Draftstravaganza 2012: The entrée

After enduring the bitter defeat of not getting onto the Fantasy Island (which I survived by convincing myself that I was one of the last cuts) and wallowing in the filth of my own misery, it's back to work.  After all, this blog isn't just going to write itself!

So let's talk about my draft....hmmmm....what can I say about my draft...I don't know?  I just don't know.  Yeah, that's it.  I'm running on the platform of my consistent and well-documented incompetence.

I had a hard time getting excited about anyone's prospects this year.  Maybe I've read too many smart articles (smarticles?).  Maybe I've watched too much soccer the past couple of years and I'm anticipating a bunch of ridiculously low scoring games, culminating the New England Patriots advancing from the group stage with an 2-13-1 (wins/draws/losses in soccer land) record and winning the Super Bowl on penalty kicks.  Whatever the case, there were really no instances where my name came up in the draft and I thought 'Oh my goodness, I can't believe no one else had the foresight to draft this league-winning touchdown machine'.  It was more like 'Oh my goodness, I paid $30 to draft this guy?  In this round???'.

Plus, in my defense...it didn't help that I was trying really hard to sit there at the kitchen table to just do my draft, and all these other things kept happening.  I had to give the kids a bath, my brother's girlfriend came over (so they forced me to get off the computer and go meet her), I didn't get much sleep (we went to a baseball game the night before), my mom made white chili (I'll let you use your imagination as to why that was a distraction), I forgot how to read...

This Fantasy Football draft thing is so hard!

But whatever.  The great ones can shake off distractions like Jason Bourne getting accosted at the consulate.  And yes, not only did I imply that I am great, but that my greatness is on par with Jason Bourne.  So this is where I give you my 2012 draft to make your own judgment of my abilities.  Just as long as you're not making that assessment by actual on-field performance or something arbitrary like that.

Round 1
Didn't get: Greg Jennings, WR- I was pretty locked into getting a running back here anyways, especially since running backs were flying off the board with the quickness.  Unfortunately, I sort of got caught with my pants down and ended up with...
Frank Gore, RB Your first round pick can potentially ruin your feelings about your entire draft, as I found out this past weekend.  I realize I'm painting myself into a "John Henry regret" corner by saying this- but I'm not very excited about Frank Gore.  Frank, I really hope it doesn't make this awkward around the clubhouse this year, but I just...well, I just planned on a couple other running backs being available, and then they weren't and I really hadn't researched you but you were the only name at the top of the RB board that I recognized and I panicked and then I read what Matthew Berry had to say and I...look, no hard feelings, okay?  Just try not to suck/get hurt, we'll make it through this year and I'll dump you back in the draft proper.
Of course, I could have had: Andre Johnson, WR-  At least he's a guy I wouldn't have taken anyways (injured last year, plays for a ground-n-pound type team), so that was some consolation for my inconvenient first round.

Round 2
Didn't get: Mike Wallace, WR- One of those guys I wouldn't have drafted unless it was the last round and the entire NFC had been whisked off to Secret Wars.  Holdout, new offensive system, with an up-and-comer at the same position (Antonio Brown)-sorry Mike Wallace, you're going to have to play your 60 Minutes for someone else (eh, eh?  Did you see what I did there?).  And then I went for...
Julio Jones, WR.  Not that I necessarily wanted to, mind you.  I would have probably felt amazing about Jones in round 4 and pretty good in round 3.  Here in round 2 though, it feels a little feels like a reach (with the injury troubles last season and the fact that I'm not the biggest Matty Ice fan)...but I really didn't like any of the WRs at that spot and didn't want to miss out on the top WRs.  So, welcome to the Snow Flurries...now is that J-J-Jewelio or H-H-Who-lio?  This is not a trivial question.  I'm going to be on a first name (or abbreviation) basis with you this season, and I need to know whether to refer to you as JJ or HJ.
Could have had: Michael Turner, RB- It would have been neat to nab Turner somewhere, just to see him add to his career Snow Flurry point totals.  Of course, Turner is on the wrong side of the 30/30 something, and if there's one thing we don't do here with the Snow Flurries, it's spend high draft picks on old running backs who have some injury history and are at or approaching the age of 30.  Oh, hey there, Frank......it's only awkward if we let it be.

Round 3
Didn't get: BenJarvus Green-Ellis- I suppose he could have a solid/really good season for the Bengals this year (obviously someone thought so, they drafted him in the third round)- I've just never been a huge fan of the Law Firm.  I mean the player.  The nickname?  It's golden. Anyways I went ahead and drafted...
Stevan Ridley, RB Another pick that feels like a reach (and yes, I'm really regretting my half-assed 'attempt' at preparation), nonetheless Ridley had some bright moments in 2011 and with the Law Firm setting up his practice in Cincy, Ridley's Believe-it-or-not could be a great pick, especially if he gets dibs on the goal line carries that are now up for grabs.  Plus- Shane Vereen, his main competitor, suffered a preseason injury that I'm hoping gives RBI (yes, you just witnessed me co-opting a nickname and then abbreviating it because it was too freaking long) the upper hand in the competition.
Could have had: Steve Smith (Panthers).  Perhaps even more than Cam Newton, Smith was the biggest surprise to come out of the Carolina resurgence.  The difference in 2012 is that Newton still has his prime to hit, while Smith fumbled his out of bounds about 3 autumns ago. 

