They say that "an apple a day keeps the doctor away"- but apparently if you fraternize one time with Mr. Apple will set
into motion a chain of events which leads to the downfall of an entire
organization.
Pictured: The face of corporate decept-hey, is that Wildcat Willie??
Let's just get this out there right now- the YWL is no more.
Seeing as I've seemingly made it my life's work to write about things I want to do and then just going out and not doing them, I'm imagining that there's not a lot of surprise out there in Cyberspacelandia. However, since wrestling is involved, you can't trust what your eyes are seeing and what your brain is telling you. Because there is a swerve here of epic proportions, I need you all to sit down because I am about to blow your mind through the bottom of your pants.
Our story begins (and ends) with three key ingredients. There is a CAW of Mr. Apple. There is a bug in the WWE '13 game itself. And there is kayfabe. Like a good magician, I'm going to give you a step by step explanation of the science behind my illusion so that you know exactly how you got tricked. Except that is not what good magicians do. Also, I suppose good writers stay away from mixing metaphors. But we're well past the point of pretending that I am actually a good writer.
Let's start with Mr. Apple. To most people, Mr. Apple is Steve Jobs. But to Marquettians- Mr. Apple is a mysterious dude in a mascot suit who stands on the corner of Washington and Third during the summer to tout the wares of Farmer Q's. Pretty much the run-of-the-mill mascot- but to the kids (at least mine), it might as well be the Pied Piper handing out Turbo Man dolls. THIS JUST IN: Kids love dudes in goofy costumes.
As I've stated a few times, much of my motivation for doing this whole league is to have something fun and crazy to do with the kids. So when we passed Mr. Apple on the streets that fateful afternoon, I just knew that Mr. Apple was destined to set foot in the squared circle against the likes of The Rock, Stone Cold, and Homestarrunner. Doggone it though- all of my CAW slots were taken up with those othergoofs.
(Clearly there is a second PS3 user
name that I'm sloughing off some of the additional "Hey, that guy would
be awesome to have in a wrestling game" CAW slots onto- but for the
purposes of this post, you don't know that).
What to do?
Well, I decided to usurp my resident Spongebob CAW- for a few reasons.
1) I have different plans for Spongebob.
2) It's freaking Mr. Apple.
3) Somebody else already did the work to create a mascotly shaped puffy body.
Once the decision was made, the creative process didn't take real long. After a few minutes of adjusting some colors, sizes, and shapes- PRESTO- welcome to the YWL, Mr. Apple.
It is here that I bring up the glitch- or, more ominously, The Glitch.
Apparently, as is standard practice amongst video game companies, WWE 13 was released slightly unfinished and with a few bugs. You can read about them here. One of those bugs would completely reset the teams and rosters of the WWE 13 universe mode. They did release a patch shortly afterwards to fix some of the above glitches, and since I purchased the game several months after the premature release/patch process, I have only known the patch. Unfortunately, the WWE Universe mode reset glitch was not (at least fully) addressed during the lone patch. Unfortunatelyer, THQ went bankrupt and dissolved in January and any subsequent follow-up patches went by the wayside.
The end result was chaos. Altering my Spongebob into Mr. Apple undid all of my tag teams and reset the rosters to their default setting. While my CAWs were in their updated slots and the rivalries stayed intact for the most part, the rest of it pretty much went back to stock mode. Which means that a lot of time and effort went out the window and my Universe mode was left in shambles.
Needless to say (but said anyways), I was Frust. Rated. I don't want to embellish my reaction, but I seriously began to think it would be easy to just let the whole thing crash and burn, chalked up as another failure of the impulsive loud mouth ramblings of the idiot that runs this blog.
It is here that I bring kayfabe into the equation.
To the uninundated, kayfabe is basically the set of "rules" that govern the wrestling universe. It's the understanding between the wrestler and the fans that basically acknowledges the actions of said wrestler within his wrestling "universe" are "real" for the sake of enhancing the performance. For we, the fan, our part in kayfabe is to "play along" even though we know the scripted, pre-determined nature of what we are witnessing.
It's what makes wrestling awesome instead of just watching some well-oiled grown ups play make-believe fighting. It's also what has given second life to my ludicrous meanderings for at least another day.
