Forget everything I've ever said might be the toughest thing about parenting. There's a new sheriff in town- and it is Kindergarten friendships.
As I write this, I'm struck by several conflicting emotions, all working together to paint this tapestry that we call parenthood. I feel alone- like all of my struggles are occurring uniquely in my own private corner of the world. I feel relief (mixed with horror) that my struggles are probably universal. I feel hope that regardless of the struggles, there will come a day when I look back on these years and wonder- how the hell did we survive? And I feel worry that my biggest flaws will swallow up my children's biggest strengths, turning them into little imperfect clones who can laugh and giggle with the best of them but struggle to have authentic human relationships.
Let me explain.
A few months ago, Delaney met her first Kindergarten friend, a little girl named (for the purposes of confidentiality) Anna. I remember the time we bumped into her family at Wal-Mart, shortly after school had started. It was quite wonderful- standing there chit-chatting with her mother (who is very nice and fortunately seems normal), watching our daughters smile shyly and giggle nervously. How precious to see those genesis moments of friendship- two precious little girls, not really knowing what to do or what to say, just knowing that there was something inside that lit up a little bit when the other was around.
It's not that Delaney was friendless before (please- she has tons of friends. Just like her dad)- but Anna is the first girl that Delaney has befriended outside of our circle of influence. We've known all of her other friends, either through relatives or living arrangements. Anna is the first fruits of us letting our daughter swim out into the ocean on her own. She is the symbol of our faith in society.
Over the first couple of months, it was a darling little friendship to see in action. When we dropped Delaney off at school, she'd often stand next to Anna and her family while we waited for the doors to open. Delaney doesn't talk about school often (which could probably be another blog post altogether), but she does like to talk about Anna and the fun they have out at the tires at recess. So why the blog post?
Unfortunately, not all is okay at the O.K. Corral. I can't say definitively what the deal is and I'm no Batman- but something is up. When I dropped Delaney off at school on Friday, Anna was standing there with another girl, smiling and holding her hand. Hey. Hey you- what do you think you're doing? Delaney stood over by them, but she might as well have been the chair the little brown haired chubby kid was sitting on.
Then, while the kids were putting the red folders into the box and their coats in their cubbies Anna and mystery girl (after sharing a joyful embrace) ran over to do puzzle together. I gave Delaney a hug and kiss goodbye and watched her go over and sit behind the girls as they worked on a puzzle. I had to leave before seeing how things progressed from there (I don't really relish the idea of getting dragged out of the school with a police escort), but in that moment I forgot all about school as a learning institution and saw it instead as a social one. Did I just witness the beginning of the end of her first friendship?
Long term, I am not worried. I know that many people come and go, and that people change and grow and it's not a guarantee that your best friend in Kindergarten will be your best friend later in life (or even in elementary school). I've managed to keep a solid friendship with my Kindergarten BFF (I even stood up in his wedding last year), but middle school claimed an elementary friendship of my youngest sister. And we're both fine....I think.
Besides, it's not like the friendship is necessarily over (and believe me, that's all that was on my mind Friday and was the first thing I asked her when she got home). I'm very aware of my propensity to overreact. It's just that I know how innocent Delaney is- and how sensitive. I'm worried that she'll misread something and push Anna away. I wonder about Anna just wanting other friends but not knowing how to communicate it and pushing Delaney away.
There's a whole lot of control struggle going on here, believe me. It's so tough just letting her go to school and put herself and her feelings out there and knowing what will (someday, somehow) eventually happen. It's the hope that I've prepared her enough and the worry that I haven't.
The trials of these early years feel so much like a referendum on my parenting. Like every bad day and every tear is the product of my deficiency, or something. Insecure much? Well yes, to be frankly honest.
It doesn't help that I feel like we're outsiders. Because of our work schedules and school schedules and our own personalities, we're just not huge social butterflies. It's tough to see so many of the other parents who all seem to know each other, with some sort of history. And they all seem like they're in such stable places in their lives. Meanwhile we're hopping around from transition to transition. Factor in that I'm really not a person who does well with entering into meaningful relationships, and we could be talking about the Hindenberg of parenting, folks.
The toughest part of parenting is the worry that my failings will become my daughters failings, and that all of her wonder, her joy, her imagination, her sense of humor will get lost in translation. My biggest fear is that her immeasurable gifts and talents will be dimmed by the tarnish of my mistakes. I worry that she will be like me, someone friendly- but not necessarily a good friend.
I know tough times are ahead- I just hope that this storm will be a minor one to weather. It will be- it will be. I know the wonder that my daughter is. Besides- how good is this other girl at playing on the tires, anyways?
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Thursday, October 27, 2011
9 vs 0 yardage analysis for Fantasy Football update (hint: It's more of a not-update)
Hello cyberspace. I just wanted to drop a quick line to those who actually look forward to the things I promise and fail to deliver- I have not forgotten about my analysis of yardage gained ending in '9' versus '0' (for the purposes of Fantasy Football scoring and relief of agony). The last few weeks I've been working third shifts at work, which means I've been busier/more tired than I normally am. I could attempt to undertake some data gathering during my downtime at work, but I don't necessarily trust myself with numbers at 3:00 in the morning.
I should be back to my regular schedule in the next few weeks, so hopefully I can resume my highly important, groundbreaking study then and present to you my purely scientific findings. But for now, I'm going to go read some more articles on cracked.com.
I should be back to my regular schedule in the next few weeks, so hopefully I can resume my highly important, groundbreaking study then and present to you my purely scientific findings. But for now, I'm going to go read some more articles on cracked.com.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
I debate with myself- because I always lose
Recently I've begun to challenge myself to read things that are beyond my understanding from perspectives other than my own. And I'm not just talking about 'The Cat in the Hat', either.
In the midst of one particular academic foray, I stumbled upon an article in which Richard Dawkins lays out a reason for refusing to engage in debate with William Lane Craig. Heady stuff, to say the least. After my brain temporarily shut down because of intelligence overload, I figured I could use this as a good segue into my struggle right now in regards to understanding the Bible and its role in my life.
I'll write more about this in much more depth later on (after lots of reading and research). Suffice it to say that for a long time, I took the Bible as the true word of God because that's what I was told. I was told that the Bible said it was the true word of God, and so therefore it was- perfect and infallible.
Lately I've been trying to think about it more objectively. That is, if you look at it on an organic level, the Bible is a collection of history, legends, songs, and rules that were written by people thousands of years ago. It has an elevated place because we are told it is God's direct word to His people- but is it possible that it is nothing more than the ongoing journal of one group of people from the Bronze Age? Right now, I'm not sure either way. But I intend to find out.
That's all stuff for another day. Let me get to the point of this blog- which is about the idea of genocide, and whether God is for or against it. Actually, scratch that- I'll link you to William Lane Craig's response to a question about the genocide of the Canaanites, found in the Old Testament. I'll let you read it. Then I'll get to the point.
From the Christian perspective, I can see where you would say that God is the end-all-be-all, that He can do what He wants to whomever He wants. Otherwise, He's probably not a God worth serving. And I get it when Craig talks about us approaching this from a Western perspective. We tend to see the human race much differently (for the most part) than the Biblical writers did- and even though I think we are less xenophobic/ethnocentric than they were, I have to concede the fact that there is a bias in my viewpoint.
However, that still doesn't mean that there isn't some bias from the writers themselves. Winston Churchill said it best- "History will be kind to me, for I intend to write it". When you have power or obtain victory, you have the opportunity to spin the history however you want. You get to decide who the players are and who gets ignored. You can choose who plays the hero and who plays the villain. It usually isn't until much later when people can look back more objectively (as much as is possible, anyways) to smell the BS.
And if you demonize certain populations, then certain actions can be justified. Think about Hitler and his quest to exterminate the Jews. Think about African-Americans and slavery. Think about the Native Americans and Manifest Destiny. Think about the Catholic Church and the Inquisition. All of these events are simply appalling and horrific in our eyes today. At the time, though, they were "justified" because of certain beliefs about the victims. That's the power of labels.
I feel like I'm having a hard time connecting the dots here, but the main point is that the slaughter of the Canaanites is the same thing in my opinion. Historically, there is no reason to believe that this was a moral venture because it involves the demonization of a people (Canaanites) from the perspective of another group of people (Israelites) that were the more dominant military force.
So why would such an account have authority to make claims about the morality of genocide- it is already skewed to the perception of the author, right? Maybe Israel just wanted to take the land of Canaan, so they did- forcibly, under the banner of Yahweh and the cause of righteous judgment. We don't know, because we weren't there. All we can do is apply our own interpretation (which is skewed no matter how we try to approach it because of our own worldviews).
There's a lot more we could talk about on this issue- the idea of grace in Old Testament/New Testament theology, the effects of domestication and civilization over the years, the Monkeysphere, etc. And as I said before, the events could have happened as reported- God may have well wanted Israel to smote the Canaanites in retribution for their sins. But that doesn't mean we should just assume so because we are told to assume so. God gave us eyes to see. He gave us ears to hear. And He gave us brains to think about things critically. Well, that and the many other things that the brain does, which is pretty much everything.
 |
| Today's reading: Anthropomorphism, Trisyllabic Meter, and Dr. Seuss- Why Mike Myers Isn't All That Funny |
I'll write more about this in much more depth later on (after lots of reading and research). Suffice it to say that for a long time, I took the Bible as the true word of God because that's what I was told. I was told that the Bible said it was the true word of God, and so therefore it was- perfect and infallible.
Lately I've been trying to think about it more objectively. That is, if you look at it on an organic level, the Bible is a collection of history, legends, songs, and rules that were written by people thousands of years ago. It has an elevated place because we are told it is God's direct word to His people- but is it possible that it is nothing more than the ongoing journal of one group of people from the Bronze Age? Right now, I'm not sure either way. But I intend to find out.
That's all stuff for another day. Let me get to the point of this blog- which is about the idea of genocide, and whether God is for or against it. Actually, scratch that- I'll link you to William Lane Craig's response to a question about the genocide of the Canaanites, found in the Old Testament. I'll let you read it. Then I'll get to the point.
From the Christian perspective, I can see where you would say that God is the end-all-be-all, that He can do what He wants to whomever He wants. Otherwise, He's probably not a God worth serving. And I get it when Craig talks about us approaching this from a Western perspective. We tend to see the human race much differently (for the most part) than the Biblical writers did- and even though I think we are less xenophobic/ethnocentric than they were, I have to concede the fact that there is a bias in my viewpoint.
However, that still doesn't mean that there isn't some bias from the writers themselves. Winston Churchill said it best- "History will be kind to me, for I intend to write it". When you have power or obtain victory, you have the opportunity to spin the history however you want. You get to decide who the players are and who gets ignored. You can choose who plays the hero and who plays the villain. It usually isn't until much later when people can look back more objectively (as much as is possible, anyways) to smell the BS.
And if you demonize certain populations, then certain actions can be justified. Think about Hitler and his quest to exterminate the Jews. Think about African-Americans and slavery. Think about the Native Americans and Manifest Destiny. Think about the Catholic Church and the Inquisition. All of these events are simply appalling and horrific in our eyes today. At the time, though, they were "justified" because of certain beliefs about the victims. That's the power of labels.
I feel like I'm having a hard time connecting the dots here, but the main point is that the slaughter of the Canaanites is the same thing in my opinion. Historically, there is no reason to believe that this was a moral venture because it involves the demonization of a people (Canaanites) from the perspective of another group of people (Israelites) that were the more dominant military force.