Round 4
Didn't get: Miles Austin, WR- If this was 2010, I might be a little angry that someone had the wherewithal to pick Austin right before I did.  But he hasn't produced at that high of a level since then, and besides- if I was going to reach for a receiver who had a legendary season and then fell back to Earth, with a 2012 prognosis riddled with question marks, I was gonna draft...
Dwayne Bowe, WR Take the Prodigal Son.  Marinate in some That Part Where Aslan Died.  Mix in a little bit of Willow, a dash of August Rush, and a pinch of Chuck Bass and Blair Waldorf.  Stir in some Lord of the Rings and 'Luke, I am your father'.  Sprinkle on some zest of 'You had me at hello'.  That is the appetizer to the entree that is epic awesomeness of Dwayne Bowe coming home this season.  Please, please- don't talk to me about Matt Cassel and the hold out until tomorrow.  Right now, it's all about Dwayne. 
I guess I could have had: DeSean Jackson, WR- Maybe?  But there's no one else I would have rather had here, right now, than Dwayne Bowe, forever the Adrian to my Rocky.

Round 5
Didn't get: Percy Harvin, WR- For the first time, I kick myself a little (but only a little- and even then, only after reading some statistics of the Harvin/Ponder connection late in the season) for not getting a chance at someone.  But then I remember that this guy's bones are made of peanut brittle, and I relax a little and go for....
Aaron Hernandez, TE I'm not sure about this pick- it sort of feels like a reach, but it could also be a steal.  I was going to go for a back-up QB here, but then there was a little mini-run on TEs and so I wanted to make sure I got a decent starter.  While the Gronk will probably get the lion's share of the catches and TDs, Brady spreads the ball around enough (and New England runs enough two TE sets) to make Hernandez a solid starter here.
Could have had:Fred Davis, TE- This is less of an indictment on Davis and more of a testament to my faith in Brady and the Patriots system (which itself is a symptom of my situational amnesia).  Davis would have probably been a better pick for me- but I think that Hernandez is going to be just as solid with more upside (even if Belichik did mysteriously erase Hernandez from existence for a very crucial week during my 2010 season).

Round 6
Didn't get: Kevin Smith, RB- One thing being a Lions fan has taught me over the years is that you never, ever, EVER draft a Lions RB (Barry Sanders not withstanding).  This is not a team with a proud history of ball toters.  So Kevin Smith was not a player I had in my sights this year.  Which is good, I suppose, because it allowed me to draft...
Philip Rivers, QB Hey hey hey, let's calm down people!  Yes, I know that I already have Tom Brady, and barring injury there's no way that Rivers sees the field.  So what gives?  Isn't round 6 sort of high to buy a back-up QB?  Perhaps.  Nay, probably.  But to me, this pick was all about leveraging assets.  There was no other player at this spot in the draft that I felt was worth as much as Phillip Rivers.  Rivers is a known commodity, a top-10 QB year in and year out.  Simply put, this was a value pick for me.  Rivers is a guy that gives me immediate relief in the short term should something happen to Brady (vigorously searching for some wood to knock the crap out of) and if both Rivers and Brady are hot, then I can try and deal Rivers for some other players at positions I'll likely be needing (no offense, rounds 1-5 guys).  And if both somehow happen to suck?  Well, then I'm screwed regardless. 
Could have had:Tony Gonzalez, TE- I suppose it's possible that in the end I should have taken Gonzalez instead of Hernandez a round back.  Gonzalez may not have the upside, but he's also a known commodity at this point and unlike Hernandez, he won't be sharing a lot of TE targets.  And now I've gone and talked myself out of Aaron Hernandez.  Well that's just great!

Round 7
Didn't get: Cedric Benson, RB- Another guy I never really had my sights on.  In a couple months, he'll join the 30/30 something club, and going to a new scheme where Aaron Rodgers is king- it just doesn't feel like a good fit (for real or for fantasy)  So I got this guy instead...
Darius Moore, WR As I look back over my draft, one word comes instantly to mind- REACH. 

Which sucks, come to think about it

As in, I probably picked many of my players a round or more ahead of where I could have got them.  Moore is one of those guys.  I think pretty highly of him, actually- Carson Palmer should look more like Carson and less like Jordan Palmer this year, and the Experts think pretty highly of his potential.  It's just that I probably could have had him a little later on.  Then again...
Could have had: Packers D- If people are already breaking out the defenses, I could have had him a lot later.  Great.  Just. Fricking. Great.

Well, that's rounds 1-7 of my great mistake 2012 draft.  In the interest of keeping your interest, I've decided to take what was supposed to be a one-and-done draft recap and turn it into an epic Trilogy.  Except unlike Star Wars and Lord of the Rings, I definitely saved the retreads and long-shots for last.  So...we'll see you next week?

PIC- http://www.quickmeme.com/meme/3ptwl9/

Swallow sadness, send some faxes

Today, Grantland announced their winners for the Fantasy Island contest- an exclusive club which I am not a member of.  Today, I again experienced the heartache of misplaced hope.  Today, as it will probably be known forevermore (or at least for the next couple days) as Doomsday, or maybe just the day that I realized this one thing- that I really am not good enough.

Yes, there's a little bit of self-loathing going on here, I'll admit it.  It's just that the overarching theme of this summer has been 'Not good enough'.  I was one of two candidates for a job earlier this summer.  Guess who got it.  Not good enough.  There was another opportunity later that would have put that one to shame.  Not good enough.  And now, this.  A chance to write on a topic I love in a format that I would probably be pretty good at- just not good enough.  

