Apologies for future ramblings. But I haven't sat down at a computer with the intention to write since New Years day- pretty much exclusively because I haven't felt like it. At all. But this morning I got that gust of inspiration (which went away almost as quickly as it came) and so here I find myself banging on the keypad trying to reincarnate that three minutes of my shower where the words were flowing in my brain like something that flows (see? Gone. Just like that.).
I think my whole moment of inspiration thing started because I was thinking about how much I just haven't had the writing bug lately. So then I started thinking about how last year at this time, I was trying to write a blog every day. Then I started thinking about how meaningless calendars are in the grand scheme, but how they help us here and now to give our lives order and help us make sense of the chaos.
Then I thought about how I'm sort of bi-polar. How sometimes I'm manic about something and then it just goes away. I started to think about all of the things I have talked about in my blog with such certainty that haven't come to fruition- and some of them that I've flat-out contradicted. Then I thought about how I myself am a walking contradiction. See when I worked at TFH, I realized over time that I had many of the presenting symptoms that the kids in our homes did. Sure, I didn't smear poop on the wall or call my bosses "f*cking b*tches"- but there were many things that I had in common with those kids (or had in common when I was a kid. Because clearly I grew up and became a model citizen).
I am guarded- but sometimes I put myself out there too far. I can think critically- but sometimes I am too quick to suspend disbelief and trust too easily. I enjoy spending time with people- but sometimes I want nothing to do with anybody.
So what am I saying? Nothing really. Like I said, the inspiration to write quickly left. But after weeks of nothing, it was nice to have that pot stirred again, and so hopefully even writing these few paragraphs of random nothingness will help keep sparking those inspired seconds and I can resume bringing you the unadulterated awesomeness that you are probably quite used to.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Sunday, January 1, 2012
A letter to 2012
To 2012,
Hey there 2k12. We just met, and I know you probably have a lot of questions about me. Quite frankly I'm not sure how much I want to share, since everybody tells me that you're likely going to end up killing me at some point in December. I hope the rumors aren't true and that we can develop a mutually beneficial and amicable relationship.
I'm sure that you talked to 2011 last night, and I'm fine with that. I don't have much to say about 2011- 2011 wasn't particularly bad or good, she was just there. Probably the worst fall I've ever had (saved merely by the fact that both of my kids started school), but we had a wonderful summer and even though she didn't give me much snow in December, she did give me a white Christmas. So that was something.
Well, maybe 'wonderful summer' is a bit strong. It was light years ahead of 2010's summer. We did a lot of fun things as a family, hung out with some cool people. But we did most of it with no money coming in while I was in-between jobs. That was pretty rough. Brutal, in fact. Definitely the biggest personal financial crisis of my life.
I'm hoping that you help me out with that, 2012. See, I got this new job a few weeks ago- and I'm loving it. LOVING it. Sure, it's not a cushy 9-5, Monday-Friday desk job- but it's the next best thing. It's at a school, working with children who have developmental disabilities. I know this might sound crazy, but it's been a lot of fun. Tiring, yes, and definitely with some stress potential, but I think that'll be minimized by the fact that I work directly with some amazing ladies and the team at the school seems to be phenomenal. I seriously feel like this is the best place I've ever worked.
I'm really worried though- because it seems like for me, good things are always a 'one step forward two steps back' affair. See before working there I had an opportunity that I thought was surefire at this one place, and it was going to give us some more money...and it fell through. It fell through hard. We-almost-didn't-recover hard, and in many ways we're still recovering. Now I've been able to move past that, and I have this terrific opportunity. So please, 2012, don't blow it for me.
See 2010 and 2011 were nice enough years and I'm sure they meant well- they just didn't really know me and my family, who we are, what we were going through- and they just sort of treated us like numbers. Which makes sense, because they're just numbers and so why shouldn't they treat us like numbers? I mean, I'm a person and I'm treating them like a person, so what do I expect, eh?