So why would such an account have authority to make claims about the morality of genocide- it is already skewed to the perception of the author, right? Maybe Israel just wanted to take the land of Canaan, so they did- forcibly, under the banner of Yahweh and the cause of righteous judgment. We don't know, because we weren't there. All we can do is apply our own interpretation (which is skewed no matter how we try to approach it because of our own worldviews).
There's a lot more we could talk about on this issue- the idea of grace in Old Testament/New Testament theology, the effects of domestication and civilization over the years, the Monkeysphere, etc. And as I said before, the events could have happened as reported- God may have well wanted Israel to smote the Canaanites in retribution for their sins. But that doesn't mean we should just assume so because we are told to assume so. God gave us eyes to see. He gave us ears to hear. And He gave us brains to think about things critically. Well, that and the many other things that the brain does, which is pretty much everything.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
2011 NORTH Michigan Snow Flurries- Weeks 1-7 (The Snow Job)
A couple weeks ago, I was talking with my cousin Chris. It was on a Monday night- the Monday night when the Lions whupped the Bears on Monday Night Football. I suppose it was the first time the Lions had been on Monday Night football since the Mesozoic era. Anyways, during our conversation Fantasy Football came up. It's pretty rare for me to talk about football and somehow not relate it back to Fantasy Football. Sort of like how I can't talk about anything without relating it back to Fantasy Football.
I told him about my dilemma about having Matt Forte of the Bears on my team. I was losing my game, and I needed Forte to get a bunch of yards and/or touchdowns- just not at the expense of a Lions win. Chris explained that these types of scenarios were the reason he quit Fantasy Football. An intelligent viewpoint, by the way. I told him that I wished I wasn't like this, but that I just can't help myself. Rationally, I can't think of a reason to stay. Emotionally, I can't leave.
The amalgamation, of course, is what keeps me coming back. That unadulterated combination of emotion and logic sets all of the gears in my brain on fire at once, and it takes me to places in my creative soul that I could never find on my own. If there was something else that could do for me what Fantasy Football does then surely I would switch. But for right now, this is where it is at- a place I like to call 'Living'.
In case you're wondering what the hang is going on, I'm giving you a review of the first half of my Fantasy Football season. Completely absurd, by the way. But if you've been around these parts before, you know that ridiculousness is my modus operandi.
I thought about waiting until the season was over, but I decided against it. For one thing, it is therapeutic for me to write while in-season. It releases all of the shennanigans and ridiculousness and overreactions into cyberspace, and gets me on a nice-even keel. Just in time for the playoffs, when my idiocy amps it up to 11. Additionally, my team is 6-1. This is the best record I've ever had, and since I am completely an utterly hopelessly cynical about the nature of Fantasy Football, I believe this is probably the best it will ever be.
So with that inspiring intro, I present to you the first half of the NORTH Michigan Snow Flurries 2011 season.
Week 1- After what happened last year, my only hope was to make it through my matchup against expansion franchise Team Knights with zero injuries. Well I did that-and a little more, as my team comes out with guns blazing in a 162-133 victory and the Snow Flurries first-ever 1-0 start.
What went right- Tom Brady, where have you been all my life? After having a revolving door at quarterback the last couple years, I finally have a guy that I can just plug in weekly and assume that 20+ points are in the bag. This week Brady went off for 44- a Snow Flurries record and my first 40+ point game ever. (Holding back the tears) I feel so proud- it's as I had a son, and my son was an NFL QB and he threw for 517 yards and 4 TD on Monday Night Football. I love you son!
But les Averses de Neige are not a one-man band. My starting backfield (Darren McFadden, Matt Forte, Beanie Wells) combined for 53 points. The Ravens 'D' (29 points) justified my blind faith in them. Except for Mario Manningham, all my guys score doubled digits. I also benefited from my opponents misplay, as the Knights left 2 guys on the bench with 25+ points each.
What went wrong- When you win by almost 30, you really didn't do anything wrong except think that you did. It took approximately one half of football on a Thursday for me to start kicking myself over points (Jordy Nelson's 13) left on the bench. Understand- there's no logical reason why I would have started Nelson over Manningham and Tampa Bay Mike Williams. They're all good receivers. But the fact that Nelson scored more points than either of them means that I spent most of Friday and a good part of Saturday kicking myself over a "misplay" that wasn't even a misplay. How pathetic is that? PLEASE DO NOT ANSWER
Bonehead move- Playing in a second league. I now realize that my emotions (which are already tattered, frail messes on Sundays) will constantly be battered and torn apart even more, because it is now possible that I will be facing off against players that I own in an alternate universe. Let me break it down.
After the 1:00 round of games, I was trailing 100-78, but I was feeling pretty good about my chances. I still had four players to go (Brady, McFadden, Wells, and Manningham), and my opponent only had Steve Smith I. Smith was playing in his first game since retiring in 2008, so I...oh. He didn't retire. What happened then? Did he fall off the face of the world? Because I don't remember him playing the last couple of seasons. Are you sure he didn't die?
Of course I will remember him now because of his career resurrection in which he torched me for 33 points that he also scored for me. Head...spinning...grey...hair...starting...
Week 2- The Snow Flurries have their first chance ever to go 2-0, which is a lot like 1-0 except it's twice as good. I spent all week getting ready for Team Fergy, a constant thorn in my side, only to find out there was a scheduling screw-up and my opponent was changed to the Castrated Bulls (formerly the Bullies). If Fergy is the thorn in my side, then the Bulls are like a giant flaming ACME safe and I am Wile Coyote. Despite the short notice, my team adapts quickly and walks away with a 140-121 victory.
What went right- Brady fell back to Earth this week, scoring "only" 36 points. My draft "strategy" (it should be noted that the use of "my" and "strategy" in the same sentence is something of a misnomer) of drafting versatile RBs pays off as neither Forte or McFadden rush for over 100 yards and yet both have over 15 poitns. 7 of my 9 players end up in double digits, including Nelson, who scored all 14 of his points on one play late in the 4th quarter of his real game.
What went wrong- Rob Gronkowski's 20 points would have looked heckabetter in my lineup than on my bench. And Mike Williams had 0 points. A goose egg. Mike, how are you going to come into my house, eat my food, sleep on my couch, and disrespect me like that. You know what dawg- I ain't even mad at you. We're 2-0, baby! Last year....well, last year, I'd have been figuring out a way to arrange a short walk on a long cliff for Tampa Mike.
Um, no- obviously he'd die! Duh!
Bonehead move- Pfftt. Please. We're 2-0. I have the top scoring team in the league at this point. My roster practically sets itself. There is no bonehead moving this squad- you'd have to have a football pedigree of like, Matt Millen or something. STOP- don't you dare say anything.
Week 3- A killer early season matchup against the two time defending champs and my team is dinged up. I'm a little worried about the toughness of my team. This is our Super Bowl- and you guys want a week off? I had a guy come back from the dead last year- I don't want to hear about your wussy injuries. Hamstring? Please. What are you, pig shoes? Concussion? You can't just make up fancy words and pass them off as legitimate injuries. ARRGGH- youngsters these days. Oh well- despite not being at full strength, my team is still strong enough to shock the champs 145-86.
What went right- Brady, McFadden, and Raven's D outscore Disco's entire team. Even with his top scorers at each position, I would have still won the game. Graham overcomes a 0-point first half to finish with 17, and Neil Rackers bangs home 15 big ones at the K spot. Discos' big guns (Phillip Rivers and Chris Johnson) combine for 13 points.
What went wrong- My WRs only have 8 points. I leave points on the bench at RB because Beanie Wells is toowimpy hurt to play and literally everyone on my bench who played in a game outscored my Waiver-wire handcuff, Chester Taylor. And while that move (and the 23 Gronkowski point game) obviously would not have come close to costing me the game, the fact is that we are trying to change a losing culture here. 2nd place isn't good enough. Winning isn't good enough. Winning by almost 60 isn't good enough. NOTHING IS GOOD ENOUGH!!!!
Bonehead move- Picking up Taylor in the first place. To think I wasted a transaction on a guy who scored 3 points for me in a 59 point win. Unbelieveable. And it's not like I didn't have other running backs- Michael Bush and Brandon Jacobs, each put up a double-digit on my bench. Oh well. No time to savor this win, only to beat ourselves up over the things we sucked at and try to get better just enough for next week so that we can still beat ourselves up afterwards about how we need to get keep getting better.
Week 4- After a huge win, the Snow Flurries had to travel to Team Moose (his team's real name is some sort of leet speak, which I refuse to acknowledge) to take on the leader of the other division. I was worried going in- sure, my team was the highest scoring team 2 out of the 3 weeks, but Moose was high scorer the other week. Nevertheless, I knew this was a chance to flex my muscles against a good squad, and flex my muscles I did with a resounding 144-88 win.
What went right- Wells was again questionable most of the week, but was able to get well enough to rack up 32 points. Forte added 30 and McFadden 11. It's hard to lose a game when your starting RBs contribute 73 points. The Raven Defense also went ape, racking up 37 points.
What went wrong- Despite Graham being nothing but awesome for me all season and having a favorable matchup against the Jaguars, I subbed Gronkowski. At the time, Gronkowski had been almost matching Calvin Johnson's prolific TD stretch, and with Brady on my team, I figured I could use the Teammate Connection extra points. Of course Gronkowski scored 1 point while Graham scored 20. I hope Jimmy didn't take the demotion personally. Manningham also scored 1 point, while Nelson and his 15 languished on the bench.
Bonehead play- If I would have played Graham or Nelson, I could have had the high score in our league. I won handily, so I can't complain too much. It just would have netted me an extra $1.
Week 5- We must protect this house!!! After spending much of my first two years of Fantasy Football with sub-.500 records, the weight of a possible 5-0 start has literally whipped me into a blood lust frenzy. I'm doing 9-0 yard analysis, researching waiver-wire players, evaluating future matchups, and sacrificing squirrels to the football gods. Actually, that last one isn't true. It was chipmunks. KIDDING. So an intra-divisional matchup against Team Dennis awaits my team in Week 5. This is a trap game if there ever was one. Team Dennis is tied for second place, just sort of lurking back there, while my team is coming off of 3 high-profile matchups in a row (with a grudge match against Fergy lurking in Week 6). Add in the fact that bye weeks are coming up and these slackers are eyeing their paid vacations...there's a big chance that my team could fall flat on its face. And right on cue, the Snow Flurries fall way behind early, then again late, and need almost every second of football to pull out a 90-79 win over Dennis.
What went right- It's easy to keep your chin up and play hard when you're winning easily. Much less easy to keep plugging away when things aren't going your way. My guys could have just thrown in the towel, accepted a divisional lead tie, and got ready for next week. The fact that they battled back in an ugly, rock-em/sock-em type affair tells me a lot about the character of my team. It doesn't hurt that I got 16 points from bye-week starter Giants D (who I picked up earlier in the week), 13 points from Graham (whew! He doesn't hate me), and 15 clutch MNF points from Forte.
What went wrong- Williams volunatrily signs up for purgatory by scoring 0 points. McFadden struggles to put up 6 points, and Brady's off game of 17 fails to keep pace with Brees' 25. Kendall Hunter, a bye-week fill-in who literally signed with Team Dennis on Sunday morning, scores 6 points in the late games to give Dennis a 5 point lead with only two games to go. Trying to keep myself from going crazy, I tell myself that this is a manhood test, and if I can't have two players score 6 points then I don't deserve to win. Then Nelson racks up 1 whole point, with Forte still to play against an inspired and tenacious Lions defense. Fortunately Forte scored enough for the victory, but I shouldn't have had to win like that. Partly because it's just not fair, and mostly because I left 21 points from Victor Cruz on the bench.
