YWL: Season 1, Week 1

These are the highlights of Week 1.  Let's see how this goes, shall we?  Victor is in bold.   

WCW:

Michael Jackson vs Tim Tebow. I don't know if this is going to be a feud or like a wrestling one-night stand. You know, like a 'Hey, I wrestle. You wrestle. We both need a match. Why don't we just wrestle each other?'-type of hook up. It'd be a cool feud though. Nay, it would be a HIStorical feud.  Get it?  HIStorical?  Because Michael Jackson has a CD named HIStory...and their feud would be historohnevermind 
 
In the end, Michael Jackson defeated God's H-back via submission.  Yes, you read that correctly. 

This guy...

...made this guy tap out.  Who says video game wrestling isn't real?

Empire (Of Pain) vs Avengers
If this doesn't become a full-blown feud, then gosh darn it I'm going to make it one.  Let us count the reasons why: 
1) It's a tag team of freaking Sith Lords and they come into the ring to the Imperial march, which is only one of the baddest assest pieces of film score ever.
2) It's a tag team of the freaking Avengers, or at least the cool ones.
3) It's freaking destined to be.

So....that's like 3 reasons why.  But that's like, 300% more reasons than I have for most of the things that I do.

These tag team entrances are the greatest thing ever, if I do say so myself.  As mentioned, you have the two coolest Sith Lords ever, Imperially marching up the aisles to a raining cascade of kayfabe boos while the Avengers come out with Captain America riding in a jeep and waving the American flag while exhorting the crowd to stand up and get their 'Americuh' on.   

Pictured: Getting your 'Americuh' on

Shane and I played against each other for this match, so whoever he picked was going to win.  But even though the Avengers have to win in the end (it's in the wrestling by-laws), my hope is that the Empire (Of Pain) will be able to assert themselves as a dominant heel force in the Tag Team division.

Beth Phoenix vs One of the Bella twins
A couple of real wrestlers, albeit female ones.  Not that females can't be real wrestlers, I just...(shutting up).  Really the only reason that I kept any of the Divas (WWE's word, not mine) is because Delaney made her own wrestler and the game won't let girls and guys come to blows in the ring.

If I can wax a bit serious here- I'm not sure what to think about the whole 'women wrestler' thing.  I feel like if it were to be done correctly, it could be empoweringish to women, but in its current state it seems to go about as far as you can in the opposite direction.  That is, they give the girls just enough time to trot out in their skimpy outfits and do their sultry dances for the hornball male viewers and maybe even do a wrestling move or two before getting shuffled off to the back to look pretty in cheesy skits.

Nonetheless, I'm okay with letting Delaney use her created wrestler (for future reference, a CAW) to wrestle some matches in this game.  I do think there is some value in trying to ingrain in her early on that, short of peeing while standing and refusing to ask for directions, there aren't many things that men should have sole propriety over.

Rorschach vs Carnage
This match ended in a draw, thanks to some interference by the Red Hulk, who came hauling out from backstage to deliver a pair of One-handed Spinebusters to the incognizant heroes.

I absolutely love interfering on this game.  With the simple push of the triangle button, you have a Hammy-on-steroids-laced-caffeine way to start a feud or give a desired feud a HUGE boost.  Interference also seems to help wrestlers to quickly climb the championship ranking system.  For example, Rorschach, who in our match today played the part of someone getting spinebusted, actually climbed 26 spots on the WCW Heavyweight belt list.  Meanwhile, Tim Tebow dropped 5 spots.  Although he did lose to a guy who couldn't even out-agonistic Paul McCartney. 

The moral of the story, kids?  There is more honor in getting cheap-shotted by the Red Hulk than there is in being forced to submit to the guy who had sleepovers with Kevin McCallister.

Hulk vs Dolph Ziggler
Ziggler is one of the only real wrestlers in my WCW.  I don't know if it's because he was a member of the Spirit Squad and I'm just overly sympathetic or because of his marvelous hair- but I love this guy.  Plus he stands on his head in the ring- during matches!  I've heard him called a modern day Mr. perfect, and that's a very apt description.  A consummate heel and one of my favorite modern-day wrestlers.

Oh, and did I mention that Super Mario came out about half-way through the match like he was going to team up with the Hulk and then he just NAILED THE HULK RIGHT IN THE GUT!!!  Sort of random, but I'm sort of excited about the potential here.

