If you're upset about character selection and you know it then your blog will surely show it and you'll make a post like this

Next Wednesday, thanks to magical forces beyond our understanding, WizKids is going to be releasing their (hopefully not-last) set of Assassin's Creed Heroclix- ON TIME.  For a company that has made release-date push-backs a part of their repertoire for the past three years, this is no small feat.  The reason we know it will not be late is thanks to the also-as-frequent-but-not-quite-as-magical shipping screw up that landed the set about a week early into the hands of some eager-to-spoil Heroclix players.

In case you're interested in such things, you can go and check out the spoiled dials here.  Just be sure to tell them that brojase sent you.  I carry a lot of weight in that community, I'm somewhat of a big deal.  Actually, that's not true.  I think that most of my posts get ignored by...well, everybody.  

I'm not going to go through each individual dial and analyze it- that would take forever, and I'm pretty sure that most of you have lost interest just in these couple of paragraphs surprisingly not a record for my blog.  I'm basically just going to go on a rant about a couple of egregious oversights- because while I'm still excited to get this set and see it on the battlefield, WizKids still made some pretty big bonehead mistakes that need to be poked fun at.

1) Character selection matters:

Since you're supposed to start off with a positive when you're giving feedback, I will say this about the characters that WizKids put into AC clix- at least there was no obvious money-grubbing "alternate" costumes that you usually see on toys and action figures, a la 'Casual Friday' Batman or 'Post-Labor Day White Pants-wearing Batman' or 'Thor in Donald Blake shirt'.

Also known as "Chad Kroeger goes to Asgard"

That said, they really effed up the character selection.  Let's break down who they put into the two sets (Brotherhood and Revelations each got a six figure mini-set):
Brotherhood

1. Ezio- Obvious.
2. Mario Auditore- Died in the beginning, but a critical player from ACII.  Passable.
3. La Volpe- Love him here.
4. Bartolomeo d'Alviano- Ditto.
5. Cesere Borgia- The villain of the story.  Had to be here.
6. Octavian de Valois- Had to wikipedia him just to see who the heck he was.  Questionable inclusion.

Revelations

1. Ezio- Again, it's the Ezio show.
2. Prince Ahmet- I guess he's the villain of the story...
3. Yusef Tazim- Other than the hot young chick, this is Ezio's only friend in Constantinople. 



Ezio, my eyes are up here...

4. The Guardian- Who
5. The Bombardier- Is
6. The Vanguard- This???

Other than three "The" characters in Revelations (multiplayer characters for those who are into that sort of thing), it seems to be fairly solid selections overall.  So why devote an entire blog post railing against something that is outwardly decent?

Because this are some pretty blatant omissions here. 

Let's just get the guards out of the way here.  I'm not a businessman, so I can't know for sure- but I would think that when you have a set of twelve characters that you are releasing with a flat rarity in displays of 24 (so far all accounts indicate that each display contains two full sets), there will quickly come a point of diminishing return on a consumer's investment and it will be very easy to complete the set and thus no reason to continue to buy blind boosters in the store (thus potentially costing you money). 

But if you fill up some of those slots with 'generic' characters- characters that are desirable to have in multiples- well, doesn't that increase the amount of purchases?  It would have to, right?  People are more likely to blindly buy something when there is an increased opportunity that the blind purchase will pay off above and beyond what they paid into it.  That's not really happening with the set list as it is now.  But with a few guards or generic assassins?  Seems much more likely.

But enough about the red shirts- let's talk about some of the big name characters that they missed out on.  Even non-Assassin's Creed fans will recognize some of these names:

1. Leonardo da Vinci
2. Niccolò Machiavelli
3. Rodrigio Borgia
4. Claudia
5. Subject 16
6. Desmond
7. Altaïr
8. Minerva, Jupiter, Juno (WizKids has shown that they can do power interpretations for one-off characters or very powerful beings like Uatu who don't really demonstrate their powers...so I would have minimum reservation about them interpreting the First Civilization peoples)
9. Caterina Sforza (If Mario gets to be in the Brotherhood set, then Caterina would have just as much claim to it even though she's more prevalent in ACII)
10. Harlequin (If they're going to do Multiplayer character figures...how can they not make Harlequin?)