Bonehead move- I don't qualify sitting Cruz over Nelson and Williamsas a bonehead move- I don't. Even though I've butted heads with the Experts in the past, I agreed with the assessment that time was needed to properly evaluate the roles of Manningham and Cruz. Now it is clear that Cruz is a player to watch, and Manningham can still be solid. But I didn't want to chance it at the expense of Nelson (who has always been solid) and Williams (who I just wish didn't suck so bad).
Week 6- Ah Fergy, my nemesis. Other teams have beat me, but no one has beat me the way Fergy has. Including the consolation game last year, I went 0-3 versus Fergy in 2010 (1-4 lifetime). Two of my most devastating defeats have come at his hands. Fergy entered this game as the second hottest team in the league (3 game win streak) and second high scorer. So believe me, he had my full attention. And after losing our first game of the season, a 108-96 decision, he has even more of my full attention.
What went right- Brady had 20 points (we won't talk about the 2 picks he threw). Forte and McFadden each had double digits, and Nelson made his two real-game catches count for 17 fantasy points. Graham had 13 as well. Fergy left points on the bench at RB and Defense.
What went wrong- Of course, you can afford to leave points on the bench when you have two players (in his case, Aaron Rodgers and Michael Turner) combine for 56 points. Seriously, the rest of his roster did just okay. Those two guys killed me. I think Turner was out for a little jilted lover revenge, and I'm okay with that. I've moved on, right Victor? Oh yeah, that's right- Cruz choked in his first game as in the starting line-up.
Bonehead move- None, actually. At this point in the season, I have to say that I really don't have any bonehead moves to date (other than my drafting, but we'll get to that analysis after the season). It could be an artificial sense of my own accomplishment, but the fact is that my team has pretty much performed to its maximum capacity every week. Sure, we have some depth issues- especially at WR. But overall, we're humming along pretty well. We could very well be 6-0 if a couple of plays to Manningham hadn't been overturned. So I'll just stay here...at the first place ball...waiting for the prince to notice me (or the clock to strike Midnight, whichever comes first).
Week 7- Ah, the week after the first loss of the season. That's usually when the panic and paranoia sets in. It's just that usually this happens to me after Week 1, so I have much more time to right the ship. Now, despite sitting at a league-best 5-1 record, I've managed to thouroughly convince myself that I'm destined to watch the playoffs from the sideline. Every future matchup for my guys is like a virtual Steel Curtain. To make matters worse, this week I'm playing 1-5 El Diablo. On paper, this should be a cake walk for me. His team is missing most of his potent weapons due to bye weeks, and I'm projected to win 141-48. But I think back to last year, and how he was 4-0 and I was 0-4, and I defeated him- so I'm not taking this matchup lightly at all. You wouldn't know it though by my effort. Sure, I bring home the 73-51 win. But that's just about all I'll be bringing home from this turd sandwich.
What went right- Matt Forte scores 24 points on foreign soil, which unfortunately is not subject to the exchange rate but is still quite impressive. Graham ends up with 17 (and the eventual game winning points). The Ravens D scores 15. And Joe Flacco sucks almost as much as Matt Cassel.
What went wrong- Wells and McFadden both go down with first half injuries. Cassel throws 2 picks, has a TD pass overturned, and finishes with 2 points. Nick Novak racks up a grand total of 3 points at K (while Neil Rackers enjoys his 11 points on waivers). Let's see, what did I miss? Oh yeah- how about DeMarco Murrays 33 (on the bench), Mike Williams 7 (on the bench) and Doug Baldwin's 0- right out in front for everyone to see.
Bonehead move- Sigh...I almost wish that I could say I've had some bonehead moves. But really, my logic was sound. My methods, flawless. I couldn't have known that two of my top-three RBs would get injured. And sure, Wells was going against Pittsburgh, which is more like Sarlac Pit-tsburgh for RBs- but he's El Hombre for the Cardinals. I knew Murray would get some totes for the Pokes- but who knew he'd have 253 yards?
The problem with having a team perform at it's peak every week is that you feel so hopeless when things go wrong. When your guys aren't performing, you're just watching the seconds tick away, and there isn't anything you can do about it. At least if I make a misplay or a bonehead move, I can pass the blame. I can blame the experts for poor predicting. I can blame Eli Manning for not throwing the ball to Manningham more. I can even blame myself for making the bad play.
The funny thing is that I'm sitting at 6-1 and I feel worse about my team than I did a year ago at 3-4. What kind of monster am I? Who has made me this way? I know that I am a messed up human being. But this is 'Living' my friends- and I wouldn't have it any other way. Unless I could.
I told him about my dilemma about having Matt Forte of the Bears on my team. I was losing my game, and I needed Forte to get a bunch of yards and/or touchdowns- just not at the expense of a Lions win. Chris explained that these types of scenarios were the reason he quit Fantasy Football. An intelligent viewpoint, by the way. I told him that I wished I wasn't like this, but that I just can't help myself. Rationally, I can't think of a reason to stay. Emotionally, I can't leave.
The amalgamation, of course, is what keeps me coming back. That unadulterated combination of emotion and logic sets all of the gears in my brain on fire at once, and it takes me to places in my creative soul that I could never find on my own. If there was something else that could do for me what Fantasy Football does then surely I would switch. But for right now, this is where it is at- a place I like to call 'Living'.
In case you're wondering what the hang is going on, I'm giving you a review of the first half of my Fantasy Football season. Completely absurd, by the way. But if you've been around these parts before, you know that ridiculousness is my modus operandi.
I thought about waiting until the season was over, but I decided against it. For one thing, it is therapeutic for me to write while in-season. It releases all of the shennanigans and ridiculousness and overreactions into cyberspace, and gets me on a nice-even keel. Just in time for the playoffs, when my idiocy amps it up to 11. Additionally, my team is 6-1. This is the best record I've ever had, and since I am completely an utterly hopelessly cynical about the nature of Fantasy Football, I believe this is probably the best it will ever be.
So with that inspiring intro, I present to you the first half of the NORTH Michigan Snow Flurries 2011 season.
Week 1- After what happened last year, my only hope was to make it through my matchup against expansion franchise Team Knights with zero injuries. Well I did that-and a little more, as my team comes out with guns blazing in a 162-133 victory and the Snow Flurries first-ever 1-0 start.
What went right- Tom Brady, where have you been all my life? After having a revolving door at quarterback the last couple years, I finally have a guy that I can just plug in weekly and assume that 20+ points are in the bag. This week Brady went off for 44- a Snow Flurries record and my first 40+ point game ever. (Holding back the tears) I feel so proud- it's as I had a son, and my son was an NFL QB and he threw for 517 yards and 4 TD on Monday Night Football. I love you son!
But les Averses de Neige are not a one-man band. My starting backfield (Darren McFadden, Matt Forte, Beanie Wells) combined for 53 points. The Ravens 'D' (29 points) justified my blind faith in them. Except for Mario Manningham, all my guys score doubled digits. I also benefited from my opponents misplay, as the Knights left 2 guys on the bench with 25+ points each.
What went wrong- When you win by almost 30, you really didn't do anything wrong except think that you did. It took approximately one half of football on a Thursday for me to start kicking myself over points (Jordy Nelson's 13) left on the bench. Understand- there's no logical reason why I would have started Nelson over Manningham and Tampa Bay Mike Williams. They're all good receivers. But the fact that Nelson scored more points than either of them means that I spent most of Friday and a good part of Saturday kicking myself over a "misplay" that wasn't even a misplay. How pathetic is that? PLEASE DO NOT ANSWER
Bonehead move- Playing in a second league. I now realize that my emotions (which are already tattered, frail messes on Sundays) will constantly be battered and torn apart even more, because it is now possible that I will be facing off against players that I own in an alternate universe. Let me break it down.
After the 1:00 round of games, I was trailing 100-78, but I was feeling pretty good about my chances. I still had four players to go (Brady, McFadden, Wells, and Manningham), and my opponent only had Steve Smith I. Smith was playing in his first game since retiring in 2008, so I...oh. He didn't retire. What happened then? Did he fall off the face of the world? Because I don't remember him playing the last couple of seasons. Are you sure he didn't die?
Of course I will remember him now because of his career resurrection in which he torched me for 33 points that he also scored for me. Head...spinning...grey...hair...starting...
Week 2- The Snow Flurries have their first chance ever to go 2-0, which is a lot like 1-0 except it's twice as good. I spent all week getting ready for Team Fergy, a constant thorn in my side, only to find out there was a scheduling screw-up and my opponent was changed to the Castrated Bulls (formerly the Bullies). If Fergy is the thorn in my side, then the Bulls are like a giant flaming ACME safe and I am Wile Coyote. Despite the short notice, my team adapts quickly and walks away with a 140-121 victory.
What went right- Brady fell back to Earth this week, scoring "only" 36 points. My draft "strategy" (it should be noted that the use of "my" and "strategy" in the same sentence is something of a misnomer) of drafting versatile RBs pays off as neither Forte or McFadden rush for over 100 yards and yet both have over 15 poitns. 7 of my 9 players end up in double digits, including Nelson, who scored all 14 of his points on one play late in the 4th quarter of his real game.
What went wrong- Rob Gronkowski's 20 points would have looked heckabetter in my lineup than on my bench. And Mike Williams had 0 points. A goose egg. Mike, how are you going to come into my house, eat my food, sleep on my couch, and disrespect me like that. You know what dawg- I ain't even mad at you. We're 2-0, baby! Last year....well, last year, I'd have been figuring out a way to arrange a short walk on a long cliff for Tampa Mike.
 |
| Wait- don't you mean a long walk on a short cliff? |
Bonehead move- Pfftt. Please. We're 2-0. I have the top scoring team in the league at this point. My roster practically sets itself. There is no bonehead moving this squad- you'd have to have a football pedigree of like, Matt Millen or something. STOP- don't you dare say anything.
Week 3- A killer early season matchup against the two time defending champs and my team is dinged up. I'm a little worried about the toughness of my team. This is our Super Bowl- and you guys want a week off? I had a guy come back from the dead last year- I don't want to hear about your wussy injuries. Hamstring? Please. What are you, pig shoes? Concussion? You can't just make up fancy words and pass them off as legitimate injuries. ARRGGH- youngsters these days. Oh well- despite not being at full strength, my team is still strong enough to shock the champs 145-86.
What went right- Brady, McFadden, and Raven's D outscore Disco's entire team. Even with his top scorers at each position, I would have still won the game. Graham overcomes a 0-point first half to finish with 17, and Neil Rackers bangs home 15 big ones at the K spot. Discos' big guns (Phillip Rivers and Chris Johnson) combine for 13 points.
What went wrong- My WRs only have 8 points. I leave points on the bench at RB because Beanie Wells is too
Bonehead move- Picking up Taylor in the first place. To think I wasted a transaction on a guy who scored 3 points for me in a 59 point win. Unbelieveable. And it's not like I didn't have other running backs- Michael Bush and Brandon Jacobs, each put up a double-digit on my bench. Oh well. No time to savor this win, only to beat ourselves up over the things we sucked at and try to get better just enough for next week so that we can still beat ourselves up afterwards about how we need to get keep getting better.
Week 4- After a huge win, the Snow Flurries had to travel to Team Moose (his team's real name is some sort of leet speak, which I refuse to acknowledge) to take on the leader of the other division. I was worried going in- sure, my team was the highest scoring team 2 out of the 3 weeks, but Moose was high scorer the other week. Nevertheless, I knew this was a chance to flex my muscles against a good squad, and flex my muscles I did with a resounding 144-88 win.
