Marvel vs. DC- The DC Stars (offense)

Last week, I entered into a great philosophical debate with myself about which comic book superheroes would make for great football players.  It wasn't pretty- tempers flared, hurtful words words were exchanged, a hit may or may not have been ordered, but in the end, I (we?) agreed on a cohesive, dominant Marvel roster that would surely take on all comers.  At the very least, they should be able to take out the Minnesota Vikings (NFC North burn!). 

So for this week, I was charged with the task of finding for them a worthy adversary from their rival universe, DC.  And that's what I did.  Because I'm the taskMaster.  Not to be confused with the Taskmaster- he's a Marvel super-villian. 

And you know what makes me a super-villain?  Presentation!

Pictures are taken from comicvine.com.  Measurables are taken from the DC Wiki.  And commentary is taken from the mind of AWESOME!!!!


Quarterback- Superman
6'3", 235 lbs

Really I could have plugged Supes in just about anywhere and it would have made sense.  After all, he can pretty much do anything.  But I figured he would be a great QB for the DC Stars for a few reasons.

1. Faster than a speeding bullet.  That's pretty fast- but how fast is it exactly?  Let's figure this out.  One of the fastest guns I could find Internet information on is from the .220 Swift, which has a muzzle velocity of over 4,000 feet per second.  Using a simple formula I also found in cyberspace, (B*3600)/5280, where B=bullet speed in feet/second, 3,600=number of seconds in an hour, and 5,280=number of feet in a mile, that comes out to about 2,727 miles per hour (mph).  When you figure that most police officers will give you cushion of about 10 mph, you are looking at a speeding bullet going around 2,740 mph.  And Superman is faster!
2. More powerful than a locomotive.  Fact: Locomotives are now commonly referred to as "trains".  That's pretty strong.  Combined with his amazing speed, trying to tackle Superman would probably be like trying to tackle a semi-truck that was traveling at the speed of light.  Or a train traveling at the speed of a bullet.  Either way- Superman is more powerful!
3. Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound.  I don't know if that will help him on a football field, but it sure will help him out at the combine.

Throw in his great vision (X-Ray and Heat), leadership, and strong arm (technically two strong arms. But we're going to assume that one of them throws like a girl), and you have a QB that gives DC the ability to move the football against any defense in a number of ways.  Shotgun, spread, option, pro style, swinging gate, single wing- you name it and Supes can make it happen. 


Besides- weren't those dreamy eyes made to scan defenses and read coverages?

How can I be expected to tackle you, Superman- you are just too beautiful!

Runningback- Sinestro
6'7", 205 lbs

Being a Detroit Lions fan in my formative football years, I was annually treated to the joy that was watching Barry Sanders run.  Of particular joy to me was to read and listen to all the really smart football guys, coaches and defensive players on other teams talk about how they hated playing against Barry.  They would say things about how they "couldn't sleep" and the thought of playing against him "gave them nightmares".

So when assembling the DC roster, I eschewed the normal attributes for a RB, and thought- What if the RB could literally inspire fear in the defense?  What if he actually drew his power from the fear of each and every living creature across the known universe- and he could harness that fear as light energy through a special piece of jewelry?  Thus Sinestro became a part of the team.  I'm sure athletically he'll be fine (even though with those proportions I'm worried about the Hulk snapping him like a toothpick), but his ability to strike literal fear into the defense will go a long way in covering up any sort of deficiency in his abilities.  Besides, this is really Superman's show.  The other players are just there to make him look good.  Not that it is a difficult thing to do.

(Faints)

Fullback- Kilowog
7'8", 720 lbs

Aside from being a hulking behemoth in his own right, Kilowog has a Green Lantern Ring, which means that he can pretty much make anything his mind can conceive of.  Could that come in handy?  Ya think?  Seriously, think of the implications- need to stay in and block for the QB? Brick wall! Can't quite reach that outlet pass? Giant pair of hands! Seconds ticking away to victory? Tub of Gatorade!