So please disregard everything I have said about my stupid video game getting reset because I decided to turn Spongebob into an Apple mascot. That's not what happened. Actually the YWL folded due to lack of financial solvency. Poor attendance at televised events, low ratings, and an insufficient buy rate for "Hit Guys With Chairs" led to the untimely demise of the company. Fortunately for you, the fan sitting at home, it didn't stay demised for long. It was absorbed into the bigger, financially more powerful (and definitely not going to be messing with the roster-ness) of the YWA- Youshouldknowjasonparks Wrestling Association.
And next week, I'll be absorbing the YWA into you.
These are the highlights of Week 1. Let's see how this goes, shall we? Victor is in bold.
WCW:
Michael Jackson vs Tim Tebow.
I don't know if this is going to be a feud or like a wrestling one-night stand. You know, like a 'Hey, I wrestle. You wrestle. We both need a match. Why don't we just wrestle each other?'-type of hook up. It'd be a cool feud though. Nay, it would be a HIStorical feud. Get it? HIStorical? Because Michael Jackson has a CD named HIStory...and their feud would be historohnevermind
In the end, Michael Jackson defeated God's H-back via submission. Yes, you read that correctly.
This guy...
...made this guy tap out. Who says video game wrestling isn't real?
Empire (Of Pain) vs Avengers
If this doesn't become a full-blown feud, then gosh darn it I'm going to make it one. Let us count the reasons why:
1) It's a tag team of freaking Sith Lords and they come into the ring to the Imperial march, which is only one of the baddest assest pieces of film score ever.
2) It's a tag team of the freaking Avengers, or at least the cool ones.
3) It's freaking destined to be.
So....that's like 3 reasons why. But that's like, 300% more reasons than I have for most of the things that I do.
These tag team entrances are the greatest thing ever, if I do say so myself. As mentioned, you have the two coolest Sith Lords ever, Imperially marching up the aisles to a raining cascade of kayfabe boos while the Avengers come out with Captain America riding in a jeep and waving the American flag while exhorting the crowd to stand up and get their 'Americuh' on.
Pictured: Getting your 'Americuh' on
Shane and I played against each other for this match, so whoever he picked was going to win. But even though the Avengers have to win in the end (it's in the wrestling by-laws), my hope is that the Empire (Of Pain) will be able to assert themselves as a dominant heel force in the Tag Team division.
Beth Phoenix vs One of the Bella twins
A couple of real wrestlers, albeit female ones. Not that females can't be real wrestlers, I just...(shutting up). Really the only reason that I kept any of the Divas (WWE's word, not mine) is because Delaney made her own wrestler and the game won't let girls and guys come to blows in the ring.
If I can wax a bit serious here- I'm not sure what to think about the whole 'women wrestler' thing. I feel like if it were to be done correctly, it could be empoweringish to women, but in its current state it seems to go about as far as you can in the opposite direction. That is, they give the girls just enough time to trot out in their skimpy outfits and do their sultry dances for the hornball male viewers and maybe even do a wrestling move or two before getting shuffled off to the back to look pretty in cheesy skits.
Nonetheless, I'm okay with letting Delaney use her created wrestler (for future reference, a CAW) to wrestle some matches in this game. I do think there is some value in trying to ingrain in her early on that, short of peeing while standing and refusing to ask for directions, there aren't many things that men should have sole propriety over.
Rorschach vs Carnage
This match ended in a draw, thanks to some interference by the Red Hulk, who came hauling out from backstage to deliver a pair of One-handed Spinebusters to the incognizant heroes.
I absolutely love interfering on this game. With the simple push of the triangle button, you have a Hammy-on-steroids-laced-caffeine way to start a feud or give a desired feud a HUGE boost. Interference also seems to help wrestlers to quickly climb the championship ranking system. For example, Rorschach, who in our match today played the part of someone getting spinebusted, actually climbed 26 spots on the WCW Heavyweight belt list. Meanwhile, Tim Tebow dropped 5 spots. Although he did lose to a guy who couldn't even out-agonistic Paul McCartney.
