YWL: Season 1, Week 2

Well, no one has written me hate mail or unfriended me on Facebook.  I'm going to consider week 1's recap a rousing success!  But this is not that.  This is week 2.

WCW:

Kharma vs Random Bella Twin
I almost didn't put 'vs' in the matchup field.  'Vs' implies that there was some sort of competition, a meeting of two (or more) parties where everybody had at least some chance of victory.  That's not what happened here.  At all.  Kharma won this one with ludicrous decisiveness.  Shoot, she could have got more resistance from a blind, crippled child than she did from whatever Bella Twin she engaged with here.

In fairness to proper noun  Bella, I wouldn't have wanted to get in the ring with Kharma.  Even before this match, Kharma was very highly ranked on the list of Women I'm Afraid Of.  It's actually a shorter list than you might suspect.  Here's the top five: 
1) My wife when she gives me "The Look" (think Blue Steel meets all of the Saw movies)
2) Kharma
3) Lady Gaga sans makeup
4) Any woman that could beat me up 
5) This scary lady

AJ Lee and Presumably the Other Bella Twin vs Beth Phoenix and Eve Torres
All of the websites I've visited have said in order to make Universe mode work the best in terms of developing storylines, you have to keep the matches as presented and actually watch them (instead of just simulating).  This process has met with mixed reviews thus far.  I've gotten some freaking gold at times (Sith vs. Avengers, Michael Jackson vs. Tim Tebow); however, I also got stuck with this.

Nothing against female wrestlers- but when I have a card featuring the Justice League vs the Watchmen, Captain America vs Strong Bad, and a Triple Threat match between Skeletor, Red Hulk, and Iron Man...well, an extremely random tag team match in the Divas division is really not the kind of match I want to see.  Actually this is the type of match that no one wants to see.  Even the WNBA would change the channel if this came on.

Fortunately I was able to real-wrestle my son during this time, which made the process (slightly) less painful.

Justice League vs Watchmen
With a booking of the gritty, ultra-dark, anti-heroic Watchmen against the champions of the 1950s comic code, it was not surprising in the least that this match devolved into an epic all-over-the-arena backyard brawl.  Besides, when Rorschach is the moral compass of your team, things are bound to get a little underhanded.  And for one night, at least, the low-blow antics paid off as the Watchmen scored a huge upset against the Justice League, with Dr. Manhattan securing the pin against the Batman.

For a simulated 'quick' match, it was wicked intense.  I 100% endorse a future 'No Disqualification' rematch between these two DC dyads.

Captain America vs Strong Bad
OH MY GOSH- Homestarrunner just came up behind Strong Bad during his entrance, slammed his head onto the metal stairs, and threw him into the ring!  Strong Bad probably just got a concussion!  Holy crap!!!

Alas, it is nowhere near as cool as it could be.  And until I can figure out how to simulate the voice of every single wrestler, this will continue to be the status quo.  Man, I totally wish I could pull off a mock-Strong Bad/Mean Gene 1980s promo to address the cheap shot and Strong Bad, like, challenges Homestar to a flaming watering can match...or something.  Gah!  That's be awesome!!!  

Skeletor vs Red Hulk vs Iron Man
Obviously, by sheer booking alone this match had "Epic-ocity" written all over it.  But when Skeletor and Iron man teamed up on the 'ol "Crouching Behind Someone And Pushing The Person Over The Crouched Person" move to Red Hulk- well that took it so far in the stratosphere that NASA was notified.  It reminded me so much of middle school, only instead of some voice-cracking/acne ridden/tent-pitching kid getting pushed over, it's the 7', 1200 pound, highly skilled combatant/master strategist with incredible levels of superhuman physical strength, stamina and durability who becomes hotter as he grows angrier, leaves huge amounts of residual radiation, and is nearly invulnerable to physical damage.

Basically the same

After Skeletor won the match, Kharma came down the ramp to congratulate Skeletor and escort him back to the dressing room.

I didn't even try to find out what happened after that.

Raw is war:

In other news, I checked and sure enough there is not enough space to do add "...spelled Backwards" to this leagues' name.  I am seriously bummed.   

Delaney vs Natalya
Delaney the wrestler, who it could be argued came upon her Women's title and 100 rating due to some some good, old-fashioned nepotism, was controlled by Delaney the real kid and won her first match in the YWL.  Unfortunately for Natalya (who I had to control to make sure that Delaney won), her third loss in as many matches has likely buried her deeper than the Mariana Trench at this point.