Wide receiver- Flash
6', 195 lbs

Have you watched the Patriots at all this year? I sure have- because Tom Brady is my Fantasy Football QB.  And my Fantasy Football team is awesome.  Did you really think I would go this whole series without mentioning Fantasy Football?  Anyways, if you've followed the Pats, you've seen the kind of damage that mighty-mite Wes Welker has been able to inflict on opposing defenses.  Now imagine if Welker could run Mach 10, vibrate through solid objects, and harness the power of the Speed Force.  Not that Bill Belichik would care- he'd still probably try to spread the ball around like the offense is some complex game of hot potato.

Wide receiver- Aquaman
6'1, 325 lbs

With so many speedsters in the DCU (our Flash is Barry Allen, by the way.  I'm not sure why there are so many different Flashes), why have Aquaman at the other WR position?  Why not put another DC speedster out there?  Maybe Zoom?  Or how about Professor Zoom?  Kid Zoom  Kid Flash?  Black Flash?  Max Mercury? 

Because I wanted to be a little more creative than that.  And what's more creative than putting an Atlantean sea-dweller who has a prosthetic left hand that is usually a sword into a land-based game at a position that usually requires two hands?  That's pretty freaking creative, eh?  Besides, on this team Aquaman is a glorified third tackles.  I mean, look at who our QB is.  Seriously, look at him. 

Lock eyes, from across the room...

Tight end- Amazo
8'5", 385 lbs

Amazo, on the other hand, will probably be like Jimmy Graham or Rob Gronkowski on this team and catch tons of passes for lots of yards and touchdowns.  You should know that I have both of those TEs on my Fantasy Football team.  And my team is awesome- just sayin'!  In addition to being really tall, Amazo is notable for his ability to replicate the powers of any meta-human he comes in contact with.  This opens up an entire world of options on the offense.  Think about Amazo.  Now think about the Marvel defense.  Now think about Amazo replicating any of their powers- do you see why this is amazing?  Or should I say- Amazoing? 

Tackle- Swamp Thing
Variable height, weight

Swamp Thing has his own set of skills and abilities which are probably all fine and dandy.  But he is really only here because of his ability to speak to, influence, and manipulate plant life.  Quick botany lesson- grass is a plant.  So not only do the Marvel defenders have to worry about what the DC offense is doing, they have to worry about what the grass is doing. 

Guard- Clayface
5'11", 180 lbs (variable with mass)

Center- Big Barda
7'0", 197 lbs

Guard- Beast Boy
5'8", 150 lbs (variable)

I want to talk about the interior of the DC offensive line as one.  Partly because the three of them have some physical similarities that would seem to make them poor choices to serve as interior offensive linemen, and partly because I'm tired of writing about offensive linemen.  Oh, excuse me- offensive linepeople.  At first glance, these three don't fit the dimensions of a typical guard or center.  Clayface is 180?  Beast Boy, a whopping 150 lbs?  And the 7' Big Barda is all of 197 lbs?  Does DC realize how ridiculous it is to have a 7'0" chick that weights less than 200 lbs?  She'd look like this:


Uh, okay Manute- you see that big, angry, 1400 lbs green guy over there?  On the next play, you block him.

But on this line, with this team, size doesn't matter.  Let's be clear here- the offense is predicated on Superman either running some sort of read-option play or firing a quick slant/WR screen to the Flash.  So the Stars don't really need maulers in the trenches.  They just need lineme..sorry, linepeople to interfere with and annoy the defense.  Clayface can muck up any sort of defensive interference.  Big Barda might have Barbie-like proportions, but she's Superman-strong and also has Apokolyptian combat training.  Beast Boy, in addition to literally being annoying, can transform into any animal in the history of ever.  He could transform into a woolly mammoth for those short yardage plays or into a green crow to fly in the face of the defender on a screen pass. 
I know, I know- I'm brilliant.  You don't have to wait, you can tell me now.

Tackle- Alloy
Unknown

Rounding out the offensive line is Alloy, a little-known character from an alternate future.  All you have to know is that he is most likely tall and is formed by all of the Metal Men combining together.  That's where he gets his name.  Alloy.  Because he's an alloy.  Yeah, I'm tired of writing about the O-line.

Kicker/Punter- Green Arrow
6'2", 195 lbs

Pretty much insert whatever I wrote about Bullseye in the Marvel article and put it here, except replace 'sociopath who can turn any object into a weapon and is renowned for his deadly accuracy' with 'playboy millionaire politician with leftist leanings'.  Actually, I guess you could just repeat the quote, verbatim.