And after Ziggler finally pinned the Hulk (after two near falls- great, great match), Thor came out to the entrance ramp and intimidatingly stared at Ziggler.  That's why you shouldn't mess with the Avengers...because they will avenge their friends with intimidating stares from across a crowded arena.


Raw is War:

Job Squad vs. New Age Outlaws

Raw is War (seriously thinking about adding a "...spelled backwards" to the title.  Hopefully the system lets me) has many more "real" wrestlers than WCW does, although there's still several created characters in order to keep mine/the kids' interest.  The Job Squad is a team of those guys.  Made up of Homestarrunner and Beavis, they aren't going to winning many titles...or even many matches.  They're just there to rid in on a bike and make the kids chuckle.

Despite their low standing in the company, the Job Squad put up a heck of a fight against one of the better tag teams in the game.  Actually, Beavis did most of the wrestling- I'm not actually sure where Homestarrunner was. 

Lita vs Natalya-
Natalya is exhibit A of the misuse and borderline discrimination by the WWE against the women's wrestlers (really, I'm surprised they couldn't find a more degrading term than "Divas").  A very talented wrestler with a tremendous family pedigree...and yet as recently as last year (maybe more recently, I haven't been paying attention) she was starring in  flatulence spots.  Props to her for making the best of the situation...but I can't imagine a more degrading situation they could have put her in.

Enough about that- back to the YWL.  Lita basically slammed her foe through the barricade and won via countout.    

Raphael vs Rey Mysterio
In a perfect world with more than 50 CAW slots, I would have downloaded all of the Ninja Turtles AND Casey Jones and made them into the most unstoppable stable that wrestling has ever seen.  Unfortunately, I couldn't afford to devote 1/10th of my slots to the TMNT squad- not when I had to save spots for Willie Wonka and Spongebob.  So alas, I had to settle for Raph (my all-time favorite Turtle) with variant costumes of his pizza pals.

As for the match?  Oh.  Well, Rey won.  The highlight though was when Mysterio got up on the top ropes in an attempt to Rope Flip Raph- and ended up completely whiffing on it.  Basically it looked like he tried to do a purposeful cannonball onto the concrete floor.  Nonetheless, he survived that mistake (and Raph's early assaults) to win by pinfall.

Godfather versus The Rock
My initial goal for the YWL was to have as few real life wrestlers as possible, and even fewer matches between real wrestlers.  But I'm purposefully staying with the match cards that the CPU gives me, in hopes that there is sweet payoff down the road.

Godfather won even though I was playing as the Rock.  I was only playing because I wanted to show the kids the People's Elbow...but I ended up doing the Rock Bottom instead.  I'm so sorry children.

Triple H vs. Randy Orton
As of press time, D-X OWNS Raw Is War.  They hold the Tag Team AND World Heavyweight championships.  Coincidentally, I happen to be a member of D-X.  Whoah, that's weird.  How did that happen?

Triple H is the aforementioned World Heavyweight champion.  Randy Orton is one of the top-five contenders for said championship.  So imagine my surprise when Shane O'Mac came out and leveled both guys.  That's about thirty levels of WHAT THE HECK JUST HAPPENED THERE, WWE 13????

First of all, I spent a good amount of time going through and making sure that all of the "inactive" wrestlers didn't have any allies or rivals that were active PRECISELY to avoid this sort of thing.  I didn't download close to 50 comic characters, pop-culture figures, and politicians so that I could watch Vince McMahon's goofy kid come between The Game and The Apex Predator.

Second of all, this.

That concludes the synopses of my main shows.  As part of my schedule, there's also a weekly show called "NXT".  It's basically like a bonus show to help feuds progress and give other wrestlers a chance at the screen...I guess?  So I don't know how I'll approach writing about this show.  At this time, I'll be just documenting the results.  Why?  I don't know.

NXT results:
The Governator defeats Venom
Edward Cullen defeats Homestar
Lita defeats Natalya (again)
Darth Vader defeats Michael Jackson (Potential feud alert- Darth went to give him the 'ol "Good game" hand shake post-match and Michael Jackson slapped it away)
Spider-man defeats Ronald McDonald and Sponge-bob (Spidey did the 'Hey man, great game' hand-raise to Ronald McDonald)

End of the week ranking jumps
The Red Hulk/Carnage/Rorschach interference match paid immediate dividends.  Carnage is now the #2 contender for the WCW Heavyweight title/European championships.  Rorschach jumped from #29 to #3- just for getting jumped!  Red Hulk, meanwhile, went from bottom feeding at #32 to the #5 contender slot. 