Hulk vs Dolph Ziggler
Ziggler is one of the only real wrestlers in my WCW. I don't know if it's because he was a member of the Spirit Squad and I'm just overly sympathetic or because of his marvelous hair- but I love this guy. Plus he stands on his head in the ring- during matches! I've heard him called a modern day Mr. perfect, and that's a very apt description. A consummate heel and one of my favorite modern-day wrestlers.
Oh, and did I mention that Super Mario came out about half-way through the match like he was going to team up with the Hulk and then he just NAILED THE HULK RIGHT IN THE GUT!!! Sort of random, but I'm sort of excited about the potential here.
And after Ziggler finally pinned the Hulk (after two near falls- great, great match), Thor came out to the entrance ramp and intimidatingly stared at Ziggler. That's why you shouldn't mess with the Avengers...because they will avenge their friends with intimidating stares from across a crowded arena.
Raw is War:
Job Squad vs. New Age Outlaws
Raw is War (seriously thinking about adding a "...spelled backwards" to the title. Hopefully the system lets me) has many more "real" wrestlers than WCW does, although there's still several created characters in order to keep mine/the kids' interest. The Job Squad is a team of those guys. Made up of Homestarrunner and Beavis, they aren't going to winning many titles...or even many matches. They're just there to rid in on a bike and make the kids chuckle.
Despite their low standing in the company, the Job Squad put up a heck of a fight against one of the better tag teams in the game. Actually, Beavis did most of the wrestling- I'm not actually sure where Homestarrunner was.
Lita vs Natalya-
Natalya is exhibit A of the misuse and borderline discrimination by the WWE against the women's wrestlers (really, I'm surprised they couldn't find a more degrading term than "Divas"). A very talented wrestler with a tremendous family pedigree...and yet as recently as last year (maybe more recently, I haven't been paying attention) she was starring in flatulence spots. Props to her for making the best of the situation...but I can't imagine a more degrading situation they could have put her in.
Enough about that- back to the YWL. Lita basically slammed her foe through the barricade and won via countout.
Raphael vs Rey Mysterio
In a perfect world with more than 50 CAW slots, I would have downloaded all of the Ninja Turtles AND Casey Jones and made them into the most unstoppable stable that wrestling has ever seen. Unfortunately, I couldn't afford to devote 1/10th of my slots to the TMNT squad- not when I had to save spots for Willie Wonka and Spongebob. So alas, I had to settle for Raph (my all-time favorite Turtle) with variant costumes of his pizza pals.
As for the match? Oh. Well, Rey won. The highlight though was when Mysterio got up on the top ropes in an attempt to Rope Flip Raph- and ended up completely whiffing on it. Basically it looked like he tried to do a purposeful cannonball onto the concrete floor. Nonetheless, he survived that mistake (and Raph's early assaults) to win by pinfall.
Godfather versus The Rock
My initial goal for the YWL was to have as few real life wrestlers as possible, and even fewer matches between real wrestlers. But I'm purposefully staying with the match cards that the CPU gives me, in hopes that there is sweet payoff down the road.
Godfather won even though I was playing as the Rock. I was only playing because I wanted to show the kids the People's Elbow...but I ended up doing the Rock Bottom instead. I'm so sorry children.
Triple H vs. Randy Orton
As of press time, D-X OWNS Raw Is War. They hold the Tag Team AND World Heavyweight championships. Coincidentally, I happen to be a member of D-X. Whoah, that's weird. How did that happen?
Triple H is the aforementioned World Heavyweight champion. Randy Orton is one of the top-five contenders for said championship. So imagine my surprise when Shane O'Mac came out and leveled both guys. That's about thirty levels of WHAT THE HECK JUST HAPPENED THERE, WWE 13????
First of all, I spent a good amount of time going through and making sure that all of the "inactive" wrestlers didn't have any allies or rivals that were active PRECISELY to avoid this sort of thing. I didn't download close to 50 comic characters, pop-culture figures, and politicians so that I could watch Vince McMahon's goofy kid come between The Game and The Apex Predator.
Second of all, this.
That concludes the synopses of my main shows. As part of my schedule, there's also a weekly show called "NXT". It's basically like a bonus show to help feuds progress and give other wrestlers a chance at the screen...I guess? So I don't know how I'll approach writing about this show. At this time, I'll be just documenting the results. Why? I don't know.