Kick/punt returns- Superman and Flash.  Again with the obvious.

Head coach- Batman

You're probably surprised that I didn't suit up Batman given his years of martial arts training, special gadgets, and enhanced levels of strength and endurance.  But as great as Batman is in the arena, he's perhaps more devastating outside of it.  His meticulous preparation and legendary detective skills will serve him best in the film room, as he analyzes secretly obtained video footage of the Marvel practices. Give him a week, and he can figure out a way to beat the Marvel Machine. Give him two weeks- there's no way DC can lose.

Offensive coordinator- Lex Luthor

Lex here got the OC gig for a couple reasons.  First of all, he's always trying to pull some crazy real estate schemes.  Well isn't that what football is?  Just a series of choreographed skirmishes designed to take control of or defend bits of territory?  Second, who knows Superman's weaknesses better than Luthor?  As long as we can convince him that they're working together just for right now, he can put together a gameplan to take full advantage of Supermans' strengths and stay away from his weaknesses...like cheerleaders.

Trust me Clark- stay away from women.  They come from strange planets and will sap you of your strength.

So who does DC plan to employ to stop the high-powered Marvel attack?  Tune in on Friday to know for sure!

Non-comicvine PICS- Clark (football)-http://26.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_l8z7ucfHOo1qb2sdzo1_500.jpg
Clark- http://media.comicvine.com/uploads/1/12780/640067-tom_welling_super.jpg
Clark 2- https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHg5jgWTo-_emJ_RmBnbF6Lzea78VTSl6GKyHixhmmG9NIfa9WWnJK85CDsIOL1DFy96V8LQby2TjmCP7obVcEgXKhisyUQhDO1yfh6sK_awubZWLldk3XQZOVjjqw9Q6MVLiwqW2Lye8/s1600/tom-welling+(1).jpg
Manute Bol- http://socialightent.files.wordpress.com/2010/06/061910-manute-bol-gallery-sw-9_20100619150512_600_400.jpg
Lana Lang- http://assets.nydailynews.com/img/2009/09/17/gal_cheer_smallville_kristin-kreuk.jpg

Marvel vs. DC- The Marvel Machine (offense)

One of the advantages of being a stay-at-home dad is that I get put into inspirational situations that might not occur if I was a working man with kids in daycare.  The other day, in the process of playing with my children, I found myself holding a Spider-man toy and a little killer whale toy.  I tucked the killer whale under Spider-man's arm, like a football.  Being a man who loves football and comics, I started to think about which comic characters would be good at what football positions.  If you thought it was ridiculous that I wrote so much about my Fantasy Football teams, then you should probably just skip this blog and tune in later in the week, when I may or may not write about something that actually holds meaning in the real life.

I put together 2 teams- one for Marvel (the Marvel Machine) and one for DC (the DC Stars).  I'll be analyzing each player in their role on the team.  Each squad will also have a head coach and offensive/defensive coordinators.  Please don't tell me this is a waste of time- this is the essence of life, brother!

Here's the starters for the Marvel offense.  All information taken from marvel.com.  All photographs taken from comicvine.com.

Quarterback- Captain America
6'2", 220 lbs

Stevo here might not have the most physical gifts in the Marvel U, but he makes up for it by having one of the few documented throwing arms in comics- and leadership that is off the charts. If I'm down by a touchdown in the fourth quarter, I want someone behind center who can inspire the troops to rise above their circumstances- not to mention someone I know can actually throw a football.

Running back- Black Panther
6', 200 lbs

Black Panther might seem like an upset pick at running back- but with his combination of speed, quickness, agility, and a suit that absorbs the kinetic energy of oncoming tacklers, Black Panther is a great asset to this Machine team.  Besides, anyone could run through the holes that this guy will be opening up...

Fullback- Juggernaut
9'5", 1900 lbs

When somebody's shtick is "Cannot be stopped while moving", you have to find that person a way to run the football.  Think 'Refrigerator Perry' if Perry was an actual refrigerator.  I like Juggernaut at fullback because whether he's toting the ball or just blasting the hole for Black Panther, he's going to be taking defenders to the hospital- probably in black bags, to be put in the hospital refrigerator.  That's what I call the circle of life, friends.