So, once again, even after trying to convince myself that I wasn't going to take my chances too seriously or get my hopes up too high, I find myself picking up the pieces again.  Wondering what's next again.  Well, I know what's next- working as a special education aide for peanuts.  I apologize if I seem bitter- it's just that I keep having people say 'something better out there' when it seems like all of the better things serve only to be the laser pointer to my cat-like curiosity and result in me wildly chasing them around, looking like an idiot to everyone in the world- except me, who can't figure out where the hell that red light keeps going off to.

Since I didn't enter the winners circle, I suppose there's no harm in sharing my submission for Fantasy Island.  Obviously it's not great, but I feel like it's me and that's all I can give, right?  Even if it's not good enough.

Do you want to know what sets me apart from all the other Fantasy Football “experts” on the Internet?  Simple—I finished 11-2 last year, led the league in scoring…and promptly flamed out of the playoffs in my first game.  That makes me the Peyton Manning of Fantasy Football.  Clearly, then, you shouldn’t miss my Top Five Fantasy Players of 2012.

5.  Arian Foster: I’ve never been a huge Arian Foster fan—mostly because he has a history of making me look like an idiot.  As Martin Niemöller (maybe) once said:

In 2009 he came to me in the 16^th round and I passed, because Arian who?

In 2010 he came to me in the 5^th round and I passed, because I wasn’t paying attention.

In 2011 he came to me in the 1^st round and I passed, because I believed 2010 was a fluke.

In 2012 I tried to trade for him, and I almost got laughed out of the league.

Foster’s a certified stud because he’s one of the last of the bell-cow backs and also plays an integral role in Houston’s passing game.  I just have one question—is it too late to hop on the bandwagon?

4.  Cam Newton: Confession time—who saw this kid coming last year?  Besides me, I mean.  Because I totally drafted Cam Newton last year.  Sure, it was a throw-away Mr. Irrelevant pick and in a cautionary tale of Fantasy Football hazing gone wrong I cut him days later when the rosters had to be set at 16.  Guess I showed him though!

I have Newton at number 4 because even though there’s no way he puts up PlayStation numbers again, I wouldn’t bet against him.  Newton spent his offseason doing things like making regular underwear obsolete and loading up on electrolytes (Electrolytes!) –which suggests he’s poised to lead his (your) team to victory.  Or at least a killer stat line. 

3.  Jimmy Graham: This spot was a toss-up between Graham and Rob Gronkowski.  In the end, I went with Jimmy because he was responsible for giving me approximately zero psychological scars this summer.  Gronk, meanwhile, was my own personal ‘Einhorn is a man’ moment (at least he went laces out though).  Besides, no less an expert than Drew Brees (who helped make the former-college-basketball-playing-tight-end a ‘thing’) said “the sky is the limit” for Graham.  Science flash—the sky is like 109,120 yards high.  Do you know how many fantasy points that is?  Well, it depends on how your league scores…but it’s probably a lot. 

2.  Calvin Johnson: Look, the Madden curse is real, so let’s just put that card out on the table.  Still, I have reason to believe that Johnson will not go the way of Peyton Hillis, and it totally has nothing to do with the fact that my psychiatrist told me I should try and be more positive.  It has everything to do with these numbers—6, 5, 4.35, and 42.5.  As in, 6’5”, 4.35 40 yard dash and 42.5” vertical leap.  That type of sick natural ability transcends superstition.  And if Stafford stays healthy again, then we could…OH GOD, WHY DID CALVIN GET ON THE MADDEN COVER????

1. Tom Brady: In the post-concussion-awareness NFL, any QB could potentially throw for 5,000+ yards and crap-ton o’ touchdowns and be a top fantasy prospect.  So how did I choose Brady?  Rather than drawing names out of a hat like most of my contemporaries, I designed this ultra-complicated and definitely-not-fake formula that unfortunately was destroyed in a mysterious house fire (okay, I actually just played ‘eeny, meeny, miney, moe’).  The point is  that I was able to definitively determine that Tom Brady will be the absolute bestest, most awesomest Fantasy Football player in 2012.

Unless, of course, he’s not.

Bonus time!  My top sleeper:  Mike Williams (the Tampa Bay one).  Hey, I don’t blame you for sleeping on this guy.  I mean, even I spent last season walking that line between pleading for production and having to be restrained from punching him right in the face.  It wasn’t long ago, however, that Williams had almost 1,000 yards and 11 touchdowns.  2012 finds Williams in better shape, with less defensive attention (thanks, VJ!) and the opportunity to line up in different spots to draw more favorable match-ups.  And he’s sporting a Sunnah beard.  If he can fit that sucker inside his chin strap, you have to feel pretty good about his chances to come back from Fantasy Hell in 2012.

Draftstravaganza 2012: The appetizer

First of all- I can't believe I hadn't ever mushed 'Draft' and 'Extravaganza' into 'Draftstravaganza' before.  It's incredible!  Now that I've done it once, I feel like I'll do it again and again and again until I feel the same way I did as a 12-year old when I thought I had coined the phrase 'silent-but-deadly'- a virtuoso of creative genius just waiting to get smacked in the face by the realization that pretty much everybody else in history had done the same thing. 

