Love+Love=Ermahgerd

Question- when was the last time your mind was blown?  If you didn't answer 'right this second', then you're wrong.  Because it's about to be.  Check this action out.

You're welcome.

Yes friends- it's Assassin's Creed and Heroclix, brought together, like a chocolate/peanut butter combo delivered direct to the fringes of society.  I'm in, like, nerd heaven.  I love Assassin's Creed.  I love Heroclix.  To have them both together at the same time...well, it's as if you like a girl, and you also like her sister, but you can't decide...so you just decide to start dating their mom.  That's what it's like for me.  That's what I'm feeling right now. 

That said, I don't believe that I'll see the perfect iteration of Ezio in Clix form until I get to heaven.  So I do have some nits to pick.  Overall I'm pretty stoked though.  So stoked that I decided to bring you my thoughts, in blog form.  Which I'm guessing you probably already figured out.

Warning- I'll probably reduce myself to quite a bit of Heroclixese here with a little Assassinish mixed in with zero form of  translation.  I'm a terrible ambassador of my passions.  Sue me.

(Wait, wait, don't sue me- because the only items I have of value are my clix and my Assassin's Creed PS3 collection!!!!!)

What I like:

1) The pose.  I'm not too crazy about the picture of the sculpt- there's just so much detail and color in the Ezio costume and this picture makes it look like they captured exactly none of that.  Nonetheless, it's a classic Ezio pose, and very reminiscent of a Renaissance-era crotch chop.

2) The Team Ability- I'm guessing you probably don't know much about Heroclix.  Let me just tell you that stealth is pretty spectacular.  In a game where range rules, the man who can't be seen is king.  True, there are ways to circumvent stealth, but by and large, stealth affords our friend Mr. Auditore here a very effective layer of protection.  The average figure is gonna have to mosey on over to our friend here and hope that they doesn't roll doubles 1s, 2s, or 3s (or 4s if they have a sucky attack value).  Because if they do, they're gonna get a hidden blade right to the face (or something...more on that in a minute).

For the most part, the team ability really a pretty cool representation of the combat system.  They attack, they miss, you attack, you hit (and usually kill, but that wouldn't make a very fun Clix ability).  Apparently most of the local militia (also known as 'guards') were pretty much terrible combatants, dressing up in their expensive armor every morning and waiting for some ridiculously skilled assassin to engage them in a duel and then kill them.  Gloriously. 

3) Most of the powers are pretty accurate and feel authentic to the experience of Ezio.  

Name of power (actual Heroclix power).  You with me?

• Roof running (Leap/climb)- Let me just tell you that I've played four Assassins Creed games and the joy and thrill of the Leap of Faith never gets old.  NEVER.  The idea of jumping off of stories high buildings- backwards, mind you- into shallow bales of hay and/or bushes of flowers goes so far over the line of Ridiculosity that after a couple dozen of these jumps, you start to rationalize how you're able to jump right out of the hay bale and continue running through the streets.  After a hundred or so, you start to believe that not only is this feat humanly possibly, but that you yourself could do it too.  After that, your wife ties you up and throws you in the trunk every time your family stops at a building taller than ten feet.  You bet your sweet bippy that every single time I move Ezio off of some elevated terrain, I'm going to be making the eagle screech while I pick my figure up off the table and drop him onto his back in the next square. 
• Altaïr's Armor (Invulnerability)- This is such a clever nod to the game play, it's not even funny.  In the game, Altaïr uses a mystical relic, the Apple of Eden, to create the perfect armor, made out of some new mystery metal (probably unobtanium) that is extremely strong (maximum health), unbreakable- and light enough to allow "complete freedom".  Ezio usually obtains this towards the end of game play, after collecting the six seals to unlock the tomb (or something).  Assuming that most characters in the Clix-creed system have damage values of 1-2 (again...more on that in a minute), his armor will be de facto impenetrable.  Well played, WizKids...well played.
• Poison Blade (Poison)- One of the most discreet ways to kill foes is by jabbing them with the hollow blade filled with poison.  It's super effective because it's not a flashy kill- you just sort of step up to them and stick them quickly with the blade, and then the punctured person starts to flail around like a zombie doing the Monster Mash, and everybody just sort of stands back and watches (or gets nailed by a wayward zombie arm) until the deceased falls to the ground and you can totally loot them of all their stuff (if you can tolerate people talking about your blasphemy).  My two favorite things to do with poison are: 
• Go up behind a group of guards and stab one of the ones in the rear (note: I'm stabbing a guard in the rear of the group, not stabbing a guard in his personal rear), and then just watch as the rest of the guards continue on their rounds.  Either that or I get bored and just go kill the rest of the guards.  
• Bribe a herald (which cost 500 florins), stick him, and then wait until he stopped spazzing and get my money back.  I know he's just doing his job, telling all the people about the dangerous assassin, but come on, man- 500 bones?  That's a lot of dough, and I'm not made of money.  Not until late in the game, anyways.