NXT results:
The Governator defeats Venom
Edward Cullen defeats Homestar
Lita defeats Natalya (again)
Darth
Vader defeats Michael Jackson (Potential feud alert- Darth went to give
him the 'ol "Good game" hand shake post-match and Michael Jackson
slapped it away)
Spider-man defeats Ronald McDonald and Sponge-bob
(Spidey did the 'Hey man, great game' hand-raise to Ronald McDonald)
End of the week ranking jumps
The Red Hulk/Carnage/Rorschach interference match paid immediate dividends. Carnage is now the #2 contender for the WCW Heavyweight title/European championships. Rorschach jumped from #29 to #3- just for getting jumped! Red Hulk, meanwhile, went from bottom feeding at #32 to the #5 contender slot.
On the Raw Is War side, Homestarrunner jumped to #15 in the Heavyweight Championship race (from #32) despite being largely a spectator in The Job Squad's loss to The New Age Outlaws. I smell a premature push. The Job Squad did move up five spots to #5 in the Tag Team rankings, although if you think that there's any chance that they get past the Outlaws, the Brothers of Destruction (link), AND the Road Warriors...then I only got TWO. WORDS. FOR YA.
Un likely?
Here's my current champions in each league:
WCW:
WCW Heavyweight Championship- Skeletor
European Championship- Sting
World Tag Team Championship- The Justice League
Divas Championship- Beth Phoenix
Raw Is War:
World Heavyweight Championship- Triple H
Intercontinental Championship- CM Punk
Tag Team Championship- D-Generation X
World's Championship- Delaney
So look, I'm really sorry- I had no intention of turning this into a three course meal (and even less intention of that meal stretching on for over a week). I honestly intended to (as I have in the past) just have one big 'ol slop fest draft recap as I have in the past. But then one thing led to another, and before I knew it I had just plates and plates full of goodness. So believe me when I say that this isn't some sham, some blatant attempt to bump up post count. I really just want you to observe healthy reading habits.
Round 8 Didn't get: Stephen Gostkowski, K- Okay, if Stephen Gostkowski comes back and scores 20 points per game, I'll bite my tongue, grovel on over to the Patriots practice facility, and wash his feet with the tears of my sorrow. Otherwise, I pass on kickers in the 8th round so I can draft guys like... Mark Ingram, RB Although this wasn't a guy I really wanted to get (and I had originally planned on getting a D or a TE here), my hand was forced by the lack of appealing depth at the RB position. Besides, I felt I
could get a TE/Def of value with my next couple of picks. No way this comes back to bite me. Could have had: Ravens D- Not only does it come back to bite me, but it bites me right on my most tender, vulnerable parts. I really REALLY wanted the Ravens D. I gush about Jordy Nelson and Jimmy and the Gronk, but the Ravens were the second leading scorer for my team last year and a very integral part of the success that I we had. Huge loss for the Flurries here.
Round 9 Didn't get: Ryan Williams, RB- After going the whole draft not really wanting to draft anyone (and getting them anyways), I have back to back picks missing out on targeted players. I really wanted Williams- I have a good feeling about him, tough runner and playing behind Beanie Wells. Who, as you may remember from last year, is a human get-hurt machine. I respond to the disappointment by deftly drafting... Jared Cook, TE- Pay attention class, because you may have just heard the first and last times that you hear someone use "deftly drafting" and "Jared Cook" together in a sentence ever again. Sure, he's a mega-talented potential sleeper guy- and we all know those guys always pan out. I justify this pick by my need for depth. Depth is the word you keep telling myself after you draft another guy that A) you haven't heard of and B) you aren't very excited about. Could have had: LeGarrette Blount, RB- After the debacle that was the 2011 Tampa Bay Buccaneers offense, I suppose I can forgive myself for not taking a flyer on their up-and-down RB. I just hope LeGarrette doesn't catch wind of this and punch me in the face.
