11 basically treats him like he isn't even there! Seriously- every time he runs or makes a big play, he gets the generic QB treatment. I get that he was out of the NFL for a couple years, and was expected to be a back up when the game was being made. But this is Mike Vick, man- he was on the cover of your game, for crying out loud! How does he rate the same in-game commentary track as such legends as Rusty Smith or Dan LeFevour (sorry Dan- I love you man, but I can't think of any other QBs in the game right now that merit the generic QB commentary track).
That's all I have for now- tune in next week after another round of The Playoffs.
I know, I know- there is still a week left of the season, 3 weeks of post season. But as I have already bared my soul for all to see, the NORTH Michigan Snow Flurries are done. The only thing we have left to play for is pride...and screw that, I say. We've been playing for pride. Now the only thing left to play for is to not have the #1 overall pick because in a serpentine draft system, the top pick is almost more of a curse than a blessing, because then you have to basically wait 2 whole rounds before you can pick again. Plus, who wants to tell their friends that they were the worst fantasy football player in their league last year. Actually, who talks about fantasy football to their friends?
Where did it all go wrong? Some might say injuries- and while there is some truth to that, the other truth is that there are always great waiver-wire finds throughout the season. Kyle Orton, Peyton Hillis, and Michael Vick are just a few of the names that ended up being available via waiver wire. This is one of the components of being a champion- you have to know when a free-floating football player is getting ready to explode, while knowing which player on your roster is ready to be cut loose. It's a dog-eat-dog food world out there.
Was I able to find any of them- or anyone worth while? Only this exclusive inside-my-mind feature will be able to answer that question. The inside-my-mind commentary will be in italics. In case you couldn't figure that out.
Sept. 4- Dropped Donnie Avery- Possibly a prophetic draft pick, because I found out after I drafted him that he was out for the year. Maybe next season I should at least do a little bit of prep work...
Sept. 6- Added Sam Bradford- Sam actually will be starting his first game for the Snow Flurries in Week 13- but he has looked very good on my bench this season, and is definitely in line for keeper status- after all, this guy has the look of a future superstar all over him, and a great keeper can go a long way in keeping an injury-filled season afloat (see- Manning, Peyton; Johnson, Chris;Brady, Tom, etc.).
Sept. 23- Traded Patriots D, Dustin Keller, T.J. Houshmanzadeh to dad for Anquan Boldin, Heath Miller, and Tim Hightower- Ah yes. The Patriots D. I was able to throw them in this trade for what ended up being Anquan Boldin. Unfortunately, Boldin was mentally unable to rebound from the time when I benched him and he scored 33 points, and wound up in a late-season free fall. This trade ended up basically doing nothing for anyone.
Sept. 29- Dropped Mohammed Massaquoi, added Jabar Gaffney- Another inconsequential move, other than to give me a guy that I would occasionally look at on the bench and wonder 'Why didn't I play that guy?'.
Oct.2- Dropped Miller, added Aaron Hernandez- Hernandez will always be synonymous in my mind with 'what might have been'. Do you know how frustrating it is to always read the football 'experts' talk about what a match-up nightmare that Hernandez is- and to so infrequently see that show up in his statistics? Does it matter to me that his abilities make things easier for the New England offense? This isn't fantasy compassion damnit, it's fantasy football!
Oct. 13- Added Tony Scheffler and Mike Hart, dropped Hightower- The Tim Hightower Experiment wasn't one of my finer moments. See ya! Hart- well, I was just hoping Hart could recapture some of the magic that made him one of the best high school running backs of all time. Or at least not suck very much. Scheffler was another one of my failed experiments to replace Jermichael Finley.
Oct. 16- Dropped Lawrence Tynes, added Sebastion Janikowski- Tynes was not 100% sure thing to kick for the Giants that week, so I figured 'what the hey' and picked up the Raiders K. What was initially meant to be a one week trial for Janikowski ended up in a full-ride scholarship. Hey, if colleges can pay their players under the table, surely a Fantasy Football team can offer to pay for a guy's education.
Oct. 20- Dropped Hart, added Chris Ivory- Going off of memory here- I believe that the only reason that Hart was even playing was that the guys ahead of him were hurt...and then he got hurt. And the guys ahead of him were getting better. Or something like that, who knows. Only, nostalgia is no reason to keep someone around in Fantasy Football. So sayonara Mike Hart. As for Chris Ivory? Injuries waylaid him too...just long enough for me to drop him, someone else to pick him up, and for him to score 15 points in back-to-back weeks late in the season, which of course for me would have been amazing.