Most of the names on the missing list have varying degrees of "What the heck were they thinking?" in terms of exclusion, but the two biggest omissions by far are Leonardo da Vinci and Altaïr. 

I get it that not everyone who plays Heroclix is a fan of Assassin's Creed, so this was already a niche property within a niche property.  But in my opinion (and many others if you are to believe what people write on the Internet), having a da Vinci figure would have completely changed people's buying habits.  Because all of a sudden, you aren't just buying Heroclix from a video game that you may not have ever played (or cared about)- you're buying the chance to have freaking Leonardo da Vinci on your team!  LEONARDO DA VINCI!!!

That's why I think WizKids making clix based on the super hero movies is such a great idea.  I care nothing about Lucius Fox as a Heroclix figure.  But you bet your sweet bippy I'm nerding out for Morgan Freeman to do battle with the forces of darkness.  And I don't need plain-clothes Tony Stark running around on the map.  But Robert Downey Jr.?  Heck yes I'll drink to that!  Now factor in hundreds of hours playing these Assassin's Creed games and multiply it by- again- Leofreakingnardo da Vinci, and you have quite possibly the most anticipated civilian Heroclix figure of all time.

Except, no.  Somebody somewhere thought that it'd be better to have Octavi-whatever de Valwhogivesacrap in the set that now fewer people are going to buy.  

As for Altaïr...he may not be an actual historical figure, but to those of us who have played this series since its' genesis he will always be the one that took our Leap of Faith virginity.  And that's a special, special moment in a nerd's life.  The frustrating thing here is that it's not like it'd be a stretch to include him- he's on the freaking cover of Assassin's Creed: Revelations!

Granted, he's like a shadowy ghost standing behind Ezio

2) You sunk my flagship.  

While there is no direct correlation between sets themed around one figure (think Hammer of Thor, Web of Spider-man, Hulk, Superman, etc.), the kick-assness of that figures dial, and how well those sets sell- the popular perspective is that in those character-themed sets, the main character should kick ass.  It's their set, after all.   

Assassin's Creed clix gave us two versions of the main character; unfortunately, neither one of them seems to truly capture what makes Ezio great.

Pictured: What makes Ezio great

I've already written at length about the Brotherhood version of Ezio.  At that time, any initial disappointments were tempered by the fact that there was still one more, unknown Ezio dial lurking out there.  One more chance for them to recreate Renaissance-era Batman at the height of his powers, wisdom, and influence- but this time with bombs and a hookblade!  I bit my tongue, swallowed my disappointment, and waited anxiously for Ezio: Part II.

This is what they gave me.

First of all (again, really trying to be kind of positive here), I'm glad that the grenade mechanic is making a return in this set.  It's a wonderful way to replicate the bombs from Revelations, and it's just an all-around cool tool to have in the Heroclix tool box.  Of course, WizKids screwed it up and gave him only 1 grenade to use- the smoke grenade.  Smoke grenade???  That's like going to an all-you-can-eat pizza buffet and just eating salad.  I know we're not talking about smoke grenades.

Plus he's already got the power to make smoke.  He's got that power in spades.  It's called 'Smoke Cloud' and while it's largely a useless power, at least Ezio has it on every click.  Every.  Single.  Click. 

Ugh.

They couldn't have given him a click or two of energy explosion (caltrop or datura bomb),  pulse wave (splinter bomb), quake (wielding a pike), incapacitate (throwing knives), penetrating/psychic blast (pistol/crossbow), or poison (poison blade)?  Apparently Ezio, after years of fighting against the Templars, somehow thought it would be okay to sub out all of his awesome weapons and just load up on mini-fog machines.  Oh well, at least he can lay down a smoke cloud on turn one and then push to attack next turn without fear of pushing damage because he has indomitable.

Wait a second- he doesn't have indomitable?

OH MY GOSH!!!  How can Ezio not have indomitable?  It's an essential component of the character.  Geez, Prince Ahmet gets it.  Even Yusef Tazim gets it.  But Ezio doesn't get it?  Come on, WizKids.

You could make an argument (that I would laugh at) against Brotherhood Ezio getting it.  But in Revelations, he's like 52 years old and still running around on roof-tops and jumping into hay piles.  In the beginning of the game he actually gets captured and is just about to get hanged when he turns his execution on his captors and escapes.  LIKE A BOSS.