On the Raw Is War side, Homestarrunner jumped to #15 in the Heavyweight Championship race (from #32) despite being largely a spectator in The Job Squad's loss to The New Age Outlaws.  I smell a premature push.  The Job Squad did move up five spots to #5 in the Tag Team rankings, although if you think that there's any chance that they get past the Outlaws, the Brothers of Destruction (link), AND the Road Warriors...then I only got TWO. WORDS. FOR YA.

Un likely?

Here's my current champions in each league:

WCW:
WCW Heavyweight Championship- Skeletor
European Championship- Sting
World Tag Team Championship- The Justice League
Divas Championship- Beth Phoenix

Raw Is War:
World Heavyweight Championship- Triple H
Intercontinental Championship- CM Punk
Tag Team Championship- D-Generation X
World's Championship- Delaney

Until next week fellows!

Marvel vs. DC- The Marvel Machine (offense)

One of the advantages of being a stay-at-home dad is that I get put into inspirational situations that might not occur if I was a working man with kids in daycare.  The other day, in the process of playing with my children, I found myself holding a Spider-man toy and a little killer whale toy.  I tucked the killer whale under Spider-man's arm, like a football.  Being a man who loves football and comics, I started to think about which comic characters would be good at what football positions.  If you thought it was ridiculous that I wrote so much about my Fantasy Football teams, then you should probably just skip this blog and tune in later in the week, when I may or may not write about something that actually holds meaning in the real life.

I put together 2 teams- one for Marvel (the Marvel Machine) and one for DC (the DC Stars).  I'll be analyzing each player in their role on the team.  Each squad will also have a head coach and offensive/defensive coordinators.  Please don't tell me this is a waste of time- this is the essence of life, brother!

Here's the starters for the Marvel offense.  All information taken from marvel.com.  All photographs taken from comicvine.com.

Quarterback- Captain America
6'2", 220 lbs

Stevo here might not have the most physical gifts in the Marvel U, but he makes up for it by having one of the few documented throwing arms in comics- and leadership that is off the charts. If I'm down by a touchdown in the fourth quarter, I want someone behind center who can inspire the troops to rise above their circumstances- not to mention someone I know can actually throw a football.

Running back- Black Panther
6', 200 lbs

Black Panther might seem like an upset pick at running back- but with his combination of speed, quickness, agility, and a suit that absorbs the kinetic energy of oncoming tacklers, Black Panther is a great asset to this Machine team.  Besides, anyone could run through the holes that this guy will be opening up...

Fullback- Juggernaut
9'5", 1900 lbs

When somebody's shtick is "Cannot be stopped while moving", you have to find that person a way to run the football.  Think 'Refrigerator Perry' if Perry was an actual refrigerator.  I like Juggernaut at fullback because whether he's toting the ball or just blasting the hole for Black Panther, he's going to be taking defenders to the hospital- probably in black bags, to be put in the hospital refrigerator.  That's what I call the circle of life, friends.

Wide receiver- Nightcrawler
5'9", 161 lbs

Let's forget all about his time in the Munich circus, the natural agility, and the quickness in space.  The dude can teleport.  From here to there, in an instant.  BAMF.  All that other stuff is just icing on the cake- Nightcrawler is a match-up nightmare.  Sure, he has to be able to see where he's going.  But I'm pretty sure that's not going to be an issue on the football field, what with it's tons of open space.  I realize that Nightcrawler doesn't always have that luxury.

Maybe we should run at least a few normal routes.  Just to be safe, ya know?

Wide receiver- Mr. Fantastic
6'1" (variable), 180 lbs

The perfect possession wide receiver.  Think about it- variable height/arm length, so you just throw it up there, and he's going to get it.  The intelligence to find the soft spots in the zone.  Sure, he's probably slow afoot- but you don't need to be Ted Ginn, Jr. when you can just stretch your arms to wherever the ball is.  And you don't need to have Larry Fitzgerald hands when you can just make your paws big enough to swallow the football whole.  Blocking?  How would you break through a wall of silly putty? 