Oct. 27- Dropped Ravens D, added Cardinals D and Ryan Fitzpatrick- I remember, very clearly, in the draft room when I drafted the Ravens D, and everyone was like, 'good pick Parksy'...and only 2 months later, I can't get rid of them fast enough. What happened, Ray Lewis? Are you trying to tell me that it's more important for you to win real games by playing sound defense than it is for you to score me lots of fantasy points by gambling and possibly get out of position? What kind of sick, sick bastard are you? Well, just to spite you, I not only dropped you from my roster, but I picked up the very Harvard-educated QB that carved you up like a cooked bird- the immortal Ryan Fitzpatrick.
Oct. 30- Dropped Jermichael Finley, Michael Crabtree and Sam Bradford, added Josh Freeman and Mike Williams- I am not usually prone to making careless or impulsive decisions...oh wait. Yes I am. However, this case isn't all careless or 100% impulsive. Freeman ended up starting some games for me, as did Williams. And besides- I picked up Crabtree and Bradford later on in the season. Obviously they were still available not because they were not very good- but out of blind loyalty to my managerial awesomeness they rebuffed all other offers and just waited around for me to call them back.
Nov. 2- Traded Chad Henne and Ryan Fitzpatrick for Jay Cutler and Jon Kitna- This trade actually worked out well for me. No, really, it did. After Tony Romo got hurt, there was a virtual QB carousel that never seemed to stop. By trading Henne and Doogie Howser, I was able to narrow it down to Josh Freeman. And if Kutler ever decided to snap out of his funk? Then I got a top tier fantasy QB for pennies on the dollar.
Nov. 3- Dropped Ivory, Kitna, and Scheffler, added Marcel Reese, Todd Heap, and Bradford, (Sam- welcome back- we missed ya! What's that? No no no no- that's not Jay Cutler chilling on the bench. Why would I pick up another QB- you're my #2 guy!) Also, at this point my search for running backs has all of the glamor of spring break college students and one night stands. I decided that I'm done with that. From now on, I'm going to be a faithful 2 running back guy (Turner and McFadden)...and, just to be safe, I'll get their back-ups too (Snelling and Reese). I suppose this is akin to marrying a woman, and then taking her sister to be your concubine. Unfortunately, I screwed up my waiver priorities,not thinking about the fact that no one would be going after Reese. And so it is that I messed up a chance to pick up Dallas Clark 2.0 (Jacob Tamme) at TE.
Nov. 10- Dropped Reese, added Josh Scobee- With my kicker on a bye week, I figured I'd add a kicker to help fill in for those missing points. And Reese was on a bye week too, so I was 100% confident if I ever wanted to add him to my roster again, I'd know right where to find him.
Nov. 13- Added Jacoby Ford- Anytime you have a young player with a name that can be legitimately pronounced more than seven different ways- well, you have to give that guy a chance, right?
Nov. 16- Dropped Josh Scobee- Well, I would have lost by more than 2 if I didn't have him, so thanks Josh. Oh, and thanks for missing 2 field goals and costing me the game, you twit (interesting bit of trivia...Josh Scobee was my first ever fantasy football kicker).
Nov. 23- Traded Mike Williams and Josh Freeman for Big Ben, John Kuhn- Well, after last season's controversy and chaos, it was nice to report that I was the perpetrator of this years first big conspiracy theory. Never mind the fact that this desperation move to get into the playoffs was contingent on A) Me winning both of my last two games, B) Team Doomsday losing both of his last two games, and C) Big Ben racking up huge amounts of fantasy points. Of course, most of those things didn't happen. Which is why I'll be watching the playoffs at home. On my TV. Hey, maybe I can invite the Detroit Lions over!
Nov. 23- Dropped John Kuhn- Dear John- I regret to inform you that you have been waived from the NORTH Michigan Snow Flurries. It's nothing personal- in fact, it's not you...it's me. You're a great guy, a hard working player, and you've even scored some. It's just that...well, the last two Packers I had ended up on Injured Reserve, and I have commitment issues.
Nov. 23- Traded Darren McFadden for Steve Johnson and Reggie Bush- This same trade was initially proposed to me with Javhid Best included. I turned it down, and counter-proposed the 2-for-1 trade. Oh, Javhid Best. I proposed a hail-mary trade for him after he torched the Eagles in Week 2, and was quickly turned down. Who would have thought that later in the season, Best would not only be a trade throw-in, but that he would get trade thrown-out?