I'll spare you my diatribe on his defensive powers.  Suffice it to say that in my humble opinion, the dial designers have never played a game of Assassin's Creed and instead decided to purposefully sink the flagship character of my favorite video game series.



Despite my frustrations I'm still buying the set, which I realize means that I'm either a hypocrite or an idiot.  As consumers, our words mean nothing to these corporations- but our wallets mean everything.  It would be a million times more effective for me to voice my displeasure with some of their choices by just abstaining from the product entirely.  Unfortunately, that's not how I'm wired.  Here, in America, that's not how we're wired.  We want everything now, the way we want it, and...well, we'll still buy it even if it's late and not really what we were thinking...but we're going to take to the airwaves and let everybody know that the Powers That Be sure did slap us in the face in their giving us what we don't need and taking our money all the way to the bank.

PIC- Thor- http://farm6.static.flickr.com/5270/5651772371_a1d5a36a79.jpg
Sofia- http://guides.gamepressure.com/assassinscreedrevelations/gfx/word/1751616812.jpg
Ezio- http://www.totalvideogames.com/img/uploaded/www.totalvideogames.com_69738_AC2_S_052.jpg

Love+Love=Ermahgerd

Question- when was the last time your mind was blown?  If you didn't answer 'right this second', then you're wrong.  Because it's about to be.  Check this action out.

You're welcome.

Yes friends- it's Assassin's Creed and Heroclix, brought together, like a chocolate/peanut butter combo delivered direct to the fringes of society.  I'm in, like, nerd heaven.  I love Assassin's Creed.  I love Heroclix.  To have them both together at the same time...well, it's as if you like a girl, and you also like her sister, but you can't decide...so you just decide to start dating their mom.  That's what it's like for me.  That's what I'm feeling right now. 

That said, I don't believe that I'll see the perfect iteration of Ezio in Clix form until I get to heaven.  So I do have some nits to pick.  Overall I'm pretty stoked though.  So stoked that I decided to bring you my thoughts, in blog form.  Which I'm guessing you probably already figured out.

Warning- I'll probably reduce myself to quite a bit of Heroclixese here with a little Assassinish mixed in with zero form of  translation.  I'm a terrible ambassador of my passions.  Sue me.

(Wait, wait, don't sue me- because the only items I have of value are my clix and my Assassin's Creed PS3 collection!!!!!)

What I like:

1) The pose.  I'm not too crazy about the picture of the sculpt- there's just so much detail and color in the Ezio costume and this picture makes it look like they captured exactly none of that.  Nonetheless, it's a classic Ezio pose, and very reminiscent of a Renaissance-era crotch chop.

2) The Team Ability- I'm guessing you probably don't know much about Heroclix.  Let me just tell you that stealth is pretty spectacular.  In a game where range rules, the man who can't be seen is king.  True, there are ways to circumvent stealth, but by and large, stealth affords our friend Mr. Auditore here a very effective layer of protection.  The average figure is gonna have to mosey on over to our friend here and hope that they doesn't roll doubles 1s, 2s, or 3s (or 4s if they have a sucky attack value).  Because if they do, they're gonna get a hidden blade right to the face (or something...more on that in a minute).

For the most part, the team ability really a pretty cool representation of the combat system.  They attack, they miss, you attack, you hit (and usually kill, but that wouldn't make a very fun Clix ability).  Apparently most of the local militia (also known as 'guards') were pretty much terrible combatants, dressing up in their expensive armor every morning and waiting for some ridiculously skilled assassin to engage them in a duel and then kill them.  Gloriously. 

3) Most of the powers are pretty accurate and feel authentic to the experience of Ezio.  

Name of power (actual Heroclix power).  You with me?

