Love+Love=Ermahgerd

Question- when was the last time your mind was blown?  If you didn't answer 'right this second', then you're wrong.  Because it's about to be.  Check this action out.

You're welcome.

Yes friends- it's Assassin's Creed and Heroclix, brought together, like a chocolate/peanut butter combo delivered direct to the fringes of society.  I'm in, like, nerd heaven.  I love Assassin's Creed.  I love Heroclix.  To have them both together at the same time...well, it's as if you like a girl, and you also like her sister, but you can't decide...so you just decide to start dating their mom.  That's what it's like for me.  That's what I'm feeling right now. 

That said, I don't believe that I'll see the perfect iteration of Ezio in Clix form until I get to heaven.  So I do have some nits to pick.  Overall I'm pretty stoked though.  So stoked that I decided to bring you my thoughts, in blog form.  Which I'm guessing you probably already figured out.

Warning- I'll probably reduce myself to quite a bit of Heroclixese here with a little Assassinish mixed in with zero form of  translation.  I'm a terrible ambassador of my passions.  Sue me.

(Wait, wait, don't sue me- because the only items I have of value are my clix and my Assassin's Creed PS3 collection!!!!!)

What I like:

1) The pose.  I'm not too crazy about the picture of the sculpt- there's just so much detail and color in the Ezio costume and this picture makes it look like they captured exactly none of that.  Nonetheless, it's a classic Ezio pose, and very reminiscent of a Renaissance-era crotch chop.

2) The Team Ability- I'm guessing you probably don't know much about Heroclix.  Let me just tell you that stealth is pretty spectacular.  In a game where range rules, the man who can't be seen is king.  True, there are ways to circumvent stealth, but by and large, stealth affords our friend Mr. Auditore here a very effective layer of protection.  The average figure is gonna have to mosey on over to our friend here and hope that they doesn't roll doubles 1s, 2s, or 3s (or 4s if they have a sucky attack value).  Because if they do, they're gonna get a hidden blade right to the face (or something...more on that in a minute).

For the most part, the team ability really a pretty cool representation of the combat system.  They attack, they miss, you attack, you hit (and usually kill, but that wouldn't make a very fun Clix ability).  Apparently most of the local militia (also known as 'guards') were pretty much terrible combatants, dressing up in their expensive armor every morning and waiting for some ridiculously skilled assassin to engage them in a duel and then kill them.  Gloriously. 

3) Most of the powers are pretty accurate and feel authentic to the experience of Ezio.  

Name of power (actual Heroclix power).  You with me?

• Roof running (Leap/climb)- Let me just tell you that I've played four Assassins Creed games and the joy and thrill of the Leap of Faith never gets old.  NEVER.  The idea of jumping off of stories high buildings- backwards, mind you- into shallow bales of hay and/or bushes of flowers goes so far over the line of Ridiculosity that after a couple dozen of these jumps, you start to rationalize how you're able to jump right out of the hay bale and continue running through the streets.  After a hundred or so, you start to believe that not only is this feat humanly possibly, but that you yourself could do it too.  After that, your wife ties you up and throws you in the trunk every time your family stops at a building taller than ten feet.  You bet your sweet bippy that every single time I move Ezio off of some elevated terrain, I'm going to be making the eagle screech while I pick my figure up off the table and drop him onto his back in the next square. 
• Altaïr's Armor (Invulnerability)- This is such a clever nod to the game play, it's not even funny.  In the game, Altaïr uses a mystical relic, the Apple of Eden, to create the perfect armor, made out of some new mystery metal (probably unobtanium) that is extremely strong (maximum health), unbreakable- and light enough to allow "complete freedom".  Ezio usually obtains this towards the end of game play, after collecting the six seals to unlock the tomb (or something).  Assuming that most characters in the Clix-creed system have damage values of 1-2 (again...more on that in a minute), his armor will be de facto impenetrable.  Well played, WizKids...well played.
• Poison Blade (Poison)- One of the most discreet ways to kill foes is by jabbing them with the hollow blade filled with poison.  It's super effective because it's not a flashy kill- you just sort of step up to them and stick them quickly with the blade, and then the punctured person starts to flail around like a zombie doing the Monster Mash, and everybody just sort of stands back and watches (or gets nailed by a wayward zombie arm) until the deceased falls to the ground and you can totally loot them of all their stuff (if you can tolerate people talking about your blasphemy).  My two favorite things to do with poison are: 
• Go up behind a group of guards and stab one of the ones in the rear (note: I'm stabbing a guard in the rear of the group, not stabbing a guard in his personal rear), and then just watch as the rest of the guards continue on their rounds.  Either that or I get bored and just go kill the rest of the guards.  
• Bribe a herald (which cost 500 florins), stick him, and then wait until he stopped spazzing and get my money back.  I know he's just doing his job, telling all the people about the dangerous assassin, but come on, man- 500 bones?  That's a lot of dough, and I'm not made of money.  Not until late in the game, anyways.