 4) I'm 33 years old.  I've been married for seven years.  I have two children.   I graduated from college.  And I guffawed out loud when I looked up at my open Ezio-clix tab and saw that it said "Ass-creed".  Hehe.  Hehe.  Hehe.  "Ass-creed".

Of course, the grass is always Tuscan Ember-er on the other side, and signore Ezio is no exception.  Here's what I don't like:

1) If any Heroclix figure EVER deserved a special power granting combat reflexes and super senses, it's Ezio.  I mean, that's sort of the whole 'parry/dodge' combat system.  You basically just hold down that L1 button when you're being attacked, time the counter just right, and go into berserk mode with the chain kills.  I would have rather seen Ezio's defense peak at a natural 17 and have a special power granting him those two defensive powers (CR/SS) than the natural 18 with mastermind- that's how Ezio fights. 

Speaking of Mastermind....

2)  The presence of Mastermind, period.  I don't like it.  On the HCRealms discussion board, one dude eloquently described the Mastermind-special power as representing the Assassin's guild (which at this point Ezio was pretty much in charge of) and how they'd lay their lives down for the cause.  I'm actually fine with that, for the most part.  I just think that in the Clix combat system, his abilities would be better represented by the CR/SS combo.

Especially since they named the power 'Blend'.  'Blend' is obviously not sloughing off damage to some simpleton who is too inspired to know any better.  'Blend' is when Ezio is chilling with a compact group of civilians and your screen flashes wavy green and all of a sudden the guards can't see you.  In a perfect world, I would have combined 'Blend' with the team ability and made it so that Ezio could use stealth if he was adjacent to one or more friendly characters.  

3) If you've played the Assassin's Creed games, you know that Ezio is basically Batman in the 1400s.  Armed to the teeth, he has probably a couple dozen weapons to choose from and even though he doesn't have them all at once (his clothes are pretty much a bat belt though), at any given time he can kill a guard by:

• Hidden blade
• Poison blade
• Shooting a poison dart
• Throwing knives
• Dagger
• Sword
• Pistol (built into his gauntlet)
• Crossbow
• Bomb

And they represent this by a 4 range and 1 target????  I think his ranged capabilities would have been better represented by a special power giving him a choice of either 4 range with 3 targets (the throwing knives) or 8 range with 1 target (crossbow).   To me, that would have pretty much made any other shortcoming inconsequential- the fact that they missed the opportunity amplifies them instead.

Additionally, the number of 1s and 2s on the damage slot is a little disconcerting.  Would a couple of 3s killed anyone?  I mean...you know what I mean!  Sure, he's a mere man- I don't expect any Hulk-level shenanigans here.  But if Ezio comes across any sort of damage reduction at all (which, in a set bound to be populated with suits of armor, is not out of the realm of possibility), he's basically going to end up dealing out more paper cuts and scrapes than he is awesome death blows.