• Roof running (Leap/climb)- Let me just tell you that I've played four Assassins Creed games and the joy and thrill of the Leap of Faith never gets old.  NEVER.  The idea of jumping off of stories high buildings- backwards, mind you- into shallow bales of hay and/or bushes of flowers goes so far over the line of Ridiculosity that after a couple dozen of these jumps, you start to rationalize how you're able to jump right out of the hay bale and continue running through the streets.  After a hundred or so, you start to believe that not only is this feat humanly possibly, but that you yourself could do it too.  After that, your wife ties you up and throws you in the trunk every time your family stops at a building taller than ten feet.  You bet your sweet bippy that every single time I move Ezio off of some elevated terrain, I'm going to be making the eagle screech while I pick my figure up off the table and drop him onto his back in the next square. 
• Altaïr's Armor (Invulnerability)- This is such a clever nod to the game play, it's not even funny.  In the game, Altaïr uses a mystical relic, the Apple of Eden, to create the perfect armor, made out of some new mystery metal (probably unobtanium) that is extremely strong (maximum health), unbreakable- and light enough to allow "complete freedom".  Ezio usually obtains this towards the end of game play, after collecting the six seals to unlock the tomb (or something).  Assuming that most characters in the Clix-creed system have damage values of 1-2 (again...more on that in a minute), his armor will be de facto impenetrable.  Well played, WizKids...well played.
• Poison Blade (Poison)- One of the most discreet ways to kill foes is by jabbing them with the hollow blade filled with poison.  It's super effective because it's not a flashy kill- you just sort of step up to them and stick them quickly with the blade, and then the punctured person starts to flail around like a zombie doing the Monster Mash, and everybody just sort of stands back and watches (or gets nailed by a wayward zombie arm) until the deceased falls to the ground and you can totally loot them of all their stuff (if you can tolerate people talking about your blasphemy).  My two favorite things to do with poison are: 
• Go up behind a group of guards and stab one of the ones in the rear (note: I'm stabbing a guard in the rear of the group, not stabbing a guard in his personal rear), and then just watch as the rest of the guards continue on their rounds.  Either that or I get bored and just go kill the rest of the guards.  
• Bribe a herald (which cost 500 florins), stick him, and then wait until he stopped spazzing and get my money back.  I know he's just doing his job, telling all the people about the dangerous assassin, but come on, man- 500 bones?  That's a lot of dough, and I'm not made of money.  Not until late in the game, anyways.

 4) I'm 33 years old.  I've been married for seven years.  I have two children.   I graduated from college.  And I guffawed out loud when I looked up at my open Ezio-clix tab and saw that it said "Ass-creed".  Hehe.  Hehe.  Hehe.  "Ass-creed".

Of course, the grass is always Tuscan Ember-er on the other side, and signore Ezio is no exception.  Here's what I don't like:

1) If any Heroclix figure EVER deserved a special power granting combat reflexes and super senses, it's Ezio.  I mean, that's sort of the whole 'parry/dodge' combat system.  You basically just hold down that L1 button when you're being attacked, time the counter just right, and go into berserk mode with the chain kills.  I would have rather seen Ezio's defense peak at a natural 17 and have a special power granting him those two defensive powers (CR/SS) than the natural 18 with mastermind- that's how Ezio fights. 

Speaking of Mastermind....

2)  The presence of Mastermind, period.  I don't like it.  On the HCRealms discussion board, one dude eloquently described the Mastermind-special power as representing the Assassin's guild (which at this point Ezio was pretty much in charge of) and how they'd lay their lives down for the cause.  I'm actually fine with that, for the most part.  I just think that in the Clix combat system, his abilities would be better represented by the CR/SS combo.

Especially since they named the power 'Blend'.  'Blend' is obviously not sloughing off damage to some simpleton who is too inspired to know any better.  'Blend' is when Ezio is chilling with a compact group of civilians and your screen flashes wavy green and all of a sudden the guards can't see you.  In a perfect world, I would have combined 'Blend' with the team ability and made it so that Ezio could use stealth if he was adjacent to one or more friendly characters.  

3) If you've played the Assassin's Creed games, you know that Ezio is basically Batman in the 1400s.  Armed to the teeth, he has probably a couple dozen weapons to choose from and even though he doesn't have them all at once (his clothes are pretty much a bat belt though), at any given time he can kill a guard by:

• Hidden blade
• Poison blade
• Shooting a poison dart
• Throwing knives
• Dagger
• Sword
• Pistol (built into his gauntlet)
• Crossbow
• Bomb

And they represent this by a 4 range and 1 target????  I think his ranged capabilities would have been better represented by a special power giving him a choice of either 4 range with 3 targets (the throwing knives) or 8 range with 1 target (crossbow).   To me, that would have pretty much made any other shortcoming inconsequential- the fact that they missed the opportunity amplifies them instead.