As far as the trade itself goes- it was really just a strategical risk for me. McFadden has been a stud this year- but he's started to slow down as of late. Johnson, meanwhile, carries the p-word that all WRs carry. No, not that one. Potential. Maybe this is all in my head, but RBs seem to be more stable in their points- fluctuating usually on their TDs week to week. WRs? Sometimes they might get you 5 or 6, but one week they might get you a couple TDs, and a couple hundred yards and have like 20-30 points. Did it work? You'll have to tune in for my 2nd half synopsis to find out!
Nov. 24- Added Browns D- At this point in the season, anytime you can find a defense on the waiver wire that is playing a historically bad offense, you have to take a chance.
Nov. 30- Dropped Steve Smith, Cardinals D, Browns D, and Hernandez, added Rob Gronkowski- In what historians will likely call The Day That the Snow Flurries Waved The White Flag, I decided to waive the injured Smith (a solid possession receiver who would be a valuable playoff asset...if I was going to make the playoffs), my reserve defenses, and a rookie TE who could have been my amazing waiver wire pick-up. Unfortunately, Bill Belichik decided that I should have picked up the TE that his team drafted higher, and decided to mess with my mind by making Hernandez an integral part of the game plan just long enough to hook me in, and then BAM- he pulls him from relevance with the mere wave of his hand. Sheer cruelty. from the hand of the master. You win Belichik. This time.
Well, that's all the time we have for that. I hope you enjoyed it- or at the very least, you still want to be my friend. Like I said, tune in next time. For stuff.
Why do we play fantasy football? It is maddening. You can't watch football the same again. Ever. You don't see a 50 yard touchdown run, you see 11 points. You don't see field goals, you look at how far the kick was and add a point for every 10 yards. You don't get mad because your defense gives up a touchdown- you get mad because now you don't get the bonus points.
And don't even get me started on the hindsight. You look at the box score and see your future Hall of Fame QB score 14 points, while the ragtag journeyman has 15, and you think to yourself 'if only I had started that bum'. I mean, really? Do you think real football coaches think those types of things?
Well, this is a chronicle of my season. It's been fun at times, it's been depressing at times. I've projected on to my team, which has never said die throughout the ups and downs. I don't know what will happen from here- I'm watching the Eagles play the Giants, with my last two players of the week needing to score over 20 points (and hoping that the Cardinals defense gets lit up) to advance to round 2. I've been injury-riddled beyond belief. But I managed to sneak into the postseason, and I'd like to stick around for a while.
I am in a league that my dad is in with a bunch of guys he used to work with. I inherited a team from a guy who played last year. It's a keeper league, and my 2 keepers were Michael Turner, RB and Donovan McNabb, QB. You could definitely do worse heading into a season.
This is my draft, and some comments about my picks. 1- Randy Moss, WR- A superstar who was very strong for my team. Even when I had to trade him for depth, I was able to get some other big point producers. A 2- Laurence Maroney, RB- Probably a reach, although due to injuries for his real team and my team, he was able to step in late season and pick up some points for me. Overall, he didn't really live up to his draft position though. C- 3- Ryan Grant, RB- Didn't see much from Grant, traded him for some guys that didn't do much for me. D 4- Ted Ginn Jr., WR- Nothing. Definitely reached for this one. F 5- Ben Roethlisberger, QB- Other than that week when he had a concussion, a staple in my line-up. Had an excellent season, and I'm definitely thinking about him as a keeper. A 6- Terrell Owens, WR- I joked at the beginning of the season that my WR corps was the best in the league- in 2005. Well, for Owens, that was definitely true. I dropped him maybe a little later than I could have, as he really didn't do anything for me. D- 7- Chad Ochocinco, WR- Solid. He had some spectacular outings, but mostly he was just consistent for me. Which is really all you can ask for out of a 2nd WR. B 8- Ronnie Brown, RB- I probably reflect better on Brown than he actually did because of that huge week 5 touchdown he scored for me (more on that later). Nonetheless, he did very solid for me before going down with a season ending injury. B+ 9- Colts D- Probably a reach. Didn't do too much for me, other than not suck. C 10- Titans D- Wow, this unit definitely didn't live up to their press. I dropped them as soon as I could after New England lit them up for 59 points. D- 11- Owen Daniels, TE- Another player that I reflect on more fondly than he probably deserves, due to some clutch performances during my win streak. Nonetheless, he was very good at times, and his season ending injury spelled the downfall of my production at the TE position. B 12- Kerry Collins, QB- Surprisingly he was able to be productive in the couple games I put him in while McNabb was out. Fortunately, I didn't have to play him when he put up -4 points against New England. D+ 13- Chris Cooley, TE- Another casualty of being on my roster. He had some nice numbers, and I'll remember him mostly for being on the bench and outscoring Daniels early in the season. C 14- Michael Crabtree, WR- Never set foot on the field for the Snow Flurries. F. 15- Adam Vinateri, K- Had some decent games before getting hurt. He's a kicker, so I don't really know what to say. C 16- Michael Jenkins, WR- I'm not sure I ever put him. F 17- Justin Fargas, RB- Definitely never put him in. F
Now, obviously no one ever goes through a whole fantasy football season with just their draft roster- you have trades, waiver pickups, and free agents. Fortunately for you, I went through and figured out all of my transactions- for your viewing pleasure! Also, I added some comments. Because you should know what I'm thinking. I guess that's why you're reading this blog, right?