Tight end- Giant Man
6', 185 lbs (variable)

My affinity for versatility betrays itself with this pick.  With his special Pym Particles to help him shrink to ant size or grow to 30+ feet tall, Giant Man can either play the role of third WR or huge, hulking TE- often combining multiple roles on the same play.  Did I mention he's a genius?  Nothing like trying to cover a three-story building that is all of a sudden an insect and then all of a sudden becomes a three-story building again...in the back of the endzone.  With the ball.  In your face.

Tackle- Groot
Very Variable

Who better to protect your quarterbacks blindside than a walking, talking tree who wants to take over the world?  I'm a little worried that he might be a little too stiff legged (zing) but I'm guessing if he gets those big 'ol log-mitts into your shoulder pads at all, you're going to be rooted in place (badumCRASH).  Sorry about the bad jokes- I'm trying to branch out (oh stop it stop it!!!). 

Guard- Volstagg
6'8", 1425 lbs

The guy is on the team if for no other reason than he ensures that the post-game spread is going to be a feast fit for an almost-god.  Of course, there's a good chance he'll devour it before anyone else gets so much as a chicken wing.  But there's more to like about Volstagg than just his traveling catering team.  Weight about as much as an entire normal-human offensive line, Volstagg moves well enough to be able to pull out on sweeps, and get to the second and third levels on run plays. Not sure if he has the endurance to actually do that, but the theory is sound.

Center- Hercules
6'5", 325 lbs

Okay, so maybe a drunken wrestler deity isn't the best choice to be handling the O-line calls.  But the alternative was Mephisto.  Say what you want about Hercules, but no way in hell I'm trusting anything to the god of lies.  No offense, Mephisto.  Besides, Hercs background in wrestling will serve him well in the trenches.  And he just looks so cute there next to those other behemoths!

Guard- Thing
6', 500 lbs

Sort of a no-brainer choice, Thing has the strength and toughness that any team wants with an interior lineman.  I don't know how much he'll be pulling, but I can't think of too many guys I'd want to run a short yardage play behind.

Tackle- Absorbing Man
6'4, 365 lbs (variable)

Quick question- it's not considered holding if you don't technically "grab" the jersey, right?  Because I'm just picturing Absorbing Man getting his hands onto the pads of the guy he's blocking (legally, of course) and just...well, just sort of 'absorbing' his hands onto the opponents jersey.  It's hard to rush the passer when you've suddenly carrying around an extra 365 variable pounds of offensive tackle.

Special Teams:

Kicker/Punter- Bullseye
6', 175 lbs

I'm pretty sure that there are tons of folks in comic books that have super strong legs.  But in a comic book football game, you don't need a strong leg as much as you need a leg that can accomplish what you need it to accomplish every single time.  Field position will be paramount.  Points are of the essence.  So you need a field goal kicker who can make all of his kicks fly true and a punter whose coffin corner punts always hit the sweet spot inside the five.  So naturally, you take a sociopath who can turn any object into a weapon and is renowned for his deadly accuracy.

Kick/punt returns- Nightcrawler and Juggernaut.  Yo.  The choice is obvious.  

Head coach- Professor Xavier

In addition to being a brilliant tactician and a well-spoken motivator, Xavier can do two things that every football coach should be able to do but that few can.

1) He can read minds.  Even if he decides to not read the minds of the DC players, he'll be able to read the minds of his own.  He'll know which of his players is in the zone, which of his players stayed out partying too late last night, and which of his players just peed his pants. Sure, Cerebro is a little unwieldy to have on the side-lines- but no more unwieldy than say, Andy Reid.


 2) He can make people do what they don't want to do.  It's called mind control, sweet heart, and this ain't for the faint of heart- this is football, dammit!  Black Panther, I know some of those D-Linemen look like they want to literally eat you for lunch, but you will....run....in...thhhhhee....crap, lost the connection.  And my starting running back.

Offensive coordinator- Loki

The DC defense is going to likely be able to match the Marvel offense in physical acumen- so the play calling needs to keep the defense off balance.  Who better to be in charge of setting up the Marvel game plan the the God of Mischief?  I for one would love to see what kinds of trick plays the guy who plots to steal the Odin-power could come up with.  Flea flickers?  Statue of Liberty?  Quintuple reverse?  Ah, you think too small, friends!

Tune in Friday for the Marvel Machines Defense!