Additionally, the number of 1s and 2s on the damage slot is a little disconcerting.  Would a couple of 3s killed anyone?  I mean...you know what I mean!  Sure, he's a mere man- I don't expect any Hulk-level shenanigans here.  But if Ezio comes across any sort of damage reduction at all (which, in a set bound to be populated with suits of armor, is not out of the realm of possibility), he's basically going to end up dealing out more paper cuts and scrapes than he is awesome death blows.

Pictured- Ezio dealing out awesome death blows

4)  A couple of other powers were missed, pretty egregiously I might add.  First off, his hidden blade.  I know, I know- the card says Hidden Blade (Close Combat Expert).   But when I'm ramming my hidden blade into that guards skull, it doesn't feel like I'm having my damage increased by 2- it feels like I'm dealing penetrating damage (to his brain.  And now he's dead.  BOOM).  That screams 'Exploit Weakness' to me.  Especially if they lined it up with his blades/claws/fangs, giving him the potential to deal 6 penetrating damage.  Powerful?  Sure.  But this is Ezio freaking Auditore.  This guy should be able to one-hit KO street level characters and strike fear into the hearts of more powerful foes.  Not that he doesn't do that to a degree....just not to the degree that he could/should be.

The other power blatantly missing is some form of willpower.  Pretty much any character can have an argument made for them to have willpower- but it's one of Ezio's defining characteristics.  More than the unrivaled badassness and weapons proficiency, Ezio is such a compelling character because of his drive and determination to lead humanity to the truth- even in face of sickeningly overwhelming odds, delicious conspiracies, and the death of pretty much everyone that is close to him.  He keeps plugging along through thirty-plus years and three video games.  And in the end, he's able to walk away from it all because of the love of a beautiful woman.  Which doesn't really tie into willpower at all, but seriously- Sofia is a foxy lady.

As long as you don't look at her face.  (Sorry ladies)

Overall- I do like the dial.  I'm a little discouraged by some of the shortcomings, especially since I can't see another Ezio figure coming out from this time period (there will be an Ezio from Revelations though, which gives me hope), but overall it does feel like it could be Ezio, and with the proper support (AKA, his fellow Assassins), Ezio could very well prove to be the stone-cold killer that is near and dear to my heart.

PIC- Ezio- http://heroclix.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/ass-creed-preview.jpg
Suddenly clear Clarence- http://knowyourmeme.com/photos/296645-sudden-clarity-clarence
Ezio killing- http://www.gameseyeview.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/11/Assassins-Creed-Brotherhood-Photos3.jpg
Sofia- http://images3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20110922214556/assassinscreed/images/6/68/Sofia-.png

Assassins Creed: Revelations comes out today...which means I won't be getting it for a couple months

This blog is one of those rare entities where the title of my blog pretty much says what I want the whole blog to say.  And if you want to leave right now, I wouldn't blame you.  You've probably spent minutes, if not hours, reading my posts before only to arrive at the end with your neck involuntarily spasming and contracting your face into your desk.  So leave now if you must.  I won't hold it against you.  You'll just miss out on the chance to win free money.

Now that I have you hooked, I'm going to tell you that there actually is no chance at winning free money.  But hahaha- you're hooked!  You can't just leave now!  You'd look/feel foolish.  So even though you'll keep reading until the end with slightly blushing cheeks and an increasingly complex plan for vengeance, by the time you reach the end of this I'll most likely be washing my hair in another country.  Also, you'll notice that I've managed to stretch a blog that admittedly was summarized in the title into two whole paragraphs. 

(I just wanted a chance to show a picture of pre-meltingly hot Patrick McDreamy Pants)

But let's get down to some business. Because I do actually have something I would consider to be relevant commentary on the thesis I proposed in my title.

Yes, the new Assassins Creed game (Revelations) comes out today and I want it- bad.  In fact, on my Wishpot wish list, I gave it the highest desire ranking I could-  I neeeed it!  I've played through the first three games (although Assassins Creed: Revelations is not Assassins Creed IV...it's more like II.III), and could conceivably never own another (non-Assassins Creed) game for the rest of my life.  They're amazing.