Wide receiver- Nightcrawler
5'9", 161 lbs

Let's forget all about his time in the Munich circus, the natural agility, and the quickness in space.  The dude can teleport.  From here to there, in an instant.  BAMF.  All that other stuff is just icing on the cake- Nightcrawler is a match-up nightmare.  Sure, he has to be able to see where he's going.  But I'm pretty sure that's not going to be an issue on the football field, what with it's tons of open space.  I realize that Nightcrawler doesn't always have that luxury.

Maybe we should run at least a few normal routes.  Just to be safe, ya know?

Wide receiver- Mr. Fantastic
6'1" (variable), 180 lbs

The perfect possession wide receiver.  Think about it- variable height/arm length, so you just throw it up there, and he's going to get it.  The intelligence to find the soft spots in the zone.  Sure, he's probably slow afoot- but you don't need to be Ted Ginn, Jr. when you can just stretch your arms to wherever the ball is.  And you don't need to have Larry Fitzgerald hands when you can just make your paws big enough to swallow the football whole.  Blocking?  How would you break through a wall of silly putty? 

Tight end- Giant Man
6', 185 lbs (variable)

My affinity for versatility betrays itself with this pick.  With his special Pym Particles to help him shrink to ant size or grow to 30+ feet tall, Giant Man can either play the role of third WR or huge, hulking TE- often combining multiple roles on the same play.  Did I mention he's a genius?  Nothing like trying to cover a three-story building that is all of a sudden an insect and then all of a sudden becomes a three-story building again...in the back of the endzone.  With the ball.  In your face.

Tackle- Groot
Very Variable

Who better to protect your quarterbacks blindside than a walking, talking tree who wants to take over the world?  I'm a little worried that he might be a little too stiff legged (zing) but I'm guessing if he gets those big 'ol log-mitts into your shoulder pads at all, you're going to be rooted in place (badumCRASH).  Sorry about the bad jokes- I'm trying to branch out (oh stop it stop it!!!). 

Guard- Volstagg
6'8", 1425 lbs

The guy is on the team if for no other reason than he ensures that the post-game spread is going to be a feast fit for an almost-god.  Of course, there's a good chance he'll devour it before anyone else gets so much as a chicken wing.  But there's more to like about Volstagg than just his traveling catering team.  Weight about as much as an entire normal-human offensive line, Volstagg moves well enough to be able to pull out on sweeps, and get to the second and third levels on run plays. Not sure if he has the endurance to actually do that, but the theory is sound.

Center- Hercules
6'5", 325 lbs

Okay, so maybe a drunken wrestler deity isn't the best choice to be handling the O-line calls.  But the alternative was Mephisto.  Say what you want about Hercules, but no way in hell I'm trusting anything to the god of lies.  No offense, Mephisto.  Besides, Hercs background in wrestling will serve him well in the trenches.  And he just looks so cute there next to those other behemoths!

Guard- Thing
6', 500 lbs

Sort of a no-brainer choice, Thing has the strength and toughness that any team wants with an interior lineman.  I don't know how much he'll be pulling, but I can't think of too many guys I'd want to run a short yardage play behind.

Tackle- Absorbing Man
6'4, 365 lbs (variable)

Quick question- it's not considered holding if you don't technically "grab" the jersey, right?  Because I'm just picturing Absorbing Man getting his hands onto the pads of the guy he's blocking (legally, of course) and just...well, just sort of 'absorbing' his hands onto the opponents jersey.  It's hard to rush the passer when you've suddenly carrying around an extra 365 variable pounds of offensive tackle.

Special Teams:

Kicker/Punter- Bullseye
6', 175 lbs

I'm pretty sure that there are tons of folks in comic books that have super strong legs.  But in a comic book football game, you don't need a strong leg as much as you need a leg that can accomplish what you need it to accomplish every single time.  Field position will be paramount.  Points are of the essence.  So you need a field goal kicker who can make all of his kicks fly true and a punter whose coffin corner punts always hit the sweet spot inside the five.  So naturally, you take a sociopath who can turn any object into a weapon and is renowned for his deadly accuracy.

Kick/punt returns- Nightcrawler and Juggernaut.  Yo.  The choice is obvious.  

Head coach- Professor Xavier

In addition to being a brilliant tactician and a well-spoken motivator, Xavier can do two things that every football coach should be able to do but that few can.