Round 10 Didn't get: RGIII, QB- Another bummer. Obviously I didn't need a QB. I already have Brady and then I went ahead and drafted Rivers. But after Newtongate last year, you better believe I was in 'Buy low/sell high' mode here. Having missed out on the opportunity to draft another multi-talented rookie QB, I decided to drown my sorrows by drafting... Eagles D Which actually makes me feel more depressed. I think these guys will get lots of sacks here, and DeSean Jackson is still returning kicks/punts I'm assuming...and instead of drowning my sorrows, I'm sitting next to them at the bar and picking up their tab. Could have had: Mason Crosby, K- With all due respect to the person that drafted a kicker here, this pick perfectly represents why we're headed to a Fantasy Football lockout. The owners can't help themselves. Crosby will have a good season- but will he be that much better than any other kicker? I'm willing to take wager that he's not.
Round 11 Didn't get: Jon Baldwin, WR- Look, Baldwin is one of those guys with Atlas-level potential and world-class measurables. He's probably a very fine sleeper pick with the potential to be a star. But don't you see the conflict of interest here? He plays on the same team that Dwayne Bowe does. Dwayne Bowe. Dwayne and I spent the entire 2011 season apart, and while I welcomed him home with open arms, I have to admit that there's still some trust issues that need to be resolved. I can't just take another Kansas City receiver six rounds after Dwayne- it'd be devastating to him, which (more importantly) would be devastating to our team (and thus devastating to me, which is what it's really all about). So good luck, Jon Baldwin (just not at the expense of NORTH Michigan's favorite son). And even more conditional good luck to my 11th round pick... Steelers D-I try not to think about what might have been. See, we did our draft with the usual 16 rounds- but our teams only have 15 roster spots. That means, for the first time ever, owners across the Center League had to make cuts. Real cuts, not just the "You suck so I'm gonna find someone better" cuts- cuts that make dudes have to go out and apply for unemployment or sign up for Michigan works. Or, in my case, like 20-30 dudes, since I cut an entire defense worth of dudes. I'm not sure who I should apologize to first- the guys I had to cut, or the taxpayers that are going to be bearing a disproportionate burden for these suddenly-unemployed millionaires. Could have had: Toby Gerhart, RB- I have been reading some Matthew Berry articles over the past couple of weeks- I've read his stuff before and enjoyed it, but I'm really digging on him this year (mostly because he is so high on guys that I drafted)- but I wish I would have read his 2012 draft manifesto before our draft, because he hammered home the importance of having lots and lots of running backs (something about how being a high scoring position with increased likelihood of lower picks striking big). In that light, Gerhart here (who probably has a couple of weeks of being "The Man" in Minnesota while Adrian Peterson gets healthier) would have been a better pick than the castoffs I decided to go with. I guess I just let everybody down.
Round 12 Didn't get: Brent Celek, TE- "Well, my season is shot. I didn't land Brent Celek in the draft"- Said nobody, ever. Greg Little, WR- It only took about 12 rounds, but I was finally able to draft someone in a round where I felt I should be drafting them (obviously not counting Dwayne Bowe here). The latest champion of the Big Man On Crap-pus Draft (BMOC) Philosophy that I am currently swearing by- I'll be honest, I've never heard of this guy (probably because he plays for Cleveland), but the Experts tell me he's their best player. Whatever that means. Could have had: Jacquizz Rodgers, RB- A nice little sleeper back, but every time I say his name I have to rinse my mouth out. NOTE: Probably don't watch the video around children.
Round 13 Didn't get: Davone Bess, WR- Another disappointed miss, Bess is on the fast track to the BMOC All-Stars as well. The only consolation that I had about missing out on this guy was that I was able to draft... Randy Moss, WR- Before there was Dwayne, there was Randy. Randy and I didn't have anything nearly as special as Dwayne and I, but Randy was the first bonafide superstar that I had on my roster, and the first guy I was heartbroken to get rid of. I'm sure he's just a shell of himself now, but if he has anything left in the tank, anything at all- we could be fifteen minutes away from magic time. Could have had: Bills D- I know, I know. Yawn, right? Well, apparently the fantasy football TV talking head guys on the NFL Network's fantasy show are really high on these guys (at least for week 1, anyways). I've said this before, and I'll say it again- isn't it a conflict of interest for the NFL to have people talking about the players fantasy prospects? It's like if life was like a fantasy sporting event, and you could draft a fantasy "family" (actually this idea is sort of intriguing to me). Now imagine that I was on a TV show about that league and people were asking whether they should draft my wife and I said "Well, Sara is guaranteed to give you four to five Hot Meals/week (6 points per) but can be very Nagging (-3 points) and Cold/Emotionally Distant (-5 points), so I wouldn't draft her before the 12th round". IMMEDIATE NOTE: Sara is not those things, I'm just using them for the purpose of illustration. What was I trying to illustrate again? Oh yeah, that's right: I don't really mind not getting the Bills D.