The Assassins Creed games are basically every dudes fantasy set a few hundred years in the past.  Your whole job is to climb up buildings, kick butt, mess with the local police force, and sometimes kill bad guys.  You have an almost unlimited means of income.  You can rent women.  At any given time, you'll have a pistol, two hidden daggers, a sword, a knife, some vials of poison, and several throwing blades on your person.  You are always in peak physical fitness and you can traipse around the city wearing robes and armor.  In other words, this is exactly the kind of stuff we used to play when we were kids, except our weapons were sticks and women were still the enemy (cooties are much like a weaponized Krippen virus back then).  I don't need to buy any more video games ever...that is, until they make a new Assassins Creed game.
 

I'm mostly joking when I say this, but that's pretty much what capitalism is built on- the production and consumption of things that we don't really need.  And the people that make these things (and the people that market them) are very, VERY good at their jobs.  Sure, I don't need this game at all in a technical sense, and I definitely need things like toilet paper, gasoline, and a place to live much more than I need to roam around virtual Constantinople in the 1500s. I know these things in my head.  I know the the games $59.99 price tag will go down considerably after a few months, and I'll be able to play the same game but for cheaper (while also having a home where I can wipe my bum with the toilet paper I drove to the store to buy).

But that didn't stop me from having to basically strap myself to a chair and take myself offline over the past week as my mind kept trying to figure out some way, any way, to get my hands on that game on the day it came out.  "How much cushion do we have in the checking account?  How much remaining balance is on that credit card?  How much could I get if I sold this game or that book or those children?  Hey, I could order from here and open a new account...".  Even though I rationally understand that the ability to wait will give us added financial stability while saving money in the long run, my brain was still trying to convince me to just go ahead and get the game already.  Thanks a lot, brain.

Please understand, I'm not looking for sympathy (maybe a little) or a handout (although I wouldn't give it back)- I'm just relaying the ridiculous struggle that I'm sure millions of Americans go through when their favorite book/movie/game/toy is released to stores.  Somehow, whether from our parents or our friends or commercials or our own humanity (or a combination of the above), we get roped into the capitalist mindset and struggle to suppress immediate gratification for trivia even though the practical situational reality should work just fine to ensure that we focus our energies on the bottom parts of the hierarchy.  You know, just things like FOOD.  WATER.  SHELTER.


Capitalism doesn't want to hear that noise though, so they created credit cards.  And while things have changed in recent years to make things less unfair for credit card users (including not having college kids sitting around giving out free t-shirts for signing up for your first credit card), that doesn't change the reality for myself and millions of Americans. 

I don't think this is a moral issue or something where it makes me (and people like me) somehow 'inferior' to others.  The system was created to exploit us!  I'm frustrated that the Occupy Wall Street dividing line seems to be between hippie socialists and stoic Great Depression survivors.  Many on the stoic side say , "If I want something I just save for it.  I don't live past my means".  Which is, by all accounts, outstanding.  I commend you.  That doesn't give you the right to look down on the rest of us, but I commend you.

Unfortunately, that's not everybody.  And it isn't that I want a bailout, or a do-over.  I made mistakes- I know that, I own them, and have no problem paying back the money that I borrowed against my future to pay for the present. That's my role in all this.  I may not have completely understood the ramifications, but I at least knew that I'd have to pay this money back.

The system is still screwed up though.  It's designed around people like me.  Without people like me, it falls apart.  So they use crazy powerful science to manipulate our feelings, emotions, thinking and get us to desire things that we don't really need (or even want)...and then they give us the means to purchase those things even when we don't have the means.  That's why I'm generally for the Occupy movement.  The system is designed to keep the masses suppressed and immobilized while a select few hold onto the resources and power in our society.

But I'm getting slightly off topic.  I honestly didn't mean to turn this into anti-capitalist propaganda.  I actually was hoping primarily to talk about how I'm refocusing my other blog.  You know, the Sojourn Boulevard one?  What am I talking about- of course you remember.  Pretend like I didn't even question.