 4) I'm 33 years old.  I've been married for seven years.  I have two children.   I graduated from college.  And I guffawed out loud when I looked up at my open Ezio-clix tab and saw that it said "Ass-creed".  Hehe.  Hehe.  Hehe.  "Ass-creed".

Of course, the grass is always Tuscan Ember-er on the other side, and signore Ezio is no exception.  Here's what I don't like:

1) If any Heroclix figure EVER deserved a special power granting combat reflexes and super senses, it's Ezio.  I mean, that's sort of the whole 'parry/dodge' combat system.  You basically just hold down that L1 button when you're being attacked, time the counter just right, and go into berserk mode with the chain kills.  I would have rather seen Ezio's defense peak at a natural 17 and have a special power granting him those two defensive powers (CR/SS) than the natural 18 with mastermind- that's how Ezio fights. 

Speaking of Mastermind....

2)  The presence of Mastermind, period.  I don't like it.  On the HCRealms discussion board, one dude eloquently described the Mastermind-special power as representing the Assassin's guild (which at this point Ezio was pretty much in charge of) and how they'd lay their lives down for the cause.  I'm actually fine with that, for the most part.  I just think that in the Clix combat system, his abilities would be better represented by the CR/SS combo.

Especially since they named the power 'Blend'.  'Blend' is obviously not sloughing off damage to some simpleton who is too inspired to know any better.  'Blend' is when Ezio is chilling with a compact group of civilians and your screen flashes wavy green and all of a sudden the guards can't see you.  In a perfect world, I would have combined 'Blend' with the team ability and made it so that Ezio could use stealth if he was adjacent to one or more friendly characters.  

3) If you've played the Assassin's Creed games, you know that Ezio is basically Batman in the 1400s.  Armed to the teeth, he has probably a couple dozen weapons to choose from and even though he doesn't have them all at once (his clothes are pretty much a bat belt though), at any given time he can kill a guard by:

• Hidden blade
• Poison blade
• Shooting a poison dart
• Throwing knives
• Dagger
• Sword
• Pistol (built into his gauntlet)
• Crossbow
• Bomb

And they represent this by a 4 range and 1 target????  I think his ranged capabilities would have been better represented by a special power giving him a choice of either 4 range with 3 targets (the throwing knives) or 8 range with 1 target (crossbow).   To me, that would have pretty much made any other shortcoming inconsequential- the fact that they missed the opportunity amplifies them instead.

Additionally, the number of 1s and 2s on the damage slot is a little disconcerting.  Would a couple of 3s killed anyone?  I mean...you know what I mean!  Sure, he's a mere man- I don't expect any Hulk-level shenanigans here.  But if Ezio comes across any sort of damage reduction at all (which, in a set bound to be populated with suits of armor, is not out of the realm of possibility), he's basically going to end up dealing out more paper cuts and scrapes than he is awesome death blows.

Pictured- Ezio dealing out awesome death blows

4)  A couple of other powers were missed, pretty egregiously I might add.  First off, his hidden blade.  I know, I know- the card says Hidden Blade (Close Combat Expert).   But when I'm ramming my hidden blade into that guards skull, it doesn't feel like I'm having my damage increased by 2- it feels like I'm dealing penetrating damage (to his brain.  And now he's dead.  BOOM).  That screams 'Exploit Weakness' to me.  Especially if they lined it up with his blades/claws/fangs, giving him the potential to deal 6 penetrating damage.  Powerful?  Sure.  But this is Ezio freaking Auditore.  This guy should be able to one-hit KO street level characters and strike fear into the hearts of more powerful foes.  Not that he doesn't do that to a degree....just not to the degree that he could/should be.

The other power blatantly missing is some form of willpower.  Pretty much any character can have an argument made for them to have willpower- but it's one of Ezio's defining characteristics.  More than the unrivaled badassness and weapons proficiency, Ezio is such a compelling character because of his drive and determination to lead humanity to the truth- even in face of sickeningly overwhelming odds, delicious conspiracies, and the death of pretty much everyone that is close to him.  He keeps plugging along through thirty-plus years and three video games.  And in the end, he's able to walk away from it all because of the love of a beautiful woman.  Which doesn't really tie into willpower at all, but seriously- Sofia is a foxy lady.