What went wrong- Despite Graham being nothing but awesome for me all season and having a favorable matchup against the Jaguars, I subbed Gronkowski. At the time, Gronkowski had been almost matching Calvin Johnson's prolific TD stretch, and with Brady on my team, I figured I could use the Teammate Connection extra points. Of course Gronkowski scored 1 point while Graham scored 20. I hope Jimmy didn't take the demotion personally. Manningham also scored 1 point, while Nelson and his 15 languished on the bench.
Bonehead play- If I would have played Graham or Nelson, I could have had the high score in our league. I won handily, so I can't complain too much. It just would have netted me an extra $1.
Week 5- We must protect this house!!! After spending much of my first two years of Fantasy Football with sub-.500 records, the weight of a possible 5-0 start has literally whipped me into a blood lust frenzy. I'm doing 9-0 yard analysis, researching waiver-wire players, evaluating future matchups, and sacrificing squirrels to the football gods. Actually, that last one isn't true. It was chipmunks. KIDDING. So an intra-divisional matchup against Team Dennis awaits my team in Week 5. This is a trap game if there ever was one. Team Dennis is tied for second place, just sort of lurking back there, while my team is coming off of 3 high-profile matchups in a row (with a grudge match against Fergy lurking in Week 6). Add in the fact that bye weeks are coming up and these slackers are eyeing their paid vacations...there's a big chance that my team could fall flat on its face. And right on cue, the Snow Flurries fall way behind early, then again late, and need almost every second of football to pull out a 90-79 win over Dennis.
What went right- It's easy to keep your chin up and play hard when you're winning easily. Much less easy to keep plugging away when things aren't going your way. My guys could have just thrown in the towel, accepted a divisional lead tie, and got ready for next week. The fact that they battled back in an ugly, rock-em/sock-em type affair tells me a lot about the character of my team. It doesn't hurt that I got 16 points from bye-week starter Giants D (who I picked up earlier in the week), 13 points from Graham (whew! He doesn't hate me), and 15 clutch MNF points from Forte.
What went wrong- Williams volunatrily signs up for purgatory by scoring 0 points. McFadden struggles to put up 6 points, and Brady's off game of 17 fails to keep pace with Brees' 25. Kendall Hunter, a bye-week fill-in who literally signed with Team Dennis on Sunday morning, scores 6 points in the late games to give Dennis a 5 point lead with only two games to go. Trying to keep myself from going crazy, I tell myself that this is a manhood test, and if I can't have two players score 6 points then I don't deserve to win. Then Nelson racks up 1 whole point, with Forte still to play against an inspired and tenacious Lions defense. Fortunately Forte scored enough for the victory, but I shouldn't have had to win like that. Partly because it's just not fair, and mostly because I left 21 points from Victor Cruz on the bench.
Bonehead move- I don't qualify sitting Cruz over Nelson and Williamsas a bonehead move- I don't. Even though I've butted heads with the Experts in the past, I agreed with the assessment that time was needed to properly evaluate the roles of Manningham and Cruz. Now it is clear that Cruz is a player to watch, and Manningham can still be solid. But I didn't want to chance it at the expense of Nelson (who has always been solid) and Williams (who I just wish didn't suck so bad).
Week 6- Ah Fergy, my nemesis. Other teams have beat me, but no one has beat me the way Fergy has. Including the consolation game last year, I went 0-3 versus Fergy in 2010 (1-4 lifetime). Two of my most devastating defeats have come at his hands. Fergy entered this game as the second hottest team in the league (3 game win streak) and second high scorer. So believe me, he had my full attention. And after losing our first game of the season, a 108-96 decision, he has even more of my full attention.
What went right- Brady had 20 points (we won't talk about the 2 picks he threw). Forte and McFadden each had double digits, and Nelson made his two real-game catches count for 17 fantasy points. Graham had 13 as well. Fergy left points on the bench at RB and Defense.
What went wrong- Of course, you can afford to leave points on the bench when you have two players (in his case, Aaron Rodgers and Michael Turner) combine for 56 points. Seriously, the rest of his roster did just okay. Those two guys killed me. I think Turner was out for a little jilted lover revenge, and I'm okay with that. I've moved on, right Victor? Oh yeah, that's right- Cruz choked in his first game as in the starting line-up.
Bonehead move- None, actually. At this point in the season, I have to say that I really don't have any bonehead moves to date (other than my drafting, but we'll get to that analysis after the season). It could be an artificial sense of my own accomplishment, but the fact is that my team has pretty much performed to its maximum capacity every week. Sure, we have some depth issues- especially at WR. But overall, we're humming along pretty well. We could very well be 6-0 if a couple of plays to Manningham hadn't been overturned. So I'll just stay here...at the first place ball...waiting for the prince to notice me (or the clock to strike Midnight, whichever comes first).
Week 7- Ah, the week after the first loss of the season. That's usually when the panic and paranoia sets in. It's just that usually this happens to me after Week 1, so I have much more time to right the ship. Now, despite sitting at a league-best 5-1 record, I've managed to thouroughly convince myself that I'm destined to watch the playoffs from the sideline. Every future matchup for my guys is like a virtual Steel Curtain. To make matters worse, this week I'm playing 1-5 El Diablo. On paper, this should be a cake walk for me. His team is missing most of his potent weapons due to bye weeks, and I'm projected to win 141-48. But I think back to last year, and how he was 4-0 and I was 0-4, and I defeated him- so I'm not taking this matchup lightly at all. You wouldn't know it though by my effort. Sure, I bring home the 73-51 win. But that's just about all I'll be bringing home from this turd sandwich.
What went right- Matt Forte scores 24 points on foreign soil, which unfortunately is not subject to the exchange rate but is still quite impressive. Graham ends up with 17 (and the eventual game winning points). The Ravens D scores 15. And Joe Flacco sucks almost as much as Matt Cassel.
What went wrong- Wells and McFadden both go down with first half injuries. Cassel throws 2 picks, has a TD pass overturned, and finishes with 2 points. Nick Novak racks up a grand total of 3 points at K (while Neil Rackers enjoys his 11 points on waivers). Let's see, what did I miss? Oh yeah- how about DeMarco Murrays 33 (on the bench), Mike Williams 7 (on the bench) and Doug Baldwin's 0- right out in front for everyone to see.
Bonehead move- Sigh...I almost wish that I could say I've had some bonehead moves. But really, my logic was sound. My methods, flawless. I couldn't have known that two of my top-three RBs would get injured. And sure, Wells was going against Pittsburgh, which is more like Sarlac Pit-tsburgh for RBs- but he's El Hombre for the Cardinals. I knew Murray would get some totes for the Pokes- but who knew he'd have 253 yards?
The problem with having a team perform at it's peak every week is that you feel so hopeless when things go wrong. When your guys aren't performing, you're just watching the seconds tick away, and there isn't anything you can do about it. At least if I make a misplay or a bonehead move, I can pass the blame. I can blame the experts for poor predicting. I can blame Eli Manning for not throwing the ball to Manningham more. I can even blame myself for making the bad play.
The funny thing is that I'm sitting at 6-1 and I feel worse about my team than I did a year ago at 3-4. What kind of monster am I? Who has made me this way? I know that I am a messed up human being. But this is 'Living' my friends- and I wouldn't have it any other way. Unless I could.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Tim Tebow: Savior- or saviorest?
If you even thought about accessing any sort of media relating somehow to sports, then you surely know that yesterday was Tim Tebow's first start of the season. And I'm gonna take him to task.
I actually have nothing against Tebow- from what I've read/heard, he's a fine and upstanding young man, a devout Christian, and an excellent teammate. Tebow has done humanity a solid. His parents should be proud.
He definitely doesn't deserve most of the venom being spewed towards him. You can't blame Denver for reaching to draft Tebow in the first round. He (probably) didn't ask the fans to start cheering for him when Kyle Orton's career started to tailspin. It's definitely not his fault that everyone everywhere nitpicking his football career the past two weeks- talking about how inaccurate he is, why he is inaccurate, how his arm isn't strong enough, how his arm is strong enough, how he needs an offense specifically tailored to his skill set, how he needs to be a pocket passer, how he isn't ever going to be a pocket passer, his intangibles...and I didn't even actually read most of the articles- this is all information gleaned from headlines and the NFL pregame shows that I watched today.
I understand why this is- we're like information sponges, and the Internet is Bikini Bottom. Bill Simmons has talked before about the culture of the Internet, and the 24 hour news cycle, and because there's so much more air time to fill, things get analyzed and reanalyzed, and the analysis gets analyzed and so on and so on. And of course I could rip on the process...but using my own blog to do so would be a little hypocritical. I just don't believe that you should bite the hand that feeds you (especially since most of the time it's my own hand).
I do think that this over-overanalyzation had a ridiculous impact on the development of young players. Head coaches too, but I'm not talking about coaches here- I'm talking about the man Tim Tebow. I remember as a kid reading this book of NFL player profiles from the early 1980's. One of the player profiles was Bert Jones, a young QB for the Baltimore Colts, and his head coach made a comment akin to QBs taking about five years to really fully understand the NFL game.
Every time I stumble across an article about Tebow or see him being virtually dissected, I think about that quote. I think about Tim Tebow, starting for the 4th or 5th time in the 2nd year of his NFL career, and I think it's absolutely preposterous that people would be trying to make declarative statements about his football future at this stage in his career. Especially since everybody knew that Tebow was going to be a project coming out of the funky spread offense that Florida ran. But hey, we have to fill the air time, so let's keep talking and talking and let's run this kid's career into the ground before it even gets started. Poor Timmy.
But enough about that. On to the game!
Full disclosure- I didn't actually get to watch Tebow play very much yesterday. Apparently 1-4 Denver at 0-5 Miami didn't really make for must-see TV, Tebow or no Tebow. So I watched San Diego at New York (the Lions were on, but I couldn't stand to watch them suck). Ergo, my discussion of Tebow will be mostly academic.
I know that his passing numbers were so-so. I know that he led the Denver offense to within field goal range a couple times in the first half but the Denver kicker missed a couple of field goals. I know that Tebow led the Broncos from 15 points down in the last 3 minutes of the game (thanks on-side kick team!) and then about half-way through the OT period the defense delivered a turnover that eventually led to a 52 yard game winning field goal. I know that after the game they interviewed Tebow and he thanked Jesus and then his teammates.
People with way more time and money on their hands are going to sit around and dissect the film of this game and be able to determine whether Tebow played good, great, or more great. So I can't really comment on that. He led them to a win, which is always a big deal in the NFL. He's definitely an exciting player, if not slightly unorthodox.
What I want to focus on is his post game comments- particularly how they rubbed me the wrong way.
Maybe it's just because I'm a little older, a little wiser, or maybe I'm about to get ungrafted from the Vine- but I really wasn't feeling the shout-out to JC. Far be it for me to make any sort of judgments or assumptions or mind-readings, but it really felt forced. It was like Tim spent all week with a series of post-it-notes around his house that said "If get interviewed, thank Jesus Christ Personal Savior".
I don't have any problem with athletes being outspoken about their faith- as long as its in context. If you're speaking to a bunch of church camp kids- yeah, tell them about your faith. If you're telling a reporter why you set up this charity or that fundraiser- sure, that's appropriate. If the NFL analysts are asking you about game situations- you should probably leave God out of it. Especially since you just got sacked 7 times, went 13-27 passing, and spent most of the game struggling against the worst defense since Helms Deep.