I'm pretty much turning it into my own little on-line journal/diary/what have you about Ezio's escapades through late 15th-early 16th century Italy.  There's three games (as well as some novels and a wiki), so I should have lots of info for plenty of shenanigans to keep me busy.  I will miss the Darth Vader/Dr. Manhattan/Ezio roomie situation (and possibly one day will bring it back), but in the end I just don't have the chops to pull it off right now.  Not that I have the chops to pull of most of what I write, but hey, what do you expect?  Don't look for it anytime soon necessarily- I've actually taken it offline for the time being- because I'm trying to focus more on seriousy type stuff.  But I just wanted to let you, the faithful reader, be in the know before the know gets known.  Ya know?

So now- aren't you glad you finished reading this post?  Please, don't answer that.

PIC- https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZpEv46uXahSw9S0bZ8K8ogVBbeobrWDV1A6PFsATEd8fUf_W40iEcjnl3g5JUTSbZFYxwxaukGEFoWUH2V0XjnMKVWzceQAIWsbgJ7PDsw9GQDs3xVaHyD8c2eVdvNRw4UW3yOvNyBRk/s1600/Can-t-Buy-Me-Love-caps-patrick-dempsey-7134090-720-528.jpg

It's the end of the world as they knew it

Well, May 21st has come and gone. No earthquakes, a small volcano in Iceland, a 6.1 earthquake in New Zealand, beautiful weather in Marquette (and some sunburn on the arms)- and no Rapture. No judgment day. Life as we know it for now goes on- at least for most of us.

Right now, I'm feeling simultaneously sorry for and pissed off at the people that bought into this whole 'May 21st Judgment Day Rapture Apocalypse' crap. I imagine that most of them were probably well meaning people trying to live lives pleasing to the Lord. They probably caught wind of Señor Camping's teachings, saw him throw some sweet Bible verses together with some phat numerology, figured that this guy knew what he was talking about, and decided to go all out and follow the May 21st movement.

But the reckless abandon that these people exhibited in their pursuit of this thing is a little disconcerting. After having failed on a previous end of the world prediction...why would they believe this guy? He's been wrong before! Fool me once, shame on Harold Camping, fool me twice? Fancy numbers and exact dates and self confidence- that don't impress me much. Look, there's two things you need to know about numbers:

1) Numbers never lie

2) Numbers can always be made to lie

What I mean is that numbers by themselves are as objective of a data source as we can hope to find on this planet. People experience most things in different ways, but if I have three apples, it doesn't matter whether you like them or not. I have three apples (boo-yah). But numbers can also be manipulated. Any good statistician can take survey/poll results and spin them to make you think exactly what they want you to think. And if you allow symbolic numbers to enter into the equation? Then you're basically cutting out the middleman and humming the Pied Piper's tune to yourself.

That's what Camping did. Basically he took some Bible stuff, mixed with his own Colonel Sanders concoction and POOF- instant Judgment day! Just add naivety, 'dumb' sheep mentality, and sincere hearts and you have a movement that got way more followers and press than it really should have. Most people knew this was ridiculous. Even most Christians were able to point to Matthew 24:36 and say 'Hey, I don't think this is correct'.

And now it's May 22nd, and those people are being forced to answer the question that merely two days ago seemed so preposterous to them that most of them wouldn't even dare to venture there with their thoughts.

So how do they bounce back? I mean, getting laughed at and scorned and mocked is probably the least of the worries. After all, that's part of the Christian tradition- you join up and just brace yourself for the persecution. So if anything, that would seem to be a minor thing. Shoot, this could be a way to seriously amp up those persecution points. Maybe I should have jumped on the bandwagon... Although it could be argued that they don't really get persecution points because they did this to themselves. If a damsel knocks on the ogre's door and jumps into his arms, can she really claim to be distressed?

But seriously- I read about a guy who spent $140,000 on advertising for this thing out of his own savings. A family stopped saving for their kids college because they figured 'what's the point?'. Another young family quit their jobs, spent their savings, and budgeted all their money up until May 21st. It'd all be fricking hilarious- if it wasn't people's lives (especially children) at stake.

That's just it though. This thing did have serious ramifications on those lives. People will wake up on May 22 with no means of financially supporting themselves. Their children will want food that just isn't there. Seeds of doubt will no doubt begin to creep into the minds of some, while others will forever shut that door in their minds because of this experience. Yes, there's the whole free will/personal choice angle- people are responsible for what they do with their own lives. Unfortunately, a religious system that can foster a culture of dependence does deserve at least a little bit of the blame. If our churches taught us to look at things critically- maybe someone like Camping fades quickly from the spotlight. Maybe Jim Jones doesn't coin the phrase "drink the kool-aid".