I don't know if this is a sign that I'm playing the game too much (Sara's note: Um, absofreakinglutely you are), but I'm starting to reach the point that I am not sure how much longer I can purposefully keep losing to the kids.  I mean, had my signature/finisher combo unlocked and was working on a second almost before Delaney could even get a good shot at me.  Eventually I'm just going to have to unleash the Five-knuckle shuffle and deal with the consequences.  

Consider yourselves warned, kids

Brothers of Destruction (Kane and the Undertaker) vs The Living Legends (Chuck Norris and Bruce Lee)

The only thing you need to know about this match is that the Legends won because Bruce Lee made the Undertaker tap out.  I will now allow you to utilize the powers of your imagination to fill in the gaps whilst you ruminate on the awesomeness that is Bruce Lee.

Also, it just hit me that I'm giving the names of my tag teams and not necessarily giving you the names of the wrestlers in those tag teams.  Oops.  My bad.  Except it isn't my bad.  As the Road Dogg so passionately (and persuasively) argued, in instances where intent or information was not clearly conveyed, the burden of inquisition is on you.

Niko Bellic vs Beavis vs Captain Planet
This match right here, this embodies the heart of what I want the YWL to be all about- a couple of 1990s cartoon characters squaring off against the protagonist of a 2009 video game.  It's a reminder that "Hey.  It's okay to dream.  It's okay to dream crazy.  And it's even okayer to write about those crazy dreams on your blog".  And I want to dream crazy big. My kindred spirits over at M4gnation, for example, also run a crazy wrestling league with ridiculous rosters.  They also have Captain Planet.  Except their Captain Planet has also undergone a heel turn and emerged as Captain Pollution.  That's what I want YWL to become- this sort of beautiful virtual cesspool of over-the-toppities and other variations of shenaniganisms.

The match itself was somewhat nondescript.  That is, until I went into the kitchen to grab some waffle fries and came back to Niko lying in the center of the ring, Beavis stumbling around like a concussed drunk outside of the ring, and Captain Planet climbing over the top rope to exit the ring.  Not sure what exactly happened, but I watched with horrified amusement as Niko continued to just lay there for like five minutes while Captain Planet actually entered and exited the ring at least three times to go continue to pound on Beavis.  It was borderline demented watching Beavis just become more and more stupefied while Captain Planet ignored numerous opportunities to pin Bellic for the win in exchange for more chances to pummel the Great Cornholio.

Eventually Planet did just throw him into the ring and pin him for the victory...but after witnessing the cold-hearted let-him-have-it-ing that he was dishing out, perhaps a heel turn may be closer than I originally thought.

Road Dogg vs Triple H
I'm just going to say that the D-Generation X song is probably my favorite wrestling based song ever.  No, seriously, that's all I'm going to say about it. 

For reasons unknown, this was a cage match to determine the #1 contender for the Intercontinental.  Understand that at this point, Triple H already holds two of the three available titles- there is no reason for him to be shooting for the Triple Crown.  It's selfish.  Real life Triple H gets a lot of real life heat for burying up-and-comers- but at least he hasn't tried to hog all of the titles at the same time.

That said, I went ahead and played this game as Triple H.  Because the thought of the D-X stable holding all of the titles (did I mention that I'm a member of D-X?) gave me a nerdgasm.  However, let me tell you that playing a cage match on the 'quick' setting is pretty much a disaster.  The computer will punch you into a corner and then start climbing up the wall immediately.  And as a result, Road Dogg won and I lost.  I hate this stupid game.

But then Trips gave 'Dogg the losers "Good-game Hand Raise", which may have welcomed the Road Dogg into the DX fold and stole my heart in one fell swoop.  Oh, that Triple H.  What a wrestling mastermind! 

Rey Mysterio vs The Rock
After last weeks embarassing loss to the Godfather, the Rock resumed his place in the wrestling hierarchy by scoring a decisive victory over Rey Mysterio.  But his victory here served merely to mask a potentially devestating issue that could rear it's ugly head at some point in the future- Rock's inability to successfully attempt the People's Elbow.  (I'm not going to mention how I've controlled him for both of his matches so far).  It's still early in the season, but there's enough evidence to suggest that something may be amiss. 

NXT results:
Hold on, hold on, HOLD on.  NXT, what are you trying to do?  Did you just try to pass off Darth Maul vs Darth Vader as a match?  WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?????  I don't know if there's some greater plan here, but I'm totally changing taking the reigns on this one.  Just last week I was dreaming about Avengers vs Sith for the next couple months...now you're trying to make the Sith go all Rockers on us?  No.  EFF.  No.