The problem is that exactly that though- we aren't just numbers, we're people. People with feelings. People who are scratching and clawing, trying desperately to make it on our own, to make our way in the world, to do something of note, something that will make some sort of impact. To do that, we need money. Yes, money is just numbers on paper- but those numbers on that paper can surprisingly bring peace of mind. Not everlasting bliss, just the bliss of not having to worry about bouncing a check to buy toilet paper.
2011 realized that- in the end. It learned from 2010s mistakes (kind of late, but hey it's better than never), started treating me decently and lo and behold- I get to meet you, 2012! Sure, there's a chance that I might spend all year with you only to have you destroy me. But there's also a chance that you'll see the great things that 2011 and I did and aspire for more. There's a chance that you'll remember that I'm a person who hurts and bleeds and can be broken- and that you'll want to keep those things from happening to me.
At least until December.
Signed with hope,
Jason
Hey there 2k12. We just met, and I know you probably have a lot of questions about me. Quite frankly I'm not sure how much I want to share, since everybody tells me that you're likely going to end up killing me at some point in December. I hope the rumors aren't true and that we can develop a mutually beneficial and amicable relationship.
I'm sure that you talked to 2011 last night, and I'm fine with that. I don't have much to say about 2011- 2011 wasn't particularly bad or good, she was just there. Probably the worst fall I've ever had (saved merely by the fact that both of my kids started school), but we had a wonderful summer and even though she didn't give me much snow in December, she did give me a white Christmas. So that was something.
Well, maybe 'wonderful summer' is a bit strong. It was light years ahead of 2010's summer. We did a lot of fun things as a family, hung out with some cool people. But we did most of it with no money coming in while I was in-between jobs. That was pretty rough. Brutal, in fact. Definitely the biggest personal financial crisis of my life.
I'm hoping that you help me out with that, 2012. See, I got this new job a few weeks ago- and I'm loving it. LOVING it. Sure, it's not a cushy 9-5, Monday-Friday desk job- but it's the next best thing. It's at a school, working with children who have developmental disabilities. I know this might sound crazy, but it's been a lot of fun. Tiring, yes, and definitely with some stress potential, but I think that'll be minimized by the fact that I work directly with some amazing ladies and the team at the school seems to be phenomenal. I seriously feel like this is the best place I've ever worked.
I'm really worried though- because it seems like for me, good things are always a 'one step forward two steps back' affair. See before working there I had an opportunity that I thought was surefire at this one place, and it was going to give us some more money...and it fell through. It fell through hard. We-almost-didn't-recover hard, and in many ways we're still recovering. Now I've been able to move past that, and I have this terrific opportunity. So please, 2012, don't blow it for me.
See 2010 and 2011 were nice enough years and I'm sure they meant well- they just didn't really know me and my family, who we are, what we were going through- and they just sort of treated us like numbers. Which makes sense, because they're just numbers and so why shouldn't they treat us like numbers? I mean, I'm a person and I'm treating them like a person, so what do I expect, eh?
The problem is that exactly that though- we aren't just numbers, we're people. People with feelings. People who are scratching and clawing, trying desperately to make it on our own, to make our way in the world, to do something of note, something that will make some sort of impact. To do that, we need money. Yes, money is just numbers on paper- but those numbers on that paper can surprisingly bring peace of mind. Not everlasting bliss, just the bliss of not having to worry about bouncing a check to buy toilet paper.
2011 realized that- in the end. It learned from 2010s mistakes (kind of late, but hey it's better than never), started treating me decently and lo and behold- I get to meet you, 2012! Sure, there's a chance that I might spend all year with you only to have you destroy me. But there's also a chance that you'll see the great things that 2011 and I did and aspire for more. There's a chance that you'll remember that I'm a person who hurts and bleeds and can be broken- and that you'll want to keep those things from happening to me.
At least until December.
Signed with hope,
Jason
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