I don't know- I just think that it's okay to talk about football when they ask you football questions. If you repped Christ because you're wanting to stay humble, try looking at your statistics instead. Plenty there to keep yourself in perspective. If you name-dropped Jesus because you wanted Him to get proper praise and glory, try going 31-35 for 325 yards and 5 TDs. But don't take my word for it:
-If anyone speaks, they should do so as one who speaks the very words of God. If anyone serves, they should do so with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. If anyone plays quarterback, he should complete at least 60% of his passes with an average yards/attempt of about 7-8, and a 3-1 TD-to-INT ration. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen- 1 Peter 4:11 (Bolded part was not part of the original manuscripts. Or any of the manuscripts, for that matter)
That's all I got. I don't know if it's good enough, but thanks to the Internet we have nothing but time to kill and space to fill. I do hope that Tebow does well- I like to see the good guys succeed and the underdogs prove their doubters wrong. I'm also partial to left-handed QBs TTFN!
Thursday, October 20, 2011
The problem with polls
You want to know how cool I am? I'm about to singlehandedly lead the Air Force Falcons to an NCAA Football Bowl Subdivision championship.
On the PS3. Boo-yah!
Before you drag the mouse up to that little X next to the tab you're reading this on, I ask you to just hang with me for a second. There's actual substance to this post, and I will get to it fairly quickly. But in order to get to the meat, you first have to chow down the airy, spun sugar/like substance that is the backdrop of my story.
I'm playing a dynasty on NCAA Football 11 as the Air Force Falcons. I've always had this mythical interest in the football programs of the service academies. I think this is because there is nothing quite as manly as the idea of playing football at a military institution combined with that fact that military institutions generally make use of the Option offense (my absolute favorite football offensive system).
Anyways, so I'm playing as Air Force. Obviously I needed to be on the team- that's the whole reason why dorks like me play sports games. Right? So I created myself as a dynamic, dual-threat quarterback (a lot like real life, without the 'dynamic' or the 'dual-threat'. Or even the 'quarterback') and started plowing through Conference USA (I know Air Force is currently in the Mountain West- but I just had to find a league that played a conference championship game so I could have that extra game's worth of stats) like I was a warm knife and the Tulsas and Houstons were melted butter.
My latest season started off with a 21 point win over a #6 Florida Gators squad- on the road. I shouldn't brag, but I was impressed. After all, Lee Corso and Kirk Herbstreit had both predicted Florida to win. Boy I showed them. I played on Varsity level and everything!
The very next week, I skyrocketed up to #19 in the polls. Where was I the week before- I don't know. Limbo, oblivion, Dante's inferno- it really doesn't matter. The fact is that now I'm #19. Scratch that- #15 after I creamed Army last week by 20 (who is the civy now, huh?).
I'm really close to actual real-life application, so if you've made it this far, you are about to be rewarded beyond your wildest dreams (which probably says more about the state of your dreams than it does about my writing). I was looking at the rest of my schedule, and I realized that at the rate I'm going, I will probably be playing for a National Championship at season's end. I'm in the top 15 in week 3- I'm basically already sitting at the cool table! Most of my games will be conference games (in a weak conference), with a trip to Mississippi State (hardly a Florida-level challenge) and a conference championship game that will give me an extra week to move up in the polls. BCS, here we come!
And so naturally I then started thinking about the problem with polls- because this is how my mind works. I don't question it anymore, I just roll with it. Mostly I was thinking about college football polls (which I've talked about in the past), but it's no stretch to apply that to other polls as well. Particularly since we're currently in the middle of a GOP Presidential candidate orgy.
The use of polls to determine the national championship is, I believe, an inherently flawed strategy. I feel like it gives artificial favor to the teams that are ranked in the preseason polls as well as teams from BCS conferences. This is because, unless you have a colossal faceplant to start the season, or multiple losses throughout the season, the chances are pretty good that you are going to be in a strong position to remain ranked in the top 25 throughout the season. And if you are in a BCS conference, you have a greater chance of being ranked in the first place (and less of a chance of falling out of the top 25 should you lose a game).
This is no mere academic issue, either. Being ranked brings prestige with it. You get nice little write-ups in the beginning of college football preview mags. Your scores come first on ESPN's homepage. The byproduct of the increased attention gets you more love and attention from the top recruits, which means you're more likely to continue to have good football teams in the future, which means you'll be ranked in the top 25, which means that....you see where this leads, don't you? A self-sustaining cycle of artificially enhanced dominance. And what does that dominance get you?
MONEY. The better your team, the more money that gets brought into the school. So obviously there is a great deal of interest in maintaining the status quo, which is that certain programs are granted the advantage of being ranked before actually playing a single game. This serves usually to keep the money inside the big BCS conference super-circle while leaving the teams like TCU and Boise State on the outside looking in.
Let me show you a little bit how the BCS schools get favored in this system. First of all, a majority of preseason ranked schools come from the six BCS conferences (Big 10+2, Pac-whateveritisnow, Big not-really-12, used-to-be-Big East, ACC, $EC). A fairly large proportion of BCS conference teams schedule very winnable games in the early season. Sure, there's always early-season high-profile showdowns, such as Oregon versus LSU, but most of the time they schedule cream-puffs. The kind that E. Gordon Gee eats for breakfast.
So by the time the average conference season starts, a team that started the season ranked highly is already going to have 3-4 wins under their belt, and if they're in a BCS conference, they're going to be playing against other ranked teams whose rankings are most likely reinforced by a series of wins against inferior competition (not always, but more often than not). So then a ranked team beats another ranked team which enhances its artificially bestowed status (or a non-ranked conference team boosts their status because they beat a ranked team)- even though we don't actually know whether or not the ranked team is actually any good yet. Does this make sense? Am I taking crazy pills?
Sure, there are guidelines to help make sure that the voters are remaining as objective as possible. But come on. There is a subjective human element here that makes this whole thing stink. Ask 1994 Penn State about their level of confidence in voter judgment.
I read an article done by a guy that seems to know more about statistics than I do, and he came to the conclusion that preseason polls do matter (although not as much as we might think). Using a complex formula, he deteremined the difference typically comes down to around 1 poll spot. Even though most of the time 1 poll spot is inconsequential, it can also be absolutely devestating. 1 poll spot seperates #3 from #2, and only #2 gets to play against #1 for crystal football.
Ask 2004 Auburn about how they feel about 1 poll spot.
Sometimes teams win and lose ground in the polls, for sure- sometimes you just don't win that impressively or someone else leapfrogs you because theyran up the score notched a huge win. But these are the exception and not the rule. Most of the time you move up (or at least hold steady) if you win.
So how does tie into politics? Simple- polls influence the headlines, which in turn influences how most people perceive or feel about candidates (or at least the perception of how people perceive or feel about candidates. Man my head is spinning!). And the candidates respond accordingly. Don't believe me? Look at the action, and how much of it is dictated by polls. It's like candidates are not even addressing ideas anymore- they're defending their rank. They're on constant campaign mode, always trying to make their case to be #1.
The obvious problem with this is that our focus as voters can become about things like debate performance instead of policy content. We start to pay less attention to what Herman Cain's "9-9-9" plan consists of and more time about how he sells/defends his image. And then we have the audacity to get upset when we find out that the people in office are not as compentant as we thought they were based on the performances that we asked for.
So what's the moral of this story? Obviously I'm telling you to do everything you can to artificially enhance yourself. Whether that means that you schedule easy wins for your football team, become a charismatic public speaker, or make your speed rating a '95' (even though in reality it's more like '65')- just do what you have to do. Because in today's society, it's where you start that determines where you finish.
PICS- Golf trophy- http://www.blackshoediaries.com/2010/4/11/1415660/jumble-in-the-rumble
Chris Leak- http://s3.amazonaws.com/collegeotr/images/blogs/9aa2c206e2ff225abedfaf9f6f414b2f.jpg
On the PS3. Boo-yah!
Before you drag the mouse up to that little X next to the tab you're reading this on, I ask you to just hang with me for a second. There's actual substance to this post, and I will get to it fairly quickly. But in order to get to the meat, you first have to chow down the airy, spun sugar/like substance that is the backdrop of my story.
I'm playing a dynasty on NCAA Football 11 as the Air Force Falcons. I've always had this mythical interest in the football programs of the service academies. I think this is because there is nothing quite as manly as the idea of playing football at a military institution combined with that fact that military institutions generally make use of the Option offense (my absolute favorite football offensive system).
Anyways, so I'm playing as Air Force. Obviously I needed to be on the team- that's the whole reason why dorks like me play sports games. Right? So I created myself as a dynamic, dual-threat quarterback (a lot like real life, without the 'dynamic' or the 'dual-threat'. Or even the 'quarterback') and started plowing through Conference USA (I know Air Force is currently in the Mountain West- but I just had to find a league that played a conference championship game so I could have that extra game's worth of stats) like I was a warm knife and the Tulsas and Houstons were melted butter.
My latest season started off with a 21 point win over a #6 Florida Gators squad- on the road. I shouldn't brag, but I was impressed. After all, Lee Corso and Kirk Herbstreit had both predicted Florida to win. Boy I showed them. I played on Varsity level and everything!
The very next week, I skyrocketed up to #19 in the polls. Where was I the week before- I don't know. Limbo, oblivion, Dante's inferno- it really doesn't matter. The fact is that now I'm #19. Scratch that- #15 after I creamed Army last week by 20 (who is the civy now, huh?).
I'm really close to actual real-life application, so if you've made it this far, you are about to be rewarded beyond your wildest dreams (which probably says more about the state of your dreams than it does about my writing). I was looking at the rest of my schedule, and I realized that at the rate I'm going, I will probably be playing for a National Championship at season's end. I'm in the top 15 in week 3- I'm basically already sitting at the cool table! Most of my games will be conference games (in a weak conference), with a trip to Mississippi State (hardly a Florida-level challenge) and a conference championship game that will give me an extra week to move up in the polls. BCS, here we come!
And so naturally I then started thinking about the problem with polls- because this is how my mind works. I don't question it anymore, I just roll with it. Mostly I was thinking about college football polls (which I've talked about in the past), but it's no stretch to apply that to other polls as well. Particularly since we're currently in the middle of a GOP Presidential candidate orgy.
The use of polls to determine the national championship is, I believe, an inherently flawed strategy. I feel like it gives artificial favor to the teams that are ranked in the preseason polls as well as teams from BCS conferences. This is because, unless you have a colossal faceplant to start the season, or multiple losses throughout the season, the chances are pretty good that you are going to be in a strong position to remain ranked in the top 25 throughout the season. And if you are in a BCS conference, you have a greater chance of being ranked in the first place (and less of a chance of falling out of the top 25 should you lose a game).
This is no mere academic issue, either. Being ranked brings prestige with it. You get nice little write-ups in the beginning of college football preview mags. Your scores come first on ESPN's homepage. The byproduct of the increased attention gets you more love and attention from the top recruits, which means you're more likely to continue to have good football teams in the future, which means you'll be ranked in the top 25, which means that....you see where this leads, don't you? A self-sustaining cycle of artificially enhanced dominance. And what does that dominance get you?
MONEY. The better your team, the more money that gets brought into the school. So obviously there is a great deal of interest in maintaining the status quo, which is that certain programs are granted the advantage of being ranked before actually playing a single game. This serves usually to keep the money inside the big BCS conference super-circle while leaving the teams like TCU and Boise State on the outside looking in.
Let me show you a little bit how the BCS schools get favored in this system. First of all, a majority of preseason ranked schools come from the six BCS conferences (Big 10+2, Pac-whateveritisnow, Big not-really-12, used-to-be-Big East, ACC, $EC). A fairly large proportion of BCS conference teams schedule very winnable games in the early season. Sure, there's always early-season high-profile showdowns, such as Oregon versus LSU, but most of the time they schedule cream-puffs. The kind that E. Gordon Gee eats for breakfast.