We all like to think that we are somehow immune to being deceived- that we have to be in the know because of x or y, and there is really no way that Satan is slipping one past our goalie. But do you really think that the Squad 5-21 woke up one morning and thought 'Hey, you know what? I really feel like being deceived this morning. I think I'm gonna turn on the radio and give up everything to follow the first crackpot I find'. Sure, there is wisdom in the Bible. Yes, there are pastors and speakers that can share messages that impact our lives. But at some level, we have to be able to think for ourselves. Maybe God doesn't want you to quit your job and move to another state- maybe you just feel homesick. It's highly possible that you weren't called to Ezio that abortion doctor- does it really make sense to kill in the name of pro-life? It could be that some wires got crossed and you were supposed to give that $140,000 to a more worthy cause- like me.

I hope the best for the May 21ers- especially the ones with young children. But I also hope that their tales will remain as cautionary reminders that if we merely listen to persuasive peddlers that we could very well end up on the other side of judgment day.

They may not pay me, but I can still represent. Yo.

One of the things I admire most about my blog is that it isn't specialized. I feel free to write about whatever I want, at any given time. I am not bound by the limits set by my particular subject matter- the world is my subject matter. I wouldn't go so far as to call myself a modern Renaissance Man...but I am a modern Renaissance Man.

Speaking of the Renaissance, that is the time period that I am going to take this blog to now...back in time, through a mysterious machine that allows people to relive the genetic memories of their ancestors. That's right folks- I'm talking about Assassins Creed.

I've been playing the game series for about a year now, ever since I picked up the first game in December of 2010- and I just love it. It's amazing, it's breathtaking, and it will not only knock your socks off- it will incinerate them with a blast of fiery breath from its nostrils.

The first game is definitely the weakest of the three, and I cannot imagine I'll play it again. It's not so much an indictment of that game, though, as it is praise to the quality of the later games. However, it is the birthplace of the franchise, so it will always have a special place in my heart.

I love these games for their basic tenets- you are an assassin- and you are free to roam around entire cities (which the peeps at Ubisoft went to painstaking lengths to make into very realistic digital replicas) and kill bad guys. Oh, and you can jump off of tall buildings into piles of hay. Sounds simple enough- but until you've seen the backdrop of Jerusalem from the Dome of the Rock...or Roma from the Coliseum, you have no idea how wondrous these games are.


I just recently picked up the most recent installment, Assassins Creed: Brotherhood, which is more of an "expansion" as opposed to a "sequel" to Assassins Creed II. And as much as I loved II way more than the first one, I think I love Brotherhood that much more than II.

Note: This is not in any way, shape, or form a thorough review on any of the Assassins Creed games. This is very much a quick blog about about the series and my nerdgasm for it. For more in-depth and detailed reviews, please visit here or here. I just recommend playing them, because you may grow to love them as I have.

First of all, I'm in love with addition of a crossbow as a weapon. I utilize it almost exclusively as my ranged weapon. I love to use my crossbow to shoot the guards that are on horseback (another fun new feature). If that guard was riding an armored horse, I will definitely steal it- and then use my sweet whistle to call the horse to me at a future point. There is a guild of assassins that I am responsible for, and can call on at any time. It's nice to have them come in and dispatch a unit of guards while I rummage through the deceased looking for coins and other trinkets like medicine or bullets. Sometimes, beggars will come up to me asking for money, and I will throw a smoke bomb instead.

I also really like the way that the game flow is set up. I mean, there is so much to do outside of the actual missions- I've played for several hours and am only about a third of the way through the game. And I love that! I love that my hard-earned money (well, scratch that. I got it as a Christmas present. Actually, I got the Xbox-360 version as a Christmas present. Which I had to take back to Wal-Mart and exchange for some toilet paper and pull-ups, because we were dirt poor around Christmas) is going to be worth it.

Assassins Creed: Brotherhood is the best game ever. I am Ezio de Audit....um, Jason Parks, and I approve this message.

PIC: http://www.gameinformer.com/games/assassins_creed_brotherhood/b/xbox360/archive/2010/06/14/e3-preview.aspx