Venom defeats Darth Vader via submission
(mumble) Bella defeats Beth Phoenix- huge upset.
Tim Tebow and Arnold defeat Red Hulk and Barrack Obama.  Governator and Tebow Time had great in-ring chemistry.  Might put them on a team called The Conservatives.  Or the Republican Party.
Kane destroyed defeated Road Dogg.  Highlight is when Kane did the DX crotch chop.
Strong Bad beat Iron Man

End of the week rankings jumps:
Dr. Manhattan, on the strength of his personal pinning of Batman, jumped from #25 to #8 in the WCW World Heavyweight title.  Nothing really in the Raw side, probably because there are more established (read: real) wrestlers that the computer GM knows how to properly rank.

Champions are the same as last week.  I suppose they likely will be until my first Pay-per-view (PPV), Hit Guys With Chairs, which is just two weeks away!  Set your TiVos, folks!

YWL: Season 1, Week 1

These are the highlights of Week 1.  Let's see how this goes, shall we?  Victor is in bold.   

WCW:

Michael Jackson vs Tim Tebow. I don't know if this is going to be a feud or like a wrestling one-night stand. You know, like a 'Hey, I wrestle. You wrestle. We both need a match. Why don't we just wrestle each other?'-type of hook up. It'd be a cool feud though. Nay, it would be a HIStorical feud.  Get it?  HIStorical?  Because Michael Jackson has a CD named HIStory...and their feud would be historohnevermind 
 
In the end, Michael Jackson defeated God's H-back via submission.  Yes, you read that correctly. 

This guy...

...made this guy tap out.  Who says video game wrestling isn't real?

Empire (Of Pain) vs Avengers
If this doesn't become a full-blown feud, then gosh darn it I'm going to make it one.  Let us count the reasons why: 
1) It's a tag team of freaking Sith Lords and they come into the ring to the Imperial march, which is only one of the baddest assest pieces of film score ever.
2) It's a tag team of the freaking Avengers, or at least the cool ones.
3) It's freaking destined to be.

So....that's like 3 reasons why.  But that's like, 300% more reasons than I have for most of the things that I do.

These tag team entrances are the greatest thing ever, if I do say so myself.  As mentioned, you have the two coolest Sith Lords ever, Imperially marching up the aisles to a raining cascade of kayfabe boos while the Avengers come out with Captain America riding in a jeep and waving the American flag while exhorting the crowd to stand up and get their 'Americuh' on.   

Pictured: Getting your 'Americuh' on

Shane and I played against each other for this match, so whoever he picked was going to win.  But even though the Avengers have to win in the end (it's in the wrestling by-laws), my hope is that the Empire (Of Pain) will be able to assert themselves as a dominant heel force in the Tag Team division.

Beth Phoenix vs One of the Bella twins
A couple of real wrestlers, albeit female ones.  Not that females can't be real wrestlers, I just...(shutting up).  Really the only reason that I kept any of the Divas (WWE's word, not mine) is because Delaney made her own wrestler and the game won't let girls and guys come to blows in the ring.

If I can wax a bit serious here- I'm not sure what to think about the whole 'women wrestler' thing.  I feel like if it were to be done correctly, it could be empoweringish to women, but in its current state it seems to go about as far as you can in the opposite direction.  That is, they give the girls just enough time to trot out in their skimpy outfits and do their sultry dances for the hornball male viewers and maybe even do a wrestling move or two before getting shuffled off to the back to look pretty in cheesy skits.

Nonetheless, I'm okay with letting Delaney use her created wrestler (for future reference, a CAW) to wrestle some matches in this game.  I do think there is some value in trying to ingrain in her early on that, short of peeing while standing and refusing to ask for directions, there aren't many things that men should have sole propriety over.

Rorschach vs Carnage
This match ended in a draw, thanks to some interference by the Red Hulk, who came hauling out from backstage to deliver a pair of One-handed Spinebusters to the incognizant heroes.

I absolutely love interfering on this game.  With the simple push of the triangle button, you have a Hammy-on-steroids-laced-caffeine way to start a feud or give a desired feud a HUGE boost.  Interference also seems to help wrestlers to quickly climb the championship ranking system.  For example, Rorschach, who in our match today played the part of someone getting spinebusted, actually climbed 26 spots on the WCW Heavyweight belt list.  Meanwhile, Tim Tebow dropped 5 spots.  Although he did lose to a guy who couldn't even out-agonistic Paul McCartney. 

The moral of the story, kids?  There is more honor in getting cheap-shotted by the Red Hulk than there is in being forced to submit to the guy who had sleepovers with Kevin McCallister.