1) He can read minds.  Even if he decides to not read the minds of the DC players, he'll be able to read the minds of his own.  He'll know which of his players is in the zone, which of his players stayed out partying too late last night, and which of his players just peed his pants. Sure, Cerebro is a little unwieldy to have on the side-lines- but no more unwieldy than say, Andy Reid.


 2) He can make people do what they don't want to do.  It's called mind control, sweet heart, and this ain't for the faint of heart- this is football, dammit!  Black Panther, I know some of those D-Linemen look like they want to literally eat you for lunch, but you will....run....in...thhhhhee....crap, lost the connection.  And my starting running back.

Offensive coordinator- Loki

The DC defense is going to likely be able to match the Marvel offense in physical acumen- so the play calling needs to keep the defense off balance.  Who better to be in charge of setting up the Marvel game plan the the God of Mischief?  I for one would love to see what kinds of trick plays the guy who plots to steal the Odin-power could come up with.  Flea flickers?  Statue of Liberty?  Quintuple reverse?  Ah, you think too small, friends!

Tune in Friday for the Marvel Machines Defense!

Hammer of Thor, Chariot of Goats

Go forth...um...mighty...goats?

Okay, so I play this table top miniatures game called 'Heroclix'. It's a superhero game, and I'm a big dork. So anyways, it's been around for about 6 years, and I played it when it first came out. I gave it up at one point because it had become too big a part of my life, and I was spending way too much money on it.

Fast forward to 2008. We're visiting my parents, my brother has me play a game of Heroclix with him, and I whup him. Bad. Well, maybe not a 'bad' whupping, but I beat him. So I get the itch to play again. And I figure, 'I'm older, I'm more mature. This spending thing won't get me again'.

Honestly, I am doing better than before, but I'm still the same old impulsive, wreckless, possession-lusting Jason. I don't even want to know how much money I've spent on this stupid game that I DON'T EVEN GET TO PLAY! I mean, have you ever tried having young kids and a tabletop game with miniature pieces? It doesn't work!

So what is the point of this post, you might ask. You might also ask for my phone number, and if you are a creditor, I am inclined to say 'no thank you'. Well, the point is I am FREAKIN' EXCITED about the next expansion set, Hammer of Thor. Yes, I realize that up until now, this post did not show any signs of that, but you know what? YOU CAN'T FIT ME IN A BOX! OR A CAKE! OR A MINI COOPER!

When I first got back into Heroclix, I was a 'DC' guy- DC being DC comics. I like Batman, I like Superman, I love the Green Lantern Corps, and more of the DC universe is a mystery to me. I mean, Marvel is cool (Spider-man, Iron Man, Hulk, X-Men, etc.), but I like the unknown, the unexplored, and DC has more of that to me. Maybe it's because they're comics suck, I don't know. As I've said, I'm not much of a comics reader. But I'm a DC guy.

Last summer, Marvel Heroclix comes out with an expansion called 'Secret Invasion', tied into the same-named comic miniseries in which an alien race (Skrulls) have infiltrated the hero teams, and are planning to take over the world- and no one knows who the Skrulls are (since they are shapeshifters). So the 'Buy it by the Brick' figure (10 boosters is a 'brick') was the Illuminati Super Skrull, who has the powers of Professor Xavier, Iron Man, Black Bolt, Namor, and Mr. Fantastic. Well, this intrigues me, so I buy the comics. I get hooked, 'blam!', order a brick, and to make a long story short, the pendulum swings back a little bit towards Marvel. It doesn't help DC that their own latest expansion set, 'Arkham Asylum', has NO Green Lanterns (although there are a handful of Sinestro Corps members) and a brick figure (Joker) that didn't really excite me.

Marvel? Their next brick figure, for Hammer of Thor (March 2009) is the above pictured Thor, rocking the Goat-drawn carriage. OMG, I am SO out of my mind looking forward to this set. I don't even know all the characters, but I'm ordering a case (a case is 2 bricks, so 20 boosters) so I can get 2 of those things.

So again, what is the point of this post/blog entry? It might seem to be a tad incoherent, rambly, and not well put together. Kind of like me in some aspects. I just wanted to let you all know that I am really excited about this figure, and I can't wait until March of next year!