As long as you don't look at her face.  (Sorry ladies)

Overall- I do like the dial.  I'm a little discouraged by some of the shortcomings, especially since I can't see another Ezio figure coming out from this time period (there will be an Ezio from Revelations though, which gives me hope), but overall it does feel like it could be Ezio, and with the proper support (AKA, his fellow Assassins), Ezio could very well prove to be the stone-cold killer that is near and dear to my heart.

PIC- Ezio- http://heroclix.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/ass-creed-preview.jpg
Suddenly clear Clarence- http://knowyourmeme.com/photos/296645-sudden-clarity-clarence
Ezio killing- http://www.gameseyeview.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/11/Assassins-Creed-Brotherhood-Photos3.jpg
Sofia- http://images3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20110922214556/assassinscreed/images/6/68/Sofia-.png

The Skyrim Times- or another possible goose chase.

I have a very ambitious yet fun sounding project in my head. I’m not sure if I’ll go through with it…but the idea tickles me- I want to create an ongoing newspaper for the video game Skyrim.

It’s such a deep, dense game that I’m not sure I could pull it off. It’s definitely not something that I’m going to be starting anytime soon- I’m still playing through Skyrim and I want to beat the game without having to focus on anything else. Ideally I’ll then start it over and start taking notes and whatnot.

In my head, I’m imagining making my character into a captured journalist who escapes from the dragon and makes off to Whiterun. He becomes an investigative reporter for the Whiterun News (or something). I’d write up stories on the silly local shenanigans, with maybe an editorial on the state of affairs in the larger Skyrim, pieces on creatures and plant life, local fare, shopping reviews, and occasional tidbits from the other holds as well. I’m thinking it will be a nice mix of serious information and absurd silliness.

I’m putting this out there to see if anyone would be interested in collaborating with me on this project. I will definitely need some fellow historians- there is such complexity in this game, it’s overwhelming! Articles and headlines will also have to be written. And there are definitely article types (food critic, for example) that I’m not overly familiar with.

If you’re interested, please hit me up on tumblr (http://backwardspants.tumblr.com) or here. I may or may not create a separate tumblr account for this, I’m not sure. But seriously, if this sounds like something you’d be at all interested in collaborating on- even if it’s just to peruse the final product and offer suggestions, that’d be awesome!

PS- For those with a memory of such things, no, I have not forgotten about my Ezio diary project- it's just sitting in the heap with all of the other projects of the moment.  But...it is at the top of that heap and I have put some work into it- so probably by the time Assassins Creed: 8 comes out, it should be ready to go.

New (old?) blogs preview (postview? I'm so confused)

Almost two weeks ago, I wrote about my plans for my blog. If you didn't read it, let me recap: I realized that I was trying to spread myself too thin, and that my lack of focus was hurting my ability to really take this blog anywhere. The end. I realize that I hyperlinked to that blog and that you could read for yourself what I said, but I like to think of myself as a nice guy, so I decided to give you the synopsis. But since I'm also a narcissist, I decided to hyperlink it as well. Gets my page view count up.

Of course, plans change. After I wrote that blog, I had a friend recommend tumblr to me as an excellent writing community and means to procure a new audience and helpful critical feedback. I decided to give it a go, and what was once one blog has now been reborn as a three headed monster. I realize that it seems silly. And it is. So then, let's review my blog roster!

If you're reading this, you're at my home base blog. It has been, and will be, the blog of choice for anyone who is concerned with keeping up a trendy image. That might be a lie. The restructuring will give this blog more of a social science/humanities focus. Anything from overpopulation to religion to sociology to gender roles- you name it. Actually, don't name it. I have a limited arsenal and a diminishing vocabulary. Allow me to dictate this blog on my terms.

This is my old new blog that is on tumblr. It's called 'Backwards Pants'. It's been in existence for about five days. Backwards Pants exists primarily to expand my audience/readership base. Everything (at least, that's the plan right now) I post on here will be posted on there. However, I will have some new stuff on tumbr as well, including my long-awaited return to the poetry sector. Tumblr will serve as my potpourri outlet- if I get the urge to write about Megamind, I'll do it there. Should I garner up the courage to revisit my Super Bowl MVP reassessment, those football players will be wearing Backwards Pants.