Hulk vs Dolph Ziggler
Ziggler is one of the only real wrestlers in my WCW.  I don't know if it's because he was a member of the Spirit Squad and I'm just overly sympathetic or because of his marvelous hair- but I love this guy.  Plus he stands on his head in the ring- during matches!  I've heard him called a modern day Mr. perfect, and that's a very apt description.  A consummate heel and one of my favorite modern-day wrestlers.

Oh, and did I mention that Super Mario came out about half-way through the match like he was going to team up with the Hulk and then he just NAILED THE HULK RIGHT IN THE GUT!!!  Sort of random, but I'm sort of excited about the potential here.

And after Ziggler finally pinned the Hulk (after two near falls- great, great match), Thor came out to the entrance ramp and intimidatingly stared at Ziggler.  That's why you shouldn't mess with the Avengers...because they will avenge their friends with intimidating stares from across a crowded arena.


Raw is War:

Job Squad vs. New Age Outlaws

Raw is War (seriously thinking about adding a "...spelled backwards" to the title.  Hopefully the system lets me) has many more "real" wrestlers than WCW does, although there's still several created characters in order to keep mine/the kids' interest.  The Job Squad is a team of those guys.  Made up of Homestarrunner and Beavis, they aren't going to winning many titles...or even many matches.  They're just there to rid in on a bike and make the kids chuckle.

Despite their low standing in the company, the Job Squad put up a heck of a fight against one of the better tag teams in the game.  Actually, Beavis did most of the wrestling- I'm not actually sure where Homestarrunner was. 

Lita vs Natalya-
Natalya is exhibit A of the misuse and borderline discrimination by the WWE against the women's wrestlers (really, I'm surprised they couldn't find a more degrading term than "Divas").  A very talented wrestler with a tremendous family pedigree...and yet as recently as last year (maybe more recently, I haven't been paying attention) she was starring in  flatulence spots.  Props to her for making the best of the situation...but I can't imagine a more degrading situation they could have put her in.

Enough about that- back to the YWL.  Lita basically slammed her foe through the barricade and won via countout.    

Raphael vs Rey Mysterio
In a perfect world with more than 50 CAW slots, I would have downloaded all of the Ninja Turtles AND Casey Jones and made them into the most unstoppable stable that wrestling has ever seen.  Unfortunately, I couldn't afford to devote 1/10th of my slots to the TMNT squad- not when I had to save spots for Willie Wonka and Spongebob.  So alas, I had to settle for Raph (my all-time favorite Turtle) with variant costumes of his pizza pals.

As for the match?  Oh.  Well, Rey won.  The highlight though was when Mysterio got up on the top ropes in an attempt to Rope Flip Raph- and ended up completely whiffing on it.  Basically it looked like he tried to do a purposeful cannonball onto the concrete floor.  Nonetheless, he survived that mistake (and Raph's early assaults) to win by pinfall.

Godfather versus The Rock
My initial goal for the YWL was to have as few real life wrestlers as possible, and even fewer matches between real wrestlers.  But I'm purposefully staying with the match cards that the CPU gives me, in hopes that there is sweet payoff down the road.

Godfather won even though I was playing as the Rock.  I was only playing because I wanted to show the kids the People's Elbow...but I ended up doing the Rock Bottom instead.  I'm so sorry children.

Triple H vs. Randy Orton
As of press time, D-X OWNS Raw Is War.  They hold the Tag Team AND World Heavyweight championships.  Coincidentally, I happen to be a member of D-X.  Whoah, that's weird.  How did that happen?

Triple H is the aforementioned World Heavyweight champion.  Randy Orton is one of the top-five contenders for said championship.  So imagine my surprise when Shane O'Mac came out and leveled both guys.  That's about thirty levels of WHAT THE HECK JUST HAPPENED THERE, WWE 13????

First of all, I spent a good amount of time going through and making sure that all of the "inactive" wrestlers didn't have any allies or rivals that were active PRECISELY to avoid this sort of thing.  I didn't download close to 50 comic characters, pop-culture figures, and politicians so that I could watch Vince McMahon's goofy kid come between The Game and The Apex Predator.

Second of all, this.

That concludes the synopses of my main shows.  As part of my schedule, there's also a weekly show called "NXT".  It's basically like a bonus show to help feuds progress and give other wrestlers a chance at the screen...I guess?  So I don't know how I'll approach writing about this show.  At this time, I'll be just documenting the results.  Why?  I don't know.