It's funny what 11-2 can do.  The last couple years, I put in zero prep time.  And as much as I'd like to say that my lack of prep time actually helped me to a league-best regular season mark, the fact that I nabbed Tom Brady in the first round and stole Jordy Nelson/Jimmy Graham in later rounds (both of which I had seen star in the previous seasons' playoffs) probably had something (READ: everything) to do with that.  This year, in an effort to not suck again I studied up like crazy.  Well, okay, so actually I just read a couple articles by Bill Barnwell and a couple of Bleacher Report lists.  Still, comparing my preparation time with last years, I was a veritable Marshall Eriksen.

From the National Studying Hall of Fame induction banquet, 2005

However, don't let the flashy new name and feigned preparation fool you (although if you did, that would help immensely)- this is a draft recap brought to you by Jason Parks, which means you're going to get the rundown of whether I would like to draft my previous years draft picks, and my pre-season thoughts about my draft picks.  As an added bonus, I'm going to be adding a little blurb about the player picked directly before my choice and the one immediately following.  My hope is that this will give you a little more context to my selections, as well as giving you more bang for your buck.

But first things first-which of my 2011 picks was I looking to nab for the 2012 squad?

1 Tom Brady, QB: After a record-setting 2011 campaign, I had the good fortune to keep Brady for the rest of forever.  Which I will be doing, by the way.

2 Darren McFadden, RB: A guy I really would have liked to have again- a supreme talent whose skill level is only matched by his inability to stay healthy.  And since he's probably going to get picked early because of his talent, I'm not planning on getting him.

3 Matt Forte, RB: Despite getting injured last season (and likely single handedly keeping me from winning in the playoffs...just saying), Forte had 163 points last year (6th most all time) and is my second keeper.  That said, I desperately want to make sure I end up with his back-up, Michael Bush.  Just in case...obviously...you know...okay, can we keep going?

4 Mike Williams, WR (Tampa): Mike Williams 2.Tampa is not really on my radar at this time.  Well, that's not entirely true.  He is sort of on my radar.  Because I have a heat-seeking missile  with his name on it set to deploy if he comes within a 100 yards of Snow Flurry HQ.  Freaking Mike Williams

5 Beanie Wells, RB: The consolation prize to McFadden in the 'Talented Backs Who Have A Significant Injury History'.  Unfortunately for Beanie, I'm not playing that game this year.

6 Brandon Lloyd, WR:  While Lloyd is probably in a fairly awesome fantasy scenario (reunited with Josh McDaniels, catching balls from Tom Brady), I'm not going to really go out of my way to look for him.  There's just too much pass catching talent in New England to go after anyone not named Gronkowski or Welker.

7 Mario Manningham, WR: Perhaps I'm harboring a little resentment for Mario leaving Michigan early when Rich Rod rolled over a hundred years of tradition, class, and excellence into town- but I can't see "upgrading" from Eli Manning to Alex Smith being a good career move.  So no.

8 Sam Bradford, QB: I'm not sure what to think about this cat.  He had a solid rookie season and is legally insane brimming with confidence.  But he's also coming off of an injury-plagued 2011 and still plays for the Rams.  I guess if I can't get any other QBs and he's still available in the 16th round...gah.  I don't know.  Flip for it?

By the way, did you notice how I utilized the cross out in back-to-back paragraphs?  Don't worry, I don't plan to use it again for awhile.  I just thought you'd like to know that I do kind of pay attention to my writing.

9 Brandon Jacobs, RB: I read this really smart sounding article about running backs and the age of 30 and steep decline- and in typical Jason Parks fashion, I went and forgot most of it.  So in the absence of solid data, I should probably just go ahead and try and draft him.

10 Jimmy Graham, TE: Oh Jimmy.  Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy.  I want you back, baby- you know I do...but once I decided to not keep you, I knew that my fellow league members would jump all over you like I basted you in Samuel L. Jackson and threw you into the Deep Blue Sea.  Just know this, Jimmy- no one can take away our magical season together.  Not even Roger Goodell.

11 Ravens Defense:  The Ravens D scored 263 points for me last year, the second most in team history.  You better believe I'm hunting these guys down.  After all, they still have Ed Reed, right?

12 Jordy Nelson, WR:  While I would never stray away from a chance to draft an Aaron Rodgers receiver, I imagine 'ol Jordy here going much, much higher than the 12th round slot I was able to nab him in.  And until he has back-to-back historical seasons, that's just a little too high for moi. 

13 Mike Williams, WR(Free Agent):  The much anticipated red-zone threat never materialized.  In fact, he never materialized so much that he dematerialized from the NFL.  Which puts his chances of being drafted by me at about 25%.

14 Greg Olsen, TE: Olsen never really saw the field for the Snow Flurries.  At all.  What, with my season-long running episode of the 'Jimmy and The Gronk' show, and Jeremy Shockey and Steve Smith taking away catches/Cam Newton hawking red zone TDs for his real team...Olsen was not nearly the factor I thought he would be.  But now Jimmy and The Gronk went all Hollywood on me, Shockey's gone, and Newton will likely see a dip in his TD scoring- which means that there is potential for a Greg Olsen in my life. 

15 Patriots Defense: They could string together a season's worth of shutouts and I still wouldn't trust this defense with a ten foot pole.  See?  SEE?  They've scarred me so much that I mixed up my metaphors. 

