Oh look. Another blog about stuff. Wonderful.

Monday, March 23, 2009

(smacks forehead, says 'D'oh' out loud)

It isn't often that we can see outside ourselves in the middle of the storm and know what is going on. So I am writing this down now, so that I don't forget. So that the torrential rains do not sweep me away, so that I don't get struck by lightning. And really, it's freaking brilliant. When you can see behind the curtain, see the wizard pulling the strings...you see just how easy it all is. I can't believe I didn't see it sooner.

As most of you know, I've been struggling lately..and I don't think it's going to stop soon. That's not the reason I'm writing this. I'm writing this because I know why I'm going through this.

Towards the beginning of the year, I posted a Facebook status- something to the effect of 'in 2009 the God of Hope will be revealed'. If you aren't on Facebook, you didn't know this. If you are on Facebook, there is a good chance you missed this. I am to statuses as Donald Trump is to wives...they please me for a short time, and then I discard and move on. Nothing personal, it's just how I roll.

I wrote this because 2008 was just a bad year. I already posted on this in my New Years Revolutions post (I can't figure out how to link to it, which is a shame, because it was a sweet post), but suffice it to say that if I had to pick one year of my life where I could have conceivably seen the end of the world in sight- 2008 would have been that year. But 2k9 was going to be different, and I even felt that God was going to bring hope in 2009. I prayed for it, felt it, and declared it.

So 2009 goes on, and things are going well...and then they start to fall apart. Well, not fall apart. That's too strong. But it seems that they are falling apart. It is as though I am being disassembled from the inside, and it goes on until I reach a point where I am not sure who I am anymore. I feel no confidence, I find that I want to retreat inside of myself. This semester is the first time I can ever remember identifying with the one-talent man.

(The above is a very brief overview of my struggles...kind of like a cliff notes version)

So anyhow, it's been a rollercoaster, and I'm struggling, then I am swimming, followed by drowning, then it's air, then the air is a free fall- I mean WTF!!!!! The God of Hope? In this?

And then it hits me- this is absolutely the God of Hope revealed. Because I am beginning to see now that there is a breaking process going on, an extreme shaping. God is taking everything that I am, everything that I have been, all the things that I have relied upon- and He is wrecking them. He is taking them from me and shattering them upon rocks.

And when the scene ends, and the curtain rises, there won't be a Kansas man in a mid-life crisis, or Warrick Davis on LSD- it will be exactly what I prayed for, exactly what I proclaimed- the God of Hope, revealed.

Right now, I can't see that clearly. Because I put my hope in things...I put my hope in my intellect. But that is being torn asunder- I'm not the smartest person, and I sure as heck don't have all the answers. I put my hope in my sense of humor- but it's hard to laugh when you just want to cry. I put my hope in my education, and my academic achievements- but then why would I want to do that when I'm questioning whether or not I even want to pursue this field I'm in? I put my hope in music- while my band struggles to find time to practice or even find a gig.

So what is left when all you have is shaken to the ground, when your house of sand blows away in the wind? What is left of me, as a man, as a human being?

Now I see. It's so simple as to be brilliant. This is how the God of Hope will be revealed in me. By forcing me to hope. By forcing me to hope in something outside of my own. Because it isn't hope if I have it. It isn't hope if I produce it.

So you'll still have to ask about me. You'll still have to pray. You might even be concerned. But just remember this day, remember the day when I told you all what was going to happen. I don't want you to be surprised when it happens.

The God of Hope will be revealed in 2009.

Friday, March 20, 2009

If I could see me now...

You know what? Life is hard. Life is hard, it's confusing...at various times it makes you think that it is not worth itself. This year has been, without a doubt, one of the most difficult of my life. It's nothing external, it's nothing physical- I'm in decent health, and all of my needs have been met, as well as several of my wants.

It's been all internal struggles. My whole being, my worldview, my self-confidence have been thrown into the wind. I've been turned upside down, inside out...part of the reason I haven't been blogging much lately (mostly due to busyness) is that I just haven't been sure what to say- I haven't felt like I had any valuable contributions to make. Some of you might then say 'well then why did you write so much before?'...to which I reply 'Thanks a bunch. Your grasp of sympathy warms my heart'.

So anyhow...I'll delve into this more later. This is really just a post to serve as a reminder to myself, a reaffirmer of why I believe in a God who loves me.