Pictured- Ezio dealing out awesome death blows

4)  A couple of other powers were missed, pretty egregiously I might add.  First off, his hidden blade.  I know, I know- the card says Hidden Blade (Close Combat Expert).   But when I'm ramming my hidden blade into that guards skull, it doesn't feel like I'm having my damage increased by 2- it feels like I'm dealing penetrating damage (to his brain.  And now he's dead.  BOOM).  That screams 'Exploit Weakness' to me.  Especially if they lined it up with his blades/claws/fangs, giving him the potential to deal 6 penetrating damage.  Powerful?  Sure.  But this is Ezio freaking Auditore.  This guy should be able to one-hit KO street level characters and strike fear into the hearts of more powerful foes.  Not that he doesn't do that to a degree....just not to the degree that he could/should be.

The other power blatantly missing is some form of willpower.  Pretty much any character can have an argument made for them to have willpower- but it's one of Ezio's defining characteristics.  More than the unrivaled badassness and weapons proficiency, Ezio is such a compelling character because of his drive and determination to lead humanity to the truth- even in face of sickeningly overwhelming odds, delicious conspiracies, and the death of pretty much everyone that is close to him.  He keeps plugging along through thirty-plus years and three video games.  And in the end, he's able to walk away from it all because of the love of a beautiful woman.  Which doesn't really tie into willpower at all, but seriously- Sofia is a foxy lady.

As long as you don't look at her face.  (Sorry ladies)

Overall- I do like the dial.  I'm a little discouraged by some of the shortcomings, especially since I can't see another Ezio figure coming out from this time period (there will be an Ezio from Revelations though, which gives me hope), but overall it does feel like it could be Ezio, and with the proper support (AKA, his fellow Assassins), Ezio could very well prove to be the stone-cold killer that is near and dear to my heart.

PIC- Ezio- http://heroclix.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/ass-creed-preview.jpg
Suddenly clear Clarence- http://knowyourmeme.com/photos/296645-sudden-clarity-clarence
Ezio killing- http://www.gameseyeview.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/11/Assassins-Creed-Brotherhood-Photos3.jpg
Sofia- http://images3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20110922214556/assassinscreed/images/6/68/Sofia-.png

Assassins Creed: Revelations comes out today...which means I won't be getting it for a couple months

This blog is one of those rare entities where the title of my blog pretty much says what I want the whole blog to say.  And if you want to leave right now, I wouldn't blame you.  You've probably spent minutes, if not hours, reading my posts before only to arrive at the end with your neck involuntarily spasming and contracting your face into your desk.  So leave now if you must.  I won't hold it against you.  You'll just miss out on the chance to win free money.

Now that I have you hooked, I'm going to tell you that there actually is no chance at winning free money.  But hahaha- you're hooked!  You can't just leave now!  You'd look/feel foolish.  So even though you'll keep reading until the end with slightly blushing cheeks and an increasingly complex plan for vengeance, by the time you reach the end of this I'll most likely be washing my hair in another country.  Also, you'll notice that I've managed to stretch a blog that admittedly was summarized in the title into two whole paragraphs. 

(I just wanted a chance to show a picture of pre-meltingly hot Patrick McDreamy Pants)

But let's get down to some business. Because I do actually have something I would consider to be relevant commentary on the thesis I proposed in my title.

Yes, the new Assassins Creed game (Revelations) comes out today and I want it- bad.  In fact, on my Wishpot wish list, I gave it the highest desire ranking I could-  I neeeed it!  I've played through the first three games (although Assassins Creed: Revelations is not Assassins Creed IV...it's more like II.III), and could conceivably never own another (non-Assassins Creed) game for the rest of my life.  They're amazing.


The Assassins Creed games are basically every dudes fantasy set a few hundred years in the past.  Your whole job is to climb up buildings, kick butt, mess with the local police force, and sometimes kill bad guys.  You have an almost unlimited means of income.  You can rent women.  At any given time, you'll have a pistol, two hidden daggers, a sword, a knife, some vials of poison, and several throwing blades on your person.  You are always in peak physical fitness and you can traipse around the city wearing robes and armor.  In other words, this is exactly the kind of stuff we used to play when we were kids, except our weapons were sticks and women were still the enemy (cooties are much like a weaponized Krippen virus back then).  I don't need to buy any more video games ever...that is, until they make a new Assassins Creed game.
 