16 Neil Rackers, K:  I've said it before, and I'll say it again- as long as any kicker is not Nick Folk, I will always welcome him in with open arms and foot firmly planted on his butt 'just in case'.

17 Steve Breaston, WR: After Steve found out I was using him to pass secret messages to Dwayne, he stopped speaking to me.  Which is fine- I have little use for WRs that don't score.  Yeah, you heard me right Steve.  Take THAT!!!  (sniff sniff...you bastard)

18 New York (Giants) Defense:  If I can somehow land the Ravens defense, I will have little use for these guys- even if they did just win a Super Bowl.

19 Cam Newton, QB:  Wait, who is this guy?  Are you sure I drafted him last year?  Did he even play last year?

I mean other than in the NFL's annual post-season All-Star game.

So this is my frame of mine heading into the draft.  Last year I had a team that kicked names and took ass- and while I won't be able to have all of them back on my team, they'll all be welcomed back in my heart.  (Cue 'Awwwww' from studio audience)

Tune in later this week (or sometime next week...or just whenevs) to find out who I actually drafted.  And then, hold onto your butts.

'Cuz it's about to get REALZ yo.

PIC: Marshall- http://i2.listal.com/image/640245/500full.jpg
Newton- http://www1.pictures.zimbio.com/gi/Cam%2BNewton%2B2012%2BPro%2BBowl%2B8jySPI7CZtbl.jpg
Jackson- http://i.ytimg.com/vi/T9uuPza41Uw/0.jpg

An awesome opportunity it would be...if only it would happen to me

Rather than tread lightly around the subject, I'm just gonna come right out with it.  Today is (supposed to be) the day that the Bill Simmons website announces who their Fantasy Football writers are going to be.  I'm honestly trying not to think about it too much, or get my hopes up, because I imagine that they got a ton of responses- and while I usually go back and forth about my abilities as a writer, I have no misgivings about my chances here.

What gives me hope is that the competition was not about being a fanciful writer or a Ron Jaworski clone.  They simply asked for a voice (10-12 voices, actually).  Hey- I have a voice!  Thus I wrote an exquisite 750-word essay, submitted it, and put myself out there.  I have just about zero delusions of grandeur, but I firmly believe that I have what it takes to be a Fantasy Football writer. 

Why do I believe this?  Simple.  After working on this project, I went back through and read some of my previous posts about Fantasy Football and I realized something- I'm ridiculous.

Just in case you didn't realize it yet.

I'm not just ridiculous...nay, I am the King of Ridiculous!  I mean, I am the guy who spends a Sunday morning scouring the box scores of Fantasy Football games from 3 years ago to determine who his all time leading scorer is.   I am the guy that wrote about franchises being Sarlacc pits and equating injured reserve with death and...and...and...well, doggone it, I should be writing for Grantland, a website that routinely tip-toes the line between the awesome and the absurd.  And what is more absurdly awesome than me writing about my Fantasy Football exploits with this sort of self-aware-ridiculousness?

(Hint:  Nothing.  The answer you're looking for is 'nothing').  

So yes, I'll be checking my e-mail (and Grantland) today like I'm Gigi.  After all of the opportunities that fell through this summer, I sure would like to think this is the pot of gold at the end of my proverbial rope.  But whether I succeed or not (and yes, you will find out either way), one thing is for certain: later this week I will be bringing you my 2012 Fantasy Football draft report!!!

PIC: http://mavenagency.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/spoiler_alert_300_w2.jpg

The NORTH Michigan Snow Flurries All-Time Leaderboard (Yes. I did.)

Okay world.  It's time.  You can release the collective breath you were holding while you are sitting on the edge of your collective seat.  It's August, and that can only mean one thing. 

Fantasy Football is starting!

I know, I know, I wrote before how I was done writing about Fantasy Football.  But not only am I not done writing about Fantasy Football, I am going to write a separate post about how I am not done writing about Fantasy Football.  Yeah.  That's how 'not done' I am.

Today, I will complete my draft for the 2012 rendition of the Snow Flurries.  I will begin to analyze my draft in context of what I did last year and what I hope for this year (with, yup, you guessed it- yet another separate post), and prepare for the most agonizing 13 weeks of the year.

In an effort to really, REALLY amp up the excitement factor (or ridiculousness...they're so close as to be kissing, after all), I went through my past three seasons of games and figured out who scored how many points when...then I wrote all those down...and I am now honored to have the privilege of bringing to you, for the first time EVER in digital glory...the NORTH Michigan Snow Flurries All-Time Leaderboard.  Yes, folks, in case you ever wondered who my all-time leading scorer is or how many 20+ point games that Tom Brady had during his magic 2011 season...well, you don't have to wonder any more.  I figured it out for you.

You're welcome.

Besides, I didn't just do this for you.  I did it for me and my future Snow Flurries.  Because I understand the Big picture.  See, when an athlete gets drafted, they aren't just getting drafted to compete on the field for their (Year X) team.  They are competing against the legacy of your predecessors, the legend of the ghosts of sports lore.  They are competing against the expectations of the fans and the weight of all those memories.  The great ones are the ones who learn how to be themselves in the greater context of these franchises, bringing glory to themselves in pursuit of further glory for the storied franchise.  Confused?  You won't be...not after I bring the understanding. 

Think of a franchise like a big Sarlacc pit.

For some of you, this is easier to imagine than others.