So by the time the average conference season starts, a team that started the season ranked highly is already going to have 3-4 wins under their belt, and if they're in a BCS conference, they're going to be playing against other ranked teams whose rankings are most likely reinforced by a series of wins against inferior competition (not always, but more often than not). So then a ranked team beats another ranked team which enhances its artificially bestowed status (or a non-ranked conference team boosts their status because they beat a ranked team)- even though we don't actually know whether or not the ranked team is actually any good yet. Does this make sense? Am I taking crazy pills?
Sure, there are guidelines to help make sure that the voters are remaining as objective as possible. But come on. There is a subjective human element here that makes this whole thing stink. Ask 1994 Penn State about their level of confidence in voter judgment.
I read an article done by a guy that seems to know more about statistics than I do, and he came to the conclusion that preseason polls do matter (although not as much as we might think). Using a complex formula, he deteremined the difference typically comes down to around 1 poll spot. Even though most of the time 1 poll spot is inconsequential, it can also be absolutely devestating. 1 poll spot seperates #3 from #2, and only #2 gets to play against #1 for crystal football.
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| Note- this is not the BCS trophy. It's a warning to those that think SafeSearch is truly safe. Or search. |
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| T IS FOR TROPHY, THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME. NOM NOM NOM NOM |
Sometimes teams win and lose ground in the polls, for sure- sometimes you just don't win that impressively or someone else leapfrogs you because they
So how does tie into politics? Simple- polls influence the headlines, which in turn influences how most people perceive or feel about candidates (or at least the perception of how people perceive or feel about candidates. Man my head is spinning!). And the candidates respond accordingly. Don't believe me? Look at the action, and how much of it is dictated by polls. It's like candidates are not even addressing ideas anymore- they're defending their rank. They're on constant campaign mode, always trying to make their case to be #1.
The obvious problem with this is that our focus as voters can become about things like debate performance instead of policy content. We start to pay less attention to what Herman Cain's "9-9-9" plan consists of and more time about how he sells/defends his image. And then we have the audacity to get upset when we find out that the people in office are not as compentant as we thought they were based on the performances that we asked for.
So what's the moral of this story? Obviously I'm telling you to do everything you can to artificially enhance yourself. Whether that means that you schedule easy wins for your football team, become a charismatic public speaker, or make your speed rating a '95' (even though in reality it's more like '65')- just do what you have to do. Because in today's society, it's where you start that determines where you finish.
PICS- Golf trophy- http://www.blackshoediaries.com/2010/4/11/1415660/jumble-in-the-rumble
Chris Leak- http://s3.amazonaws.com/collegeotr/images/blogs/9aa2c206e2ff225abedfaf9f6f414b2f.jpg
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
The intellectual middleman, or more commonly, What is the point?
Let's take a break from the silly and get down to some business. Since I can't think of some frilly way to icebreak here, I'll just be blunt- the last couple of weeks, I've really been feeling like I have no purpose.
I'm not looking for sympathy- so please don't give it. At least not for a few days. I apologize if that's harsh. I'm really struggling right now, and sometimes I feel like people respond with good intentions that end up trivializing pain and invalidating struggle. The last thing I want is to feel like everything can just be whisked away by a greeting card line or a motivational flip calendar. If, after a few days, my struggle is still resonating in you, then by all means I want to hear what you have to say.
Like anything in life, there's not just 'one thing' causing me to feel this way. In fact, it is probably even more complex than how I'm going to characterize it. But there are a few areas that I'm struggling in, and they're all feeding off of each other to create the monster that is currently my self-esteem.
1) Inadequacy
Lately, I've been feeling as though I don't have a voice. Not literally- obviously I have a literal voice. And not so much metaphorically- I mean, I've been writing a lot lately, and by and large my writing has felt pretty good. But what do I have to say, really? What sort of contributions to the world at large am I making? What kind of legacy is being carved out by my words?
I know a lot of what I've been writing has been ridiculous, off-the-wall sorts of things, but I don't think that alone contributes to the feeling. Besides, humor is an important part of the human experience. I don't even feel like I've been doing that well lately though.
I've just been feeling this overarching sense of "what is the point?" lately. I've been trying to read more, and diversify the things I'm reading. Particularly I've been seeking out blogs and forums of a more intellectual nature. So I've been coming across a lot people who write like me except they're smarter, funnier, and better writers. It's like I can feel myself disintegrating into white noise.
I'm starting to feel like I'm in sort of this middle zone- like I'm smart enough to sound kind of smart, but I'm not smart enough to be smart without being exposed as a fraud. I mean, I know nothing about debating. Or philosophy. Or textual criticism. Basically anything that people do or say or think that makes them really smart, I don't do. I suppose I could focus on more trendy, pop-culturey things- but I don't do that well, either.
Ironically, even my belief that each person is worth knowing because of their unique perspective on the human experience isn't enough to lift my spirits. I honestly feel like I have little of worth to contribute to the human conversation. The past couple of years have been taken me on a pretty incredible journey of self-discovery. I find myself thinking about things differently than I did, making all sorts of forward leaps in thinking- and yet these wonderfully new and exciting ideas that I stumble on have already been discovered. Just call me Intellectual Chris Columbus.
I've been asking myself 'what does it matter what I have to say? What do I really bring to the table'? And whose table am I bringing it to? I know that pretty much all of my readers are friends and family. And I am very thankful for all of you, and for anyone who reads my blog, really. I just wanted to have a bigger audience and a larger sphere of influence, and I'm starting to feel like I don't have what it takes to get there. 32 might be kind of young to have a mid-life crisis. But there it is- staring me right in the face.
Maybe this is my lot. Maybe I'm to be this intellectual middleman, a Wal-Mart of knowledge. Bringing you virtually brand-name (like) discourse at discount prices. Someday I might find that to be of some comfort. Just not right now.
I know part of it is the unrealistic expectations that I have for myself. But with the way the Internet works, it's not all that unrealistic. Ideas spread within seconds. One link on a Facebook wall can find its way around the world in a heartbeat. That stuff doesn't happen to me. I get ecstatic if one of my posts gets more than 20 page views.
2) Insecurity
It's also frustrating to me is that everyone else has it all figured out- or at least they act/talk like it. No matter what the issue, everyone has taken their stand, and they're all so certain, and...how can you be so certain? I'm not certain of much anymore.
I'm working on a couple blog posts that I'm afraid of. I'm afraid because they speak to the way my worldview is changing. I have different thoughts and ideas about things that I know many people hold dear. And I'm scared to death to post them. I'm even afraid to mention here now that I'll be posting them then. I'm questioning some things that I previously held tightly to, and I'm worried that people will take my questions from my journey and internalize them as an attack on themselves.
I don't want to attack anyone. These is about me, and my stuff. This is about me needing to break free from the image that I feel I have misrepresented for awhile. I need to put myself out there. But I don't know how the words I say about the thoughts I think will be taken. And that frightens me to no end.
3) Drowning in routine
Finally, as a stay-at-home dad working part time as a care provider, I'm really struggling with feeling stuck. I knew that it would be hard when I decided to stay at home so Sara could go back to school. But I didn't know it would be as hard as it is. I feel like my life is this Groundhogs Day cycle, over and over and over again. I want to be learning and growing. And I have been doing that in part- I just feel like so much of my life is spent watching kids movies, washing dishes, washing laundry, playing with kids toys, picking up kids toys, and escaping into Fantasy Football and video games.
I'm sorry for griping about it- the simple fact is that I get to spend many hours a day with my children during their most important years. How amazing! Soon they'll both be in school full-time and I know I'll miss these moments. That's another thing that is really tearing me apart. I feel trapped, so I feel frustrated about that, but then I also feel frustrated about feeling frustrated about feeling trapped. It's getting to a point where I'm having a hard time enjoying the time I have with my kids, and I hate that. Hate it. But I don't know what to do.
I feel like I'm just complaining, and that I should just man-up, or something. It's part of living in America- I just have to be tougher and work harder I guess. Sorry that I wore my Debbie-downer hat today.
I'm not looking for sympathy- so please don't give it. At least not for a few days. I apologize if that's harsh. I'm really struggling right now, and sometimes I feel like people respond with good intentions that end up trivializing pain and invalidating struggle. The last thing I want is to feel like everything can just be whisked away by a greeting card line or a motivational flip calendar. If, after a few days, my struggle is still resonating in you, then by all means I want to hear what you have to say.
Like anything in life, there's not just 'one thing' causing me to feel this way. In fact, it is probably even more complex than how I'm going to characterize it. But there are a few areas that I'm struggling in, and they're all feeding off of each other to create the monster that is currently my self-esteem.
1) Inadequacy
Lately, I've been feeling as though I don't have a voice. Not literally- obviously I have a literal voice. And not so much metaphorically- I mean, I've been writing a lot lately, and by and large my writing has felt pretty good. But what do I have to say, really? What sort of contributions to the world at large am I making? What kind of legacy is being carved out by my words?
I know a lot of what I've been writing has been ridiculous, off-the-wall sorts of things, but I don't think that alone contributes to the feeling. Besides, humor is an important part of the human experience. I don't even feel like I've been doing that well lately though.
I've just been feeling this overarching sense of "what is the point?" lately. I've been trying to read more, and diversify the things I'm reading. Particularly I've been seeking out blogs and forums of a more intellectual nature. So I've been coming across a lot people who write like me except they're smarter, funnier, and better writers. It's like I can feel myself disintegrating into white noise.
I'm starting to feel like I'm in sort of this middle zone- like I'm smart enough to sound kind of smart, but I'm not smart enough to be smart without being exposed as a fraud. I mean, I know nothing about debating. Or philosophy. Or textual criticism. Basically anything that people do or say or think that makes them really smart, I don't do. I suppose I could focus on more trendy, pop-culturey things- but I don't do that well, either.
Ironically, even my belief that each person is worth knowing because of their unique perspective on the human experience isn't enough to lift my spirits. I honestly feel like I have little of worth to contribute to the human conversation. The past couple of years have been taken me on a pretty incredible journey of self-discovery. I find myself thinking about things differently than I did, making all sorts of forward leaps in thinking- and yet these wonderfully new and exciting ideas that I stumble on have already been discovered. Just call me Intellectual Chris Columbus.
I've been asking myself 'what does it matter what I have to say? What do I really bring to the table'? And whose table am I bringing it to? I know that pretty much all of my readers are friends and family. And I am very thankful for all of you, and for anyone who reads my blog, really. I just wanted to have a bigger audience and a larger sphere of influence, and I'm starting to feel like I don't have what it takes to get there. 32 might be kind of young to have a mid-life crisis. But there it is- staring me right in the face.
Maybe this is my lot. Maybe I'm to be this intellectual middleman, a Wal-Mart of knowledge. Bringing you virtually brand-name (like) discourse at discount prices. Someday I might find that to be of some comfort. Just not right now.
I know part of it is the unrealistic expectations that I have for myself. But with the way the Internet works, it's not all that unrealistic. Ideas spread within seconds. One link on a Facebook wall can find its way around the world in a heartbeat. That stuff doesn't happen to me. I get ecstatic if one of my posts gets more than 20 page views.
2) Insecurity
It's also frustrating to me is that everyone else has it all figured out- or at least they act/talk like it. No matter what the issue, everyone has taken their stand, and they're all so certain, and...how can you be so certain? I'm not certain of much anymore.