This is my new new blog (and the reason why I'm making a second housekeeping post in a weeks time). It's pure unadulterated silliness, and is based on my long-standing love of sketch comedy. The basic premise is that Darth Vader has been stationed on Earth, in Michigan's Upper Peninsula. He lives in a fictional residence- 411 Sojourn Boulevard. To save on expenses and household maintenance, he decides to take on a couple of roommates. His roommates? Dr. Manhattan from the Watchmen and Ezio Auditore from the Assassins Creed.

To me, the idea of these three drastically different (and completely made-up) universes coming together and interacting in a fourth completely different (but actual) universe- is hilarious and should be tons of fun to try and spin. I think it will stretch me as a writer as well- trying to write character-specific parts and using things like dialogue are not a normal part of my repertoire. To speak plainly- I am stoked out of my mind about this project.

I'm still doing 'research' for this blog, and plot lines are still being hatched. By 'research', I mean reading comics and playing video games. So even if the blog fails- it's definitely winning. I'm hoping to have a post up in a few days. No promises about frequency thereafter- I want to make sure that I have a good hold on the individual characters before I plunge in, and I don't want to sacrifice my award-winning philanthropist insights.

Okay, I'm done with my glorified office memos for awhile. I will soon resume my regularly scheduled dissemination of unique insights, humor, and factoids that will illuminate your brains and make you live happily ever after.

They may not pay me, but I can still represent. Yo.

One of the things I admire most about my blog is that it isn't specialized. I feel free to write about whatever I want, at any given time. I am not bound by the limits set by my particular subject matter- the world is my subject matter. I wouldn't go so far as to call myself a modern Renaissance Man...but I am a modern Renaissance Man.

Speaking of the Renaissance, that is the time period that I am going to take this blog to now...back in time, through a mysterious machine that allows people to relive the genetic memories of their ancestors. That's right folks- I'm talking about Assassins Creed.

I've been playing the game series for about a year now, ever since I picked up the first game in December of 2010- and I just love it. It's amazing, it's breathtaking, and it will not only knock your socks off- it will incinerate them with a blast of fiery breath from its nostrils.

The first game is definitely the weakest of the three, and I cannot imagine I'll play it again. It's not so much an indictment of that game, though, as it is praise to the quality of the later games. However, it is the birthplace of the franchise, so it will always have a special place in my heart.

I love these games for their basic tenets- you are an assassin- and you are free to roam around entire cities (which the peeps at Ubisoft went to painstaking lengths to make into very realistic digital replicas) and kill bad guys. Oh, and you can jump off of tall buildings into piles of hay. Sounds simple enough- but until you've seen the backdrop of Jerusalem from the Dome of the Rock...or Roma from the Coliseum, you have no idea how wondrous these games are.


I just recently picked up the most recent installment, Assassins Creed: Brotherhood, which is more of an "expansion" as opposed to a "sequel" to Assassins Creed II. And as much as I loved II way more than the first one, I think I love Brotherhood that much more than II.

Note: This is not in any way, shape, or form a thorough review on any of the Assassins Creed games. This is very much a quick blog about about the series and my nerdgasm for it. For more in-depth and detailed reviews, please visit here or here. I just recommend playing them, because you may grow to love them as I have.

First of all, I'm in love with addition of a crossbow as a weapon. I utilize it almost exclusively as my ranged weapon. I love to use my crossbow to shoot the guards that are on horseback (another fun new feature). If that guard was riding an armored horse, I will definitely steal it- and then use my sweet whistle to call the horse to me at a future point. There is a guild of assassins that I am responsible for, and can call on at any time. It's nice to have them come in and dispatch a unit of guards while I rummage through the deceased looking for coins and other trinkets like medicine or bullets. Sometimes, beggars will come up to me asking for money, and I will throw a smoke bomb instead.

I also really like the way that the game flow is set up. I mean, there is so much to do outside of the actual missions- I've played for several hours and am only about a third of the way through the game. And I love that! I love that my hard-earned money (well, scratch that. I got it as a Christmas present. Actually, I got the Xbox-360 version as a Christmas present. Which I had to take back to Wal-Mart and exchange for some toilet paper and pull-ups, because we were dirt poor around Christmas) is going to be worth it.

Assassins Creed: Brotherhood is the best game ever. I am Ezio de Audit....um, Jason Parks, and I approve this message.

PIC: http://www.gameinformer.com/games/assassins_creed_brotherhood/b/xbox360/archive/2010/06/14/e3-preview.aspx