Round 14 Didn't get: Garrett Hartley, K- Any other year, I would have bemoaned the lost opportunity to draft a Saints kicker. I don't have any actual stats, but I'm pretty sure if you're a kicker on a Drew Brees team, you're fantasy gold. But with all the turmoil around the Saints this year, and all of the coaching turnover (seriously- when has a team ever had to get an interim coach to fill in for their interim coach), I'm not 100% sold on New Orleans. However, I am drinking up all of the Bears Kool-aid I can get my stubby little mitts on. Hence my final round drafting of.... Robbie Gould, K- All the smart guys say this, so I'm saying it now too. Oh crap. I forgot what they're saying. Kickers. It's something about kickers. And little consistency year-to-year...oh, and always available. Unreliable. That was another word. Still, I think the Bears attack is going to be pretty potent this year, and Gould stands in good position to get some serious points. But really, he's a kicker and his name isn't Nick Folk, so we're good. And yes, to my repeat readers, I'm going to stick with that Nick Folk joke again. Probably next year too. Actually I have it leased until 2017. So about five more years of the Nick Folk joke. Could have had: Daniel Thomas, RB- On one hand, he's a RB whose name I've heard of being drafted in a round where most of us are grabbing K. This pick has mega-steal written all over it. On the other hand, he plays for the Dolphins....
Yeah, I think I'm glad I passed.
So that's my draft recap (finally). The season starts today, and the Snow Flurries are ready to defend our league best record and second-round exit. In the words of The Rock, Bring It!
I don't really have anything to say right now. It's just that time of year, when I go for a long spell without any communication and then all of a sudden *POOF* into existence again to give you your quarterly fix of Jason Parks.
I realize I'm way behind on things- my Fantasy Football wrap up still is waiting in the wings. Unfortunately I have no real time table for them- creatively I'm running on the fumes of 2010 here, so I can't promise when I might be so inspired as to deliver my usual Grade-A-wesomeness in literary form.
Life has been ridiculously busy. I'm basically working 7 days a week- which for you math majors out there means that yes, I am working every single day. I have periodic days off at the school (thanks God for those snow days a few weeks ago), but I'll have a consistently full schedule until the summer. While that will be good for our bank account, it won't be as good for my blog account. Of course, that's what the world cares about. Right?
Honestly, today is the first time I've thought about my blog in a couple weeks. So I suppose that me writing this is perhaps a step in a positive direction towards reconnecting with myself in the arena of words. Or maybe I just had a spark of inspiration that will just as quickly fizzle into nothingness. Stay tuned!
Lately I've been watching professional wrestling, which is good for the soul. It makes me feel like a man to watch muscled dudes confront other muscled dudes and wear tiny clothing and jump around and beat each other up. I'm pretty sure my testosterone levels have gone through the roof. One really cool thing that's come out of my newest craze is the wrestling video game I bought has enabled me to connect with my kids.
Yes, you read that correctly. A wrestling video game has deepened the parent-child bond in the Parks household.
See, I downloaded some previously created wrestlers that you might have heard of- Incredible Hulk. Thor. Spider-man. Superman. Captain America. Batman. No, they aren't wrestlers in the traditional sense. But someone made them for a wrestling game, and I downloaded them, and now I have tons of fun watching Royal Rumbles involving the Avengers. How cool is that! Plus, I give them all custom theme songs that my kids are growing attached to. Do you know how deeply it warms my heart to have my children request that we listen to 'Walk' by Pantera in the car before school?
IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOU KNOW (sorry. Channeling my inner The Rock there).
Anyways, that's what I've been up to. Work and wrestling. As time frees up, interests will vary and I'll begin writing again in earnest. I anxiously await your waiting with bated breath.