The pit itself represents the franchise.  The people getting eaten are the things that bring the franchise glory- whether it be championships, wins, or what have you.  The spikes on the sides represent all of the players in the history of the franchise.  They're a part of the glorious lineage of the pit, er, franchise-, and I'm assuming that the franchise needs them- but they aren't doing as much to bring glory as those gross looking tentacle thingies...which are, of course, the superstars.  The Jeters, the Bradys, the Duncans- guys that use their skills to help drag unsuspecting victims to their 1,000-years-of-digestion death.  Also, I think I may have mixed up my metaphors.

For future Snow Flurries, our pit is sort of small and definitely hungry.  Coming into year four of our program, those lucky few will be battling the ghosts of an all-time 21-18 team that has never won a do-or-die playoff game.  Unfortunately an actual Sarlacc pit would probably be a more desirable destination.  Lucky for me, they don't get to chose.  Get drafted, get your bags packed, and get to Snow Flurries camp, punk!

Here are the top four in each category that I took the time to compile.  These lists actually go bigger, but I figure I should only reveal my awesomness in small doses to keep people from dying from second hand exposure.  You'll notice Tom Brady's 2011 all over the list.  He's the big, wriggling snake of our sarlacc pit of mediocrity.

Most Points, Game

1. 44, Tom Brady, 2011 vs. Knights
2. 39, (Tie) 
1. Denver D/ST, 2009 vs. War Machine
2. Bears D/ST, 2010 vs. El Diablo
3. 37, Ravens D/ST, 2011 vs. InUrWallet TaknEvr1s$$$$
4. 36, Dwayne Bowe, 2010 vs. Disco

Most Points, Season

1. 309, Tom Brady, 2011
2. 263, Ravens D/ST, 2011
3. 228, Ben Roethlisberger, 2009
4. 192, Donovan McNabb, 2009

Most Points, Career (Non-Defense)       

1. 309, Tom Brady, 2011
2. 306, Michael Turner, 2009-2010
3. 238, Ben Roethlisberger, 2009-2010
4. 192, Donovan McNabb, 2009

20+ point games, Season

1. 10, Tom Brady, 2011
2. 7, Ben Roethlisberger, 2009
3. 6, Ravens D/ST, 2011
4. 5, Dwayne Bowe, 2010

20+ point games, Career

1. 10, Tom Brady, 2011
2. 7, (Tie)
1. Ben Roethlisberger, 2009
2. Ravens D/ST, 2010-2011
3. 6, Michael Turner, 2009-2010
4. 5, Dwayne Bowe, 2010

And now you've tasted my brilliance.  Please excuse yourself to the restroom before spitting it into the sink.

PIC: http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb58378/starwars/images/2/25/Sarlacc-BTM-DB.jpg

From the archives: Maybe YOU'LL think next time before you write a song about destruction of property

Note: I realize this song has been out for over five years, but I heard it on the radio this morning and realized I had never shared my thoughts about it with the world.  So, um, here they are.  In make-believe form.

To: Carrie Underwood
RE: Before He Cheats

Dear Carrie,

Recently the production team at Arista Nashville flagged one of your songs ( 'Before he cheats' ) and brought it to my attention.  As your legal advisor, I have to tell you that I have reviewed the song and my legal advice for you is: DO NOT RELEASE IT.

I acknowledge that this may not be easy for you to hear.  Let me just say that I can understand the pain of being in a relationship where one person is unfaithful.  I've watched a lot of soap operas.  TONS.  But this isn't about me.  It's about you and your broken heart.  It's about empty promises and shattered trust, and your feelings of helplessness and lack of recourse.

But more than that, it's about WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING?????  ARE YOU INSANE???  Maybe he'll think next time he cheats?  How about 'Maybe I'll think next time I decide to engage in blatantly criminal actions'.  Because right now, the only person who needs a preventative prompt for their behavior is you. 

You see, Carrie, (and this is sort of huge)...we still don't know for sure that he cheated! All we have as evidence is your declaration of jilted feelings! Is there more to the story here? Did he come home late from work one night? Did you see a mysterious number on the caller ID? Did he buy you $4 diamond million ring out of the blue?  What are we going on here?  Where's your smoking gun?

It seems that your whole premise is based on some loose theories and conjectures.  Let me tell you what we know for sure: He's "probably" slow dancing with a bleached-blond tramp (nothing wrong with being a bleached blond tramp, by the way), she's "probably" getting frisky,  RIGHT NOW he's "probably" buying her some fruity little drink.  Have you ever seen Law and Order?  None of this is admissible as evidence.  As my good friend Yoda would say, "A case have not, you do".

I'm not trying to say he didn't cheat.  You don't strike me as the type of lady who would lie to millions of country music fans.  It's just...well, this really feels like a preemptive blow.  Like you're a freaking sociopath or something.  Honestly, from all that you've given us to go on, I imagine this guy is probably just too good to be true and you've been hurt before and so rather than wait around to get hurt again, you push him away...by jacking up his SUV and then cashing in your 'jilted lover' story to make a quick buck. 

Carrie, you're obviously very beautiful and very talented- but if I have to explain to you why you don't accuse someone of doing something they haven't done, vandalize the crap out of their car, and then sing about it on the radio...well, we might be looking at the end of your music career.  Or music immortality, I still haven't figured out how you can tell the difference. 