Sept 16- Added Nick Folk, K- Decent, until he started missing field goals like they were going out of style. Sept 22- Dropped Crabtree and Fargas- Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Sept 23- Added Steve Smith, WR- Definitely my top pickup of the season, and I really really wish Eli Manning wouldn't have gotten hurt early in the season- Smith could have been even more of a point producer for me. Oct 13- Dad loaned me Nate Kaeding, K- Kaeding helped me win a game the week I had him, and I picked him up for the playoffs because I couldn't trust Nick Folk. Oct 20- Dropped Owens and Titans D- Good riddance to bad rubbish. Oct 20- Traded Grant for Jets D, Santana Moss, WR- Actually wish I wouldn't have made this trade, for a couple reasons. First of all, RBs started to drop like flies for me, and I could have used a decent starting RB to fill in the gap. Second of all, Grant scored 21 points during the playoff game. Right now I'm trailing by about 20 points. Finally, the Jets D and Santana Moss really didn't do much for me in terms of production. Oct 21- Added Broncos D- A couple big weeks. Glad I added these guys. Oct 21- Added Torry Holt, WR- Again, if there was any way I could go back in time and take my WR corps, I would be the king of the league. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to pick up the 2005 Torry Holt. I picked up the 2009 Torry Holt. More on that later. Oct 21- Dropped Collins- I got what I needed out of him before the Titans yanked him. Oct 28- Added Tony Scheffler, TE and Ryan Fitzpatrick, QB- Why? Oct 28- Dropped Ginn- Finally. Oct 28- Added Mark Clayton, WR- At this point, I must have been just reaching. Maybe Vince Papale wasn't available? Oct 28- Dropped Jenkins- Added precisely nothing to my team. Nov 3- Dropped Vinateri- Out for the season at this point. Nov 3- Dropped Fitzpatrick, Clayton- Thanks for playing guys. NOT. Nov 4- Added Trent Edwards, QB, Jermichael Finley, TE, and John Carlson, TE- Yes, at this point I was hurting for a 3rd QB and any TE. Nov 10- Dropped Daniels- With a tear...so devastating to my team. Nov 11- Dropped Scheffler- Another 'why did I add this guy?' guy. Nov 11- Added Brandon Pettigrew, TE- The search for the perfect replacement TE continues. You know it's bad when you're looking to the Detroit Lions for salvation. Nov 11- Added Ladell Betts, RB- Could have been a great pick up, if he hadn't gotten hurt. With a season ending injury. I'm sensing a pattern here. Nov 11- Dropped Holt- I think I played him once...and vowed to never do so ever again. Nov 13- Added Roy Williams, WR- You know it's bad when you're looking to former Detroit Lions for salvation. Dec 1- Dropped Pettigrew, Betts, and Cooley- All 3- season ending injuries. Maybe I should rename my team to the North Michigan Season-ending Injuries. Dec 1- Traded Moss for Miles Austin, WR, Calvin Johnson, WR, Greg Olsen, TE, and Justin Forsett, RB- I had to take this trade after all my RBs died. I was offered this trade a couple weeks prior, except insert Jamaal Charles for Justin Forsett. In my pride, I turned it down- and I wish I wouldn't have. Charles has had a pretty good stretch as the man in KC, while Forsett is locked in a time-share with a running back that he is clearly better than. Regardless, I still wish I could have kept Moss. Dec 8- Added Nate Kaeding, K- Hopefully some of that Kaeding magic will rub off on my playoff run.
Well, you've managed to make it through the transactions- this is how my team got to where it is now. Next time, I'll walk through the first half of my season.