Today has been a pretty downer day. I won't bore you with specifics...suffice it to say that I was just mostly overwhelmed with a chance of hopelessness, high in the upper Really Sad. That's been my life lately, I've felt very alone and isolated within myself. Again...more on this later.

So when Sara got home from taking Delaney to the library, I split. I needed some me-time (which has been in short supply), and what better chance than to go get TP, napkins, conditioner, and peanut butter M&M's? So I left.

I went to Wal-mart (say what you will about this social parasite, their prices are the cheapest! And they have smileyface stickers!)...except that it was packed- I swear that every parking spot was filled up. Is there some sort of holiday coming up that I'm not aware of? Wait a second...when is Easter? Is Easer this Sunday? (glances at the calander). No. What the hell?

So anyhow, I decide that I am definitely not in a mood to battle this sort of traffic- vehicular or personal. So I go to Target. It's across the road, and Sara used to work there, so there is some sort of connection. A 'bond' if you will. So I go in...get my stuff...

So I'm ready to check out, I go to the check-out...there are a few lanes open. One of them has a guy cashier, it's the closest, and I would be immediately served next. Except I prefer female cashiers...I mean, come on guys, we all really just want cute babes to check us out, right? (glances nervously at Sara, debates leaving this part out). Seriously though, I think that there is this part of me that for some reason prefers to interact with female cashiers more than male ones. Maybe it was that time when I got beat up by a male cashier, I don't know.

So in my head, I do really quick problem solving, deciding to go against every fiber in my being and go to challenge the Alpha cashier. Lo and behold, I see a guy there that I used to work with, whom I haven't seen in eons! It was such a cool little kiss from heaven, you know? Like, I've had this crappy day, a difficult semester, and just out of the blue, I see a friend that I have not seen in a while.

So we chatted for a few minutes, got caught up, and I returned home, ate some peanut butter M&M's, and started writing this post.

The premise is simple- I just want myself, and all 7 of you that actually read this blog to realize that, whatever your belief, that there are forces at work in the world that are outside of our control. I just don't think you can deny that. Once you come to grips with that, then you can wrestle with the implications of it on your own. But I find hope where hope cannot be found because I am putting my faith in a God that shows me He loves me through a very simple yet very profound act of a chance meeting in Target.

Blessings

Sunday, March 15, 2009

The Farce is with you

Okay, okay...I must apologize in advance. It's been far too long. Not that I haven't had thoughts- thoughts have been coming in waves lately, but unfortunately, time has not. Our lives are as busy now as they ever have been. And I want to sort them out, to share them with you all, and hopefully implant some seeds of thought that help us all make better people. But until then, I am going to be rehashing old Facebook notes. Yes, I do Facebook notes. I'm a loser. If you didn't know that by now, you haven't been paying attention.

I could take the time that I use to do Facebook notes and do blog posts I suppose...but even though they might take equal amounts of time, they definitely don't take equal amounts of thought. I've never been big on posting short, meaningless blurbs for the sake of posting them. Some might argue that some of my posts have been meaningless, but they have been long. I put thought into these people! Facebook notes require very little thought. Ergo, I can do them and exert less effort. My energy is limited. I'm running on fumes (I think).

These Facebook notes are a little different though. They're about a guy you should all know well, unless you have completely cut yourselves off from pop culture...Darth Vader. Backstory- a few years ago, they came out with those Darth Vader helmets for Star Wars III. I bought one, because I am a nerd. So I thought it would be funny to take pictures wearing the helmet doing normal, everyday things. It kind of led to this alter-persona for Darth...kicking back with the name 'Dan'.

So these notes are from this perspective. By the way, I am constantly thinking of new picture ideas. Feel free to send me some- if it isn't illegal or immoral, there is a pretty good chance that I'll try it!