NXT results:
The Governator defeats Venom
Edward Cullen defeats Homestar
Lita defeats Natalya (again)
Darth Vader defeats Michael Jackson (Potential feud alert- Darth went to give him the 'ol "Good game" hand shake post-match and Michael Jackson slapped it away)
Spider-man defeats Ronald McDonald and Sponge-bob (Spidey did the 'Hey man, great game' hand-raise to Ronald McDonald)

End of the week ranking jumps
The Red Hulk/Carnage/Rorschach interference match paid immediate dividends.  Carnage is now the #2 contender for the WCW Heavyweight title/European championships.  Rorschach jumped from #29 to #3- just for getting jumped!  Red Hulk, meanwhile, went from bottom feeding at #32 to the #5 contender slot. 

On the Raw Is War side, Homestarrunner jumped to #15 in the Heavyweight Championship race (from #32) despite being largely a spectator in The Job Squad's loss to The New Age Outlaws.  I smell a premature push.  The Job Squad did move up five spots to #5 in the Tag Team rankings, although if you think that there's any chance that they get past the Outlaws, the Brothers of Destruction (link), AND the Road Warriors...then I only got TWO. WORDS. FOR YA.

Un likely?

Here's my current champions in each league:

WCW:
WCW Heavyweight Championship- Skeletor
European Championship- Sting
World Tag Team Championship- The Justice League
Divas Championship- Beth Phoenix

Raw Is War:
World Heavyweight Championship- Triple H
Intercontinental Championship- CM Punk
Tag Team Championship- D-Generation X
World's Championship- Delaney

Until next week fellows!

The Youshouldknowjasonparks Wrestling League

For about the last week, I have been immersed in WWE '13 right up to the point of what some might consider to be absurd.  Sara would probably disagree with that assessment. 

If you're in the 'what-in-the-world-is-he-talking-about' crowd, lemme bring you up to speed.  WWE 13 is the latest installment of the pro wrestling video game series.  I'm not a consistent fan of wrestling, but I am a huge fan of fun, and wrestling is fun.  Video games are funner.  Wrestling video games are even funnester. 

Wrestling might not be in my blood, but I sure appreciate the heck out of it.  From the pyrotechnics to the entrance music to the over-the-top antics to the crazy feats of athleticism, it's an experience that is unlike any other.  It's like the X-Games impregnated Days of Our Lives while getting a blood transfusion from Ryan Braun.  Coupled with the fact that I had a bout of the Hulkamania as a kid, and you wouldn't need an MRI to see that there's always a little bit of wrestle-fever lurking slightly below the surface.  And about a week ago, Strong Bad reached down under my skin and yanked it right out.

And now I'm hooked.

The coolest part about the WWE video game series is not the actual wrestling itself (although that's fun enough).  No, what makes these games amazing and blog-worthy is the amount of create-a-stuff features they have.

You can (with some imagination) pretty much create any wrestler, arena, sign, or special move that your heart desires.  Once you create a wrestler, you can give him his very own entrance and his very own entrance music (and I just found out that you can create highlight videos- and upload them to YouTube.  Goodbye, free time).  The possibilities are almost endless.  The entertainment is even endlesser.

Long time readers who are familiar with my Fantasy Football exploits are very likely experiencing a sickening sort of knot in their stomach as they begin to subconsciously realize just what exactly is happening here.  And in case not, I'm going to spell it out- I'm going to be blogging about my wrestling game.

Before you close this out, erase your browsing history and delete me as a friend from Facebook, let me explain why I think this will be bone-crushingly awesome and why I want to tell the whole freaking world about it.  Quick question: What do the following people/characters have in common:

Strong Bad
Skeletor
Iron Man
Beavis
Michael Jackson
Spongebob
Batman
President Obama
Tim Tebow
Ronald McDonald

Honestly I don't care what you answered, because the correct answer is that they are all created wrestlers on my WWE 13 game! 

I'm so stoked for the wrestling mayhem that will be playing out on my PS3 over the next few months.  Imagine Megamind having a feud with Chuck Norris.  Or Darth Vader and Stephen Colbert joining forces to take out Spider-man and Edward Cullen.  The possibility for shenanigans is unending.  And where there is a limitless pool of shenanigans (the Fountain of Shenanigans, if you will), there you will find me mooching at the cash bar.

That's why I am going to be writing about the video game exploits of fake characters taking part in a make-believe sport.  Because the thought of Captain Planet feuding with Mario or Arnold Schwarzenegger squaring off against Willie Wonka with the World Heavyweight Championship on the line or Bruce Lee teaming up with Jon Snow....well those things make me smile.  And now, I'm bringing it to ya.

BOO YA!!!!