I'm working on a couple blog posts that I'm afraid of. I'm afraid because they speak to the way my worldview is changing. I have different thoughts and ideas about things that I know many people hold dear. And I'm scared to death to post them. I'm even afraid to mention here now that I'll be posting them then. I'm questioning some things that I previously held tightly to, and I'm worried that people will take my questions from my journey and internalize them as an attack on themselves.
I don't want to attack anyone. These is about me, and my stuff. This is about me needing to break free from the image that I feel I have misrepresented for awhile. I need to put myself out there. But I don't know how the words I say about the thoughts I think will be taken. And that frightens me to no end.
3) Drowning in routine
Finally, as a stay-at-home dad working part time as a care provider, I'm really struggling with feeling stuck. I knew that it would be hard when I decided to stay at home so Sara could go back to school. But I didn't know it would be as hard as it is. I feel like my life is this Groundhogs Day cycle, over and over and over again. I want to be learning and growing. And I have been doing that in part- I just feel like so much of my life is spent watching kids movies, washing dishes, washing laundry, playing with kids toys, picking up kids toys, and escaping into Fantasy Football and video games.
I'm sorry for griping about it- the simple fact is that I get to spend many hours a day with my children during their most important years. How amazing! Soon they'll both be in school full-time and I know I'll miss these moments. That's another thing that is really tearing me apart. I feel trapped, so I feel frustrated about that, but then I also feel frustrated about feeling frustrated about feeling trapped. It's getting to a point where I'm having a hard time enjoying the time I have with my kids, and I hate that. Hate it. But I don't know what to do.
I feel like I'm just complaining, and that I should just man-up, or something. It's part of living in America- I just have to be tougher and work harder I guess. Sorry that I wore my Debbie-downer hat today.
Friday, October 14, 2011
DC Stars defense
Last time I trotted out Superman the offense that the DC Stars would utilize to win the gridiron battle between the comic industrys' big two. Today, I present their defense. It isn't as pretty as the O, but as you will soon see, it is very capable of delivering a serious case of smack-down.
Pictures are taken from comicvine.com. Measurables are taken from the DC Wiki. Commentary is borrowed from the Hive Mind.
Ordinarily, I'm not one to advocate the use of performance enhancing drugs. But this guy is as smart as Batman. He can lift up to three tons when he's juicing. So if I'm DC, I want him on the field at any cost. ANY cost. If that means a little Venom-drip on the sidelines between series, well then that's what has to happen. Besides, Hulk has to get angry to release his powers, and I'm pretty sure that anger is a sin just like cheating is.
There is a reason I chose three anthropomorphic apes for linebackers on the Marvel D, and it isn't just because I'm lazy and didn't want to write about all of them (although...). Just think about the physical attributes of a gorilla. They're extremely strong and agile. Gorillas are non-territorial, but will fight to defend their troop (in this case, the DC Stars defensive unit). Then you factor in that gorillas already have a high level of natural intelligence, and these Three Amigo-rillas have enhanced genius intellect and assorted super powers. Think 'Congo' but on the football field and field position instead of diamonds.
If Black Panther tries this stunt, then Black Adam will grab his arm and remove it from his body. Will Marvel most likely end up with a first down due to a personal foul penalty? Yup. But in a game of this magnitude, if you have a chance to trade 15 yards for a ballcarriers arm, you take the 15 yards. NOTE: I am not condoning the ripping out of people's arms in normal football. But do what you have to do
I realize that Mr. Freeze is much to slow to play football- shoot he's probably too slow for shuffleboard. But I don't need Mr. Freeze to be a speedy corner- I just need him to jam receivers at the line. And by 'jam receivers, I mean 'shoot them with his freezey ray gun'. As effective as a physical corner can be in the five yard box with jamming receivers and disrupting timing, imagine a corner who can literally freeze a wideout before he gets into his route.
It would have been easy to just stick him over on offense as a WR, a la Mr. Fantastic. Of course, with my situational omnipotence, it is just as easy to plug him on on defense specifically to stop Mr. Fantastic. I guess I just figured that Plastic Man is sort of a goofball, and I'm afraid that Superman would get pissed off at his antics and just throw the football so hard at his head that Plastic Man would instantly disintegrate and release all that Bisphenol A into the air, and I just don't think anyone wants to deal with that sort of public relations backlash.
A literal hitman, Deathstroke has enhanced strength and reflexes and the ability to use 90% of his brain. While this actually might not be as impressive as Wikipedia would like us to believe, it would still is probably a good 85-90% more than most football players are able to use. Yes, I made a joke about football players being stupid.
Perhaps more than talent, the best weapon for a defense is preparation. If they can know what the offense is going to do it is much easier for them to keep the offense from doing it. With all of the brilliant minds in the DCU, there are dozens of candidates who could pour over film and discern tendencies within formations and situations. But this type of study would take hours, and probably be flawed by human subjection. Brainiac 13 could analyze all the film and calculate probabilities in a matter of seconds without the interference of a conscious mind. Sure, his main goal is the eradication of all life forms- but you have to take the bad with the good. Kind of like marriage, except normally your wife's main ambition is not to wipe you out from existence (although you'd think so, what with all the nagging she does).
That concludes our look at the rosters of the Marvel Machine and the DC Stars. The stage is now set. The pieces are in play. Events have been put into motion. So how does this all play out? I'll tell you- next week.
PIC-
Roy Williams- http://mnjails.info/images2/ernest-roy-williams-1103602.jpg
Roy Williams (coach)- http://www.midwestsportsfans.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/10/roy-williams.jpg
Roy Williams (DB)- http://sports.popcrunch.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/06/roy-williams.jpg
Roy Williams (WR)-http://old.dallasnews.com/sharedcontent/dws/pt/photos/2009/09/090913_NS_13WilliamsSignal.jpg
Pictures are taken from comicvine.com. Measurables are taken from the DC Wiki. Commentary is borrowed from the Hive Mind.
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| Defensive end- Bane 6'8", 350 lbs |
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| Nose tackle- Doomsday 8'10", 915 lbs |
Dude killed Superman. Need I say more?
More than physical attributes, most football talking heads praise the "non-stop motors" of defensive linemen. A defensive lineman with a non-stop motor can singlehandedly disrupt an offense by forcing the QB to try and make plays outside their comfort zone. Kalibak is one of those rare players who has both impressive physical skills and a non-stop motor. And the reason that he has a non-stop motor is because he has constantly trying to impress his apathetic father, Darkseid. Despite constantly having his affections rebuffed, poor old Kalibak will keep trudging out there, play after play, trying to sack the QB to get that long-desired 'attaboy' from his emotionally distant father.
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| Defensive end- Kalibak 7'9", 810 lbs |
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| Outside linebacker- Grodd 6'6", 600 lbs |
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| Inside linebacker- Ultra-humanite 7', 600 lbs |
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| Outside linebacker- Black Adam 6'3", 250 lbs |
All you have to know is that this guy can go toe-to-toe with Superman. But I'll tell you more. Black Adam has all of the abilities you'd look for in a linebacker- speed, strength, a chip on his shoulder, and the ability to summon magical lightning. Oh, and he is a vicious tackler. Forget about trying to separate the ball from the ballcarrier- Black Adam has that old school disposition of trying to separate the ball-carrier from the ball carrier. And this will come in handy for the Stars. Football is largely a mental game played out in a physical arena. As such, the ability to dictate what your opponent does because you're "in their head" is a huge advantage that transcends measurables. Black Adam will play the role of football bouncer. Nightcrawler getting a little cocky after a big play? He won't be showboating after Black Adam rips his tail off. Black Panther gets a first down and channels his inner Roy Williams?
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| Not that Roy Williams. Although I'm sure he channels this Roy in the bathrooms of Wakanda. |
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| Um, no. Wait, what? No. NO. |
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| Closer, but this Roy plays defense. Or at least he used to, before his career went in the toilet. |
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| There we go. First down, Marvel! |
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| Cornerback- Mr. Freeze 6', 190 lbs |
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| Cornerback- Plastic Man 6'1", 178 lbs (variable height) |
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| Safety- Deathstroke 6'4", 225 lbs |
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| Safety- Nightwing 5'10", 175 lbs |
Look, just because I wanted Batman studying film in the Batcave and preparing a foolproof gameplan doesn't mean that I don't want him out on the field too. And what better way to get the best of both worlds than to have Nightwing on the roster? Batman's most successful disciple has many of the impressive physical and mental abilities that Batman does, but without all the psychological issues.
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| Defensive coordinator- Brainiac 13 |
That concludes our look at the rosters of the Marvel Machine and the DC Stars. The stage is now set. The pieces are in play. Events have been put into motion. So how does this all play out? I'll tell you- next week.
PIC-
Roy Williams- http://mnjails.info/images2/ernest-roy-williams-1103602.jpg
Roy Williams (coach)- http://www.midwestsportsfans.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/10/roy-williams.jpg
Roy Williams (DB)- http://sports.popcrunch.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/06/roy-williams.jpg
Roy Williams (WR)-http://old.dallasnews.com/sharedcontent/dws/pt/photos/2009/09/090913_NS_13WilliamsSignal.jpg
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Wits end
I am literally at my wits end with this potty training business. My son will not/can not take a dump on the toilet. He knows when he has to go. He reaches down and puts his hand by his bottom when he has to- so I know he knows when there is an urge. I tell him if he feels that urge, he needs to do it on the potty. And yet somehow, for some reason, he does not go on the potty.
At this point, I am pissed off beyond measure. That probably makes me a horrible parent, and I realize that- but I don't know what to do. A flood of anger and frustration just bubbles up inside of me every time this happens. It isn't conducive to the process- but I can't change it. I can't change it. I know it creates a cyclical traumatic experience with the whole idea of potty training. I'm not being a monster on purpose.
And it's not like having Sara around more would help- if anything, he does worse with her.
I get so pissed because I literally see no end to this. I feel like we have just reached the pinnacle and my son is unable to understand that he needs to do this. This makes me feel very unfatherly things about my son. It makes me angry with my son. I don't want to- but at this point, I don't know how to make the separation. I don't know how to get back to a place where I have compassion and understanding for his accidents. If they're even accidents.
So there it is. I'm a horrible parent. Now if you excuse me, I'm off to bang my head against the wall because my blood is still boiling.
At this point, I am pissed off beyond measure. That probably makes me a horrible parent, and I realize that- but I don't know what to do. A flood of anger and frustration just bubbles up inside of me every time this happens. It isn't conducive to the process- but I can't change it. I can't change it. I know it creates a cyclical traumatic experience with the whole idea of potty training. I'm not being a monster on purpose.
And it's not like having Sara around more would help- if anything, he does worse with her.
I get so pissed because I literally see no end to this. I feel like we have just reached the pinnacle and my son is unable to understand that he needs to do this. This makes me feel very unfatherly things about my son. It makes me angry with my son. I don't want to- but at this point, I don't know how to make the separation. I don't know how to get back to a place where I have compassion and understanding for his accidents. If they're even accidents.
So there it is. I'm a horrible parent. Now if you excuse me, I'm off to bang my head against the wall because my blood is still boiling.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Marvel vs. DC- The DC Stars (offense)
Last week, I entered into a great philosophical debate with myself about which comic book superheroes would make for great football players. It wasn't pretty- tempers flared, hurtful words words were exchanged, a hit may or may not have been ordered, but in the end, I (we?) agreed on a cohesive, dominant Marvel roster that would surely take on all comers. At the very least, they should be able to take out the Minnesota Vikings (NFC North burn!).
So for this week, I was charged with the task of finding for them a worthy adversary from their rival universe, DC. And that's what I did. Because I'm the taskMaster. Not to be confused with the Taskmaster- he's a Marvel super-villian.