Who:
-Who are you? Darth Vader, although I like to be called Dan as well.
-Who are your parents? Shmi and the Force
-Who do you admire? It used to be Obi-Wan but then he tried to kill me. So I'd have to say Emperor Palpatine.
-Who do you hate? Obi-Wan. And the whole rebellion. I mean, seriously. What do you guys think you're going to accomplish?
-Who taught you how to ride a pod-racer? Sebulba.
-Who taught you how to read? What is this...reading?
-Who was the last person you called on the phone? I had to call All-tel about a problem with my service.
-Who would you switch lives with, given the choice? Probably Chewbacca. I mean, just to be able to run around all hairy and naked all the time...that would be so great.
-Who makes you smile the most? I never smile.
-Who makes you cry the most? Probably Padame' or my mom. But I don't cry anymore.
-Who do you want to talk to right now? I'd like to talk to old man Kenobi and give him the what-for.
-Who would you take a bullet for?- I'm legally obligated to say Emperor Palpatine. And also Luke. Well, I don't know if I'd take a bullet for him. Maybe some Force Lightning though.
-Who would take a bullet for you? Several storm troopers, although I'm pretty adept at deflecting bullets with my sweet light sabre.

What:
-What color is your room? I think it's red, but I'm not really sure.
-What movie could you watch over and over? I actually really enjoyed 'Walk to Remember' and most of the Police Academy movies.
-What do you smell like? Evil. And Frosted Mini-wheats. Don't ask.
-What are you wearing today? My helmet/mask combo, a cape, and a black costume...basically the same thing I always wear.
-What will you be doing at this time tomorrow? Tomorrow is my day off, but I'll probably be called in to put down a rebel insurrection. Otherwise I'll probably go to the mall or whatevs.
-What are you going to do with your life? Well, this whole second-hand-man-to-the-most-powerful-being-in-the-galaxy thing is working out pretty well. But I'd also like to give telemarketing a shot.
-What animal would you be, given the choice? Probably a Rankor. Those things are B.A.
-What positive things do others see in you? Most likely my skills with a light sabre, and the fact that I can talk and breathe at the same time.
-What do you look for most in the opposite sex? She has to be older than me, a member of the Senate...preferrably she served as Queen of a planet. Long brown hair. It'd be nice if her name rhymed with Adam-A.
-What makes you happy? ?????
-What brings you tears? Actually if I cry, it shorts out the helmet...it's kind of a big pain. So I don't cry.
-What song do you have stuck in your head? 'Everybody wants to rule the world' by Tears for Fears. It's kind of my theme song right now.
-What do you normally dream about? People close to me dying horribly tragic deaths.
-What do you believe in? The dark side. I also believe that there will be another Star Wars trilogy.
-What are you most afraid of? I'm afraid of my fear leading to anger, followed by that leading to hate, and then in turn my hate leading to suffering. Right now I'm kind of stuck on hate. I've been stuck on hate for about 3 movies or so.
-What do you see if you look to your left? Just between us, I can't really turn my head, and my peripheral vision pretty much sucks. So nothing.
-What is one decision you’ve made that you don’t regret for a second? When I put that one guy who was mouthing off about the Force in a Force choke hold. I wish the Admiral would have let me finish him off.

Where:
-Where do you live? The Death Star.
-Where were you born? Tatooine.
-Where do/did you go to school? The Jedi Academy.
-Where do you feel the most safe? With my light sabre. And a battallion of storm troopers.
-Where do you go most often to shop? American Eagle or the Gap.
-Where would you be right now, given the choice of anywhere in the world? Whatever that fluorescent flower world was in Episode III.
-Where does “everyone know your name”? A small bar in Boston...well, actually, pretty much everywhere. I mean, if you haven't heard of Darth Vader, where have you been?
-Where do you see yourself in 15 years? Probably reconcilled to humanity and hanging out with Obi-Wan and Yoda on the other side of the Force.
-Where are you going when you die? See above.
-Where are you afraid to go alone? Any planet that is primarily made up of liquid hot magma.
-Where does the does the sun always shine? I don't know, but Tatooine has 2 suns. That's pretty sweet.

Why:
-Why were you put on this earth? Originally to bring balance to the force. Whatever that means. -Why are you living where you are? Because Emperor Palpatine rigged up this sweet bio-computer and saved my life. Someday I'd like to find a way to prevent death. But I'm not sure that's going to happen. I'm pretty sure I was hoodwinked.
-Why is the sky blue? Not all skies are blue. This line of questioning is narrow minded and discriminatory.
-Why are you taking this survey? Because there are just some questions that need answering.

When:
-When in the day do you start school/work? I'm just pretty much always at work...sometimes they put me on call.
-When were you born? Sometime before Episode I.
-When did you last shower? Um, I'm pretty sure I've never showered.
-When was the last time you sang? I sang along with American Idol last night. I mean, come on. It was Michael Jackson week.
-When was the last time you danced? See above.
-When did you last see the person you love the most? Episode III.
-When do you want to get married? I'm still technically married I guess.