I'm mostly joking when I say this, but that's pretty much what capitalism is built on- the production and consumption of things that we don't really need.  And the people that make these things (and the people that market them) are very, VERY good at their jobs.  Sure, I don't need this game at all in a technical sense, and I definitely need things like toilet paper, gasoline, and a place to live much more than I need to roam around virtual Constantinople in the 1500s. I know these things in my head.  I know the the games $59.99 price tag will go down considerably after a few months, and I'll be able to play the same game but for cheaper (while also having a home where I can wipe my bum with the toilet paper I drove to the store to buy).

But that didn't stop me from having to basically strap myself to a chair and take myself offline over the past week as my mind kept trying to figure out some way, any way, to get my hands on that game on the day it came out.  "How much cushion do we have in the checking account?  How much remaining balance is on that credit card?  How much could I get if I sold this game or that book or those children?  Hey, I could order from here and open a new account...".  Even though I rationally understand that the ability to wait will give us added financial stability while saving money in the long run, my brain was still trying to convince me to just go ahead and get the game already.  Thanks a lot, brain.

Please understand, I'm not looking for sympathy (maybe a little) or a handout (although I wouldn't give it back)- I'm just relaying the ridiculous struggle that I'm sure millions of Americans go through when their favorite book/movie/game/toy is released to stores.  Somehow, whether from our parents or our friends or commercials or our own humanity (or a combination of the above), we get roped into the capitalist mindset and struggle to suppress immediate gratification for trivia even though the practical situational reality should work just fine to ensure that we focus our energies on the bottom parts of the hierarchy.  You know, just things like FOOD.  WATER.  SHELTER.


Capitalism doesn't want to hear that noise though, so they created credit cards.  And while things have changed in recent years to make things less unfair for credit card users (including not having college kids sitting around giving out free t-shirts for signing up for your first credit card), that doesn't change the reality for myself and millions of Americans. 

I don't think this is a moral issue or something where it makes me (and people like me) somehow 'inferior' to others.  The system was created to exploit us!  I'm frustrated that the Occupy Wall Street dividing line seems to be between hippie socialists and stoic Great Depression survivors.  Many on the stoic side say , "If I want something I just save for it.  I don't live past my means".  Which is, by all accounts, outstanding.  I commend you.  That doesn't give you the right to look down on the rest of us, but I commend you.

Unfortunately, that's not everybody.  And it isn't that I want a bailout, or a do-over.  I made mistakes- I know that, I own them, and have no problem paying back the money that I borrowed against my future to pay for the present. That's my role in all this.  I may not have completely understood the ramifications, but I at least knew that I'd have to pay this money back.

The system is still screwed up though.  It's designed around people like me.  Without people like me, it falls apart.  So they use crazy powerful science to manipulate our feelings, emotions, thinking and get us to desire things that we don't really need (or even want)...and then they give us the means to purchase those things even when we don't have the means.  That's why I'm generally for the Occupy movement.  The system is designed to keep the masses suppressed and immobilized while a select few hold onto the resources and power in our society.

But I'm getting slightly off topic.  I honestly didn't mean to turn this into anti-capitalist propaganda.  I actually was hoping primarily to talk about how I'm refocusing my other blog.  You know, the Sojourn Boulevard one?  What am I talking about- of course you remember.  Pretend like I didn't even question.

I'm pretty much turning it into my own little on-line journal/diary/what have you about Ezio's escapades through late 15th-early 16th century Italy.  There's three games (as well as some novels and a wiki), so I should have lots of info for plenty of shenanigans to keep me busy.  I will miss the Darth Vader/Dr. Manhattan/Ezio roomie situation (and possibly one day will bring it back), but in the end I just don't have the chops to pull it off right now.  Not that I have the chops to pull of most of what I write, but hey, what do you expect?  Don't look for it anytime soon necessarily- I've actually taken it offline for the time being- because I'm trying to focus more on seriousy type stuff.  But I just wanted to let you, the faithful reader, be in the know before the know gets known.  Ya know?