Maybe in the future you should try open and honest communication (or communication of any kind).  Maybe try journaling or find some professional help.  Because it seems like this whole thing was just a big misunderstanding.  I'll bet if he came home late, it's because he had to, you know, work late.  And the mysterious number was likely just a creditor calling because he just wrecked his credit by buying you a $4 million diamond ring.   

Regardless, it shouldn't take him too long to figure out who did this- you did carve your name into the seat and then write a song about it.  Unless he is a moron, in which case I can refer you to a dating adviser.  

In the future, I think you should try to write more songs about Jesus and His driving skills.  THAT song gave me warm fuzzies.  And hey kid, try to lighten up.  At least your ex wasn't some overrated playoff choking quarterback or something. 

Because I totally could have got behind that misdemeanor.

Reluctantly preparing for your legal defense,

Name Withheld



Pic- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tony_Romo

Love+Love=Ermahgerd

Question- when was the last time your mind was blown?  If you didn't answer 'right this second', then you're wrong.  Because it's about to be.  Check this action out.

You're welcome.

Yes friends- it's Assassin's Creed and Heroclix, brought together, like a chocolate/peanut butter combo delivered direct to the fringes of society.  I'm in, like, nerd heaven.  I love Assassin's Creed.  I love Heroclix.  To have them both together at the same time...well, it's as if you like a girl, and you also like her sister, but you can't decide...so you just decide to start dating their mom.  That's what it's like for me.  That's what I'm feeling right now. 

That said, I don't believe that I'll see the perfect iteration of Ezio in Clix form until I get to heaven.  So I do have some nits to pick.  Overall I'm pretty stoked though.  So stoked that I decided to bring you my thoughts, in blog form.  Which I'm guessing you probably already figured out.

Warning- I'll probably reduce myself to quite a bit of Heroclixese here with a little Assassinish mixed in with zero form of  translation.  I'm a terrible ambassador of my passions.  Sue me.

(Wait, wait, don't sue me- because the only items I have of value are my clix and my Assassin's Creed PS3 collection!!!!!)

What I like:

1) The pose.  I'm not too crazy about the picture of the sculpt- there's just so much detail and color in the Ezio costume and this picture makes it look like they captured exactly none of that.  Nonetheless, it's a classic Ezio pose, and very reminiscent of a Renaissance-era crotch chop.

2) The Team Ability- I'm guessing you probably don't know much about Heroclix.  Let me just tell you that stealth is pretty spectacular.  In a game where range rules, the man who can't be seen is king.  True, there are ways to circumvent stealth, but by and large, stealth affords our friend Mr. Auditore here a very effective layer of protection.  The average figure is gonna have to mosey on over to our friend here and hope that they doesn't roll doubles 1s, 2s, or 3s (or 4s if they have a sucky attack value).  Because if they do, they're gonna get a hidden blade right to the face (or something...more on that in a minute).

For the most part, the team ability really a pretty cool representation of the combat system.  They attack, they miss, you attack, you hit (and usually kill, but that wouldn't make a very fun Clix ability).  Apparently most of the local militia (also known as 'guards') were pretty much terrible combatants, dressing up in their expensive armor every morning and waiting for some ridiculously skilled assassin to engage them in a duel and then kill them.  Gloriously. 

3) Most of the powers are pretty accurate and feel authentic to the experience of Ezio.  

Name of power (actual Heroclix power).  You with me?

• Roof running (Leap/climb)- Let me just tell you that I've played four Assassins Creed games and the joy and thrill of the Leap of Faith never gets old.  NEVER.  The idea of jumping off of stories high buildings- backwards, mind you- into shallow bales of hay and/or bushes of flowers goes so far over the line of Ridiculosity that after a couple dozen of these jumps, you start to rationalize how you're able to jump right out of the hay bale and continue running through the streets.  After a hundred or so, you start to believe that not only is this feat humanly possibly, but that you yourself could do it too.  After that, your wife ties you up and throws you in the trunk every time your family stops at a building taller than ten feet.  You bet your sweet bippy that every single time I move Ezio off of some elevated terrain, I'm going to be making the eagle screech while I pick my figure up off the table and drop him onto his back in the next square. 
• Altaïr's Armor (Invulnerability)- This is such a clever nod to the game play, it's not even funny.  In the game, Altaïr uses a mystical relic, the Apple of Eden, to create the perfect armor, made out of some new mystery metal (probably unobtanium) that is extremely strong (maximum health), unbreakable- and light enough to allow "complete freedom".  Ezio usually obtains this towards the end of game play, after collecting the six seals to unlock the tomb (or something).  Assuming that most characters in the Clix-creed system have damage values of 1-2 (again...more on that in a minute), his armor will be de facto impenetrable.  Well played, WizKids...well played.
• Poison Blade (Poison)- One of the most discreet ways to kill foes is by jabbing them with the hollow blade filled with poison.  It's super effective because it's not a flashy kill- you just sort of step up to them and stick them quickly with the blade, and then the punctured person starts to flail around like a zombie doing the Monster Mash, and everybody just sort of stands back and watches (or gets nailed by a wayward zombie arm) until the deceased falls to the ground and you can totally loot them of all their stuff (if you can tolerate people talking about your blasphemy).  My two favorite things to do with poison are: 
• Go up behind a group of guards and stab one of the ones in the rear (note: I'm stabbing a guard in the rear of the group, not stabbing a guard in his personal rear), and then just watch as the rest of the guards continue on their rounds.  Either that or I get bored and just go kill the rest of the guards.  
• Bribe a herald (which cost 500 florins), stick him, and then wait until he stopped spazzing and get my money back.  I know he's just doing his job, telling all the people about the dangerous assassin, but come on, man- 500 bones?  That's a lot of dough, and I'm not made of money.  Not until late in the game, anyways.