How:-How tall are you? When Obi-Wan cut my legs off, I was probably about 4'3" or so. Now I stand a good 6'3"
-How are you feeling today? Somewhere between angry and hateful...but not suffering yet. Dang it!-How many siblings do you have? None.
-How many pets do you have? None.
-How long is your hair? My scalp was basically seared to the point where I can no longer grow hair.
-How much older are you compared to your friends? Hmmmm...'friends'...interesting.
-How do you release stress? Blowing up star systems in the Death Star. Or I sometimes like to kick back and play Mario Party.
-How well do you understand Spanish? I have a droid for that.
-How many people can you truly count on in your life? Myself. And my storm troopers. Say what you will about clones, but having an army who blindly follow your every whim is pretty much awesome!

And this is a note about the love in Mr. Vader's life

♥ What are your middle names? A long, long time ago they didn't give us middle names. So thanks George.
♥ How long did you know each other before you started dating? About 10 years...although I knew I loved her when I was 8.
♥ Who asked who out? I sorta 'persuaded' her using the Jedi mind trick.
♥ Who' s siblings do you see the most? I was sort of immaculately conceived...just thought I'd throw that out there.
♥ Do you have any children together? Two, Luke and Leia. I'm sorta pissed that she didn't tell me about them and actually hid them from me for most of their lives.
♥ Did you go to the same school? No, I went to Jedi Academy...I'm not really sure where she went to school. She was a queen at a pretty young age. So probably Royalty U or something like that.
♥ Who is the most sensitive? I get angry really easily...which is probably why I turned to the dark side.
♥ Where do you eat out most as a couple? Have you looked at my face? I can't exactly eat with this mask on. And I get really upset watching her eat. I mean, all I want is to be able to have a freakin' cheeseburger!
♥ Where is the furthest you two have traveled together as a couple? I'd say Geonosis, when we got captured and almost died.
♥ Who has the craziest exes? We were each others first loves...except she loved government. So I'd say her.
♥ Who cooks more? Hrmmmm...don't go there.
♥ Who is more social? You might be surprised, but people are generally intimidated by me. So I don't get out much.
♥ Who is the neat freak? Probably me. She grew up in a palace, and had everyone do everything for her. I grew up on Tatoooine, which is like the Dust Bowl. Never again, I swore as we flew off while Qui-gon Jinn fought Darth Maul.
♥ Who is the most stubborn? When you are able to control people's minds with the Force, you tend to get pretty stubborn.
♥ Who hogs the bed? It's hard NOT to hog the bed when you live inside of a bio-computer.
♥ Who wakes up earlier? I never sleep. I tried to once, but it was awfully uncomfortable, and besides my helmet came off and I almost died.
♥ Where was your first date? I say it was when we frolicked in the field, but she says it's when we fought in the Clone wars.
♥ Who has the bigger family? Well, when I was a Jedi it was definitely me. But there are lots less Sith, so I'd say her.
♥ Do you get flowers often? Not since she lost the will to live and died because of my insensitivity. Plus, I don't really like flowers.
♥ How long did it take to get serious? About 2 movies or so.
♥ Who eats more? ALRIGHT, THAT'S IT!!! ONE MORE EATING QUESTION AND SOMEBODY IS GOING TO GET SLICED IN HALF BY MY LIGHT SABRE!!!
♥ Who sings better? I have a nice bass voice, but she sings very well too.
♥ Who does the laundry? Definitely her. I always wear the same thing.
♥ Who’s better with the computer? Are you kidding? I'm half computer.
♥ Who drives when you are together? We both have chauffers.
♥ Who picks where you go to dinner? (light sabre sound)...somebody just got it. Hope you're happy.
♥ Who is the first one to admit when they’re wrong? I'm. Never. Wrong.
♥ Who wears the pants in the relationship? I'm not really sure what you'd call what she wears. I definitely wear something that looks like pants, so I'd say me.
♥ Who has more tattoos? Unfortunately, I was almost burned to death before I was able to really get into tattoos. Although, when I was a paduan, I had a really cool pony tail.
♥ Who cries more? After my mom was killed by sand people, I stopped crying.