So now- aren't you glad you finished reading this post?  Please, don't answer that.

PIC- https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZpEv46uXahSw9S0bZ8K8ogVBbeobrWDV1A6PFsATEd8fUf_W40iEcjnl3g5JUTSbZFYxwxaukGEFoWUH2V0XjnMKVWzceQAIWsbgJ7PDsw9GQDs3xVaHyD8c2eVdvNRw4UW3yOvNyBRk/s1600/Can-t-Buy-Me-Love-caps-patrick-dempsey-7134090-720-528.jpg

They may not pay me, but I can still represent. Yo.

One of the things I admire most about my blog is that it isn't specialized. I feel free to write about whatever I want, at any given time. I am not bound by the limits set by my particular subject matter- the world is my subject matter. I wouldn't go so far as to call myself a modern Renaissance Man...but I am a modern Renaissance Man.

Speaking of the Renaissance, that is the time period that I am going to take this blog to now...back in time, through a mysterious machine that allows people to relive the genetic memories of their ancestors. That's right folks- I'm talking about Assassins Creed.

I've been playing the game series for about a year now, ever since I picked up the first game in December of 2010- and I just love it. It's amazing, it's breathtaking, and it will not only knock your socks off- it will incinerate them with a blast of fiery breath from its nostrils.

The first game is definitely the weakest of the three, and I cannot imagine I'll play it again. It's not so much an indictment of that game, though, as it is praise to the quality of the later games. However, it is the birthplace of the franchise, so it will always have a special place in my heart.

I love these games for their basic tenets- you are an assassin- and you are free to roam around entire cities (which the peeps at Ubisoft went to painstaking lengths to make into very realistic digital replicas) and kill bad guys. Oh, and you can jump off of tall buildings into piles of hay. Sounds simple enough- but until you've seen the backdrop of Jerusalem from the Dome of the Rock...or Roma from the Coliseum, you have no idea how wondrous these games are.


I just recently picked up the most recent installment, Assassins Creed: Brotherhood, which is more of an "expansion" as opposed to a "sequel" to Assassins Creed II. And as much as I loved II way more than the first one, I think I love Brotherhood that much more than II.

Note: This is not in any way, shape, or form a thorough review on any of the Assassins Creed games. This is very much a quick blog about about the series and my nerdgasm for it. For more in-depth and detailed reviews, please visit here or here. I just recommend playing them, because you may grow to love them as I have.

First of all, I'm in love with addition of a crossbow as a weapon. I utilize it almost exclusively as my ranged weapon. I love to use my crossbow to shoot the guards that are on horseback (another fun new feature). If that guard was riding an armored horse, I will definitely steal it- and then use my sweet whistle to call the horse to me at a future point. There is a guild of assassins that I am responsible for, and can call on at any time. It's nice to have them come in and dispatch a unit of guards while I rummage through the deceased looking for coins and other trinkets like medicine or bullets. Sometimes, beggars will come up to me asking for money, and I will throw a smoke bomb instead.

I also really like the way that the game flow is set up. I mean, there is so much to do outside of the actual missions- I've played for several hours and am only about a third of the way through the game. And I love that! I love that my hard-earned money (well, scratch that. I got it as a Christmas present. Actually, I got the Xbox-360 version as a Christmas present. Which I had to take back to Wal-Mart and exchange for some toilet paper and pull-ups, because we were dirt poor around Christmas) is going to be worth it.

Assassins Creed: Brotherhood is the best game ever. I am Ezio de Audit....um, Jason Parks, and I approve this message.

PIC: http://www.gameinformer.com/games/assassins_creed_brotherhood/b/xbox360/archive/2010/06/14/e3-preview.aspx