 4) I'm 33 years old.  I've been married for seven years.  I have two children.   I graduated from college.  And I guffawed out loud when I looked up at my open Ezio-clix tab and saw that it said "Ass-creed".  Hehe.  Hehe.  Hehe.  "Ass-creed".

Of course, the grass is always Tuscan Ember-er on the other side, and signore Ezio is no exception.  Here's what I don't like:

1) If any Heroclix figure EVER deserved a special power granting combat reflexes and super senses, it's Ezio.  I mean, that's sort of the whole 'parry/dodge' combat system.  You basically just hold down that L1 button when you're being attacked, time the counter just right, and go into berserk mode with the chain kills.  I would have rather seen Ezio's defense peak at a natural 17 and have a special power granting him those two defensive powers (CR/SS) than the natural 18 with mastermind- that's how Ezio fights. 

Speaking of Mastermind....

2)  The presence of Mastermind, period.  I don't like it.  On the HCRealms discussion board, one dude eloquently described the Mastermind-special power as representing the Assassin's guild (which at this point Ezio was pretty much in charge of) and how they'd lay their lives down for the cause.  I'm actually fine with that, for the most part.  I just think that in the Clix combat system, his abilities would be better represented by the CR/SS combo.

Especially since they named the power 'Blend'.  'Blend' is obviously not sloughing off damage to some simpleton who is too inspired to know any better.  'Blend' is when Ezio is chilling with a compact group of civilians and your screen flashes wavy green and all of a sudden the guards can't see you.  In a perfect world, I would have combined 'Blend' with the team ability and made it so that Ezio could use stealth if he was adjacent to one or more friendly characters.  

3) If you've played the Assassin's Creed games, you know that Ezio is basically Batman in the 1400s.  Armed to the teeth, he has probably a couple dozen weapons to choose from and even though he doesn't have them all at once (his clothes are pretty much a bat belt though), at any given time he can kill a guard by:

• Hidden blade
• Poison blade
• Shooting a poison dart
• Throwing knives
• Dagger
• Sword
• Pistol (built into his gauntlet)
• Crossbow
• Bomb

And they represent this by a 4 range and 1 target????  I think his ranged capabilities would have been better represented by a special power giving him a choice of either 4 range with 3 targets (the throwing knives) or 8 range with 1 target (crossbow).   To me, that would have pretty much made any other shortcoming inconsequential- the fact that they missed the opportunity amplifies them instead.

Additionally, the number of 1s and 2s on the damage slot is a little disconcerting.  Would a couple of 3s killed anyone?  I mean...you know what I mean!  Sure, he's a mere man- I don't expect any Hulk-level shenanigans here.  But if Ezio comes across any sort of damage reduction at all (which, in a set bound to be populated with suits of armor, is not out of the realm of possibility), he's basically going to end up dealing out more paper cuts and scrapes than he is awesome death blows.

Pictured- Ezio dealing out awesome death blows

4)  A couple of other powers were missed, pretty egregiously I might add.  First off, his hidden blade.  I know, I know- the card says Hidden Blade (Close Combat Expert).   But when I'm ramming my hidden blade into that guards skull, it doesn't feel like I'm having my damage increased by 2- it feels like I'm dealing penetrating damage (to his brain.  And now he's dead.  BOOM).  That screams 'Exploit Weakness' to me.  Especially if they lined it up with his blades/claws/fangs, giving him the potential to deal 6 penetrating damage.  Powerful?  Sure.  But this is Ezio freaking Auditore.  This guy should be able to one-hit KO street level characters and strike fear into the hearts of more powerful foes.  Not that he doesn't do that to a degree....just not to the degree that he could/should be.

The other power blatantly missing is some form of willpower.  Pretty much any character can have an argument made for them to have willpower- but it's one of Ezio's defining characteristics.  More than the unrivaled badassness and weapons proficiency, Ezio is such a compelling character because of his drive and determination to lead humanity to the truth- even in face of sickeningly overwhelming odds, delicious conspiracies, and the death of pretty much everyone that is close to him.  He keeps plugging along through thirty-plus years and three video games.  And in the end, he's able to walk away from it all because of the love of a beautiful woman.  Which doesn't really tie into willpower at all, but seriously- Sofia is a foxy lady.

As long as you don't look at her face.  (Sorry ladies)

Overall- I do like the dial.  I'm a little discouraged by some of the shortcomings, especially since I can't see another Ezio figure coming out from this time period (there will be an Ezio from Revelations though, which gives me hope), but overall it does feel like it could be Ezio, and with the proper support (AKA, his fellow Assassins), Ezio could very well prove to be the stone-cold killer that is near and dear to my heart.

PIC- Ezio- http://heroclix.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/ass-creed-preview.jpg
Suddenly clear Clarence- http://knowyourmeme.com/photos/296645-sudden-clarity-clarence
Ezio killing- http://www.gameseyeview.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/11/Assassins-Creed-Brotherhood-Photos3.jpg
Sofia- http://images3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20110922214556/assassinscreed/images/6/68/Sofia-.png