Pictures are taken from comicvine.com. Measurables are taken from the DC Wiki. And commentary is taken from the mind of AWESOME!!!!
Really I could have plugged Supes in just about anywhere and it would have made sense. After all, he can pretty much do anything. But I figured he would be a great QB for the DC Stars for a few reasons.
Besides- weren't those dreamy eyes made to scan defenses and read coverages?
Being a Detroit Lions fan in my formative football years, I was annually treated to the joy that was watching Barry Sanders run. Of particular joy to me was to read and listen to all the really smart football guys, coaches and defensive players on other teams talk about how they hated playing against Barry. They would say things about how they "couldn't sleep" and the thought of playing against him "gave them nightmares".
So when assembling the DC roster, I eschewed the normal attributes for a RB, and thought- What if the RB could literally inspire fear in the defense? What if he actually drew his power from the fear of each and every living creature across the known universe- and he could harness that fear as light energy through a special piece of jewelry? Thus Sinestro became a part of the team. I'm sure athletically he'll be fine (even though with those proportions I'm worried about the Hulk snapping him like a toothpick), but his ability to strike literal fear into the defense will go a long way in covering up any sort of deficiency in his abilities. Besides, this is really Superman's show. The other players are just there to make him look good. Not that it is a difficult thing to do.
Aside from being a hulking behemoth in his own right, Kilowog has a Green Lantern Ring, which means that he can pretty much make anything his mind can conceive of. Could that come in handy? Ya think? Seriously, think of the implications- need to stay in and block for the QB? Brick wall! Can't quite reach that outlet pass? Giant pair of hands! Seconds ticking away to victory? Tub of Gatorade!
Have you watched the Patriots at all this year? I sure have- because Tom Brady is my Fantasy Football QB. And my Fantasy Football team is awesome. Did you really think I would go this whole series without mentioning Fantasy Football? Anyways, if you've followed the Pats, you've seen the kind of damage that mighty-mite Wes Welker has been able to inflict on opposing defenses. Now imagine if Welker could run Mach 10, vibrate through solid objects, and harness the power of the Speed Force. Not that Bill Belichik would care- he'd still probably try to spread the ball around like the offense is some complex game of hot potato.
With so many speedsters in the DCU (our Flash is Barry Allen, by the way. I'm not sure why there are so many different Flashes), why have Aquaman at the other WR position? Why not put another DC speedster out there? Maybe Zoom? Or how about Professor Zoom? Kid Zoom Kid Flash? Black Flash? Max Mercury?
Because I wanted to be a little more creative than that. And what's more creative than putting an Atlantean sea-dweller who has a prosthetic left hand that is usually a sword into a land-based game at a position that usually requires two hands? That's pretty freaking creative, eh? Besides, on this team Aquaman is a glorified third tackles. I mean, look at who our QB is. Seriously, look at him.
Amazo, on the other hand, will probably be like Jimmy Graham or Rob Gronkowski on this team and catch tons of passes for lots of yards and touchdowns. You should know that I have both of those TEs on my Fantasy Football team. And my team is awesome- just sayin'! In addition to being really tall, Amazo is notable for his ability to replicate the powers of any meta-human he comes in contact with. This opens up an entire world of options on the offense. Think about Amazo. Now think about the Marvel defense. Now think about Amazo replicating any of their powers- do you see why this is amazing? Or should I say- Amazoing?
Swamp Thing has his own set of skills and abilities which are probably all fine and dandy. But he is really only here because of his ability to speak to, influence, and manipulate plant life. Quick botany lesson- grass is a plant. So not only do the Marvel defenders have to worry about what the DC offense is doing, they have to worry about what the grass is doing.
I want to talk about the interior of the DC offensive line as one. Partly because the three of them have some physical similarities that would seem to make them poor choices to serve as interior offensive linemen, and partly because I'm tired of writing about offensive linemen. Oh, excuse me- offensive linepeople. At first glance, these three don't fit the dimensions of a typical guard or center. Clayface is 180? Beast Boy, a whopping 150 lbs? And the 7' Big Barda is all of 197 lbs? Does DC realize how ridiculous it is to have a 7'0" chick that weights less than 200 lbs? She'd look like this:
But on this line, with this team, size doesn't matter. Let's be clear here- the offense is predicated on Superman either running some sort of read-option play or firing a quick slant/WR screen to the Flash. So the Stars don't really need maulers in the trenches. They just need lineme..sorry, linepeople to interfere with and annoy the defense. Clayface can muck up any sort of defensive interference. Big Barda might have Barbie-like proportions, but she's Superman-strong and also has Apokolyptian combat training. Beast Boy, in addition to literally being annoying, can transform into any animal in the history of ever. He could transform into a woolly mammoth for those short yardage plays or into a green crow to fly in the face of the defender on a screen pass.
I know, I know- I'm brilliant. You don't have to wait, you can tell me now.
Rounding out the offensive line is Alloy, a little-known character from an alternate future. All you have to know is that he is most likely tall and is formed by all of the Metal Men combining together. That's where he gets his name. Alloy. Because he's an alloy. Yeah, I'm tired of writing about the O-line.
Pretty much insert whatever I wrote about Bullseye in the Marvel article and put it here, except replace 'sociopath who can turn any object into a weapon and is renowned for his deadly accuracy' with 'playboy millionaire politician with leftist leanings'. Actually, I guess you could just repeat the quote, verbatim.
Kick/punt returns- Superman and Flash. Again with the obvious.
You're probably surprised that I didn't suit up Batman given his years of martial arts training, special gadgets, and enhanced levels of strength and endurance. But as great as Batman is in the arena, he's perhaps more devastating outside of it. His meticulous preparation and legendary detective skills will serve him best in the film room, as he analyzes secretly obtained video footage of the Marvel practices. Give him a week, and he can figure out a way to beat the Marvel Machine. Give him two weeks- there's no way DC can lose.
Lex here got the OC gig for a couple reasons. First of all, he's always trying to pull some crazy real estate schemes. Well isn't that what football is? Just a series of choreographed skirmishes designed to take control of or defend bits of territory? Second, who knows Superman's weaknesses better than Luthor? As long as we can convince him that they're working together just for right now, he can put together a gameplan to take full advantage of Supermans' strengths and stay away from his weaknesses...like cheerleaders.
So who does DC plan to employ to stop the high-powered Marvel attack? Tune in on Friday to know for sure!
Non-comicvine PICS- Clark (football)-http://26.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_l8z7ucfHOo1qb2sdzo1_500.jpg
Clark- http://media.comicvine.com/uploads/1/12780/640067-tom_welling_super.jpg
Clark 2- https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHg5jgWTo-_emJ_RmBnbF6Lzea78VTSl6GKyHixhmmG9NIfa9WWnJK85CDsIOL1DFy96V8LQby2TjmCP7obVcEgXKhisyUQhDO1yfh6sK_awubZWLldk3XQZOVjjqw9Q6MVLiwqW2Lye8/s1600/tom-welling+(1).jpg
Manute Bol- http://socialightent.files.wordpress.com/2010/06/061910-manute-bol-gallery-sw-9_20100619150512_600_400.jpg
Lana Lang- http://assets.nydailynews.com/img/2009/09/17/gal_cheer_smallville_kristin-kreuk.jpg
So for this week, I was charged with the task of finding for them a worthy adversary from their rival universe, DC. And that's what I did. Because I'm the taskMaster. Not to be confused with the Taskmaster- he's a Marvel super-villian.
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| And you know what makes me a super-villain? Presentation! |
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| Quarterback- Superman 6'3", 235 lbs |
- Faster than a speeding bullet. That's pretty fast- but how fast is it exactly? Let's figure this out. One of the fastest guns I could find Internet information on is from the .220 Swift, which has a muzzle velocity of over 4,000 feet per second. Using a simple formula I also found in cyberspace, (B*3600)/5280, where B=bullet speed in feet/second, 3,600=number of seconds in an hour, and 5,280=number of feet in a mile, that comes out to about 2,727 miles per hour (mph). When you figure that most police officers will give you cushion of about 10 mph, you are looking at a speeding bullet going around 2,740 mph. And Superman is faster!
- More powerful than a locomotive. Fact: Locomotives are now commonly referred to as "trains". That's pretty strong. Combined with his amazing speed, trying to tackle Superman would probably be like trying to tackle a semi-truck that was traveling at the speed of light. Or a train traveling at the speed of a bullet. Either way- Superman is more powerful!
- Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. I don't know if that will help him on a football field, but it sure will help him out at the combine.
Besides- weren't those dreamy eyes made to scan defenses and read coverages?
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| How can I be expected to tackle you, Superman- you are just too beautiful! |
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| Runningback- Sinestro 6'7", 205 lbs |
So when assembling the DC roster, I eschewed the normal attributes for a RB, and thought- What if the RB could literally inspire fear in the defense? What if he actually drew his power from the fear of each and every living creature across the known universe- and he could harness that fear as light energy through a special piece of jewelry? Thus Sinestro became a part of the team. I'm sure athletically he'll be fine (even though with those proportions I'm worried about the Hulk snapping him like a toothpick), but his ability to strike literal fear into the defense will go a long way in covering up any sort of deficiency in his abilities. Besides, this is really Superman's show. The other players are just there to make him look good. Not that it is a difficult thing to do.
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| (Faints) |
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| Fullback- Kilowog 7'8", 720 lbs |
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| Wide receiver- Flash 6', 195 lbs |
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| Wide receiver- Aquaman 6'1, 325 lbs |
Because I wanted to be a little more creative than that. And what's more creative than putting an Atlantean sea-dweller who has a prosthetic left hand that is usually a sword into a land-based game at a position that usually requires two hands? That's pretty freaking creative, eh? Besides, on this team Aquaman is a glorified third tackles. I mean, look at who our QB is. Seriously, look at him.
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| Lock eyes, from across the room... |
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| Tight end- Amazo 8'5", 385 lbs |
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| Tackle- Swamp Thing Variable height, weight |
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| Guard- Clayface 5'11", 180 lbs (variable with mass) |
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| Center- Big Barda 7'0", 197 lbs |
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| Guard- Beast Boy 5'8", 150 lbs (variable) |
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| Uh, okay Manute- you see that big, angry, 1400 lbs green guy over there? On the next play, you block him. |
I know, I know- I'm brilliant. You don't have to wait, you can tell me now.
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| Tackle- Alloy Unknown |
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| Kicker/Punter- Green Arrow 6'2", 195 lbs |
Kick/punt returns- Superman and Flash. Again with the obvious.
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| Head coach- Batman |
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| Offensive coordinator- Lex Luthor |
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| Trust me Clark- stay away from women. They come from strange planets and will sap you of your strength. |
Non-comicvine PICS- Clark (football)-http://26.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_l8z7ucfHOo1qb2sdzo1_500.jpg
Clark- http://media.comicvine.com/uploads/1/12780/640067-tom_welling_super.jpg
Clark 2- https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHg5jgWTo-_emJ_RmBnbF6Lzea78VTSl6GKyHixhmmG9NIfa9WWnJK85CDsIOL1DFy96V8LQby2TjmCP7obVcEgXKhisyUQhDO1yfh6sK_awubZWLldk3XQZOVjjqw9Q6MVLiwqW2Lye8/s1600/tom-welling+(1).jpg
Manute Bol- http://socialightent.files.wordpress.com/2010/06/061910-manute-bol-gallery-sw-9_20100619150512_600_400.jpg
Lana Lang- http://assets.nydailynews.com/img/2009/09/17/gal_cheer_smallville_kristin-kreuk.jpg
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